list; and row in a boat to Putney on Sundays; and wisit my friends at Vitsontide; and keep the key of the till; and help myself at table to vhat wittles I like; and I'll have a bit of the brown, d-n me. Brun. Bravo, brother Sneak! the day's your own. (Apart.)

Sneak. An't it? Vhy, I did not think it was in me. Shall I tell her all I know? (Apart.)

Bruin. Every thing. You see she is struck dumb. (Apart.)

Sneak. As an oyster. (Apart.) Besides, madam, I have something furder to tell you: ecod, if some folks go into gardens vith majors, mayhap other people may go into garrets with maids. There, I gave it her home, brother Bruin. (Apart.)

Mrs. S. Why, doodle! jackanapes! harkye, who am I?

Sneak. Come, don't go to call names. vhy, my vife, and I am your master.

Am I?

Mrs. S. My master! you paltry, puddling puppy! you sneaking, shabby, scrubby, snivelling whelp! Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come near me. (Apart.)

Mrs. S. Have I, sirrah, demeaned myself to wed such a thing, such a reptile as thee? Have I not made myself a by-word to all my acquaintance? Don't all the world cry, "Lord, who would have thought it? Miss Molly Jollup to be married to Sneak; to take up at last with such a noodle as he!"

Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could catch me: you know you vas pretty near your last legs.

Ms. S. Was there ever such a confident cur? My last legs! Why, all the country knows I could have picked and chosen where I would. Did not I refuse squire Ap-Griffith, from Wales? Did not counsellor Crab come a courting a twelvemonth? Did not Mr. Wort, the great brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I should keep my post-chay?

Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, she has had werry good proffers, that is certain. (Apart.)

Mrs. S. My last legs!-But I can rein my passion no longer; let me get at the villain.

Bruin. O fie, sister Sneak. (Holds her.) ·
Sneak. Hold her fast. (Apart.)

Mrs. S. Mr. Bruin, unhand me: what is it you that have stirred up these coals, then? He is set on by you to abuse me. [like a man. Bruin. Not I; I would only have a man behave Mrs. S. What! and you are to teach him, I warrant. But here comes the Major.

Enter MAJOR STURGEON.

Oh, Major, such a riot and rumpus! Like a man indeed! I wish people would mind their own affairs, and not meddle with matters that does not concern them-but all in good time; I shall one day catch him alone, when he has not his bullies to back him.

Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin; vhat shall I do ven she has me at home, and nobody by but ourselves? (Apart.)

Bruin. If you get her once under, you may do with her whatever you will.

Major S. Lookye, master Bruin, I don't know how this behaviour may suit with a citizen; but were you an officer, and Major Sturgeon upon your court-martial-(Goes up to Bruin.) Bruin. What then?

(Retreats)

Major S. Then, why then you would be broke. Bruin. Broke! and for what?

Major S. What! read the articles of war. But these things are out of your spear: points of honour are for the sons of the sword.

Sneak. Honour! if thou come to that, vhere vas your honour vhen you got my vife in the garden?

Major S. Now, Sir Jocob, this is the curse of our cloth: all suspected for the faults of a few. Sneak. Ay, and not without reason. I heard of your tricks at the K ng of Bohemy, when you vas campaigning about, I did. Father, Sir Jacob, he is as wicious as an old ram.

Major S. Stop whilst you are safe, mas ́er Sneak! for the sake of your amiable lady, I pardon what is past, but for you-(To Bruin.)

Bruin. Well

Major S. Dread the whole force of my fury.

Bruin. Why lookye, Major Sturgeon, I don't much care for your poppers and sharps, because why, they are out of my way; but if you will doff with your boots, and box a couple of bouts-(Jerry and Bruin strip.)

Major S. Box, box! Blades, bullets! Bagshot! Mrs S. Not for the world, my dear Major! oh, risk not so precious a life. Ungrateful wreches! And is this the reward for all the great feats he has done? After all his marchings, his sousings, his sweatings, his swimmings, must his dear blood be spilt by a broker?

Major S. Be satisfied, sweet Mrs. Sneak; these little fracases we soldiers are subject to; trifles, bagatiles, Mrs. Sneak. But that matters may be conducted in a military manner, I will get our chaplain to pen me a challenge. Expect to hear from my adjutant. (To Bruin. Sneak and Bruin put on their coats.)

