YOU well know it is of great confequence to clear titles, and it is of importance that it be done in the proper feafon: on which account this is to affire you, that the club of Ugly Faces was inftituted originally at Cambridge in the merry reign of King Charles H. As in great bodies of men it is not difficult to find members enough for fuch a club, fo, I remember, it was then feared, upon their intention of dining together, that the hall belonging to Clare Hall, the ugliest then in the town, though now the neateft, would not be large enough handfomely to hold the company. Invitations were made to great numbers, but very few accepted them without much difficulty. One pleaded that being at London in a bookfeller's fhop, a lady going by with a great belly longed to kits him. He had certainly been excufed, but that evidence appeared, that indeed one in Lon don did pretend the longed to kifs him, but that it was only a Pickpocket, who during his kiffing her ftole away all his money. Another would have got off by a dimple in his chin; but it was proved upon him, that he had, by coming into a room, made a woman mifcarry, and frightened two children into fits. A third alledged, that he was taken by a lady for another gentleman, who was one of the handfor eft in the university; but upon enquiry it was found that the Jady had actually loft one eye, and the other was very much upon the decline. A fourth produced letters out of the country in his vindication, in which a gentleman offered him his daughter, who had lately fallen in love with him, with a good fortune: but it was made appear that the young lady was amorous, and had like to have run away with her father's coachman, fo that it was fuppofed, that her pretence of talling in love with him was only in order to be well married. It was pleasant to hear the feveral excufts which were made, infomuch that fome made as much intereft to be excufed as they would from ferving theriff; however, at laft the fociety was formed, and proper officers were appointed: and the day was fixed for the entertainment, which was in Veniton Seaton. A pleatant fellow of King's College, commonly called Crab from his four look, and the only man who did not pretend to get off, was

nominated for chaplain; and nothing was wanting, but fome one to fit in the elbow-chair, by way of Prefident, at the upper end of the table; and there the bufinefs ftuck, for there was no contention for fuperiority there. This affair made fo great a noife, that the King, who was then at Newmarket, heard of it, and was pleafed merrily and graciously to fay, He could not be there himfelf, but he would fend them a brace of bucks.

I would defire you, Sir, to fet this affair in a true light, that posterity may not be mifled in fo important a point: for when the wife man who shall write 6 your true hiftory' fhall acquaint the world, that you had a Diploma fent from the Ugly Club at Oxford, and that by virtue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned work will there be among future critics about the original of that club, which both univerfities will contend fo warmly for! And perhaps fome hardy Cantabrigian author may then boldly affirm, that the word Oxford was an interpolation of some Oxonian inftead of Cambridge. This affair will be heft adjusted in your lifetime; but I hope your affe&tion to your Mother will not make you partial fo your Aunt.

To tell you, Sir, my own opinion: though I cannot find any ancient records of any acts of the Society of the Ugly Faces, confidered in a public capacity, yet in a, private one they have certainly antiquity on their fide. I am perfuaded they will hardly give place to the Loungers; and the Loungers are of the fanie tanding with the university itfelf.

Though we well know, Sir, you want no motives to do juftice, yet I am commiffioned to tell you, that you are invited to be admitted ad eundem at

Cambridge; and I believe I may venture fafely to deliver this as the wish of our whole univerfity.

hardly any man alive who hath not injured us. Nay, we speak it with forrow, even you yourself, whom we should fufpect of fuch a practice the last of all mankind,' can hardly acquit yourself of having given us fome caufe of complaint. We are defcended of ancient families, and kept up our dignity and honour many years, till the Jack-fprat That fupplanted us. How often have we found ourfelves flighted by the clergy in their pulpits, and the lawyers at the bar! Nay, how often have we heard in one of the most polite and august assemblies in the univerfe, to our great mortification, thefe words- That That that noble lord urged!' which, if one of us had had juftice done, would have founded nobler thus: That Which that noble lord urged.' Senates themselves, the guardians of British liberty, have degraded us, and preferred That to us; and yet no decree was ever given against us. In the very acts of parliament, in which the utmost right should he done to every Body, Word, and Thing, we find ourselves often either not ufed, or ufed one inttead of another. In the firit and beft prayer children are taught, they learn to mifufe us. Our Father Which art in heaven,' fhould be Our Father Who art in Heaven;' and even a Convocation, after long de

I

bates, refused to confent to an alteration of it. In our general confeffion we fay Spare thou them, O God, Which confefs their faults; which ought to be- Who confefs their faults." What hopes then have we of having justice done us, when the makers of our very prayers and laws, and the moft learned in all faculties, feem to be in a confederacy against us, and our enemies themselves mult be our judges.

