Win. Death and fire! what could put it into | stage-player! wounds! you'll not have an eye the villain's head to turn buffoon? Gar. Nothing so easily accounted for: why, when he ought to be reading the Dispensatory, there was he constantly reading over plays, and farces, and Shakspeare. Win. Ay, that damned Shakspeare! I hear the fellow was nothing but a deer-stealer in Warwickshire. I never read Shakspeare. Wounds! I caught the rascal myself reading that nonsensical play of Hamlet, where the prince is keeping company with strollers and vagabonds. A tine example, Mr. Gargle. Gar. His disorder is of the malignant kind, and my daughter has taken the infection from him. Bless my heart!-she was as innocent as water-gruel, till he spoiled her. I found her the other night in the very fact. Win. Zookers! you don't say so? caught her in the fact? Gar. Ay, in the very fact of reading a playbook in bed. Win. Oh, is that the fact you mean? Is that all? though that's bad enough. Gar. But I have done for my young madam; I have confined her to her room, and locked up all her books. Win. Look ye, friend Gargle, I'll never see the villain's face. Let him follow his nose, and bite the bridle. Gar. Sir, I have found out that he went three times a week to a spouting club. Win. A spouting club, friend Gargle! what's a spouting club? Gar. A meeting of 'prentices, and clerks, and giddy young men, intoxicated with plays; and so they meet in public-houses to act speeches; there they all neglect business, despise the advice of their friends, and think of nothing but to become actors. Wia. You don't say so? a spouting club! wounds, I believe they are all mad. Gar. Ay, mad indeed, Sir: madness is occasioned in a very extraordinary manner; the spirits flowing in particular channels Win. 'Sdeath, you're as mad yourself as any of them. Gar. And continuing to run in the same ducts Win. Ducks! damn your ducks! Who's below there? Tell that fellow to come up. Gar. Dear Sir, be a little cool-inflammatories may be dangerous.-Do pray, Sir, moderate your passions. Win. Prythee be quiet, man; I'll try what I can do. Here he comes. Enter DICK. Dick. Now, my good father, what's the matter? Win. So, friend, you have been upon your travels, have you? you have had your frolic? Look ye, young man, I'll not put myself in a passion. But, death and fire, you scoundrel, what right have you to plague me in this manner? do you think I must fall in love with your face, because I am your father? Dick. A little more than kin, and less than kind. [Aside. Win. Ha, ha! what a pretty figure you cut now! Ha, ha! why don't you speak, you blockhead? have you nothing to say for your in your head in a month; ha, ha! you'll have 'em knocked out of the sockets with withered apples-remember, I tell you so. Dick. A critic too! [Whistles.] Well done, old Squaretoes. Win. Look ye, young man, take notice of what I say: I made my own fortune, and I could do the same again. Wounds! if I were placed at the bottom of Chancery-lane, with a brush and black-ball, I'd make my own fortune again. You read Shakspeare! get Cocker's Arithmetic; you may buy it for a shilling on any stall-best book that ever was wrote. Dick. Pretty well, that; ingenious, faith! 'Egad, the old fellow has a pretty notion of letters. [Aside. Win. Can you tell how much is five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound? Five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound. Ay, ay, I see you're a blockhead. Look ye, young man, if you have a mind to thrive in this world, study figures, and make yourself useful-make yourself useful. Dick. How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable, seem to me all the uses of this world! [Aside. Win. Mind the scoundrel now. Gar. Do, Mr. Wingate, let me speak to him -softly, softly-I'll touch him gently.-Come, come, young man, lay aside this sulky humour, and speak as becomes a son. Dick. O, Jephtha, judge of Israel, what a treasure hadst thou! Win. What does the fellow say? Gar. He relents, Sir. Come, come, young man, he'll forgive. Dick. They fool me to the top of my bent. 