[ACT I Miss T. By your honour, colonel! why will corner of every street, have their hair tied up you pass off your counters to me? don't I-the mason laying bricks, the baker with his know that you fine gentlemen regard no hon- basket, the post-boy crying newspapers, and our but that which is given at the gaming the doctors prescribing physic, have all their table; and which indeed ought to be the only hair tied up; and that's the reason so many honour you should make free with. heads are tied up every month. Col. T. How can you, Miss, treat me so cruelly? have I not absolutely forsworn dice, mistress, every thing, since I dared to offer myself to you? Miss T. Yes, colonel, and when I dare to receive you, you may return to every thing again, and not violate the laws of the present happy matrimonial establishment. Col. T. Give me but your consent, Madam, and your life to come Miss T. Do you get my consent, colonel, and Col. T. How shall I get your consent? Col. T. Are you in the humour now? Col. T. How shall I? Miss T. How shall I?-you a soldier, and not know the art military?-how shall I?I'll tell you how;-when you have a subtle, treacherous, polite enemy to deal with, never stand shilly shally, and lose your time in treaties and parleys, but cock your hat, draw your sword;-march, beat drum-dub, dub, a dub -present, fire, piff-pauff-'tis done! they fly, they yield-victoria! victoria! [Running off Col. T. Stay, stay, my dear, dear angel!Miss T. No, no, no, I have no time to be [Bringing her back. killed now; besides, Lady Minikin is in the vapours, and wants you at chess, and my lord is low spirited, and wants me at picquet; my uncle is in an ill humour, and wants me to discard you, and go with him into the country. Col. T. And will you, Miss? row;-Mr. Whisp will do it for me-your Davy. I shall have my head tied up to-morhonour and I look like Philistines among 'em. tied up; I hate innovation ;-all confusion and Sir J. And I shall break your head if it is no distinction!-the streets now are as smooth as a turnpike road! no rattling and exercise 'em are all fast asleep; and they have strings in the hackney-coaches; those who ride in waken 'em, when they are to be set down in their hands, that the coachman must pull to -what luxury and abomination! Davy. Is it so, your honour? 'feckins, I liked it hugely. Sir J. But you must hate and detest London. Davy. How can I manage that, your honour, when there is every thing to delight my eye, and cherish my heart? Sir J. 'Tis all deceit and delusion. and squeezing; such a power of fine sights, Davy. Such crowding, coaching, carting, fine shops full of fine things, and then such fine illuminations all of a row! and such fine dainty ladies in the streets, so civil and so graceless-they talk of country girls, these here look more healthy and rosy by half. civil to delude and destroy you: they are Sir J. Sirrah, they are prostitutes, and are painted Jezabels, and they who hearken to If you dare to look at 'em, you will be tainted, 'em, like Jezabel of old, will go to the dogs! and if you speak to 'em you are undone. honour know all this ?-were they as bad in Davy. Bless us, bless us!-how does your your time? Sir J. Not by half, Davy-in my time, there Miss T. Will I?-no, I never do as I am bid?but the harlots now watch like tigers for was a sort of decency in the worst of women; but you ought-so go to my lady. Col. T. Nay, but Miss Miss T. Nay, but colonel, if you wont obey your commanding officer, you shall be broke, and then my maid wont accept of you; so march, colonel! lookye, Sir, I will command before marriage, and do what I please afterwards, or I have been well educated to very little purpose. [Exit. Col. T. What a mad devil it is!-now, if I had the least affection for the girl, I should be damnably vexed at this!-but she has a fine fortune, and I must have her if I can.-Tol, lol, lol, &c. [Exit singing. Enter SIR JOHN TROTLEY, and Davy. Sir J. Hold your tongue, Davy; you talk like a fool. Davy. It is a fine place, your honour, and I could live here for ever! Sir J. More shame for you:-live here for ever!