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blood, the present enquiry was made by the honourable commander-in-chief; and Captain Goschutz of the Company of Stallater, the Haderagi Bariacrar, and the senior Heyduke of the village, were severally examined; who unanimously declared that about five years ago, a certain Heyduke named Arnold Paul, was killed by the overturning of a cart-load of hay, who in his life-time was often heard to say that he had been tormented near Caschaw, and upon the borders of Turkish Servia, by a Vampyre; and that to extricate himself he had eaten some of the earth of the Vampyre's graves, and rubbed himself with their blood.

"That twenty or thirty days after the decease of the said Arnold Paul, several persons complained that they were tormented, and that in short he had taken away the lives of four persons. In order therefore to put a stop to such a calamity, the inhabitants of the place, after having consulted their Haderagi, caused the body of the said Arnold Paul to be taken up, forty days after he had been dead, and found the same to be fresh and free from all manner of corruption; that he bled at the nose, mouth and ears, as pure and florid blood as ever was seen; and that his shroudand winding sheet were all over bloody; and lastly, his finger and toe nails were fallen off and new ones grown in their room.

"As they observed from all these circumstances that he was a Vampyre, they according to custom drove a stake through his heart, at which he gave a horrid groan, and lost a great deal of blood. Afterwards, they burnt his body to ashes the same day, and threw them into his grave.

"These good men say further, that all such as have been tormented or killed by the vampyres, become vampyres when they are dead; and therefore they served several other dead bodies as they had done Arnold Paul's far tormenting the living. Signed, Batruer, First Lieutenant of the Regiment of Alexander.


Hickhenger, Surgeon Major to the Regiment of Furstemburch.
Three other Surgeons,

Gorschitz, Captain of Stallater.


To the Mocking Bird.*

WING'D mimic of the woods! thou motly fool,
Who shall thy gay buffoonery describe?
Thine ever-ready notes of ridicule

Pursue thy fellows still with jest and gibe;
Wit-sophist-songster-YORICK of thy tribe;
Thou sportive satyrist of Nature's school,
To thee the palm of scoffing we ascribe,
Arch mocker, and mad Abbot of misrule!

For such thou art by day:-but all night long

Thou pour'st a soft, sweet, pensive solemn strain,

As if thou didst in this thy moonlight song,

Like to the melancholy Jacques, complain,
Musing on falsehood, violence and wrong,
And sighing for thy motley coat again,

* We conjecture that this comes from a transatlantic friend, and should be glad to have more of his correspondence.



GOING the other night to the theatre very late, and finding it crowded, I was obliged to mount up to the pigeon-holes for want of a seat. The reader knows this situation. Standing-room is nothing to it. In standing-room you have the scene before you; you are in the secret of all that is going forward; there is no necessity to hazard your neck in order to catch a good thing; and besides, (if you are a man) you may chance to get the ninth part of a seat. But in the pigeon-holes! There is a bench, it is true, if you wish to sit down, and count the opposite sufferers-though not always that. Furthermore, you may go out, and look vainly in at every other door; or you may stay, and see love made in a style that might edify a footman. The other night, there was a gay fellow with his hat on one side, and a diamond on his finger, playing the rake towards a poor giggling damsel, with all the patronizing airs of a lord. I gave a look at him, when I had the face, and recognized (by all that's brilliant!) my glazier! But if you wish to hear or to see,-first, there are the horrible previous comers, who have anticipated your seat;-then you lean over, to the detriment of some gentleman's or lady's head, making apologies for permission to risque your life-thirdly, you hear nothing but the noisy part of a song, or the undistinguishable joke that sets every body else laughing;-and fourthly, you have the satisfaction of discerning the top of some actor's head, or making acquaintance with the lion and unicorn, or reflecting on the exalted adversity that has set you on a level with the gods.

The gods and Jenkins did in this divide ;

They chose the seeing, he the paying side.

Did nobody in the pigeon-holes ever long to crack a few skulls in the pit, especially when they were laughing? I used to wonder how any one could throw a bottle from the galleries; but it must have been on some such provocation. I could scarcely go as far as that; but an orange or a hard apple, particularly on a bald head (which always appears eminently snug in company) I could with difficulty resist. One ought to be paid somehow for being put to such a disa ivantage. The very height has something distressing; the more so, as the front is provided with a safety-rail, to remind us of it.

