Mrs Gro. Ha, ha, ha! And so, my dear, it's your supreme wish that I should be quite wretched upon this occasion? Ha, ha. Cro. [Mimicking.] Ha, ha, ha! and so, my dear, it's your supreme pleasure to give me no better consolation? Mrs Cro. Positively, my dear: what is this incendiary stuff and trumpery to me? Our house may travel through the air like the house of Loret to, for aught I care, if I'm to be miserable in it. Cro. Would to Heaven it were converted into an house of correction for your benefit. Have we not every thing to alarm us? Perhaps this very moment the tragedy is beginning. Mrs Cro. Then let us reserve our distress till the rising of the curtain, or give them the money they want, and have done with them. Čro. Give them my money!-And pray, what right have they to my money? Mrs Cro. And pray, what right then have you to my good humour ? Cro And so your good humour advises me to part with my money? Why then, to tell your good humour a piece of my mind, I'd sooner part with my wife. Here's Mr Honeywood, see what he'll say to it.-My dear Honeywood, look at this incendiary letter dropped at my door. It will freeze you with terror; and yet lovey here can read it, and laugh. Mrs Cro. Yes, and so will Mr Honeywood. Cro. If he does, I'll suffer to be hanged the next minute in the rogue's place, that's all. Mrs Cro. Speak, Mr Honeywood; is there any thing more foolish than my husband's fright upon this occasion? Hon. It would not become me to decide, madam; but, doubtless, the greatness of his terrors now will but invite them to renew their villainy another time. Mrs Cro. I told you he'd be of my opinion. Cro. How, sir! do you maintain that I should lie down under such an injury, and shew, neither by my tears or complaints, that I have something of the spirit of a man in me? Hon. Pardon me, sir. You ought to make the loudest complaints, if you desire redress. The surest way to have redress, is to be earnest in the pursuit of it. Cro. Ay, whose opinion is he of now? Mrs Cro. But don't you think that laughing off our fears is the best way? Hon. What is the best, madam, few can say ; but I'll maintain it to be a very wise way. Cro. But we are talking of the best. Surely the best way is to face the enemy in the field, and not wait till he plunders us in our very bed-chamber. very wise way too. Hon. Why, sir, as to the best, that-that's a Mrs Cro. But can any thing be more absurd, than to double our distresses by our apprehensions, and put it in the power of every low fellow, that can scrawl ten words of wretched spelling, to torment us? Hon. Without doubt; nothing more absurd. Cro. How! would it not be more absurd to des pise the rattle till we are bit by the snake? Hon. Without doubt, perfectly absurd. Cro. Then you are of my opinion? Hon. Entirely. Mrs Cro. And you reject mine? Hon. Heavens forbid, madam! No, sure no reasoning can be more just than yours. We ought certainly to despise malice, if we cannot oppose it, and not make the incendiary's pen as fatal to our repose as the highwayman's pistol. Mrs Cro. O then you think I'm quite right? Cro. A plague of plagues! we cann't be both right.- -I ought to be sorry, or I ought to be glad.My hat must be on my head, or my hat must be off. Mrs Cro. Certainly, in two opposite opinions, if one be perfectly reasonable, the other cann't be perfectly right. Hon. And why may not both be right, madam? Mr Croaker in earnestly seeking redress, and you in waiting the event with good humour. Pray let me see the letter again. I have it. This letter requires twenty guineas to be left at the bar of the Talbot inn. If it be indeed an incendiary letter, what if you and I, sir, go there; and, when the writer comes to be paid his expected booty, seize him? Cro. My dear friend, it's the very thing; the very thing. While I walk by the door, you shall plant yourself in ambush near the bar; burst out upon the miscreant like a masked battery; extort a confession at once, and so hang him up by surprise. Hon. Yes; but I would not choose to exercise too much severity. It is my maxim, sir, that crimes generally punish themselves. Cro. Well, but we may upbraid him a little, I suppose? [Ironically. Hon. Ay, but not punish him too rigidly. Cro. Well, well, leave that to my own benevolence. Hon. Well, I do : but remember that universal benevolence is the first law of nature. [Exeunt HONEYWOOD and Mrs CROAKER. Cro. Yes; and my universal benevolence will hang the dog, if he had as many necks as a hydra. Exit. 532 SCENE I.