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there's mischief going on. Folks don't use to Acres. A quietus! meet for amusement with fire arms, firelocks, Sir L. For instance, now, if that should be fire engines, fire screens, fire offices, and the the case, would you choose to be pickled, and devil knows what other crackers beside !- sent home? or would it be the same to you to This, my lady, I say, has an angry favour.- lie here in the Abbey? I'm told there is very To be sure, Captain Absolute
boug lying in the Abbey? Jul. But who is engaged?
Acres. Pickled! snug lying in the Abbey ! David. My poor master-under favour for Odds tremors ! Sir Lucius, don't talk so ! mentioning din first. You know me, my lady Sir L. I suppose, Mr. Acres, you were never -I am David-and my master of course is, or engaged in an affair of this kind before. was, 'squire Acres-and Captain Absolute.- Acres. No, Sir Lucius, never before. Then comes 'squire Fanlkland.
Sir L. Ah, that's a pity ! there's nothing like Jul. Do, Ma'am, let us instantly endeavour being used to a thing. Pray, now, how would to prevent mischief.
you receive the gentleman's shot? Mrs. M. Oh, fie! it would look very inele- Acres. Odds tiles! I've practised that: gant in us :—we should only participate there, Sir Lucius, there (Puts himself in a etthings.
titude.] a side-front, hey? Odd, I'll make myLyd. Do, my dear aunt, let us hasten to pre- self small enough, i'll stand edgeways. vent them.
Sir L. Now, you're quite out-fur if you David. Ah, do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives! stand so when I take my aim- they are desperately given, believe me.
(Levelling at him. Above all, there is that blood-thirsty Philis- Acres. Zounds, Sir Lucius! are you sure it tine, Sir Lucius O'Trigger.
is not cocked ? Mrs. M. Sir Lucius O'Trigger!-O mercy!
Sir L. Never fear. have they drawn poor little dear Sir Lucius Acres. But-bu:-you don't know-it may into the scrape !-Why, how you stand, girl! go off of its own head! you have no more feeling than one of the Der- Sir L. Pho! be easy. Well, now, if I hit byshire putrifactions !
you in the body, my bullet has a double chance Lyd. What are we to do, Madam?
--for if it misses a vital part of your right side, Mrs. M. Why, fly, with the utmost felicity, twill be very hard if it don't succeed on the to be sure, to prevent mischief -here, friend | left. you can show us the place ? Come, Sir, lead Acres. A vital part ! the way, and we'll precede.
Sir L. But, there--fix yourself so-[Placing David. Oh, never fear; and one good thing him.] let me see the broadside of your full is, we shall' find it out by the report of the front-there-now a ball or two may pass clean pistols.
through your body, and never do you any harm All Ladies. The pistols !-Oh, let us fly. at all. (Exeunt, David talking. Acres. Clean through me! a ball or two clean
through me! SCENE II.-King's-Meadow-fields. Sir L. Ay, and it is much the genteelest atSir Lucius and Acres, with Pistols.
titude into the bargain.
Acres. Lookye ! Sir Lucius-I'd just as lieve Acres. By my valour, then, Sir Lucius, forty be shot in an awkward posture as a genteel yards is a good distance-Odds levels and one--so, by my valour! I will stand edgeaims ! I say, it is a good distance.
Sir L. It is, for muskets or small field-pieces; Sir L. (Looking at his Watch.) Sure, they upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, you must don't mean to disappoint us-ha! no, 'faith-I leave these things to me. Stay, now-I'll show think I see them coming. you. (Measures paces along the Stage.] There, Acres. Hey! what! coming! now, ibat is a very pretty distance, a pretty Sir L. Ay, who are those yonder, getting gentleman's distance.
over the stile ? Acres. Zounds! we might as well fight in a Acres. There are two of them indeed! well $ ntrybox! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the farther —let them come—hey, Sir Lucius (-we-we he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim. --we-we-wont run.
Sir L. 'Faith, then, I suppose you would Sir L, Run! aim at him best of all'if he was out of sight! Acres. No, I say we wont run, by my ra.
