Mrs. H. And how did you conduct yourself in this dilemma ? Miss S. I returned with her, and could hear a man's voice, though nothing that they said distinctly; and you may depend upon it, that Sir John is now in that room, that they have settled the matter, and will run away together before the morning, if we don't prevent them. Mrs. H. Why, the brazen slut! she has got her sister's husband (that is to be) locked up in her chamber! at night too!-I tremble at the thoughts! Miss S. Hush, Madam! I hear something? Mrs. H. You frighten me-let ne put on my fly-cap-I would not be seen in this figur for the world. Miss S. 'Tis dark, Madam; you can't be seen. Mrs. H. I protest there's a candle coming, and a man too! Miss S. Nothing but servants; let us retire a moment! [They retire. Enter BRUSH, half drunk, laying hold of the CHAMBERMAID, who has a candle in her hand. Cham. Be quiet, Mr. Brush; I shall drop down with terror! Brush. But my sweet and most amiable chambermaid, if you have no love, you may hearken to a little reason; that cannot possibly do your virtue any harm. Cham. But you may do me harm, Mr. Brush, and a great deal of harm too; pray let me go: I am ruined if they hear you; I tremble like an asp. Brush. But they sha'n't hear us; and if you have a mind to be ruined, it shall be the making of your fortune, you little slut, you! therefore, I say it again, if you have no love, hear a little reason! Cham. I wonder at your impurence, Mr. Brush, to use me in this manner; this is not the way to keep me company, I assure you. You are a town-rake, I see, and now you are a little in liquor, you fear nothing. Brush. Nothing, by Heavens! but your frowns, most amiable chambermaid; I am a little electrified, that's the truth on't; I am not used to drink port, and your master's is so heady, that a pint of it oversets a claret drinker. Come now, my dear little spider-brusher! Cham. Don't be rude! bless me! I shall be ruined-what will become of me? Brush. I'll take care of you, by all that's honourable. Cham. You are a base man to use me soI'll cry out, if you don't let me go. This is Miss Sterling's chamber, that Miss Fanny's, and that Madam Heidelberg's. Brush. We know all that. And that Lord Ogleby's, and that my lady What-d'ye-callem's: I don't mind such folks when I'm sober, much less when I am whimsical-rather above that, too. Cham. More shame for you, Mr. Brush! you terrify me--you have no modesty. Brush. O, but I have, my sweet spiderbrusher for instance, I reverence Miss Fanny -she's a most delicious morsel, and fit for a prince. With all my horrors of matrimony, I could marry her myself-but for her sisterMiss S. [Within.] There, there, Madam, all in a story! Cham. Law! law! how you blaspheme! we shall have the house upon our heads for it. Brush. No, no, it will last our time; but, as I was saying, the eldest sister-Miss JezebelCham. Is a fine young lady, for all your evil tongue. Brush, No-we have smoked her already; and unless she marries our old Swiss, she can have none of us. No, no, she wont do—we are a little too nice. Cham. You're a monstrous rake, Mr. Brush, and don't care what you say. Brush. Why, for that matter, my dear, I am a little inclined to mischief; and if you don't have pity upon me, I will break open that door, and ravish Mrs. Heidelberg, Mrs. H. [Coming forward.] There's no bearing this-you profligate monster! Chum. Ha! I am undone ! Brush. Zounds! here she is, by all that's monstrous. [Runs of Miss S. A fine discourse you have had with that fellow. Mrs. H. And a fine time of night it is to be here with that drunken monster. Miss S. What have you to say for yourself? Cham. I can say nothing-I'm so frightened, and so ashamed. But indeed I am vartuousI am vartuous, indeed. Mrs. H. Well, well-don't tremble so; but tell us what you know of this horrable plot here. all. Miss S. We'll forgive you, if you'll discover Cham. Why, Madam, don't let me betray my fellow-servants-1 sha'n't sleep in my bed, if I do. Mrs. I. Then you shall sleep somewhere else to-morrow night. Chum. O dear! what shall I do? Mrs. H. Tell us this moment, or I'll turn you out of doors directly. Cham. Why, our butler has been treating us below in his pantry-Mr. Brush forced us to make a kind of a holiday