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Jane S. Dumont! Ha! where?

Enter CATESBY, with a Guard, [Raising herself, and looking about. Then heaven has heard my prayer; his very

Cates. Seize on 'em both, as traitors to the

state

Bel. What means this violence ?
Renews the springs of life, and cheers my soul.
Has he then 'scap'd the share?

[Guards lay hold on SHORE and BELMOUR.

Cates. Have we not found you, Bel. He has; but see

In scorn of the protector's strict command, He comes, unlike to that Dumont you knew,

Assisting this base woman, and abetting
For now he wears your better angel's form, Her infamy?
And comes to visit you with peace and pardon.

Shore. Infamy on thy head!
Enter SHORE.

Thou tool of power, thou pander to authority!

I tell thee, knave, thou know'st of none so Jane S. Speak, tell me! Which is he? And

virtuous, oh! what would

And she that bore thee was an Ethiop to her. This dreadful vision! See it comes upon me- Cates. You'll answer this at full-away with It is my husband —Ah! [She swoons.

'em. Shore. She faints! support her!

Shore. Is charity grown treason to your Bel. Her weakness could not bear the strong What honest man would live beneath such

[rulers ? surprise. But see, she stirs ! And the returning blood I am content that we should die togetherFaintly begins to blush again, and kindle Cates. Convey the men to prison;

but, for her, Upon her ashy cheek

Leave her to hunt her fortune as she may. Shore. So-gently raise her

Jane S. I will not part with him for me! [Raising her up.

—for me! Jane S. Ha! what art thou ? Belmour ! OL! must he die for me? Bel. How fare you, lady?

[Following him as he is carried off ; she falls. Jane S. My heart is thrill'd with horror- Shore. Inhuman villains ! Bel. Be of courage

[Breaks from the Guards. Your husband lives! 'tis he, my worthiest Stand off! the agonies of death are on herfriend

She pulls, she gripes me hard with her cold Jane S. Still art thou there!-Still dost thou

hand, hover round me!

Jane S. Was this blow wanting to complete Oh, save me, Belmour, from his angry shade!

my ruin? Bel. 'Tis he himself! he lives! look up Oh! let me go, ye ministers of terror. Jane S. I dare not!

He shall offend no more, for I will die, Oh! that my eyes could shut him out for ever And yield obedience to your cruel master. Shore. Am I so hateful then, so deadly to Tarry a little, but a little longer, thee,

And take my last breath with you. To blast thy eyes with horror? Since I'm grown Shore. Oh, my love! A burden to the world, myself, and thee, Why dost thou fix thy dying eyes upon me, Would I had ne'er surviv'd to see thee more. With such an earnest, such a piteous, look, Jane S. Oh! thou most injur'd-dost thou As if thy heart were full of some sad meaning live, indeed ?

Thou could'st not speak ?Fall then, ye mountains, on my guilty head; Jane S. Forgive me!- -but forgive me! Hide me, ye rocks, within your secret caverns; Shore. Be witness for me, ye celestial hosts, Cast thy black veil upon my shame, 0 night!' Such mercy and such pardon as my soul And shield me with thy sable wing for ever. Accords to thee, and begs of heaven to show Shore. Why dost thou turn away? Why

thee; tremble thus ?

May such befall me at my latest hour, Why thus indulge thy fears? and, in despair, And make my portion blest or curst for ever. Abandon thy distracted soul to horror ?

Jane S. Then all is well, and I shall sleep Cast every black and guilty thought behind

in peace thee,

"Tis very dark, and I have lost you now And let 'em never vex thy quiet more. Was there not something I would have beMy arms, my heart, are open to receive thee,

queath'd you? To bring thee back to thy forsaken home, But I have nothing left me to bestow, With tender joy, with fond forgiving love. Nothing but one sad sigh. Oh! mercy, heaLet us haste,

ven!

