Care. Right, Moses-usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to succeed.

Sir Oliv. Then here's - all the success it deserves ! [Drinks.

Care. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.

1 Gent. A pint bumper, at least. Mos. O pray, sir, consider-Mr. Premium's a gentleman.

Care. And therefore loves good wine.

2 Gent. Give Moses a quart glass-this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair.

Care. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of my bottle.

Sir Oliv. Nay, pray, gentlemen-I did not expect this usage.

Chas. Surf. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger.

Sir Oliv. Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. [Aside.

Care. Plague on 'em then! if they don't drink, we'll not sit down with them.-Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.-Charles, you'll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?

Chas. Surf. I will! I will!-[Exeunt Sir HARRY BUMPER and Gentlemen; CARELESS following.] Careless!

Care. [Returning.] Well!

Chas. Surf. Perhaps I may want you.

Care. Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all the same to me.

[Exit.

Mos. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes.-Mr. Premium, this is

-

Chas. Surf. Psha! have done.-Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without farther ceremony.

Sir Oliv. Exceeding frank, upon my word.-I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments. Chas. Surf. Oh, no, sir! plain-dealing in business I always think best.

Sir Oliv. Sir, I like you the better for it.However, you are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog.-Isn't he, Moses?

Mos. But you can't help that.

Sir Oliv. And must sell stock to accommodate

you.-Mustn't he, Moses?

Chas. Surf. Right. People that speak truth generally do.-But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't!

Sir Oliv. Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose?

Chas. Surf. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough-pots out of the window! Sir Oliv. Nor any stock, I presume?

Chas. Surf. Nothing but live stock-and that's only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connexions?

Sir Oliv. Why, to say truth, I am.

Chas. Surf. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the East Indies, sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations?

Sir Oliv. That you have a wealthy uncle I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out, is more, I believe, than you can tell.

Chas. Surf. O no !-there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.

Sir Oliv. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, 'tis just so.-Moses knows 'tis true; don't you, Moses?

Mos. O yes! I'll swear to't.

Sir Oliv. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal.

[Aside.

Chas. Surf. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a post-obit on sir Oliver's life though at the same time the old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.

Sir Oliv. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me-for I might live to a hundred, and never see the principal.

Chas. Surf. O yes, you would! the moment sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money.

Sir Oliv. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life.

Chas. Surf. What! I suppose you're afraid that sir Oliver is too good a life?

Sir Oliv. No, indeed, I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.

Chas. Surf. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver! Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations don't know him.

Sir Oliv. No! ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest relations don't know him! ha ha ha! egad-ha! ha! ha!

Chas. Surf. Ha! ha!-you're glad to hear that, little Premium?

Sir Oliv. No, no, I'm not.

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, you are-ha! ha! ha!you know that mends your chance.

Sir Oliv. But I'm told sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is actually arrived.

Chas. Surf. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or not. No, no, rely on't

Mos. O yes, certainly.

Sir Oliv. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses ?

Mos. Yes, most undoubted!

Sir Oliv. But, sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?

Chas. Surf. How do you mean?

Sir Oliv. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.

Chas. Surf. O Lud! that's gone long ago.Moses can tell you how better than I can.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation-bowls!-[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and compact

Chas. Surf. Yes, yes, so it was ;-vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family like an heir-loom![Aloud.] Pray, what are become of the books?

Chas. Surf. You must inquire of the auctioneer, master Premium, for I don't believe even Moses can direct you.

Mos. I know nothing of books.

Sir Oliv. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?

Chas. Surf. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family-pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and if you have a taste for paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!

Sir Oliv. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your forefathers, would you?

Chas. Surf. Every man of them, to the best bidder.

Sir Oliv. What! your great uncles and aunts? Chas. Surf. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Now I give him up!— [Aloud.] What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?

Chas. Surf. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry what need you care, if you have your money's worth?

Sir Oliv. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvas.-[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!

Re-enter CARELESS.

Care. Come, Charles, what keeps you?

Chas. Surf. I can't come yet.-I'faith, we are going to have a sale above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!

