going to write to you on a little matter of business. Jack, I have been considering that grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long. Abs. But my vows are pledged to her. Sir Anth. Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose; they are not worth redeeming; besides, you have the angel's vows in exchange, Abs. Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look I suppose; so there can be no loss there. more strong and hearty; and I pray frequent- Abs. You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, ly that you may continue so. once for all, that in this point I cannot obey Sir Anth. I hope your prayers may be you. heard, with all my heart. Well then, Jack, Sir Anth. Hark'ee, Jack; -1 have heard I have been considering that I am so strong you for some time with patience—I have been and hearty, I may continue to plague you a cool-quite cool; but take care-you know I long time. Now, Jack, I am sensible that the am compliance itself-when I am not thwartincome of your commission, and what I have ed;-no one more easily led-when I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance my own way;-but don't put me in a phrensy. for a lad of your spirit. Abs. Sir, I must repeat it—in this I cannot obey you. Abs. Sir, you are very good. Sir Anth. And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble independence. Sir Anth. Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live! Abs. Nay, sir, but hear me, Sir Anth. Sir, I won't hear a word—not a Abs. Sir, your kindness overpowers me-word! not one word! so give me your prosuch generosity makes the gratitude of reason mise by a nod - and I'll tell you what, Jack more lively than the sensations even of filial-I mean, you dog-if you don't by— Abs. What, sir, promise to link myself to affection. Sir Anth. I am glad you are so sensible of some mass of ugliness! toattention-and my shall be master of a you Sir Anth. Zounds! sirrah! the lady shall be large estate in a few weeks. as ugly as I choose! she shall have a hump Abs. Let my future life, sir, speak my gra- on each shoulder, she shall be as crooked as titude; I cannot express the sense I have of the Crescent; her one eye shall roll like your munificence.-Yet, sir, I presume you the bull's in Cox's Museum; she shall have would not wish me to quit the army? a skin like a mummy, and the beard of a Jew she shall be all this, sirrah!-yet will make you ogle her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty. Sir Anth. O, that shall be as your wife chooses. Sir Anth. Ay, ay, settle that between you --settle that between you. Abs. A wife, sir, did you say? I Abs. This is reason and moderation indeed! Sir Anth. Ay, a wife-why, did not I men- no grinning, jackanapes! tion her before? Abs. Not a word of her, sir. Sir Anth. Odd so!-I mustn't forget her though. Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by a marriage-the fortune is saddled with a wife but I suppose that makes no difference. - Abs. Sir! Sir-you amaze me! Sir Anth. Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all gratitude and duty. Abs. I was, sir,-you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word of a wife. Sir Anth. Why-what difference does that make? Odds life, sir! if you have the estate, you must take it with the live stock on it, as it stands. Abs. If my happiness is to be the price, must beg leave to decline the purchase. Pray, sir, who is the lady? Sir Anth. What's that to you, sir?-Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry her directly. Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life. Sir Anth. 'Tis false, sir, I know you are laughing in your sleeve; I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah! Abs. Sir, I hope I know my duty better. Sir Anth. None of your passion, sir! none of your violence; if you please-It won't do with me, I promise you. Abs. Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir Anth. "Tis a confounded lie!-I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. Abs. Nay, sir, upon my word. Sir Anth. So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can passion do?-Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate!-There you sneer again!-don't provoke me! but you rely upon the mildness of my temper-you do, you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition! Yet take care Abs. Sure, sir, this is not very reasonable, the patience of a saint may be overcome to summon my affections for a lady I know at last!-but mark! I give you six hours and nothing of! a half to consider of this: if you then agree, Sir Anth. I am sure, sir, 'tis more unrea- without any condition, to do every thing on sonable in you to object to a lady you know earth that I choose, why-confound you! I nothing of. may in time forgive you-If not, zounds! don't Abs. Then, sir, I must tell you plainly, enter the same hemisphere with me! don't that my inclinations are fixed on another-dare to breathe the same air, or use the same my heart is engaged to an angel. light with me; but get an atmosphere and a Sir Anth. Then pray let it send an excuse. sun of your own! I'll strip you of your com-It is very sorry-but business prevents its mission; I'll lodge afive-and-threepence in the waiting on her. hands of trustees, and you shall live on the you; interest. I'll disown you, I'll disinherit you, my conscience, I have been looking for I'll unget you! and damn me! if ever I call I have been on the South Parade this half you Jack again! [Exit Sir Anthony. hour. Lucy. [Speaking simply] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here ABSOLUTE Solus. Abs. Mild, gentle, considerate father-I kiss on the North. your hands. What a tender method of giv- Sir Luc. Faith! may be, that was the reaing his opinion in these matters Sir Anthony son we did not meet; and it is very comical has! I dare not trust him with the truth.