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done its day's work, she puts it three years old, with a fine beard away in a handkerchief; and becomes, already, and his little legs and arins, as far as in her lies, a private ordi- as seen out of his little frock, covered nary person. All public men and with a dark down. What a queer women of good sense, I should think, little capering satyr! He was quite have this modesty. When, for in-good-natured, childish, rather solemn. stance, in my small way, poor Mrs. He had a little Norval dress, I reBrown comes simpering up to me, member: the drollest little Norval. with her album in one hand, a pen in I have said the B. L. had another the other, and says, “Ho, ho, dear child. Now this was a little girl of Mr. Roundabout, write us one of your some six years old, as fair and as amusing," &c., &c., my beard drops smooth of skin, dear madam, as your behind my handkerchief instantly. own darling cherubs. She wandered Why am I to wag my chin and grin about the great cabin quite melanfor Mrs. Brown's good pleasure ? choly. No one seemed to care for My dear madam, I have been making her. All the family affections were faces all day. It is my profession. I centred on Master Esau yonder. His do my comic business with the little beard was beginning to be a little greatest pains, seriousnesss, and fortune already, whereas Miss Rostrouble : and with it make, I hope, a alba was of no good to the family. not dishonest livelihood. If you ask No one would pay a cent to see her Mons. Blondin to tea, you don't have little fair face. No wonder the poor a rope stretched from your garret little maid was melancholy. As I window to the opposite side of the looked at her, I seemed to walk more square, and request Monsieur to take and more in a fairy tale, and more his tea out on the centre of the rope ? and more in cavern of ogres. Was I lay my hand on this waistcoat, and this a little fondling whom they had declare that not once in the course picked up in some forest, where lie of our voyage together did I allow the picked bones of the queen, her the Kentucky Giant to suppose I was tender mother, and the tough old speculating on his stature, or the defunct monarch, her father? No. Bearded Lady to surmise that I Doubtless they were quite good-nawished to peep under the handker- tured people, these. I don't believe chief which muffled the lower part of they were unkind to the little girl her face.
without the mustaches. “And the more fool you,” says have been only my fancy that she some cynic. (Faugh, those cynics, I repined because she had a cheek no hate 'em!) Don't you know, sir, more bearded than a rose’s. that a man of genius is pleased to Would you wish your own daughhave his genius recognized ; that a ter, madam, to have a smooth cheek, beauty likes to be admired; that an a modest air, and a gentle feminine actor likes to be applauded; that behavior, or to be- I won't say a stout old Wellington himself was whiskered prodigy, like this Bearded pleased, and smiled when the people Lady of Kentucky - but a masculine cheered him as he passed ? Suppose wonder, a virago, a female personage you had paid some respectful elegant of more than female strength, courage, compliment to that lady! Suppose wisdom? Some authors, who shall you had asked that giant, if, for once, be nameless, are, I know, accused of he would take any thing at the liquor- depicting the most feeble, brainless, bar? you might have learned a great namby-pamby heroines, forever whimdeal of curious knowledge regarding pering tears and prattling congiants and bearded ladies, about monplaces. You would have the whom you evidently now know very heroine of your novel so beautiful little. There was that little boy of that she should charm the captain (or
hero, whoever he may be) with her trumpeters, the admiration of the appearance; surprise and confound crowd, the gilded progress of the car. the bishop with her learning; outride I see an old woman alone in a dethe squire and get the brush, and, crepit old caravan, with cobwebs on when he fell from his horse, whip out the knocker, with a blistered ensign a lancet and bleed him ; rescue from flapping idly over the door. Would fever and death the poor cottager's you like to be that deserted person? family whom the doctor had given up; Ah, Chloe! To be good, to be simmake 21 at the butts with the rifle, ple, to be modest, to be loved, be thy when the poor captain only scored 18; lot. Be thankful thou art not taller, give him twenty in fifty at billiards nor stronger, nor richer, nor wiser, and beat him; and draw tears from than the rest of the world! the professional Italian people by her exquisite performance (of voice and violoncello) in the evening ; - I say, if a novelist would be popular with ON LETTS'S DIARY. ladies – the great novel-readers of the world -- this is the sort of heroine MINE is one of your No. 12 diaries, who would carry him through half a three shillings cloth boards ; silk dozen editions. Suppose I had asked limp, gilt edges, three-and-six ; French that Bearded Lady to sing ? Confess, morocco, tack ditto, four-and-six. It now, miss, you would not have been has two pages, ruled with faint lines displeased if I had told you that she for memoranda, for every week, and had a voice like Lablache, only ever a ruled account at the end, for the so much lower.
