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Per. I pray, sir, what office bore you?
Col. F. I was his steward, sir.
Per. I have heard him mention you with much respect your name is—
Free. I am very much concerned that I was when I think of my benefactor. — [Weeps] the occasion and wish I could be an instru-Ah! he was a good man-he has not left many ment of retheving your misfortune; for my of his fellows, the poor lament him sorely. own, I value it not. Adso, a thought comes into my head, that well improv'd, may be of service. Trade. Ah! there's no thought can be of any service to me, without paying the money or running away. Free. How do What do you know? ye think of my proposing miss Lovely to him? He is a single man-and I heard him say he had a mind to marry an English womannay, more than that, he said somebody told him you had a pretty ward-he wished you had betted her, instead of your money.
Trade. Ay, but he'd be hanged before he'd take her instead of the money: the Dutch are too covetous for that; besides, he did not know that there were three more of us, I suppose. Free. So much the better; you may venture to give him your consent, if he'll forgive you the wager: It is not your business to tell him that your consent will signify nothing. Trade. That's right, as you say; but will he do it, think you?
Col. F. Pillage, sir.
Per. Ay, Pillage, I do remember he called you Pillage.-Pray, Mr. Pillage, when did my uncle die.
Col. F. Monday last, at four in the morning. About two he signed his will, and gave it into my hands, and strictly charg'd me to leave Coventry the moment he expired; and deliver it to you with what speed I could: I have obeyed him, sir, and there is the will.
[Gives it to Periwinkle. Per. 'Tis very well, I'll lodge it in the commons. 2)
Col. F. There are two things which he forgot to insert, but charged me to tell you, that he desired you'd perform them as readily as if you had found them written in the will, which is to remove his corpse, and bury him Free. I can't tell that; but I'll try what I by his father at St. Pauls, Covent-garden, and can do with him. He has promised to meet to give all his servants mourning. me here an hour hence; I'll feel his pulse, and Per. That will be a considerable charge; a let you know: If I find it feasible, I'll send pox of all modern fashions. [Aside] Well! it for you; if not, you are at liberty to take what shall be done, Mr. Pillage, I will agree with measures you please. one of death's fashion-monger's, called an unTrade. You must extol her beauty, double dertaker, to go down, and bring up the body. her portion, and tell him I have the entire Col. F. I hope, sir, I shall have the honour disposal of her, and that she can't marry with- to serve you in the same station I did your out my consent and that I am a covetous worthy uncle: I have not many years to stay rogue, and will never part with her without behind him, and would gladly spend them in a valuable consideration.
Free. Ay, ay, let me alone for a lie at a pinch. Trade. 'Egad, if you can bring this to bear, Mr. Freeman, I'll make you whole again. I'll pay the three hundred pounds you lost with all my soul.
Free. Well, I'll use my best endeavours. Where will you be?
the family, where I was brought up.-[Weeps] He was a kind and tender master to me. Per. Pray don't grieve, Mr. Pillage, you shall hold your place, and every thing else which you held under my uncle-You make me weep to see you so concern'd. [Weeps] He lived to a good old age, and we are all mortal.
Col. F. We are so, sir, and therefore I must Trade. At home: pray heaven you prosper! beg you to sign this lease: You'll find, sir To-If I were but the sole trustee now, I should by has taken particular notice of it in his not fear it. Exit. will-I could not get it time enough from the [Exit. lawyer, or he had signed it before he died. [Gives him a Paper.
Frec. Ha, ha, ha!-he has it.
SCENE III. PERIWINKLE'S House. Enter PERIWINKLE on one side, and a Footman on the other. Foot. A gentleman from Coventry inquires for you, sir.
Per. From my uncle, I warrant you: bring him up. — This will save me the trouble, as well as the expense of a journey,
Col. F. Is your name Periwinkle, sir?
Col. F. I am sorry for the message I bring. -My old master, whom I served these forty years, claims the sorrow due from a faithful servant to an indulgent master. [Weeps. Per. By this I understand, sir, my uncle, sir Toby Periwinkle, is dead.
