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FITZ-BOODLE'S PROFESSIONS.

BEING APPEALS TO THE UNEMPLOYED YOUNGER SONS OF THE

NOBILITY.

FIRST PROFESSION. fashionable butchers of this world;

petitions would have poured in from The fair and honest proposition in Whitechapel salesmen; the speculatwhich I offered to communicate pri- ors panting to know the discovery; vately with parents and guardians, the cautious with stock in hand eager relative to two new and lucrative pro- to bribe me to silence, and prevent fessions which I had discovered, has, the certain depreciation of the goods I find from the publisher, elicited not which they already possessed. I one single inquiry from those person- should have dealt with them, not ages, who I can't but think are very greedily or rapaciously, but on honest little careful of their children's wel principles of fair barter.

« Gentlefare to allow such a chance to be men,” I should have said, or rather, thrown away. It is not for myself I " Gents” - which affectionate diminspeak, as my conscience proudly tells utive is, I am given to understand, at me; for though I actually gave up present much in use among commerAscot in order to be in the way cial persons — “Gents, my researches, should any father of a family be in- my genius, or my good fortune, have clined to treat with me regarding my brought me to the valuable discovery discoveries, yet I am grieved, not on about which you are come to treat. my own account, but on theirs, and Will you purchase it outright, or will for the wretched penny-wise policy you give the discoverer an honest that has held them back.

share of the profits resulting from That they must feel an interest in your speculation ? My position in my announcement is unquestionable. the world puts me out of the power Look at the way in which the public of executing the vast plan I have prints of all parties have noticed my formed, but 'twill be a certain fortune appearance in the character of a lite- to him who engages in it; and why rary man! Putting aside my per- should not I, too, participate in that sonal narrative, look at the offer I fortune?' made to the nation, - a choice of no Such would have been my manner less than two new professions ! Sup- of dealing with the world, too, with pose I had invented as many new regard to my discovery of the new kinds of butcher's-meat; does any one professions. Does not the world pretend that the world, tired as it is want new professions ? Are there of the perpetual recurrence of beef, not thousands of well-educated men mutton, veal, cold beef, cold veal, cold panting, struggling, pushing, starvmutton, hashed ditto, would not have ing, in the old ones? Grim tenants jumped eagerly at the delightful in- of chambers looking out for attorneys telligence that their old, stale, stupid who never come ? — wretched physimeals were about to be varied at cians practising the stale joke of being last?

called out of church until people no Of course people would have come longer think fit even to laugh or to forward. I should have had deputa- pity? Are there not hoary-headed tions from Mr. Gibletts and the midshipmen, antique ensigns growing

mouldy upon fifty years' half-pay? | the street and informed me of these Nay, are there not men who would pay facts with a smiling countenance, any thing to be employed rather than which I thought a master-piece of diremain idle ? But such is the glut plomacy. Fortune had been belaborof professionals, the horrible cut- ing and kicking him for ten whole throat competition among them, that years, and here he was grinning in my there is no chance for one in a thou- face; could Monsieur de Talleyrand sand, be he ever so willing, or brave, have acted better? "I have given up or clever : in the great ocean of life diplomacy,” said Protocol, quite simhe makes a few strokes, and puffs, ply and good - humoredly, for beand sputters, and sinks, and the in- tween you and me, my good fellow, numerable waves overwhelm him, and it's a very slow profession; sure perhe is heard of no inore.

haps, but slow. But though I gained Walking to my banker's t'other no actual pecuniary remuneration in day — and I pledge my sacred honor the service, I have learned all the this story is true -I met a young languages in Europe, which will be infellow whom I had known attaché valuable to me in my new professionto an embassy abroad, a young man the mercantile one in which directof tolerable parts, unwearied patience, ly I looked out for a post I found one.' with some fortune too, and, moreover, “What! and a good pay ?” said I. allied to a noble Whig family, whose “Why, no; that's absurd, you interest had procured him his appoint- know. No young men, strangers to ment to the legation at Krähwinkel, business, are paid much to speak of. where I knew him. He remained for Besides, I don't look to a paltry clerk's ten years a diplomatic character ; he pay. Some day, when thoroughly was the working-man of the legation : acquainted with the business (I shall he sent over the 'most diffuse trans- learn it in about seven years), I shall lations of the German papers for the go into a good house with my capital, use of the Foreign Secretary: he and become junior partner.” sigrted passports with most aston .“ And meanwhile?ishing ardor ; he exiled himself for “Meanwhile I conduct the foreign ten long years in a wretched German correspondence of the eminent house town, dancing attendance at court- of Jam, Ram, and Johnson : and very balls, and paying no end of money heavy it is, I can tell you. From for uniforms. And for what? At nine till six every day, except foreign the end of the ten years - during post days, and then from nine, till which period of labor he never re-eleven. Dirty dark court to sit in: ceived a single shilling from the snobs to talk to, - great change, as Government which employed him you may fancy." (rascally spendthrift of a Government, “And you do all this for nothing?" va!), - he was offered the paid attaché “I do it to learn the business.' ship to the court of H. M. the King of And so saying Protocol gave me a the Mosquito Islands, and refused that knowing nod, and went his way. appointment a week before the Whig Good heavens! I thought, and is Ministry retired. Then he knew that this a true story? Are there hunthere was no further chance for him, dreds of young men in a similar situand incontinently quitted the diplo-ation at the present day, giving away matic service forever, and I have no the best years of their youth for doubt will sell his uniform a bargain. the sake of a mere windy hope The Government had him a bargain of something in old age, and dycertainly ; nor is he by any means ing before they come to the goal ? ihe first person who has been sold at In seven years, he hopes to have a that price.

