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friendship, as he calls it! a curse on him! omen. My dear Marplot! let me embrace thee;

Sir G. Then you must forgive him. What

said he?

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Enter MARPlot.

Do but mark his sheepish look, sir George. Mar. Dear Charles! don't overwhelm a man already under insupportable affliction. I'm sure I always intend to serve my friends; but if my malicious stars deny the happiness, is the fault mine?

Sir G. Never mind him, Mr. Marplot; he's eat up with spleen. But tell me what says Miranda?

Mar. Says!-nay, we are all undone there too. Charles. I told you so; nothing 'prospers that he undertakes.

Mar. Why, can I help her having chose your father for better for worse?

Charles. So; there's another of fortune's strokes. I suppose I shall be edged out of my estate with twins every year, let who will get 'em.

Sir G. What! is the woman really possess'd?
Mar. Yes, with the spirit of contradiction:
she railed at you most prodigiously.
Sir G. That's no ill sign.

Mar. You'd say it was no good sign if you knew all.

Sir G. Why, pr'ythee?

Mar. Hark'e, sir George, let me warn you; pursue your old haunt no more; it may be dangerous. [Charles sits down to write. Sir G. My old haunt! what do you mean? Mar. Why, in short then, since you will have it, Miranda vows if you dare approach the garden-gate at eight o'clock, as you us'd, you shall meet with a warm reception.

Sir G. A warm reception!

Mar. Ay, a very warm reception-you shall be saluted with a blunderbuss, sir. These were her very words: nay, she bid me tell you so too. Sir G. Ha! the garden-gate at eight, as I us'd to do! There must be meaning in this. Is there such a gate, Charles?

Mar. Is there such a gate, Charles? Charles. Yes, yes, it opens into the Park: I suppose her ladyship has made many a scamper through it.

Sir G. It must be an assignation then. Ila! ay heart springs for joy; 'tis a propitious!

thou art my friend, my better angel.
Mar. What do you mean, sir George?
Sir G. No matter what I mean. Here, take
bumper to the garden-gate, you dear rogue, you!
Mar. You have reason to be transported,
sir George; I have sav'd your life.


Sir G. My life! thou hast sav'd my soul, man. Charles, if thou dost not pledge this health, may'st thou never taste the joys of love. Charles. Whisper, be sure you take care how you deliver this. [Gives him a Letter] Bring me the answer to my lodgings.

Whis. I warrant you, sir.

Mar. Whither does that letter go? Now dare I not ask for my blood-That fellow knows more secrets than I do.—Aside. Following Whisper as he is going]-Whisper! Whisper!

Whis. Sir.

Mar. Whisper, here's half a crown for y
Whis. Thank ye, sir.



Mar. Now where is that letter going?
Whis. Into my pocket, sir.
Charles. Now I'm for you.
Sir G. To the garden-gate at the hour of
eight, Charles: allons; huzza!

Charles. I begin to conceive you.

Mar. That's more than I do, 'egad-To the garden-gate, huzza! [Drinks] But I hope you design to keep far enough of on't, sir George.

Sir G. Ay, ay, never fear that; she shall see despise her frowns; let her use the blunderbuss against the next fool; she shan't reach me with the smoke, I warrant her; ha, ha, ha!

Mar. Ah, Charles! if you could receive a disappointment thus en cavalier, one should have some comfort in being beat for you.

Charles. The fool comprehends nothing. Sir G. Nor would I have him. Pr'ythee, take him along with thee. Charles. Enough. Sir G. I kiss both for the garden-gate.


hands- And now

It's beauty gives the assignation there,
And love too powerful grows t'admit of

Charles. Come, you shall go home with me.
Mar. Shall I! and are we friends, Charles?
-I am glad of it.

Charles. Come along.