Col. F. He is, sir, and has left you heir to seven hundred a year, in as good abbey-land as ever paid Peter-pence to Rome.—I wish you long to enjoy it 1), but my tears will flow
1) A graceless young dog who had wasted a great deal of
Per. A lease! for what? Col. F. I rented a hundred a year farm of sir Toby upon lease, which lease expires at Lady-day next. I desire to renew for twenty years-that's all, sir.
Per. Let me see [Looks over the Lease] Very well-Let me see what he says in his will about it. [Lays the Lease upon the Table, and looks on the Will] Ho, here it isThe farm lying-now in possession of Sa
his father's property, was called, with two of his brothers, to his father's bedside, just as the old gentleman was at the point of death. The father addressing himself to the eldest, told him he had left him 10,000 pounds; in his will; his answer was; "God bless you, my dear father, and send you health and strength to enjoy it yourself." The second brother, 10,000, and the same answer. Then the father told the youngest, that since de had been such a spendthrift, he would never come to any good; and so he had left him a shilling to hey a halter, for him to be hanged with; to which the son answered like his brothers, "God bless you, my dear father, and send you health and strength to enjoy it yourself."
2) Doctor's Commons, where all business relative ta wills, divorce, etc. is performed.
muel Pillage-suffer him to renew his lease stances, he replied, he would not be the ruin -at the same rent.-Very well, Mr. Pillage, of any man for the world- and immediately I see my uncle does mention it, and I'll per- made this proposal himself. Let him take form his will.-Give me the lease.-[Colonel what time he will for the payment, said he; gives it him, he looks upon it, and lays it or if he'll give me his word, I'll forgive him upon the Table] Pray you step to the door, the debt.
and call for pen and ink, Mr. Pillage.
Trade. Well, Mr. Freeman, I can but thank Col. F. I have a pen and ink in my pocket, you. 'Egad you have made a man of me sir, [Pulls out an Ink-horn] I never go again! and if ever I lay a wager more, may I rot in gaol.
Per. I think it belongs to your profession. -[He looks upon the Pen while the Colonel changes the Lease and lays down the Contract] I doubt this is but a sorry pen, though it may serve to write my name. [Writes. Col. F. Little does he think what he signs.
Free. I assure you, Mr. Tradelove, I was very much concerned, because I was the occasion, though very innocently, I protest. Trade. I dare swear you was, Mr. Freeman.
Enter COLONEL FEIGNWELL, dressed as a
Per. There is your lease, Mr. Pillage. Gives Col. F. Ha, mynheer Tradelove, Ik been sorhim the Paper] Now I must desire you ry voor your troubles-maer Ik sal you easie to make what haste you can down to Coven- maken, Ik will de gelt nie hebbentry, and take care of every thing, and I'll send Trude. I shall for ever acknowledge the down the undertaker for the body; do you obligation, sir. attend it up, and whatever charge you are at, ril repay you. Col. F. You have paid me already, I thank you, sir. [Aside.
Free. But you understand upon what condition, Mr. Tradelove; miss Lovely.
Col. F. Ya, de frow sal al te regt setten, mynheer.
Per. Will you dine with me? Col. F. I would rather not: there are some of my neighbours which I met as I came along, Free. Well then, as I am a party concerned who leave the town this afternoon, they told me, between you, mynheer Jan Van Timtamtireand I should be glad of their company down. lereletta fleer Van Feignwell shall give you a Per. Well, well, I won't detain you. I will discharge of your wager under his own hand, give orders about mourning. [Exit Colonel and you shall give him your consent to Seven hundred a year! I wish he had died marry miss Lovely under yours, that is the seventeen years ago:-What a valuable col-way to avoid all manner of disputes hereafter. lection of rarities might I have had by this Čol. F. Ya, weeragtig. time?-I might have travelled over all the
Trade. With all my heart, mynheer; you shall have my consent to marry her freely
[Sits down to write. Col. F. And so Ik sal. [Does the same. Free. So ho, the house!
