Em. The coach-and-six, Bell, would give little happiness to those who could not be happy without it. When once the heart has settled its affections, how mean is it to withdraw them for any paltry considerations, of what nature soever!

Bell. I think the lady doth protest too much. Em. Ay, but she'll keep her word.

Enter SERVANT.

Oh,

Serv. Major Belford, Madam! Em. Show him in-[Exit SERVANT.] Bell, I am ready to drop with apprehension !

Enter MAJOR BELFORD.

Belf. Ladies, your humble servant-[Salutes them.] I rejoice to find you so well.

Bell. And we congratulate you, Major, on your safe return from the Havannah-How does your friend Colonel Tamper do?

Belf. He is very well, Madam; but— Em. But what, Sir-I am frighted beyond expression-Is he in England? Belf. Yes, Madam. Em. In town? Belf. Yes, Madam.

Em. Why have not we the pleasure of seeing him then?

Belf. He'll be here immediately, Madam. Em. Oh, well.

Belf. But it was thought proper that I should wait on you first, to prepare you for his reception.

Em. To prepare me! What does he mean? Belf. Only to prevent your being alarmed at his appearance, Madam.

Em, Alarmed! you terrify me more and more-What is the matter?

Belf. Nay, nothing-A trifle-the mere chance of war, la fortune de la guerre, as the French call it; that's all, Madam.

Em. I'm upon the rack-Dear Sir, explainBelf. The colonel, you know, Madam, is a man of spirit.-Having exposed his person very gallantly in the several actions before the town of the Havannah, he received many wounds; one or two of which have been attended with rather disagreeable circum

stances.

Em. But is the colonel well at present, Sir? Belf. Extremely well, Madam. Em. Are not the consequences of his wounds likely to endanger his life?

Belf. Not in the least, Madam.

Em. I am satisfied-Pray go on, Sir. Belf. Do not you be alarmed, MadamEm. Keep me no longer in suspense, I beseech you, Sir!

Bell. What can all this mean?

Belf. The two principal wounds which the colonel received, Madam, were, one a little above the knee, and another in his face. In consequence of the first, he was reduced to the necessity of saving his life by the loss of a leg; and the latter has deprived him of the sight of an eye.

Em. Oh, Heavens! [Ready to faint. Bell. Poor Emily! How could you be so abrupt, Sir? The violent agitation of her mind is too much for her spirits.

Belf. No, not an arm-an eye, Madam. Em. An eye! worse and worse-Poor colonel!

Belf. Rather unfortunate, to be sure. But we should consider, Madam, that we have saved his life; and these were sacrifices necessary for its preservation.

Em. Very true. Ay-ay-so as he has but his life, I am happy. And I ought now to be attached to him, not only from tenderness, but compassion.

Belf. After all, Madam, his appearance is much better than you may imagine. His face, by the help of a black ribband, is very little disfigured; and he has got a false leg, made so naturally, that, except a small hitch in his gait, there is no material alteration in his person and deportment-Besides which, in point of health and spirits, he is particularly well.

Em. I am glad of it-But, alas! he, whose person was so charming!-And his eyes, that were so brilliant!-So full of sensibility!

Belf. This accident, Madam, on his own account gives him no uneasiness: to say the truth, he seems rather vain upon it: I could wish therefore, when he comes, that you would not seem too deeply affected, but rather assume an air of cheerfulness, lest any visible uneasiness in you should shock the colonel.

Em. Poor colonel! I know his sensibility. Let me endeavour, therefore, to convince him, that he is as dear to me as ever! Oh, yes, cost me what it will, I must show him, that the preservation of his life is an entire consolation

[Bursts into tears; leans upon BELL. Tam. How's this? tears!

Bell. You should not have followed the major so soon, colonel; she had scarce recovered the first shock from his intelligence.

Tam. My impatience would suffer me to delay no longer-Why do you weep so, Emily? -Are you sorry to see me again? Em. Sorry to see you unfortunate.

[Weeping. Tam. Unfortunate! call me rather fortunate; I am come back alive; alive and merry, Emily.

Em. I am glad you have saved your life. [Weeping.

Tam. I dare say you are. Look on me then; what, not one glance! Wont you deign to look on your poor maimed soldier? [Pausing.] Is it possible, then, that any alteration of my person can occasion a change in your sen

Em. Never, colonel, never it is surely no mark of want of affection to be so much hurt at your misfortunes.

