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CLIENT. “I have it! I knew I had it at my tongue's end. It's Bitters !"
LAWYER. “Bitters! are you sure? Bitters is a curious name. I never heard of it before."
CLIENT. “Yes, it's Bitters-I know it's Bitters."
Client. “Yes it is-I am positive. Bitters is the man."
LAWYER. “Isn't it Butters? There is such a name as Butters; or isn't it Betts, or Beattie ?”
Client. “No! I tell you it's Bitters !"
The lawyer, thus so positively reassured, proceeded to draw up the agreement accordingly. He then handed it to his client, who read down to the name “Bitters," and then exclaimed:
"Good gracious! the name isn't Bitters, after all! It's Stoughton, as true as I'm alive!"
It is easy to see how the man was misled by the two words. It is barely possible, however, that he may have been a little befogged in his memory by having previously taken a little something--and a little too much--with his “ Stoughton Bitters.”
“It was rather solemn ; quite touching, alas!
As she got on a stool to be higher,
Yes, entire !
With as much as you please of a linger,
Till we saw that sign from her father,
And he was a man of that stamp,
Ay, a scamp !
As a poet makes up into verses ;
Were curses !
And the delicate foot, with a twirl,
Would it not be a good plan to substitute for the A CORRESPONdent in Washington sends for in. modern custom of duelling (under the miscalled sertion in the “Drawer" the following account of " code of honor") with pistols, rifles, or swords, the “Mr. Schenck in the Ministry," which we quite plan adopted in Kordasan? It is as follows: agree with him in thinking is “altogether too good
"When a gentleman of that nation considers to be lost : himself aggrieved, he sends the offender a formal “Every one who has heard Hon. Robert C. challenge, which, it is presumed, is always accepted. Schenck speak for the first time, in a case where The duel takes place on some open plain, and all the his feelings were deeply interested, knows what a friends of the combatants assemble as spectators. vivid impression his withering sarcasm and impas.
“An agareb, or couch, is then brought forth, and sioned manner are calculated to produce upon perthe two combatants place a foot close to the edge sons unaccustomed to listen to animated debates. of the couch, the breadth of which alone divides “An unsophisticated Methodist farmer, who them. A formidable whip, made of Hippopotamus lived in a distant portion of the country, and whose leather, is then placed in the hands of each, and avocation seldom called him to Court,' accidentrenewed attempts are made by their friends to really heard that Mr. Schenck was appointed Minconcile them. If, however, they are bent on carry-ister to Brazil,' a country in South America. The ing out their "affair of honor,' the signal for battle terms minister,' and 'preacher of the gospel,' 18 at last given. He who is entitled to the first were inseparably associated in his mind; and he blow, then inflicts as hard a lash as he can on his took it for granted that Mr. Schenck had turned opponent, who stands perfectly still to receive the preacher, and had seen sent off on a professional compliment, and then prepares to return it.
'mission.' "They thus continue, 'turn and turn about,' to “With this impression he went home. Wife,' flog each other's backs and shoulder (the head he said, what do you think I heard at Dayton, tomust on no account be struck), while the blood flows day? That little white-headed lawyer you have copiously at every stroke. Not an acknowledgment heard me speak of so often, has been converted, of pain escapes the lips of either, and all the spec and turned preacher to a heathen nation away down tators remain equally mute. This continues until in South America! If the Devil ever met his match, one of the combatants, generally from sheer ex. I guess he has got him now; for if grace don't haustion, drops his instrument of torture, where change him too inuch, he will give no rest to the upon the victor immediately does the same. reprobate for the sole of his foot until he leaves
“The rivals now shake hands, declaring that the country!'” they have received sufficient satisfaction'; their friends congratulate them on the reconciliation ; An amusing anecdote, connected with the celetheir wounds are washed, and sundry jugs of me brated Whisky Insurrection of Pennsylvania, is nesa,' the national beverage, provided beforehand, related of one of the citizen-soldiers in the expediare produced, and emptied by the spectators in tion of the Macpherson Blues against the insurgents honor of the gallant opponents."
in 1794, which is worthy of being recorded. The This seems to be administering equal and ex-person referred to was a German by birth, of the act justice;" and the “style” is like the play of name of Koch, who was well known in Philadel* Cutting jackets," by which country boys sometimes | phia as a large out-door underwriter, in his day test each other's prowess.
and generation. He died in Paris, leaving a fortune
of over a million and a half of dollars. A WO-BEGONE lover, “out at the pockets," and Koch was a private in the Macpherson Blues. do ubtful of success in the end, is a sad “subject;" | It fell to his lot one night to be placed sentinel over as may be abundantly gleaned from the subjoined a baggage-wagon. The weather was cold, raw, pathetic lines :
stormy, and wet. This set the sentinel to musing. ** I am down in the mouth, I am out at the pockets !