Trade. Ay, ay, so it is, Mr. Freeman: I'll known parts of the globe, and made my own give it under mine this minute. closet rival the Vatican at Rome-Odso, I have a good mind to begin my travels now-let me see-I am but sixty? My father, grandfather, and great grandfather reached ninety odd;I have almost forty years good:-Let me con
sider! what will seven hundred a year amount Bid your master come up-I'll see there be to in-ay; in thirty years, I say but thirty-witnesses enough to the bargain. thirty times seven, is seven times thirty-that isjust twenty-one thousand pounds-'tis a great deal of money-I may very well reserve sixteen hundred of it for a collection of such rarities as will make my name famous to posterity-I would not die like other mortals, forgotten in a year or two, as my uncle will be-No,
With nature's curious works I'll raise my fame, That men till doomsday may repeat my name. [Exit.
SCENE IV.-A Tavern. FREEMAN and TRADELOVE discovered over a Bottle.
Trade. Come, Mr. Freeman, here's Mynheer Jan, Van, Tim, Tam, Tam,-I shall never think of that Dutchman's name
Free. Mynheer Jan Van Timtamtirelereletta Heer Van Feignwell.
Trade. Ay, Heer Van Feignwell; I never heard such a confounded name in my life-| here's his health, I say,
Free. With all my heart.
Sack. Do you call, gentlemen? Free. Ay, Mr. Sackbut, we shall want your. hand here.
Trade. There, mynheer, there's my consent as amply as you can desire; but you must insert your own name, for I know not how to spell it: I have left a blank for it.
[Gives the Colonel a Paper. Col. F. Ya Ik sal dat well doenFree. Now, Mr. Sackbut, you and I will witness it. [They write. Col. F. Daer, mynheer Tradelove, is your discharge. [Gives him a Paper. Trade. Be pleased to witness this receipt too, gentlemen.
[Freeman and Sackbut put their Hands. Free. Ay, ay, that we will.
Col. F. Well, mynheer, ye most meer doen, ye most myn voorsprach to de frow syn. Free. He means you must recommend him to the lady.
Trade. That I will, and to the rest of my
Trade. Faith I never expected to have found brother guardians. so generous a thing in a Dutchman.
Col. F. Wat voor de duyvel heb you meer
Free. As soon as I told him your circum-guardians.
Trade. Only three, mynheer,
your tyranny, if there be either law or justice Col. F. What donder heb ye myn betrocken, to be had: -I'll force you to give me up my myuheer? Had Ik dat gewoeten, Ik soude liberty. eaven met you geweest syn. Mrs. P. Thou hast more need to weep for Sack. But Mr. Tradelove is the principal, thy sins; Anne-Yea, for thy manifold sins. and he can do a great deal with the rest, sir. Miss L. Don't think that I'll be still the fool Free. And he shall use his interest, I pro- which you have made me-No, I'll wear what I mise you, mynheer. please-go when and where I please—and keep Trade. I will say all that ever I can think what company I think fit, and not what you on to recommend you, mynheer; and if you shall direct-I will. please, I'll introduce you to the lady.
Trade. For my part, I do think all this very Col. F. Well, dat is waer- - Maer ye must reasonable, miss Lovely-'tis fit you should first spreken of myn to de frow, and to oudere have your liberty, and for that very purpose gentlemen. I am come.
Free. Ay, that's the best way-and then I and the Heer Feignwell will meet you there. Enter PERIWINKLE and OBADIAH PRIM, with Trade. I will go this moment, upon hoa Letter in his Hand. nour Your most obedient humble servant. Per. I have bought some black stockings of My speaking will do you little good, myn- your husband, Mrs. Prim, but he tells me the heer: ha, ha! we have bit you, faith: ha, ha! glover's trade belongs to you? therefore I pray Well-my debts discharged, and as for Nan, you look me out five or six dozen of mourn He has my consent to get her if he can. [Exit. ing gloves, such as are given at funerals, and Col. F. Ha, ha, ha! this was a master-piece send them to of contrivance, Freeman.
Free, He hugs himself with his supposed good fortune, and little thinks the luck's on our side! But come, pursue the fickle goddess, while she's in the mood-Now for the quaker. Col. E. That's the hardest task.
Of all the counterfeits perform'd by man,
SCENE L-An Apartment in PRIM's House.