Care. Oh, burn your ancestors!

Chas. Surf. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer-so come along with

us.

[Aside.

Care. Oh, have with you, if that's the case.Handle a hammer as well as a dice-box! Sir Oliv. Oh, the profligates! Chas. Surf. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one.-Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?

Sir Oliv. O yes, I do, vastly!-Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction-ha! ha!— [Aside.] Oh, the prodigal!

Chas. Surf. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations?

[Exeunt.

SCENE I.-A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House.

Enter CHARLES SURFACE, Sir OLIVER SURFACE, MOSES, and CARELESS.

Chas. Surf. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in ; -here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.

Sir Oliv. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait painting;-no volontière grace and expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrives to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness-all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.

Sir Oliv. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.

Chas. Surf. I hope not.-Well, you see, master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I

sit of an evening surrounded by my family.-But, come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of my father's will answer the purpose.

Care. Ay, ay, this will do.-But, Charles, I haven't a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?

Chas. Surf. Egad, that's true.-What parchment have we here?-Oh, our genealogy in full.-Here, Careless; you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree. Sir Oliv. What an unnatural rogue!-an ex post facto parricide!

[Aside.

Care. Yes, yes, here's a bit of your generation indeed;-faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for 'twill serve not only as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain.-Come, begin-A-going, a-going, a-going!

Chas. Surf. Bravo, Careless!-Well, here's my great-uncle, sir Richard Raveline, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served

in all the duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? Look at himthere's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be.What do you bid?

Mos. Mr. Premium would have you speak. Chas. Surf. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure that's not dear for a staff-officer.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds !-[Aloud.] Well, sir, I take him at that.

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, thought to be in his best manner, and a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten -the sheep are worth the money.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself!-[Aloud.] Five pounds ten-she's mine.

Chas. Surf. Knock down my aunt Deborah !Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs. You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.

Sir Oliv. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower in those days.

Chas. Surf. Well, take that couple for the same. Mos. 'Tis good bargain.

Chas. Surf. Careless !-This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit.-What do you rate him at, Moses ?

Chas. Surf. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, esquires, both members of parliament, and noted speakers, and what's very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold.

Sir Oliv. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your own price, for the honour of parliament.

Care. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.

Chas. Surf. Here's a jolly fellow-I don't know what relation, but he was mayor of Manchester : take him at eight pounds.

Sir Oliv. No, no; six will do for the mayor. Chas. Surf. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen there into the bargain.

Sir Oliv. They're mine.

Chas. Surf. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale what say you, little Premium? Give us three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.

Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.

Sir Oliv. Well, well, anything to accommodate

you;-they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.

Care. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?

Sir Oliv. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any

means.

Chas. Surf. What, that?-Oh! that's my uncle Oliver; 'twas done before he went to India.

Care. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't.-Don't you think so, little Premium ?

Sir Oliv. Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?

Chas. Surf. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room to put it in.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!-[Aloud.] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.

Chas. Surf. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it.-Oons, haven't you got enough

of them?

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] I forgive him everything![Aloud.] But, sir, when I take a whim in my head I don't value money. I'll give you as much for

that as for all the rest.

Chas. Surf. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with it, and there's an end of it.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is !-[Aloud.] Well, well, I have done.-[Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance.-[Aloud.] Here is a draught for your sum.

Chas. Surf. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds! Sir Oliv. You will not let sir Oliver go?

Chas. Surf. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more. Sir Oliv. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another time.-But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles-I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.Come, Moses.

Chas. Surf. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!-But hark'ee, Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or

two.

Chas. Surf. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages. Sir Oliv. I will, I will-for all but Oliver. Chas. Surf. Ay, all but the little nabob. Sir Oliv. You're fixed on that?

Chas. Surf. Peremptorily.

Sir Oliv. [Aside.] Á dear extravagant rogue !— [Aloud.] Good day!-Come, Moses.-[Aside.] Let me hear now who calls him profligate!

[Exit with MOSES. Care. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever saw !

