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Mrs. D. My dear, but why are you in such' of girls; our tempers accord like unisons in a passion?
music. Drug. I'll have the lavender pig, and the Drug. Ah! that's what makes me bappy iu Adam and Eve, and the dragon of Wantley, my old days; my children and my garden and all of 'em-and there shan't be a more are all my care. romantic spot on the London road than mine. Sir C. And my friend Lovelace—be is lo
Mrs. D. I'm sure it's as pretty as bands bave our sister Nancy, I find. can make it.
Drug. Why my wife is so minded. Drug. I did it all myself, aud I'll do more Sir C. Oh, by all means, let her be made -And Mr. Lovelace shan't have my daughter. bappy-A very pretly fellow Lovelace— And
Mrs. D. No! what's the matter now, Mr. as to that Mr. - Woodley I think you call Drugget?
him-he is but a plain, underbred, ill-fashioned Drug. He shall learn better manners than sort of a---nobody knows him; he is not one to abuse my house and gardens. – You put of us-Oh, by all means marry ber to one him in the head of it, but I'll dissappoint ye of us. both-And so you may go and tell Mr. Love- Drug. I believe it must be so-Would you lace that the match is quite off.
take any refreshment? Mrs. D. I can't comprehend all this, not I Sir C. Nothing in nature—it is time to re-but I'll tell him so, if you please, my dear tire. -I am willing to give myself pain, if it will Drug. Well, well! good night then, sir give you pleasure: must I give myself pain? Charles-Ha! here comes my daughter-Good -Don't ask me, pray don't-I don't like pain. night, sir Charles. Drug. I am resolvid, and it shall be so.
Sir C. Bon repos. Mrs. D. Let it be so then. [Cries] Oh! oh! Drug [Going out] My lady Racket, I'm cruel man! I shall break my heart if the match glad to hear how happy you are, I won't deis broke off- if it is not concluded to-morrow, tain you now-there's your good man waiting send for an undertaker, and bury me the for you-good night, my girl. (Exit
. next day.
Sir C. I must humour this old putt, in orDrug. How! I don't want that neither- der to be remember'd in his will. Mrs. D. Oh! oh!Drug. I am your lord and master, my dear,
Enter LADY RACKET. but not your executioner - Before George, it Lady R. () la!—I'm quite fatigu'd- I can must never be said that my wife died of too hardly move-why don't you help me, you much compliance-Cheer up, my love-and barbarous man? this affair shall be settled as soon as sir Char- Sir C. There, take my arm
Was ever les and lady Racket arrive.
thing so pretty made to walk? Mrs. D. You bring me to life again - You Lody R. But I won't be laugh’d at–I don! know, my sweet, what an happy couple sir love you. Charles and his lady are --- Why should not Sir C. Don't you? we make our Nancy as happy?
Lady R. No.' Dear me! this glove! why
don't you help me off with my glove? pshaw! Re-enter Dimity.
- You awkward thing, let it alone; you an' Dim. Sir Charles and bis lady, ma'am. sit to be about me, I might as well not be
Mrs. D. Oh! charming! I'm transported married, for any use you are of-reach me a with joy - Where are they? I long to see chair- you have no compassion for me-I am 'em !
[Erit. so glad to sit down-why do you drag me Dim. Well, sir; the couple are arriv'd. to routs ? - You know I hate 'em. Drug. Yes, they do live happy indeed. Sir C. Oh! there's no existing, no breathing, Dim. But how long will it last? unless one does as other people of fashion do.
Drug. How long don't forbode any ill, Lady R. But I'm out of humour; I lost all you jade - don't, I say. – It will last during my money, ibeir lives, I hope.
'Sir C. How much. Dim. Well, mark the end of it-Sir Char- Lady R. Three bundred. Jes, I know, is gay and good humour'd-but Sir C. Never sret for that -- don't value he can't bear the least contradiction, no, not three hundred pounds to contribute to your in the merest trifle.
happiness. Drug. Hold your tongue-hold your tongue. Lady R. Don't you?-Not value three hund
Dim. Yes, sir, I have done-and yet there red pounds to please me? is in the composition of sir Charles a certain Sir C. You know I don't. humour, which, like the flying gout, gives no Lady R. Ah! you fond fool! - But I hate disturbance to the family fill it setiles in the gaming - It almost metamorphoses a woman head-Wheo once it fixes there, mercy on into a fury-Do you know that I was frighevery body about him! but here he comes. tened at myself several times to-night -1 bad
[E.rit. an huge oath at the very tip of my tongue.
