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birth and fortune are well known to yo, and but since you think it your duty, as a son, to I dare swear, he may defy the world to lay be concerned for my errors, I think it as much a blemish on his character. mine, as a father, to be concerned for yours. If you think fit to amend them, so; if not, take the consequence.

Sir J. Why then, sir, since I am to be catechised, I must tell you I do not like his character; he is a world-server, a libertine, and has no more religion than you have.

Col. L. Well, sir, may I ask you, without offence, if the reasons you have given me are Col. L. Sir, we neither of us think it pro- your only reasons for discountenancing Mr. per to make a boast of our religion; but, if Darnley's addresses to my sister? you please to inquire, you will find that we Sir J. Are they not flagrant? would you go to church as orderly as the rest of our have me marry my daughter to a Pagan?1) neighbours.

Sir J. Oh, you go to church! you go to church!-Wonderful! wonderful! to bow, and grin, and cough, and sleep: a fine act of devotion indeed.

Col. L. Well but, dear sir

Sir J. Colonel, you are an Atheist. Col. L. Pardon me, sir, I am none: it is a character I abhor; and next to that, I abhor the character of an enthusiast. 1)

Col. L. He intends this morning paying his respects to you, in hopes to obtain your final consent; and desired me to be present as a mediator of articles between you. Sir J. I am glad to hear it.

Col. L. That's kind indeed, sir.

Sir J. May be not, sir; for I will not be at home when he comes: and because I will not tell a lie for the matter, I'll go out this moment. Col. L. Nay, dear sir

Sir J. And, do you hear-because I will

Sir J. Oh, you do so; an enthusiast!—this is the fashionable phrase, the bye-word, the not deceive him either, tell him I would not nick-name, that our pleasure-loving generation have him lose his time in fooling after your give to those few who have a sense of true sister-In short, I have another man in my sanctity. head for her.

Col. L. Say, canting, sir.

Sir J. I tell you what, son, as I have told you more than once, you will draw some heavy judgment on your head one day or other.

Col. L. So says the charitable doctor Cantwell; you have taken him into your house, and in return he gives over half your family to the devil.

Sir J. Do not abuse the doctor, colonel; it is not the way to my favour. I know you cannot bear him, because he is not one of your mincing preachers. He holds up the glass to your enormities, shows you to yourselves in your genuine colours.

Col. L. I always respect piety and virtue, sir; but there are pretenders to religion, as well as to courage; and as we never find the truly brave to be such as make much noise about their valour; só, I apprehend, the truly good seldom or never deal much in grimace. Sir J. Very well, sir; this is very well. Col. L. Besides, sir, I would be glad to know, by what authority the doctor pretends to exercise the clerical function. 2) It does not appear clearly to me that he ever was in orders. Sir J. That is no business of yours, sir. But, I am better informed. However, he has the call of zeal.

Col. L. Zeal!

[Exit. Col. L. Another man! It would be worth one's while to know him: pray heaven this canting hypocrite has not got some beggarly rascal in his eye for her. I must rid the house of him at any rate, or all the settlement I can hope for from my father is a castle in the air.

My sister may be ruined too-here she comes. If there be another man in the case, she, no doubt, can let me into the secret.


Sister, good morrow; I want to speak with you.

Char. Pr'ythee then, dear brother, don't put on that wise, politic face, as if your regiment was going to be disbanded, or sent to the West Indies, and you obliged to follow it.

Col. L. Come, come, a truce with your raillery: what I have to ask of you is serious, and I beg you would be so in your answer.

Char. Well, then, provided it is not upon the subject of love, I will be so-but make haste too-for I have not had my tea yet. Col. L. Why it is, and it is not, upon



Char. Oh, I love a riddle dearly-Comelet's hear it.

Col. L. Nay, pshaw! if you will be serious,

say so.

Char. O lard, sir! I beg your pardon-there Sir J. Why, colonel, you are in a passion. there's my whole form and features, totally Col. L. I own I cannot see with temper, disengaged and lifeless, at your service; now, sir, so many religious mountebanks impose on put them in what posture of attention you the unwary multitude; wretches, who make a think fit. trade of religion, and show an uncommon concern for the next world, only to raise their fortunes with greater security in this.

