Mrs. D. My dear, but why are you in such of girls; our tempers accord like unisons in a passion?

music.

Drug. I'll have the lavender pig, and the Drug. Ah! that's what makes me happy in Adam and Eve, and the dragon of Wantley, my old days; my children and my garden and all of 'em-and there shan't be a more are all my care. romantic spot on the London road than mine. Sir C. And my friend Lovelace-be is to Mrs. D. I'm sure it's as pretty as hands have our sister Nancy, I find. can make it.. Drug. Why my wife is so minded. Sir C. Oh, by all means, let her be made

Drug. I did it all myself, aud I'll do more -And Mr. Lovelace shan't have my daughter. happy-A very pretty fellow Lovelace-And Mrs. D. No! what's the matter now, Mr. Drugget?

Drug. He shall learn better manners than to abuse my house and gardens. You put him in the head of it, but I'll dissappoint ye both-And so you may go and tell Mr. Lovelace that the match is quite off.

Mrs. D. I can't comprehend all this, not I -but I'll tell him so, if you please, my dear -I am willing to give myself pain, if it will give you pleasure: must I give myself pain? -Don't ask me, pray don't-I don't like pain. Drug. I am resolv'd, and it shall be so. Mrs. D. Let it be so then. [Cries] Oh! oh! cruel man! I shall break my heart if the match is broke off-if it is not concluded to-morrow, send for an undertaker, and bury me the next day.

Drug. How! I don't want that neither-
Mrs. D. Oh! oh!-

Drug. I am your lord and master, my dear, but not your executioner - Before George, it must never be said that my wife died of too much compliance-Cheer up, my love-and this affair shall be settled as soon as sir Charles and lady Racket arrive.

Mrs. D. You bring me to life again-You know, my sweet, what an happy couple sir Charles and his lady are Why should not we make our Nancy as happy?

Re-enter DIMITY.

Dim. Sir Charles and his lady, ma'am. Mrs. D. Oh! charming! I'm transported with joy-Where are they? I long to see 'em! [Exit.

Dim. Well, sir; the couple are arriv'd. Drug. Yes, they do live happy indeed. Dim. But how long will it last? Drug. How long! don't forbode any ill, you jade - don't, I say-It will last during their lives, I hope.

Dim. Well, mark the end of it-Sir Charles, I know, is gay and good humour'd-but he can't bear the least contradiction, no, not in the merest trifle.

as to that Mr.Woodley I think you call
him-he is but a plain, underbred, ill-fashioned
sort of a-nobody knows him; he is not one
of us-Oh, by all means marry her to one
of us.
Drug. I believe it must be so-
-Would you
take any refreshment?

Sir C. Nothing in nature-it is time to re

tire.

Drug. Well, well! good night then, sir Charles-Ha! here comes my daughter-Good night, sir Charles.

Sir C. Bon repos.

Drug [Going out] My lady Racket, I'm glad to hear how happy you are, I won't detain you now-there's your good man waiting for you-good night, my girl. [Exit.

Sir C. I must humour this old putt, in order to be remember'd in his will.

Enter LADY RACKET. Lady R. O la!-I'm quite fatigu'd-I can hardly move-why don't you help me, you barbarous man?

- Was ever

Sir C. There, take my armthing so pretty made to walk? Lady R. But I won't be laugh'd at-I don't love you.

Sir C. Don't you?

Lady R. No. Dear me! this glove! why don't you help me off with my glove? pshaw! -You awkward thing, let it alone; you an fit to be about me, I might as well not be married, for any use you are of-reach me a chair-you have no compassion for me--I am so glad to sit down-why do you drag me to routs?-You know I hate 'em.

Sir C. Oh! there's no existing, no breathing, unless one does as other people of fashion do. Lady R. But I'm out of humour; I lost all my money.

Sir C. How much.

Lady R. Three hundred.

Sir C. Never fret for that--I don't value three hundred pounds to contribute to your happiness.

Lady R. Don't you?—Not value three hundred pounds to please me?