After remaining at his post for an hour, he was Ah, me! I've no pockets at all :
heard calling out lustily : And all I have left, is a braid and a locket :
“Gorpral of der Guartz! Gorpral of der That's all. | Guartz !"
The Corporal came, and inquired what was mother; while the husband of the latter is the father. wanting. Koch “ wished to be relieved for a few in-law of his mother-in-law, and father-in-law of minutes," having "something to say to Macpher- his own father!" son."
This “reads” almost as puzzlingly as the ques. He was gratified, and in a few moments stood in tion asked of an American by a waggish Englishpresence of the General.
man : “Well, Mr. Koch, what is your pleasure ?” ask-' “Can a man, in America, marry the sister of his ed Macpherson.
widow ?” “Why, General, I likes to know what may be “O) yes,” was the reply; "it's a matter of very der value of der wagon over which I am der shen- frequent occurrence." tinel ?”
"Indeed! Well, in our country it is quite dif“How should I know, Koch ?" asked the Gen- ferent. It is never done there, although it is not eral.
against the law !” “Well, somet'ing like it not to be bartick'ler ?" “Well-a thousand dollars, perhaps."
ONE cold winter evening a knot of village wor“ Very well, General Macpherson; I writes a thies were convened around the stove of a country check for der moneys, and den I shall go to my store, in a Western town, warming their fingers beds !"
by the stove-pipe, and telling stories and cracking
jokes. The schoolmaster, the blacksmith, and A CAPITAL hit at the snobby English often to be the barber, and the constable, and the storekeeper, found traveling in Italy, is contained in the annex and the clerk, all were there. ed letter from a “man of leather" in London, writ. After they had drunk cider and smoked cigars to ing from the “Hôtel de l'Europe,” in Rome, to his their hearts' content, and when all the current toppartner in “the city :"
ics of the day had been exhausted, the schoolmas"I see Blink, Twist, and Co. have failed. Don't ter proposed a new kind of game to relieve the mo. accept less than seven shillings in the pound. Our notony of the evening. Each one was to propound account is £2861. Leathers, I see, are up.
a puzzle to his neighbors ; and whoever should ask “I'm a melancholy man. But when you're at a question that he himself could not solve, was to Rome you must do as Rome do, which aint much, pay the cider-reckoning for the entire party. except ruinationing all over. You know the crack The idea took at once; and the schoolmaster, things here are the Pope and his toe, and the Foo" by virtue of his office," called on Dick Drum, and the Coliseum, which is in the shape of whom most folks thought a fool, and a few a knave, the oval box-bed before old Twist's house at Pen- / to put the first question. tonville. I say, confound Mrs. Starke, who wrote “Wal, neighbors,” said Dick, drawling out his the Guide-Book. She's the author of half my mis- words, and looking ineffably dull and stupid, ery ; pinting out all them old ancient buildings, “You've seen where squirrels dig their holes, about which some people cipher all day ; but for haven't you? Can any of you tell me the reason me, it's like casting a paid account.
why they never throw out any dirt ?" “There's the Watican of the Pope, full of old This was a “poser;" and even the “master” had ancient images and stone-work. We've seen hund- to“ give it up." reds of pictures. You ought to admire Raphael's! It now devolved on Dick to explain : most, and call him Rough-file. There's the Arch | “ The reason is,” said Dick, “that they first beof Titus, and several others, which would look gin at the bottom of the hole!" much cleaner if white-washed; and I'm dreadfully “Stop! stop!” cried the schoolmaster, startled bit up by vermin.
out of all prudence by so monstrous an assertion: “Rome's dirty and dull; in fact, nothing looks Pray, how does the squirrel get there?" clean in Italy but the sky, which is really very blue. “Ah, master," replied the cunning fool, “that's The color of the Tiber is not yellow,' as the books a question of your own asking!" say, but a dark table-ale color. (Tell John to bot. The result had not been anticipated. The“school. tle off last year's brewing before I come back.) master was abroad" at that particular juncture !