twelve months from January to DeMy dear, you would like to be a cember, where you may set down your heroine ? 'You would like to travel incomings and your expenses. I hope in triumphal caravans; to see your yours, my respected reader, are large; effigy placarded on city walls; to have that there are many fine round sums your levées attended by admiring of figures on each side of the page : crowds, all crying out, “Was there liberal on the expenditure side, greater ever such a wonder of a woman?” still on the receipt. I hope, sir, you You would like admiration? Con- will be "a better man,” as they say, sider the tax you pay for it. You in ’62 than in this moribund '61, would be alone were you eminent. whose career of life is just coming to Were you so distinguished from your its terminus. A better man in purse? neighbors – I will not say by a beard in body ? in soul's health? Amen, and whiskers, that were odious — but good sir, in all. Who is there so by a great and remarkable intellectual good in mind, body, or estate, but superiority — would you, do you bettering won't still be good for him ? think, be any the happier ? Considero unknown Fate, presiding over next envy.
Consider solitude. Consider year, if you will give me better health, the jealousy and torture of mind a better appetite, a better digestion, which this Kentucky lady must feel, a better income, a better temper in suppose she should hear that there is, '62 than you have bestowed in '61, I let us say, a Missouri prodigy, with think your servant will be the better a beard larger than hers ? Consider for the changes. For instance, I how she is separated from her kind should be the better for a new coat. by the possession of that wonder of This one, I acknowledge, is very old. a beard? When that beard grows The family says so. My good friend, gray, how lonely she will
be, the poor who amongst us would not be the old thing! If it falls off, the public better if he would give up some old admiration falls off too; and how she habits? Yes, yes. You agree with will miss it- the compliments of the me. You take the allegory? Alas!
easy it is!
at our time of life we don't like to up bills with the milliners, and swingive up those old habits, do we? It aling paterfamilias on the house bills. is ill to change. There is the good 9. The habit of keeping him waitold loose, easy, slovenly bedgown, ing for breakfast. laziness, for example. What man of 10. The habit of sneering at Mrs. sense likes to fling it off and put on a Brown and the Miss Browns, because tight guinde prim dress-coat that they are not quite du monde, or quite pinches him? There is the cosey so genteel as Lady Smith. wraprascal, self-indulgence how 11. The habit of keeping your
How warm! How it wretched father up at balls till five always seems to fit! You can walk o'clock in the morning, when he has to out in it; you can go down to dinner be at his office at eleven. in it. You can say of such what Tully 12. The habit of fighting with each says of his books: Pernoctat nobiscum, other, dear Louisa, Jane, Arabella, peregrinatur, rusticatur. It is a little Amelia. slatternly- it is a good deal stained 13. The habit of always ordering - it isn't becoming - it smells of John Coachman three-quarters of an cigar-smoke; but, allons donc ! let the hour before you want him. world call me idle and sloven. I love Such habits, I say, sir or madam, my ease better than my neighbor's if you have had to note in your diary opinion. I live to please myself; not of '61, I have not the slightest doubt you, Mr. Dandy, with your supercil- you will enter in your pocket-book of ious airs. I am a philosopher. Per-62. There are habits Nos. and 7, haps I live in my tub, and don't make for example. I am morally sure that any other use of it - We won't some of us will not give up those bad pursue further this unsavory meta- customs, though the women cry out phor; but, with regard to some of and grumble, and scold ever so justly, your old habits, let us say,
There are habits Nos. 9 and 13. 'I 1. The habit of being censorious, feel perfectly certain, my dear young and speaking ill of your neighbors. ladies, that you will continue to keep
2. The habit of getting into a pas- John Coachman waiting; that you sion with your man-servant, your will continue to give the most satisfacmaid-servant, your daughter, wife, tory reasons for keeping him waiting: &c.
