ÆäÀÌÁö À̹ÌÁö
PDF
ePub

Acres. A quietus!

there's mischief going on. Folks don't use to meet for amusement with fire arms, firelocks, Sir L. For instance, now, if that should be fire engines, fire screens, fire offices, and the the case, would you choose to be pickled, and devil knows what other crackers beside! sent home? or would it be the same to you to This, my lady, I say, has an angry favour.-lie here in the Abbey? I'm told there is very To be sure, Captain Absolute

Jul. But who is engaged?

David. My poor master-under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, my lady -I am David-and my master of course is, or was, 'squire Acres and Captain Absolute.Then comes 'squire Faulkland.

Jul. Do, Ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief.

Mrs. M. Oh, fie! it would look very inelegant in us: we should only participate things.

Lyd. Do, my dear aunt, let us hasten to pre

vent them.

David. Ah, do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives! -they are desperately given, believe me.Above all, there is that blood-thirsty Philistine, Sir Lucius O'Trigger.

Mrs. M. Sir Lucius O'Trigger!-O mercy! have they drawn poor little dear Sir Lucius into the scrape!-Why, how you stand, girl! you have no more feeling than one of the Derbyshire putrifactions!

Lyd. What are we to do, Madam?

Mrs. M. Why, fly, with the utmost felicity, to be sure, to prevent mischief!-here, friend -you can show us the place? Come, Sir, lead the way, and we'll precede.

David. Oh, never fear; and one good thing is, we shall find it out by the report of the pistols.

All Ladies. The pistols !-Oh, let us fly. [Exeunt, DAVID talking.

SCENE II-King's-Meadow-fields. SIR LUCIUS and ACRES, with Pistols. Acres. By my valour, then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance-Odds levels and aims! I say, it is a good distance.

Sir L. It is, for muskets or small field-pieces; upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must leave these things to me. Stay, now-I'll show you. [Measures paces along the Stage.] There, now, that is a very pretty distance, a pretty gentleman's distance.

Acres. Zounds! we might as well fight in a sntrybox! I tell you. Sir Lucius, the farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.

Sir L. 'Faith, then, I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of sight! Acres. No, Sir Lucius, but I should think forty, or eight and thirty yards

Sr L. Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile.

Acres. Odds bullets, no! by my valour there is no merit in killing him so near! Do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot: a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me!

Sir L. Well-the gentleman's friend and I must settle that. But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or commission I could execute for you? Acres. I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius, but I don't understand

Sir L. Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk; and, if an unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it-I say, it will be no time then to be bothering you about family matters.

snug lying in the Abbey?

Acres. Pickled! snug lying in the Abbey ! Odds tremors! Sir Lucius, don't talk so! Sir L. I suppose, Mr. Acres, you were never engaged in an affair of this kind before. Acres. No, Sir Lucius, never before. Sir L. Ah, that's a pity! there's nothing like being used to a thing. Pray, now, how would you receive the gentleman's shot?

Acres. Odds files! I've practised that:there, Sir Lucius, there [Puts himself in a. ettitude.] a side-front, hey? Odd, I'll make myself small enough, I'll stand edgeways.

Sir L. Now, you're quite out-for if you stand so when I take my aim—

[Levelling at him. Acres. Zounds, Sir Lucius! are you sure it is not cocked?

Sir L. Never fear.

Acres. But-but-you don't know-it may go off of its own head!

Sir L. Pho! be easy. Well, now, if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double chance -for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on the left.

Acres. A vital part!

Sir L. But, there-fix yourself so-[Placing him.] let me see the broadside of your full front-there-now a ball or two may pass clean through your body, and never do you any harm at all.

Acres. Clean through me! a ball or two clean through me!

Sir L. Ay, and it is much the genteelest attitude into the bargain.

Acres. Lookye! Sir Lucius-I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel one-so, by my valour! I will stand edge

ways.