Sir C. Had ye?
Lady R. I caught myself at it-and so I Sir C. My dear sir, I kiss your hand—but bit my lips-and iben I was crammd up in why stand on ceremony? To find you up a corner of the room with such a strange thu's late, mortifies me beyond expression. party at a whist-table, looking at black add
Drug. 'Tis but once in a way, sir Charles. red spots-did you mind 'em? Sir C. My obligations to you are inexpress- Sir C. You know I was busy elsewhere. ible; you have given me the most amiable! Lady R. There was that strange, unaccountable woman, Mrs. Nightshade — She behav'd it's the clearest case iu the world, I'll make it so strangely to her husband, a poor, inoffen- plain in a moment. sive, good-natur'd, good sort of a good-for-I' Lady li. Well, sir! ha, ha, ba! nothing kind of man-but she so te az'd bim say so?
[With a sneering Laugh. “How could you play that card ? Ah, you've Sir C. I had four cards left-a trump was a head, and so has a pin-You're a numscull
, led-they were six-no, no, no, they were you know you are- e-Ma'am, he has the poor- seven, and we nine — then, you know-the est head in the world, he does not know what beauty of the play was tohe is about; you know you don't — Ah, fie! Lady R. Well, now it's amazing to me, I'm asbam'd of you!".
that you can't see it give me leave, sir Sir C. She has seri'd to divert you, I see. Charles — your left hand adversary had led
Lady R. And then, to crown all-there was his last trump-and he had before finess'd my lady Clackit, who runs on with an eter- the club, and rough'd the diamond—now if nal volubility of nothing, out of all season, you had put on your diamondtime, and place - In the very midst of the Sir C. Zoons!' madam, but we play'd for game she begins-“ Lard, ma'am, I was ap- the odd trick. prehensive I should not be able to wait on Lady R. And sure the play for the odd your la’ship-my poor little dog, Pompey-trick the sweetest thing in the world-a spade led! Sir C. Death and fury! can't you hear me? - there's the knave - I was fetching a walk, Lady R. Go on, sir. me'ın, the other morning in the Park—a fine Sir C. Zoons! hear me, I say-Will you frosty morning it was- love frosty weather hear me? of all things~ let me look at the last trick- Lady R. I never heard the like in my life. and so, me'm, little Pompey—and if your la'- [Hums a Tune, and walks about freifully. ship was to see the dear creature pinch'd Sir C. Why then you are enough to prowith the frost, and mincing his steps along voke the patience of a stoic. [Looks at her; the Mall - with his pretty, liitle, innocent face she walks about, and laughs uneasily] Very - I vow I don't know what to play-and so, well, madam-you know no more of the game me'em, while I was talking to captain Flim- than your father's leaden Hercules on the top sey - your la’ship knows captain Flimsey- of the house-you know no more of whist nothing but rubbish in my hand-I can't help than he does of gardening. it )--and so, me'm, five odious frights of dogs Lady
Lady R. Ha, ha, ha! beset my poor little Pompey-the dear crea- [Takes out a Glass, and settles her Hair. ture has the heart of a lion, but who can Sir C. You're a vile woman, and I'll not resist five at once?--And so Pompey barked sleep another night under one roof with you. for assistance, the hurt he received was upon Lady R. As you please, sir. his chest, the doctor would not advise him Sir C. Madam, it shall be as I please- I'll to venture out till the wound is heal’d, for order my chariot this moment. (Going] ! fear of an inflammation-Pray wbat's trumps ?." know how the cards should be play'd as well
Sir C, My dear, you'd make a most excel- as any man in England, that let me tell you. lent actress.