Acres. No, Sir Lucius, but I should think lour! forty, or eight and thirty yards
Sir L. What the devil's the matter with Sir L. Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four you? feet between the mouths of your pistols is as Acres. Nothing, nothing, my dear friendgood as a mile.
my dear Sir Lucius-but 1-1-I don't feel Acres. Odds bullets, no! by my valour there quite so bold, somehow, as I did. is no merit in killing him so near! Do, my
Sir L. O fie! consider your honour. dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a Acres. Ay, true—my honour-do, Sir Lucius, long shot: a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love edge in a word or two every now and then, me!
about my honour. Sir L. Well--the gentleman's friend and I Sir L. Well, here they're coming. (Looking; must settle that. But tell me now, Mr. Acres, Acres. Sir Lucius, it I wasn't with you I in case of an accident, is there any little will should almost think I was afraid : if my vaor commission I could execute for you? lour should leave me! valour will come and
Acres. I am much obliged to you, Sir Lu-go. cius, but I don't understand
Sir L. Then pray keep it fast while you Sir L. Why, you may think there's no being have it. shot at without a little risk; and, if an un- Ares. Sir Lucius, I doubt it is going ; yes, lucky bullet should carry a quietus with it-I my valour is certainly going; it is speaking say, it will be no time then to be bothering off! I feel it oozing out, as it were, at the you about family matters.
palms of my hands!
Sir L. Your honoor, your honour. Here Sir L. Well, Sir ? they are.
Acres. Lookye, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind Acres. Oh, that I was safe at Clod Hall! the word coward; coward may be said in or could be shot before I was aware !
joke; but if you had called me a poltroon,
odds daggers and balls, Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.
Sir L. Well, Sir ?
Acres. I should have thought you a very illSir L. Gentlemen, your most obedient; ha ! bred man. what, Captain Absolute! so, I suppose, Sir, Sir L. Pho! you are beneath my notice. you are come here, just like myself, to do a Capt. A. Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a kind office, first for your friend, then to pro- better second than my friend Acres. He is a ceed to business on your own account? most determined dog ; called, in the country,
Acres. What, Jack! my dear Jack! my fighting Bob. He generally kills a man a dear friend!
week; don't you, Bob? Capt. A. Harkye, Bob, Beverley's at hand. Acres. Ay,-at home.
Sir L. Well, Mr. Acres, I don't blame your Sir L. Well, then, captain, 'tis we must saluting the gentleman civilly. So, Mr. Be- begin;
so come out, my little counsellor, verley, (To FAULKLAND.) if you choose your [Drau's his sword.) and ask the gentleman, weapons, the captain and I will measure the whether he will resign
the lady without forcground.
ing you to proceed against him? Faulk. My weapons, Sir! Acres. Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going wont let it be an amicable suit, here's iny
Capt. A. Come then, Şir, [Draws.] since you to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are my particu- reply. lar friends!
Sir L. What, Sir, did not you come here to Enter Sir ANTHONY, DAVID, and the Ladies. fight Mr. Acres ?
David. Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir An. Faulk. Not I, upon my word, Sir.
thony; knock down my master in particular; Sir L. Well, now, that's mighty provoking! and 'bind his hands over to their good bebut I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are three haviour. of us come on purpose for the game, you wont Sir L. Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be be so cantanckerous as to spoil the party, by in a frenzy; how came you in a duel, Sir? sitting out.
Capt. A. "Faith, Sir, that gentleman can tell Capt. A. Oh, pray, Faulkland, fight, to you better than I'; 'twas he called on me, and oblige Sir Lucius.
you know, Sir, I serve his majesty. Faulk. Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the Sir. A. Here's a pretty fellow ! I catch him matter.
going to cut a man's throat, and he tells me lie Actes. No, no, Mr. Faulkland, I'll bear my serves his majesty! zounds; sirrah, then how disappointment like a christian: lookye, Sir durst you draw the king's sword against one of Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to his subjects ? fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve Capt. A. Sir, I tell you, that gentleman called let it alone.
me out, without explaining his reasons. Sir L. Observe me, Mr. Acres; I must not Sir Á. 'Gad, Sir, how came you to call my be trifled with. You have certainly challenged son out, without explaining your reasons ? somebody, and you came here to fight him. Sir L. Your son, Sir, insulted me in a manNow, if that gentleman is willing to represent ner which my honour could not brook. him, I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just Sir A. Zounds, Jack ! how durst you insult the same thing.
the gentleman in a manner which his honour Acres. Why, no, Sir Lucias, I tell you, 'tis conld not brook? one Beverley I've challenged; a fellow, you Mrs. M. Come, come, let's have no bonour see, that dare not show his face: if he were before ladies. Captain Absolute, come here; here, I'd make him give up his pretensions how could you intimidate us so ? here's Lydia directly!