night of it. Miss S. Holiday! for what? Cham. Nay, I only made one. Miss S. Well, well; but upon what account? Cham. Because, as how, Madam, there was a change in the family, they said that his honour, Sir John, was to marry Miss Fanny instead of your ladyship. Miss S. And so you make a holiday for that -Very fine! Cham. I did not make it, Ma'am. Mrs. H. But do you know nothing of Sir John's being to run away with Miss Fanny tonight? Chum. No, indeed, Ma'am. Miss S. Nor of his being now locked up in my sister's chamber? Cham. No, as I hope for marcy, Ma'am. Mrs. H. Well, I'll put an end to all this directly-do you run to my brother SterlingCham. Now, Ma'am? 'Tis so very late, Ma'am Mrs. H. I don't care how late it is. Tell him there are thieves in the house-that the house is on fire-tell him to come here imme Char. Bless me, Mr. Brush! I heard some-diately-Go, I say. thing! Brush. Rats, I suppose, that are gnawing the old timbers of this execrable old dungeon Cham. I will, I will, though I'm frightened out of my wits. [Exit. Mrs. H. Do you watch here, my dear; and vately-let me alone! I'll make him marry her to-morrow morning. I'll put myself in order to face them. We'll plot 'em, and counterplot 'em too. [Exit into her chamber. Miss S. Make him marry her! this is beyond Miss S. I have as much pleasure in this re- all patience!-You have thrown away all your venge, as in being made a countess. Ha! they affection, and I shall do as much by my obeare unlocking the door. Now for it! [Retires.dience; unnatural fathers make unnatural FANNY's door is unlocked, and BETTY comes out. MISS STERLING approuches her. Bet. [Calling within.] Sir, sir! now's your time-all's clear. [Seeing MISS STERLING.] Stay, stay-not yet-we are watched. Miss S. And so you are, Madam Betty. [MISS STERLING lays hold of her, while BETTY locks the door, and puts the key into her pocket. Bet. [Turning round.] What's the matter, Madam? Miss S. Nay, that you shall tell my father and aunt, Madam. Bet. I am no tell-tale, Madam, and no thief; they'll get nothing from me. [Aside. Miss S. You have a great deal of courage, Betty, and, considering the secrets you have to keep, you have occasion for it. Bet. My mistress shall never repent her good opinion of me, Ma'am. Enter STERLING. Ster. What's all this? What's the matter? Why am I disturbed in this manner? Miss S. This creature, and my distresses, Sir, will explain the matter. Re-enter MRS. HEIDELBERG, with another Mrs. H. Now I'm prepared for the rancounter. Well, brother, have you heard of this scene of wickedness? -- Ster. Not I-but what is it? speak. I was got into my little closet, all the lawyers were in bed, and I had almost lost my senses in the confusion of Lord Ogleby's mortgages, when I was alarmed with a foolish girl, who could hardly speak; and whether it's fire, or thieves, or a rape, I'm quite in the dark. Mrs. H. No, no, there's no rape, brother!all parties are willing, I believe. Miss S. Who's in that chamber? [Detaining BETTY, who seems to be stealing away. Bet. My mistress. Miss S. And who's with your mistress? Miss S. Open the door then, and let us see. Bet. The door is open, Madam. [MISS STERLING goes to the door.] I'll sooner die than peach. [Exit, hastily. Miss S. The door is locked; and she has got the key in her pocket. Mrs. H. There's impudence, brother! piping hot from your daughter Fanny's school! Ster. But zounds! what is all this about? You tell me of a sum total, and you don't produce the particulars. Mrs. H. Sir John Melvil is locked up in your daughter's bed-chamber. There is the particular. Ster. The devil he is!-That's bad. children. My revenge is in my own pow, and I'll indulge it. Had they made their escape, I should have been exposed to the derision of the world: but the deriders shal be derided; and so- - Help, help, there! Thieves, thieves! Mrs. H. Tit-for-tat, Betsy! you are right, my girl. Ster. Zounds! you'll spoil all-you'll raise the whole family-The devil's in the girl. Mrs. H. No, no; the devil's in you, brother; I am ashamed of your principles.-What! would you connive at your daughter's being locked up with her sister's husband? Help! Thieves! thieves, I say! [Cries out. Ster. Sister, I beg of you!