Lady Teaz. Go-you are an insinuating hypocrite-but we shall be missed-let us join the company. Surf. True, but we had best not return together. Lady Teaz. Well, don't stay-for Maria shan't come to hear any more of your reasoning, I promise you. [Exit. my SCENE III At SIR PETER'S. ROWLEY and SIR OLIVER. Sir Oliv. Ha! ha! ha! and so my old friend is married, hey?-a young wife out of the country!-ha! ha! that he should have stood bluff to old bachelor so long and sink into a husband at last! Row. But you must not rally him on the subject, Sir Oliver-'tis a tender point, I assure you, though he has been married only seven months. Sir Oliv. Ah, then he has been just half a year on the stool of repentance-poor Peter! But you say he has entirely given up Charles never sees him, hey? Row. His prejudice against him is astonishing, and I am sure, greatly increased by a jealousy of him with Lady Teazlewhich he has been industriously led into by a scandalous society in the neighborhood who have contributed not a little to Charles's ill name. Whereas the truth is, I believe, if the lady is partial to either of them his brother is the favorite. Sir Oliv. Aye-I know-there are a set of malicious, prating, prudent gossips both male and female, who murder characters to kill time, and will rob a young fellow of his good name before he has years to know the value of it... but I am not to be prejudiced against my nephew by such, I promise you! No! no, if Charles has done nothing false or mean, I shall compound for his extravagance. Row. Then, my life on't, you will reclaim him. Ah, sir, it gives me new vigor to find that your heart is not turned against him-and that the son of my good old master has one friend, however, left. Sir Oliv. What! shall I forget, Master Rowley-when I was at his house myselfegad, my brother and I were neither of us very prudent youths-and yet I believe you have not seen many better men than your old master was. Row. 'Tis this reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet be a credit to his family-but here comes Sir Peter Surf. A curious dilemma, truly, politics have run me into. I wanted at first only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle Sir Oliv. Egad, so he does-mercy on me. that she might not be my enemy with Maria-he's greatly altered-and seems to have a -and I have, I don't know how, become her settled married look-one may read husband serious lover, so that I stand a chance of in his face at this distance. committing a crime I never meditated-and Enter SIR PETER. Sir Pet. Ha! Sir Oliver-my old friendwelcome to England-a thousand times! Sir Oliv. Thank you-thank you-Sir Peter-and efaith I am as glad to find you well, believe me Sir Pet. Ah! 'tis a long time since we met -sixteen year, I doubt, Sir Oliver-and many a cross accident in the time Sir Oliv. Aye, I have had my share-but, what! I find you are married-hey, my old boy-well-well it can't be helped-and so I wish you joy with all my heart. Sir Pet. Thank you thanks, Sir Oliver.Yes, I have entered into the happy state, but we'll not talk of that now. Sir Oliv. True, true, Sir Peter, old friends shouldn't begin on grievances at first meeting. No, no Row. Take care, pray, sir Sir Oliv. Well-so one of my nephews, I find, is a wild rogue-hey? Sir Pet. Wild!-oh! my old friend—I grieve for your disappointment there. He's a lost young man indeed; however his brother will make you amends; Joseph is indeed what a youth should be-everybody in the world speaks well of him. Sir Oliv. I am sorry to hear it-he has too good a character to be an honest fellow. Everybody speaks well of him! Psha! then he has bowed as low to knaves and fools as to the honest dignity of virtue. Sir Pet. What! Sir Oliver, do you blame him for not making enemies? Sir Oliv. Yes-if he has merit enough to deserve them. Sir Pet. Well-well-you'll be convinced when you know him-'tis edification to hear him converse-he professes the noblest sentiments. ACT III SCENE I At SIR PETER'S. SIR PETER, SIR OLIVER, and RowLEY. Sir Pet. Well, then, we will see the fellows first and have our wine afterwards. But how is this, Master Rowley? I don't see the jet of your scheme. Row. Why, sir, this Mr. Stanley whom I' was speaking of is nearly related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin, but has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes, and now lately coming over to solicit the assistance of his friends here, has been flung into prison by some of his creditors, where he is now with two helpless boys. Sir Oliv. Aye, and a worthy fellow, too, I remember him. But what is this to lead to? Row. You shall hear. He has applied by letter both to Mr. Surface and Charles; from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagance has left him power to do, and he is