has been terrified to death for you, Capt. A. Hold, Bob, let me set you right: Capt. A. For fear I should be killed, or there is no such man as Beverley in the case. escape, Ma'am ? The person who assumed that name is before Mrs. M. Nay, no delusions to the past, Lydia you : and as his pretensions are the same in is convinced : speak, child. both characters, he is ready to support them Sir L. With your leave, Ma'am, I must put in whatever way you please.
in a word here; I believe I could interpret the Sir L. Well, this is lucky. Now you have young lady's silence-Now markan opportunity
Lyd. What is it you mean, Sir ? Acres. What, quarrel with my dear friend, Sir L. Come, come, Delia, we must be seri. Jack Absolute! not if he were fifty Beverleys ! ous now; this is no tinje for trifling. Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me Lyd. 'T'is true, Sir; and your reproof bids me be so unnatural !
offer this gentleman my hand, and solicit the Sir L. Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, return of his affections. your valour has oozed away with a vengeance ! Capt. A. Oh, my little angel, say you so?
Acres. Not in the least; odds backs and Sir Lucius, I perceive there must be some abettors! I'll be your second with all my mistake here with regard to the affront heart, and if you should get a quietus, you which you affirm I have given you, I can may command me entirely. I'll get you snug only say that it could not have been intenlying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and tional. And as you must be convinced, that send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or any I should not fear to support a real injury, you thing of the kind, with the greatest pleasure. shall now see that I am not ashamed to atone
Sir L. Pho! pho! you are little better than for an inadvertency; .,I ask your pardon. a coward.
But for this lady, while honoured with her Acres. Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a approbation, I will support my claim against coward; coward was the word, by my valour! any man whatever.
Sir L. Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by than I am now in wanting inclination to re. you, my boy.
sent it. As my heart honestly bids me place Acres. Mind, I give up all my claim; I my weakness to the account of love, I should make no pretensions to any thing in the world : be ungenerous not to admit the same plea and if I can't get a wife without fighting for for yours, (SIR ANTHONY comes forward. her, by my valour! I'll live a bachelor. Sir A. What's going on here? So you have
Sir L. Captain, give me your hand : an af- been quarrelling too, I warrant. -Come, front handsomely acknowledged becomes an Julia, I never interfered before; but let me obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses have a hand in the matter at last. All the to deny her own hand-writing here
faults I have ever seen in my friend Faulk
[Takes out letters. land, seemed to proceed from what he calls Mrs. M. Oh, he will dissolve my mystery! the delicacy and warmth of his affection for (Aside.] Sir Lucius, perhaps there is some you. There, marry him directly, Julia ; you'll mistake, perhaps I can illuminate
find he'll mend surprisingly. Sir L. Pray, old gentlewoman, don't inter
[The rest come forward. fere where you have no business. Miss Lan- Sir L. Come, now, I hope there is no disguish, are you my Delia, or not?
satisfied person but what is content; for as I Lyd. Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. have been disappointed myself, it will be
[LYDIA and ABSOLUTE walk aside. very hard if I have not the satisfaction of Mrs. M. Sir Lucius O'Trigger, ungrateful seeing other people succeed better as you are, I own the soft impeachment; par- Acres. You are right, Sir Lucius. So, Jack, don my camelion blushes, I am Delia. I wish you joy-Mr. Faulkland, the same. Sir L. You Delia ? pho, pho, be easy. Ladies,-come now, to show you I'm neither
Mrs. M. Why, thou barbarous Vandyke, vexed nor angry, odds tabors and pipes! I'll those letters are mine. When you are more order the fiddles in half an hour, to the New sensible of my benignity, perhaps I may be Rooms—and I insist on your all meeting me brought to encourage your addresses. there.
Sir L. Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sen- Sir A. 'Gad! Sir, I like your spirit; and at sible of your condescension ; (and whether night we single lads will drink a health to you or Lucy have put this trick upon me, I the young couples, and a good husband to am equally beholden to you. And, to show Mrs. Malaprop. you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, Faulk. Our partners are stolen from us, Jack since you have taken that lady from me, I'll |--I hope, to be congratulated by each othergive you my Delia into the bargain. yours for having checked in time the errors of
Capt. A. I am much obliged to you, Sir Lu- an ill-directed imagination, which might have cius, but here's my friend, fighting Bob, un- betrayed an innocent heart; and mine for hav, provided for.
ing, by her gentleness and candour, reformed Sir L. Ha! little valour-here, will you the unhappy temper of one, who by it made make your fortune ?
wretched whom he loved most, and tortured Acres. Odds wrinkles ! No.-But give me the heart he ought to have adored. your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and forgive; Capt. A. True, Faulkland, we have both but if ever I give you a chance of pickling me tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets of again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all. love ; with this difference only, that you al
Sir A. Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast ways prepared the bitter cup for yourself, down-you are in your bloom yet.
