of insensibility into a state of sensibility before the last day? spirits of the earth lie, no one but God knoweth. No marble rises to point out where their ashes are gathered, or where the lovers of the good or wise can go to shed the tear of sympathy. Who can tell where lie the tens of thousands of Africa's sons who perished in the middle passage?' Yet that cemetery hath ornaments of Jehovah. Never can "If you consult the Scriptures, you will not, I believe, be much tempted to think that the deceased have any knowledge of our affairs here below, or are ever permitted to return from the invisible world, either to compose differences, or to create disturbances; that there is no device, nor knowl-1 forget my days and nights as I passed the noblest edge, nor wisdom in the grave, whither we are going; and that the dead know not any thing of our transgressions upon earth.' Eccles. ix. "As to the soul, then (whether good or bad), being at liberty to make excursions now and then upon a visit among mortals in this sublunary world, I would have you, sir, to think no more about it, nor pretend to know more of it than you do, or can (which is just nothing at all), presuming to be wise above what is written; but to content yourself, as I do, with that just observation of our great poet, To the furthest shore, When once we pass, the soul returns no more.' "But, sir, if you can say any thing further, you will probably say, that although the soul itself returns no more, yet other spirits, good or bad, may interest themselves in the affairs of this lower world. I see your aim, and give this answer: 'Good angels are indeed ministering spirits, sent forth from God to minister to those who shall be heirs of salvation.' But can you rationally think that those good beings, the holy angels, have at this time any extraordinary affair of salvation to transact in Cock Lane, of all the lanes, alleys, and by-places of London ?"... "And to what purpose? Only to play tricks with the living? Only to try skill at bo-peep with them?-to lurk behind curtains; to delude the ignorant with noises, scratchings, thumpings, and other artifices of this kind, contrived only to bring custom and money into the pockets of little knaves and petty jugglers? Can you seriously believe, sir, that the great, the good and wise Majesty of Heaven would permit this, and allow a return from heaven to earth to execute such a wretched and wicked design?" We talk a good deal of the "progress of the age in these latter days; but they were emphatically "ahead" of us, even in " spiritual rappings," very nearly a hundred years ago! "The sea is the largest of the cemeteries, and its slumberers sleep without a monument. All graveyards in all other lands show some symbol of distinction between the great and the small, the rich and the poor; but in that ocean cemetery the king and the clown, the prince and the peasant, are all alike undistinguished. The waves roll over all. The same requiem song by the minstrelsy of the ocean sung to their honor. Over their remains the same storm beats, and the same sun shines; and there unmarked, the weak and the powerful, the plumed and unhonored, will sleep on, until awakened by the same trump when the sea will give up its dead. I thought of sailing over the slumbering but devoted Cookman, who, after a brief but brilliant career, perished in the President-over the same ill-fated vessel we may have passed. In that cemetery sleeps the accomplished and pious Fisher; but where he, and thousands of others of the noble of the cemeteries without a single monument." WE acknowledge the receipt of " A Collection of Original Poems on Various Subjects," published by the author, and sent "to the edirter of harpurs maggazene, with respex of the orthur." This polite inscription is either a hoax, or the "orthur" has been corrected by his proof-reader, and is himself better fitted for a scholar than a schoolmaster. We make room for a single one of his diminutive miniature pages, in fine type: "My scholars having caught a Woodpecker, cooped it up in a stove, in which there had been fire. The bird being unaccustomed to so warm a climate, in a little time died, which gave rise to the following elegy: "I wish it to be understood, I write now of a Pecker-wood; The place where it was bred and born, In some old stump or hollow tree, In which, poor things, they lie confin'd, Their little throats are growing sore, And they will cry but little more: They soon will sleep and ne'er awake; "Pecker-wood" is a happy conceit of language, and that the head of the bird should look "flushed and red" is certainly very extraordinary! It is not alone printers and compositors who will enjoy the following. It is a capital and very forcible illustration of a printing-office dialogue: FOREMAN OF THE OFFICE. "Jones, what are you at now?" COMPOSITOR. "I'm setting 'A House on Fire ;' 'most done." FOREMAN. "What is Smith about?" COMPOSITOR. "He is engaged on A Horrid Murder.'" FOREMAN. "Finish it as quick as possible, and help Morse through with his telegraph. Bob, what are you trying to get up?" BOB. "A Panic in the Money Market.' 