Rosy. True, true; you should be ready: the clothes are at my house, and I have given you such a character that he is impatient to have you: he swears you shall be his body-guard. Well, I honour the army, or I should never do so much to serve you.

O'Con. Indeed I am bound to you for ever, doctor; and when once I'm possessed of my dear Lauretta, I will endeavour to make work for you as fast as possible.

Rosy. Now you put me in mind of my poor wife again.

O'Con. Ah, pray forget her a little we shall be too late.

Enter LAURETTA and Mrs. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. officers are the

Lau. I repeat it again, mama, prettiest men in the world, and Lieutenant O'Connor is the prettiest officer I ever saw.

Mrs. Bri. For shame, Laura! how can you talk so or if you must have a military man, there's lieutenant Plow, or captain Haycock, or major Dray, the brewer, are all your admirers; and though they are peaceable, good kind of men, they have as large cockades, and become scarlet as well as the fighting folks.

Lau. Psha! you know, mama, I hate militia officers; a set of dunghill cocks with spurs on— heroes scratched off a church door-clowns in military masquerade, wearing the dress without supporting the character. No, give me the bold upright youth, who makes love to-day, and his head shot off to-morrow. Dear! to think how the sweet fellows sleep on the ground, and fight in silk stockings and lace ruffles.

Mrs. Bri. Oh, barbarous ! to want a husband that may wed you to-day, and be sent the Lord knows where before night; then in a twelvemonth perhaps to have him come like a Colossus, with one leg at New York and the other at Chelsea Hospital.

Lau. Then I'll be his crutch, mama.

Mrs. Bri. No, give me a husband that knows where his limbs are, though he want the use of them. And if he should take you with him, to sleep in a baggage-cart, and stroll about the camp like a gipsy, with a knapsack and two children at your back; then, by way of entertainment in the evening, to make a party with the serjeant's wife to drink bohea tea, and play at all-fours on a drumhead 'tis a precious life, to be sure!

Lau. Nay, mama, you shouldn't be against my lieutenant, for I heard him say you were

the best natured and best looking woman in the world.

Mrs. Bri. Why, child, I never said but that lieutenant O'Connor was a very well-bred and discerning young man ; 'tis your papa is so violent against him.

Lau. Why, cousin Sophy married an officer. Mrs. Bri. Ay, Laury, an officer in the militia. Lau. No, indeed, mama, a marching regiment. Mas. Bri. No, child, I tell you he was major of militia.

Lau. Indeed, mama, it wasn't.

Enter Justice CREDULOUS.

Mrs. Bri. Red! yellow, if you please, miss. Just. Bridget!-the young man that is to be hired

Mrs. Bri. Besides, miss, it is very unbecoming in you to want to have the last word with your mama; you should know

Just. Why, zounds! will you hear me or no? Mrs. Bri. I am listening, my love-I am listening!-But what signifies my silence, what good is my not speaking a word, if this girl will interrupt and let nobody speak but herself -Ay, I don't wonder, my life, at your impatience; your poor dear lips quiver to speak; but I suppose she'll run on, and not let you put in a word.-You may very well be angry; there is nothing sure so provoking as a chattering, talking

Lau. Nay, I'm sure, mama, it is you will not let papa speak now.

Mrs. Bri. Why, you little provoking minx!— Just. Get out of the room directly, both of you -get out!

Mrs. Bri. Ay, go, girl.

Just. Go, Bridget! you are worse than she, you old hag! I wish you were both up to the neck in the canal, to argue there till I took you out. Enter Servant. Ser. Doctor Rosy, sir. Just. Show him up.

D

[Exit Servant.

Lau. Then you own, mama, it was a marching regiment?

Mrs. Bri. You're an obstinate fool, I tell you; for if that had been the case

Just. You won't go ?

Mrs. Bri. We are going, Mr. Surly!-If that had been the case, I say, how couldLau. Nay, mama, one proofMrs. Bri. How could majorLau. And a full proof

[Justice CREDULOUS drives them off. Just. There they go, ding dong in for the day! Good lack a fluent tongue is the only thing a mother don't like her daughter to resemble her in.

Enter Doctor Rosy.

Well, doctor, where's the lad-where's Trusty?

Rosy. At hand; he'll be here in a minute, I'll answer for't. He's such a one as you an't met with, brave as a lion, gentle as a saline draught.

Just. Ah, he comes in the place of a rogue, a dog that was corrupted by the lieutenant. But this is a sturdy fellow, is he, doctor?