[Going] And when your family were standLady R. Well, now let's go to rest-but, ing behind counters, measuring out tape, and sir Charles, how shockingly you play'd that bartering for Whitechapel needles, my anlast rubber, when I stood looking over you! cestors, my ancestors, madam, were squan
Sir C. My love, I play'd the truth of the game.dering away whole estates' at cards; whole Lady R. No, indeed, my dear, you play'd estates, my lady Racket. [She hums a Tune,
and he looks at her] Why then, by all that's Sir C. Po! nonsense! you don't under- dear to me, I'll never exchange another word stand it.
with you, good, bad, or indifferent-Lookye, Lady R. I beg your pardon, I'm allowed my lady, Racket-thus it stood — the trump to play better than you.
being led, it was then my business.Sir C. All conceit, my dear; I was perfect- Lady R. To play the diamond, to be sure. ly right.
Sir C. Damn it, I have done with you for Lady R. No such thing, sir Charles; the ever, and so you may tell your father. [Exit
. diamond was the play:
Lady R. What a passion the gentleman's Sir C. Po! po! ridiculous! the club was in! ha, ha! [Laughs in a peevish Manner] the card, against the world.
I promise him I'll not give up my judgment. Lady R. Oh! no, no, no, I say it was the diamond.
Re-enter Sir CHARLES Racket. Sir C. Zounds! madam, I say it was the club. Sir C. My lady Racket, lookye, ma’am
Lady R. What do you fly into such a pas- once more, out of pure good naturesion for?
Lady R. Sir, I am convinc'd of your good Sir C. 'Sdeath and fury! do you think I nature. don't know wbat I'm about? I tell
you Sir C. That, and that only, prevails with more the club was the judgment of it. me to tell you the club was the play. Lady R. May be so-have it your own way, Lady R. Well, be it so-I have no ob
Walks about and sings.jection, Sir C. Vexation! you're the strangest wo- Sir C. It's the clearest point in the world man that cver liv'd; there's no conversing --we were nine, and with you-Look’ye bere, my lady Racket-1, Lady R. And for that very reason — - you 1) This is said iu reply to a look of astonis; nuent from koow the club was the best in the house. ber partner at her playing such bad cards.
Sir C. There is no such thing as talking to
you-You're a basc woman-I'll part
from you - to disturb the serenity of my temper-Don't for ever; you may live here with your father, imagine that I'm in a passion—I'm not so easily and admire his fantastical evergreens, till you ruffled as you may imagine-But quietly and grow as fantastical yourself — I'll set out for deliberately I can repay the injuries done me London this instant - [Stops at the Door] by a false, ungrateful, deceitful wife. The club was not the best in the house. Drug. The injuries done you by a false,
Lady R. How calm you are! Well!--I'll ungrateful wise! My daughter, I hope-
-come then you shall come to bed—not memshe's a vile woman! that's all I have to
- what Sir C. That ease is provoking. [Crosses to bas she done-I hope she is not capablethe opposite Door where she went out] !
Sir C. I shall enter into no detail, Mr. tell you the diamond was not the play, and Drugget; the time and circumstances won't I here take my final leave of you. (Walks allow it a present—But depend upon it I have back as fast as he can] I am resolv'd upon done with her—a low, unpolish’d, uneducated, it, and I know the club was not the besi in false, imposing-See if the horses are put to. the house.
[Exit. . Drug. Mercy on me! in my old days to A CT II.
Enter Mrs. DRUGGET.
Mrs. D. Deliver me! I am all over in such
Sir C. Madam, I am very sorry, for your they have had the whole house is in an sake — but there is no possibility of living uproar--ha, ha! a rare proof of the happiness with her. they enjoy in high life. I shall never hear Mrs. D. My poor dear girl! What can she people of fashion mentioned again but I shall have done? be ready to die in a fit of laughter — ho, ho,
Sir C. What all her sex can do; the very ho! this is three weeks after marriage, I think spirit of them all."
Drug. Ay, ay, ay !-She's bringing foul dis-
grace upon us — This comes of her marrying Drug. Hey! how! what's the matter, Di- a man of fashion. mity?-What am I call'd down stairs for? Sir C. Fashion, sir! that should have inDim. Why, there's two people of fashion-structed her better-she might bave been sen
[Stifles a laugh. sible of ber happiness - Whatever you may Drug. Why, you saucy minx!—Explain this think of the fortune you gave her, my rank moment.
in life claims respect — claims obedience, atDim. The fond couple have been together tention, truth, and love, from one raised in the by the ears this half hour - Are you satis- world, as she has been by an alliance with me. fied now?