Tam. Misfortunes! no misfortunes at allnone at all to a soldier-nothing but the ordinary incidents and common casualties of his life-marks of honour-and tokens of valour -I declare I bear them about with me as the most honourable badges of my profession.-I am proud of them-I would not part with this wooden leg for the best flesh and blood in Christendom.

Em. And can you really be so unconcerned at this accident?

Tam. Really; and you shall be unconcerned too, Emily. You shall find more in me still, than in half the battered rakes and fops about town. It injures me no more than it does a fine tree, to lop my branches. My trunk is heart of oak, and I shall thrive the better for it.

Em. But is there no hope of recovering your eye again? Oh, we must have the best advice -Is the sight quite lost?

Tam. Quite-blind as a mill-horse-Blind as a beetle, Emily-But what does that signify? Love is blind, you know; and if I have lost one eye, why, they say, I shall see the clearer with the other.

Em. I cannot look at him without shuddering. [Retires and sits down. Bell. What action was it you suffered in, colonel?

Tam. Before the Moro castle, Ma'am, before the Moro-Hot work, hissing hot, by sea and land, I assure you, Ma'am. Ah, the Moro, the Moro!--But if men go to run their heads against stone-walls, they must expect to have a sconce or two broken before they make their way through them-Eh, Major?

Tam. [Assuming his natural air and manner.] Ha, ha, ha!-Well, Belford, what is your opinion now? Will she stand the test or no?

Belf. If she does, it is more than you deserve. I could wish she would give you up with all my heart, if I did not think you would run stark mad with vexation. Tam. Why so?

Belf. Because, as I have often told you before, this is a most absurd and ridiculous scheme, a mere trick to impose upon yourself, and most probably end in your losing the af fections of an amiable lady.

Tam. You know, Belford, there is an excess of sensibility in my temper

Belf. That will always make you unhappy. Tam. Rather say, it will insure the future happiness of my life. Before I bind myself to abide by a woman at all events, and in all circumstances, I must be assured that she will, at all events, and in all circumstances, retain her affection for me.

Belf. 'Sdeath, I have no patience to hear you. Have not you all the reason in the world to rest assured, that Emily entertains a most sincere passion for you?

Tam. Perhaps so; but then I am not equally assured of the basis on which that passion is founded.

Belf. Her folly, I am afraid. Tam. Nay, but I am serious, major. Belf. You are very ridiculous, colonel. Tam. Well, well; it does not signify talking. I must be convinced that she loves me for my own sake, for myself alone; and that, were I divested of every desirable gift of fortune and of nature, and she was to be addressed by fifty others who possessed them all in the most eminent degree, she would continue to prefer me to all the rest of mankind.

one of your expeditions to the coast of France, I suppose-No plain Englishman ever dreamed of such a whim-Love you for yourself! for your own sake!-not she, truly.

Tam. How then?

Em. Excuse me, I cannot help it but be assured, I esteem you as much as ever, Sir. Tam. Esteem! and Sir!-This is cold language I have not been used to hear you talk in that style, Emily.

Em. I don't know what I say-I am not well-let me retire.

Tam. When shall we name the happy day? I shall make shift to dance on that occasionthough as Withrington fought-on my stumps, Emily. Tell me, when shall we be happy?

Em. I grow more and more faint-Lead me to my chamber, Bell.

Bell. She is very ill-don't tease her now, colonel but let us try to procure her some

behave like a poltroon or a villain, and you know I would cut your throat, colonel!

Tam. I don't doubt you, major; but if she don't love me for my own sake, for myself, as I said, how can I ever be certain that she will not transfer that love to another?

Belf. "For your own sake! for yourself, again!"-Why what, in the common name of sense, is this self of yours, that you make such a rout about? Your birth, your fortune, your character, your talents, and perhaps, sweet colonel, that sweet person of yours-all these may have taken her-and habitude, and continual intercourse, must increase her partiality for them in you, more than in any other person. But, after all, none of these things are yourself. You are but the ground; and these qualities are woven into your frame. Yet it is not the stuff, but the richness of the work, that stamps a value on the piece.

Tam. Why, this is downright sermonizing, major. Give you pudding-sleeves and a grizzle wig, you might be chaplain to the regi

ment. Yet matrimony is a leap in the dark indeed, if we cannot beforehand make ourselves at all certain of the fidelity and affection of our wives.

Belf. Marriage is precarious, I grant you, and must be so. You may play like a weary gamester, 'tis true. I would not marry a notorious profligate, nor a woman in a consumption; but there is no more answering for the continuance of her good disposition, than that of her good health.