“You often say, 'He's a Trojan.' I've seen that gentleman's stone-works. His column repre | “What harm is there in a pipe ?" says young sents nothing; while the brass flames of our Mon- PuffWELL. ument do give an idea of the great fire in London.1 “None that I know of,” replied his companion;
“The bridges here are called 'punts,' no doubt except that smoking induces drinking; drinking because in antique times they were held up by induces intoxication; intoxication induces the bile; flat-bottomed boats !"
bile induces jaundice ; jaundice leads to the drop
sy; dropsy terminates in death. Put that in your The following odd sort of relationship was act-pipe, and smoke it!'” ually formed by a pair of nuptials extraordinary in North Carolina:
Perhaps there is a hit in the following at the “A widower, who was not very young, became prevailing style of ladies' evening dresses : * smitten' by a beautiful girl, and married her. A
“When dressed for the evening, the girls, now a days, short time after, the son of this man, by a former
Scarce an atom of dress on them leave; wife, became also in love, not with a younger per None blame them-for what is an evening dress, son, but with the mother of the father's new wise
But a dress that is suited for Eve ?" a widow lady, still in the bloom of her years. He offered himself, and soon the young man and the It is a “ Britisher” traveling among us who thus widow were united in the bonds of matrimony; so records his impressions of the rapid manner in that, in consequence of these two connections, a which meals are “ bolted" at the hotels of our bus. father became the son-in-law of his own son, and the tling Western cities, where, as some modem writes wife not only the daughter-in-law of her own son says, “the citizens have too much to do to waste in-law, but still more, the mother-in-law of her own | much time at their meals." Aside from all other incentives, however, to the deliberate partaking of balance sheet, for the inspection of his master, in our meals, one ought, especially, to have weight; order that he might see what had been the profits and that is, that hasty, indigestive "cramming' of of his business for the past year. On this occasion food is a serious, and almost a certain cause of ill- the balance-sheet showed to the credit of the busihealth :
ness six thousand pounds, which somewhat aston** Chair, sir ?''there, sir! – soup, sir?' yes, sir !
ished the incredulous merchant, Glass of water-bill of fare'
" It canna be,' said he ; 'ye had better count Jabbers on my dark oppressor
up agen. I dinna think I ha' had sae profitable a * Alligator 1-roasted bear?'
beesness as this represents.' * One-two-three! that wide-mouthed vulture
“The clerk, with his usual patience, re-examined Can not have already dined!
the statement, and declared that it was 'a' right,' By my gastronomic culture !
and that he was willing to wager his salary upon He's a specimen refined.
its correctness. The somewhat puzzled merchant "Call this dining ?-its devouring,
scratched his head with surprise, and commenced Like the beasts in Raymond's show,
adding up both sides of the account for himself. It O'er the mighty desert scouring,
proved right. Devastating as they go.
* “I did na' think,' said he, that I was worth “ * Where's that waiter?'-one breath later
over four thousand pounds ; but ye ha' made me a And the cabbage is no more!
much richer man. Weel, weel, I may ha' been Disappearing in the clearing
mair successful than I had tho't, and I'll na' quarrel of the gent' it stands before.
wi' mysel' for being worth six thousand instead.' "Are we on the eve of 'bu'sting'
" At early candle-light the store was regularly Generally up, for good ?
closed by the faithful accountant; and as soon as Are we seriously distrusting
he had gone, the sorely-perplexed and incredulous Our prospective chance of food ?
merchant commenced the painful task of going over "Are we to be hung to-morrow,
and examining all the accounts for himself. Night Executed to a man,
after night did he labor in his solitary countingThat we seek . surcease of sorrow,'
house alone, to look for the error; but every examBy devouring all we can ?
ination confirmed the correctness of the clerk, until " Are we cramming beef and lamb in
the old Scotchman began to believe it possible that From an unsubstantial fear
he was really worth 'sax thousand pounds.' Or a grand potato famine
“Stimulated by this addition to his wealth, he Shipped from Ireland, coming here?