'Gad, I'll hum 'em, to get rid of'em--a truant disposition, good my lord. No, no, stay, that's not right-I have a better speech. [Aside.] It is as you say when we are sober, and reflect but ever so little on our follies, we are ashamed and sorry and yet, the very next minute, we rush again into the very same absurdities. Win. Well said, lad, well said-Mind me, friend; commanding our own passions, and artfully taking advantage of other people's, is the sure road to wealth. Death and fire!but I won't put myself in a passion. "Tis my regard for you makes me speak; and if I tell you you're a scoundrel, 'tis for your good. Dick. Without doubt, Sir. [Stifling a laugh. Win. If you want any thing, you shall be provided. Have you any money in your pocket? Ha! ha! what a ridiculous numskull you are now! ha! ha! Come, here's some money for you. [Pulls out his money and locks at it. I'll give it to you another time; and so you'll mind what I say to you, and make yourself useful for the future. Dick. Else, wherefore breathe I in a Christian land? Win. Zookers! you blockhead, you'd better stick to your business, than turn buffoon, and get truncheons broke upon your arm, and be tumbling upon carpets. Dick. I shall in all my best obey you, daddy. Win. Very well, friend-very well saidyou may do very well if you please; and so I'll say no more to you, but make yourself useful; and so now go and clean yourself, and make ready to go home to your business [Aside.and mind me, young man, let me see no more Win. Mind me, friend, I bave found you play-books, and let me never find that you out; I see you'll never come to good. Turn wear a laced waistcoat-you scoundrel, what self? Dick. Nothing to say for yourself. What an old prig it is. right have you to wear a laced waistcoat?—I | I must be cruel, only to be kind; Win. Ay, Cocker's Arithmetic-study fig- Gar. Ay, Sir, you know the world.-The young man will do very well-I wish he were out of his time; he shall then have my daughter. Win. Yes, but I'll touch the cash-he shan't finger it during my life.-I must keep a tight hand over him-[Goes to the door.-Do ye hear, friend?--Mind what I say, and go home to your business immediately.-Friend Gargle, I'll make a man of him. Re-enter DICK. Dick. Who called on Achmet? Did not Barbarossa require me here? Dick. Ay, but I can easily force the lockyou shall see me do it as well as any Sir John Brute of 'em all-this right leg Sim. Lord love you, master, that's not your right leg. Dick. Pho! you fool, don't you know I'm drunk? this right leg here is the best locksmith in England; so, so. [Forces the door and goes in. Sim. He's at his plays again; odds my heart, he's a rare hand, he'll go through with it, I'll warrant him. Old Codger_must not smoke that I have any concern-I must be main cautious. Lord bless his heart, he's to teach me to act Scrub. He begun with me long ago, and I got as far as the Jesuit before a went out of town:-Scrub-coming, SirLord, ma'am, I've a whole packet full of news; some say one thing, and some say another; but, for my part, ma'am, I believe he's a Jesuit-that's main pleasant-I believe he's a Jesuit. Re-enter DICK. Dick. I have done the deed;-didst thou not hear a noise? Sim. No, master; we're all snug.. Win. What's the matter now?-Barossa!-bilked the old fellow nicely. In a dark corner Wounds! What's Barossa?-Does the fellow call me names?-What makes the blockhead stand in such confusion? Dick. That Barbarossa should suspect my truth! room. Win. The fellow's stark, staring mad-get out of the room, you villain, get out of the [DICK stands in a sullen mood. | Gar. Come, come, young man, every thing is easy; don't spoil all again--go and change your dress, and come home to your business. Nay, nay, be ruled by me. [Thrusts him off. Win. I'm very peremptory, friend Gargle; if he vexes me once more, I'll have nothing to say to him. Well, but now I think of it, have Cocker's Arithmetic below stairs in the counting-house-I'll step and get it for him, and so he shall take it home with him. Friend Gargle, your servant. Gar. Mr. Wingate, a good evening to you. You'll send him home to his business? Win. He shall follow you home directly. Five-eighths of three-sixteenths of a pound! -multiply the numerator by the denominator! five times sixteen is ten times eight, ten times eight is eighty, and-a-a-carry one. [Exit. Re-enter DICK and SIMON. of his cabinet, I found this paper; what it is Sim. O, lud! dear, Sir, you'll spoil all. I Sim. O, lud! it will be main pleasant; I have been behind the screens in the country. Dick. Have you, where? Sim. Why, when I lived with the man that showed wild beastices. Dick. Hark ye, Simon, when I am playing some deep tragedy, and cleave the general ear with horrid speech, you must take out your white pocket handkerchief and cry bitterly. [Teaches him. Sim. But I haven't got a white pocket hand Dick. Then I'll lend you mine. Sim. Lord love ye, master-I'm so gladkerchief. you're come back-come, we had as good e'en gang home to my master Gargle's. Dick. No, no, Simon, stay a moment-this is but a scurvy coat I have on, and I know my father has always some jemmy thing locked up in his closet-I know his ways-he takes 'em in pawn; for he'll never part with a shilling without security. Sim. Hush! he'll hear us-stay, I believe he's coming up stairs. Dick. [Goes to the door, and listens.] No, no, no, he's going down, growling and grumbling -ay, say ye so?