-what, among thieves and pickpockets! -what a revolution since my time! the more I see, the more I've cause for lamentation; what a dreadful change has time brought about in twenty years! I should not have known the place again, nor the people; all the signs that made so noble an appearance, are all taken down;-not a bob or tye-wig to be seen! all the degrees, from the parade in St. James' Park, to the stool and brush at the their Sir J. Well, we'll get away as fast as we can. Davy. Not this month, I hope, for I have not had half my bellyful yet. grow profligate; you sha'n't go out again toSir J. I'll knock you down, Davy, if you night, and to-morrow keep in my room, and stay till I can look over my things, and see they don't cheat you. Davy. Your honour then wont keep your word with me? [Sulkily. Sir T. Why, what did I promise you? piece, Davy? it is called the Rival Canaanities, or the Tra- than my word; there's money for you-[Gives go so soon, I'll make a night of it. [Aside, and exit. Sir J. This fellow would turn rake and maccaroni if he was to stay here a week longer-bless me, what dangers are in this town at every step! O, that I were once settled safe again at Trotley-place!-nothing but to save my country should bring me back again: my niece, Lucretia, is so be-fashioned and be-devilled, that nothing, I fear, can save her; however, to ease my conscience, I must try; but what can be expected from the young women of these times, but sallow looks, wild schemes, saucy words, and loose morals!they lie a-bed all day, sit up all night; if they are silent, they are gaming; and if they talk, 'tis either scandal or infidelity; and that they may look what they are, their heads are all feather, and round their necks are twisted rattlesnake tippets-O tempora, O mores! cheveu for me! SCENE II. LORD MINIKIN discovered in his powdering gown, with JESSAMY and MIGNON. Lord M. Pr'ythee, Mignon, don't plague me any more; dost think that a nobleman's head has nothing to do but be tortured all day under thy infernal fingers? give me my clothes. Mig. Ven you loss your monee, my lor, you no goot humour; the devil may dress your [Exit. Lord M. That fellow's an impudent rascal, but he's a genius, so I must bear with him. Our beef and pudding enrich their blood so much, that the slaves in a month forget their misery and soup-maigre-O, my head!-a chair, Jessamy!-I must absolutely change my wine-merchant: I can't taste his champagne, without disordering myself for a week! -heigho. [Sighs. Enter MISS TITTUP. Miss T. What makes you sigh, my lord? Lord M. Because you were so near me, child. Miss T. Indeed! I should rather have thought my lady had been with you-by your looks, my lord, I am afraid Fortune jilted you last night. Lord M. No, faith; our champagne was not good yesterday, I am vapoured like our English November; but one glance of my Tittup can dispel vapours like-like Miss T. Like something very fine, to be sure; but pray keep your simile for the next time; and harkye a little prudence will not be amiss; Mr. Jessamy will think you mad, [Half aside. Jes. O, pray don't mind me, Madam. Lord M. Gadso, Jessamy, look out my domino, and I'll ring the bell when I want you. and me worse. Jes. I shall, my lord;-Miss thinks that every body is blind in the house but herself. [Aside, and exit. Miss T. Upon my word, my lord, you must be a little more prudent, or we shall become the town talk. Lord M. And so I will, my dear; and therefore to prevent surprise, I'll lock the door. [Locks it. Miss T. What do you mean, my lord? Lord M. Prudence, child, prudence. I keep all my jewels under lock and key. Miss T. You are not in possession yet, my lord; I can't stay two minutes; I only came to tell you, that lady Minikin saw us yesterday in the hackney-coach; she did not know me, I believe; she pretends to be greatly uneasy at your neglect of her; she certainly has some mischief in her head. Lord M. No intentions, I hope, of being fond of me? Miss T. No, no, make yourself easy; she hates you most unalterably. Lord M. You have given me 'spirits again. Miss T. Her pride is alarmed, that you should prefer any of the sex to her. Lord M. Her pride then has been alarmed ever since I had the honour of knowing her. Miss T. But, dear my lord, let us be merry and wise; should she ever be convinced that we have a tendre for each other, she certainly would proclaim it, and then Lord M. We should be envied, and she would be laughed at, my sweet cousin. Miss T. Nay, I would have her mortified too-for though I love her ladyship sincerely: I cannot say, but I love a little mischief as sincerely: but then if my uncle, Trotley, should know of our affairs, he is so old-fashioned, prudish, and out of the way, he would either strike me out of his will, or insist upon my quitting the house. Lord M. My good