business, and then to have the pleasWell, my worthy friend met me in / ure of risking his money? He will

be admitted into some great house for the smallest chance of success at as a particular favor, and three months some future period. Well, then, I after the house will fail. Has it not will be a benefactor to my race, if I happened to a thousand of our ac- cannot be to one single member of it, quaintance? I thought I would run whom I love better than most men. after him and tell him about the new What I have discovered I will make professions that I have invented. known; there shall be no shilly-shally

“Oh! ay ! those you wrote about in ing work here, no circumlocution, no *Fraser's Magazine.' Egad! George, bottle-conjuring business. But, oh! Necessity makes strange fellows of I wish for all our sakes that I had us all. Who would ever have thought had an opportunity to impart the seof you spelling, much more writing?” cret to one or two persons only; for,

* Never mind that. Will you, if I after all, but one or two can live in tell you of a new profession, that, with the manner I would suggest. And a little cleverness and instruction when the discovery is made known, I from me, you may bring to a most am sure ten thousand will try. The successful end — will you, I say, make rascals ! I can see their brass plates me a fair return?'

gleaming over scores of doors. Com“My dear creature,” replied young petition will ruin my professions, as Protocol, “what nonsense you talk ! it has all others. I saw that very humbug in the mag It must be premised that the two azine. You say you have made a professions are intended for gentlegreat discovery – very good ; you men, and gentlemen only — men of puff your discovery very right; birth and education. No others you ask money for it — nothing can could support the parts which they be more reasonable; and then you will be called upon to play. say that you intend to make your And, likewise, it must be honestly discovery public in the next number confessed, that these professions have, of the Magazine. Do you think I to a certain degree, been exercised will be such a fool as to give you before. Do not cry out at this and. money for a thing which I can have say it is no discovery! I say it is a next month for nothing ? Good-by, discovery. It is a discovery if I show George, my boy; the next discovery you - a gentleman - a profession you make, I'll tell you how to get a which you may exercise without derobetter price for it." And with this gation, or loss of standing, with cer.. the fellow walked off, looking su- tain profit, nay, possibly with honor, premely knowing and clever. and of which, until the reading of

This tale of the person I have called this present page, you never thought Protocol is not told without a pur- but as of a calling beneath your rank pose, you may be sure. In the first and quite below your reach. Sir, I place, it shows what are the reasons do not mean to say that I create a prothat nobody has made application to fession. I cannot create gold; but me concerning the new professions, if, when discovered, I find the means namely, because I have passed my of putting it in your pocket, do I or word to make them known in this do I not deserve credit ? Magazine, which persons may have I see you sneer contemptuously for the purchasing, stealing, borrow- when I mention to you the word ing, or hiring, and, therefore, they AUCTIONEER.

“Is this all,” you will never think of applying person- say,

“ that this fellow brags and ally to me. And, secondly, his story prates about ? An auctioneer, forproves also my assertion, viz., that all sooth! he might as well have “inprofessions are most cruelly crowded vented' chimney-sweeping." at present, and that men will make No such thing. A little boy of the most absurd outlay and sacrifices seven, be he ever so low of birth, can

do this as well as you. Do you sup- serving gentle dames without dispose that little stolen Master Mon- grace, handing my lord's rose-water tague made a better sweeper than the to wash, or holding his stirrup as he lowest bred chummy that yearly mounted for the chase. A page, forcommemorates his release ? No, sir. sooth! A pretty figure would George And he might have been ever so Fitz-Boodle or any other man of fashmuch a genius or a gentleman, and ion cut, in a jacket covered with sugarnot have been able to make his trade loafed buttons, and handing in pennyrespectable.

post notes on a silver tray. The plebs But all such trades as can be ren- have robbed us of that trade among dered decent the aristocracy has others: nor, I confess, do I much adopted one by one. At first they grudge them their trouvaille. Neither followed the profession of arms, can we collect together a few scores of fouting all others as unworthy, and free lances, like honest Hugh Calverthinking it ungentlemanlike to know ly, in the Black Prince's time, or how to read or write. They did not go brave Harry Butler of Wallenstein's into the church in very early days, dragoons, and serve this or that prince, till the money to be got from the Peter the Cruel or Henry of Trastachurch was strong enough to tempt mare, Gustavus or the Emperor, at them. It is but of later years that our leisure; or, in default of service, they have condescended to go to the fight and rob on our own gallant acbar, and since the same time only that count, as the good gentlemen of old we see some of them following trades. did. Alas! no. In South America I know an English lord's son who or Texas, perhaps, a man might have is, or was, a wine-merchant (he may a chance that way; but in the ancient have been a bankrupt for what I world no man can fight except in the know). As for bankers, several part- king's service (and a mighty bad serners in banking-houses have four balls vice that is too), and the lowest Euto their coronets, and I have no ropean sovereign, were it Baldomero doubt that another sort of banking, Espartero himself, would think nothviz., that practised by gentlemen who ing of seizing the best-born condotlend small sums of money upon de- tieře that ever drew sword, and shootposited securities, will be one day fol- ing him down like the yulgarest delowed by the noble order, so that serter. they may have four balls on their What, then, is to be done? We coronets and carriages, and three in must discover fresh fields of enterfront of their shops.