Mar. 'Egad, Charles's asking me to go home with him gives me a shrewd suspicion there's more in the garden-gate than I comprehend. Faith, I'll give him the drop), and away to Gardy's and find it out. [Exil


FICK'S House; PATCH peeping out of the


Whis. Ha! Mrs. Patch, this is a lucky minute, to find you so readily; my master dies with impatience,

Patch. My lady imagin'd so, and by her orders I have been scouting this hour in search of you, to inform you that sir Jealous has invited some friends to supper with him to-night,

1) I'll give him the drop; I'll give him the slip, is slang for, I'll get away from him.

which gives an opportunity to your master to
make use of his ladder of ropes. The closet
window shall be open, and Isabinda ready to
receive him. Bid him come immediately.
Whis. Excellent! he'll not disappoint, I war- Patch. Yes, very sure, madam; but I heard
rant him. But hold, I have a letter here which sir Jealous coming down stairs, so clapped
I'm to carry an answer to. I cannot think his letter into my pocket. [Feels for the Letter.
what language the direction is.
Isa. A letter! give it me quickly.
Patch. Pho! 'tis no language, but a cha- Patch. Bless me! what's become on't-I'm
racter which the lovers invented to avert dis- sure I put it-
[Searching still.
-Ha! I hear my old master coming Isa. Is it possible thou couldst be so care-
down stairs; it is impossible you should have less?-Oh, I'm undone for ever if it be lost.
an answer: away, and bid him come himself Patch. I must have dropp'd it upon the stairs.
for that. Be gone, we're ruin'd if you're seen, But why are you so much alarm'd? if the
for he has doubled his care since the last accident. worst happens nobody can read it, madam,
Whis. I go, I go.
[Exit. nor find out whom it was design'd for.
Patch. There, go thou into my pocket. Puts Isa. If it falls into my father's hands the
it aside, and it falls down] Now I'll up the very figure of a letter will produce ill conse-
back stairs lest I meet him-Well, a dextrous quences. Run and look for it upon the stairs
chambermaid is the ladies' best utensil, I say. this moment.

ISABINDA and PATCH discovered.
Isa. Are you sure nobody saw you speak
to Whisper?


[Exit. Patch. Nay, I'm sure it can be no where else

Enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK, with a Letter

in his Hand.

Enter Butler.


But. My master ordered me to lay the cloth

Sir J. So, this is some comfort; this tells How now, what do you want? me that signior don Diego Babinetto is safely

arriv'd. He shall marry my daughter the mi- here for supper.
nute he comes-Ha, ha! what's here? [Takes
up the Letter Patch dropped] A letter! I
don't know what to make of the superscrip-

Isa. Ruin'd past redemption— [Aside. Patch. You mistake, sure. What shall we do? Isa. I thought he expected company to-night tion. I'll see what's withinside. [Opens it]—Oh, poor Charles! oh, unfortunate Isabinda! Humph-'tis Hebrew, I think. What can this But I thought so too, madam; but I supmean?-There must be some trick in it. This pose he has altered his mind.

was certainly design'd for my daughter; but

[Lays the Cloth, and exit. Isa. The letter is the cause. This heedless

I don't know that she can speak any language but her mother tongue. No matter for that; action has undone me. Fly and fasten the this may be one of love's hieroglyphics; and closet window, which will give Charles notice I fancy I saw Patch's tail sweep by: that to retire. Ha! my father! oh, confusion! wench may be a slut, and instead of guarding my honour betray it. I'll find it out, I'm resolv'd-Who's there?

Enter Servant.

What answer did you bring from the gentlemen I sent you to invite?

Serv. That they'd all wait on you, sir, as I told you before; but I suppose you forgot, sir.

Sir J. Did I so, sir? but I shan't forget to break your head if any of them come, sir. Serv. Come, sir! why, did not you send me to desire their company, sir?

Sir J. But I send you now to desire their absence. Say I have something extraordinary fallen out, which calls me abroad contrary to expectation, and ask their pardon; and, d'ye hear, send the butler to me.

Serv. Yes, sir.

Enter Butler.


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Sir J. He wants the eyes of Argus that has a young handsome daughter in this town; but

whither are you out of the room

Sir J. Hold, hold, Patch;
going? I'll have nobody stir
till after supper.
Patch. Sir, I was going to reach your easy
chair-oh, wretched accident! [Aside.