cousin is a queer mortal, that's certain; I wish we could get him handsomely into the country again-he has a fine fortune to leave behind him. Miss T. But then he lives so regularly, and never makes use of a physician, that he may live these twenty years. Lord M. What can we do with the barbarian? Miss T. I don't know what's the matter with me, but I am really in fear of him: I suppose, reading his formal books when I was in the country with him, and going so constantly to church, with my elbows stuck to my hips, and my toes turned in, has given me these foolish prejudices. Lord M. Then you must affront him, or you'll never get the better of him. SIR JOHN TROTLEY, knocking at the door. Miss T. [Softly. Sir J. [At the door.] Nay, my lord, my lord, I heard you; pray let me speak with you. Lord M. Ho, Sir John, is it you? I beg your pardon, I'll put up my papers, and open the door. ing pretty loud; what, have you nobody with you? what were you about, cousin? [Looking about. Lord M. A particular affair, Sir John; I always lock myself up to study my speeches, and speak 'em aloud for the sake of the tone and action. Sir J. Ay, ay, 'tis the best way; I am sorry I disturbed you;-you'll excuse me, cousin! Lord M. I am obliged to you, Sir John; intense application to these things ruins my health; but one must do it for the sake of the nation. Sir J. May be so, and I hope the nation will be the better for't-you'll excuse me! Lord M. Excuse you, Sir John, I love your frankness; but why wont you be franker still? we have always something for dinner, and you will never dine at home. Sir J. You must know, my lord, that I love to know what I eat ;-I hate to travel, where I don't know my way; and since you have brought in foreign fashions and tigaries, every thing and every body are in masquerade: your men and manners too are as much frittered and fricaseed, as your beef and mutton; I love a plain dish, my lord. Miss T. I wish I was out of the room, or he at the bottom of the Thames. [Peeping. Sir J. But to the point;-I came, my lord, to open my mind to you about my niece Tittup; shall I do it freely? Miss T. Now for it! Lord M. The freer the better; Tittup's a fine girl, cousin, and deserves all the kindness you can show her. [LORD MINIKIN and TITTUP make signs at each other. Sir J. She must deserve it though, before she shall have it; and I would have her begin with lengthening her petticoats, covering her shoulders, and wearing a cap upon her head. Miss T. O, frightful! [Aside. Lord M. Don't you think a taper leg, falling shoulders, and fine hair, delightful objects, Sir John? Sir J. And therefore ought to be concealed; 'tis their interest to conceal 'em when you take from the men the pleasure of imagination, there will be a scarcity of husbands; and the taper legs, falling shoulders, and fine hair, may be had for nothing. Lord M. Well said, Sir John; ha, ha your niece shall wear a horseman's coat and jack-boots to please you-ha, ha, ha! Sir J. You may sneer, my lord, but for all that, I think my niece in a bad way; she must leave me and the country, forsooth, to travel and see good company and fashions; I have seen 'em too, and wish from my heart that she is not much the worse for her journeyyou'll excuse me ! Lord M. But why in a passion, Sir John? [LORD MINIKIN nods and laughs at MISS TITTUP, who peeps from behind. Don't you think that my lady and I shall be able and willing to put her into the road? Sir J. Zounds! my lord, you are out of it yourself; this comes of your travelling; all the town know how you and my lady live together; and I must tell you-you'll excuse me! that my niece suffers by the bargain; prudence, my lord, is a very fine thing. Lord M. So is a long neckcloth nicely twisted into a button hole, but I don't choose to wear one-you'll excuse me! Sir J. I wish that he who first changed long | neckcloths for such things as you wear, had the wearing of a twisted neckcloth that 1 would give him. Lord M. Pr'ythee, baronet, don't be so horridly out of the way; prudence is a very vulgar virtue, and so incompatible with our present ease and refinement, that a prudent man of fashion is now as great a miracle as a pale woman of quality: we got rid of our mauvaise honte, at the time that we imported our neighbour's rouge, and their morals. Sir J. Did you ever hear the like! I am not surprised, my lord, that you think so lightly, and talk so vainly, who are so polite a husband; your lady, my cousin, is