4 SLOCUM. "Justifying the Compromise Measures,' which my 'sub' set up." FOREMAN. "You chap on the stool there, what are you on now?” SLOCUM. "Shall I lead these Men of Boston?" " FOREMAN. "No; they are solid,' of course." COMPOSITOR. "Do you want a full-face' head to Jenny Lind's Family?' FOREMAN. "No, put 'em in small caps. John, have you got up that Capital Joke?" JOHN. "No, sir; I'm out of sorts.'" WILSON. " Yes, sir, the Coalition' is all up!" · PR. DEVIL. Yes, sir; and I've just got up A Warm Winter.'" I trace how mighty realms arose, And time's the wasting breath, And what is he who smokes thee now? That soon, like thee, to fate must bow- But though thy ashes downward go, "OLD VIRGINIA AGAIN" contributes "another anecdote of the same son of Erin, concerning whom a certain bean story lately appeared in a nook of the Drawer.' The friends of Paddy," adds our correspondent, "will recognize this story also as being strictly true:"" 66 Going on a visit to a neighbor, upon one occasion, he happened to pass through a lot of ground in which he saw what appeared to be a great many fine-looking musk-melons on the vines, and was not a little disappointed at the gentleman's neglect in not having some of them brought in for the accommodation of his guest. Determined, however, to THERE is a "terrible satire" in the subjoined make amends for his disappointment, Paddy, after "Novel and Prospective View of Speculations in Real sitting an hour or two, took his leave, and managed Estate" in this our goodly city of Gotham. It pur-in going off to pass through the lot unobserved, and ports to be, and is, an extract from a private letter hastily gathering two of the finest-looking melons, of a young gentleman, clerk in the office of a large hurried on with one under each arm, until he reachoperator in "lots" in our city, to a friend in Wash-ed a convenient place on the road-side, when he sat ington: himself down upon a fallen tree, and was making a most savory repast, when General one of his countrymen, rode up, and seeing Paddy, knife in hand, and carving away upon the melons, asked, "What on earth are you about?' "Eating some musk-melons, yer honor. Won't you get down and try some?' "I am still with, employed in drawing maps and writing descriptions of them for those who deal out God's earth by inches, thus: One lot of ground, being in front on the westerly side 22 feet 3 inches, running thence easterly 66 feet 24 inches, thence southeasterly 11 inches, thence southerly 22 feet 1 inch, thence westerly 67 feet 10 inches,' &c. Bythe-by, what a jolly time speculators in lots would have, could they monopolize the burial places! Then should we see advertised: "TO LEAN MEN-A Rare Chance! A narrow grave lot for sale, being 10 inches wide, 5 feet 63 inches long, and of full depth; would make a nice tidy resting-place for one who does not come wide of the mark, or who would have no objections to lie sideways. Also, one large gore lot, suitable for a bulky man with one leg. Also, one lot 12 by 12 inches, for perpendicular burial. "Terms: 60 per cent. cash; balance in will, if the party be of means; if not, witnessed order on weeping relatives. Apply at the Patent Gutta Percha Coffin Warehouse.'" THERE is a moral contained in the ensuing stanzas that will remind the reader of the old verses commencing "The pipe that is so lily white, Man's life is but such: Think of this when you smoke tobacco." TO MY CIGAR. When, in the lonely evening hour, Attended but by thee, Oft as thy snowy column grows, "The General, albeit a very grave sort of personage, could not entirely control his risible faculties; in fact, he indulged for the space of five miuutes in a very decided horse laugh,' greatly to Paddy's amazement and indignation. 466 Why, those are pumpkins!' said the General. "It was some time, however, before Paddy could be convinced of his mistake, but yielding at length to the General's remonstrances, he desisted from further operations. "He afterward acknowledged to an intimate friend, privately, that although the flavor of the supposed melons was altogether unexceptionable, yet he rather thought from the first that there was a toughness about them which he could not readily account for; and further, that for some twenty-four hours immediately succeeding the meal he was much troubled with cramps about the region of the stomach, which he was inclined to think were chargeable to the rebellious nature of 'raw pumpkins' in resisting the process of digestion!" THERE are many words which are accounted "Westernisms," and sometimes considered as On sense and worth your passion found, THERE are no dryer wits or "sly humorists" than many presidents and subordinate officers of our American colleges. Having among their young and gay "charges" a good many immature but quick wits, it may possibly be that their own are quickened and strengthened by attrition. Most readers will recall the President of an Eastern university who, on one occasion, had submitted to him for perusal and correction a poetical composition of one of his students. He had read it carefully through, and finding that it was such blankverse as "neither gods nor men permit," he