Sir J. I'll have nobody stir out of the room.
I don't want my easy chair.
Isa. What will be the event of this? [Aside.
Sir J. Harkye, daughter, do you know this


Isa. As I suspected [Aside]-Hand, do call it, sir? 'tis some schoolboy's scrawl. Patch. Oh, invention! thou chambermaid's best friend, assist me! Aside.


Sir J. Are you sure you don't understand it?
[Patch feels in her Bosom, and
shakes her Coats.

Isa. Do you understand it, sir?
Sir J. I wish I did.

Isa. Thank heav'n you do not [Aside] Then
know no more of it than you do, indeed, sir!
Patch. O Lord, O Lord! what have you
done, sir? why, the paper is mine; I dropp'd
out of my bosom. [Snatching it from him.
Sir J. Ha! yours, mistress?
Patch. Yes, sir, it is.


Str J. What is it? speak.

Patch. Yes, sir, it is a charm for the toothmy comfort is I shall not be troubled long ache-I have worn it these seven years; 'twas with her. He that pretends to rule a girl once given me by an angel for aught I know, when in her teens had better be at sea in a storm, I was raving with the pain, for nobody knew and would be in less danger. [Exit. from whence he came nor whither he went.

He charged me never to open it, lest some Sir J. Hey, hey! why, you are a-top of the dire vengeance befall me, and heaven knows house, and you are down in the cellar. What what will be the event. Óh, cruel misfortune! is the meaning of this? is it on purpose to that I should drop it and you should open it cross me, ha?

-If you had not open'd it-
Sir J. Pox of your charms and whims for I cannot reach that note, I fear.
me! if that be all 'tis well enough: there,
there, burn it, and I warrant you no vengeance
will follow.

Patch. Pray, madam, take it a little lower;

Patch. So all's right again thus far. [Aside. Isa. I would not lose Patch for the world -I'll take courage a little. [Aside] Is this usage for your daughter, sir? must my virtue and conduct be suspected for every trifle? You immure me like some dire offender here, and deny me all the recreations which my sex enjoy, and the custom of the country and modesty allow; yet not content with that, you make my confinement more intolerable by your mistrusts and jealousies. Would I were dead, so I were free from this.

Sir J. To-morrow rids you of this tiresome load: Don Diego Babinetto will be here, and then my care ends and his begins,

Isa. Is he come then?-Oh, how shall I avoid this hated marriage!

Enter Servants, with Supper. Sir J. Come, will you sit down? Isa. I can't eat, sir.


Isa, Well, begin-Oh, Patch, we shall be discover'd. [Aside. Patch. I sink with apprehension, madam. [Aside]-Humph, humph.

[Sings. Charles opens the Closet door. Charles, Music and singing! Death! her father there! [The Women shriek] Then I must fly[Exit into the Closet. Sir Jealous rises up hastily, seeing Charles slip back into the Closet.

Sir J. Hell and furies! a man in the closet!— Patch. Ah! a ghost! a ghost! He must not enter the closet.

[Isabinda throws herself down before the Closet door as in a swoon. Sir J. The devil! I'll make a ghost of him, I warrant you. [Strives to get by. Patch. Oh, hold, sir, have a care; you'll tread upon my lady-Who waits there? bring some water. Oh, this comes of your opening the charm. Oh, oh, oh, oh! [Weeps aloud.

Sir J. I'll charm you, housewife. Here lies the charm that conjur'd this fellow in, I'm sure Patch. No, I dare swear he has given her on't. Come out, you rascal, do so. Zounds! supper enough. I wish I could get into the take her from the door or I'll spurn her from closet. [Aside. it, and break your neck down stairs. Where Sir J. Well, if you can't eat, then give me are you, sirrah? Villain! robber of my hoa song, whilst I do. nour! I'll pull you out of your nest.

Isa. I have such a cold I can scarce speak,
sir, much less sing.
How shall I prevent
Charles's coming in?