But I hate

Drug. Hold your tongue-hold your tongue. Dim. Yes, sir, I have done-and yet there is in the composition of sir Charles a certain Sir C. You know I don't. humour, which, like the flying gout, gives no Lady R. Ah! you fond fool! disturbance to the family till it setiles in the gaming-It almost metamorphoses a woman head-When once it fixes there, mercy on into a fury-Do you know that I was frighevery body about him! but here he comes. tened at myself several times to-night-1 bad [Exit. an huge oath at the very tip of my tongue. Sir C. Had ye?

Enter SIR CHARLES RACKET. Lady R. I caught myself at it-and so I Sir C. My dear sir, I kiss your hand-but bit my lips-and then I was cramm'd up in why stand on ceremony? To find you up a corner of the room with such a strange thus late, mortifies me beyond expression. party at a whist-table, looking at black and Drug. Tis but once in a way, sir Charles. red spots-did you mind 'em? Sir C. My obligations to you are inexpressible; you have given me the most amiable

Sir C. You know I was busy elsewhere.
Lady R. There was that strange, unaccount-

Lady . Well, sir! ha, ha, ha!

able woman, Mrs. Nightshade-She behav'd it's the clearest case in the world, I'll make it so strangely to her husband, a poor, inoffen- plain in a moment. sive, good-natur'd, good sort of a good-fornothing kind of man-but she so te az'd him "How could you play that card? Ah, you've a head, and so has a pin-You're a numscull, you know you are-Ma'am, he has the poorest head in the world, he does not know what he is about; you know you don't—Ah, fie! I'm asham'd of you!"

I see.

[With a sneering Laugh. Sir C. I had four cards left-a trump was led-they were six-no, no, no, they were seven, and we nine-then, you know-the beauty of the play was to—

Lady R. Well, now it's amazing to me, that you can't see it give me leave, sir Sir C. She has serv'd to divert you, Charles-your left hand adversary had led Lady R. And then, to crown all-there was his last trump-and he had before finess'd my lady Clackit, who runs on with an eter- the club, and rough'd the diamond-now if nal volubility of nothing, out of all season, you had put on your diamond

Lady R. And sure the play for the odd

Sir C. Death and fury! can't you hear me?
Lady R. Go on, sir.

Sir C. Zoons! hear me, I say-Will you hear me?

time, and place-In the very midst of the Sir C. Zoons! madam, but we play'd for game she begins-"Lard, ma'am, I was ap- the odd trick. prehensive I should not be able to wait on your la'ship-my poor little dog, Pompey-trickthe sweetest thing in the world—a spade led! -there's the knave I was fetching a walk, me'm, the other morning in the Park-a fine frosty morning it was-I love frosty weather of all things-let me look at the last trick- Lady R. I never heard the like in my life. and so, me'm, little Pompey-and if your la'- [Hums a Tune, and walks about fretfully. ship was to see the dear creature pinch'd Sir C. Why then you are enough to prowith the frost, and mincing his steps along voke the patience of a stoic. [Looks at her; the Mall with his pretty, little, innocent face she walks about, and laughs uneasily]Very -I vow I don't know what to play-and so, well, madam-you know no more of the game me'em, while I was talking to captain Flim- than your father's leaden Hercules on the top sey-your la'ship knows captain Flimsey- of the house-you know no more of whist nothing but rubbish in my hand-I can't help than he does of gardening. it1)-and so, me'm, five odious frights of dogs Lady R. Ha, ha, ha! beset my poor little Pompey-the dear creature has the heart of a lion, but who can resist five at once?-And so Pompey barked for assistance the hurt he received was upon his chest-the doctor would not advise him Sir C. Madam, it shall be as I please-I'll to venture out till the wound is heal'd, for order my chariot this moment. [Going] I fear of an inflammation-Pray what's trumps?" know how the cards should be play'd as well Sir C, My dear, you'd make a most excel- as any man in England, that let me tell you. lent actress. [Going] And when your family were standLady R. Well, now let's go to rest-but, ing behind counters, measuring out tape, and sir Charles, how shockingly you play'd that bartering for Whitechapel needles, my anlast rubber, when I stood looking over you! cestors, my ancestors, madam, were squanSir C. My love, I play'd the truth of the game. dering away whole estates at cards; whole Lady R. No, indeed, my dear, you play'd estates, my lady Racket. [She hums a Tune, it wrong. and he looks at her] Why then, by all that's dear to me, I'll never exchange another word with you, good, bad, or indifferent-Lookye, allowed my lady Racket-thus it stood-the trump being led, it was then my business. —

Sir C. Po! nonsense! you don't stand it.