(Dies. Now while occasion seems to smile upon us, Bel. There fled the soul, Forsake this place of shame, and find a shelter. And left her load of misery behind. Jane S. What shall I say to you? But I Shore. Oh, heavy hour! obey

Fare thee well

[Kissing her. Shore. Lean on my arm

Now execute your tyrant's will, and lead me Jane S. Alas! I'm wondrous faint:

To bonds or death, 'tis equally indifferent. But that's not strange, I have not eat these Bel. Let those, who view this sad example, three days.

know Shore. Oh! merciless!

What fate attends the broken marriage vow; Jane S. Oh! I am sick at heart!

And teach their children, in succeeding times, Shore. Thou murd'rous sorrow !

No common vengeance waits upon these Wo't thou still drink her blood, pursue her

crimes, still ?

When such severe repentance could not save Must she then die ? O my poor penitent! From want, from shame, and an untimely Speak peace to thy sad heart; she hears me

grave. Grief masters every sense

(not:

[The curtain descends slowly to music.

.WAYS AND

AND MEANS:

A COMEDY,

IN THREE ACTS.

BY GEORGE COLMAN, Esq.

REMARKS.

THIS Play is an early production of the most successful dramatic writer of the age, who, though often attacked by those critical paupers,

Who snatch the poet's wreath with en vious clavs,

And hiss contempt for merited applause; has neutralised their venom by the universal sanction of his country, and the superior vigour and brilliancy of his writings.-Under the inspiration of the comic Muse, Mr. Colman has produced a variety of excellent comedies, farces, &c. that will never be excelled in the main requisites of dramatic effect and sterling humour, · The three-act comedy before us is well supported throughout ;-the whimsicality of Sir David Dunder, the efforts of the lovers, the curiosity of Peery, the wary cunning of Tiptoe, and the general effect of a clever dispersion of pun and laughable situation, are fair claims to frequent representation.

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ,

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HAYMARKET.

HAYMARKET. Sir David DUNDER, Mr. Bannister, jun. | ROUNDFEE,

Mr. Bannister. RANDOM,

Mr. Palmer.
QUIRK,

Mr. Moss,
SCRUPLE,

Mr. Williamson,
OLD RANDOM,

Mr. Aickin.
LADY DUNDER,

Mrs. Webb.
CARNEY,

Mr. Barret.
HARRIET,

Mrs. Kemble.
TIPTOE,
Mr. R. Palmer. KITTY,

Mrs. Prideaur. Paul Peery,

Mr. Usher.
Mrs. Peery,

Mrs. Lore.
Passengers, French and English Waiter, Bailiff, Servants, &c.
SCENE.—Partly at Dover, and partly at Sir David Dunder's, near Dover.

ACT I.

Paul. P. But what's the matter?

Mrs. P. Packets are the matter-diligences SCENE 1.-Anti-Room in an Inn. are the matter. Sea and land-cargoes and Paul Peery discovered, in a chair, asleep; bar-carriages. Four sea-sick gentlemen, from Cabell ringing violently.

lais; and four ladies just stept out of the mail Enter Mrs. PEERY.

coach, from Canterbury.-The men, I believe,

are making inquiries for the machine to LonMrs. P. Why, Paul! why, husband !

don. Paul P. Eh! What! [Waking.)

Paul P. Are they? Then show 'em all into Mrs. P. For shame! for shame, Mr. Peery! one room. I pity the poor gentlemen.-NoThe bar-bell has been ringing this half hour; thing is so dreadful as sea sickness—so put 'em and here you sleep like the rusty clapper of it; all together and they'll only be sick of one and scarce stir when you are pulled and when another, you know.

[Bell rings. you are, you only waddle about a little bit, and then stand still till you are pulled again.

Enter WAITER. Paul P. Pr’ythee, wife, be quiet-You know, Wait. Two gentlemen in a post-chaise, with I was always famous for giving satisfaction. a servant, from London, Sir. [Exit WAITER.

Mrs. P. Were you! I wish I could find it Mrs. P. Run, Mr. Peery! out.

Paul P. Ay, ay-You take care of the stageSCENE II.A Room in the Inn. coaches, and let me alone for the post-chaise | gentry.--Here, Lewis, John, William Show a room, here, to the gentlemen, there!

Enter Paul PEÉRY, showing in RANDOM and '[Exit, bawling.