a fine woman, and brought you a fine fortune, and deserves better usage. Lord M. Will you have her, Sir John? she is very much at your service. Sir J. Profligate! What did you marry her for, my lord? Lord M. Convenience-Marriage is not nowa-days, an affair of inclination, but convenience; and they who marry for love and such old-fashioned stuff, are to me as ridiculous as those that advertise for an agreeable companion in a post-chaise. Sir J. I have done, my lord; Miss Tittup shall either return with me into the country, or not a penny shall she have from Sir John Trotley, baronet. [Whistles and walks about. Miss T. I am frightened out of my wits! [LORD MINIKIN sings and sits down. Sir J. Pray, my lord, what husband is this you have provided for her? Lord M. A friend of mine; a man of wit, and a fine gentleman. Sir J. May be so, and yet make a damned husband for all that. You'll excuse me !What estate has he, pray? Lord M. He's a colonel; his elder brother, Sir Tan Tivy, will certainly break his neck, and then my friend will be a happy man. Sir J. Here's morals! a happy man, when his brother has broke his neck!-a happy man-mercy on me! Lord M. Why, he'll have six thousand a year, Sir John Sir J. I don't care what he'll have, nor I don't care what he is, nor who my niece marries; she is a fine lady, and let her have a fine gentleman; I sha'n't hinder her; I'll away into the country to-morrow, and leave you to your fine doings; I have no relish for 'em, not I; I can't live among you, nor eat with you, nor game with you: I hate cards and dice; I will neither rob nor be robbed; I am contented with what I have, and am very happy, my lord, though my brother has not broke his neck—you'll excuse me! [Exit. Lord M. Ha, ha, ha! Come, fox, come out of your hole! ha, ha, ha! Miss T. Indeed, my lord, you have undone me; not a foot shall I have of Trotley Manor, that's positive! but no matter, there's no danger of his breaking his neck, so I'll even make myself happy with what I have, and behave to him for the future, as if he was a poor relation. Lord M. [Kneeling, snatching her hand, and kissing it.] I must kneel and adore you for your spirit, my sweet, heavenly Lucretia ! Lord M. [Smiling, and mocking him.] You'll excuse me, Sir John! Sir J. O yes, my lord, but I'm afraid the devil wont excuse you at the proper time Miss Lucretia, how do you child? You are to be married soon-I wish the gentleman joy, Miss Lucretia; he is a happy man to be sure, and will want nothing but the breaking of his brother's neck to be completely so. Miss T. Upon my word, uncle, you are always putting bad constructions upon things; my lord has been soliciting me to marry his friend and having that moment-extorted a consent from me-he was thanking-and-and -wishing me joy,-in his foolish manner. [Hesitating. Sir. J. Is that all!--but how came you here, child? did you fly down the chimney, or in at the window? for I don't remember seeing you when I was here before. Miss T. How can you talk so, Sir John? You really confound me with your suspicions; and then you ask so many questions, and I have so many things to do, that-that-upon my word, if I don't make haste, I sha'n't get my dress ready for the ball, so I must runYou'll excuse me, uncle! [Exit, running. Sir J. A fine, hopeful, young lady that, my lord? Lord M. She's well bred, and has wit. Sir J. She has wit and breeding enough to laugh at her relations, and bestow favours on your lordship; but I must tell you plainly, my lord-you'll excuse me-that your marrying your lady, my cousin, to use her ill, and sending for my niece, your cousin, to debauch her, Lord M. You're warm, Sir John, and don't know the world, and I never contend with ignorance and passion; live with me some time, and you'll be satisfied of my honour and good intentions to you and your family; in the mean time, command my house; I must away immediately to Lady Filligree's-and I am sorry you wont make one with us-here, Jessamy, give me my domino, and call a chair; and don't let my uncle want for any thing; you'll excuse me, Sir John; tol, lol, de rol, &c. [Exit, singing. Sir J. The world's at an end!-here's fine work! here are precious doings! this lord is a pillar of the state too: no wonder that the building is in danger with such rotten supporters;-heigh ho!--and then my poor Lady Minikin, what a friend and husband she is blessed with!-let me consider!