The Spanish proverb fays- El fabia muda confejo, el necio no; i. e. A wife man changes his mind, a fool never will.' So that we think you, Sir, a very proper person to addrefs te, fince we know you to be capable of being convinced, and changing your judg ment. You are well able to fettle this affair, and to you we submit our caufe. We defire you to aflign the butts and bounds of each of us; and that for the future we may both enjoy our own. We would defire to be heard by our counfel, but that we fear in their very pleadings they would betray our caufe: beides, we have been oppreffled so many years, that we can appear no other way, but in forma pauperis. All which confidered, we hope you will be pleased to do that which to right and justice fhall appertain.

R

And your Petitioners, &c.

HOR. EP. I. XVI. 51.

Have received very many letters of late, from my female correfpondents, moft of whom are very angry with me for abridging their pleafures, and looking feverely upon things in themfelves indifferent. But I think they are extremely unjust to me in this imputation; all that I contend for is, that thofe excellencies, which are to be regarded but in the fecond place, fhould not precede more weighty confiderations. The heart of man deceives bim in fpite of the lectures of half a life fpent in difcourfes on the fubjection of paffion; and I do not know why one may not think the heart of woman as unfaithful to itself. If we grant an equality in the faculties of

CREECH.

both fexes, the minds of women are less cultivated with precepts, and coniequently may, without diffefpect to them, be accounted more liable to illufion in cafes wherein natural inclination is out of the interests of virtue. I fhall take up my prefent time in commenting upon a billet or two which came from ladies, and from thence leave the reader to judge whether I am in the right or not, in thinking it is poffible fine womenmay be miltaken.

The following addrefs feems to have no other defign in it, but to tell me the writer will do what the pleafes for all me,

MR.

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MF. SPECTATOR,

Am young, and very much inclined to follow the paths of innocence; but at the fame time, as I have a plentiful fortune, and am of quality, I am unwilling to refign the pleatures of diftinetion, fome little fatisfaction in being admired in general, and much greater in being beloved by a gentleman, whom I defign to make my husband. But I have a mind to put off entering into matrimony till another winter is over my head, which, whatever, mufty Sir, you may think of the matter, I defign to pafs away in hearing mufic, going to plays, visiting, and all other fatisfactions which fortune and youth, protected by innocence and virtue, can procure for, Sir, your most humble -fervant, M. T.

My lover does not know I like him; therefore, having no engagements upon me, I think to stay and know whether I may not like any one elfe better.

I have heard Will. Honeycomb fay
A woman feldom writes her mind but

in her poftfcript.' I think this gentlewoman has fufficiently difcovered hers in this. I'll lay what wager fhe pleafes against her prefent favourite, and can tell her that he will like ten more before the is fixed, and then will take the worft man fhe ever liked in her life. There is no end of affection taken in at the eyes only; and you may as well fatisfy thofe eyes with feeing, as control any paffion received by them only. It is from loving by fight that coxcombs fo frequently fucceed with women, and very often a young lady is beftowed by her parents to a man who weds her as innocence itself, though he has in her own heart, given her approbation of a different man in every aflembly the was in the whole year before. What is wanting among women, as well as among men, is the love of laudable things, and not to reft only in the forbearance of fuch as are reproachful.

How far removed from a woman of this light imagination is Eudofia! Eudofia has all the arts of life and good breeding with fo much eafe, that the virtue of her conduct locks more like an inftin&t than choice. It is as little difficult to her to think justly of perfons and things, as it is to a woman of different accomplishments to move ill or

look aukward. That which was, at first, the effect of inftruction, is grown into an habit; and it would be as hard for Eudofia to indulge a wrong fuggeftion of thought, as it would be for Flavia, the fine dancer, to come into a room with an unbecoming air.