soon felt a desire to improve the condition of his *What's the reason that we seize on
household; and with that view, made purchase of Grub' like birds and beasts of prey ?
new furniture, carpets, and other elegancies, conIs the question indigestion,
sistent with the position of a man possessing the That quack medicines may pay ?
large fortune of six thousand pounds. Painters
and carpenters were set to work to tear down and “Oh! a hideous apprehension
build up; and in a short time the gloomy-looking Often o'er my bosom steals,
residence in Stone Street was renovated to such a With a strong and nervous tension,
degree as to attract the curiosity and envy of all his Thrilling me from head to heels!
neighbors. The doubts of the old man would still, " 'Tis that, some day, some collection
however, obtrude themselves upon his mind; and Of the hungry guests I've seen,
he determined once more to make a thorough exIn voracity's perfection,
amination of his accounts. Having swept the table clean,
“On a dark and stormy night he commenced his "Will, their appetites to smother
labors, with the patient investigating spirit of a man Wildly on the waiters fall,
determined to probe the matter to the very bottom. Then, devouring one another
It was past the hour of midnight, yet he had not Eat up landlord, cooks, and all!”
been able to detect a single error ; but still he went
on. His heart beat high with hope, for he had The following amusing example of “ Book-keep nearly reached the end of his labor. A quick susing; or the Rich Man in Spite of Himself," was pub- picion seized his mind as to one item in the account. lished some years ago, and was at the time declared Eureka! He had found it. With the frenzy of a to be a perfectly authentic anecdote of an old New madman he drew his broad-brimmed white hat over York merchant :
his eyes, and rushed into the street. The rain and "In old times it was the custom of the merchants storm were nothing to him. He hurried to the of the city of New York to keep their accounts in residence of his clerk, in Wall Street ; 'reached the pounds shillings and pence currency. About fifty door, and seized the handle of the huge knocker, years ago a frugal, industrious Scotch merchant, with which he rapped until the neighborhood was Well known to the then small mercantile community roused with the loud alarm.' of this city, had, by dint of fortunate commercial “The unfortunate clerk poked his nightcap out ade enture and economy, been enabled to save some of an upper window, and demanded: thing like four thousand pounds; a considerable « • Wha's there? sum of money at that period, and one which secured “ It's me, you scoundrel!' said the frenzied to its possessor a degree of enviable independence. merchant; ye’ve added up the year of our Laird His places of business and residence were, as was among the pounds! customary at that time, under the same roof. He “Such was the fact. The addition of the year
a clerk in his employment whose reputation as of our Lord among the items had swelled the fortune
accountant inspired the utmost confidence of of the merchant some two thousand pounds beyond is master, whose frugal habits he emulated with the amount." he true spirit and feeling of a genuine Caledonian. was usual for the accountant to make an annual Here are a couple of love-songs, at once both
Latin and English, one of the amusements of Dean “I want a pair of shoes, father,” says John. Swift. There is a mine of wit and originality in “I can get a capital pair for three-and-sixpence. the learned trifles :
“You must get them for three shillings, John : " Apud in is almi de si re,
we owe the butcher four, and he must be paid, er
we get no meat: there, that ends it," said the poor Mimis tres I ne ver re qui re, Alo ver I findit a gestis,
old man, with a satisfied air ; but his vision of inHis miseri ne ver at restis.
dependence was in an instant destroyed, by John's " A pudding is all my desire,
simply saying: My mistress I never require,
“You've forgotten the landlady, father!" A lover I find it a jest is,
“Yes, John, that's true-so I have. She must His misery never at rest is."
have her pay, or out we go." The next, in the same style and vein, is equally “She must!" echoed John. happy :
“John,” says the father, “I'll tell you how I'n “Mollis abuti,
contrive it. I'll put “The Saddle' off with four Has an acuti,
shillings, and open a branch account with “The No lasso finis,
Yew-Tree'” (another drinking-house).
“But,” said John, “we owed her a shilling last O mi de armis tres,
week, and she paid for the washing." I mina dis tres,
“Oh!-ay; well, how much does the washing Cantu disco ver
come to, John ?” Meas alo ver ?
“Two and tuppence," replied the boy. « Moll is a beauty,
“Well, then give her three shillings instead of Has an acute eye,
five," said the father.