Lady R. I beg your pardon, I'm to play better than you.

under

Sir G. All conceit, my dear; I was perfectly right.

Lady R. No such thing, sir Charles; the diamond was the play.

Sir C. Po! po! ridiculous! the club was the card, against the world.

Lady R. Oh! no, no, no, I say it was the diamond.

Sir C. Zounds! madam, I say it was the club. Lady R. What do you fly into such a passion for?

Sir C. 'Sdeath and fury! do you think I don't know what I'm about? I tell you once more the club was the judgment of it. Lady R. May be so-have it your own way, [Walks about and sings. Sir C. Vexation you're the strangest woman that ever liv'd; there's no conversing with you-Look'ye here, my lady Racket1) This is said in reply to a look of astonis ment from ber partner at her playing such bad cards.

[Takes out a Glass, and settles her Hair. Sir C. You're a vile woman, and I'll not sleep another night under one roof with you. Lady R. As you please, sir.

Lady R. To play the diamond, to be sure. Sir C. Damn it, I have done with you for ever, and so you may tell your father. [Exit. Lady R. What a passion the gentleman's in! ha, ha! [Laughs in a peevish Manner] promise him I'll not give up my judgment.

I

Re-enter SIR CHARLES RACKET.

Sir C. My lady Racket, lookye, ma'am― once more, out of pure good nature

Lady R. Sir, I am convinc'd of your good nature.

Sir C. That, and that only, prevails with me to tell you the club was the play.

Lady R. Well, be it so-I have no objection.

Sir C. It's the clearest point in the world --we were nine, and

Lady R. And for that very reason- - you know the club was the best in the house.

Sir C. There is no such thing as talking to

you-You're a base woman-I'll part from you to disturb the serenity of my temper-Don't for ever; you may live here with your father, imagine that I'm in a passion-I'm not so easily and admire his fantastical evergreens, till you ruffled as you may imagine-But quietly and grow as fantastical yourself—I'll set out for deliberately I can repay the injuries done me London this instant-[Stops at the Door] by a false, ungrateful, deceitful wife. The club was not the best in the house. Drug. The injuries done you by a false, Lady R. How calm you are! Well!-I'll ungrateful wife! My daughter, I hopego to bed-will you come? -You bad better Sir C. Her character is now fully known to -come then-you shall come to bed-not me-she's a vile woman! that's all I have to come to bed when I ask you!-Poor sir Char-say, sir. les! [Looks and laughs; then exit. Drug. Hey! how!· -a vile woman— Sir C. That ease is provoking. [Crosses to has she done-I hope she is not capablethe opposite Door where she went out] [ Sir C. I shall enter into no detail, Mr. tell you the diamond was not the play, and Drugget; the time and circumstances won't I here take my final leave of you. [Walks allow it a present-But depend upon it I have back as fast as he can] I am resolv'd upon done with her-a low, unpolish'd, uneducated, it, and I know the club was not the best in false, imposing-See if the horses are put to. the house. [Exit. Drug. Mercy on me! in my old days to hear this.

ACT II.
SCENE I.

Enter DIMITY.

as

Enter MRS. DRUGGET.

-what

Mrs. D. Deliver me! I am all over in such

Dim. Ha, ha, ha! oh, heavens! I shall ex-a tremble-Sir Charles, I shall break my heart pire in a fit of laughing-this is the modish if there's any thing amisscouple that were so happy-such a quarrel Sir C. Madam, I am very sorry, for your they have had the whole house is in an sake-but there is no possibility of living uproar-ha, ha! a rare proof of the happiness with her. they enjoy in high life. I shall never hear people of fashion mentioned again but I shall be ready to die in a fit of laughter-ho, ho, ho! this is three weeks after marriage, I think.

Enter DRUGget.

Mrs. D. My poor dear girl! What can she have done?

Sir C. What all her sex can do; the very spirit of them all.