Rosy. As Hercules; and the best back-sword in the country. Egad, he'll make the red-coats keep

their distance.

Just. Hold a little caution-How does he look? Ser. A country-looking fellow, your worship. Just. Oh, well, well, for doctor Rosy; these rascals try all ways to get in here.

Ser. Yes, please your worship; there was one here this morning wanted to speak to you: he said his name was corporal Breakbones.

Just. Corporal Breakbones!

Ser. And drummer Crackskull came again. Just. Ay! did you ever hear of such a damned confounded crew?-Well, show the lad in here! [Exit Servant.

Rosy. Ay, he'll be your porter; he'll give the rogues an answer!

Enter Lieutenant O'CONNOR, disguised. Just. So, a tall-Efacks! what! has lost an eye? Rosy. Only a bruise he got in taking seven or eight highwaymen.

Just. He has a damned wicked leer somehow with the other.

Rosy. Oh, no, he's bashful-a sheepish look-
Just. Well, my lad, what's your name?
O'Con. Humphrey Hum.

Just. Hum-I don't like Hum!

O'Con. But I be mostly called honest Humphrey

Rosy. There, I told you so! of noted honesty. Just. Well, honest Humphrey, the doctor has told you my terms, and you are willing to serve, hey?

O'Con. And please your worship, I shall be well

content.

Just. Well, then, hark ye, honest Humphreyyou are sure now you will never be a rogue-never take a bribe, hey, honest Humphrey ?

O'Con. A bribe! what's that?

Just. A very ignorant fellow indeed!

with your honesty for money.

Rosy. His worship hopes you will never part

O'Con. Noa, noa.

Just. Well said, Humphrey !-My chief business fellow here, one lieutenant O'Connor. with you is to watch the motions of a rake-helly

Rosy. Ay, you don't value the soldiers, do you, Humphrey ?

O'Con. Not I; they are but zwaggerers, and you'll see they'll be as much afraid of me as they would of their captain.

Just. And i'faith, Humphrey, you have a pretty cudgel there!

O'Con. Ay, the zwitch is better than nothing, but I should be glad of a stouter: ha' you got such a thing in the house as an old coach-pole, or a spare bed-post?

Just. Oons! what a dragon it is!-Well, Humphrey, come with me.- -I'll just show him to Bridget, doctor, and we'll agree.-Come along, [Exit. honest Humphrey.

O'Con. My dear doctor, now remember to bring the justice presently to the walk: I have a scheme to get into his confidence at once. Rosy. I will, I will.

[They shake hands.

Re-enter Justice CREDULOUS.

Just. Why, honest Humphrey, hey! what the devil are you at?

Rosy. I was just giving him a little advice.Well, I must go for the present. Good morning to your worship-you need not fear the lieutenant while he is in your house.

Just. Well, get in, Humphrey. Good morning to you, doctor.-[Exit Doctor Rosy.] Come along, Humphrey.-Now I think I am a match for the lieutenant and all his gang. [Exeunt.

SCENE I.-A Street.

Enter Serjeant TROUNCE, Drummer, and Soldiers. Trounce. Come, silence your drum-there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to-day. Sol. Mark, serjeant!

Enter two Countrymen.

Trounce. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the looks of gentlemen.-A'n't you single, my lads?

I Coun. Yes, an please you, I be quite single : my relations be all dead, thank Heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, and she's an helpless woman.

Trounce. Indeed! a very extraordinary casequite your own master then-the fitter to serve his majesty. Can you read?

1 Coun. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main clever at it.

Trounce. So, what you're a scholar, friend? 2 Coun. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school.

Trounce. Lucky man!-in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes?

2 Coun. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant-killer, and the Dragon of Wantly, and the-noa, I believe that's all in the hero way, except once about a comet.

Trounce. Wonderful knowledge !-Well, my heroes, I'll write word to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two Magpies.

Coun. We will, your honour, we will.

Trounce. But stay; for fear I shouldn't see you again in the crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats.

1 Coun. Our hats are none of the best. Trounce. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I'll give you money to buy new ones.

Coun. Bless your honour! thank your honour! [Exeunt. Trounce. [Winking at Soldiers.] Jack! [Exeunt Soldiers.

Enter Lieutenant O'CONNOR.

Re-enter Corporal FLINT and two Soldiers. Flint. Halloa, friend! do you serve justice Credulous?

O'Con. I do.

Flint. Are you rich?

O'Con. Noa.

Flint. Nor ever will with that old stingy booby. Look here-take it. [Gives him a purse.

