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ness, can never get the air of a courtier at court, but will immediately catch it in the camp." The reason of this most certainly is, that the very essence of good-breeding and politeness consists in several niceties, which are so minute that they escape his observation, and he falls short of the original he would copy after; but when he sees the same things charged and aggravated to a fault, he no sooner endeavours to tome up to the pattern which is set before him, than, though he stops somewhat short of that, he naturally rests, where in reality he ought. I was, two or three days ago, mightily pleased with the observation of an humorous gentleman upon one of his friends, who was in other respects every way an accomplished person, That he "wanted nothing but a dash of the coxcomb in him;" by which he understood a little of that alertness and unconcern in the common actions of life, which is usually so visible among gentlemen of the army, and which a campaign or two would infallibly have given him.
'You will easily guess, Sir, by this my panegyric upon a military education, that I am myself a soldier, and indeed I am so. I remember, within three years after I had been in the army, I was ordered into the country a recruiting. I had very particular success in this part of the service, and was over and above assured, at my going away, that I might have taken a young lady, who was the most considerable fortune ill the country along with me. I preferred the pursuit of fame at that time to all other considerations, and though I was net absolutely bent on a wooden leg, resolved at least to get a scar or tv.o for the good of Europe. I have at present as much as I desire of this sort of honour, and if you could recommend me effectually, should be well enough contented to pass the remainder of my days in the arms of some dear kind creature, and upon a pretty estate in the country. This, us 1 take it, would be following the
example of Lucius.Cincinnatus, the old Roman dictator, who at the end of a war left the camp to follow the plough.
'I am, Sir, with all imaginable respect,
'I AM an half-pay officer, and am at present with a friend in the country. Here is a rich widow in the neighbourhood, who has made foots of all the foxhunters within fifty miles of her. She declares she intends to marry, but has not yet been asked by the man she could like. She usually admits her humble admirers to an audience or two; but, after she has once given them denial, will never see them more. I am assured by a female relation, that I shall have fair play at her; but as my whole success depends on my first approaches, I desire your advice whether I had best storm, or proceed by way of sap.
'I am, Sir,
'P. S. I had forgot to tell you, that I have already carried one of her outworks, that is, secured her maid.'
4, 'Mr. Spectator,
'I HAVE assisted in several sieges in the low countries, and being still willing to employ my talents, as a soldier and engineer, lay down this morning at seven o'clock before the door of an obstinate female, who had for some time refused me admittance. I made a lodgment in an outer parlour about twelve: the enemy retired to her bed-chamber, yet I still pursued, and about two o'clock this afternoon she thought fit to capitulate. Her demands are indeed somewhat high, in relation to the settlement of her fortune.... But being in possession of the house, I intend to insist upon carte blanche, and am in hopes, by keeping off all other pretenders for the space of twentyfour hours, to starve her into a compliance. I beg your speedy advice, and am,
From my camp in Red Lion Square, Saturday four in the afternoon.
No. DLXVII. WEDNESDAY, JULY 14.
Inceptus clamor frustratur Mantes. Viro.
The weak voice deceives their gasping throats.
I HAVE received private advice from some of my correspondents, that if I would give my paper a general run, I should take care to season it with scandal. I have indeed observed of late that few writings sell which are not filled with great names and illustrious titles. The reader generally casts his eye upon a new book, and if he finds several letters separated from one another by a dash, he buys it up, and peruses it with great satisfaction. An M and an h, a T and an r, with a short line between them, has sold many insipid pamphlets. Nay, I have known a whole edition go off by virtue of two or three well-written
A sprinkling of the words faction, Frenchman, papist, plunderer, and the like significant terms, in an italic character, have also a good effect upon the C5'e of the purchaser; not to mention scribbler, liar, rogue, rascal, knave, and villain, without which it is impossible to carry on a modern controversy.
Our party-writers are so sensible of the secret virtue of an innuendo to recommend their productions,
-that of late they never mention the Q n or
P t at length, though they speak of them with
honour, and with that deference which is due to them from every private person. It gives a secret satisfaction to a peruser of those mysterious works, that he is able to decypherthem without help, and, by the strength of his own natural parts, to fill up a blankspace, or make out a word that has only the first and last letter to it.
Some of our authors indeed, when they would be more satirical than ordinary, omit only the vowels of a great man's name, and fall most unmercifully upon all the consonants. This way of writing was first of all introduced by 'T....m Br....wn, of facetious memory, who, after having gutted a proper name of all its intermediate vowels, used to plant it in his works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any danger of the statute.
That I may imitate these celebrated autli ors, and publish a paper which shall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious libel, in which a reader of penetration will find a great deal of concealed satire, and, if he be acquainted with the present posture of affairs, will easily discover the meaning of it.
'If there are four persons in the nation who endeavour to bring all things into confusion, and ruin their native country, I think every honest Engl-shm-n ought to be upon hi3 guard. That there are such, every one will agree with me, who hears ine naine *** with his first friend and favourite ***, not (o mention***, nor***. These people mi'y cry ch-rch, ch-rch, as long as they please, but to make use of a homely proverb, ' The proof of the p«ckl--ng is in the eating.' This I am sure of, that if a certain prince should concur with a certain prelate, (and we have
Monsieur Z n's word for it) our posterity
would be in a sweet p--ckle. Must the British nation suffer forsooth, because my lady Q—p—t—s has been disobliged? Or is it reasonable that our English fleet, which used to be the terror of the ocean,
should lie wind-bound for the sake of a ?I
love to speak out and declare my mind clearly, when I am talking for the good of my country. I will not make my court to an ill man, though he were a
B y or a T t. Nay, I would not stick to
call such a politician, a traitor, an enemy to his country, and a bl-nd-rb-ss, &c. Sec'
The remaining part of this political treatise, which is written after the manner of the most.celebrated authors in Great-Britain, I may communicate to the public at a more convenient season. In the mean while I shall leave this with my curious reader, as some ingenious writers do their enigmas, and if any sagacious person can fairly unriddle it, I will print his explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the world with his name.
I hope this short essay will convince my readers, it is not for want of abilities that I avoid state-tracts, and that if I would apply my mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a master of the political scratch as any the most eminent writer of the age. I shall only add, that in order to outshine all this modern race of syncopists,. and thoroughly-content my English reader, I intend shortly to publish a Spectator* that shall not have a single vowel in it.