Sir L. [Looking at his Watch.] Sure, they don't mean to disappoint us--ha! no, 'faith-I think I see them coming.

Acres. Hey! what! coming!

Sir L. Ay, who are those yonder, getting over the stile?

Acres. There are two of them indeed! well let them come-hey, Sir Lucius !-we-we -we-we-wont run. Sir L. Run!

Acres. No, I say we wont run, by my va

lour!

Sir L. What the devil's the matter with

you?

Acres. Nothing, nothing, my dear friendmy dear Sir Lucius-but I-I-I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did.

Sir L. O fie! consider your honour. Acres. Ay, true-my honour-do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now and then, about my honour.

Sir L. Well, here they're coming. [Looking Acres. Sir Lucius, if I wasn't with you I should almost think I was afraid if my valour should leave me! valour will come and go.

Sir L. Then pray keep it fast while you have it.

A res. Sir Lucius, I doubt it is going; yes, my valour is certainly going; it is sneaking off! I feel it oozing out, as it were, at the palms of my hands!

[blocks in formation]

lar friends!

Sir L. What, Sir, did not you come here to fight Mr. Acres?

Faulk. Not I, upon my word, Sir.

Sir L. Well, now, that's mighty provoking! but I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the game, you wont be so cantanckerous as to spoil the party, by sitting out.

Capt. A. Oh, pray, Faulkland, fight, to oblige Sir Lucius.

Faulk. Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the

matter.

Acres. No, no, Mr. Faulkland, I'll bear my disappointment like a christian: lookye, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone.

Sir L. Observe me, Mr. Acres; I must not be trifled with. You have certainly challenged somebody, and you came here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to represent him, I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same thing.

Acres. Why, no, Sir Lucius, I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged; a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face: if he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly!

Capt. A. Hold, Bob, let me set you right: there is no such man as Beverley in the case. The person who assumed that name is before you and as his pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you please.

Sir L. Well, this is lucky. Now you have an opportunity

Acres. What, quarrel with my dear friend, Jack Absolute! not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me be so unnatural!

Sir L. Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a vengeance! Acres. Not in the least; odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all my heart, and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or any thing of the kind, with the greatest pleasure. Sir L. Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.

Acres. Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was the word, by my valour!

[blocks in formation]

Acres. Ay, at home.

Sir L. Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin; so come out, my little counsellor, [Draws his sword.] and ask the gentleman, whether he will resign the lady without forcing you to proceed against him?

Capt. A. Come then, Sir, [Draws.] since you wont let it be an amicable suit, here's my reply.

Enter SIR ANTHONY, DAVID, and the Ladies.

David. Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in particular; and bind his hands over to their good be haviour.

Sir L. Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy; how came you in a duel, Sir?

Capt. A. 'Faith, Sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; 'twas he called on me, and you know, Sir, I serve his majesty.

Sir. A. Here's a pretty fellow! I catch him going to cut a man's throat, and he tells me he serves his majesty! zounds; sirrah, then how durst you draw the king's sword against one of his subjects?

Capt. A. Sir, I tell you, that gentleman called me out, without explaining his reasons.

Sir A. 'Gad, Sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining your reasons? Sir L. Your son, Sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not brook.

Sir A. Zounds, Jack! how durst you insult the gentleman in a manner which his honour could not brook?

Mrs. M. Come, come, let's have no honour before ladies. Captain Absolute, come here; how could you intimidate us so? here's Lydia has been terrified to death for you.

Capt. A. For fear I should be killed, or escape, Ma'am?

Mrs. M. Nay, no delusions to the past, Lydia is convinced: speak, child.

Sir L. With your leave, Ma'am, I must put in a word here; I believe I could interpret the young lady's silence-Now mark

Lyd. What is it you mean, Sir?

Sir L. Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now; this is no time for trifling.

Lyd. 'Tis true, Sir; and your reproof bids me offer this gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.