Drug. Ay, ay, ay!-She's bringing foul disgrace upon usThis comes of her marrying Drug. Hey! how! what's the matter, Di-a man of fashion. mity? What am I call'd down stairs for? Sir C. Fashion, sir!—that should have inDim. Why, there's two people of fashion-structed her better-she might have been sen[Stifles a laugh. sible of her happiness - Whatever you may Drug. Why, you saucy minx!-Explain this think of the fortune you gave her, my rank in life claims respect - claims obedience, at

moment.

Dim. The fond couple have been together tention, truth, and love, from one raised in the by the ears this half hour Are you satis-world, as she has been by an alliance with me. fied now? Drug. And let me tell you, however you Drug. Ay!-what, have they quarrell'd may estimate your quality, my daughter is what was it about?

Dim. Something above my comprehension, and yours too, I believe - People in high life understand their own forms best And here comes one that can unriddle the whole affair.

Enter SIR CHARLES RACKET.

[Exit.

dear to me.

Sir C. And, sir, my character is dear to me. Drug. Yet you must give me leave to tell you—

Sir C. I won't hear a word.

Drug. Not in behalf of my own daughter? Sir C. Nothing can excuse her- 'tis to no purpose she has married above her; and if Sir C. [To the People within] I say let that circumstance makes the lady forget herthe horses be put to this moment-So, Mr. Drugget.

Drug. Sir Charles, here's a terrible bustleI did not expect this-what can be the matter? Sir C. I have been us'd by your daughter in so base, so contemptuous a manner, that II am determined not to stay in this house tonight.

self, she at least shall see that I can, and will
support my own dignity.

Drug. But, sir, I have a right to ask-
Mrs. D. Patience, my dear; be a little calm.
Drug. Mrs. Drugget, do you have patience;
must and will inquire.

Mrs. D. Don't be so hasty, my love; have some respect for sir Charles's rank; don't be Drug. This is a thunderbolt to me! After violent with a man of his fashion. seeing how elegantly and fashionably you liv'd Drug. Hold your tongue, woman, I saytogether, to find now all sunshine vanish'd-you're not a person of fashion at least-My Do, sir Charles, let me heal this breach, if daughter was ever a good girl.

possible.

Sir C. Sir, 'tis impossible-I'll not live with her a day longer.

Sir C. I have found her out.

Drug. Oh! then it is all over-and it does not signify arguing about it.

Mrs. D. That ever I should live to see this

Drug. Nay, nay, don't be over hasty-let me entreat you, go to bed and sleep upon it-hour! how the unfortunate girl could take in the morning, when you're coolsuch wickedness in her head, I can't imagine Sir C. Oh, sir, I am very cool, I assure--I'll go and speak to the unhappy ha, ha!—it is not in her power, sir, to—a—a this moment.

creature

[Exit.

Sir C. She stands detected now-detected in her truest colours.

Sir C. She can have nothing to say-no excuse can palliate such behaviour. Drug. Don't be too positive-there may be some mistake.

Sir C. No mistake-did not I sce her, hear

Drug. Well, grievous as it may be, let me hear the circumstances of this unhappy business. Sir C. Mr. Drugget, I have not leisure now -but her behaviour has been so exasperating, her myself? that I shall make the best of my way to town -My mind is fixed - She sees me no more; nate man! and so, your servant, sir.

Drug. Lack-a-day! then I am an unfortu[Exit. Sir C. She will be unfortunate too-with all Drug. What a calamity has here befallen my heart-she may thank herself-she might us! a good girl, and so well dispos'd, till the have been happy, had she been so dispos'd. evil communication of high life, and fashion- Drug. Why truly I think she might. able vices, turn'd her to folly.

[Exit.

Re-enter MRS. DRUGGET. Re-enter MRS. DRUGGET and DIMITY, with Mrs. D. I wish you'd moderate your anger LADY RACKET. a little and let us talk over this affair with Lady R. A cruel, barbarous man! to quar-temper - my daughter denies every title of rel in this unaccountable manner, to alarm your charge. the whole house, and expose me and himself too.

Mrs. D. Oh, child! I never thought I would have come to this your shame won't end here! it will be all over St. James's parish by in to-morrow morning.