O'Con. What must I do for this?

Flint. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue's daughter: help us to break his worship's bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a made man.

O'Con. I'll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [Throws away the purse. Flint. What, sirrah, do you mutiny ?-Lay hold of him. O'Con. Nay then, I'll try your armour for you. [Beats them.

All. Oh! oh!-quarter ! quarter!

[Exeunt Corporal FLINT and Soldiers. Just. [Coming forward.] Trim them! trounce them! break their bones, honest Humphrey !— What a spirit he has !

Rosy. Aquafortis.

O'Con. Betray your master!

Rosy. What a miracle of fidelity!

Just. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded-I'll give him sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there's for yourself: as for this bribe, [takes up the purse,] such trash is best in the hands of justice.-Now then, doctor, I think I may

friend, will you list?

O'Con. Who shall I serve under?

Trounce. Under me, to be sure.

O'Con. Isn't lieutenant O'Connor your officer? Trounce. He is, and I am commander over him. O'Con. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains?

Trounce. To be sure we are; 'tis our business to keep them in order. For instance now, the general writes to me, Dear serjeant, or dear Trounce, or dear serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know. Yours, General Deluge.

O'Con. And do you complain of him often? Trounce. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at bottom, so I pass over small things. But hark'ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly given to wenching.

Enter Corporal FLINT.

Flint. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship.-We are all ready, and have our cues. [Exit. O'Con. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear serjeant, or my dear serjeant Trounce, take yourself away.

Trounce. Zounds! the lieutenant!-I smell of the black hole already. [Exit.

Enter Justice CREDULOUS and Doctor Rosy.

Just. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. Rosy. I fancy not; there's no one but honest Humphrey.-Ha! odds life, here come some of them-we'll stay by these trees, and let them pass. Just. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs!

[Walks aside with Doctor Rosy.

them I may go out with safety.

Rosy. Doubtless you may-I'll answer for the lieutenant's behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter.

Just. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [Exeunt.

SCENE II.-A Garden.

LAURETTA discovered. Enter Justice CREDULOUS and Lieutenant O'CONNOR.

Just. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?

Lau. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing.

Just. Why, hussy

Lau. Well then, I can't bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with—and I wish I was run away with-I do-and I wish the lieutenant knew it.

Just. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I'll take pretty good care of you.-Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care.-Now you may walk about the garden, miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go.-So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her don't be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. [Exit.

Lau. Honest Humphrey, be quiet.

O'Con. Have you forgot your faithful soldier ? Lau. Ah! Oh preserve me!

O'Con. 'Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this disguise.

Lau. Well now, I declare this is charming-you are so disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you do look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha!-You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to keep close

to me.

O'Con. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil— Lau. O pray now, dear Humphrey― O'Con. Nay, 'tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [Offers to kiss her.

Re-enter Justice CREDULOUS.

Just. Laury, my-hey! what the devil's here? Lau. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. Just. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey !-Don't let me-pray don't let me interrupt you!

Lau. Lud, papa!-Now that's so good-natured -indeed there's no harm.-You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey ?

O'Con. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me.

Just. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you don't take yourself out of my sight

Lau. Indeed, papa, now I'll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms.

Just. Oh! was that all-nothing but a little giddiness, hey?

O'Con. That's all indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up instantly. Just. Oh, 'twas very kind in you! O'Con. And luckily recovered her.

Just. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes

Lau. Oh, now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!-Oh, help!

O'Con. Oh, dear lady, she'll fall !

[Takes her into his arms. Just. Zounds! what before my face-why then, thou miracle of impudence!-[Lays hold of him and discovers him.] Mercy on me, who have we here? Murder! robbery! fire! rape! gunpowder ! soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget!

O'Con. Good sir, don't be alarmed; I mean you no harm.

Just. Thieves! robbers! soldiers!

O'Con. You know my love for your daughter-
Just. Fire! cut-throats!

O'Con. And that alone-
Just. Treason! gunpowder!

Enter a Servant with a blunderbuss.

Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant.
Lau. O papa, you'll kill me!

Rosy. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him : faint, peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, that her little doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her pulse-declare my own sufferings in my receipt for her-send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over; no happiness lasting all is vanity-now sunshine, now cloudy-we are, as it were, king and beggar: -then what avails

Enter Lieutenant O'CONNOR.