Mrs. S. Major, Sir Jacob, what, are you all leagued against his dear life? A man! yes, a very manly, action indeed, to set married people a quarrelling, and ferment a difference between husband and wife: if you were a man, you would not stand by and see a poor woman abused by a brute, you would not.

Sneak. Oh, Lord, I can hold out no longer! vhy, brother Bruin, you have set her a veeping. My life, my lovy, don't veep: did I ever think I should have made my Molly to veep? (Goes up to her.) Mrs. S. Last legs, you lubberly-(Beats him.) Sir J. Oh, fle, Molly! [Sir Jacob? Mrs. S. What, are you leagued against me, Sir J. Pr'ythee don't expose yourself before the whole parish. But what has been the occasion of this?

Mrs. S. Why, has he not gone and made himself the fool of the fair. Mayor of Garratt, indeed, ecod, I could trample him under my feet.

Sneak. Nay, vhy should you grudge me my purfarment?

Mrs. S. Did you ever hear such an oaf? Why, thee wilt be pointed at wherever thee goest. Lookye, Jerry, mind what I say; go get 'em to choose somebody else, or never come near me again. Sneak. Vhat shall I do, father, Sir Jacob? Sir J. Nay, daughter, you take this thing in too serious a light; my honest neighbours thought to compliment me: but come, we'll settle the business at once. I'll get Crispin Heeltap to be his locum tenens.

Sneak. Do, Crispin; do be my locum tenens. Heel. Master Sneak, to oblige you I will be locum tenens. [Exu. Sneak. Forget and forgive, Major. Major S. Freely.

Nor be it said, that after all my toil,
I stain'd my regimentals by a broil.

To you I dedicate boots, sword, and shield—
Sir J. As harmless in the chamber as the field.

Mr. Smith. Sir.

Enter MR. SMITH.

Dornton. Is Mr. Sulky come in?
Mr. Smith. No, sir.

[should return to-night? Dornton. Are you sure Harry Dornton said he Mr. Smith. Yes, sir.

Dornton. And you don't know where he is gone? Mr. Smith. He did not tell me, sir. Dornton. (Angrily.) I ask you if you know? Mr. Smith. I believe to Newmarket, sir. Dornton. You always believe the worst. I'll sit up no longer. Tell the servants to go to bed. And, do you hear, should he apply to you for money, don't let him have a guinea

MR. SMITH.
TRADESMEN, &c.
WIDOW WARREN.

Mr. Smith. Very well, sir.

· SOPHIA.

MRS. LEDGER.
JENNY.

Dornton. I have done with him; he is henceforth no son of mine. Let him starve.

Mr. Smith. He acts very improperly, sir, indeed. Dornton. Improperly! How? What does he do? Alarmed.)

Mr. Smith. Sir!

Dornton. Have you heard anything of

Mr. Smith. (Confused.) No; no, sir, nothing; nothing but what you yourself tell me.

Dornton. Then how do you know he has actel improperly?

Mr. Smith. He is certainly a very good-hearted young gentleman, sir. fan assertion? Dornton, Good-hearted! How dare you make such -Mr. Smith. Sir!

Dornton. How dare you, Mr. Smith, insult me so? Is not his gaming notorious? his racing, driving, riding, and associating with knaves, fools, debauchees, and black legs?

Harry. So! I suspected dad was in his tantrums.
Milford. You have given him some cause.
Harry. Very true. (To his father.) Consider, my
dear sir, the consequences of lying out all night.
Dornton. Be gone, villain!

Harry. Bad women, sir; damps, night air.
Dornton. Will you be gone?

Harry. Watch-houses, pick-pockets, cut-throats.
Sulky. Come, come, sir. (Shutting the window.)
Milford. We shall not get in.

Harry. Psha! How little do you know of my father. The door will open in less than fifteen seconds.

Milford. Done! for a hundred.

Harry. Done, done! (They take out their watches, and the door opens.) I knew you were had; double or quits we find the cloth laid, and supper on the table.

Milford. No; it won't do.

[Exeunt into the house.

SCENE IIL-The former Aparꞌment.

Enter HARRY DORNTON, MILFORD, and

Footman.

Footman. My old master is in a bitter passion, sir Harry. I know it.

Footman. He is gone down to turn the servant out of doors that let you in.

Harry. Is he? Then go you and let your

servant in again.

Footman. I dare not, sir.

Harry. Then I must.

doubly recovered them.

Harry. And very honourably?
Milford. Who doubts it?

Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Nobody, nobody.