Drug. And let me tell you, however you Drug. Ay!-what, have they quarrell'd— may estimate your quality, my daughter is what was it about?
dear to me. Dim. Something above my comprehension, Sir C. And, sir, my character is dear to me. and yours too, I believe - People in high life Drug. Yet you must give me leave to tell understand their own forms best - And here youcomes one that can unriddle the whole affair. Sir C. I won't hear a word.
[Exit. Drug. Not in behalf of my own daughter? Enter SIR CHARLES RACKET.
Sir C. Nothing can excuse her – 'tis to no
purpose — she has married above her; and if Sir C. [To the People within] I say let lihat circumstance makės the lady forget her: the horscs be put to this moment So, Mr. sell, she at least shall see that I can, and will Drugget.
support my own dignity. Drug. Sir Charles, here's a terrible bustle- Drug. But, sir, I have a right to askI did not expect this—what can be the matter? Mrs. D. Patience, my dear; be a little calm.
Sir C. I have been usd by your daughter Drug. Mrs. Drugget, do you have patience; in so base, so contemptuous a manner, that l I must and will inquire. am determined not to stay in this house to- Mrs. D. Don't be so hasty, my love; bave night.
some respect for sir Charles's rank; don't be Drug. This is a thunderbolt to me! After violent with a man of his fashion. seeing how elegantly and fashionably you liv'd Drug. Hold your tongue, woman, I say together, to find now all sunshine vanish'd you're not a person of fashion at least - My Do, sir Charles, let me heal ibis breach, if daughter was ever a good girl. possible.
Sir C. I have found her out. Sir C. Sir, 'tis impossible--I'll not live with Drug. Oh! then it is all over- -and it does her a day longer.
not signify arguing about it. Drug. Nay, nay, don't be over basty-let Mrs. D. That ever I should live to see this me entreat you, go to bed and sleep upon it-hour! how the unfortunate girl could take in the morning, when you're cool such wickedness in ber head, I can't imagine
Sir C. Oh, sir, I am very cool, I assure-1-I'll go and speak tu the unhappy creature ba, ba!-it is not in her power, sir, to-a-althis moment.
Sir C. She stands detected now-detected in Sir C. She can have nothing to say-no exher truest colours.
cuse can palliate such behaviour. Drug. Well, grievous as it may be, let me Drug. Don't be too positive-there may be hear the circumstances of this unhappy business. some mistake.
Sir C. Mr. Drugget, I bave noi leisure now Sir C. No mistake-did not I sce her, hear - but her behaviour has been so exasperating, her myself? that I sball make the best of my way to town Drug. Lack-a-day! then I am an unfortu- My mind is fixed — She sees me no more; nate nan! and so, your servant, sir.
[E.cit. Sir C. She will be unfortunate too-with all Drug. What a calamity has here befallen my heart-she may thank herself—she might us! a good girl, and so well dispos'd, till the have been happy, had she been so dispos'd. evil communication of high life, and fashion- Drug. Why truly I think she might. able vices, turn'd her to folly.' [Exit.
Re-enter MRS. DRUGGET. Re-enter MRS. Drugger and DIMITY, with Mrs. D. I wish you'd moderate your anger LADY RACKET.
a litile - and let us talk over this affair with Lady R. A cruel, barbarous man! to quar- temper— my daughter denies every titule of rel in this unaccountable manner, to alarm your charge. the whole house, and expose me and bim- Sir C. Denies it! denies it! self too.
Mrs. D. She does indeed, Mrs. D. Oh, child! I never thought I would Sir C. And that aggravates her fault. bave come to this — your shame won't end Mrs. D. She vows you never found her out here! it will be all over St. James's parish by in any thing that was wrong. to-morrow morning.
Sir C. So! sbe does not allow it to be wrong Lady R. Well, if it must be so, there's one then!—Madam, I tell you again, I know her comfort, the story will tell more to his dis- thoroughly; I say, I have found her out, and grace than mine.