-An Inn. Enter OLIVIA and JARVIS. ACT V. Olic. Well, we have got safe to the inn, however. Now, if the post-chaise were ready Jar. The horses are just finishing their oats; and, as they are not going to be married, they choose to take their own time. Oliv. You are for ever giving wrong motives to my impatience. Jar. Be as impatient as you will, the horses don't conmust take their own time; besides, you sider we have got no answer from our fellow traveller yet. If we hear nothing from Mr Leontine, we have only one way left us. Oliv. What way? Jur. The way home again. Oliv. Not so. I have made a resolution to go, and nothing shall induce me to break it. Jar. Ay, resolutions are well kept when they jump with inclination. However, I'll go hasten things without. And I'll call too at the bar to see if any things should be left for us there. Don't be in such a plaguy hurry, madam, and we shall [Exit JARVIS. go the faster, I promise you. Enter Landlady. Land. What! Solomon ; why don't you move? Pipes and tobacco for the Lamb there.--Will nobody answer? To the Dolphin ; quick. Angel has been outrageous this half hour. your ladyship call, madam ? Oliv. No, madam. The Did Land. I find, as you're for Scotland, madamBut that's no business of mine; married, or not married, I ask no questions. To be sure, we had a sweet little couple set off from this two days ago for the same place. The gentleman, for a tailor, was, to be sure, as fine a spoken tailor as ever blew froth from a full pot, and the young lady so bashful, it was near half an hour before we could get her to finish a pint of raspberry be tween us. Oliv. But this gentleman and I are not going to be married, I assure you. Land. May be not. That's no business of mine; for certain, Scotch marriages seldom turn out. There was, of my own knowledge, Miss Macfag, that married her father's footman.-Alack-a-day! she and her husband soon parted, and now keep separate cellars in Hedge-lane. Oliv. A very pretty picture of what lies before [Aside me! Enter LEONTINE. Leo. My dear Olivia, my anxiety till you were could not help coming to see you set out, thor it exposes us to a discovery. Ohm. May every thing you do prove as fortunat Indeed, Leontine, we have been most cruellyd the c appointed. Mr Honeywood's bill upon has, it seems, been protested, and we have bee utterly at a loss how to proceed. Leo. How! An offer of his own too. Se he could not mean to deceive us. Oliv. Depend upon his sincerity; he only took the desire for the power of serving us. B: let us think no more of it. I believe the poc chaise is ready by this. Land. Not quite yet: and, begging your las ship's pardon, I don't think your ladyship ga ready for the post-chaise. The north ros cold place, madam. I have a drop in the hors of as pretty raspberry as ever was tipt over tone Just a thimble-full to keep the wind off your e the last couple we had he mach. To be sure, they said it was a perfect nosegay. Ecod. Is them both away as good-natured-Up went t blinds, round went the wheels, and drive 24 ost-boy, was the word. Enter CROAKER. Cro. Well, while my friend Honeywood is the post of danger at the bar, it must be my b ness to have an eye about me here. I think I an incendiary's look; for, wherever the devil... a purchase, he never fails to set his mark. Hala have we here? My son and daughter! Wha they be doing here? Land. I tell you, madam, it will do you go I think I know by this time what's good fort north road. It's a raw night, madam.—Sir Leo. Not a drop more, good madam. 182 now take it as a greater favour if you hasten horses, for I am afraid to be seen myself. Land. That shall be done. Wha, Solomon I you all dead there? Wha, Solomon, I say. [Exit bez expedition be in fear should end in repentance. Every we stay increases our danger, and adds to my prehensions. Oliv. Well, I dread least an Leo. There's no danger, trust me, my dear can be none: if Honeywood has acted w nour, and kept my fatlier, as he promised, i ployment till we are out of danger, notlar interrupt our journey. Oliv. I have no doubt of Mr Honeywood's cerity, and even his desires to serve us. M are from your father's suspicions. A mod disposed to be alarmed without a cause, but too ready when there's a reason. Leo. Why, let him, when we are out power. But, believe me, Olivia, you have out of danger was too great to be resisted. I great reason to dread his resentment. He pining temper, as it does no manner of injury to himself, so will it never do harm to others. He only frets to keep himself employed, and scolds for his private amusement. Oliv. I don't know that; but am sure, on some occasions, it makes him look most shockingly. Cro. [Discovering himself.] How does he look now-How does he look now? Oliv. Ah! Lco. Undone ! Cro. How do I look now? Sir, I am your very humble servant. Madam, I am yours. What, you are going off, are you? Then, first, if you please, take a word or two from me with you before you go. Tell me first where you are going? and when you have told me that, perhaps, I shall know as little as I did before. Leo. If that be so, our answer might but increase your displeasure, without adding to your informa tion. Cro. I want no information from you, puppy. and you too, good madam, what answer have you got? Eh, [A cry without, stop him!] I think I heard a noise. My