IMrs. M. O Sir Anthony ;-men are all bar- Lyd. Was always obliged to me for it, hey! barians !
Mr. Modesty ! But come, no more of that; our [All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND. happiness is now as unalloyed as general. Jul. He seems dejected and unhappy-not Jul. Then let us study to preserve it so: sullen :-there was some foundation, however, and while hope pictures to us a flattering scene for the tale he told me–0 woman ! how true of happiness, let us deny its pencil those colshould be your judgment, when your resolu- ours which are too bright to be lasting. When tion is su weak!
hearts diffusing happiness would unite their Faulk. Julia !-how can I sue for what I so fortunes, virtue would crown them with an little deserve? I dare not presume-yet hope unfading garland of modest, hurtless flowers; is the child of penitence,
but ill-judging passion will force the gaudier Jul. Oh! Faulkland, you have not been rose into the wreath, whose thorn offends most more faulty in your unkind treatment of me, when its leaves are dropped !
A PARTIAL hint for this piece was suggested, to the elegant writer, by the episode of Lindor, in Marmontel's Tales; and the part relative to Mademoiselle Florival, from a story in the British Magazine.
A delicate vein of satire on the absurdities of Platonic love, runs through this laughable and well-written farce, which originally met with great and deserved success.
won my affections, and asked me of my father
in marriage: but he, alas! too much influenced SCENE I.--A Room in EMILY's House.
by the narrow prejudices so common between Enter Emily with a letter open in her hand, the two nations, forbade the officer his house, and MADEMOISELLE FLORIVAL in man's clothes. but not before we were, by the most solemn
engagements, secretly contracted to each Em. Be'assured, that I will do every thing other. in my power to serve you; my brother knew Em. May I ask the officer's name? that he might command my service-Be com- Flo. Excuse me, Madam. Till I see or forted, I beseech you, Madam.
hear from him once more, my prudence, vanity, Flo. You cannot wonder, Madam, that I or call it what you will, will scarce suffer me should be shocked, extremely shocked, at the to mention it. Your brother, indeed, is accruel necessity of appearing before you in so quainted withindelicate a disguise.
Em. I beg your pardon—I hope, however, Em. Indeed, you need not: there is some- you have no reason to think yourself neglected thing in your manner, which convinces me, or forgotten! that every action of your life carries its apo- Flo. Oh, no; far from it. He was soon logy along with it; though I will not venture recalled by orders from England : and on my to inquire into the particulars of your story father's pressing me to consent to another till your mind is more at ease.
match, my passion-I blush to own it-tranFlo. Alas, Madam, it is my interest to make sported me so far, as to depart abruptly from you acquainted with my story. I am the Belleisle. I came over in an English ship to daughter of Monsieur Florival, a French Portsmouth, where I expected according to letphysician, in the island of Belleisle. An Eng-ters he had contrived to send me, to find the lish officer, who had been desperately wound-officer. Put, judge of my disappointment, ed, was, after the capitulation, for the sake when I learned that he embarked but three of' due attendance, taken into my father's days before for the siege of the Havannah. house ; and as I, in the very early part of my Em. The Havannah! You touch me nearly life, had resided in England, he took some-pray go on. pleasure in my conversation.' In a word, he Flo. In a strange kingdom-alone--and a woman-what could I do? In order to defeat tory. It is quite a little novel. She is a inquiries after me, I disguised myself in this Frenchwoman, Mademoiselle Florival, run habit, and mixed with the officers of the away from her father at Belleisle, and dying place; but your brother soon discovered my for an English gentleman at the Havannah. uneasiness, and saw through my disguise. I Bell. The Havannah !-Not for Colonel Tam- . frankly confessed to him every particular of per, I hope, sister, my story : in consequence of which, he has Em. If Colonel Tamper had been at the thus generously recommended me to your taking of Belleisle too, I should have been protection.
frightened out of my wits about it. Em. And you may depend on my friendship. Bell. Suppose I should bring you some news -Your situation atfects me strangely.
of bim. Flo. Oh, Madam, it is impossible to tell you Em. Of whom? half its miseries ; especially since your brother Bell. Colonel Tamper. has convinced me, that I am so liable to be Em. What do you mean? discovered. .