Chas. Surf. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow.-Ha! here's Rowley.-Do,

Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your old acquaintance.

Row. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such spirits under so many distresses.

Chas. Surf. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't afford to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure 'tis very affecting: but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?

Row. There's no making you serious a moment. Chas. Surf. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley.

Row. A hundred pounds! Consider onlyChas. Surf. Gad's life, don't talk about it! poor Stanley's wants are pressing, and, if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that has a better right to the money.

Row. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old proverb

Chas. Surf. Be just before you're generous. -Why, so I would if I could; but Justice is an old lame, hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace with Generosity for the soul of me.

Row. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's reflection

Chas. Surf. Ay, ay, it's all very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I'll give; so, damn your economy and now for hazard. [Exeunt.

SCENE II.-Another room in the same.

Enter Sir OLIVER SURFACE and MOSES. Mos. Well, sir, I think, as sir Peter said, you have seen Mr. Charles in high glory; 'tis great pity he's so extravagant.

Sir Oliv. True, but he would not sell my picture.
Mos. And loves wine and women so much.
Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my picture.
Mos. And games so deep.

Sir Oliv. But he would not sell my picture.Oh, here's Rowley.

Enter RowLEY.

Row. So, sir Oliver, I find you have made a purchase

Sir Oliv. Yes, yes, our young rake has parted with his ancestors like old tapestry.

Row. And here has he commissioned me to redeliver you part of the purchase money-I mean, though in your necessitous character of old Stanley.

Mos. Ah! there is the pity of all; he is so damned charitable.

Row. And I left a hosier and two tailors in the hall, who, I'm sure, won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy them.

Sir Oliv. Well, well, I'll pay his debts, and his benevolence too. But now I am no more a broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder brother as old Stanley.

Row. Not yet a while; sir Peter, I know, means to call there about this time.

SCENE III.-A Library in JOSEPH SURFACE'S House.

Enter JOSEPH SURFACE and Servant. Jos. Surf. No letter from lady Teazle? Ser. No, sir.

Jos. Surf. [Aside.] I am surprised she has not sent, if she is prevented from coming. Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me. Yet I wish I may not lose the heiress, through the scrape I have drawn myself into with the wife; however, Charles's imprudence and bad character are great points in my favour. [Knocking without. Ser. Sir, I believe that must be lady Teazle. Jos. Surf. Hold !-See whether it is or not before you go to the door: I have a particular message for you if it should be my brother.

Ser. 'Tis her ladyship, sir; she always leaves her chair at the milliner's in the next street.

Jos. Surf. Stay, stay; draw that screen before the window-that will do ;-my opposite neighbour is a maiden lady of so anxious a temper.[Servant draws the screen, and exit.] I have a difficult hand to play in this affair. Lady Teazle has lately suspected my views on Maria; but she must by no means be let into that secret,-at least, till I have her more in my power.

Enter Lady TEAZLE.

Lady Teaz. What, sentiment in soliloquy now? Have you been very impatient? O Lud! don't

pretend to look grave. I vow I couldn't come before.

Jos. Surf. O madam, punctuality is a species of constancy, a very unfashionable quality in a lady.

Lady Teaz. Upon my word, you ought to pity me. Do you know sir Peter is grown so illnatured to me of late, and so jealous of Charles too-that's the best of the story, isn't it?

Jos. Surf. I am glad my scandalous friends keep that up. [Aside. Lady Teaz. I am sure I wish he would let Maria marry him, and then perhaps he would be convinced; don't you, Mr. Surface?

Jos. Surf. [Aside.] Indeed I do not.-[Aloud.] Oh, certainly I do! for then my dear lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having any design on the silly girl.

Lady Teaz. Well, well, I'm inclined to believe you. But isn't it provoking, to have the most ill-natured things said of one? And there's my friend lady Sneerwell has circulated I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any foundation too; that's what vexes me.

Jos. Surf. Ay, madam, to be sure, that is the provoking circumstance-without foundation; yes, yes, there's the mortification, indeed; for when a scandalous story is believed against one, there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it.