at this time endeavoring to raise a sum of money, part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know he intends for the service of poor Stanley. Ah! he is my brother's son. Sir Pet. Well, but how is Sir Oliver per Sir Oliv. Row. Why, sir, I will inform Charles and his brother that Stanley has obtained permission to apply in person to his friends, and as they have neither of them ever seen him, let Sir Oliver assume his character, and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of the benevolence of their dispositions. Sir Oliv. Ah, plague on his sentiments-sonally toif he salutes me with a scrap sentence of morality in his mouth, I shall be sick directly-but, however, don't mistake me, Sir Peter, I don't mean to defend Charles's errors; but before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of their hearts-and my friend Rowley and I have planned something for the purpose. Sir Pet. Pshaw! this will prove nothing. Row. And Sir Peter shall own he has been I make no doubt Charles is coxcomb and for once mistaken. Sir Pet. My life on Joseph's honorSir Oliv. Well, come, give us a bottle of good wine, and we'll drink the lads' healths and tell you our scheme. Sir Pet. Allons, then Sir Oliv. But don't, Sir Peter, be so severe against your old friend's son. thoughtless enough to give money to poor relations if he had it. Sir Oliv. Then he shall never want it. I have brought a few rupees home with me, Sir Peter, and I only want to be sure of bestowing them rightly. Row. Then, sir, believe me you will find in the youngest brother one who in the midst Sir Pet. 'Tis his vices and follies have of folly and dissipation has still, as our immade me his enemy. Row. Come-come-Sir Peter, consider how early he was left to his own guidance. Sir Oliv. Odds, my life-I am not sorry that he has run out of the course a little; for my part, I hate to see dry prudence clinging to the green juices of youth-'tis like ivy round a sapling and spoils the growth of the tree. mortal bard expresses it, where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, relative to Charles's affairs? Row. Below, waiting his commands, and no one can give him better intelligence. This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who to do him justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to a proper sense of his extravagance. Sir Pet. Pray, let us have him in. Row. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs. [Calls to SERVANT. Sir Pet. But, pray, why should you suppose he will speak the truth? Row. Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering certain sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who he knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his fidelity to his interest. I have also another evidence in my power, one Snake, whom I shall shortly produce to remove some of your prejudices, Sir Peter, relative to Charles and Lady Teazle. Sir Oliv. Egad, I like this idea better than the other, and I may visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley. Sir Pet. True, so you may. Row. Well, this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be sure-however, Moses-you understand Sir Peter and will be faithful— Mos. You may depend upon me-and this is near the time I was to have gone. Sir Oliv. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses—but hold-I have forgot one thing-how the plague shall I be able to pass for a Jew? Mos. There's no need; the principal is Christian. Sir Oliv. Is he? I'm very sorry to hear it but then again, an't I rather too smartly dressed to look like a money-lender? Sir Pet. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character, if you went in your own carriage, would it, Moses! Mos. Not in the least. Sir Oliv. Well-but-how must I talk? Sir Pet. I have heard too much on that there's certainly some cant of usury and subject. Row. Here comes the honest Israelite. Enter MOSES. -This is Sir Oliver. Sir Oliv. Sir-I understand you have lately had great dealings with my nephew Charles. Mos. Yes, Sir Oliver, I have done all I could for him, but he was ruined before he came to me for assistance. Sir Oliv. That was unlucky truly-for you have had no opportunity of showing your talents. Mos. None at all-I hadn't the pleasure of knowing his distresses till he was some thousands worse than nothing, till it was impossible to add to them. Sir Oliv. Unfortunate indeed! but I suppose you have done all in your power for him, honest Moses? Mos. Yes, he knows that. This very evening I was to have brought him a gentleman from the city who does not know him and will I believe advance some money. Sir Pet. What! one Charles has never had money from before? Mos. Yes-Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars. mode of treating that I ought to know. Sir Pet. Oh, there's not much to learnthe great point as I take it is to be exorbitant enough in your demands, hey, Moses? Mos. Yes that's very great point. Sir Oliv. I'll answer for't I'll not be wanting in that-I'll ask him eight or ten per cent. on the loan-at least. Mos. You'll be found out directly; if you ask him no more than that, you'll be discovered immediately. Sir Oliv. Hey! what the plague!