handed it back to the author with the remark: "I see, Mr. Smith, that in this piece you have used a great many capital letters. Indeed, almost every line, as far as I have remarked, begins with a capital letter. This is wrong. Names of places, persons, &c., should undoubtedly begin with a capital letter; but in a composition like yours, a multiplicity of capitals not only indicates an ignorance of orthography, but has an unpleasant effect upon eye of a practiced reader." the 'But, sir," exclaimed the startled and mortified student, "that composition is written in poetry!" "Ah-indeed?" replied the President, lowering his gold spectacles from his high, bald forehead to the bridge of his nose, with a merry twinkle of his usually cold gray eye, and casting a careless glance over the manuscript, "I had not noticed that. Haven't you made a mistake, Mr. Smith?" Next to this, we do not remember to have seen a better kindred story than the following: Quick fly the years: each Spring, with beauty laden, IV. "Spring thoughts!" Sad thoughts when backward all "Some of the students of the Indiana State University were suspected to be in the habit of drink. ing brandy. Where they obtained it, was a mystery. Dr. Daily determined to ferret out the secret. Calling into a small drug-store, the proprietor asked him 'how that sick student, "Mr. Carter," came on?' Smelling a rat, the Doctor answered in an evasive manner, and soon drew out of the apothecary the fact that the students under suspicion had been in the habit of purchasing brandy for a sick student by the name of Carter;' that they said he was 'quite low, and kept alive by stimulants;' that the young gentlemen seemed very much devoted to him. Not long since an eminent commercial lawyer Now the secret was out. This 'Carter' was a fic-related the ensuing anecdote as an illustration of titious character, and the Doctor had the secret. "However, he kept his own counsel. The next time the students assembled in the chapel for prayers, he cast his eyes over the crowd, and satisfied himself that 'Carter's' nurses were all present. The devotions were duly conducted, and then he called the attention of the students, remarking that he had a mournful task to perform: as President of the university, it became his duty to announce the death of their fellow-student, Mr. Carter.' After a lingering illness of several weeks, during a portion of which he was only kept alive by stimulants, he had breathed his last! He had no doubt this announcement would fall sadly on the ears of those who had so faithfully attended to his wants, but he hoped they would bear it with resignation; he hoped they would reflect upon the oft-repeated words, Memento mori;' that he would now no longer detain them, but leave them to their reflections! the "composition" which sometimes entered into the selection of a jury: "I had a very important case," said he, "involving some eighty or a hundred thousand dollars. It was a protracted cause, owing to the complicated interests involved in it, and altogether a very tedious trial. When it was finally given to the jury, the judge remarked to them, as they were about leaving the court-room for private consultation, that if, during the progress of the case, any terms of law had been used, or any rules stated, that they did not fully understand, the court was prepared beforehand to make all needful explanations. Upon this, one of the jurors, a man with a high, bald head, and a calm blue eye, upon whose sense of justice I had greatly relied (for he had paid the strictest attention to the entire proceedings), arose and said: "I believe I understand all the rules that have been laid down, but there are two terms of law that have been a good deal used during the trial, that I should like to know the meaning of.' "Very well, sir,' responded the judge, what terms of law do you allude to?' "Well,' said our model juror, the words I mean, are the words plaintiff and defendant!" Was'nt there a chance for a man to "come by his own" in a law-suit where such a juror was the principal member of the "august body?" AN "odd" circumstance, as they say in England, is mentioned in the case of a London cockney, who went all the way from England to the mountain that lies three days' journey from Stockholm, in Sweden, to witness the long day when the sun does not disappear. He arrived on the last of the three days of the annual exhibition. He went to bed, leaving orders to be called when the sun was near the horizon. In a few hours his servant shook him, and informed him that the hour had arrived. He turned over for another short nap. The servant insisted that there was no time to lose, and that the party was already moving. "But to-morrow," said the sleepy cockney. "No; impossible; this is the last day." "Well then," was the reply, as the sluggard turned slowly in his bed, "we can come next year!" A MONTHLY Contemporary, in a series of papers by a deputy-sheriff, has exhibited a good many instances of ingenuity and "sharp practice" in the service of legal processes; but we have seen nothing in them so adroit as the following "Irish Mode of serving a Writ." It is