“But then, father, that won't do; and we want
“ Who wants tea? I don't care a fig for tea." Can't you discover
“But I do,” replied the boy, with most provokMe as a lover ?"
ing calmness. We remember another of Swift's exercitations "You want tea!” said the father; “you young in this kind :
rascal, you'll want bread yet." " Lætus paco fit tis time :
“ Bread !--that's true," exclaimed John ; “you “Let us pack off—'tis time !"
have forgotten the baker !"
The old man's schemes to pacify his creditors “Jones,” said a sympathizing neighbor to a | with five-and-twenty shillings were all dissipated friend, “what in the world put matrimony into by the recollection of the baker, and sweeping the your head ?"
money off the table into his breeches-pocket, he. “Well, the fact is, I was getting short of shirts !" | roared out, in a great passion :
“Let 'em all go !--I'll not pay a farthing to any A DIALOGUE between a father-a dissipated and of 'em !" extravagant man-and his son, as to how to expend How this may strike others, we do not know; five-and-twenty shillings, which a new situation was but to our minds this dialogue, and the circumto give the former, is one of the laughable, and, at the stances (call them rather weaknesses and vices) same time, instructive things that have found their which led to it, involve a very fruitful lesson. It way into our omnium-gatherum. It runs as follows: illustrates very forcibly the denunciation of the
“Now, Johnny, my boy," the old man would Scriptures : say, “let me see; I owe eight shillings at the por- “Wo unto them who rise up in the morning to ter-house, sign of 'The Saddle;' well, that's that," pursue strong drink-who continue until night; un(Putting the amount on one side.)
til wine inflame them !” “Yes," says Johnny.
“Well, then I promised to pay a score at the “W.T.H.,"of Baltimore, sends for the“Drawer" Blue Pig Tavern-say five shillings. How much the ensuing, with the accompanying note : does that make, John ?"
“Herewith is a piece, found among some very “Why, thirteen shillings," says the boy, count-old papers, which it is there stated has never be. ing on his fingers.
fore been published' For severe wit and sarcasm, “But I mean, you goose, how much have I got it strikes me as possessing very great merit, and I left ?”
think it will afford the readers of the Drawer “How should I know ?" says John ; " count it some amusement. The explanatory caption was yourself: you've got the money."
found with the piece, which, as I have said, has “But you ought to know," says the father, with been among old family papers for many years. true parental authority. “Take thirteen from twen There can be, I should think, no doubt whatever ty-five-how many remains ? Why twelve, to be about the authenticity of the piece." sure,” counting the balance slyly in his hand. “Mr. Wall, of West Bromwich, was, many years since, “ That's the way you are neglecting your education, land steward to T. C. Tervoise, Esq., a large landed prois it? I shall have to talk to your schoolmaster." prietor in Warwickshire ; and, by his vexatious and op
“Yes, you'd better talk to him! He told me pressive conduct, had occasioned much uneasiness among yesterday that unless you let him have some money
the inhabitants. Mr. Canning, then a young man, was I needn't come to school any more."
on a visit to the clergyman of .he parish, and entering
into the grief of the people, wrote the following sarcastic “Ah, true, my boy-true; you mustn't lose
lines. Wall and Mr. Tervoise were very much enraged, your education, at any rate. Take him round five
and offered five hundred pounds for the discovery of the shillings after dinner. I had a pot of beer with him
author. last night, and he agreed if I would let him have
“MURVS AHENEUS EST. that much now, he would be satisfied for the pres. «Will Shakspeare of old, for the pleasure of all,
| Presented a man in the shape of a wall;
Our landlord, alas! for a different plan,
“Prometheus : he stole fire from the skies to Has dressed up a Wall in the shape of a man:
warm a small Pig-malion for his breakfast." Of such rude materials, so heavy and thick,
" How do you bone a turkey ?" With a heart of hard stone, and a facing of brick,
“ Poke the stuffing in with my knuckles.” That 'tis plain from its blundering form and its feat.
“If you know nothing about boiling a goose, how ures, Twas built by some journeyman mason of Nature's; do you expec-to-rate as a cook ?" And, spoilt by its master's continued neglect,
“ As a spitter, of course." Oppresses the land it was meant to protect.