Capt. A. Oh, my little angel, say you so? Sir Lucius, I perceive there must be some mistake here:-with regard to the affront which you affirm I have given you, I can only say that it could not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced, that I should not fear to support a real injury, you shall now see that I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency; I ask your pardon. But for this lady, while honoured with her approbation, I will support my claim against any man whatever.

Sir L. Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.

Acres. Mind, I give up all my claim; I make no pretensions to any thing in the world: and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my valour! I'll live a bachelor.

Sir L. Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own hand-writing here

[Takes out letters. Mrs. M. Oh, he will dissolve my mystery! [Aside.] Sir Lucius, perhaps there is some mistake, perhaps I can illuminate

Sir L. Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no business. Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not? Lyd. Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not.

[LYDIA and ABSOLUTE walk aside. Mrs. M. Sir Lucius O'Trigger, ungrateful as you are, I own the soft impeachment; pardon my camelion blushes, I am Delia.

Sir L. You Delia? pho, pho, be easy. Mrs. M. Why, thou barbarous Vandyke, those letters are mine. When you are more sensible of my benignity, perhaps may be brought to encourage your addresses.

Sir L. Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick upon me, I am equally beholden to you.-And, to show you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady from me, give you my Delia into the bargain. Capt. A. I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's my friend, fighting Bob, unprovided for.

than I am now in wanting inclination to re. sent it. As my heart honestly bids me place my weakness to the account of love, I should be ungenerous not to admit the same plea for yours. [SIR ANTHONY comes forward. Sir A. What's going on here? So you have been quarrelling too, I warrant.- -Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let me have a hand in the matter at last. All the faults I have ever seen in my friend Faulkland, seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and warmth of his affection for you. There, marry him directly, Julia ; you'll find he'll mend surprisingly.

[The rest come forward. Sir L. Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person but what is content; for as I have been disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I have not the satisfaction of seeing other people succeed better

Acres. You are right, Sir Lucius. So, Jack, I wish you joy-Mr. Faulkland, the same. Ladies, come now, to show you I'm neither vexed nor angry, odds tabors and pipes! I'll order the fiddles in half an hour, to the New Rooms-and I insist on your all meeting me there.

Sir A. 'Gad! Sir, I like your spirit; and at night we single lads will drink a health to the young couples, and a good husband to Mrs. Malaprop.

Faulk. Our partners are stolen from us, Jack I'll-I hope, to be congratulated by each otheryours for having checked in time the errors of an ill-directed imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent heart; and mine for having, by her gentleness and candour, reformed the unhappy temper of one, who by it made wretched whom he loved most, and tortured the heart he ought to have adored.

Sir L. Ha! little valour-here, will you make your fortune?

Acres. Odds wrinkles! No.-But give me your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and forgive; but if ever I give you a chance of pickling me again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all.

Sir A. Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down-you are in your bloom yet. Mrs. M. O Sir Anthony;-men are all barbarians!

[All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND. Jul. He seems dejected and unhappy-not sullen-there was some foundation, however, for the tale he told me—O woman! how true should be your judgment, when your resolution is so weak!

Faulk. Julia-how can I sue for what I so little deserve? I dare not presume-yet hope is the child of penitence,

Jul. Oh! Faulkland, you have not been more faulty in your unkind treatment of me,

Capt. A. True, Faulkland, we have both tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets of love; with this difference only, that you always prepared the bitter cup for yourself,

Lyd. Was always obliged to me for it, hey! Mr. Modesty! But come, no more of that; our happiness is now as unalloyed as general.

Jul. Then let us study to preserve it so: and while hope pictures to us a flattering scene of happiness, let us deny its pencil those colours which are too bright to be lasting. When hearts diffusing happiness would unite their fortunes, virtue would crown them with an unfading garland of modest, hurtless flowers; but ill-judging passion will force the gaudier rose into the wreath, whose thorn offends most when its leaves are dropped!

THE DEUCE IS IN HIM:

A FARCE,

IN TWO ACTS.

BY GEORGE COLMAN, Esq.