Mrs. P. So, now I like thee, Anne; art thou not better without thy monstrous hoop-coat and patches?-If heaven should make thee so many black spots upon thy face, would it not fright thee, Anne?
my house. Obad. My friend Periwinkle has got a good windfall to-day-seven hundred a year. Mrs. P. I wish thee joy of it, neighbour. Trade. What, is Sir Toby dead then? Per. He is! You'll take care, Mrs. Prim. Mrs. P. Yea, I will, neighbour.
Obad. This letter recommendeth a speaker; 'tis from Aminadab Holdfast of Bristol: peradventure he will be here this night; therefore, Sarah, do thou take care for his reception[Gives her the Letter.
Mrs. P. I will obey thee.
Trade. We must marry her, Mr. Prim, Obad. Why truly, if we could find a husband worth having, I should be as glad to see her married as thou wouldst, neighbour. Per. Well said, there are but few worth having. Trade, I can recommend you a man now,
Miss L. If it should turn you inside out- that I think you can none of you have an obward, and show all the spots of your hypo-jection to! crisy, 'twould fright me worse!
Mrs. P. My hypocrisy! I scorn thy words, Anne: I lay no baits.
Miss L. If you did, you'd catch no fish, Mrs. P. Well, well, make thy jests—but I'd have thee to know, Anne, that I could have catched as many fish (as thou call'st them) in my time, as ever thou didst with all thy fooltraps about thee.
Enter SIR PHILIP MODELove. Per. You recommend? Nay, whenever she marries, I'll recommend the husbandSir P. What must it be a whale, or a rhinoceros, Mr. Periwinkle? ha, ha, ha! Per. He shall be none of the fops at your end of the town, with full perukes and empty skulls, nor yet any of our trading gentry, Miss L. Is that the reason of your formali- who puzzle the heralds to find arms for their ty, Mrs. Prim? Truth will out: I ever thought, coaches.-No, he shall be a man famous for indeed, there was more design than godliness travels, solidity, and curiosity-one who has in the pinched cap. searched into the profundity of nature! When Mrs. P. Go, thou art corrupted with reading heaven shall direct such a one, he shall have lewd plays, and filthy romances-Ah!I wish thou my consent, because it may turn to the benefit art not already too familiar with the wicked ones. of mankind. Miss L. Too familiar with the wicked ones! Miss L. The benefit of mankind! What Pray, no more of those freedoms, madam-I am would you anatomize me? familiar with none so wicked as yourself-How dare you thus talk to me! you, you, you, unworthy woman you. [Bursts into tears.
Sir P. Ay, ay, madam, he would dissect you. Trade. Or, pore over you through a mi croscope, to see how your blood circulates from the crown of your head to the sole of your foot-ha, ha! but I have a husband for Trade. What in tears, Nancy? What have you, a man that knows how to improve your you done to her, Mrs. Prim, to make her weep? fortune; one that trades to the four corners Miss L. Done to me! I admire I keep my of the globe. senses among you;—but I will rid myself of
1) To be in a bad humour.
Miss L. And would send me for a venture
Enter COLONEL in a Quaker's Habit. Obad. Friend Pure thou art welcome: how
Trade. One that will dress you in all the is it with friend Holdfast, and all friends in pride of Europe, Asia, Africa, and America -a Dutch merchant, my girl.
the language of the hogs, madam, ha, ha!
Bristol? Timothy Litt eworth, John Slenderbrain, and Christopher Keepfaith?
Sir P. A Dutchman! ha, ha! there's a husCol. F. A goodly company! [Aside] They band for a fine lady.-Ya frow, will you meet are all in health, I thank thee for them. myn slapen-ha, ha! he'll learn you to talk Obad. Friend Holdfast writes me word, that thou camest lately from Pennsylvania: how do Trade. He'll teach you that one merchant all friends there? is of more service to a nation than fifty cox- Col. F. What the devil shall I say? I know combs. 'Tis the merchant makes the belle.- just as much of Pennsylvania as I do of BrisHow would the ladies sparkle in the box, with-tol.
out the merchant? The Indian diamond! The Obad. Do they thrive?