Milford. But pray, Harry, what is it you find so attractive in my late father's amorous relict?

Harry. Ha, ha, ha! What, the widow Warren? Milford. She seems to think, and even reports, you are to marry her.

Harry. Marry! her? A coquette of forty, who ridiculously apes all the airs of a girl: fantastic, selfish, and a fool. And marry? Disgusting idea! Thou wert philosophising, as we drove, on the con dition of a post horse.

Milford. Well.

Harry. I would rather be a post-horse; nay, the brute that drives a post-horse, than the base thing thou hast imagined.

Milford. Then why are you so often there?
Harry. Because I can't keep away.

Milford. What, it is her daughter, Sophia ?

Harry. Lovely, bewitching innocent!

[Exit. Footman. He inquired who was with my young Milford. Well. [master.

Footman. And when he heard it was you, sir, he

was ten times more furious.

Re-enter HARRY DORNTON.

[Exit.

being a bastard, and left by law to starve, she Harry. In which the widow triumphs. And you willingly pays obedience to laws so wise.

Milford. She refuses even to pay my debts. Harry. And the worthy alderman, your father, being overtaken by death in the south of France,

Milford. I am a hundred and fifty in.
Harry. And I ten thousand out.

Milford. I believe I had better avoid your father for the present.

Harry. I think you had. Dad considers you as my tempter; the cause of my ruin.

Milford. And I being in his debt, he conceives he may treat me without ceremony.

Harry. Nay; d-n it, Jack, do him justice. It is not the money you had of him, but the ill advice he imputes to you, that galls him.

Milford. I hear he threatens to arrest me.

Harry. Yes; he has threatened to strike my name out of the firm, and disinherit me, a thousand times.

Milford. Oh! but he has been very serious in menacing me.

Harry. And me too.

Milford. You'll be at the tennis-court to-morrow?
Harry. No.

Milford. What, not to see the grand match?
Harry. No.

Milford. Oh yes, you will.

Harry. No; I am determined.

Milford. Yes, over night; you'll waver in the morning.

Harry. No; it is high time, Jack, to grow prudent. Milford. Ha, ha, ha! My plan is formed: I'll

soon be out of debt.

Harry. How will you get the money? Milford. By calculation.

Harry. Ha, ha, ha!

Milford I am resolved on it. How many men of

it where it is not to be found; or commits it to the
custody of some mercenary knave, who has made
his market of it to the widow. So, here comes the
supposed executor of this supposed will.
Enter MR. SULKY.

My dear Mr. Sulky, how do you do?
Sulky. Very ill.

Harry. Indeed! I am very sorry.
Sulky. You.

Harry. Ha, ha ha!

Sulky Ruin, bankruptcy, infamy!
Harry. The old story.

Sulky. To a new tune.
Harry. Ha, ha, ha!
Sulky. You are-

Harry. What, my good cynic?
Sulky. A fashionable gentleman.
Harry. I know it.

What's your

[disorder?

[ruined?

Sulky. And fashionably ruined. Harry. No; I have a father. Sulky. Who is ruined likewise. Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Is the Bank of England Sulky. I say, ruined. Nothing less than a miracle can save the house. The purse of Fortunatus could not supply you.

[bills, paper, for me. Harry. No; it held nothing but guineas. Notes, Sulky. Such an effrontery is insufferable. For these five years, sir, you have been driving to ruin more furiously than

Harry. An ambassador's coach on a birth-night. I saw you were stammering for a simile. Sulky. Sir!

Harry. Youth mounts the box, seizes the resins,

and jehus headlong on in the dark; Passion and Prodigality blaze in the front, bewilder the coachman, and dazzle and blind the passengers; Wisdom, Prudence, and virtue, are overset and maimed, or murdered; and, at last, Repentance, like the footman's flambeau lagging behind, lights us to dangers when they are past all remedy. Sulky. Your name is struck off the firm. I was the adviser.

Harry. You were very kind, Mr. Sulky. Sulky. Your father is at last determined. Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Do you think so? Sulky. You'll find so. And what brought you here, sir? (To Milford.)

Milford. A chaise and four.

Sulky. It might have carried you to a safer place. When do you mean to pay your debts?

Milford. When my father's executor prevails on the widow Warren to do me justice.

Sulky. And which way am I to prevail?

Milford. And which way am I to pay my debts? Sulky. You might have more modesty than insolently to come and brave one of your principal creditors, after having ruined his son by your evil counsel.

Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Don't believe a word on't, my good grumbler; I ruined myself: I wanted no counsellor.

Milford. My father died immensely rich; and though I am what the law calls illegitimate, I ought not to starve.

Sulky. You have had five thousand pounds, and are five more in debt. [with thousands. Milford. Yes, thanks to those who trust boys Sulky. You would do the same now that you think yourself a man.

Milford. (Firmly.) Indeed I would not. Sulky. Had you been watching the widow at home, instead of galloping after a knot of gamblers and pickpockets, you might perhaps have done yourself more service.

Milford. Which way, sir?

Sulky. The will of your late father is found.
Milford. Found?

Sulky. I have received a letter, from which I learn it was at last discovered, carefully locked up in a private drawer; and that it is now a full month since a gentleman of Montpelier, coming to England, was entrusted with it. But no such gentleman has yet appeared. [the widow! Milford. If it should have got into the hands of Sulky. Which I suspect it has. You are a couple of pretty gentlemen. But beware! Misfortune is at your heels. Mr. Dornton vows vengeance on you both, and justly. He is not gone to bed; and, if you have confidence enough to look him in the face, I would have you stay where you are. Milford. I neither wish to insult, nor be insulted. [Exit.

Sulky. Do you know, sir, your father turned the poor fellow into the street, who compassionately opened the door for you?

Harry. Yes, and my father knows I as compassionately opened the door for the poor fellow in return. [ing daily. Your fame is increasHarry. I am glad to hear it.

Sulky. Very well, sir.

Sulky. Humph! Then perhaps you have para

graphed yourself?

Sulky. Yours. You march through every avenue to fame, dirty or clean.

Harry. Well said. Be witty when you can; sarcastic you must be, in spite of your teeth. But I like you the better. You are honest. You are my cruet of cayenne, and a sprinkling of you is excellent.

Sulky. Well, sir, when you know the state of your own affairs, and to what you have reduced the house, you will perhaps be less ready to grin. Harry. Reduced the house! Ha, ha, ha! Enter MR. DORNTON, with a newspaper in his hand.

Dornton. So, sir!

Harry. (Bowing.) I am happy to see you, sir.

Dornton. You are there, after having broken into my house at midnight; and you are here, (pointing to the paper) after having ruined me and my house by your unprincipled prodigality. Are you not a scoundrel?

(Going.

Harry. No, sir: I am only a fool. Sulky. Good night to you, gentlemen. Dornton. Stay where you are, Mr. Sulky. I beg you to stay where you are, and bear witness to my solemn renunciation of him and his vices.

Sulky. I have witnessed it a thousand times. Donnton. But this is the last. Are you not a scoundrel, I say! (To Harry.) Horry, I am your son. [deeds. Dornton. (Calling off.) Mr. Smith! Bring in those Enter MR. SMITH, with papers.

You will not deny you are an incorrigible squanHarry. I will deny nothing. [derer 2 Dornton. A nuisance, a wart, a blot, a stain upon the face of nature?

Harry. A stain that will wash out, sir.

Dornton. A redundancy, a negation; a besotted sophisticated incumbrance: a jumble of fatuity; your head, your heart, your words, your actions, all a jargon; incoherent and unintelligible to yourself, absurd and offensive to others!

Harry. I am whatever you please, sir.

Dornton. Bills never examined, every thing bought on credit, the price of nothing asked. Conscious you were weak enough to wish for baubles you did not want, and pant for pleasures you could not enjoy, you had not the effrontery to assume the circumspect caution of common sense; and, to your other destructive follies, you must add the detestable vice of gaming.

Harry. These things, sir, are much easier done than defended.

Dornton. But here.-Give me that parchment! (To Mr. Smith) The partners have all been summoned. Look, sir! Your name has been formally erased.

Harry. The partners are very kind.

Dornton. The suspicions already incurred by the known profligacy of a principal in the firm, the immense sums you have drawn, this paragraph, the run on the house it will occasion, the consternation of the whole city

Harry. All very terrible, and some of it very true. (Half aside.)

Dornton. (Passionately.) If I should happily outlive the storm you have raised, it shall not be to support a prodigal, or to reward a gambler. [Exit Mr. Smith. You are disinherited. Read.

Harry. Your word is as good as the Bank, sir. Dornton. I'll no longer act the doating father, fascinated by your arts.

Harry. I never had any art, sir, except the one you taught me. [What? What? Scoundrel?

Dornton. I taught you!