- Scoundrel, rascal, let him bite the bridle.-Six times twelve is seventytwo.'-All's safe, man; never fear him. Do you stand here-I shall despatch this business in a crack. Sim. Blessings on him! what is he about now? Why, the door is locked, master. [Pulls out a ragged one, Sim. Thank ye, Sir. Dick. And when I am playing comedy, you must be ready to laugh your guts out, [Teaches -Toll-dehim.] for I shall be very pleasantroll. [Dances. Sim. Never doubt me, Sir. Dick. Very well; now run down and open the street door; I'll follow you in a crack. Sim. I'm gone to serve you, master. Dick. To serve thyself-for, look ye, Simon, when I am manager, claim thou of me the care o' the wardrobe, with all those moveables, whereof the property-man now stands possessed. Sim. O, lud! this is charming-hush! I am [Going. Dick. Well, but hark ye, Simon, come gone. hither-what money have you about you, see me give a touch of Othollo, my dear. Master Matthew? Sim. But a tester, Sir. Dick. A tester! that's something of the least, Sim. You have had fifteen sixpences now. - [Takes the cork, burns it, and blacks his face.] The devil burn the cork, it would not do it fast enough. 1 Mem. Here, here, I'll lend you a helping hand. [Blacks him; knocking at the door. Pres. Open locks, whoever knocks. Enter DICK. Dick. How now, ye secret, black, and midnight hags? What is't ye do? How fare the honest partners of my heart? What bloody scene has Roscius now to act? Arrah, my dear cousin Mackshane, won't you put a remembrance on me? Irish. Ow! but is it mocking you are? Look ye, my dear, if you'd be taking me off-don't you call it taking off?-by my shoul, I'd be making you take yourself off. What, if you're for being obstroporous, I would not matter you three skips of a flea. Dick. Nay, pr'y thee, no offence, I hope we shall be brother-players. Sim. I don't doubt that, master-but mum. [Exit. Dick. Thus far we run before the wind. An apothecary!—make an apothecary of mewhat, cramp my genius over a pestle and mortar, or mew me up in a shop, with an alligator stuffed, and a beggarly account of empty boxes!to be culling simples, and constantly adding to the bills of mortality!- No, no! it will be much better to be pasted up in capitals -The part of Romeo by a young gentleman who never appeared on any stage before!-My ambition fires at the thought. But hold, mayn't I run some chance of failing in my attempt;-hissed, pelted, laughed at, not admitted into the Green-room.-That will never do -Down, busy devil, down, down. Try it again. Loved by the women, envied by the men, applauded by the pit, clapped by the gal- Dick. What do you intend to appear in? lery, admired by the boxes.-"Dear colonel, Irish. Othollo, my dear; let me alone; you'll is not he a charming creature?"-"My see how I'll bodder 'em; though by my shoul, lord, don't you like him of all things?”— myself does not know but I'll be frightened "Makes love like an angel!"-" What an eye when every thing is in a hub-bub, and nothing he has!" Fine legs!"-" I'll certainly go to be heard, but "Throw him over:" "Over to his benefit."-Celestial sounds! -And with him :"" Off, off, off the stage:" "Music." then I'll get in with all the painters, and have Ow! but may be the dear craturs in the boxes myself put up in every print-shop-in the cha-will be lucking at my legs, ow! to be sure, racter of Macbeth! This is a sorry sight." the devil burn the luck they'll give 'em. [Stands in an attitude.] In the character of Dick. I shall certainly laugh in the fellow's Richard" Give me another horse; bind up my wounds."This will do rarely-And then I have a chance of getting well married O, glorious thought!-By heaven I will enjoy it, though but in fancy. But what's o'clock it must be almost nine. I'll away at once this is club-night.-'Egad, I'll go to them for awhile.-The spouters are all metlittle they think I'm in town-they'll be surprised to see me.-Off I go, and then for my assignation with my Master Gargle's daughter-poor Charlotte!-she's locked up, but I shall find means to settle matters for her escape; she's a pretty theatrical genius.