and as for (9), you will show that you 3. The habit of indulging too much once (on the 1st of April last, let us at table.
say) came to breakfast first, and that 4. The habit of smoking in the you are always first in consequence. dinir g-room after dinner.
Yes; in our ’62 diaries, I fear we 5. The habit of spending insane may all of us make some of the '61 sums of money in bric-à-brac, tall entries. There is my friend Freecopies, binding, Elzevirs, &c.; '20 hand, for instance. (Aha! Master Port, outrageously fine horses, osten- Freehand, how you will laugh to find tatious entertainments, and what yourself here!) F. is in the habit of
spending a little, ever so little, more 6. The habit of screwing meanly, than his income. He shows you how when rich, and chuckling over the Mrs. Freehand works, and works saving of half a crown, whilst you (and, indeed, Jack Freehand, if you are poisoning your friends and family say she is an angel, you don't say too with bad wine.
much of her); how they toil, and 7. The habit of going to sleep im- how they mend, and patch, and mediately after dinner, instead of pinch; and how they can't live on cheerfully entertaining Mrs. Jones their means. And I very much fear and the family : or,
- nay, I will bet him half a bottle of 8. LADIES ! The habit of running Gladstone 14s. per dozen claret — that
the account which is a little on the nouncement considerably interests wrong side this year will be a little you; in which case, probably, you on the wrong side in the next ensu- have no need of the almanac-maker's ing year of grace.
printed reminder. If you look over A diary. Dies. Hodie. How poor Jack Reckless's note - book, queer to read are some of the entries amongst his memoranda of racing in the journal ! Here are the records odds given and taken, perhaps you of dinners eaten, and gone the way of may read :-“Nabbam's bill, due flesh. The lights burn blue some- 29th September, 1421. 15s. 6d." Let how, and we sit before the ghosts of us trust, as the day has passed, that victuals. Hark at the dead jokes re- the little transaction here noted has surging! Memory greets them with been satisfactorily terminated. If the ghost of a smile. Here are the you are paterfamilias, and a worthy lists of the individuals who have dined kind gentleman, no doubt you have at your own humble table. The marked down on your register, 17th agonies endured before and during December (say), “ Boys come home.” those entertainments are renewed, Ah, how carefully that blest day is and smart again. What a failure marked in their little calendars ! In that special grand dinner was! How my time it used to be, Wednesday, those dreadful occasional waiters did 13th November, “5 weeks from the break the old china! What a dismal holidays ;" Wednesday, 20th Novemhash poor Mary, the cook, made of BER, 4 weeks from the holidays; the French dish which she would try until sluggish time sped on, and we out of Francatelli ! How angry Mrs. came to WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMPope was at not going down to din- BER. O rapture! Do you remember ner before Mrs. Bishop! How Tri- pea-shooters? I think we only had malchio sneered at your absurd at- them on going home for holidays tempt to give a feast; and Harpagon from private schools, - - at public cried out at your extravagance and os- schools, men are too dignified.* And tentation ! How Lady Almack bullied then came that glorious announcethe other ladies in the drawing-room ment, Wednesday, 27th, " Papa took (when no gentlemen were present): us to the Pantomime;" or if not papa, never asked you back to dinner perhaps you condescended to go to the again : left her card by her footman : pit, under charge of the footman. and took not the slightest notice of That was near the end of the year your wife and daughters at Lady and mamma gave you a new Hustleby's assembly! On the other pocket-book, perhaps, with a little hand, how easy, cosey, merry, com-coin, God bless her, in the pocket. fortable, those little dinners were; And that pocket-book was for next got up at one or two days' notice; year, you know; and, in that pocketwhen everybody was contented; the book you had to write down that sad soup as clear as amber ; the wine as day, Wednesday, January 24th, eightgood as Trimalchio's own; and the een hundred and never mind what, people kept their carriages waiting, when Dr. Birch's young friends and would not go away till midnight! were expected to re-assemble.