-I too, how you could go out and I not see you wonder what old wealthy hag it is that he -for I was only taking a nap at the Parade wants to bestow on me!-yet he married Coffeehouse, and I chose the window on purhimself for love! and was in his youth a bold pose that I might not miss you. intriguer, and a gay companion! Enter FAG. Lucy. My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep. Sir Luc. Sure enough it must have been so and I never dreamt it was so late, till [ waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me? Lucy. Yes, but I have-I've got a letter for you in my pocket. Sir Luc. O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed-well-let me see what the dear creature says. Fag. Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes down stairs eight or ten steps at a time-muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all the way: I and the cook's dog stand bowing at the door-rap! he gives me a stroke on the head with his cane; bids me carry that to my master; then kicking the poor turnspit into the area, damns us all, for a puppy triumvirate! - Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and found [Gives him a letter. my father such very bad company, I should Sir Luc. [Reads] "Sir-there is often a certainly drop his acquaintance. sudden incentive impulse in love, that has Abs. Cease your impertinence, sir, at pre- a greater induction) than years of dosent. Did you come in for nothing more?—mestic combination: such was the commoStand out of the way! tion2) I felt at the first superfluous3) view FAG solus. Lucy. There, Sir Lucius. [Pushes him aside, and exit. of Sir Lucius O'Trigger."-Very pretty, upon my word.-"Female punctuation*) forbids me to say more; yet let me add, that it Fag. Soh! Sir Anthony trims my master: will give me joy infallible 5) to find Sir he is afraid to reply to his father-then vents Lucius worthy the last criterion of my afhis spleen on poor Fag!-When one is vexed fections). by one person, to revenge one's self on ano- Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a ther, who happens to come in the way, is the great mistress of language. Faith, she's quite vilest injustice! Ah! it shows the worst tem- the queen of the dictionary!—for the devil a per-the basest Enter ERRAND BOY. Boy. Mr. Fag! Mr. Fag! your master calls you. Fag. Well! you little dirty puppy, you need not bawl so!-The meanest disposition! the DELIA." word dare refuse coming at her call-though one would think it was quite out of hearing. Lucy. Ay, sir, a lady of her experience. Sir Luc. Experience? what, at seventeen? Lucy. O true, sir-but then she reads so my stars! how she will read off hand! Sir Luc. Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way though she is Boy. Quick, quick, Mr. Fag. rather an arbitrary writer too-for here are Fag. Quick! quick! you impudent jackan- a great many poor words pressed into the apes! am I to be commanded by you too? service of this note, that would get their you little, impertinent, insolent, kitchen-bred-habeas corpus from any court in Christen[Exit kicking and beating him. dom. SCENE II.-The NORTH Parade. Enter LUCY. Lucy. Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you! Sir Luc. O tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger Lucy. So-I shall have another rival to add into the bargain!-But we must get the old to my mistress's list-Captain Absolute. How-gentlewoman's consent-and do every thing ever, I shall not enter his name till my purse fairly. has received notice in form. Poor Acres is Lucy. Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you dismissed!--Well, I have done him a last wa'n't rich enough to be so nice! friendly office, in letting him know that Be- Sir Luc. Upon my word, young woman, verley was here before him.-Sir Lucius is you have hit it:-I am so poor, that I can't generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Delia, as he calls her I wonder he's not here!-I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress. Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIgger. afford to do a dirty action.-If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure.—However, 1) Seduction 2) Emotion. 3) Superficial. 4) Panctila. 5) Ineffable. 6) This word has no business here; but it 1s not easy to hit upon any one sounding somethi like it with a meaning any way suitable. Our readers will observe that Mrs. Malaprop knows a great may hard words; but has not a very correct ear in af plying them. [Steps aside. Enter SIR ANTHONY. my pretty girl [Gives her money], here's a very sincere.-So, so,-here he comes.