REMARKS.

A PARTIAL hint for this piece was suggested, to the elegant writer, by the episode of Lindor, in Marmontel's Tales; and the part relative to Mademoiselle Florival, from a story in the British Magazine.

A delicate vein of satire on the absurdities of Platonic love, runs through this laughable and well-written farce, which originally met with great and deserved success.

[merged small][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors][ocr errors][merged small][ocr errors][merged small]

ACT I.

SCENE I-A Room in EMILY'S House.

Enter EMILY with a letter open in her hand and MADEMOISELLE FLORIVAL in man's clothes.

Em. Be assured, that I will do every thing in my power to serve you; my brother knew that he might command my service-Be comforted, I beseech you, Madam.

Flo. You cannot wonder, Madam, that I should be shocked, extremely shocked, at the cruel necessity of appearing before you in so indelicate a disguise.

Em. Indeed, you need not: there is something in your manner, which convinces me, that every action of your life carries its apology along with it; though I will not venture to inquire into the particulars of your story till your mind is more at ease.

won my affections, and asked me of my father in marriage: but he, alas! too much influenced by the narrow prejudices so common between the two nations, forbade the officer his house, but not before we were, by the most solemn engagements, secretly contracted to each other.

Em. May I ask the officer's name?

Flo. Excuse me, Madam. Till I see or hear from him once more, my prudence, vanity, or call it what you will, will scarce suffer me to mention it. Your brother, indeed, is acquainted with

Em. I beg your pardon-I'hope, however, you have no reason to think yourself neglected or forgotten!

Flo. Oh, no; far from it. He was soon recalled by orders from England: and on my father's pressing me to consent to another match, my passion-I blush to own it-tranFlo. Alas, Madam, it is my interest to make sported me so far, as to depart abruptly from you acquainted with my story. I am the Belleisle. I came over in an English ship to daughter of Monsieur Florival, a French Portsmouth, where I expected according to letphysician, in the island of Belleisle. An Eng-ters he had contrived to send me, to find the lish officer, who had been desperately wounded, was, after the capitulation, for the sake of due attendance, taken into my father's house; and as I, in the very early part of my life, had resided in England, he took some-pray go on. pleasure in my conversation. In a word, he Flo. In a strange kingdom-alone-and a

officer. Eut, judge of my disappointment,
when I learned that he embarked but three
days before for the siege of the Havannah.
Em. The Havannah! You touch me nearly

[ACT I

woman-what could I do? In order to defeat | tory.-It is quite a little novel. She is a
inquiries after me, I disguised myself in this Frenchwoman, Mademoiselle Florival, run
habit, and mixed with the officers of the away from her father at Belleisle, and dying
place; but your brother soon discovered my for an English gentleman at the Havannah.
uneasiness, and saw through my disguise. I
frankly confessed to him every particular of per, I hope, sister.
Bell. The Havannah!-Not for Colonel Tam-
my story in consequence of which, he has
thus generously recommended me to your
protection.

Em. And you may depend on my friendship.
-Your situation affects me strangely.

Flo. Oh, Madam, it is impossible to tell you
half its miseries; especially since your brother
has convinced me, that I am so liable to be
discovered.

Em. You shall throw off that dress as soon
as possible, and then I will take you into the
house with me and my sister-In the mean-
time, let me see you every day-every hour.
I shall not be afraid that your visits will affect
my reputation.

Flo. You are too good to me.
Em. Nay, this is too much; it overcomes
[Weeping.
me. Pray, be cheerful.

Flo. I humbly take my leave.

on you.

Em. Adieu. I shall expect you to dinner. Flo. I shall do myself the honour of waiting Em. Poor woman! I thought my uneasiness [Exit. almost insupportable; and yet, how much must her anxiety exceed mine!

Enter BELL.

Bell. So, sister! I met your fine gentleman. Upon my word, the young spark must be a favourite.-You have had a tête-à-tête of above half an hour together.