-should I tell the good woman of these pranks? I may only make more mischief, and may hap go near to kill her, for she's as tender as she's virtuous; poor lady! I'll e'en go and comfort her directly, and endeavour to draw her from the wickedness of this town into the country, where she shall have reading, fowling, and fishing, to keep up her spirits, and when I die, I will leave her that part of my fortune, with which I intended to reward the virtues of Miss Lucretia Tittup, with a plague to her! [Exit. SCENE III-LADY MINIKIN's Apartment. LADY MINIKIN and COLONEL TIVY discovered. think of coming home from the masquerade Lady M. Don't urge it, colonel; I can't this evening; though I should pass for my piece, it would make an uproar among my servants; and perhaps from the mistake break off your match with Tittup. Col. T. My dear Lady Minikin, you know my marriage with your niece is only a secondary consideration; my first and principal object is you—you, Madam!-therefore, my dear lady, give me your promise to leave the ball with fellow and a soldier as I am, ought not to be me; you must, Lady Minikin; a bold young kept from plunder when the town has capitu lated. Lady M. But it has not capitulated, and perhaps never will; however, colonel, since you are so furious, I must come to terms, I think. Keep your eyes upon me at the ball, I think I may expect that, and when I drop my handkerchief, 'tis your signal for pursuing; I shall get home as fast as I can, you may follow me as fast as you can; my lord and Tittup will be otherwise employed. Gymp will let us in the back way. No, no, my heart misgives me. Col. T. Then I am miserable! let. Lady M. Nay, rather than you should be miserable, colonel, I will indulge your martial spirit; meet me in the field; there's my gaunt[Throws down her glove. sweet challenge; and, if 1 fail you, may I Col. T. [Seizing it.] Thus I accept your hereafter, both in love and war, be branded with the name of coward. [Kneels and kisses her hand. Enter SIR JOHN, opening the door. Sir J. May I presume, cousin Lady M. Ha! [Squalls. Sir J. Mercy upon us, what are we at now? [Looks astonished. Lady M. How can you be so rude, Sir John, to come into a lady's room without first knocking at the door? you have frightened me out of my wits. Sir J. I am sure you have frightened me out of mine! Col. T. Such rudeness deserves death! Sir J. Death indeed! for I never shall recover myself again. All pigs of the same stye! all studying for the good of the nation! Lady M. We must soothe him, and not provoke him. [Half aside to the COL. Col. T. I would cut his throat, if you'd permit me. [Aside to LADY MINIKIN. Sir J. The devil has got his hoof in the house, and has corrupted the whole family; I'll get out of it as fast as I can, lest he should lay hold of me too. [Going. Lady M. Sir John, I must insist upon your not going away in a mistake. Sir J. No mistake, my lady, I am thoroughly convinced-mercy on me! Lady M. I must beg you, Sir John, not to make any wrong constructions upon this accident; you must know, that the moment you was at the door-I had promised the colonel no longer to be his enemy in his designs upon Miss Tittup,-this threw him into such a rapture,-that upon my promising my interest with you-and wishing him joy-he fell upon his knees, and-and-[Laughing.] ha, ha, ha! Col. T. Ha, ha, ha! yes, yes, I fell upon my knees, and-and Sir J. Ay, ay, fell upon your knees, and and-ha, ha! a very good joke, faith; and the best of it is, that they are wishing joy all over the house upon the same occasion: and my lord is wishing joy; and I wish him joy, and you, with all my heart. of the place better than I do; I was always reckoned an incomparable mask. am sure. Sir J. Thou art an incomparable coxcomb, I [Aside. Jes. An odd, ridiculous accident happened to me at a masquerade three years ago; I was in tip-top spirits, and had drank a little too freely of the Champagne, I believe, Sir J. You'll be hanged, I believe. [Aside. the pleasure, we went to dancing; and who Lady M. Upon my word, Sir John, your cruel suspicions affect me strongly; and though my resentment is curbed by my regard, my tears cannot be restrained; 'tis the only resource my innocence has left. [Exit, crying.at last, from drinking and rattling, to vary Col. T. I reverence you, Sir, as a relation to that lady, but as her slanderer I detest you: her tears must be dried, and my honour satisfied; you know what I mean; take your choice; -time, place, sword, or pistol; consider it calmly, and determine as you please. I am a soldier, Sir John. [Exit. Sir J. Very fine, truly! and so, between the crocodile and the bully, my throat is to be cut; they are guilty of all sorts of iniquity, and when they are discovered, no humility, no repentance!