-He little something to buy you a riband; and looks plaguy gruff. meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand, to put you in mind. [Kisses her. Sir Anth, No-I'll die sooner than forgive Lucy. O fud! Sir Lucius-I never seed him.-Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years such a gemman! My lady won't like you if to plague him.-At our last meeting, his imyou're so impudent. pudence had almost put me out of temper. Sir Luc. Faith, she will, Lucy-that same-An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy!— pho! what's the name of it?-Modesty!-is a Who can he take after? This is my return quality in a lover more praised by the wo- for getting him before all his brothers and men than liked; so, if your mistress asks you sisters!-for putting him, at twelve years old, whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifher fifty-my dear. ty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! a lie? Lucy. What, would you have me tell her -But I have done with him;-he's any body's son for me.-I never will see him more,never-never-never--never. Sir Luc. Ah then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently. Lucy. For shame now; here is some one Fag. So, so, ma'am. I humbly beg pardon. one so. Fag. Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by -so a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please.-You play false with us, madam.-I saw you give the baronet a letter.-My master shall know this -and if he don't call him out, I will. Lucy. Ha! ha ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty.-That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton.-She is taken with Sir Lucius's address. Fag. How! what tastes some people have! Why, I suppose I have walked by her window an hundred times.-But what says our young lady? Any message to my master? Lucy. Sad news! Mr. Fag.--A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son. Fag. What, Captain Absolute? Lucy. Well, you may laugh-but it is true, I assure you [Going] But Mr. Fag-tell your master not to be cast down by this. Fag. O, he'll be so disconsolate! Abs. Now for a penitential face. Abs. A sincere penitent.-I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will. Sir Anth. What's that? Abs. I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me. Sir Anth. Well, sir? Abs. I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority. Sir Anth. Well, puppy! ? Abs. Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction. Sir Anth. Why now you talk sense-absolute sense-I never heard any thing more sensible in my life.--Confound you! you shall be Jack again. Abs. I am happy in the appellation. Sir Anth. Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is.--Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture -prepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish? Abs. Languish? What, the Languishes of Worcestershire? Sir Anth. Worcestershire! No. Did you Lucy. And charge him not to think of never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece, quarrelling with young Absolute. Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment? Fag. Never fear! never fear! [Exeunt severally. ACT III. SCENE I.-The NORTH PARADE. Enter ABSOLUTE. Abs. Tis just as Fag told me, indeed.—| Abs. Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay-I think I do recollect something.-Languish! Languish! She squints, do'n't she?A little red-haired girl? Sir Anth. Squints! A red-haired girl!-Zounds! no. Abs. Then I must have forgot; it can't be Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants the same person. to force me to marry the very girl I am Sir Anth. Jack! Jack! what think you of plotting to run away with! He must not know blooming, love-breathing seventeen? of my connexion with her yet awhile.-He Abs. As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. has too summary a method of proceeding in-If I can please you in the matter, "tis all I these matters. However, I'll read my recan- desire. tation instantly. My conversion is something Sir Anih. Nay, but, Jack, such eyes! such sudden, indeed-but I can assure him it is eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irre [Exeunt. SCENE II.-JULIA'S Dressing-room. FAULKLAND solus. so'ute! Not a glance but speaks and kindles rapture and impatience-if you don't, egad, some thought of love-Then, Jack, her cheeks! I'll marry the girl myself! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes!-Then, Jack, her lips! O Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly Faulk. They told me Julia would return pouting; more lovely in sullenness! directly; I wonder she is not yet come!Abs. That's she indeed. Well done, old How mean does this captious, unsatisfied gentleman! temper of mine appear to my cooler judgment! point;-but on this one subject, and to this Abs. And which is to be mine, sir, the one subject, whom I think I love beyond my niece or the aunt? life, I am ever ungenerously fretful and madSir Anth. Why, you unfeeling, insensible ly capricious!-1 am conscious of it-yet l puppy, I despise you. When I was of your cannot correct myself! What tender honest age, such a description would have made me joy sparkled in her eyes when we met!— fly like a rocket! The aunt, indeed!