Em. How d'ye like him?

Bell. Not at all: a soft lady-like gentleman, with a white hand, a mincing step, and a smooth chin. Where does this pretty master come from?

Em. From my brother.
Bell. Who is he?

Em. A present to you.

Bell. A present to me! what d'ye mean?
Em. Why, did not my brother promise to
take care of you before he went abroad?
Bell. Well, and what then?

Em. What then! Why, he has taken care of you-sent you a pretty fellow for a husbandCould he possibly take better care of you?

Bell. A husband!-a puppet, a doll, a— Em. A soldier, Bell!-a red coat, consider. Bell. A fine soldier indeed!-I can't bear to see a red coat cover any thing but a man, sister. Give me a soldier that looks as if he could love me and protect me; ay, and tame me too, if I deserved it.-If I was to have this thing for a husband, I would set him at the top of my India cabinet with the China figures, and bid the maid take care she did not break him.

Em. Well, well; if this is not the case, I don't know what my brother will say to you. Here's his letter; read it, and send him an answer yourself.

Bell. [Reads.] Dear sister,-The bearer of this letter is-a lady!-So, so! your servant, Madam!-and yours too, sister!-whose case is truly compassionate, and whom I most earnestly recommend to your protection,-Um-um -um-take care of her-Um-um-um-not too many questions-Um-um-um-in town in a few days.-I'll be whipped, now, if this is not some mistress of his.

Em. No, no, Bell, I know her whole his

taking of Belleisle too,
Em. If Colonel Tamper had been at the
frightened out of my wits about it.
should have been
Bell. Suppose I should bring you some news

of him.

Em. Of whom?

Bell. Colonel Tamper.

Em. What do you mean?

Bell. Only a card.

Em. A card!-From whom? What card? Bell. Oh, what a delightful flutter it puts her into !

Em. Nay, but tell me.

Bell. Well then-while your visitor was here, there came a card from Major Belford; and I took the liberty of sending an answer to it.

it!

Em. Let me see it! Dear Bell, let me see

ments, and desiring to have the honour of
Bell. Oh, it was nothing but his compli-
Colonel Tamper.
waiting on you any time this morning, from

Em. From Colonel Tamper!-What can this mean?-1 am ready to sink with fear-Why does he not come himself?

yet, I suppose.
Bell. He's not arrived-not come to town

things that terrify me to death.
Em. Oh, Bell! I could suppose twenty

Bell. I think now, such a message ought to come from Colonel Tamper, if there was no put you quite out of your pain: he could not such person in being.

Em. Ay, but suppose any accident should have happened to him! Heaven forbid! How unfortunate it is to dote upon a man, whose profession exposes him hourly to the risk of his life!

yourself with such horrid examinations? Be-
Bell. Lord, Emily, how can you torment
sides, should the worst come to the worst-it
paired, you know.
is but a lover lost; and that is a loss easily re-

Em. Go, you mad-cap! but you'll pay for all this one day, I warrant you. When you you will know, that when a pure and disincome to be heartily in for it yourself, Bell, terested passion fills the breast, when once a in the world but that very man will ever make woman has set her heart upon a man, nothing her happy.

you call it, of all things. Your love, my dear
Emily, is not so romantic.
Bell. I admire your setting your heart, as
on a man of figure and fortune, handsome,
You pitch up-
rank in life, and credit in his profession; a
sensible, good-natured, and well-bred; of
caps for; and then you talk, like a sly prude,
man that half the women in town would pull
of your pure and disinterested passion.

friend on earth, or a shilling in the world-if
he was as miserable as the utmost malice of
Em. Why then, I declare, if he had not a
Colonel Tamper to the first duke in the king-
ill fortune could make him, I would prefer
dom.

persons rolling in affluence and a coach-and-
Bell. Oh, sister, it is a mighty easy thing for
the comforts of love in a cottage.
six, to talk of living on bread and water, and

« ÀÌÀü°è¼Ó »