-the ladies have recourse to their tongues or their tears, and the gallants to their swords. That I may not be drawn in by the one, or drawn upon by the other, I'll hurry into the country while I retain my senses, and can sleep in a whole skin. [Exit. ACT II. SCENE I. Enter SIR JOHN and JESSAMY. Sir J. There is no bearing this! what a land are we in! upon my word, Mr. Jessamy, you should look well to the house, there are certainly rogues about it; for I did but cross the way just now to the pamphlet-shop, to buy a Touch of the Times, and they have taken my hanger from my side; ay, and had a pluck at my watch too; but I heard of their tricks, and had it sewed to my pocket. Jes. Don't be alarmed, Sir John; 'tis a very common thing, and if you walk the streets without convoy, you will be picked up by privateers of all kinds; ha, ha! Sir J. Not be alarmed when I am robbed! -why, they might have cut my throat with my own hanger! I sha'n't sleep a wink all night; so pray lend me some weapon of defence, for I am sure, if they attack me in the open street, they'll be with me at night again. Jes. I'll lend you my own sword, Sir John; be assured there's no danger; there's robbing and murder cried every night under my window; but it no more disturbs me, than the ticking of my watch at my bed's head. Sir J. Well, well, be that as it will, I must be upon my guard. What a dreadful place is this but 'tis all owing to the corruption of the times; the great folks game, and the poor folks rob; no wonder that murder ensues; sad, sad, sad!-well, let me but get over to-night, and I'll leave this den of thieves to-morrow-how long will your lord and lady stay at this masking and mummery before they come home? Jes. 'Tis impossible to say the time, Sir; that merely depends upon the spirits of the company and the nature of the entertainment; for my own part, I generally make it myself till four or five in the morning. Sir J. Why, what the devil! do you make one at these masqueradings? Jes. I seldom miss, Sir; I may venture to say that nobody knows the trim and small talk Sir J. Danced a minuet with! [Half aside. Jes. My own lady, that's all; the eyes of the whole assembly were upon us; my lady dances well; and I believe I am pretty tolerable: after the dance, I was running into a little coquetry and small talk with her. Sir J. With your lady? Chaos is come again. [Aside. Jes. With my lady-but upon my turning my hand thus [Conceitedly.]-egad, she caught me, whispered me who I was; I would fain have laughed her out of it, but it would not do;no, no, Jessamy, says she, I am not to be deceived: pray wear gloves for the future; for you may as well go bare-faced, as show that hand and diamond ring. Sir J. What a sink of iniquity!-Prostitution on all sides! from the lord to the pickpocket. [Aside.] Pray, Mr. Jessamy, among your other virtues, I suppose you game a little, eh, Mr. Jessamy? Jes. A little whist or so; but I am tied up from the dice; I must never touch a box again. Sir J. I wish you was tied up somewhere else. [Aside.] I sweat from top to toe! Pray, lend me your sword, Mr. Jessamy; I shall go to my room; and let my lord and lady, and my niece Tittup, know, that I beg they will excuse ceremonies; that I must be up and gone before they go to bed; that I have a most profound respect and love for them, and-andthat I hope we shall never see one another again as long as we live. Jes. I shall certainly obey your commands-' what poor, ignorant wretches these country gentlemen are! [Aside, and exit. Sir J. If I stay in this place another day, it would throw me into a fever!--Oh!-I wish it was morning! this comes of visiting my rela tions! Enter DAVY, drunk. So, you wicked wretch you-where have you been, and what have you been doing? Davy. Merry-making, your honour.-London for ever! Sir J. Did I not order you to come directly from the play, and not be idling and raking about? Davy. Servants don't do what they are bid, in London. Sir J. And did I not order you not to make a jackanapes of yourself, and tie your hair up like a monkey? Davy. And therefore I did it-no pleasing the ladies without this-my lord's servants call you an old out-of-fashioned codger, and have taught me what's what. |