-daughter, I beg of you! If you have no regard for me, consider yourselves!-we shall lose this opportunity of ennobling our blood and getting above twenty per cent, for our money. Miss S. What, by my disgrace and my si5ter's triumph? I have a spirit above such mean considerations: and to show you that it is not a low-bred, vulgar, 'Change-alley spiritHelp, help! Thieves, thieves, I say! Ster. Ay, ay, you may save your lungs. the house is in an uproar. Enter CANTON in a night-gown and slippers. Can. Eh, diable! vat is de raison of dis great noise, dis tintamarre? Ster. Ask those ladies, Sir; 'tis of their making. Lord O. [Calls within.] Brush! Brush! Canton! Where are you? What's the matter? Rings a bell.] Where are you? Ster. 'Tis my lord calls, Mr. Canton. Can. I com, mi lor! [Erit. Flow. [Calls within.] A light! a light here! -where are the servants? Bring a light for me and my brothers. Ster. Lights here! lights for the gentlemen! [Exit. Mrs. H. My brother feels, I see your sister's turn will come next. Miss S. Ay, ay, let it go round, Madam, it is the only comfort I have left. Re-enter STERLING, with lights, before SERGEANT FLOWER, with one boot and a slipper, and TRAVERSE. Ster. This way, Sir! this way, gentlemen! Flow. Well but, Mr Sterling, no danger, I hope? Have they made a burglarious entry? Are you prepared to repulse them? I am very much alarmed about thieves, at circuit time. They would be particularly severe with us gentlemen of the bar. Trav. No danger, Mr. Sterling-no trespass, I hope? Ster. None, gentlemen, but of those ladies' making. Mrs. H. You'll be ashamed to know, ger Miss S. And he has been there some time, tlemen, that all your labours and studies too. Ster. Ditto ! Mrs. H. Ditto! worse and worse, I say. I'll raise the house, and expose him to my lord, and the whole fammaly. Ster. By no means! we shall expose ourselves, sister!-The best way is to insure pri about this young lady are thrown away-Sir John Melvil is at this moment locked up with this lady's younger sister. Flow. The thing is a little extraordinary, to be sure; but why were we to be frightened out of our beds for this? Could not we have tried this cause to-morrow morning? Lord O. Look ye, ladies! I know that Sir John has conceived a violent passion for Miss Fanny; and I know, too, that Miss Fanny has conceived a violent passion for another person; and I am so well convinced of the rectitude of her affections, that I will support them with my fortune, my honour, and my life.-Eh, sha'n't I, Mr. Sterling? [Smiling.] What say you? Ster. [Sulkily.] To be sure, my lord. These bawling women have been the ruin of every thing. [Aside, Lord O. But come, I'll end this business in a trice. If you, ladies, will compose yourselves, and Mr. Sterling will ensure Miss Fanny from violence, I will engage to draw her from her pillow with a whisper through the key-hole. Mrs. H. The horrid creatures! I say, my lord, break the door open. Lord O. Let me beg of your delicacy not to be too precipitate! Now to our experiment! [Advancing towards the door. Miss S. Now, what will they do? My heart will beat through my bosom. Re-enter BETTY, with the key. Bet. There's no occasion for breaking open doors, my lord; we have done nothing that we ought to be ashamed of, and my mistress shall face her enemies. [Going to unlock the door. Mrs. H. There's impudence! Lord O. The mystery thickens. Lady of the bedchamber, [To BETTY.] open the door, and entreat Sir John Melvil (for the ladies will have it that he is there,) to appear, and answer to high crimes and misdemeanors. Call Sir John Melvil into court! Enter SIR JOHN MELVIL. Sir J. I am here, my lord. Sir J. What's all this alarm and confusion? There is nothing but hurry in this house! What is the reason of it? Lord O. Because you have been in that chamber; have been! nay, you are there at this moment, as these ladies have protested, so don't deny it Trav. This is the clearest alibi I ever knew, Mr. Sergeant. Flow. Luce clarius. Lord O. Upon my word, ladies, if you have often these frolics, it would be really entertaining to pass a whole summer with you. But come, To BETTY.] open the door, and entreat your amiable mistress to come forth, and dispel all our doubts with her smiles. Bet. [Opening the door.] Madam, you