SCRUPLE.

Paul P. This way, your honours ; this way! Enter WAITER, showing in one FRENCH and one step at the door, if you please.

three ENGLISH PASSENGERS, from the Pac- Rand. Step, un, Şir, if you please-pay the ket.

post-boy, and send in the servant; (PEERY

going.], and, harkye, landlord ! what's the Wait. Walk in, gentlemen.

name of your house? Mrs. P. Walk in, gentlemen, if you please. Welcome to England! Welcome to Dover, and best established house in the town, Sir.

Paul P. The Ship, your honour. The oldest gentlemen! 1 Pass. So-just six o'clock in the morning room, and get us some breakfast.

Rand. Very well; then give us a better -becalmed at sea-not a wink all night-the Paul P. It shall be done, Sir. I suppose, devil take this packet, say I. I'm rumbled, gentlemen, you mean to cross to Calais ? and tumbled, and jumbled

Scru, Pshaw! Mrs. P. I'm extremely sorry for it, Sir!

Paul P. You intend to take water, gentle. but

men ? F. Pass. Now, begar, it do me goot.

Rand. No, Sir, but we intend to take your Mrs. P. I'm vastly happy to hear it-do you wine. We may stay here some days, perhaps. choose any refreshment, Sir ?

Paul P. Thank your honours ! every thing F. Pass. Vous avez raison—I never vas so shall be had to your satisfaction, and as far refresh in all my life.

as a cellar and larder can go, I think I-vastly Mrs. P. I am very glad, indeed, Sir !

obliged to your honours ! Here, Lewis, Wil. 2 Pass. I'm damned sick.

liam, breakfast for two in the Lion, there. Mrs. P. I'm very sorry, I assure you, Sir!

[Exit. F. Pass. Ma foi, madame have beaucoup de Rand. Well said, my thorough, clumsy, politesse !

talkative inkeeper!—and now, my dear Scru2 Pass. Get me a glass of brandy-ti tol, lol ple, after our night's journey, welcome to -I feel confounded qualmish, but tol, lol, lol, Dover. Here we are, you see—not with the la-I don't like to own a sea-sickness-and- old, stale intention of taking a voyage to the “ Britons ever rule the waves."

continent; but à voyage to the island

of Love. [Singing, and smothering his uneasiness.

Scru. But suppose we should find neither F. Pass. Briton rule de vave! I tink de vave wind nor tide in our favour? rule you, ma foi, ha, ha!

Rand. Why then we shall be love bound 2 Pass. Rigit, Mounseer! in the present here a little, that's all. But, hang it, why case, I grant you. Packet sailing-mere plain anticipate evils? If we are to be unlucky, water agrees best with your folks : but, when the less we think of it the better-confound all there is occasion to mix a little of our British thinking, say I. spirit with it, why, it's always too much for a Scru. Confound thinkin., Mr. Random! I'm French stomach. Now that's the time when sure its high time to think-and that very sean Englishman never feels qualmish at all. riously,

Rand. Hey-day! Moralizing! “ Confound Enter WAITER, showing in four WOMEN. thinking, Mr. Random !” Yes, Sir, confound

thinking I'm sure thinking would confound Mrs. P. Servant, ladies. 1 Wom. Lard! this mail coach is the worst at present.

us; and most confoundedly too, Mr. Scruple, conveyance in the world. It squeezes four Scru. Yet one can't help having one's doubts. people together, like two double letters. Rand. Poh! pr’ythee don't doubt at all

Mrs. P. Disagreeable to be sure, Ma'am! doubting is mean and mechanical; and never 1 Man. And that infernal packet!

entered the head or heart of a gentleman. Mrs. P. Nothing can be half so bad, Sir! Why, now, if you observe from our own daily 2 Man. But then the cabin

experience, the people that doubted most were Mrs. P. Except the cabin, your honour! either our taylors, or tavern-keepers, or shoe

2 Wom. And riding backward in a coach-makers; or some such pitiful puppies-augh!

Zounds, man, don't be faint-hearted now! Mrs. P. I can't conceive any thing so shock- we shall never win our fair ladies, at this rate ing, Ma'ain!