Tum. Fine maxims! make use of them yourself; they wont serve me. A fine time, indeed, to experience a woman's fidelity-after marriage; a time when every thing conspires to render it her interest to deceive you! No, no; no fool's paradise for me, Belford.

Belf. A fool's paradise is better than a wiseacre's purgatory.

Tam. 'Sdeath, Belford, who comes here?— I shall be discovered.

[Resuming his counterfeit manner.

Enter PRATTle.

Prat. Gentlemen, your most obedient; mighty sorry, extremely concerned, to hear the lady's taken ill-I was sent for in a violent hurry-had forty patients to visit-resolved to see her, however-Major Belford, rejoice to see you in good health-Have I the honour of knowing this gentleman?

[Pointing to TAMPER and going up to him. Tam. Hum, huin!

[Limping away from PRATTLE. Belf. An acquaintance of mine, Mr. Prattle. You don't know him, I believe-A little hurt in the service-that's all.

Prat. Accidents, accidents, will happenNo less than seven brought into our infirmary yesterday, and ten into the hospital-Did you hear, Major Belford, that poor lady Di. Racket broke her arm last night, by an overturn, from her horses taking fright among the vast crowd of coaches getting in at Lady Thunder's rout: and yesterday morning, Sir Helter Skelter, who is so remarkably fond of driving, put out his collar bone by a fall from his own coachbox.

Tam. Pox on his chattering! I wish he'd be gone! [Aside. Belf. But your fair patient, Mr. Prattle-I am afraid we detain you.

Prat. Not at all;-I'll attend her immediately-[Going, returns.]-You have not heard of the change in the ministry! Tam. Psha! Belf. I have.

[Aside.

Prut. Well, well-[Going, returns.]-Lady Sarah Melville brought to-bed within these two hours-a boy-Gentlemen, your servant, your very humble servant. [Exit.

Tam. Chattering jackanapes!

lished in the Daily Advertiser. But come, for fear of discovery, we had better decamp for the present. March! Belf. You'll expose yourself confoundedly, Tamper. Tum. Say no more. I am resolved to put her affection to the trial. If she's thorough proof, I'm made for ever, Come along. [Going.

Belf. Tamper! Tam. Oh, I am lame-I forgot. [Limping, Belf. Lord, Lord! what a fool self-love makes of a man! [Exeunt

ACT II.

Belf. So, the apothecary's come already we shall have a consultation of physicians, the knocker tied up, and straw laid in the street shortly-But are not you ashamed, Tamper, to give her all this uneasiness?

Tam. No matter-I'll make her ample amends at last-What could possess them to send for this blockhead? He'll make her worse and worse-He will absolutely talk her to death.

Belf. Oh, the puppy's in fashion, you know. Tam. It is lucky enough the fellow did not know me. He's a downright he-gossip!-and any thing he knows might as well be pub

Em. Pray, Mr. Prattle, how does poor Miss Crompton do?

Prat. Never better, Ma'am. Somebody has removed her disorder, by prescribing very ef fectually to the Marquis of Cranford. His intended match with Miss Richman, the hundred thousand pound fortune, is quite off; and so, Ma'am, Miss Crompton is perfectly well again-By the bye too, she has another reason to rejoice for her cousin, Miss Dorothy, who lives with her, and began, you know, to grow rather old maidish, as we say, Ma'am, made a sudden conquest of Mr. Bumper, a Lancashire gentleman of a great estate, who came up to town for the Christmas; and they were married at Miss Crompton's yesterday evening.

Bell. Is it true, Mr. Prattle, that Sir John Medley is going to the south of France for the recovery of his health.

Prat. Very true, Ma'am, very true that he's going, I promise you; but not for the recovery of his health. Sir John's well enough himself-but his affairs are in a galloping consumption, I assure you. No less than two executions in his house. I heard it for a fact at Lady Modish's. Poor gentleman, I have known his chariot stand at Arthur's till eight o'clock in the morning, He has had a sad run a long time; but that last affair at Newmarket totally undid him. Pray, ladies, have you heard the story of Alderman Manchester's lady?

Bell. Oh, no. Pray, what is it?

Prat. A terrible story indeed-Eloped from her husband, and went off with Lord John Sprightly. Their intention, it seems, was to go over to Holland; but the Alderman pursued them to Harwich, and catched them just as they were going to embark. He threatened Lord John with a prosecution: but Lord John, who knew the Alderman's turn, came down with a thousand pounds; and so

Bell. Yes, Sir.

Prat. Pardon me, Ma'am! I know Colonel Tamper very well.-That poor gentleman was somewhat disabled-had suffered a little in the wars-Colonel Tamper is not so unfortunate.