Sir J. Colonel, let me hear no more; I see you are too hardened to be converted now

:) A religious sect, possessing much less of the charity
of christians than any other of the numerous list of
them with which the world is over-run; their prayers
and sermons, contrary to the church of England, are
all extempore.
Mawworm shows them in their most
zealous, Cantwell in their most unfavourable light.
2) The greater part of the preachers as well as auditors
of this sect are tailors, cobblers, and others, who have
had a call as they call it.

[Leans on him awkwardly. Col. L. Was there ever such a giddy devil! -Pr'ythee, stand up. I have been talking with my father, and he declares positively you not receive any further addresses from Mr. Farnley.

Char. Are you serious?


1) The intoleration of the Methodists, is carried to such a degree, that, even in their sermons, they most charitably condemn every person of any other persuasion than theirs, to the most horrible of all the burning fires of Tartarus; and, as they affect a very sanctified way of living themselves, all persons visiting that devil's hot-house the theatre, playing at cards, reading novels, etc., must meet with some still more terrible punishment, if possible.

Col. L. He said so this minute, and witn some warmth.

Char. O lud!1) O lud! pr'ythee, brother, don't be so wise; if you had an empty house Char. I am glad on't, with all my heart. to let, would you be displeased to hear there Col. L. How! glad! were two people about it? besides, to be a Char. To a degree. Do you think a man little serious, Darnley has a tincture of jealousy has any more charms for me for my father's in his temper, which nothing but a substantial liking him? no, sir, if Mr. Darnley can make rival can cure.

his way to me now, he is obliged to me, and Col. L. Oh, your servant, madam! now you to me only. Besides, now it may have the talk reason. I am glad you are concerned face of an amour indeed, now one has some-enough for Darnley's faults, to think them worth thing to struggle for; there's difficulty, there's your mending; ha! ha!

danger, there's the dear spirit of contradiction Char. Concerned! why, did I say that?— in it too-Oh! I like it mightily. look you, I'll deny it all to him—well, if ever

Col. L. I am glad this does not make you I'm serious with him again— think the worse of Darnley-but my father's

Col. L. Here he comes; be as merry with

consent might have clapped a pair of horses him as you please.
more to your coach perhaps, and the want of
it may pinch your fortune.

Char. Burn fortune; am not I a fine woman? and have not I twenty thousand pounds in my own hands?


Darn. My dear colonel, your servant. Col. L. I am glad you did not come sooner; for in the humour my father left me, 'twould. Col. L. Yes, sister; but with all your charms, not have been a proper time for you to have you have had them in your hands almost these pressed your affair-1 touched upon't-butfour years. I'll tell you more presently; in the mean time Char. Pshaw! and have not I had the full lose no ground with my sister. swing of my own airs and humours these four Darn. I shall always think myself obliged years? but if I humour my father, I warrant to your friendship, let my success be what it he'll make it three or four thousand more, will-Madam-your most obedient—what have with some unlicked lout-a comfortable equi- you got there, pray? valent, truly! No, no; let him light his pipe with his consent, if he please. Wilful against wise for a wager.

Col. L. But pray, sister, has my father ever proposed any other man to you?

Char. Another man! let me know why you ask, and I'll tell you.

Col. L. Why, the last words he said to me were, that he had another man in his head for you. Char. And who is it? who is it? tell me, dear brother.

Col. L. Why, you don't so much as seem surprised.

Char. No; but I'm impatient, and that's as well.
Col. L. Why how now, sister?

Char. Why sure, brother, you know very little of female happiness, if you suppose the surprise of a new lover ought to shock a woman of my temper-don't you know that I am a coquette?

Col. L. If you are, you are the first that ever was sincere enough to own her being so. Char. To a lover, I grant you; but not to you; I make no more of you than a sister: I can say any thing to you.

Char. [Reading] 2) "Her lively looks a sprightly mind disclose; Quick as her eyes, and as unfix'd as those-" Darn. Pray, madam, what is't? Char. "Favours to none, to all she smiles extends-"

Darn. Nay, I will see.