averred to be "entirely true;" and it certainly is as rich as any thing which the author of "Charles O'Malley" or "Handy Andy" could possibly invent. opening at the same time the bottle for the purpose. "But who can express her indignation, and that of her master, at finding that the contents of the treacherous present (aside from the writ) were nothing but water!" THE ladies must not be overlooked in the "Drawer;" and we dare say a good many sensible unspoiled damsels will thank us for having preserved for their perusal the subjoined plain-spoken advice given to her fellow-country women by Mrs. Ellis, of England, in her "Lectures addressed to Young Ladies." Possibly the advice may not be out of place, even in our own country: "My pretty little dears, you are no more fit for matrimony than a pullet is to look after a family of fourteen chickens. The truth is, my dear girls, you want, generally speaking, more true liberty and less fashionable restraint; more kitchen and less parlor; more leg-exercise and less sofa; more pudding and less piano; more frankness and less mockmodesty; more breakfast and less bustle. "I like the buxom, bright-eyed, rosy-cheeked, full-breasted, bouncing girl, who can darn stockings, make her own frocks, mend her little brother's trowsers, command a regiment of pots and kettles, milk the cows as well as the Duchess of Marlborough or the Queen of Spain, and yet be a lady withal in the drawing-room. But as for your pining, moping, wasp-waisted, putty-faced, music-murdering, novel-devouring daughters of mere Fashion and Idleness, with your consumption-soled shoes, silk stockings, and French calico shifts, you won't do for the future wives and mothers of England!" "HAVE the following lines," asks a correspondent in the city, "ever appeared in 'The Drawer?' And will you inform me who is the author of them? I have heard them attributed to Lowell, the American poet, but they sound to me like Thomas Hood; and yet I can not find them in the American edition of "Two or three days since an Irish gentleman, whose solicitor had vainly endeavored to serve a writ on an ex-member of Parliament for an Irish borough, who resides at the West End of the metro-his poems :" polis, hit upon the following ingenious mode : Having sealed a stone bottle, with an imposing crest, and marked it 'Potheen,' he forwarded it by an intelligent lad of thirteen (who was previously well instructed), as a present from a friend in the West End, with instructions to be delivered only to himself. "The bait took. The old Irish follower who acts as a duenna to Mr. -, as his guardian against the too 'captivating' approaches of bailiffs, did not think there was any thing to apprehend from a child bearing only a bottle of 'the native.' "The master was called, and the present duly handed over. "There's a note in the wrapper, sir,' observed the messenger; 'perhaps it would require an answer.' "The ex-member undid the newspaper in which the present was folded, and took out an envelope. "There's a writ in that, sir,' said the youngster 'you're served!'--and bounding through the passage, he was out of sight in an instant, while the ex-member looked as if he was converted into stone. Molly, with a wet dish-cloth, which she flung after the lad, foamed with rage, at being made the involuntary instrument of such a trick. "But the unkindest cut of all' remained behind. Seeing her master quite out of sorts after dinner, she philosophically urged him to make the best out of a bad bargain, and take some of the 'potheen,' "Hark! that rustle of a dress, Here comes one whose cheek would flush With the emblems woven there!'" These fine lines are by JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL, but they are worthy of Hood, and they need no higher praise. ON a faded slip of paper in our omnium-gatherum depository, we find the annexed: "Sydney Smith compares the first whistle of a locomotive to the squeak of an Attorney, when he is laid hold of by his Satanic Majesty!" "THE surest road to health, say what they will, Is never to suppose we shall be ill." "ONE might have heard a pin fall," is a proverbial expression of silence; but even this has been eclipsed by the ensuing French phrase: You might have heard the unfolding of in the extreme of the fashion, called at the Govher lace pocket-handkerchief." ernor's residence, and inquired for him. He was in quest of a certain office, which lay in the Governor's gift. "He is not at home just at present,' said his good lady, but if you will come in and take a seat, I have no doubt he will be in very soon.' "The visitor accepted the invitation, and, seat ONE Sometimes comes across, in "books for the young," and "companions for the unlearned" especially, with expositions of natural science, which only illustrate to confound, and to darken a subject by words, which, if not "without knowledge," are yet very injudicious, because vague and discouring himself in a plain sitting-room, entered into aging. We cite the following as an example: "Imagine a railway from the earth to the sun. How many hours is the sun from us? Why, if we were to send a baby in an express-train, going