friend, Honeywood, without-has he seized the incendiary? Ah, no, for now I hear no more on't. Leo. Honeywood without! Then, sir, it was Mr Honeywood that directed you hither? Cro. No, sir, it was Mr Honeywood conducted me hither. Leo. Is it possible? Cro. Possible! Why, he's in the house now, sir. More anxious about me than my own son, sir. Leo. Then, sir, he's a villain. Cro. How, sirrah! a villain, because he takes most care of your father? I'll not bear it. I tell you I'll not bear it. Honeywood is a friend to the family, and I'll have him treated as such. Leo. I shall study to repay his friendship as it deserves. Cro. Ah, rogue, if you knew how earnestly he entered into my griefs, and pointed out the means to detect them, you would love him as I do. [Acry without, stop him!] Fire and fury! they have seized the incendiary: they have the villain, the incendiary in view. Stop him, stop an incendiary, a murderer; stop him! [Exit. Oliv. Ob, my terrors! What can this new tumult mean? Leo. Some new mark, I suppose, of Mr Honeywood's sincerity. But we shall have satisfaction: he shall give me instant satisfaction. Oliv. It must not be, my Leontine, if you value my esteem, or my happiness. Whatever be our fate, let us not add guilt to our misfortunes-Consider that our innocence will shortly be all we have Jeft us. You must forgive him. Leo. Forgive him! Has he not in every instance betrayed us? Forced me to borrow money from him, which appears a mere trick to delay us: proFaised to keep my father engaged till we were out of danger, and here brought him to the very scene of our escape! Oliv. Don't be precipitate. We may yet be misLaken. Enter Post-Boy, dragging in JARVIS: HONEYWOOD entering soon after. Post. Ay, master, we have him fast enough. Here is the incendiary dog. I'm entitled to the reward; I'll take my oath I saw him ask for the money at the bar, and then run for it. Hon. Come, bring him along. Let us see him. Let him learn to blush for his crimes. [Discovering his mistake.] Death! what's here! Jarvis, Leontine, Olivia! What can all this mean? Jar. Why, I'll tell you what it means: that I was an old fool, and that you are my master-that's all. Hon. Confusion! Leo. Yes, sir, I find you have kept your word with me. After such baseness, I wonder how you can venture to see the man you have injured. Hon. My dear Leontine, by my life, my honourLeo. Peace, peace, for shame! and do not continue to aggravate baseness by hypocrisy. I know you, sir, I know you. Hon. Why, won't you hear me? By all that's just, I knew not Leo. Hear you, sir! to what purpose? I now see through all your low arts; your ever complying with every opinion; your never refusing any request; your friendship as common as a prostitute's favours, and as fallacious; all these, sir, have long been contemptible to the world, and are now perfectly so to me. Hon. Ha! contemptible to the world! That reaches me. Aside. Leo. All the seeming sincerity of your professions I now find were only allurements to betray; and all your seeming regret for their consequences only calculated to cover the cowardice of your heart. Draw, villain ! Enter CROAKER, out of Breath. Cro. Where is the villain? Where is the incendiary? [Seizing the Post-Boy.] Hold him fast, the dog he has the gallows in his face. Come, you dog, confess; confess all, and hang yourself. Post. Zounds, master! what do you throttle me for? Cro. [Beating him.] Dog, do you resist ; do you resist? Post. Zounds, master! I'm not he; there's the man that we thought was the rogue, and turns out to be one of the company. Cro. How ! Hon. Mr Croaker, we have all been under a strange mistake here; I find there is nobody guilty; it was all an error; entirely an error of our own. Cro. And I say, sir, that you're in an error; for there's guilt and double guilt, a plot, a damn'd jesuitical pestilential plot, and I must have proof of it. Hon. Do but hear me. Cro. What, you intend to bring 'em off, I suppose; I'll hear nothing. Hon. Madam, you seem at least calm enough to hear reason. Oliv. Excuse me. Hon. Good Jarvis, let me then explain it to you. Jar. What signifies explanations, when the thing is done? Hon. Will nobody hear me? Was there ever such a set, so blinded by passion and prejudice? [To the Post-boy.] My good friend, I believe you'll be surprised when I assure you———— Post. Sure me nothing-I'm sure of nothing but a good beating. Cro. Come then, you, madam, if you ever hope for any favour or forgiveness, tell me sincerely all you know of this affair. Oliv. Unhappily, sir, I'm but too much the cause of your suspicions: you see before you, sir, one that, with false pretences, has stept into your family to betray it: not your daughter Cro. Not my daughter! Oliv. Not your daughter, but a mean deceiver -who-support me-I cannot Hon. Help! she's going; give her air. Cro. Ay, ay, take the young woman to the air; I would not hurt a hair of her head, whose ever daughter