Char. "Oft she rejects, but never once offends." Col. L. Have a care: she has dipped into her own character, and she'll never forgive you, if you don't let her go through with it. Darn. I beg your pardon, madam. Char. "Bright as the sun her eyes the gazers strike, [Um-ur And like the sun they shine on all alike." Darn. That is something like indeed. Col. L. You would say so, if you knew all. Darn. All what? pray what do you mean? Col. L. Have a little patience: I'll tell you immediately.


Char. "If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face--and you'll forget them all." Is not that natural, Mr. Darnley?

Darn. For a woman to expect, it is indeed. Char. And can you blame her, when 'tis at Col. L. I should have been better pleased, the same time a proof of the poor man's pasif you had not owned it to me-it's a hateful sion and her power? character.

Darn. So that you think the greatest conChar. Ay, it's no matter for that, it's vio-pliment lover can make his mistress, is to lently pleasant, and there's no law against it, give up his reason to her. that I know of.

Col. L. Darnley's like to have a hopeful time with


Char. Well, but don't you really know who it is my father intends me?

Col. L. Not I, really; but I imagined you might, and therefore thought to advise with you about it.

Char. Nay, he has not opened his lips to me yet-are you sure he is gone out? Col. L. You are very impatient to know, methinks; what have you to do to concern yourself about any man but Darnley?

Char. Certainly; for what have your lordly sex to boast of but your understanding, and till that's entirely surrendered to her discre1) This word lud is a corruption of Lord! we find such in all languages, where people think to cheat the devil by substituting a word something similar to the oath in its original form, and believe, if they do not swear in the exact word, that the sin is entirely atoned for. There are many other examples of this sort in English, where the most abominable oaths are softened down into a pretty little word, which seems to fit many a pretty little mouth, if we may judge from the frequency of their application by the female sex, though it must be confessed that they are totally ignorant of their meaning. ) Pope's Rare of the Lock, Canto II. v. 8.

tion, while the least sentiment holds out against his reproaches have that greatness of soulher, a woman must be downright vain to think the confusion they give is insupportable.— her conquest completed!

Darn. There we differ, madam; for, in my opinion, nothing but the most excessive vanity could value or desire such a conquest.

Char. Oh, d'ye hear him, brother? the creature reasons with me; nay, has the effrontery to think me in the wrong too! O lud! he'd make a horrid tyrant-positively I won't have him. Darn. Well, my comfort is, no other man will easily know whether you'll have him or not. Char. Am I not a vain, silly creature, Mr. Darnley?

Darn. A little bordering upon the baby, I

must own.

Darn. Yes, faith, I'do; and so shamefully, that I'm in hopes you doubt it.

Enter BETTY.

Betty, is the tea ready?

Bet. Yes, madam.

Char. Mr. Darnley, your servant. [Exit Charl. and Betty. Col. L. So; you have made a fine piece of work on't, indeed!

Darn. Dear Tom, pardon me if I speak a little freely; I own the levity of her behaviour, at this time, gives me harder thoughts than I once believed it possible to have of her. Col. L. Indeed, my friend, you mistake her. Darn. Nay, nay; had she any real concern

Char. Laud!) how can you love a body for me, the apprehensions of a man's addresso then? but I don't think you love me though ses, whom yet she never saw, must have ---do you? alarmed her to some degree of seriousness. Col. L. Not at all; for let this man be whom he will, I take her levity as a proof of her Char. Poor man! he'd fain bring me to reason. resolution to have nothing to say to him. Darn. I would indeed.-Nay, were it but Darn. And pray, sir, may I not as well possible to make you serious only when you suspect, that this artful delay of her good na should be So, I should think you the most ture to me now, is meant as a provisional amiabledefence against my reproaches, in case, when she has seen this man, she should think it convenient to prefer him.

Char. O lud! he's civilDarn. Come, come, you have good sense; use me but with that, and make me what you please.

Char. Laud! I don't desire to make any thing of you, not I.

Darn. Come then, be generous, and swear at least you'll never marry another.

Char. Ah, laud! now you have spoiled all again-besides, how can I be sure of that, before I have seen this other man my brother spoke to me of?

Darn. What riddle's this?