are wanted in this room. [Pertly. Enter FANNY, in greut confusion. Miss S. You see she's ready dressed-and what confusion she's in. Mrs. H. Ready to pack off, bag and baggage! Her guilt confounds her! Flow. Silence in the court, ladies! Fan. I am confounded, indeed, Madam! Lord O. Don't droop, my beauteous lily! but with your own peculiar modesty declare your state of mind. Pour conviction into their ears, and rapture into mine. [Smiling. Fan. I am at this moment the most unhappy most distressed-the tumult is too much for my heart--and I want the power to reveal a secret, which to conceal has been the misfortune and misery of my- [Faints away. LOVEWELL rushes out of the chamber. Love. My Fanny in danger! I can contain no longer! Prudence were now a crime; all other cares were lost in this! Speak, speak, speak to me, my dearest Fanny let me but hear thy voice: open your eyes, and bless me with the smallest sign of life! [During this speech, they are all in amazement. Miss S. Lovewell!-I am easy. Mrs. H. I am thunderstruck! Sir J. And I undone. Fan. [Recovering.] O, Lovewell!-even supported by thee, I dare not look my father nor his lordship in the face. Ster. What now? Did not I send you to London, Sir? Lord O. Eh!-What! How's this? By what right and title have you been half the night in that lady's bed-chamber? Love. By that right which makes me the happiest of men; and by a title which I would not forego for any the best of kings could give. Bet. I could cry my eyes out, to hear his magnanimity. Lord O. I am annihilated! Ster. I have been choked with rage and wonder;-but now I can speak. Lovewell, you are a villain;-you have broken your word with me. Fan. Indeed, Sir, he has not; you forbade him to think of me, when it was out of his power to obey you; we have been married these four months. Ster. And he sha'n't stay in my house four hours. What baseness and treachery! As for you, you shall repent this step as long as you live, Madam! Fan. Indeed, Sir, it is impossible to conceive the tortures I have already endured in consequence of my disobedience. My heart has continually upbraided me for it; and though I was too weak to struggle with affection, I feel that I must be miserable for ever without your forgiveness. Ster. Lovewell, you shall leave my house directly! and you shall follow him, Madam! Lord O. And if they do, I will receive them into mine. Lookye, Mr. Sterling, there have been some mistakes, which we had all better forget for our own sakes; and the best way to forget them, is to forgive the cause of them; which I do, from my soul. Poor girl! I swore to support her affection with my life and fortune; 'tis a debt of honour, and must be paid. You swore as much too, Mr. Sterling; but your laws in the city will excuse you, suppose; for you never strike a balance without errors excepted. Ster. I am a fat.er, my lord; but for the sake of other fathers, I think I ought not to forgive her, for fear of encouraging other silly girls, like herself, to throw themselves away without the consent of their parents. Lore. I hope there will be no danger of that, Sir. Young ladies, with minds like my Fanny's, would startle at the very shadow of vice; and when they know to what uneasiness only an indiscretion has exposed her, her example, instead of encouraging, will rather serve to deter them. Mrs. H. Indiscretion, quotha? a mighty pretty delicat word to express disobedience! Lord O. For my part, I indulge my own passions too much to tyrannize over those of other people. Poor souls! I pity them. And you must forgive them too. Come, come, melt a little of your flint, Mr. Sterling! Ster. Why, why, as to that, my lord-to be | sure, he is a relation of yours, my lordWhat say you sister Heidelberg? Mrs. H. The girl's ruined, and I forgive her. Ster. Well, so do I then. Nay, no thanks; there's an end of the matter. Lord O. But, Lovewell, what makes you dumb all this while? Love. Your kindness, my lord: I can scarce believe my own senses; they are all in a tumult of fear, joy, love, expectation, and gratitude! I ever was, and am now more, bound in duty to your lordship. For you, Mr. Sterling, if every moment of my life, spent gratefully in your service, will in some measure compensate the want of