I am now acquainted with her character. Dim. As I'm a sinner, and so it will, ma- Mrs. D. Then you are in opposite storiesdam. He deserves what he has met with, I she swears, my dear Mr. Drugget, the poor think.
girl swears she never was guilty of the smallMrs. D. Dimity, don't you encourage her- est infidelity to her husband in her born days. you shock me to hear you speak so — I did Sir C. And what then?-What if she docs not think you had been so harden'd.
Lady R. Harden'd do you call it? - I have Mrs. D. And if she says truly, it is hard liv'd in the world to very little purpose, if such her character should be blown upon without trifles as these are to disturb my rest. ljust cause.
Mrs. D. You wicked girl!-Do you call it Sir C. And is she therefore to behave ill in a trifle to be guilty of falsehood to your husband. other respects? I never charg'd her with infi
Lady R. How! [Turns short and stares delity to me, madam—there I allow her innocent. at her] Well, I protest and vow I don't com- Drug. And did not you charge her then? prehend all this — has sir Charles accus'd me Sir C. No, sir, I never dreamt of such a of any impropriety in my conduct?
thing. Mrs. D. oh! tog true, he bas-he has found Drug. Why then, if she's innocent, let me you out, and you have behav'd basely, he says. tell you, you're a scandalous person. Lady R. Madam!
Mrs. D. Pr'yibee, my dearMrs. D. You have fallen into frailty, like Drug. Be quiet - though he is a man of many others of your sex, he says; and he is quality, I will tell him of it - did not I fine resolvd to come to a separation directly. for sheriff?— Yes, you are a scandalous person
Lady R. Why then, if he is so base a to defame an honest man's daughter. wretch as to dishono'ır me in that manner, Sir C. What have you taken into your his heart shall ache before I live with him again. head now?
Dim. Hold to that, ma'am, and let his head Drug. You charg'd her with falsehood to ache into the bargain.
Lady R. Then let your doors be open'd for Sir C. No-never-never. bim this very moment-let him return to Lon- Drug. But I say you
yourdon-if he does not, I'll lock myself up, and self a cuckold—did not he, wise? the false one shan't approach me, though he Mrs. D. Yes, lovey, I'm witness. beg on his knees at my very door - a base, Sir C. Absurd! I said no such thing. injurious man!
[Exit. Drug. But I aver you did. Mrs. D. Dimity, do let us follow, and hear Mrs. D. You did indeed, sir. wbat she has to say for herself. [Exit. Sir C. But I tell you no-positively no. Dim. She has excuse enough, I warrant Drug. Mrs. D. And I s
say yes-positively yes. her- What a noise is here indeed !-I have Sir Č. 'Sdeath, this is all madnessJi'd in polite families, where there was no Drug. You said she follow'd the ways of such bustle made about nothing. [Exit. most of her sex.
Sir C. I said soand what then ? Re-enter SIR CHARLES Racket and DRUGGET.
Drug. There he ownsit-owns that he calld Sir C. 'Tis in vain, sir; my resolution is himself a cuckold-and without rhyme or reataken
son into the bargain. Drug. Well, but consider, I am her father Sir C. I never own'd any such thing. -indulge me only till we hear what the girl Drug. You own'd it even has to say in her defence,
now - now
Re-enter Dimity, in a fit of Laughing. Sir C. Madam, it shall be my fault if ever
Dim. What do you think it was all about. I am treated so again - I'll bave nothing 10 ha, ha! the whole secret is come out, ha, ha!- say to her-[Going, stops] Does she give up It was all about a game of cards-ha, ha!- the point? Drug. A game of cards!
Mrs. D. She does, she agrees to any ibing. Dim. [Laughing] It was all about a club Sir C. Does she allow ibat the club was and a diamond.
[Runs out Laughing. the play? Drug. And was that all, sir Charles ? Mrs. D. Just as you please-she's all subSir C. And enough too, sir.
mission. Drug. And was that what you found her Sir C. Does she own that the club was not ont in?
the best in the house? Sir C. I can't bear to be contradicted when Mrs. D. She does-she does. I'm clear that I'm in the right.