Half-way down

Hangs one has dropp'd a play-bill,

Methinks he seems no wiser than his head.
The player-men, that walk upon the stage,
Appear fore-shortened: and yon ranting voice
Diminish'd to a bark; the bark a cough,

Almost too small to hear. The murmuring joke,
That makes the unnumber'd idle pitmen laugh,

Cannot be heard so high. I'll try no more.

The worst of all is, when you catch the burthen of some jovial song, or seem to catch it; for the sound is ambiguous. At the farce the other night, there was a noisy little fellow, who had the stage to himself, singing with great pomp and satisfaction some gallant common-place, the burthen of which sounded in my ear like the words "Little old

boy." Doubtless it was no such thing; but the effect was as good as if it had been. There he stood, master of that large field of boards, with every other corner of the house crowded to suffocation, running his quips and flourishes in the most received style upon the cadence, and so coming to his eternal conclusion-ti-diddle-iddle-iddle-LittleOld-Boy. On ti-diddle he was affectionate, yet easy; but at little he always resumed his pomp and loudness, and finished with dignity and decision on the words old and boy. I think I hear him now, his aw's and his oi's, and an occasional thrust out of an arm. I say, hear an arm, because you have only to hear the sound, to be certain of the gesture.

I longed to have my revenge of this fellow; and was glad afterwards I was not a critic, or it might have gone hard with him. The insolent excess of his elbow-room, his perfect content with both song and house, the satisfaction of the audience, and my own close, unhearing, unseeing condition, with the gods in their divine perceptions, giving shouts of acknowledgment, and my friend the glazier cocking his hat and eye in an amorous abstraction, presented a conspiracy of contentment not to be endured. I devoted the Little Old Boy to the Old Gentleman, and closing the door after me to shut the house upon itself, came away, not the better pleased for the box-keeper, who asked me with an equivocal air, if he should take my coat.

As I walked home, I reflected upon the advantage which the rest of the audience had over me, not excepting my fellows of the dove-cote, in being content with what they could get, and patronizing my friend the Little Old Boy, though perhaps three-fourths of them did not hear the words of the song a bit better than myself. I am jealous of an advantage of this sort, piquing myself much on those helps to satisfaction, which are created by imagination and good fellowship and to make amends for my want of philosophy, I resolved upon pushing my reflections further, and getting what good I could out of them, both for myself and the public.

Considering therefore the good nature of audiences, and the trouble they are disposed to save their entertainers individually, provided they can be entertained somehow, I began to cast in my mind under what other circumstances people might be spared a superfluity of endeavour; how often sound might be taken for sense, and a hint or reference for unnecessary detail. The first thing I thought of was a speech in Parliament but as I studiously avoid politics in my penmanship, I shall say nothing on that head. For the same reason I suppress a speech from the throne, and even a long oration on the hustings, though comprised (in my vision) in half a dozen words. I shall only notice a curious circumstance connected with those orations; which is, that the very longest are generally made by little men; doubtless with a design to extend themselves that way, and make up in height of argument what they want in stature.

Dinner-speeches are extremely to our purpose. There might be patterns for them, as easily as for the plates. Take the following one, for returning thanks. Instead of humming and hawing, and drawing out an unnecessary chain of sentences, what should hinder a person of any gratitude from showing a proper sense of his audience's

time and attention, by delivering himself with a pregnant brevity; as


"Gentlemen-Feel it impossible-Proudest day of my life-Honourable gentleman who-Those feelings which-Extremely obligedHappiness-All your healths in return.

If the company meet on purpose to make speeches, or to compliment one another (pretty nearly the same thing) something longer must be allowed, for the sake of all parties. The little Old Boy must here be a little more distinct. The following patterns would do.

Chairman's Speech. Totally inadequate-Some other more worthy -Your pleasure--My modesty-Will for deed-Inspiring occasionIllustrious friend--Head and heart-Thoughts which-Considerations which-Those feelings which-All, I'm sure-When I name the name of Jenkins (shouts of applause-Hasten to conclude-Happiness to propose-Health, gentlemen, of our worthy, illustrious, eloquent, independent, loyal, interesting, agreeable, modest, and consummate friend, Sir Thomas Jenkins.-(Cheers-three times three.)