unintermittedly a hundred miles an hour, without making any stoppages (not even for the mails, probably !), the baby would grow to be a boy-the boy would grow to be a man-the man would grow old and die-without seeing the sun; for it is distant more than a hundred years from us! "But what is this, compared to Neptune's distance? (It seems a good way off, too!) Had Adam and Eve started, by our railway, at the creation, to go from Neptune to the sun, at the rate of fifty miles an hour, they would not have got there yet!" If this is indeed so-and we do not pretend to dispute it-it must be a "hard road to travel-we believe!" "I WISH you to make for our church," said an Episcopal vestryman, one morning, to a neighboring carpenter, "two new commandment-boards. We want them of free, sound timber, with no knots in them." "You'd better take some of the 'nots' out of the commandments then," replied the carpenter; "I never saw a commandment-board yet that wasn't full of them!" conversation with the Governor's lady. "I believe,' said he, that this is considered a very fine agricultural place. Does your husband own much land?' "Yes; some thirty acres or so. He thinks he is quite a farmer.' "As I came along, I caught a glimpse of a fine orchard: does that belong to him?" 6 "Yes; and he prides himself on his orchard.' "I see you find it necessary to use scarecrows to frighten away the birds.' "Scarecrows!' exclaimed the Governor's wife, in astonishment: 'I think not: we never employ them.' "Well, that's curious; I thought I saw one in one of the trees, "rigged out" in a long fluttering robe.' "I don't think my husband has put any into the orchard; he has never said any thing to me about it. You can look from this window, and perhaps you will see the object you must have mistaken.' "There it is now!' was the reply, as the speaker pointed out a figure standing on a limb of one of the trees, dressed in a pair of overalls, with a faded robe fluttering in the breeze: 'that's the scarecrow! I felt sure that I could not be mistaken.' "THAT a scarecrow!' exclaimed the good lady, in amazement: 'why, THAT'S MY HUSBAND!' "The victim of this embarrassing mistake had just enough voice left to inquire for his hat, upon which he immediately withdrew, thinking it best to defer his application for office to a more convenient "A WOMAN who wants a charitable heart wants a pure mind." There is a good deal expressed in these few words. The measure of a woman's judg-season."" ment must be her own fullness; and if she judge harshly, her feelings are not delicate. Her experience is her own; and if that is adverse, it ought at least to impose the charity of silence. Innocence is not suspicious; but Guilt is always ready to turn informer. AN anecdote is told of a somewhat verdant Yankee, riding with a rather pompous person in his carriage past his own lawn, who, observing the gentleman's grounds, and especially a large number of weather-proof plaster-statues, feebly imitating the legitimate marble, said: "What on 'arth is the use of them? There's abeout tew acres o' pasture, and five scarecrows into 'em! One o' them's a plenty !" But a worse mortification "once upon a time befell," as follows: WE are in the midst of the "season of flowers;" and it would be a wholesome and tasteful improve. ment, if all who love these "floral teachers" were to adopt the advice of one who revered them, and whose bedside was solaced by their odor, when he was "passing away" to that land where flowers never wither: "I do wish that our botanists, conchologists, and entomologists, and the rest of our scientifical godfathers and godmothers would sit soberly down, a little below the clouds, and revise their classical, scholastical, and polyglottical nomenclatures. Yea, that our gardeners and florists especially would take their watering-pots and rebaptize all those pretty plants whose bombastical and pedantical titles are enough to make them blush, and droop their modest heads for shame. It is abominable to label our "A certain Governor, no matter of what State, flowers with antiquated, outlandish, and barbarous was a plain-very plain-farmer-like man. He flowers of speech. There is a meaning in 'windwas, indeed, a prominent politician, but still a flowers' and 'cuckoo-buds;' and the 'hare-bell' is plain, simple farmer; and he had an orchard be, at once associated with the breezy heath; the 'bluehind his house, on which it was his pleasure to be- bell' awakens a world of associations; but what stow a great deal of attention. image is suggested by Schizanthus-retusus? For"In personal appearance the Governor was cer-get-me-not' sounds like a short quotation from tainly far from attractive. He was very tall, and Rogers' 'Pleasures of Memory;' 'Love-lies-bleedgaunt; and when about his work, was generally in ing' contains a whole tragedy in its title; and even the habit of wearing a faded dressing-gown, whichPick-your-mother's-heart-out' involves a tale for was of exceeding length, coming nearly to his feet. the novelist. But what story, with or without a "It chanced one day that a gentleman, dressed moral, can be picked out of a 'Dendrobium ?'" |