Col. L. I told you, you did not know all. To be serious, my father went out but now, on purpose to avoid you.-In short, he absolutely retracts his promises; says, he would not have you fool away your time after my sister; and in plain terms told me, he had another man in his head for her.

Darn. Another man! who? what is he? did not he name him?

Col. L. No; nor has he yet spoke of him to my sister.

Darn. This is unaccountable! what can have given him this sudden turn?

Col. L. Some whim our conscientious doctor has put in his head, I'll lay my life.

Darn. He! he can't be such a villain; he professes a friendship for me.

Col. L. So much the worse,

Darn. But on what pretence, what grounds, what reason, what interest, can he have to oppose me?

Col. L. Are you really now as unconcerned as you seem to be?

Col. L. No, no; she's giddy, but not capable of so studied a falsehood.

Darn. But still, what could she mean by going away so abruptly?

Col. L. You grew too grave for her.
Darn. Why, who could bear such trifling
Col. L. You should have laughed at her.
Darn. I can't love at that easy rate.

Col. L. No-if you could, the uneasines would lie on her side.

Darn. Do you then really think she ha any thing in her heart for me?


Col. L. Ay, marry, 1) sir-ah! if coul but get her to own that seriously now; Lord how you could love her!

Darn. And so I could, by heaven!

Col. L. Well, well, I'll undertake for her if my father don't stand in the way, we a well enough.

Darn. What says my lady? you don't thin she's against us?

Col. L. I dare say she is not. She's of s soft, so sweet a disposition

Darn. Pr'ythee, how came so fine a woma to marry your father, with such a vast inë quality of years?

Col. L. Want of fortune, Frank: she wa poor and beautiful-he, rich and amorousshe made him happy, and he herDarn. A lady


with cat

Col. L. And a jointure-now she's the only one in the family that has precise doctor; and, I dare engage, she'll use it with him to persuade my father from any Char. You are a strange dunce, brother-thing that is against your interest. By the you know no more of love than I do of a way, you must know I have some shrewd regiment-You shall see now how I'll comfort suspicion that this sanctified rogue is in love him-Poor Darnley, ha, ha, ha!

Darn. I don't wonder at your good humour, madam, when you have so substantial an opportunity to make me uneasy for life. Char. Olud! how sentimentious he is! well,

1) Lord.

with her.

Darn. In love!

Col. L. You shall judge by the symptoms but hush!-here he comes with my grandmother-step this way, and I'll tell you.

1) By the Virgin Mary.


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Enter DOCTOR CANTWELL, OLD LADY LAM- will stay and join in the private duties of the BERT, and SEYWARD.


Old Lady L. No, doctor, no; it is too Dr. C. Charles, step up into my study; bring down a dozen more of those manuals early; the sun has not risen upon them; but, of devotion, with the last hymns I composed; I doubt not, the day will come. and, when he calls, give them to M. Mawworm; and, do you hear, if any one inquires for me, say I am gone to Newgate1), and the Marshalsea 2), to distribute alms.

Dr. C. I warrant, they would go to a play now!

Old Lady L. Would they-I am afraid. they would.

[Exit Seyward. Old Lady L. Well but, worthy doctor, why will you go the prisons yourself-cannot you send the money? ugly distempers are often catched there-have a care of your bealth; let us keep one good man, at least, amongst us, Dr. C. Alas, madam, I am not a good would commit murder? man; I am a guilty, wicked sinner, full of iniquity; the greatest villain that ever breathed;

Darn. Why, I hope it is no sin, madam; if I am not mistaken, I have seen your ladyship at a play.

Old Lady L. Me, sir! see me at a play! you may have seen the prince of darkness, or some of his imps, in my likeness, perhaps Darn. Well but, madam

Old Lady L. Mr. Darnley, do you think I

Dr. C. No, sir, no; these are not the

the hot-bed

every instant of my life is clouded with stains, plants usually to be met with in that rank it is one continued series of crimes and defile-soil; the seeds of wickedness indeed sprout ments; you do not know what I am capa-up every where too fast; but a playhouse is ble of; you indeed take me for a good man; Col. L. And yet, doctor, I have known but the truth is, I am a worthless creature. some of the leaders of your tribe, as scrupuOld Lady L. Have you then stumbled? alas! if it be so, who shall walk upright? lous as they are, who have been willing to what horrid crime have you been hurried in- gather fruit there for the use of the brethern

-as in case of a benefit

Dr. C. The charity covereth the sin and it be lawful to turn the wages of abo may mination to the comfort of the righteous.