O'Con. O doctor! ruined and undone.
Rosy. The pride of beauty-
O'Con. I am discovered, and---
Rosy. The gaudy palace-
O'Con. The justice is-
Rosy. The pompous wig-
O'Con. Is more enraged than ever.
Rosy. The gilded cane-
O'Con. Why, doctor!

[Slapping him on the shoulder.

Rosy. Hey! O'Con. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, disappointed.

Rosy. Indeed! gook lack! good lack! to think of the instability of human affairs !-Nothing certain in this world-most deceived when most con

fident-fools of fortune all.

O'Con. My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put in execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your assistance to recover my ground.

Rosy. With all my heart. I'll warrant you I'll bear a part in it: but how the deuse were you discovered?

O'Con. I'll tell you as we go; there's not a moment to be lost.

Rosy. Heaven send we succeed better !-but there's no knowing.

O'Con. Very true.

Rosy. We may, and we may not.
O'Con. Right.

Rosy. Time must show.
O'Con. Certainly.

Rosy. We are but blind guessers.
O'Con. Nothing more.

Rosy. Thick-sighted mortals.
O'Con. Remarkably.

Rosy. Wandering in error.

O'Con. Even so.
Rosy. Futurity is dark.
O'Con. As a cellar.
Rosy. Men are moles.

[Exeunt, Lieutenant O'CONNOR forcing out Rosy.

SCENE IV.-A Room in Justice CREDULOUS' House.

Enter Justice CREDULOUS, and Mrs. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Just. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have deceived a chief justice: the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden.

Mrs. Bri. Pho! nonsense, honesty !-what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum; and miss too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta, ay, you would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen christian names if you had called her Deborah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name. Just. Psha, you're a fool!

Mrs. Bri. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on.

Just. Why, zounds, madam, how durst you talk so ? If you have no respect for your husband, I should think unus quorum might command a little deference.

Mrs. Bri. Don't tell me!-Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you'll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about town.

Just. Is this language for his majesty's representative? By the statutes, it's high treason and petty treason, both at once!

Enter Servant.

Ser. A letter for your worship.

Just. Who brought it?

Ser. A soldier.

Just. Take it away and burn it.

Let

Mrs. Bri. Stay!-Now you're in such a hurry -it is some canting scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose.-[Takes the letter.-Exit Servant.] me see :-ay, 'tis signed O'Connor. Just. Well, come read it out.

Mrs. Bri. [Reads.] Revenge is sweet. Just. It begins so, does it? I'm glad of that; I'll let the dog know I'm of his opinion.

Mrs. Bri. [Reads.] And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural father; for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a dose of poison.-Mercy on us!

Just. No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie.

Mrs. Bri. Read it yourself.

Just. [Reads.] Pleasure to administer a dose of poison !-Oh, horrible! Cut-throat villain! Bridget!

Ser. Your worship!

Just. Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning?

Ser. Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds.

Just. What colour were they?
Ser. Blackish, your worship.

Just. Ay, arsenic, black arsenic !-Why don't you run for doctor Rosy, you rascal? Ser. Now, sir?

Mrs. Bri. Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain let him run for the lawyer to witness your will, my life.

Just. Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate murderers.

[Exit.

Serv. Oh, here he is, your worship. Just. Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation be apparent.

Enter Doctor Rosy.

Rosy. I have but just called to inform-hey! bless me, what's the matter with your worship?

Just. There, he sees it already!-Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, I'm a sure job for the undertakers indeed!

Mrs. Bri. Oh! oh! alas, doctor!

Just. Peace, Bridget!-Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any change in me? Rosy. Change! never was a man so altered: how came these black spots on your nose?

Just. Spots on my nose!

Rosy. And that wild stare in your right eye!
Just. In my right eye!

Rosy. Ay, and alack, alack, how you are swelled!

Just. Swelled!

Rosy. Ay, don't you think he is, madam? Mrs. Bri. Oh, 'tis in vain to conceal it!-Indeed, lovee, you are as big again as you were this morning.

Just. Yes, I feel it now-I'm poisoned!-Doctor, help me, for the love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. Rosy. What?

Just. I'm poisoned, I say!
Rosy. Speak out!

Just. What! can't you hear me?

Rosy. Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can't hear a word you say.

Just. I'm gone then!-Hic jacet, many years one of his majesty's justices!

Mrs. Bri. Read, doctor!-Ah, lovee, the will! -Consider, my life, how soon you will be dead. Just. No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. Rosy. I never heard such monstrous iniquity.— Oh, you are gone indeed, my friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later-high and low-Death's a debt; his mandamus binds all alike-no bail, no demurrer.