-Odds How delicate was the warmth of her expreslife! when I ran away with your mother, I sions!-I was ashamed to appear less happy would not have touched any thing old or ugly though I had come resolved to wear a face to gain an empire. of coolness and upbraiding. Sir Anthony's Abs. Not to please your father, sir? presence prevented my proposed expostulaSir Anth. To please my father!-Zounds! tions:-yet I must be satisfied that she has not to please-Oh, my father-Odd so!-yes not been so very happy in my absence.-Ste -yes; if my father indeed had desired-that's is coming!-Yes!-I know the nimbleness of quite another matter.-Though he wa'n't the her tread, when she thinks her impatient indulgent father that I am, Jack. Faulkland counts the moments of her stay. Sir Anth. Then, Jack, her neck!--O Jack! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other Jack! Abs. I dare say not, sir. Sir Anth. But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful? Enter JULIA. Julia. I had not hoped to see you again Abs. Sir, I repeat it-if I please you in so soon. this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think Faulk. Could I, Julia, be contented with a woman the worse for being handsome; but, my first welcome-restrained as we were by sir, if you please to recollect, you before hint- the presence of a third person? ed something about a hump or two, one eye, Julia. O Faulkland, when your kindness and a few more graces of that kind-now, can make me thus happy, let me not think without being very nice, I own I should ra- that I discovered something of coldness in ther choose a wife of mine to have the usual your first salutation. number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back; and though one eye may be yery agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article. Faulk. 'Twas but your fancy, Julia.-I was rejoiced to see you-to see you in such health Sure I had no cause for coldness? Julia. Nay then, I see you have taken something ill. You must not conceal from me what it is. Sir Anth. What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you're an anchorite!-a vile, Faulk. Well, then-shall I own to you insensible stock. You a soldier!-you're a that my joy at hearing of your health and walking block, fit only to dust the company's arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was regimentals on!-Odds life! I've a great mind somewhat damped by his dwelling much on to marry the girl myself! the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devon me that Abs. I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if shire-on your mirth--your singing-dancing, you should think of addressing Miss Languish and I know not what!-For such is my temyourself, I suppose you would have me marry per, Julia, that I should regard every mirththe aunt; or if you should change your ful moment in your absence as a treason to mind, and take the old lady-'tis the same to constancy:-The mutual tear that steals down -I'll marry the niece. the cheek of parting lovers is a compact, Sir Anth. Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt no smile shall live there till they meet again. either a very great hypocrite, or-but, come, Julia. Must I never cease to tax my Faulk I know your indifference on such a subject land with this teasing minute caprice?-Can must be all a lie-I'm sure it must-come, the idle reports of a silly boor weigh in your now-damn your demure face!-come, con- breast against my tried affection? fess, Jack-you have been lying-ha'n't you? Faulk. They have no weight with me, JuYou have been playing the hypocrite, hey!-lia: No, no-I am happy if you have been so I'll never forgive you, if you ha'n't been lying-yet only say, that you did not sing with and playing the hypocrite mirth-say that you thought of Faulkland in Abs. I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and the dance. duty which I bear to you should he so mistaken. Julia. I never can be happy in ab your sence.-If I wear a countenance of content, Sir Anth. Hong your respect and duty! it is to show that my mind holds no doubt But come along with me, I'll write a note to of my Faulkland's truth.-If I seemed sad, it Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady were to make malice triumph; and directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean I had fixed my heart on one, who left me to torch to you, come along, I'll never forgive lament his roving, and my own credulity.you, if you don't come back stark mad with Believe me, Faulkland, I mean not to up say, that braid you, when I say, that I have often dress- tions would tend:-But as they seem pressing ed sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should to insult me, I will spare you the regret of guess whose unkindness had caused my tears. having done so.-I have given you no cause Faulk. You were ever all goodness to me. for this! [Exit in tears. -O, I am a brute, when I but admit a doubt Faulk. In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but for of your true constancy! a moment.-The door is fastened!-Julia!Julia. If ever without such cause from you, my soul-but for one moment: I hear her as I will not suppose possible, you find my sobbing!-'Sdeath! what a brute am I to use affections veering but a point, may I become her thus! Yet stay.