[Goes into the Closet. Patch. You'll be mistaken, old gentleman;

[Aside. the bird is flown.

Sir J. I hope you have the use of your fingers, madam. Play a tune upon your spinnet whilst your woman sings me a song. Patch. I'm as much out of tune as my lady, if he knew all. [Aside.

Isa. I shall make excellent music.

[Sits down to play. Patch. Really, sir, I am so frighten'd about your opening this charm that I can't remember one song.

Sir J. Pish! hang your charm! come, come, sing any thing.

Patch. Yes, I'm likely to sing, truly. [4side] Humph, humph; bless, me! I can't raise my voice, my heart pants so.

Sir J. Why, what does your heart pant so that you can't play neither? Pray what key are you in, ha?'

Patch. Ah, would the key 1) was turn'd on

you once.

Isa. I'm glad I have 'scap'd so well; I was almost dead in earnest with the fright. Re-enter SIR JEALOUS out of the Closet.

Sir J. Whoever the dog were he has escap'd out of the window, for the sash is up: but though he is got out of my reach, you are not. And first, Mrs. Pander, with your charms for the tooth-ache, get out of my house, go, troop; yet hold, stay, I'll see you out of doors myself; but I'll secure your charge ere I go.

Isa. What do you mean, sir? was she not a creature of your own providing?

Sir J. She was of the devil's providing, for aught I know.

Patch. What have I done, sir, to merit your displeasure?

Sir J. I don't know which of you have done it, but you shall both suffer for it, till I can discover whose guilt it is. Go, get in there; [Aside. I'll move you from this side of the house. Sir J. Why don't you sing, I say? [Pushes Isabinda in at the Door and locks Patch. When madam has put her spinnet it, puts the Key in his Pocket] I'll keep the key myself; I'll try what ghost will get into that room: and now forsooth I'll wait on you down stairs.

in tune, sir: humph, humph—

Isa. I cannot play, sir, whatever ails me. [Rising. Sir J. Zounds! sit down and play me a tune, or I'll break the spinnet about your ears. Isa. What will become of me?

[Sits down and plays, Sir. J. Come, mistress.. [To Patch. Patch. Yes, sir. [Sings, but horridly out of tune.

1) The pun consists in the word Key's being employed in music as well as for the door.

Patch. Ah, my poor lady!-Down stairs, sir! but I won't go out, sir, till I have lock'd up my clothes, and that's flat.

Sir J. If thou wert as naked as thou wert
born, thou shouldst not stay to put on a
smock, and that's flat.

SCENE III.-The Street.
Sir J. [Putting Patch out at the Door]

Scent. For aught you know. Come, come, your hand, and away.

There, go and come no more within sight of my habitation these three days, I charge you. [Slaps the Door after her, Patch. Did ever any body see such an old monster!

Enter CHARles.

Oh, Mr. Charles! your affairs and mine are in an ill posture.

Charles. I am inur'd to the frowns of fortube; but what has befall'n thee?

Sir G. Here, here, child; you can't be half
so swift as my desires.

SCENE V.-The House.

Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my mad self. Now, don't I transgress all rules to venture upon a man without the advice of the grave and wise! But then a rigid, knavish Patch. Sir Jealous, whose suspicious nature guardian who would have marry'd me--tox is always on the watch, nay, even while one whom? even to his nauseous self, or nobody. eye sleeps the other keeps sentinel, upon sight Sir George is what I have try'd in conversayou flew into such a violent passion, that tion, inquir'd into his character, and am satisI could find no stratagem to appease him, but fied in both. Then his love! who would have in spite of all arguments he lock'd his daughter given a hundred pounds only to have seen a into his own apartment, and turn'd me out woman he had not infinitely lov'd? So I find


of doors.

Charles. Ha! oh, Isabinda!

Patch. And swears she shall see neither sun nor moon till she is don Diego Babinetto's wife, who arrived last night, and is expected with impatience.