Em. O yes, that horrid accident!
Prat. What accident?

Bell. His wounds-his wounds-Don't you know, Sir?

Prat. Wounds, Ma'am!-Upon my word, I never heard he had received any.

Bell. No! Why he lost a leg and eye at the siege of the Havannah.

Prat. Did he? Why then, Ma'am, I'll be bold to say he is the luckiest man in the world. Bell. Why so, Sir?

Prat. Because, Ma'am, if he lost a leg or an eye at the Havannah, they must be grown again, or he has somehow procured others that do the business every whit as well.

Em. Impossible!

Prat. I wish I may die, Ma'am, if the Colonel had not yesterday two as good legs and fine eyes as any man in the world. If he lost one of each at the Havannah, we practitioners in physic should be much obliged to him to communicate his receipt, for the benefit of Greenwich and Chelsea hospitals.

Em. Are you sure that the colonel has had no such loss, Sir?

Prat. As sure as that I am here, Ma'am! I saw him going into the what-d'ye-call-him ambassador's, just over against my house, yesterday; and the last place I was at this morning was Mrs. Daylight's, where I heard the colonel was at her route last night, and that every body thought he was rather improved than injured by his late expedition. But, odso! Lack-a-day, lack-a-day, lack-aday!-now I recollect-ha, ha, ha!

[Laughing very heartily. Bell. What's the matter, Mr. Prattle? Prut. Excuse me, ladies; I can't forbear laughing-ha, ha, ha!--The gentleman in the t'other room, Colonel Tamper! ha, ha, ha!--I find the colonel had a mind to pay a visit in masquerade this morning-I spoke to Major Belford-I thought I knew his friend too but he limped away and hid his face, and would not speak to me.-Upon my word, he did it very well! I could have sworn there had been an amputation-He would make a figure at a masked ball. Ha, ha, ha!

Em. Bell. Ha, ha, ha!

[Looking at each other and affecting to laugh. Prat. Ha, ha, ha! very comical! Ha, ha, ha!

Bell. A frolic, Mr. Prattle, a frolic: I think, however, you had better not take any notice of it abroad.

Prat. Me! I shall never breathe it, Ma'am: I am close as oak-an absolute free-mason for secrecy-But, Ma'am, [Kising.] I must bid you good morning-1 have several patients to visit before dinner. Mrs. Tremor, I know, will be dying with the vapours till she sees me; and I am to meet Dr. Valerian at Lord Hectic's in less than half an hour.

Em. Ring the bell, my dear-Mr. Prattle, your servant.

Prat. Ladies, your very humble servant. I shall send you a cordial mixture, Ma'am, to be taken in any particular faintness, or lowness of spirits; and some draughts, for morning and evening. Have a care of catching cold, be cautious in your diet, and I make no doubt but in a few days we shall be pe.fectly recovered. Ladies, your servant: your most obedient, very humble servant. [Exit.

[The Ladies sit for some time silent. Bell. Sister Emily. Em. Sister Bell!

Bell. What d'ye think of Colonel Tamper now, sister?

Em. Why I am so provoked, and so pleased; so angry, and so diverted; that I don't know whether I should be in or out of humour, at this discovery.

Bell. No!-Is it possible you can have so little spirit? This tattling apothecary will tell this fine story at every house he goes into-it will be town-talk-If a lover of mine had attempted to put such an impudent deceit upon me, I would never see his face again.

Em. If you had a lover that you liked, Bell, you would not be quite so violent.

Bell. Indeed, but I should. What! to come here with a Canterbury tale of a leg and an eye, and Heaven knows what, merely to try the extent of his power over you-To gratify his inordinate vanity, in case you should retain your affection for him; or to reproach you for your weakness and infidelity, if you could not reconcile yourself to him on that supposition.

Em. It is abominably provoking, I own; and yet, Bell, it is not a quarter of an hour ago, but I would have parted with half my fortune to have made it certain that there was a trick in the story.

Bell. Well, I never knew one of these men of extraordinary sense, as they are called, that was not in some instances a greater fool than the rest of mankind.

Em. After all, Bell, I must confess that this stratagem has convinced me of the infirmity of my temper. This supposed accident began to make strange work with me.

Bell. I saw that plain enough. I told you what your pure and disinterested passion, sister, would come to, long ago. Yet this is so flagrant an affront, I would not marry him these seven years.

Em. That, perhaps, might be punishing myself, sister.

Bell. We must plague him, and heartily too. Oh, for a bright thought now, some charming invention to torment him!