-how much then? Mos. That depends upon the circumstances-if he appears not very anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per cent.-but if you find him in great distress, and want the monies very bad, you may ask double. Sir Pet. A good, honest trade you're learning, Sir Oliver Sir Oliv. Truly, I think so-and not unprofitable Mos. Then, you know, you haven't the monies yourself, but are forced to borrow them for him of a friend. Sir Oliver. O, I borrow it of a friend, do I? Mos. And your friend is an unconscioned dog-but you can't help it. Sir Oliv. My friend's an unconscionable dog, is he? Mos. Yes-and he himself hasn't the monies by him-but is forced to sell stockat a great loss Sir Oliv. He is forced to sell stock, is heat a great loss, is he? Well, that's very kind of him. Sir Pet. Efaith, Sir Oliver-Mr. Premium I mean-you'll soon be master of the trade but, Moses would have him inquire if the borrower is a minorMos. O yes Sir Pet. And in that case his conscience will direct him Mar. This is unkind, sir. You know I have obeyed you in neither seeing nor corresponding with him-I have heard enough to convince me that he is unworthy my regard. Yet I cannot think it culpable, if Mos. To have the bond in another name while my understanding severely condemns to be sure. Sir Oliv. Well-well, I shall be perfectSir Pet. But, hearkee, wouldn't you have him also run out a little against the annuity bill? That would be in character I should think Mos. Very much. Row. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion before he is suffered to ruin himself! Mos. Aye, great pity! Sir Pet. And abuse the public for allowing merit to an act whose only object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious relief of usury! and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without being undone by coming into possession. Sir Oliv. So-so-Moses shall give me further instructions as we go together. Sir Pet. You will not have much time, for your nephew lives hard by Sir Oliv. Oh, never fear: my tutor appears so able that tho' Charles lived in the next street, it must be my own fault if I am not a complete rogue before I turn the [Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES. Sir Pet. So, now I think Sir Oliver will be convinced-you shan't follow them, Rowley. You are partial and would have prepared Charles for t'other plot. corner Row. No, upon my word, Sir PeterSir Pet. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I'll hear what he has to say presently. I see Maria, and want to speak with her. [Exit ROWLEY.] I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles were unjust; I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to my friend Joseph. I am determined. I will do it-he will give me his opinion sincerely. Enter MARIA. his vices, my heart suggests some pity for his distresses. Sir Pet. Well, well, pity him as much as you please, but give your heart and hand to a worthier object. Mar. Never to his brother! Sir Pet. Go-perverse and obstinate! but take care, madam, you have never yet known what the authority of a guardian is-don't compel me to inform you of it. Mar. I can only say, you shall not have just reason. 'Tis true, by my father's will I am for a short period bound to regard you as his substitute, but I must cease to think you so when you would compel me to be miserable. [Exit. Sir Pet. Was ever man so crossed as I am, everything conspiring to fret me? had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight, before her father, a hale and hearty man, died on purpose, I believe, for the pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his daughter... but here comes my helpmate! She appears in great good humor; how happy I should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho' but a little. Sir Pet. Two hundred pounds! what, an't I to be in a good humor without paying So, child, has Mr. Surface returned with you? for it? But speak to me thus-and efaith Mar. No, sir, he was engaged. Sir Pet. Well, Maria, do you not reflect, the more you converse with that amiable young man, what return his partiality for you deserves? there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it-but seal me a bond for the repayment. Lady Teaz. O no-there-my note of hand will do as well. Mar. Indeed, Sir Peter, your frequent im- Sir Pet. And you shall no longer reportunity on this subject