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my liking him has furnish'd me with argu-
ments enough of his side: and now the only
doubt remains whether he will come or no.
Scent. That's resolv'd, madam, for here's the

Charles, He dies; yes, by all the wrongs of love he shall: here will I plant myself, and Šir G. And do I once more behold that through my breast he shall make his passage, lovely object whose idea fills my mind, and forms my pleasing dreams?

if he enters.

Patch. A most heroic resolution! there might be ways found out more to your advantage: policy is often preferr'd to open force.

Charles, I apprehend you not.

Patch, What think you of personating this Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marrying your mistress by his own consent?

Charles. Say'st thou so, my angel! Oh, could that be done, my life to come would be too short to recompense thee: but how can I do that when I neither know what ship he came in, nor from what part of Spain; who recommends him, or how attended.

Patch. I can solve all this. He is from Madrid, his father's name don Pedro Questo Portento Babinetto. Here's a letter of his to sir Jealous, which he dropp'd one day. You understand Spanish, and the hand may be counterfeited. You conceive me, sir?

Mir. What, beginning again in heroics?— Sir George, don't you remember how little fruit your last prodigal oration produc'd? Not one bare, single word in answer.

Sir G. Ha! the voice of my incognita! Why did you take then thousand ways to captivate a heart your eyes alone had vanquish'd?

Mir, No more of these flights. Do you think we can agree on that same terrible bugbear, matrimony, without heartily repenting on both sides?

Sir G. It has been my wish since first my longing eyes beheld you.

Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleasing news I had thirty thousand pounds. Sir G. Unkind! Did I not offer you, in those purchas'd minutes, to run the risk of your fortune, so you would but secure that lovely per

Charles. My better genius! thou hast re- son to my arms? viv'd my drooping soul. I'll about it instantly. Mir. Well, if you have such love and tenCome to my lodgings, and we'll concert mat-derness, since our wooing has been short, pray [Exeunt. reserve it for our future days, to let the world see we are lovers after wedlock; 'twill be a SCENE IV.-A Garden-gate open; SCENT- novelty.


WELL waiting within.

Sir G. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, and prove the envied pair—

Sir G. So, this is the gate, and most invit- Mir. Hold, not so fast; I have provided betingly open. If there should be a blunderbuss ter than to venture on dangerous experiments here now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall headlong-My guardian, trusting to my dismake for fools, and what a jest for the wits; sembled love, has given up my fortune to my how my name would be roar'd about the own disposal, but with this proviso, that he streets! Well, I'll venture all. to-morrow morning weds me. He is now gone to Doctor's Commons for a licence. Sir G. Ha! a licence!

Scent. Hist, hist! sir George Airy— [Comes forward. Sir G. A female voice! thus far I'm safeMy dear, Scent. No, I'm not your dear, but I'll conduct you to her. Give me your hand; you must go through many a dark passage and dirty step before you arrive

Mir. But I have planted emissaries that infallibly take him down to Epsom, under a pretence that a brother usurer of his is to make him his executor, the thing on earth he covets. Sir G. 'Tis his known character.

Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this Sir G. I know I must before I arrive at man is dying, and he sends me word he goes Paradise; therefore be quick, my charming this minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can guide. be undeceiv'd: that time is ours.

Sir G. Let us improve it then, and settle a, a, a, a, a monkey shut up there; and if on our coming years, endless happiness. you open it before the man comes that is to Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the tame it, 'tis so wild 'twill break all my china road-then I and my writings, the most ma- or get away, and that would break my heart; terial point, are soon remov'd. for I'm fond on't to distraction, next thee, dear Sir G. I have one favour to ask: if it lies Gardy? [In a flattering Tone. in your power you would be a friend to poor Sir F. Well, well, Chargy, I won't open Charles; though the son of this tenacious man, it; she shall have her monkey, poor rogue! he is as free from all his vices as nature and Here, throw this peel out of the window. a good education can make him; and, what now I have vanity enough to hope will induce you, he is the man on earth I love.

Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it on as it help'd my designs on his father. If his uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, which I shrewdly suspect, I may do him singular piece of service.


Sir G. You are all goodness.