-besides, haven't we all the reasonable hopes F. Pass. Voila la politesse encore !

in the world ? Mrs. P. Beg pardon, ladies and gentlemen. Scru. Why we are sure of their good wishes, -But our house is so full at present, we have I believe. but one room to spare ; the cloth is laid in it Rand. Certainly—and as to any trifling obfor breakfast, and it will be ready directly stacles, such as father and mother, or sohope you will excuse the

chance must direct us. i Man. Oh! certainly, hostess : travellers, Scru. But may not those trifling obstacles you know if you'll give me leave, Ma'am. you mention i Wom. Sir, you are very obliging:

Rand. Pshaw! doubting again! why you [The men hand the women. are more of a Mandarin, on a chimney-piece, Mrs. P. Here, William, wait on the com- than a man—there's no touching you but your pany.

head begins shaking. Consider, we attacked F. Pass. Ah! c'est drole! pair by pair! two 'em at Bath, where they were three weeks by two! (Exeunt Men, handing out the Women. ago, on a visit to a female friend, without im

Mrs. P. Show 'em into Noah's ark, William, pertinent relations about 'em to give 'em ad. d've hear! (Bell rings.] Coming! Here, John! vice-and made, I think, no inconsiderable Lewis! coming!

[Exit. progress.

M

men

Scru. Granted; but they were then sud- to bring in; and we have contrived, on pardenly called home to their father's, the baro- pose to make it easy, to put both our clothes net's, near Dover, here; who hinted, in his in one portmanteau. letter, at no very distant match for both of 'em. Tip. That's the very reason I complain, Sir,

Rind. O never fear, if the girls are averse You don't know how fatiguing it is to carry to it; and they, at our parting, like simple double. damsels in romance, bewailed their cruel fate, Rand. A shrewd fellow this. He may be while we, like true knights errant, promised of use to us. And now we have to inquire, to rescue them from confinement. But you pray, Sir, what may your name be? had more opportunities with your flame than Tip. Tiptoe-Tiptoe, gentlemen, at your I: why did not you marry her at once ? service. I have seen better days, no offence Scru. Because I loved her.

to your honours--honest Tiptoe once stood Rand. Well, that's some reason too-you above the world; but now-all the world would have made a damned unfashionable stands upon Tiptoe. figure, I confess.

Scru. And pray, Sir, what were you, forScrú. You mistake me; I had too much merly? honour to impose on my Harriet's amiable Tip. A decent young man, Sir-that could simplicity, and have the utmost detestation for dress wigs, write a running-hand, and preinarrying merely to make a fortune. In these ferred a sober, steady family. I shaved my interested cases, if we keep up appearances, old master, bottled off his wine, copied his after marriage, the wife becomes a clog and papers, and kept the key of his cabinet and incumbrance ; if we throw off the mask, we cellar; in short, Sir, I was his prime minister. are making a worthy woman, perhaps, miser- Scru. How came you to leave him, Sir ? able, who bas afforded the only means of Tip. Ruined by party, Sir ;-some of his making her husband easy.

papers

were missing, and as I kept the key Rand. Mighty romantic, truly! and charming policy for a fellow without a guinea ! Rand. Began to be suspected-eh! honest

Scru. My policy was chosen from the pro- Tiptoe? verb, Random! I thought honesty the best. Tip. Why, I can't tell how it was, Şir; but I confessed to her my embarrassed circum- the cabinet was against me—the whole house stances.

opposed me and poor Tiptoe, like other great Rand. Charming !

Scru. Told her "I had nothing to boast of Rand. Was turned out, I take it? but my family; whom my imprudence had Tip. Oh, fie! no, Sir; I resigned. I then disobliged.

fairly advertised my abilities--"wants a place Rand. Excellent !