Sir C. Then I'll step and speak to her - 1 Drug. I never heard such a heap of non- nerer was clearer in any thing in my life. sense in all my life. Why does not he go
. and beg her pardon, then ?
Mrs. D. Lord love 'em, they'll make it up Sir Č. I beg her pardon! I won't debase now - and then they'll be as happy myself to any of you - I shan't forgive ber,
. you may rest assur’d.
[Erit. Drug. Now there—there's a pretty fellow
Enter Drugger and LOVELACE.
Drug. So, Mr. Lovelace! any news from Mrs. D. I'll step, ard prevail on my lady above stairs? Is this absurd quarrei at an end Racket to speak to him—ihen all will be well. -Have they made it up?
Love. Oh! a mere bagatelle, sir—these little Drug A ridiculous fop! I'm glad it's no fracas among the better sort of people neter worse, however.
last long-elegant trifles cause elegant disputes,
and we come together elegantly again, as you Enter Nancy.
– for here they come, in perfect good So, Nancy-you seem in confusion, my girl! humour,
Nan. How can one help it?-With all this noise in the house, and you're going to marry
Re-enter Sir CHARLES Racker and Mrs. me as ill as my sister-I bate Mr. Lovelace. DRUGGET, with Lady Racket. Drug. Why so, child?
Sir C. Mr. Drugget, I embrace you; sir, Nan. I know these people of quality des- you see me now in the most perfect harmony pise us all out of pride, and would be glad of spirits. to marry us out of avarice.
Drug. What, all reconcil'd again? Drug. The girl's right.
Lady R. All made up, sir-I knew how lo Non. They, marry one woman, live with bring him to my lure - This is the first disanother, and love only themselves.
ference, I think, we ever had, sir Charles? Drug. And then quarrel about a card. Sir C. And I'll be sworn it shall be the last.
Nan. I don't want to be a gay lady-I want Drug. I am happy at last — Sir Charles, I to be happy
can spare you an image to put on the top Drug. And so you shall-don't fright your- of your house in London. self, child -- step to your sister, bid her make Sir C. Infinitely obliged to you. herself easy-go, and comfort her, go.
Drug. Well, well!-- It's time to relire now Nan. Yes, sir.
[Exit. -I am glad to see you reconciled—and now Drug. I'll step and settle the matter with I'll wish you a good night, sir Charles - Mr. Mr. Woodley this moment. [E.cit. Lovelace, this is your way-fare ye
well both Scene II. - Another Apartment.
-I am glad your. quarrels are at an end
This way, Mr. Lovelace. SIR CHARLES RACKET discovered with a Pack
[Exeunt Drugget, Mrs. Druggel, of Cards in his Hand.
and Lovelace. Sir C. Never was any, thing like her be- Lady R. Ah! you're a sad man, sir Charles, haviour–I can pick out the very cards I had to bebave to me as you have done. in my hand, and then 'tis as plain as the sun Sir C. My dear, I grant it- and such an there-now-there--no-damn it - no there absurd quarrel too-ba, ha! it was-now let's see—they had four by ho- Lady R. Yes-ha, ha!-about such a trifle. nours-and we play'd for ihe odd trick-dam- Sir C. It's pleasant how we could both fall nation!-honours were divided-ay! honours into such an error-ha, ha! were divided—and then a trump was led—and
Lady R. Ridiculous, beyond expressionthe other side had the-confusion !-this pre- ha, ha! posterous wonian has put it all out of my Sir C. And then the mistake your father and head —[Puts the Cards into his Pocket] motber fell into-ba, ba! Mighty well, madam; I have done with you. Lady R. That too is a diverting part of the
story-ha, ha!-But, sir Charles, must I stay Enter Mrs. DRUGGET.
and live with my father till ! Mrs D. Come, sir Charles, let me prevail-tastical as his own evergreens? Come with me and speak to her.
Sir C. No, no, pr'ythee-don't remind me Sir C. I don't desire to see her face. of my folly.
Mrs. D. If you were to see her all bath'd Lady R. Ah! my relations were all standing in tears, I am sure it would melt your very behind counters, selling Whitechapel needles
while your family were spending great estates.