French brocade! The Italian fan! The Flan
Col. F. Yea, friend, the blessing of their ders lace! The fine Dutch holland! How would good works fall upon them.
they vent their scandal over their tea-tables? And where would your beaux have Champagne to toast their mistresses, were it not for the merchant.
Enter MRS. PRIM and MISS LOVELY. Obad, Sarah, know our friend Pure. Obad. Verily, neighbour Tradelove, thou Mrs. P. Thou art welcome. [He salutes her. dost waste thy breath about nothing-All that Col. F. Here comes the sum of all my wishes. thou hast said tendeth only to debauch youth, -How charming she appears even in that disand fill their heads with the pride and luxury guise! [Aside. of this world. The merchant is a very great Obad. Why dost thou consider the maiden friend to satan, and sendeth as many to his so attentively, friend. dominions as the pope. Col. F. I will tell thee: About four days ago Per. Right; I say knowledge makes the man. I saw a vision-This very maiden, but in vain Obad. Yea, but not thy kind of knowledge attire, standing on a precipice, and heard a -it is the knowledge of truth- Search thou voice which called me by my name-and bid for the light within, and not for baubles, friend. me put forth my hand and save her from the Miss L. Ah, study your country's good, Mr. pit.-I did so, and methought the damsel grew Periwinkle, and not her insects.-Rid you of unto my side. your homebred monsters, before you fetch any from abroad. I dare swear you have maggots enough in your own brain to stock all the virtuosos in Europe with butterflies.
Sir P. By my soul, miss Nancy's a wit. Obad. That is more than she can say of thee, friend.-Lookye, 'tis in vain to talk, when I meet a man worthy of her, she shall have my leave to marry him.
Miss L. Provided he be of the faithful-Was there ever such a swarm of caterpillars to blast the hopes of a woman! [Aside] Know this, that you contend in vain: I'll have no husband of your choosing, nor shall you lord it over me long.-I'll try the power of an English senate-Orphans have been redressed and wills set aside-and none did ever deserve their pity more.-O Feignwell! where are thy promises to free me from those vermin? Alas! the task was more difficult than be imagined! A harder task than what the poets tell yore, the fair Andromeda befell; She but one monster fear'd, I've four to fear, And see no Perseus, no deliv'rer near.
Mrs. P. What can that portend?
Obad. The damsel's conversion-I am persuaded.
Miss L. That's false, I'm sure
Obad. Wilt thou use the means, friend Pure? Col. F. Means! What means? Is she not thy daughter, already one of the faithful?
Mrs. P. No, alas! she's one of the ungodly. Obad. Pray thee mind what this good man will say unto thee: he will teach thee the way thou shouldst walk, Anne.
Miss L. I know my way without his instruction: I hop'd to have been quiet when once had put on your odious formality here.
Col. F. Then thou wearest it out of compulsion, not choice, friend?
Miss L. Thou art in the right of it, friendMrs. P. Art thou not ashamed to mimic the good man? Ah! thou stubborn girl.
Col. F. Mind her not; she hurteth not me -If thou wilt leave her alone with me, I will discuss some few points with her, that may perchance soften her stubbornness, and melt her into compliance.
Obad. Content: I pray thee put it home to her.-Come, Sarah, let us leave the good man with her.
Miss. L. [Catching hold of Prim; he breaks woman loose; exeunt Obad. and Mrs. P.] What, do you mean to leave me with this old en[Exit. thusiastical canter? Don't think because I complied with your formality, to impose your ridiculous doctrine upon me.
Sir P. So are you all, in my opinion. Serv. One Simon Pure inquireth for thee. [Exit. Obad. Friend Tradelove, business requireth my presence.
Col. F. I pray thee, young woman, moderate thy passion.
Trade. Oh, I shan't trouble you-Pox take Miss L. I pray thee walk after thy leader, him for an unmannerly dog- However, I have you will but lose your labour upon me.kept my word with my Dutchman, and I'll These wretches will certainly make me mad! introduce him too for all you. Col. F. I am of another opinion! the spirit
[Catching her in his arms. Miss L. [Shrieks] Ah! monster, hold off, or I'll tear thy eyes out.