---can turn his hand to every thing :"-you, gen. Scru. And thus, by candidly acknowledging tlemen, bid most for me here I am, and I myself unworthy her affections, I undesign- hope you'll have no cause to complain of my edly, insured them.

qualifications. Rand. Pugh! this may do well enough for Scru. He'll make no bad ambassador for us, the grave, sentimental, elder sister; but at least, Random, and n w to breakfast, and Kitty's the girl for my taste-young, wild, our plan of operations. If they fail-farewell, frank, and ready to run into my arms, without dear, dear little England! and yet I am wed the trouble of dying or sighing. Her mind ded to theefuil of fun, her eyes full of fire, her head full Rand, Like modern husbands to their wives, of novels, and her heart full of love-ay, and Scruple: it's almost impossible to be seen in her pocket full of money, my boy!

one another's company any longer. Scru. Well, we must now find means to

[Exeunt RANDOM and SCRUPLE. introduce ourselves to the family; I dread Tip. Very fine company I seem to have got encountering the old folks too; people in the into-hired in one instant, by two men, I had country, here, are apt to be suspicious; they not heard of three moments; set out on a jourask queer questions sometimes.

ney at four in the morning, and it had scarce Rand. Oh! the mere effect of their situa- struck five, when I began to 'suspect they tion; where they get more health than polish. were all sixes and sevens.

Scru. And yet old country families
Rand. Are like old country bacondamned

Enter a FRENCH WAITER. fat and very rusty, Scruple. But come, let's to breakfast, and settle our plan over a cup of Well, friend! coffee. But where the devil's our scoundrel ? F. 'Wait. Serviteur, monsieur. we only hired him overnight, and have scarce Tip. Friend! oh Lord ! no!- It's the enemy. set our eyes on him since.

--French waiters creep into shabby Dover Scru. What, our joint lacquey? that we inns, like French footmen into large London engaged for the expedition, to avoid inquiries families. French footmen!

more shame for -to wait on us both-dress us both and fly their employers! who starve their own poor on both our errands, like a shuttlecock between countrymen, to feed a set of skinny scoundrels, two battledores?

whose looks give the lie to their living, and Rand. Yes, or like another Atlas, with all prove their master's head in much nicer order our world upon his shoulders. Only look at than his heart. What, you come to carry up him, Scruple !

the portmanteau, I suppose ? Enter Tiptoe, with a small portmanteau.

F. Wait. Oui, de portmanteau, dat belong Tip. Gentlemen, shall I put down the lug- Tip. Well, take it (Puts it on his shoulder.] gage ? .

and take care of it too, monsieur, d'ye mind; Scru. Ay, on this table.

none of your old tricks of running away. Tip: (Putting it down.) Whew! It's enough F Wait. Never you fear; laissez moi faire. to make a man faint to look at it.

“O! de roast beef of Old England.” Rund. Why, you scoundrel, it's all you have

(Exit, singing.

to

Tip. There go all the worldly goods of my | tomers in the world; for none pay so well at two poor masters; and here comes our inqui- an inn as those who are always damning the sitive puppy of a landlord. Deuce take the waiters for ill treatment.

(Bar-bell. fellow! he asked me more questions at the

Enter WAITER. bar of the inn, than if I had been brought to the bar of the Old Bailey,

Wait. Sir David Dunder, of Dunder Hall,

Sir, has had business in the town before breakEnter PEERY,

fast, and stept in, whilst his horses put to, to Paul P. Ah! my honest friend-sweet, go back.

[Exit. honest Mr. Tiptoe, your servant !

Paul P. (dds my life! a rich man, a good Tip. (Aside.] How did he pick up my natured gentleman, and lives but a mile off: name, now?

the only great man, I know, whose situation Paul P. I hope the two worthy gentlemen, never keeps me at a great distance. An odd I have shown above stairs, have every thing to fellow, too; and takes more money from my their satisfaction? Though I say it, that should house than a tax gatherer ; I can never keep not say it, Paul Peery, of the Ship, was ever a guest for his cursed kind invitations. But famous for giving satisfaction. Which of the he pays well while he stays. So, William ! two do you serve, my friend ?

wife ! bostler! rub down the horses, and show Tip. Umph! serve !-why-am

up Sir David Dunder.

[Exit. Paul P. His honour in gray? orTip. Ay.

Peery returns, attending Sır David, talking, Paul P. Or the worthy gentleman in green?

as entering Tip. Yes.