Scent. Oh, madam! my master and Mr. Marplot are just coming into the house, Mir. Undone, undone! if he finds you here in this crisis, all my plots are unravell'd. Sir G. What shall I do? Can't I get back into the garden?

Scent. Oh no! he comes up those stairs. Mir. Here, here, here! Can you condescend to stand behind this chimney-board, sir George?

Sir G. Any where, any where, dear ma dam! without ceremony.

Scent. Come, come, sir, lie close.
[They put him behind the Chimney-board,


[Exit Scentwell, Mar. A monkey! Dear madam, let me see it; I can tame a monkey as well as the best of them all: Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man!

Mir. Be quiet, mischief! and stand further from the chimney-You shall not see my mookey -why sure[Striving with him.

Mar. For heaven's sake, dear madam! let me but peep, to see if it be as pretty as lady Fiddle faddle's. Has it got a chain?

Mir. Not yet, but I design it one shall last its lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it.-Look, Gardy, how he teazes me!

Sir F. [Getting between him and the Chimney.] Sirrah, sirrah, let my Chargy's monkey alone, or bamboo shall fly about your ears. What, is there no dealing with you? Mar. Pugh, pox of the monkey! here's a rout! I wish he may rival you.

Enter Servant.

Serv. Sir, they have put two more horses to the coach, as you order'd, and 'tis ready at the door.

Sir F. Well, I am going to be executor: better for thee, jewel. B'ye, Chargy; one buss! -I'm glad thou hast got a monkey to divert thee a little.

Mir. Thank'e, dear Gardy!-Nay, I'll see you to the coach.

Sir F. That's kind, adad.

Mir. Come along, impertinence. [To Marplot.

Mar. [Stepping back] 'Egad, I will see the monkey now. [Lifts up the Board, and discovers Sir George] O Lord! O Lord! Thieves! thieves! murder!

SIR FRANCIS peeling an Orange. Sir F. I could not go, though 'tis upon life and death, without taking leave of dear Chargy. Besides, this fellow buzz'd into my ears that thou might'st be so desperate as to shoot that wild rake which haunts the garden-gate, and that would bring us into trouble, dearMir. So Marplot brought you back then? Mar. Yes, I brought him back. Mir. I'm oblig'd to him for that, I'm sure. [Frowning at Marplot aside. Sir G. Damn ye, you unlucky dog! 'tis l. Mar. By her looks she means she's not Which way shall I get out? Show me inoblig'd to me. I have done some mischief now, stantly, or I'll cut your throat. [Aside. Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there. Sir F. Well, Chargy, I have had three But hold, hold; break that china, and I'll bring messengers to come to Epsom to my neigh- you off. [He runs off at the Corner, and bour Squeezum's, who, for all his vast riches, throws down some China. is departing. [Sighs. Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must Re-enter

but what I can't imagine,

come to.

SIR FRANCIS Gripe, Miranda, and

Sir F. Peace, you young knave! Some forty Sir F. Mercy on me! what's the matter? years hence I may think on't- But, Chargy, Mir. O, you toad! what have you done? I'll be with thee to-morrow before those pretty Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to foreyes are open; I will, I will, Chargy, I'll rouse give me. Longing to see the monkey, I did you, i'faith-Here, Mrs. Scentwell, lift up your but just raise up the board, and it flew over lady's chimney-board, that I may throw my my shoulders, scratch'd all my face, broke your peel 1) in, and not litter her chamber. china, and whisked out of the window. Sir F. Where, where is it, sirrah? Mar. There, there, sir Francis, upon your neighbour Parmazan's pantiles.

Mir. Oh, my stars! what will become of us now? [Aside Scent. Oh, pray, sir, give it me; I love it above all things in nature, indeed I do. Sir F. Was ever such an unlucky rogue! Sir F. No, no, hussy; you have the green Sirrah, I forbid you my house. Call the serpip already; I'll have no apothecary's bills. vants to get the monkey again. Pug, pug [Goes towards the Chimney. pug! I would stay myself to look for it, but Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy! I have you know my earnest business.

1) Orange peel.

Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it

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