Lady Teaz. No, to be sure, then I'd forgive their malice; but to attack me, who am really so innocent, and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody-that is, of any friend; and then sir Peter too, to have him so peevish, and so suspicious, when I know the integrity of my own heart-indeed 'tis monstrous !

Jos. Surf. But, my dear lady Teazle, 'tis your own fault if you suffer it. When a husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his wife, and withdraws his confidence from her, the original compact is broken, and she owes it to the honour of her sex to outwit him.

Lady Teaz. Indeed!-So, that if he suspects me without cause, it follows, that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't?

Jos. Surf. Undoubtedly - for your husband should never be deceived in you: and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discernment.

Lady Teaz. To be sure, what you say is very reasonable, and when the consciousness of my innocence

Jos. Surf. Ah, my dear madam, there is the great mistake! 'tis this very conscious innocence that is of the greatest prejudice to you. What is it makes you negligent of forms, and careless of the world's opinion? why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you thoughtless in your conduct, and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences? why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you impatient of sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions? why, the consciousness of your innocence.

Lady Teaz. 'Tis very true!

Jos. Surf. Now, my dear lady Teazle, if you would but once make a trifling faux pas, you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour and agree with your husband. Lady Teaz. Do you think so?

Jos. Surf. Oh! I am sure on't; and then you would find all scandal would cease at once, for-in short, your character at present is like a person in a plethora, absolutely dying from too much health. Lady Teaz. So, so; then I perceive your prescription is, that I must sin in my own defence, and part with my virtue to secure my reputation?

Jos. Surf. Exactly so, upon my credit, ma'am. Lady Teaz. Well, certainly this is the oddest doctrine, and the newest receipt for avoiding calumny ! Pru

Jos. Surf. An infallible one, believe me. dence, like experience, must be paid for.

Lady Teaz. Why, if my understanding were once convinced

Jos. Surf. Oh, certainly, madam, your understanding should be convinced.-Yes, yes-Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything you thought wrong. No, no, I have too much honour to desire it.

Lady Teaz. Don't you think we may as well leave honour out of the question?

Jos. Surf. Ah! the ill effects of your country education, I see, still remain with you.

Lady Teaz. I doubt they do indeed; and I will fairly own to you, that if I could be persuaded to do wrong, it would be by sir Peter's ill usage sooner than your honourable logic, after all. Jos. Surf. Then, by this hand, which he is unworthy of[Taking her hand.

Re-enter Servant.

'Sdeath, you blockhead-what do you want? Ser. I beg your pardon, sir, but I thought you would not choose sir Peter to come up without announcing him.

Jos. Surf. Sir Peter!-Oons-the devil! Lady Teaz. Sir Peter! O Lud! I'm ruined! I'm ruined!

Ser. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in.

Lady Teaz. Oh! I'm quite undone ! What will become of me? Now, Mr. Logic-Oh! he's on the stairs-I'll get behind here-and if ever I'm so imprudent again[Goes behind the screen.

Jos. Surf. Give me that book. [Sits down. Servant pretends to adjust his hair.

Enter Sir PETER TEAZLE.

Sir Pet. Ay, ever improving himself—Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface

Jos. Surf. Oh! my dear sir Peter, I beg your pardon. [Gaping, throws away the book.] I have been dozing over a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged to you for this call. You haven't been here, I believe, since I fitted up this room. Books, you know, are the only things in which I am a coxcomb.

Sir Pet. "Tis very neat indeed. Well, well, that's proper; and you can make even your screen a source of knowledge-hung, I perceive, with maps.

Jos. Surf. O yes, I find great use in that screen. Sir Pet. I dare say you must, certainly, when you want to find anything in a hurry.

Jos. Surf. Ay, or to hide anything in a hurry either. [Aside. Sir Pet. Well, I have a little private businessJos. Surf. You need not stay. [To Servant. Ser. No, sir. [Exit.

Jos. Surf. Here's a chair, sir Peter-I begSir Pet. Well, now we are alone, there is a sub

H