Col. L. Ha, ha, ha!

Dr. C. Reprobate! reprobate!

to, that calls for this severe self-accrimination?
Dr. C. None, madam, that perhaps huma-
nity may call very enormous; yet am I sure,
that my thoughts never stray a moment from
celestial contemplations? do they not some-
times, before I am aware, turn to things of
this earth? am I not often hasty, and sur-
prised into wrath? nay, the instance is recent;
for last night, being snarled at and bit by
Minxy, your daughter-in-law's lap-dog, I am
conscious I struck the little beast with a de-know my treatment.
gree of passion, for which I have never been
able to forgive myself since.

Old Lady L. Oh! worthy, humble soul! this is a slight offence, which your suffering and mortifications may well atone for.

Dr. C. No, madam, no; I want to suffer;

Col. L. What is that you mutter, sirrah?
Old. Lady L. Oh heavens!
Darn. Let him go, colonel.
Col. L. A canting hypocrite!
Dr. C. Very well, sir; your father shall

Old. Lady L. Let me run out of the house;
I shall have it fall upon my head, if I stay
among such wicked wretches. O grandson!

Darn. Was there ever such an insolent rascal! Col. L. The dog will one day provoke me I ought to be mortified; and I am obliged to beat his brains out.


now to tell you, that, for my soul's sake, Darn. But what the devil is he? whence must quit your good son's family; I am pam- comes he?-what is his original?-how has pered too much here, live too much at my ease. he so ingratiated himself with your father, as Old. Lady L. Good doctor! to get footing in the house?

Dr. C. Alas, madam! it is not you that should shed tears; it is I ought to weep; you are a pure woman.

Čol. L. Oh, sir, he is here in quality of chaplain; he was first introduced by the good old lady that's just gone out. You know, she Old Lady L. I pure! who, I? no, no; has been a long time a frequenter of our mosinful, sinful—but do not talk of quitting our dern conventicles, where is seems she got acfamily; what will become of us-for friendship quainted with this sanctified pastor. His dis-for charity

Dr. C. Enough; say no more, madam; submit; while I can do good, it is my duty.

ciples believe him a saint; and my poor faIther, who has been for some time tainted with their pernicious principles, has been led

Col. L. Your ladyship's most humble servant.
Old Lady L. Grandson, how do you?
Darn. Good day to you, doctor!
Dr. C. Mr. Darnley, I am your most humble
servant; I hope you and the good colonel
1) London being formerly encompassed by a wall, had
gates resembling the one at Temple-Bar; besides their
use as a Postern, they were employed as places ol
confinement; hence the prisons of Newgate, Ludgate, etc.
3) The Marshalsea is a jail of great antiquity, situated

near St. George's church in the Borough of South-

into the same snare.

Darn. Hah! here's your sister again.

Char. You'll find, sir, I will not be used thus; nor shall your credit with my father protect your insolence to me.

Col. L. What's the matter?

Char. Nothing; pray be quiet.-I don't want you--stand out of the way-how durst you bolt with such authority into my chamber, without giving me notice? Darn. Confusion!



ing sternly at Darnley, takes Charlotte under his arm, and carries her off. [Exeunt.

Col. L. Hold-if my father won't resent this, s then time enough for me to do it. Dr. C. Compose yourself, madam; I came your father's desire, who, being informed at you were entertaining Mr. Darnley, grew SCENE I. Antichamber at SIR J. LAMBErt's. patient, and gave his positive commands

nswer you.