Col. F. Hush! for heaven's sake-dost thou not know me? I am Feignwell.
Miss L. Feignwell.
Re-enter OBADIAH PRIM.
Oh, I'm undone! Prim here-I wish with all my soul I had been dumb.
Obad. What is the matter? Why didst thou shriek out, Anne?
Sero. There is another Simon Pure, inquireth for thee, master.
Col. F. The devil there is. Obad. Another Simon Pure! I do not know him, is he any relation of thine?
Col. F. No, friend, I know him not.-Pox take him: I wish he were in Pennsylvania [Aside. again, with all my soul.
Miss. L. What shall I do?
Col. F. Humph! then one of us must go down, that's certain-Now impudence assist me. Enter SIMON PURE.
Obad. What is thy will with me, friend?
Obad. Yea, and Simon Pure is already here, friend.
Col. F. And Simon Pure will stay here, friend, if it be possible.
Miss. L. Shriek out! I'll shriek and shriek again, cry murder, thieves, or any thing, to Aminadab Holdfast of Bristol, concerning one drown the noise of that eternal babbler, if Simon Pure? you leave me with him any longer. Obad. Was that all? Fie, fie, Anne. Col. F. No matter, I'll bring down her stomach, I'll warrant thell-Leave us, I pray thee? Obad. Fare thee well. Verily, I was afraid the flesh had got the better of the spirit. [Exit. Col. F. My charming lovely woman! [Embraces her. Miss L. What meanest thou by this disguise, Feignwell?
Col. F. To set thee free, if thou wilt perform thy promise.
Miss L. Make me mistress of my fortune, and make thy own conditions.
Col. F. This night shall answer all my wishes. -See here I have the consent of three of thy guardians already, and doubt not but Prim will make the fourth. [Obadiah listening. Obad. I would gladly hear what arguments TAside. the good man useth to bend her. Miss. L. Thy words give me new life, me
Obad. What do I hear?
Miss. L. Thou best of men, heaven meant to bless me sure, when I first saw thee.
Aside. Simon. That's an untruth, for I am he. Col. F. Take thou heed, friend, what thou dost say: I do affirm that I am Simon Pure. Simon. Thy name may be Pure, friend, but not that Pure.
Col. F. Yea, that Pure which my good friend, Aminadab Holdfast, wrote to my friend Prim about: the same Simon Pure that came from Pennsylvania, and sojourned in Bristol eleven days: thou wouldst not take my name from me, wouldst thou?-till I have done [Aside. with it.
Simon. Thy name! I am astonished!
Miss. L. Oh, he'll out-cant him.-Undone, undone for ever.
[Aside Col. F. Hark thee, friend, thy sham will not take-Don't exert thy voice, thou art too Obad. He hath mollified her-O wonderful well acquainted with satan to start at him, thou wicked reprobate-What can thy design conversion!
Enter a SERVANT. who gives PRIM a Letter. Obad. One of these must be a counterfeit, but which I cannot say.
Col. F. [Softly] Ha! Prim listening.-No be here?
Miss. L. So well, that I could talk to him for ever, methinks-I am ashamed of my former folly, and ask your pardon.
Col. F. What can that letter be? [Aside. Simon. Thou must be the devil, friend, that's certain; for no human power can speak so great a falsehood.
Obad. This letter sayeth that thou art better acquainted with that prince of darkness, than pray thee, Simon. any here-Read that, [Gives it to the Colonel Col. F. Tis Freeman's hand.- [Reads] There is a design formed to rob your house this night, and cut your throat; and for that purpose there is a man disguised like a quaker, who is to pass for one Si mon Pure: the gang, whereof I am one, though now resolved to rob no more, has Obad. True, I am no pope, Anne. Verily, been at Bristol: one of them came in the thou dost rejoice me exceedingly, friend: will coach with the quaker, whose name he hath it please thee to walk into the next room, and taken; und from what he hath gathered refresh thyself?-Come, take the maiden by from him, formed that design, and did not doubt but he should impose so far upon you as to make you turn out the real Si
Col. F. Enough, enough, that thou art sorry: he is no pope, Anne.
Col. F. We will follow thec.