prise - of peaceable and commercial Yes, the nobles come peoplewards enterprise in a peaceful and commeras the people, on the other hand, rise cial age. I say, then, that the aucand mingle with the nobles. With tioneer's pulpit has never yet been the plebs, of course, Fitz-Boodle, in ascended by a scion of the aristocracy, whose veins flows the blood of a and am prepared to prove that they thousand kings, can have nothing to might scale it, and do so with dignity do; but, watching the progress of the and profit. world, 'tis impossible to deny that the For the auctioneer's pulpit is just good old days of our race are passed the peculiar place where a man of away. We want money still, as much social refinement, of elegant wit, of as ever we did; but we cannot go polite perceptions, can bring his wit, down from our castles with horse and his eloquence, his taste, and his expesword and waylay fat merchants — rience of life, most delightfully into no, no, confounded new policemen play. It is not like the bar, where and the assize-courts prevent that. the better and higher qualities of a Younger brothers cannot be pages to man of fashion find no room for exnoble houses, as of old they were, I ercise. In defending John Jorrocks

in an action of trespass, for cutting commerce or use can be better appre. down a stick in Sam Snooks's field, ciated by persons in a different rank of what powers of mind do you require ? life to his.

- powers of mind, that is, which Mr. But there are a thousand cases in Sergeant Snorter, a butcher's son with which a gentleman only can do jusa great loud voice, a sizar at Cam- tice to the sale of objects which the bridge, a wrangler, and so forth, does necessity or convenience of the gennot possess as well as yourself ? teel world may require to change Snorter has never been in decent soci- hands. All articles properly called ety in his life. He thinks the bar-mess of taste should be put under his the most fashionable assemblage in charge. Pictures, - he is a travelled Europe, and the jokes of "grand man, has seen and judged the best day” the ne plus ultra of wit. Snorter galleries of Europe, and can speak of lives near Russell Square, eats beef them as a common person cannot. and Yorkshire-pudding, is a judge of For, mark you, you must have the port-wine, is in all social respects your confidence of your society, you must inferior. Well, it is ten to one but in be able to be familiar with them, to the case of Snooks v. Jorrocks, before plant a happy mot in a graceful manmentioned, he will be a better advo- ner, to appeal to my lord or the duchcate than you; he knows the law of ess in such a modest, easy, pleasant the case entirely, and better probably 'way as that her grace should not be than you. He can speak long, loud, hurt by your allusion to her — nay, to the point, grammatically — more amused (like the rest of the company) grammatically than you, no doubt, by the manner in which it was done. will condescend to do. In the case of What is more disgusting than the Snooks v. Jorrocks he is all that can familiarity of a snob? What more be desired. And so about dry dis- loathsome than the swaggering quackputes, respecting real property, he ery of some present holders of the knows the law; and, beyond this, has hammer? There was a late sale, for no more need to be a gentleman than instance, which made some noise in my body-servant has — who, by the the world (I mean the late Lord Gimway, from constant intercourse with crack's, at Dilberry Hill). Ah! what the best society, is almost a gentle- an opportunity was lost there! I deman. But this is apart from the clare solemnly that I believe, but for question.

the absurd quackery and braggadocio Now, in the matter of auctioneer- of the advertisements, much more ing, this, I apprehend, is not the case, money would have been bid; people and I assert that a high-bred gentle were kept away by the vulgar trumman, with good powers of mind and peting of the anctioneer, and could not speech, must, in such a profession, help thinking the things were worthmake a fortune. I do not mean in all less that were so outrageously lauded. auctioneering matters. I do not

They say that sort of Bartholomewmean that such a person should be fair advocacy (in which people are called upon to sell the good-will of a invited to an entertainment by the public-house, or discourse about the medium of a hoarse yelling beef-eater, value of the beer-barrels, or bars with twenty-four drums, and a jack-pudpewter fittings, or the beauty of a ding turning head over heels) is absotrade doing a stroke of so many hogs- lutely necessary to excite the public heads a week. I do not ask a gentle attention. What an error! I say man to go down and sell pigs, ploughs, that the refined individual so accosted and cart-horses, at Stoke Pogis; or to is more likely to close his ears, and, enlarge at the Auction-Rooms, Wap- shuddering, run away from the booth. ping, upon the beauty of “ The Lively Poor Horace Waddlepoodle! to think Sally" schooner. These articles of that thy gentle accumulation of bric

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