at you attend him instantly, or he himself, Enter SEYWARD, with a writing in his hand. Sey. 'Tis so-I have long suspected where e says, will fetch you. his zeal would end, in the making of his priDarn. Ay, now the storm is rising. Dr. C. So, for what I have done, madam, vate fortune. But then, to found it on had his authority, and shall leave him to ruin of his patron's children!-I shudder the villany! What desperation may a Char. Tis false. He gave you no autho- be driven to, so barbarously disinherited!ity to insult me; or, if he had, did you sup- Besides, his daughter, fair Charlotte, too, pose I would bear it from you? What is it wronged; wronged in the tenderest point: for you presume upon? your function? does that so extravagant is this settlement, that it leaves exempt you from the manners of a gentleman? her not a shilling, unless she marries with Dr. C. Shall I have an answer to your fa- the doctor's consent: which is intended, by what I have heard, as an expedient to oblige ther, lady? her to marry the doctor himself. Now, 'twere [Exit. but an honest part to let Charlotte know the snare that's laid for her. This deed's not signed,

Char. I'll send him none by, you.
Dr. C. I shall inform him so.

Char. A saucy puppy!

Col. L. Pray, sister, what has the fellow and may be yet prevented. It shall be so.

done to you?

Char. Nothing.

Darn. I beg you would tell

us, madam.



Sir. J. Oh! Seyward, your uncle wants

Char. Nay, no great matter-but I was sitting carelessly in my dressing-room-a-a you to transcribe some hymns. fastening my garter, and this impudent cur comes bounce in upon me

Darn. The rogue must be corrected. Col. L. Yet, 'egad, I cannot help laughing at the accident; what a ridiculous figure she must make-ha! ha!

Char. Hah! you're as impudent as he, I think. Darn. Now, dear Tom, speak to her before she goes.

Char. What does he say, brother? Col. L. Why, he wants to have me speak to you; and I would have him do it himself. Char. Ay, come, do, Darnley; I am in a good humour now.

[Exit. Sey. Sir, I'll wait on him. Char. A pretty, well-bred fellow, that. Sir J. Ay, ay; but he has better qualities than his good breeding.

Char. He's always clean too.

Sir J. I wonder, daughter, when you will take notice of a man's real merit. Humphwell bred and clean, forsooth. Would not one think now she was describing a coxcomb? hear wife talk at this rate? When do you my and yet she is as young as your fantastical ladyship.

Lady L. Charlotte is of a cheerful temper, my dear; but I know you, don't think she wants discretion.

Darn. Oh, Charlotte! my heart is burstingSir J. I shall try that presently; and you, In short, Char. Well, well; out with it then. Darn. Your father now, I see, is bent on my dear, shall judge between us. parting us-nay, what's worse perhaps, will daughter, your course of life is but one congive you to another-I cannot speak-ima- tinued round of playing the fool to no purpose; and therefore I am resolved to make gine what I want from you.you think seriously, and marry.

Char. Well-O lud! one looks so silly though when one is so serious-O dear,-in short, I cannot get it out.

Col. L. I warrant you; try again.
Char. O lud-well-if one must be teased,
then-why, he must hope, I think.
Darn. Is't possible !—thus—

Col. L. Buz-not a syllable; she has done very well. I bar all heroics; if you press it too far, I'll hold1) six to four she's off again

in a moment.

Darn. I'm silenced.

Char. Now am I on tiptoe 2) to know what
dd fellow my father has found out for me.
Darn. I'd give something to know him.
Char. He's in a terrible fuss at your being
here, I find.

Col. L. 'Sdeath!3) here he comes.
Char. Now we are all in a fine pickle.
Enter Sir John Lambert hastily; and, look-

1) Hold, lay, or bet a wager are synonymous.
2) To be in great expectation.

3) God's death; meaning "by the death of Christ!”

Char. That I shall do before I marry, sir, you may depend upon it.

Sir J. Um-That I am not so sure of; but you may depend upon my having thought seriously, and that's as well; for the person intend you is, of all the world, the only man who can make you truly happy.


Char. And, of all the world, sir, that's the only man I'll positively marry.

Lady L. You have great courage, Charlotte; if I had such a game to play, I should be frightened out of my wits.

Char. Lord! madam, he'll make nothing of
it, depend upon it.
Sir J. Mind what I say to you. This won-
derful man, I say-first, in his public cha-
racter, is religious, zealous, and charitable.
Char. Very well, sir.

Sir J. In his private character, sober.
Char. I should hate a sot.
Sir J. Chaste.

Char. A hem!

[Stifling a laugh.

Sir J. What is it you sneer at,


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