But the mifapprehenfions people themfelves have of their own ftate of mind, is laid down with much difcerning in the following letter, which is but an extract of a kind epiftle from my charming miftrefs Heccatiffa, who is above the vanity of external beauty, and is the better judge of the perfections of the

mind.

MR. SPECTATOR,

I
Write this to acquaint you, that very
many ladies as well as myfelf, spend
many hours more than we ufed at the
glafs, for want of the female library of
which you promised us a catalogue. I
hope, Sir, in the choice of authors for
us, you will have a particular regard to
books of devotion. What they are, and
how many, muft be your chief care; for
upon the propriety of fuch writings de-
pends a great deal. I have known
thofe among us who think, if they every
morning and evening fpend an hour in
their clofct, and read over fo many
prayers in fix or feven books of devo-
tion, all equally nonfenfical, with a fort
of warmth, that might as well be raised
by a glafs of wine, or a dram of citron,
they may all the rest of their time go on
in whatever their particular paffion leads
them to. The beauteous Philautia, who
is, in your language, an Idol, is one of
thefe votaries; the has a very pretty fur-
nifhed clofet, to which the retires at her
appointed hours: this is her drefling-
room as well as chapel;, fhe has con-
ftantly before her a large locking-glais,
and upon the table, according to a very
witty author-

Together lie her prayer-book and paint,
At once t' improve the finner and the faint,

It must be a good fcene, if one could be prefent at it, to fee this Idol by turns lift up her eyes to heaven, and steal glances at her own dear perfon. It cannot but be a pleafing conflict between vanity and humiliation.

When you

are upon this fubject, chufe books which elevate the mind above the world, and give a pleafing indifference to little things in it. For want of fuch inftructions, I

am apt to believe fo many people take it in their heads to be fullen, cross, and angry, under pretence of being abstracted from the affairs of this life, when at the fame time they betray their fondne's for them by doing their duty as a talk, and pouting and reading good books for a week together. Much of this I take to proceed from the indifcretion of the books themfelves, whofe very titles of Weekly Preparations, and fach limited godlinefs, lead people of ordinary capacities into great errors, and raife in them a mechanical religion, intirely diftin&t from morality. I know a lady fo given up to this fort of devotion, that though the employs fix or eight hours of the twenty-four at cards, fhe never miffes one contant hour of prayer, for which time another holds her cards, to which the returns with no little anxioufnefs till two or three in the morning. All these acts are but empty fhows, and, as it were, compliments made to virtue; the mind is all the while

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untouched with any true pleasure in the pursuit of it. From hence I prefume it arifes that fo many people call themfelves virtuous from no other pretence to it but abfence of ill. There is Dulcianara is the most infolent of all creatures to her friends and domeftics, upon no other pretence in nature but that, as her filly phrafe is, no one can fay black is her eye. She has no fecrets, forfooth, which should make her afraid to fpeak her mind, and therefore the is impertinently blunt to all her acquaintance, and unfeasonably imperious to all her family. Dear Sir, be pleafed to put fuch books in our hands, as may make our virtue more inward, and convince fome of us that in a mind truly virtuous the fcorn of vice is always accompanied with the pity of it. This and other things are impatiently expected from you by our whole fex; among the reft by, Sir, your most hum ble fervant, R

B. D.

HOR, EP. I. XI. 27.

'N the year 1688, and on the fame day of that year, were born in Cheapfide, London, two females of exquifite feature and fhape; the one we fhall call Brunetta, the other Phillis. A clofe intimacy between their parents made each of them the firft acquaintance the other knew in the world: they played, dreffed babies, acted vifitings, learned to dance and make curties, together. They were infeparable companions in all the little entertainments their tender years were capable of: which innocent happiness continued till the beginning of their fifteenth year, when it happened that Mrs. Phillis had an head-drefs on, which became her fo very well, that inftead of being beheld any more with pleasure for their amity to each other, the eyes of the neighbourhood were turned to remark them with comparifon of their beauty. They now no longer enjoyed the ease of mind and pleafing indolence in which they were formerly happy, but all their words and actions were misinterpreted by each other, and

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every excellence in their fpeech and behaviour was looked upon as an act of emulation to furpafs the other. Thefe beginnings of difinclination foon improved into a formality of behaviour, a general coldness, and by natural steps into an irreconcileable hatred.