-If she flies to my arms like a hawk to its perch, it will be so rare an adventure, and so dramatic an incident. Limbs! do your office, and support me well; Irish. Ow! then we'd be very good friends; for you know two of a trade can never agree, my dear. face. [Aside. Scots. Stay till you hear me gi'e a speecimen of elocution. Dick. What, with that impediment, Sir? Scots. Impeediment! what impeediment? I do not leesp, do 1? I do not squeent; I am well leemed, am I not? Irish. By my shoul, if you go to that, I am as well timbered myself as any of them, and shall make a figure in genteel and top comedy. Scots. I'll give you a speecimen of Mockbeeth. Irish. Make haste then, and I'll begin Othollo. Scots. Is this a dagger that I see before me, &c. Irish. [Collaring him.] William, be sure you prove my love a whore, &c. [Another MEMBER comes forward, with his face powdered, and a pipe in his hand. Mem. I am thy father's spirit, HamletIrish. You are my father's spirit? My mother was a better man than ever you was. Dick. Pho! pr'ythee! you are not fat enough for a ghost. Mem. I intend to make my first appearance in it for all that; only I'm puzzled about one thing, I want to know, when I come on first, whether I should make a bow to the andience? Watch. [Behind the scenes.] Past five o'clock, cloudy morning. Dick. Hey! past five o'clock; 'sdeath, shall miss my appointment with Charlotte; I have staid too long, and shall lose my proselyte. Come, let us adjourn. We'll scower the watch; confusion to morality; I wish the constable were married,-Huzza! huzza! | All. Huzza, huzza! [Exeunt. SCENE II-A Street. [ACT II. taken; do, for heaven's sake, let us make our escape. Dick. Yes, my dear Charlotte, we will go Enter DICK, with a lantern and ladder. Dick. All's quiet here; the coast's clear-together; now for my adventure with Charlotte; this ladder will do rarely for the business, though it would be better if it were a ladder of ropes CHARLOTTE appears at a window. Char. Hush! not so loud; you'll waken my eye Char. Nay, but pr'ythee now: I tell you, you'll spoil all. What made you stay so long? Dick. Chide not, my fair; but let the god of love laugh in thy eyes, and revel in thy heart. Char. As I am a living soul, you'll ruin every thing; be but quiet, and I'll come down Dick. No, no, not so fast; Charlotte, let us [Going. act the garden scene first to you. Char. A fiddlestick for the garden scene. Dick. Nay, then, I'll act Ranger; up I go, neck or nothing. Char. Dear heart, you're enough to frighten a body out of one's wits. Don't come up; tell you there's no occasion for the ladder. I have settled every thing with Simon, and he's to let me through the shop, when he opens it. Dick. Well, but I tell you I would not give a farthing for it without the ladder, and so up I go; if it was as high as the garret, up I go. Enter SIMON, at the door. Sim. Sir, Sir; Madam, MadamDick. Pr'ythee be quiet, Simon, I am ascending the high top-gallant of my joy. Sim. An't please you, master, my young mistress may come through the shop; I am going to sweep it out, and she may escape that way fast enow. Char. That will do purely; and so do you stay where you are, and prepare to receive Sim. Master, leave that there, to save me [Exit from above. from being respected. me. Dick. With all my heart, Simon. Enter CHARLOTTE. Char. O, lud! I'm frightened out of my wits; feel with what a pit-a-pat action my heart beats. Dick. 'Tis an alarm to love; quick, let me snatch thee to thy Romeo's arms, &c. Watch. [Behind the scenes.] Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morning. Dick. Is that the raven's voice I hear? Together to the theatre we'll go, And point new beauties-to the pit below. [Exit into the house, and shuts the door. Enter a WATCHMAN. Watch. Past six o'clock, and a cloudy morning-Hey-day! what's here? A ladder at Master Gargle's window! I must alarm the family-Ho! Master Gargle! Gar. [Above.] What's the matter? How [Knocks at the door. comes this window to be open? Ha! a ladder! Who's below there? Watch. I hope you an't robbed, Master Gargle? As I was going my rounds, I found your window tricks. Take away the ladder; I must inquire Re-enter SIMON, like Scrub. [Exit. Sim. Thieves! murder! thieves! popery! Watch. What, are there thieves in the house? Watch. Nay, then 'tis time for me to go. Enter GARGLE. [Exit. she's gone!-my daughter, my daughter!- Sim. Down on your knees, down on your Enter WINGATE. see-nothing like rising early-nothing to be daughter! Win. Your daughter! what signifies a foolish girl? Gar. Oh dear heart! dear heart!-out of the window. Win. Fallen out of the window!-well, she was a woman, and 'tis no matter-if she's dead, she's provided for. Here, I found the book-could not meet with it last night.it that scoundrel of a fellow. Here, friend Gargle, take the book, and give Gar. Lord, Sir, he's returned to his tricks. Win. Returned to his tricks!-what,-broke loose again? Gar. Ay, and carried off my daughter with him. Win. Carried off your daughter-how did | it is to have a genius-ha! ha!-a genius! ha! the rascal contrive that? ha!-a genius is a fine thing indeed!