Em. Oh, as to that matter, I should be glad to have some comical revenge on him, with all my heart.

Enter SERVANT.

Serv. Captain Johnson, Ma'am. Em. Desire him to walk up. [Exit SERVANT.] I am fit to see any company now. This discovery will do me more good, I believe, than all Mr. Prattle's cordial mixtures, as he calls them.

telligence has given me spirits equal to any thing. Now I know it is but a trick, I shall Scarce be able to see him limping about without laughing.

Enter SERVANT.

Em. What d'ye mean?

Bell. Captain Johnson shall be Colonel Tamper's rival, sister!

Em. Hush! here she is.

Enter MADEMOISELLE FLORIVAL.

Em. Give me leave, Madam, to introduce you to my sister.

Bed. I have heard your story, Madam, and take part in your misfortunes.

Flo. I am infinitely obliged both to you and to that lady, Madam.

Em. Oh! Madam, I have been extremely ill since you was here this morning, and terrified almost beyond imagination.

Flo. I am very sorry to hear it; may I ask what has alarmed you?

Em. It is so ridiculous, I scarce know how to tell you.

Bell. Then I will. You must know, Ma'am, that my sister was engaged to an officer, who went out on a late military expedition. He is just returned, but is come home with the strangest conceit that ever filled the brain of a lover. He took it into his head to try my sister's faith by pretending to be maimed and wounded, and has actually visited her this morning in a counterfeit character. We have just now detected the imposition, and want your assistance to be pleasantly revenged on him.

Flo. I cannot bring myself to be an advocate for the lady's cruelty-But you may both command me in any thing.

Em. There is no cruelty in the case; I fear I am gone too far for that. As you are, in appearance, such a smart young gentleman, my sister has waggishly proposed to make you the instrument of exciting Colonel Tamper's jealousy, by your personating the character of a supposed rival Was not that your device, sister?

Bell. It was; and if this lady will come into it, and you play your part well, we'll tease the wise colonel, and make him sick of his rogueries, I warrant you.

Flo. I have been a mad girl in my time, I confess, and remember when I should have joined in such a frolic with pleasure. At present, I fear I am scarce mistress enough of my temper to maintain my character with any tolerable humour. However, I will summon up all my spirits, and do my best to oblige

Enter COLONEL TAMPER.

Tam. This is to have new servants! not at home, indeed!-A pack of blockheads, to think of denying my Emily to me. I knew the

poor dear soul was a little out of order indeed -but-[Seeing FLORIVAL.I beg pardon, Madam! I did not know you had company.

Bell. Oh, this gentleman is a particular friend of my sister's-he's let in at any time. Tam. Hum! [Disordered.

Em. I did not expect to see you return so soon, Sir!

Tam. No; I believe I am come somewhat unexpectedly indeed, Madam!

Em. If your return had not been so extremely precipitate, Sir, I should have sent you a message on purpose to prevent your giving yourself that trouble.

Tam. Madam! a message! for what reason? Em. Because I am otherwise engaged.

[With indifference. Tam. Engaged! I don't apprehend you, Madam.

Em. No; you are extremely dull then: don't you see I have company? Was you at the opera last night, Captain Johnson?

[Coquetting with FLORIVAL. Tam. I am thunderstruck. Madam! Miss Emily! Madam!

Em. Sir!-Colonel Tamper !-Sir!
Tum. I say, Madam !—

Em. Sir!

Tam. 'Sdeath, I have not power to speak to her. This strange and sudden alteration in your behaviour, Madam

Em. Alteration! none at all, Sir; the change is on your side, not mine. I'll be judged by this gentleman. Captain Johnson, here's a miniature of the colonel, which he sat for just before be went abroad-done by a good hand, and reckoned a striking likeness. Did you ever see a poor creature so altered?

[Giving a bracelet.

Flo. Why really, Madam, there is, I must own, a very visible difference at present. That black ribband [Looking by turns on the picture and COLONEL TAMPER.] makes a total eclipse of the brilliancy of this right eye and then, the irregular motion of the leg gives such a twist to the rest of the body, that-

Tam. Sir!-But it is to you I address myself at present, Madam. I was once fond and foolish enough to imagine, that you had a heart truly generous and sensible; and flattered myself that it was above being shaken by absence, or affected by events. How have I been deceived! I find that

Em. Pardon me, Sir, I never deceived you; nay, you see that I disdained the thought of deceiving you even for a day. Out of respect to our late mutual attachment, I am resolved to deal openly with you. In a word, then, every thing between us must now be at an end.