Sir D. Pooh, Paul, you're a blockheadPaul P. Umph! Two sweet gentlemen, in- there's two of 'em you tell me? deed ; and happy is one of 'em in a servant. Paul P. Worth a plum a piece, Sir David. You seem to give double the attendance of an Sir D. Plums! figs !-How's your wife, ordinary footman.

Paul, eh? Tip. Why, though I say it, that shouldn't Paul P. She's prettysay it-Tim Tiptoe was ever famous for giving Sir D. Be quiet-I know she is. And so satisfaction.

[Mimicking PEERY. | these two merchants are as rich as Paul P. A close fellow! Well, I wish 'em Paul P. Any thing, your honour. success with all my heart, Mr. Tiptoe. You Sir D. Damned good simile-very new too. have lived with 'em a long while, I imagine? Have they taken care of the horses?

Tip. Why, I have lived with 'em long Paul P. They're going toenough, for that matter, Mr. Peery.

Sir D. Be quiet-I know it-Merchants ! Paul P. They are of property, no doubt ?

hazard ! Vessels are lottery tickets--two Tip. Of such property, Master Peery-it's blanks to a prize. impossible to describe it!

Paul P. Right, your honour; and the sea Paul P. Indeed! and where may their pro

Sir D. Is the worst wheel in the world for perty lie at this time ?

'em, Paul ; for when once they stick at the Tip. I believe all their property lies on the bottom, I would not give a farthing for the sea coast, at this time.

chance of their coming up. Where do they Paul P. Oh, oh! the sea coast! What, in come from? ships, I imagine ?

Paul P. London-London merchants; and Tip. Yes, it's all in the ship.

they Paul P. So, so! merchants ! rich rogues, I'll Sir D. I know it, you blockhead-are reslay my life. [Aside.] Ah! warm, warm! Good pected all over the world. London merchants, men, Mr. Tiptoe, trusted by every body, I Paul, are like London porter ; a little heavy warrant.

or so, sometimes; but stout, stiff, I eady, old Tip. Trusted for a great while too, I promise hogsheads, that keep up the vigour of a strong you.

English constitution. Where are they going? Paul P. I hope they find every thing to their Paul P. I can't tell, Sir David; but if you liking.-Must be civil here. (Aside.) I hope wish for any intelligencethe room suits their honours? I should be Sir D. You can't give it me. Tell 'em I sorry to give any offence. I have given 'em a wish to be introduced, d’ye hear? Sir David room I give to the best of company.

Dunder, Dunder Hall-you know the formTip. Oh, excellent! make no apologies: Bart.; bloody hand, all that-wishes toyour room is as good as your company, Master Who have we here? Peery.

Paul P. The very men, Sir David; coming Rand. (Without.] Damn your house this way too. Here! Tiptoe! Tiptoe! you scoundrel ! Sir D. Then do you get out on't.

Tip. Coming directly, Sir.You are right; Paul P. So! two more guests going by his you were always famous for giving satisfac-cursed invitations.

Aside ; exit. tion.

Sir D. [Looking out.) Gad! they are youngRand. Tiptoe!

ish men for merchants. Well, why the worse? Paul P. Hark! is it your master ?

They may be clever fellows, for all that. If Tip. Faith, do not know. It's either his so, the younger the better; and a man must honour in gray, or the worthy gentleman in be clever indeed, when his enemies can throw green.-Good bye, Master Peery.

nothing but his youth in his teeth. Rand. Tiptoe! Tip. Coming, Sir.

[Erit.

Enter RANDOM and SCRUPLE. Paul P. Why, what the devil can these mer- Rand. Nay, pr’ythee, Scruple, one turn on chants do at Dover ? A bit of a smuggling busi- the quay, and who is he? Egad, the same ness, perhaps. They must be rich fellows, by queer fellow we observed just now under the the servant's being so saucy--and, then they | window. call about 'em, and abuse the house so kindly! Scru. Right, giving orders to his coachman. -Oh! your abusive fellows are the best cus- Sir D. Gentlemen, your servant.

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