fortune, you perhaps will not repent your goodness to me. you, ladies, I flatter myself, will not for the future suspect me of artifice and intrigue. I shall be happy to oblige and serve you. As for you, Sir John And Sir J. No apologies to me, Lovewell; I do not deserve any. All I have to offer in excuse for what has happened, is my total ignorance of your situation. Had you dealt a little more openly with me, you would have saved me, yourself, and that lady (who I hope will pardon my behaviour,) a great deal of uneasiness. Give me leave, however, to assure you, that, light and capricious as I may have appeared, now my infatuation is over, I have sensibility enough to be ashamed of the part I have acted, and honour enough to rejoice at your happiness. Love. And now, my dearest Fanny, though we are seemingly the happiest of beings, yet all our joys will be damped, if his lordship's generosity and Mr. Sterling's forgiveness should not be succeeded by the indulgence, approbation, and consent of these our best benefactors. [To the audience. EPILOGUE.-BY MR. GARRICK. SCENE.-An Assembly. Several Persons at cards, at different tables; among the rest, COLONEL TRILL, LORD Lord M. I hate a playhouse-Trump-It 1 Lady. We're two by honours, Ma'am. Pray do you know the author, Colonel Trill? 1 Lady. I'll tell you who, my lord. "And dwell such daring souls in little men?" Be whose it will, they down our throats will cram it. Col. T. O, no-1 have a club-the bestwe'll damn it. Mrs. Q. O, bravo, colonel!-Music is my flame. Lord M. And mine, by Jupiter!-We've won the game. Col. T. What, do you love all music? Lord M. Are fit for Goths and Vandals. Sir P. Well, faith and troth, that Shakspeare was no fool! Col. T. I'm glad you like him, Sir-so ends the pool. [They pay and rise from the table. Song.-COLONEL TRILL. I hate all their nonsense, Their Shakspeares and Johnsons, Their plays, and their playhouse, and bards: 'Tis singing, not saying; A fig for all playing, But playing, as we do, at cards. I love to see Jonas, Am pleased too with Comus; Each well the spectator rewards. So clever, so neat, in Their tricks and their cheating! Like them, we would fain deal our cards. Sir P. King Lare is touching!-And how fine to see Ould Hamlet's ghost! "To be, or not to be."What are your op'ras to Othello's roar? Oh, he's an angel of a Blackamoor? Lord M. What! when he chokes his wife! Col. T. And calls her whore? Sir P. King Richard calls his horse-And then Macbeth, Whene'er he murders-takes away the breath capuchin. Lord M. And isn't it damn'd, Miss? But we shall damn it, Col. T. When? Miss C. To-morrow night. There is a party of us, all of fashion, A little mischief only makes one bear it. Lord M. The rest have no more judgment than my horse. Miss C. Lord Grimly said 'twas execrable stuff. Says one "Why so, my lord?"-My lord took snuff. In the first act Lord George began to doze, And criticis'd the author through his nose; So loud indeed, that as his lordship snor'd, The pit turn'd round, and all the brutes encor'd. Some lords indeed approv'd the author's jokes. Lord M. We have among us, Miss, some The piece is good,"-but he's both deaf and blind. Sir P. Upon my soul, a very pretty story! And quality appears in all its glory. There was some merit in the piece, no doubt. Miss C. O, to be sure !-if one could find it out. Col. T. But, tell us, Miss, the subject of the play. Miss C. Why, 'twas a marriage-yes-a marriage-stay A lord, an aunt, two sisters-and a merchant- Col. T. Oh, damn it! Sir P. Well, faith, you speak your minds, and I'll be free Good night-this company's too good for me. [Going. [All laugh. Col. T. Your judgment, dear Sir Patrick, makes us proud. Sir P. Laugh if you please, but pray don't laugh so loud. [Exit. Recitative.-COLONEL TRILL, MISS CROTCHET, and LORD MINUM. Col. T. Now the barbarian's gone, Miss, tune your tongue, And let us raise our spirits high with song. Miss C. Colonel, de tout mon cœur-I've one in petto, Which you shall join, and make it a duetto. I too will join, and then we'll make a trio. chorus: And drive all tragedy and comedy before us. [All the company rise and advance to the front of the stage. Trio.-COLONEL TRILL, MISS CROTCHET, and Col. T. Would you ever go to see a tragedy? |