-ha! ha! Gar. Oh, dear Sir,-the watch alarmed us awhile ago, and I found a ladder at the window-so I suppose my young Madam made ber escape that way. Win. I'll never see the fellow's face. Wis. What, are you in the secret, friend? Sim. To be sure, there be secrets in all families-but, for my part, I'll not speak a word pro or con, till there's a peace. Win. You won't speak, Sirrah!-I'll make you speak-do you know nothing of this, numscull? Sim. Who I, Sir?-he came home last night from your house, and went out again directly. Win. You saw him then Sim. Yes, Sir,-saw him to be sure, Sirhe made me open the shop-door for him-he stopped on the threshold, and pointed at one of the clouds, and asked me if it was not like an ouzel? Win. Like an ouzel-wounds! what's an ouzel? Gar. And the young dog came back in the dead of night, to steal away my daughter. Enter a PORter. Win. Who are you, pray?what do you want? Por. Is one Mr. Gargle here? Gar. Yes-who wants him? Por. Here's a letter for you. Gar. Let me see it. Oh dear [Reads. "To Mr. Gargle, at the Pestle and Mortar slidikins, this is a letter from that unfortunate young fellow. [Exit. Gar. Poor man! he has certainly a fever on his spirits-do you step in with me, honest man, till I slip on my coat, and then I'll go after this unfortunate boy. Por. Yes, Sir,-'tis in Gray's Inn-lane. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-Spunging House. DICK and BAILIFF at a table, and CHARLOTTE sitting in a disconsolate manner by him. tleman-don't be uneasy-the debt is not much Bail. Here's my service to you, young genwhy do you look so sad? just and dear diversion. Dick. Because captivity has robbed me of a Bail. Never look sulky at me-I never use man's lot-here's my service to you-but any body ill-come, it has been many a good we've no liquor-come, we'll have t'other bowl. Dick. I've now not fifty ducats in the world yet still I am in love, and pleased with ruin. Bail. What do you say?-you've fifty shillings, I hope. Dick. Now, thank heaven! I'm not worth a groat. Bail. Then there's no credit here, I can tell you that you must get bail, or go to Newgate -who do you think is to pay house-rent for heart!-you?-Such poverty-struck devils as you shan't stay in my house you shall go to quod, I can tell you that. [Knocking at the door. Coming, coming, I am coming-I shall lodge you in Newgate, I promise you, before night, -not worth a groat!-you're a fine fellow to stay in a man's house-you shall go to quod. [Reads. Win. Let me see it, Gargle. "To Mr. Gargle, &c. "Most potent, grave, and reverend doctor, my very noble and approved good master, that I hare ta'en away your daughter it is most true, true I will marry her; 'tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis, 'tis, true."-What in the name of common sense is all this? "I have done your shop some service, and you know it; no more of that -yet I could wish, that at this time I had not been this thing"-what can the fellow mean? -“ for time may have yet one fated hour to come, which, winged with liberty, may overtake occasion past."-Overtake occasion past!-no, no, time and tide wait for no man-"I expect redress from thy noble sorrows-thine and my poor country's ever, "R. WINGATE." Mad as a March hare! I have done with him-let him stay till the shoe pinches, a crack-brained numscull! [Exit. Dick. Come, clear up, Charlotte, never mind this-come, now-let us act the prison-scene in the Mourning Bride. Char. How can you think of acting speeches, when we're in such distress? Dick. Nay, but my dear angel Enter WINGATE and GARgle. Come, now we'll practise an attitude-how many of 'em have you? Char. Let me see,-one-two-three-and then in the fourth act, and then-O gemini, I have ten at least. Dick. That will do swimmingly-I've a round dozen myself-come, now begin-you fancy me dead, and I think the same of younow mind. [They stand in attitudes. Win. Only mind the villain. Dick. thou soft fleeting form of Lindami Por. An't please ye, Sir, I fancies the gentleman is a little beside himself-he took hold un me here by the collar, and called me villain, and bid me prove his wife a whore-ra! Lord help him, I never see'd the gentleman's spouse in my born days before. Gar. Is she with him now? Por. I believe so there's a likely young woman with him, all in tears. Gar. My daughter, to be sure. Gar. Do, my dear Sir, let us step to him. Char. Illusive shade of my beloved lord! Dick. She lives, she speaks, and we shall still be happy: Win. You lie, you villain, you shan't be happy. [Knocks him down. Dick. [On the ground.] Perdition catch your arm, the chance is thine. Gar. So, my young Madam-I have found you again. Dick. Capulet, forbear; Paris, let loose your hold-she is my wife our hearts are twined together. Win. Sirrah! villain! I'll break every bone in your body. [Strikes him. |