Thefe two rivals for the reputation of beauty, were in their ftature, countenance, and mien, fo very much alike, that if you were fpeaking of them in their abfence, the words in which you defcribed the one must give you an idea of the other. They were hardly diftinguifhable, you would think, when they were apart, though extremely different when together. What made their enmity the more entertaining to all the reft of their fex was, that in detraction from each other neither could fall upon terins which did not hit herself as much as her adverfary. Their nights grew reftiefs with meditation of new drefles to outvie each other, and inventing new devices to recal admirers, who observed the charms of the one rather than thofe

of

of the other on the last meeting. Their colours failed at each other's appearance, flushed with pleasure at the report of a difadvantage, and their countenances withered upon inftances of applaufe. The decencies to which women are obliged, made thefe virgins ftifle their refentment fo far as not to break into open violences, while they equally fuffered the torments of a regulated anger. Their mothers, as it is ufual, engaged in the quarrel, and fupported the feveral pretenfions of the daughters with all that ill-chofen fort of expence which is common with people of plentiful fortunes and mean taste. The girls preceded their parents like queens of May, in all the gaudy colours imaginable, on every Sunday to church, and were expofed to the examination of the audience for fuperiority of beauty.

During this conftant (truggle, it happened, that Phillis one day at public prayers fmote the heart of a gay WeftIndian, who appeared in all the colours which can affect an eye that could not diftinguish between being fine and taudry. This American in a fummeritland fuit was too flining and too gay to be refifted by Philiis, and too intent upon her charms to be diverted by any of the laboured attractions of Brunetta. Soon after, Brunetta had the mortification to fee her rival difpofed of in a wealthy marriage, while the was only addreffed to in a manner that shewed the was the admiration of all men, but the choice of none. Phillis was carried to the habitation of her spouse in Barbadoes: Brunetta had the ill-nature to inquire for her by every opportunity, and had the misfortune to hear of her being attended by numerous flaves, fanned into flumbers by fucceflive hands of them, and carried from place to place in all the pomp of barbarous magnificence. Brunetta could not endure thefe repeated advices, but employed all her arts and charms in laying baits for any of condition of the fame ifland, cut of a mere ambition to confront her once more before she died. She at laft fucceeded in her defign, and was taken to wife by a gentleman whofe eftate was contiguous to that of her enemy's hufband. It would be endlefs to enumerate the many occafions on which thefe irreconcilable beauties laboured to excel each other; but in procefs of time it happened that a fhip put into the island

configned to a friend of Phillis, whe had directions to give her the refufal of all goods for apparel, before Brunetta could be alarmed of their arrival. He did fo, and Phillis was dressed in a few days in a brocade more gorgeous and coftly than had ever before appeared in that latitude. Brunetta languished at the fight, and could by no means come up to the bravery of her antagonist. She communicated her anguish of mind to a faithful friend, who, by an intereft in the wife of Phillis's merchant, procured a remnant of the fame filk for Brunetta. Phillis took pains to appear in all public places where the was fure to meet Brunetta; Brunetta was now prepared for the infult, and came to a public ball in a plain black filk mantua, attended by a beautiful negro girl in petticoat of the fame brocade with which Phillis was attired. This drew the attention of the whole company, upon which the unhappy Philis fwooned away, and was immediately conveyed to her houfe. As foon as the came to hertelf, the fled from her husband's houfe, went on board a ship in the road, and is now landed in inconfolable defpair at Plymouth.

TO MR. SPECTATOR. THE JUST REMONSTRANCE OF AJFRONTED THAT.

THOUGH I deny not the petition of Mr. Who and Which, yet you fhould not fuffer them to be rude and to call honelt people names: for that bears very hard on fome of those rules of decency, which you are juftly famous for establishing. They may find fault, and correct fpeeches in the fenate and at the bar: but let them try to get themfelves fo often, and with fo much eloquence repeated in a sentence, as a great orator doth frequently introduce me.

My Lords,' fays he, with humble fubmiffion, That that I fay is this: that, That, that that gentleman has advanced, is not That that he should have proved to your lordships.' Let thofe two queftionary petitioners try to do thus with their Whos and their Whiches.

What