Speech of Sir Thomas Jenkins. Quite everwhelmed-Most unaffectedly say-Proudest day of my life-Latest day of my life-Heir-loom -Honourable and admirable friend who-Flattering things whichThose things which-Those other things which-Defy any man to say -Can safely say-When I look round me-Rank and talent-Illustrious friend on my right-Incomparable friend on my left-Worthy chairman-However unworthy myself (cheers). All of you perfect (deafening applause). Cannot conclude better-Propose the health of our worthy, excellent, pure, upright, downright, indefatigable, simpleminded, inimitable friend, Sir George Tomkins. (Vociferous applause —three times three.)

Speech of Sir George Tomkins. Cannot express-Feel it hereDoubly welcome-Grace this meeting-After eloquent speech-Humble endeavours-Proud sensations-Those persons who-Questions which-Insinuations which-Times like ours-Understandings like yours-Common, if I may use the expression-Immortal bard-Challenge any person-Gallant officer-Words of my illustrious friend— Cannot conclude better-Propose the health of our truly noble, fine hearted, fine-headed, graceful, useful, ornamental, high-minded, example-giving, facetious, and superior friend, Earl Hipkins. (Cheerslong applause-three times three.)

Speech of Earl Hipkins. Totally want words-Highly bonoureddeeply affected-Bosom-Carry it home with me-Children-Posterity -Celebration-Displays of talent-Worthy chairman-Illustrious friends-Gallant officers-Brilliant assembly-British nation (cheers) -Fair sex continued cheers)—Under the rose (a laugh)—Moral order -Arguments which-Events which-Things which no man that-That which, I'm sure, no gentleman that-Effects of this day—Will not take up your time-One word more-Presume to differ-Delight to agree -Sorry to be informed-Happy to hear-Long pull and strong pullImmortal bard-Distinguished living writer-Homely but acute proverb-Valuable time-Found at my post-Words unnecessary-English hearts-Bumper at parting-Health of our worthy, solid, polite, thinking, drinking, impartial, indefatigable, paternal, private, public, plainhearted, and prodigious chairman. (Riotous applause-three times three.

Chairman returns thanks-New chairman-Songs-Festivity-Late hours.)

Now here is a saving to the newspapers, of at least three columns. In other periodical works, in pamphlets, and particularly in books, the inestimable advantage of this mode of compression "must strike every impartial mind." I have heard of a learned person, who, having set himself the task of reading Shakspeare, used to come down to breakfast, rubbing his hands, and exclaiming, Well-tossed off another play, and shaved besides." This I confess to be a rapidity of perusal beyond me; nor do I well see how Shakspeare is to be despatched according to the mode in question. Much might be done with Churchill, and a great deal with Young. But it will do admirably for books in ordinary. Short hand would be nothing to it. The longest hand would here become shortest. A reader of any powers might despatch fifty novels in an hour; and as many pamphlets and controversies in the same space of time. Theological controversy would consist chiefly of reference to Scripture; looking like books of arithmetic, interspersed with the names of Matthew, Mark, and Daniel. Conceive the pleasure of thus having all the real arguments, and saving infinite heat and vexation (not always of the most edifying sort) to the worthy disputants. The tears almost come into my eyes for joy, when I think how short and sweet a variety of other questions might become,-that of paper-money for instance; what a heap of pamphlets we should have consisting of one paragraph; and how many more would shrink up into easy and piquant repetitions of the words Yes and No. Oh innocent, battle-door and shuttle-cock times of controversy, why come ye not? The title page would often be the longest part of the book. Think of that. We might read by advertisement; and grow learned with a table of contents. Stationers might then almost absorb the bookselling business; and sell writing books, and books written, bound up together,—a good thick copy-book of a hundred pages, prefaced by an elaborate printed dissertation consisting of a couple. Take the following specimen of the dissertation:-nay, the reader shall have three or four volumes of controversy at once. After the proper advertisements of "Mr. Gibsons's new work."—"Gibson on the State of Affairs," &c. the work appears. -The following is the whole of it:

"An Enquiry into the Present State of the Affairs of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, with remarks on our Foreign Policy and the Holy Alliance; preceded by Observations on Bullion and the Corn Laws, together with Hints for the Gradual Amelioration of the Condition of the Working Classes; the whole interspersed with Considerations on the Question now pending between Spain and her Colonies, and Brief Reflections on the Utility of the Tread-Mill. In a Letter to a Noble Lord. By a late Member of the University." Nullius addictus jurare in verba magistri.




"My Lord,


Enquiry into the Present State, &c.

"It is a very frequent observation. In short, my Lord, I

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