Bell. Only a card. Em. You shall throw off that dress as soon Em. A card !-From whom? What card ? as possible, and then I will take you into the Bell. Oh, what a delightful flutter it puts house with me and my sister-In the mean- her into ! time, let me see you every day-every hour. Em. Nay, but tell me. I shall not be afraid that your visits will affect Bell. Well then-while your visitor was my reputation.
here, there came a card from Major Belford ; Flo. You are too good to me. [Weeping. and I took the liberty of sending an answer
Em. Nay, this is too much; it overcomes to it. me. Pray, be cheerful.
Em. Let me see it! Dear Bell, let me see Flo. I humbly take my leave.
it! Em. Adieu. "I shall expect you to dinner. Bell. Oh, it was nothing but his compli
Flo. I shall do myself the honour of waiting ments, and desiring to have the honour of on you.
[Exit. waiting on you any time this morning, from Em. Poor woman! I thought my uneasiness Colonel Tamper. almost insupportable ; and yet, how much Em. From Colonel Tamper!-What can this must her anxiety exceed mine!
mean?–1 am ready to sink with fear-Why
does he not come himself? Enter BELL.
Bell. He's not arrived
not come to town Bell. So, sister! I met your fine gentleman. yet, I suppose. Upon my word, the young spark must be a Em. Oh, Bell! I could suppose twenty favourite.-You have had a tête-à-tête of above things that terrify me to death. half an hour together.
Bell. I think now, such a message ought to Em. How d’ye like him?
put you quite out of your pain : he could not Bell. Not at all : a soft lady-like gentleman, come from Colonel Tamper, if there was no with a white hand, a mincing step, and á such person in being. smooth chin. Where does this pretty master Em, Ay, but suppose any accident should come from?
have happened to him! Heaven forbid! How Em. From my brother.
unfortunate it is to dote upon a man, whose Bell. Who is he?
profession exposes him hourly to the risk of Em. A present to you.
his life! Bell. A present to me! what d’ye mean? Bell. Lord, Emily, how can you torment
Em. Why, did not my brother promise to yourself with such horrid examinations ? Betake care of you before he went abroad? sides, should the worst come to the worst-it Bell. Well, and what then ?
is but a lover lost; and that is a loss easily reEm. What then! Why, he has taken care of paired, you know. you-sent you a pretty fellow for a husband- Em. Go, you mad-cap! but you'll pay for Could he possibly take better care of you ? all this one day, I warrant you. When you
Bell. A husband !-a puppet, a doll, a-. come to be heartily in for it yourself, Bell, Em. A soldier, Bell !-a red coat, consider. you will know, that when a pure and disin
Bell. A fine soldier indeed !-I can't bear to terested passion fills the breast, when once a see a red coat cover any thing but a man, sis- woman has set her heart upon a man, nothing ter.-Give me a soldier that looks as if he in the world but that very man will ever make could love me and protect me; ay, and tame her happy. me too, if I deserved it.- If was to have Bell. I admire your setting your heart, as this thing for a husband, I would set him at you call it, of all things. Your love, my dear the top of my India cabinet with the China Emily, is not so romantic. You pitch upfigures, and bid the maid take care she did not on a man of figure and fortune, handsome, break him.
sensible, good-natured, and well-bred; of Em. Well, well; if this is not the case, I rank in life, and credit in his profession; a don't know what my brother will say to you. man that half the women in town would pull Here's his letter; read it, and send him an caps for; and then you talk, like a sly prude, answer yourself.
of your pure and disinterested passion. Bell. [Reads.] Dear sister,—The bearer of Em. Why then, I declare, if he had not a this letter isma lady !--So, so! your servant, friend on earth, or a shilling in the world-if Madam and yours too, sister !-whose casé he was as miserable as the utmost malice of is truly compassionate, and whom I most ear- ill fortune could make him, I would prefer nestly recommend to your protection,--Um-um Colonel Tamper to the first duke in the king-un-take care of her-Um-um-um-not too dom. many questions-Um-um-um-in town in a Bell, Oh, sister, it is a mighty easy thing for few days.--I'll be whipped, now, if this is not persons rolling in affluence and a coach-and, some mistress of his.
six, to talk of living on bread and water, and Em. No, no, Bell, I know her whole his. I the comforts of love in a cottage.