-Ay-she is coming now: a proverbial scoff for levity and base ingra--how little resolution there is in women!--titude. how a few soft words can turn them!--No, Faulk. Ah! Julia, that last word is grating faith!-she is not coming either.-Why, Julia to me. I would I had no title to your grati--my love-say but that you forgive metude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what come but to tell me that-now this is being you have mistaken for love, is but the warm too resentful: stay! she is coming too-I effusion of a too thankful heart! thought she would no steadiness in any Julia. For what quality must I love you? thing! her going away must have been a mere Faulk. For no quality! To regard me for trick then-she sha'n't see that I was hurt by any quality of mind or understanding, were it.-I' I affect indifference-[Hums a tune: only to esteem me. And for person-I have then listens]-No-Zounds! she's not coming! often wished myself deformed, to be convin--nor don't intend it, I suppose. This is not ced that I owed no obligation there for any steadiness but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it. part of your affection. -What, after so long an absence to quarrel Julia. Where nature has bestowed a show with her tenderness!-'twas barbarous and of nice attention in the features of a man, he unmanly! I should be ashamed to see her should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen now. I'll wait till her just resentment is abamen, who in this vain article, perhaps, might ted — and when I distress her so again, may rank above you; but my heart has never asked I lose her for ever! and be linked instead to my eyes if it were so or not. some antique virago, whose gnawing passions, Faulk. Now this is not well from you, Ju- and long hoarded spleen, shall make me curse lia,-I despise person in a man-yet, if you my folly half the day and all the night. [Exit. loved me as I wish, though I were an Aethiop, SCENE III.-MRS. MALAPROP'S Lodgings. you'd think none so fair. and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE. Julia. I see you are determined to be un- MRS. MALAPROP, with a Letter in her Hand, kind-The contract which my poor father bound us in gives you more than a lover's Mrs. Mal. Your being Sir Anthony's son, privilege. captain, would itself be a sufficient accomFaulk. Again, Julia, you raise ideas that modation 1); but from the ingenuity 2) of your feed and justify my doubts.-I would not have appearance, I am convinced you deserve the been more free-no-I am proud of my re- character here given of you. straint.-Yet-yet-perhaps your high respect Abs. Permit me to say, madam, that as I alone for this solemn compact has fettered never yet have had the pleasure of seeing your inclinations, which else had made a Miss Languish, my principal inducement in worthier choice.-How shall I be sure, had this affair at present is the honour of being you remained unbound in thought and pro- allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual mise, that I should still have been the object accomplishments, elegant manners, and unof your persevering love? affected learning, no tongue is silent. Julia. Then try me now.-Let us be free Mrs. Mal Sir, you do me infinite honour!as strangers as to what is past:-my heart I beg, captain, you'll be seated.-[Sit.]-Ah! will not feel more liberty! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to Faulk. There now! so hasty, Julia! so value the ineffectual 3) qualities in a woman! anxious to be free!-If your love for me were few think how a little knowledge becomes a fixed and ardent, you would not loose your gentlewoman! Men have no sense now but hold, even though I wished it! for the worthless flower of beauty! Julia. O! you torture me to the heart! I Abs. It is but too true indeed, ma'am ;-yet cannot bear it. I fear our ladies should share the blame-they Faulk. I do not mean to distress you. If think our admiration of beauty so great, that I loved you less, I should never give you an knowledge in them would be superfluous. uneasy moment.-But hear me.-All my fret-Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show ful doubts arise from this.-Women are not fruit, till time has robbed them of the more used to weigh, and separate the motives of specious blossom. Few, like Mrs. Malaprop their affections: the cold dictates of prudence, and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once! gratitude, or filial duty, may sometimes be Mrs. Mal. Sir, you overpower me with mistaken for the pleadings of the heart.-I good-breeding - He is the very pine-apple of would not boast-yet let me say, that I have politeness! You are not ignorant, captain, that neither age, person, nor character, to found this giddy girl has somehow contrived to fix dislike on;-my fortune such as few ladies her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eavescould be charged with indiscretion in the dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, match. — O Julia! when Love receives such and nobody knows any thing of. countenance from Prudence, nice minds will be suspicious of its birth. Julia. I know not whither your insinua Abs. O, I have heard the silly affair before. |