she may be-not so bad as that neither. [Exeunt all but CROAKER. Cro. Yes, yes, all's out; I now see the whole affair: my son is either married, or going to be so, to his lady, whom he imposed upon me as his sister. Ay, certainly so, and yet I don't find it afflicts me so uch as one might think. There's the advantage of fretting away our misfortunes beforehand, we never feel them when they come. Enter Miss RICHLAND and Sir WILLIAM. Sir Wil. But how do you know, madam, that my nephew intends setting off from this place? was tried to fix her for life in a convent, contrary to her inclinations. Of this I was informed upon my arrival at Paris; and, as I had been once her father's friend, I did all in my power to frustrate her guardian's base intentions. I had even meditated to rescue her from his authority, when your son stept in with more pleasing violence, gave her liberty, and you a daughter. Cro. But I intend to have a daughter of my own choosing, sir: a young lady, sir, whose fortune, by my interest with those that have interest, will be double what my son has a right to expect. Do you know Mr Lofty, sir? Sir Wil. Yes, sir; and know that you are deceived in him. But step this way, and I'll con vince you. [CROAKER and Sir WILLIAM seem to confer. Enter HONEYWOOD. Hon. Obstinate man, still to persist in his out rage! Insulted by him, despised by all, I now begin to grow contemptible, even to myself. How have I sunk by too great an assiduity to please! How have I overtax'd all my abilities, lest the approba tion of a single fool should escape me! But all! is now over; I have survived my reputation, my fortune, my friendships, and nothing remains hence forward for me but solitude and repentance. Miss Rich. Is it true, Mr Honeywood, that you are setting off, without taking leave of your friends? The report is, that you are quitting England. Can it be? Hon. Yes, madam; and tho' I am so unhappy as to have fallen under your displeasure, yet, thank Miss Rich. My maid assured me he was come Heaven, I leave you to happiness; to one who loves to this inn, and my own knowledge of his intend-you, and deserves your love; to one who has power ing to leave the kingdom, suggested the rest. But to procure you affluence, and generosity to improve what do I see, my guardian here before us! Who, your enjoyment of it. my dear sir, could have expected meeting you here? To what accident do we owe this pleasure? Cro. To a fool, I believe. Miss Rich. But to what purpose did you come? Cro. To play the fool. Miss Rich. But with whom? Cro. With greater fools than myself. Gro. Why, Mr Honeywood brought me here, to do nothing now I am here; and my son is going to be married to I don't know who that is here; so now you are as wise as I am. Miss Rich. Married! to whom, sir? Gro. To Olivia; my daughter, as I took her to be; but who the devil she is, or whose daughter she is, I know no more than the man in the moon. Sir Wil. Then, sir, I can inform you; and, tho' a stranger, yet you shall find me a friend to your family: it will be enough at present to assure you, that, both in point of birth and fortune, the young lady is at least your son's equal. Being left by her father, Sir James Woodville Gro. Sir James Woodville! What, of the West? Sir Wil. Being left by him, I say, to the care of a mercenary wretch, whose only aim was to secure her fortune to himself, she was sent into France, under pretence of education; and there every art Miss Rich. And are you sure, sir, that the gen tleman you mean is what you describe him? Hon. I have the best assurances of it-his serving me. He does indeed deserve the highest happiness, and that is in your power to confer. As for me, weak and wavering as I have been, obliged by all and incapable of serving any, what happiness can I find but in solitude? What hope but in being forgotten? Miss Rich. A thousand to live among friends that esteem you, whose happiness it will be to be permitted to oblige you. Hon. No, madam, my resolution is fix'd. Inferiority among strangers is easy: but among those that once were equals, insupportable. Nay, to shew you how far my resolution can go, I can now speak with calmness of my former follies, my vanity, my dissipation, my weakness. I will even confess, that, among the number of my other presumptions, 1 had the insolence to think of loving you. Yes, madam, while I was pleading the passion of ano ther, my heart was tortured with its own. But it is over, it was unworthy our friendship, and let it be forgotten. Miss Rich. You amaze me! Hon. But you'll forgive it, I know you will, since the confession should not have come from me even now, but to convince you of the sincerity of my intention of-never mentioning it more. [Going. Miss Rich. Stay, sir, one moment-Ha! he herc Enter LOFTY. I Lof. Is the coast clear? None but friends. have followed you here with a trifling piece of intelligence: but it goes no farther; things