Sir C. Denies it! denies it!
Mrs. D. She does indeed.

Sir C. And that aggravates her fault.
Mrs. D. She vows you never found her out
any thing that was wrong.

Sir C. So! she does not allow it to be wrong Lady R. Well, if it must be so, there's one then!-Madam, I tell you again, I know her comfort, the story will tell more to his dis- thoroughly; I say, I have found her out, and grace than mine. I am now acquainted with her character. Dim. As I'm a sinner, and so it will, ma- Mrs. D. Then you are in opposite storiesdam. He deserves what he has met with, I she swears, my dear Mr. Drugget, the poor think. girl swears she never was guilty of the smallMrs. D. Dimity, don't you encourage her- est infidelity to her husband in her born days. you shock me to hear you speak so I did Sir C. And what then?-What if she does not think you had been so harden'd. say so?

Lady R. Harden'd do you call it? I have Mrs. D. And if she says truly, it is hard liv'd in the world to very little purpose, if such her character should be blown upon without trifles as these are to disturb my rest. just cause.

Mrs. D. You wicked girl!-Do you call it a trifle to be guilty of falsehood to your husband. Lady R. How! [Turns short and stares at her] Well, I protest and vow I don't comprehend all this has sir Charles accus'd me of any impropriety in my conduct?

Mrs. D. Oh! too true, he bas-he has found you out, and you have behav'd basely, he says. Lady R. Madam!

Mrs. D. You have fallen into frailty, like many others of your sex, he says; and he is resolv'd to come to a separation directly.

Sir C. And is she therefore to behave ill in other respects? I never charg'd her with infidelity to me, madam-there I allow her innocent. Drug. And did not you charge her then? Sir C. No, sir, I never dreamt of such a thing.

Drug. Why then, if she's innocent, let me tell you, you're a scandalous person. Mrs. D. Pr'ythee, my dear

Drug. Be quiet-though he is a man of quality, I will tell him of it- did not I fine for sheriff?-Yes, you are a scandalous person Lady R. Why then, if he is so base ato defame an honest man's daughter. wretch as to dishonor me in that manner, Sir C. What have you taken into your his heart shall ache before I live with him again. head now? Dim. Hold to that, ma'am, and let his head

ache into the bargain.

Drug. You charg'd her with falsehood to

your bed.

Lady R. Then let your doors be open'd for him this very moment-let him return to London-if he does not, I'll lock myself up, and self a cuckold-did not he, wife? the false one shan't approach me, though he beg on his knees at my very door- a base, injurious man! [Exit.

Sir C. No-never-never.

Drug. But I say you did-you call'd your

Mrs. D. Dimity, do let us follow, and hear what she has to say for herself. [Exit.

Dim. She has excuse enough, I warrant her-What a noise is here indeed!-I have liv'd in polite families, where there was no such bustle made about nothing. [Exit. Re-enter SIR CHARLES RACKET and Drugget. Sir C. Tis in vain, sir; my resolution is taken

Drug. Well, but consider, I am her father -indulge me only till we hear what the girl has to say in her defence.

Mrs. D. Yes, lovey, I'm witness.
Sir C. Absurd! I said no such thing.
Drug. But I aver you did.
Mrs. D. You did indeed, sir.
Sir C. But I tell you no-positively no.
Drug. Mrs. D. And I say yes-positively yes.
Sir C. 'Sdeath, this is all madness
Drug. You said she follow'd the ways of
most of her sex.

Sir C. I said so-and what then?
Drug. There he owns it-owns that he call'd
himself a cuckold-and without rhyme or rea-
son into the bargain.

Sir C. I never own'd any such thing.
Drug. You own'd it even now now -

now-now.

Re-enter DIMITY, in a fit of Laughing.

Sir C. Madam, it shall be my fault if ever Dim. What do you think it was all about-I am treated so again - I'll have nothing to ha, ha! the whole secret is come out, ha, ha!- say to her-[Going, stops] Does she give up It was all about a game of cards-ha, ha!- the point? Drug. A game of cards! Mrs. D. She does, she agrees to any thing. Sir C. Does she allow that the club was

Dim. [Laughing] It was all about a club and a diamond. [Runs out Laughing. the play? Drug. And was that all, sir Charles? Sir C. And enough too, sir. Drug. And was that what you found her out in?