Along with the catalogue of by Ah me! Every person who turns gone pleasures, balls, banquets, and this page over has his own little the like, which the pages record, diary, in paper or ruled in his memcomes a list of much more important ory tablets, and in which are set down occurrences, and remembrances of the transactions of the now dying graver import. On two days of year. Boys and men, we have Dives's diary are printed notices that our calendar, mothers and maidens. “Dividends are due at the Bank.” For example, in your calendar pocketLet us hope, dear sir, that this an- book, my good Éliza, what a sad, sad
day that is – how fondly and bitterly | ago it may be, and which she rememremembered - when your boy went bers only too well: the long nightoff to his regiment, to India, to dan- watch; the dreadful dawning and theger, to battle perhaps ! What a day rain beating at the pane; the infant was that last day at home, when the speechless, but moaning in its little tall brother sat yet amongst the family, crib; and then the awful calm, the the little ones round about him won awful smile on the sweet cherub face, dering at saddle-boxes, uniforms, when the cries have ceased, and the sword-cases, gun-cases, and other little suffering breast heaves no more. wonderous apparatus of war and Then the children, as they see their travel which poured in and filled the mother's face, remember this was the hall; the new dressing-case for the day on which their little brother died. beard not yet grown; the great sword- It was before they were born; but case at which little brother Tom she remembers it. And as they pray looks so admiringly! What a dinner together, it seems almost as if the that was, that last dinner, when little spirit of the little lost one was hoverand grown children assembled to ing round the group. So they pass gether, and all tried to be cheerful ! away : friends, kindred, the dearestWhat a night was that last night, loved, grown people, aged, infants. when the young ones were at roost As we go on the down-hill journey, for the last time together under the the mile-stones are grave-stones, and same roof, and the mother lay alone in each more and more names are in her chamber counting the fatal written; unless haply you live beyond hours as they tolled one after another, man's common age, when friends amidst her tears, her watching, her have dropped off, and tottering, and fond prayers ! What a night that feeble, and unpitied, you reach the was, and yet how quickly the melan- terminus alone. choly dawn came! Only too soon In this past year's diary is there the sun rose over the houses. And any precious day noted on which you now in a moment more the city seemed have made a new friend? This is a to wake. The house began to stir. piece of good fortune bestowed but The family gathers together for the grudgingly on the old. After a certain last meal. For the last time in the age a new friend is a wonder, like midst of them the widow kneels Sarah's child. Aged persons are amongst her kneeling children, and seldom capable of bearing friendships. falters a prayer in which she commits Do you remember how warmly you her dearest, her eldest born, to the loved Jack and Tom when you were care of the Father of all. O night, at school; what a passionate regard what tears you hide – what prayers you had for Ned when you were at you hear! And so the nights pass college, and the immense letters you and the days succeed, until that one wrote to each other? How often do comes when tears and parting shall be you write, now that postage costs
nothing? There is the age of blosIn your diary, as in mine, there are soms and sweet budding green : the days marked with sadness, not for age of generous summer; the autumn this year only, but for all. On a cer- when the leaves drop; and then wintain day- and the sun, perhaps, ter, shivering and bare. Quick, cbilshining ever so brightly- the house-dren, and sit at my feet : for they are mother comes down to her family cold, very cold : and it seems as if with a sad face, which scares the neither wine nor worsted will warm children round about in the midst of 'em. their laughter and prattle. They In this past year's diary is there may have forgotten -- but she has not any dismal day noted in which you -å day which came, twenty years have lost a friend? In mine there is.