are not yet ripe for a discovery. I have spirits working at a certain board; your affair at the treasury will be done in less than a thousand years. Mum! Miss Rich. Sooner, sir, I should hope. Lof. Why, yes, I believe it may, if it falls into proper hands, that know where to push and where to parry; that know how the land lies-eh, Honeywood? Miss Rich. It is fallen into yours. Lof. Well, to keep you no longer in suspense, your thing is done. It is done, I say—that's all. I have just had assurances from Lord Neverout, that the claim has been examined, and found admissible. Quietus is the word, madam. Hon. But how! his lordship has been at Newmarket these ten days. Lof. Indeed! then Sir Gilbert Goose must have been most damnably mistaken. I had it of him. Miss Rich. He! why Sir Cilbert and his family have been in the country this month. Lof. This month! it must certainly be soSir Gilbert's letter did come to me from Newmarket, so that he must have met his lordship there; and so it came about.—I have his letter about me; I'll read it to you.-Taking out a large bundle. That's from Paoli of Corsica, that from the Marquis of Squilachi-Have you a mind to see a letter from Count Poniatowski, now king of Poland?-Honest Pon-[Searching.]—O, sir, what are you here too?-I'll tell you what, honest friend, if you have not absolutely delivered my letter to Sir William Honeywood, you may return it. The thing will do without him. Sir Wil. Sir, I have delivered it, and must inform you, it was received with the most mortifying contempt. Cro. Contempt! Mr Lofty, what can that mean? Lof. Let him go on, let him go on, I say. You'll find it come to something presently. Sir Wil. Yes, sir, I believe you'll be amazed, if, after waiting some time in the anti-chamber, after being surveyed with insolent curiosity by the passing servants, I was at last assured, that Sir William Honeywood knew no such person, and I must certainly have been imposed upon. Lof. Good; let me die, very good. Ha, ha, ha! Cro. Now, for my life, I cann't find out half the goodness of it. Lof. You cann't? Ha, ha! Cro. No, for the soul of me; I think it was as confounded a bad answer, as ever was sent from one private gentleman to another. Lof. And so you cann't find out the force of the message? Why, I was in the house at that very time. Ha, ha! It was I that sent that very answer to my own letter. Ha, ha! Cro. Indeed! How! Why! Lof. In one word, things between Sir William and me must be behind the curtain. A party has many eyes. He sides with Lord Buzzard, I side with Sir Gilbert Goose. So that unriddles the mystery. Cro. And so it does indeed, and all my suspicions are over. been suspecting, you have been suspecting, have Lof. Your suspicions !-What then you have you? Mr Croaker, you and I were friends, we are friends no longer. Never talk to me. It's over; I say, it's over. Cro. As I hope for your favour, I did not mean to offend. It escaped me. Don't be discomposed. Lof. Zounds, sir, but I am discomposed, and will be discomposed! To be treated thus !-Who am I?-Was it for this I have been dreaded both by ins and outs?-Have I been libelled in the Gazetteer, and praised in the St James's? have I been chaired at Wildman's, and a speaker at Merchant Tailors' Hall? have I had my hand to addresses, and my head in the print shops, and talk to me of suspects ? What can you Cro. My dear sir, be pacified. have but asking pardon? Lof. Sir, I will not be pacified-Suspects! Who am I? To be used thus, have I paid court to men in favour to serve my friends, the lords of the treasury, Sir William Honeywood, and the rest of the gang, and talk to me of suspects!-Who am I, I say, who am I? Sir Wil. Since, sir, you're so pressing for an answer, I'll tell you who you are. A gentleman as well acquainted with politics, as with men in power; as well acquainted with persons of fashion, as with modesty; with lords of the treasury, as with truth; and with all, as you are with Sir William Honeywood. I am Sir William Honeywood. [Discovering his ensigns of the Bath. Gro. Sir William Honeywood! [Aside. Hon. Astonishment! my uncle! Lof. So then my confounded genius has been all this time only leading me up to the garret, in order to fling me out of the window. Cro. What, Mr Importance, and are these your works? Suspect you! You, who have been dreaded by the ins and outs: you, who have had your hand to addresses, and your head stuck up in print-shops. If you were served right, you should have your head stuck up in the pillory. Lof. Ay, stick it where you will, for, by the Lord, it cuts but a very poor figure where it sticks at present. Sir Wil. Well, Mr Croaker, I hope you now see how incapable this gentleman is of serving you, and how little Miss Richland has to expect from his influence. Cro. Ay, sir, too well I see it, and I cann't but say I have had some boding of it these ten days. So I'm resolved, since my son has placed his af |