Sir C. I can't bear to be contradicted when I'm clear that I'm in the right.

Mrs. D. Just as you please-she's all submission.

Sir C. Does she own that the club was not the best in the house?

Mrs. D. She does-she does.

Sir C. Then I'll step and speak to her-I

Drug. I never heard such a heap of non-never was clearer in any thing in my life. sense in all my life. Why does not he go and beg her pardon, then?

Exit. Mrs. D. Lord love 'em, they'll make it up and then they'll be as happy as ever.

Sir C. I beg her pardon! I won't debase now myself to any of you I shan't forgive her, you may rest assur'd.

[Exit.

Drug. Now there-there's a pretty fellow

for you.

Enter DRUGGET and LOVELACE.

[Exit.

Drug. So, Mr. Lovelace! any news from Mrs. D. I'll step and prevail on my lady above stairs? Is this absurd quarrel at an end Racket to speak to him-then all will be well.-Have they made it up? [Exit. Love. Oh! a mere bagatelle, sir-these little Drug. A ridiculous fop! I'm glad it's no fracas among the better sort of people never worse, however,

Nan. They marry one woman, live with another, and love only themselves.

Drug. And then quarrel about a card. Nan. I don't want to be a gay lady-I want to be happy.

last long-elegant trifles cause elegant disputes,
and we come together elegantly again-as you
see for here they come, in perfect good
humour.

Re-enter SIR CHARLES RACKET and MRS.
DRUGGET, with LADY RACKET.

Sir C. Mr. Drugget, I embrace you; sir, you see me now in the most perfect harmony of spirits.

Drug. What, all reconcil'd again?

Lady R. All made up, sir-I knew how to bring him to my lureThis is the first difference, I think, we ever had, sir Charles?

Sir C. And I'll be sworn it shall be the last. Drug. I am happy at last-Sir Charles, I can spare you an image to put on the top Drug. And so you shall-don't fright your-of your house in London. self, child-step to your sister, bid her make herself easy-go, and comfort her, go.

Nan. Yes, sir.

Sir C. Infinitely obliged to you. Drug. Well, well!-It's time to retire now [Exit. I am glad to see you reconciled-and now Drug. I'll step and settle the matter with I'll wish you a good night, sir Charles — Mr. Mr. Woodley this moment. [Exit. Lovelace, this is your way-fare ye well both -I am glad your quarrels are at an endThis way, Mr. Lovelace.

SCENE IL-Another Apartment. SIR CHARLES RACKET discovered with a Pack of Cards in his Hand.

[Exeunt Drugget, Mrs. Druggel, and Lovelace.

Lady R. Ah! you're a sad man, sir Charles,

Sir C. Never was any thing like her behaviour-I can pick out the very cards I had to behave to me as you have done.

in my hand, and then 'tis as plain as the sunthere-now-there-no-damn it- -no -there it was-now let's see-they had four by honours-and we play'd for the odd trick-dam

Sir C. My dear, I grant it— and such an absurd quarrel too-ha, ha!

Lady R. Yes-ha, ha!-about such a trifle. Sir C. It's pleasant how we could both fall nation!-honours were divided-ay! honours into such an error-ha, ha!

were divided-and then a trump was led-and Lady R. Ridiculous, beyond expression— the other side had the-confusion!-this pre- ha, ha!

posterous woman has put it all out of my Sir C. And then the mistake your father and head-[Puts the Cards into his Pocket] mother fell into-ha, ha! Mighty well, madam; I have done with you. Enter MRS. Drugget.

Mrs D. Come, sir Charles, let me Come with me and speak to her.

Lady R. That too is a diverting part of the story-ha, ha!-But, sir Charles, must 1 stay and live with my father till I grow as fanprevail-tastical as his own evergreens?

Sir C. No, no, pr'ythee-don't remind me of my folly.

Sir C. I don't desire to see her face. Mrs. D. If you were to see her all bath'd Lady R. Ah! my relations were all standing in tears, I am sure it would melt your very behind counters, selling Whitechapel needles,

heart.

while your family were spending great estates,