The late Dr. Chapman, of Philadelphia, one of This Wall, this curs'd Wall, ever since it was raised, the dryest and slyest of humorists, furnished, many With quarrels and squabbles the country has teased,
years ago, the material of this last-named play upon And its office thereby it performs with precision,
We have omitted to mention in compliance with Our hopes are confined, our taste is but small,
a request, and information furnished by a correFor we only request to behold a dead Wall.
spondent at Fayette (Miss.) in March last, that the The trees on the Wall are pleasant to see,
droll Arkansas “Noatis," which appeared in the Much more so to us were the Wall on the tree ; February number, and was credited to the “Spirit And if to exalt it would please Mr. Tervoise,
of the Times," originally appeared in the Southern Any tree in the parish is much at his service."
Watchtower,” of Fayette, to which journal it was
contributed by Joshua S. Morris, Esq., a resident It was an ancient PUNCH, if we remember of that town. If the paper in question has many rightly, who gave the annexed as a passage from such contributors, it will be a “ Tower" of strength " The Cook's Oracle :".
in its humorous department. “ What is a spider ?”
"A thing the maid kills with a brush, after I have There have been sent, in “correction" of the done breaking breakfast-cakes in it.”
alleged authorship of the lines written by a blind “How could you cook your mistress ?”
Quaker woman of Philadelphia-published recent“By getting her into a stew ?”
ly in the “ Drawer"-numerous letters, attributing "How can you make a venison-pie without the lines to Milton. But the lines were written, as fiour?”
stated, by Elizabeth Lloyd, a Quaker woman, and “Put deer meat inside, and make the crust of blind, of Philadelphia. They appear in no early
edition of Milton's Poems; but in the last Cam" What patron saint do you worship?"
bridge edition they are published as a "newly-dis“The god Pan."
covered effusion” from the pen of the immortal au" Who was the first cook ?”.
thor of "Paradise Lost” and “Paradise Regained.
Besides the numerous reprints of valuable for- / who are induced to take up their residence in this Bign books, our literary record for the present month country, and after a series of painfully disastrous comprises but a scanty number of publications, events, find a tragic winding-up of their history in some of which, however, present very favorable a remote town of Vermont. The most striking specimens of native talent in various walks of merits of the production which are numerous and literature.
of a high order-are its vivid and subtle delineaA theological work of considerable importance is tions of passion, the admirable fidelity of its charThe Divine Character Vindicated, by the Rev. Moses acter-drawing, its frequent touches of pathos, its Balloo, being a review of some of the principal graphic and effective descriptions of nature, and its features of Dr. Edward Beecher's celebrated Con- life-like, home-like pictures of American manners, flict of Ages. Mr. Ballou presents a copious an- drawn sometimes perhaps with a little too much alysis of that work, treating the statements of the intensity, but always with essential truthfulness, author with candor and justice, and then proceeds and never sacrificing a kindly and generous spirit to an examination of its remarkable theory in the to the love of satire. In the management of the light of reason and Scripture. His own views are plot, which we think is too complicated in its defounded on the essential benignity of the Divine tails, Mrs. Robinson shows not a little ingenuity character, and the limited consequences of sin, and and artistic skill. She constantly keeps the curithough they must fail of giving satisfaction to the osity of the reader on the stretch, and escapes from religious world in general, they are sustained with the most difficult situations by adroit arrangements a good deal of argumentative skill, and are often which have the effect of a pleasing surprise. The suggestive of profound reflections. In its trans. narrative is full of action and incident, and, coverparent simplicity, the style of the volume affords a sing a wide space, admits of a remarkable variety of good model of theological discussion. (Published scenes, derived from opposite extremities of the by Redfield.)
American continent. Apart from its interest as a The Eriles is the title of an American novel by novel-which is guaranteed by a plot of high-wrought TALVI (Mrs. ROBINSOx), in which that accom- romance-its acute remarks on American instituplished lady brings the fruits of her wide experience tions and society, illustrated by a succession of of social life in this country to the illustration of a lively sketches, evidently taken from the life, chalpowerful and touching fictitious narrative. The lenge the attention of readers, and can not fail to story describes the varied fortunes of a couple of reward them for its perusal. Like the other producGerman emigrants, from the higher walks of society, tions of Talvi, which have given her such a high