distresses me ex-proach me with not giving you an independtremely; you compel me to declare that I ent settlement-I shall shortly surprise you know no man who has ever paid me a par--and you'll not call me ungenerous. But ticular attention whom I would not prefer to Mr. Surface. Sir Pet. Soh! Here's perverseness; no, no, Maria, 'tis Charles only whom you would prefer 'tis evident his vices and follies have won your heart. shall we always live thus-hey? sure I Lady Teaz. If you-please-I'm don't care how soon we leave off quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first. Sir Pet. Well-then let our future contest be who shall be most obliging. Lady Teaz. I assure you, Sir Peter, good nature becomes you-you look now as you did before we were married-when you used to walk with me under the elms, and tell me stories of what a gallant you were in your youth-and chuck me under the chin, you would-and ask me if I thought I could love an old fellow who would deny me nothing-didn't you? never cared a pin for me-I was a madman to marry you Lady Teaz. And I am sure I was a fool to marry you-an old dangling bachelor, who was single at fifty-only because he never could meet with any one who would have him. Sir Pet. Aye-aye-madam-but you were pleased enough to listen to me-you never Sir Pet. Yes-yes-and you were as kind had such an offer beforeand attentive Lady Teaz. Aye, so I was-and would always take your part, when my acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule Sir Pet. Indeed! Lady Teaz. Aye-and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff, peevish, old bachelor and laughed at me for thinking of marrying one who might be my father-I have always defended you-and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a husbandSir Pet. And you prophesied right-and we shall certainly now be the happiest coupleLady Teaz. And never differ again. Sir Pet. No, never-tho' at the same time indeed-my dear Lady Teazle-you must watch your temper very narrowly-for in all our little quarrels-my dear-if you recollect, my love, you always began first Lady Teas. I beg your pardon-my dear Sir Peter-indeed-you always gave the prov ocation. Sir Pet. Now-see, my love, take care contradicting isn't the way to keep friends. Lady Teaz. Then don't you begin it, my love! Sir Pet. There now-you are going onyou don't perceive, my life, that you are just doing the very thing, my love, which you know always makes me angry. Lady Teaz. Nay-you know if you will be angry without any reason-my dear— Sir Pet. There now you want to quarrel again. Lady Teaz. No-I am sure I don't-but if you will be so peevish Sir Pet. There-now who begins first? Lady Teaz. Why, you, to be sure-I said nothing-but there's no bearing your temper. Sir Pet. No-no-my dear-the fault's in your own temper. Lady Teaz. Aye, you are just what my cousin Sophy said you would be Sir Pet. Your cousin Sophy-is a forward impertinent gipsey Lady Teas. Go, you great bear-how dare you abuse my relations? Sir Pet. Now may all the plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I try to be friends with you any more Lady Teas. So much the better. Lady Teaz. No didn't I refuse Sir Jeremy Terrier-who everybody said would have been a better match-for his estate is just as good as yours-and he has broke his neck since we have been married! Sir Pet. I have done with you, madam! You are an unfeeling-ungrateful-but there's an end of everything-I believe you capable of anything that's bad; yes, madam-I now believe the reports relative to you and Charles,-madam you and yes - madam Charles are-not without groundsLady Teas. Take care, Sir Peter-you had better not insinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause, I promise you—— Sir Pet. Very-well-madam-very well! a separate maintenance-as soon as you please. Yes, madam, or a divorce-I'll make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors. Let us separate, madam. Lady Teaz. Agreed-agreed-and now-my dear Sir Peter, we are of a mind again, we may be the happiest couple-and never differ again, you know-ha! ha!-Well, you are going to be in a passion I see and I shall only interrupt you-so, bye! bye! heyyoung jockey tried and countered. [Exit. Sir Pet. Plagues and tortures! She pretends to keep her temper; can't I make her angry neither! O! I am the miserable fellow! But I'll not bear her presuming to keep her temper-No, she may break my heartbut she shan't keep her temper. [Exit. Mos. Mr. Premium- [Exit TRIP-taking snuff. Sir Oliv. To judge by the servants-one wouldn't believe the master was ruined-but what-sure this was my brother's house Mos. Yes, sir, Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the furniture, pictures, &c.Sir Pet. No-no, madam, 'tis evident you just as the old gentleman left it-Sir Peter |