96 I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's smart We so laugh'd. answer just now to Mr. Marlow. You must know, madam-this way a little, for he must not hear us. (They confer.) Tony. (Still gazing.) A d-d cramp piece of penI can read manship as ever I saw in my life. your print hand very well: but here they're such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head from the tail. To Anthony Lumpkin, Esq.-It's very odd, I can read the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough; but when I come to open it, it is all buzz. That's hard, very hard; for the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspon dence. Mrs. H. Ha, ha, ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was too hard for the philosopher? Miss N. Yes, Madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled him again. Mrs. H. He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. Tony. (Still gazing.) A d-d up and down hand, as if disguised in liquor.- (Reading.)—Dear sir, Ay, that's that. Then there's an M, and a Tand an S; but whether the next be an izzard or an R, confound me! I cannot tell. [any assistance? Mrs. H. What's that, my dear? Can I give you Miss N. Pray, aunt, let me read it No body reads a cramp hand better than I.-Twitching the letter [feeder. from her.)-Do you know who it is from? Tony. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the Miss N. Ay, so it is.-(Pretending to read.)Dear 'squire, hoping that you're in health, as I am at present. The gentleman of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentleman of the Goose-green quite out of feather. The odds-um-odd battle-um-long fighting -um-here, here; it's all about cocks, and fighting; it's of no consequence; here, put it up, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him.) Tony. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the consequence in the world; I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you make it out. Of no consequence! (Giving Mrs. H. the letter.) Mrs. H. How's this? (Reads.)-"Dear 'Squire, -I am now waiting for Miss Neville, with a postchaise and pair, at the bottom of the garden; but I find my horses yet unable to perform their journey. I expect you'll assist us with a pair of fresh_horses, as you promised. Despatch is necessary, as the hag, (ay, the hag,) your mother, will otherwise suspect us. Yours HASTINGS." Grant me patience! I shall run distracted! My rage chokes me. Miss N. I hope you'll suspend your resentment for a few moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design that belongs to another. Mrs. H. (Curtseying very low.) Fine spoken madam, you are most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone.) And you, you great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth shut, were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh horses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to run off with me. Your old aunt Pedigree, will keep you secure, I'll warrant me. You, too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll shew you that I wish you better than you do yourself. Miss N. So, now I'm completely ruined. [Exit. Miss N. What better could be expected from being connected with such a stupid fool, and after all the nods and signs I made him? Tony. By the laws! miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with your Shakebags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be making believe. Enter HASTINGS. Hast. So, sir, I find, by my servant, that you Was this have shewn my letter, and betrayed us. well done, young gentleman? Tony. Here's another! Ask miss there who betrayed you. Ecod! it was her own doing, not mine. Enter MARLOW. Mar. So, I have been finely used here among you. Rendered contemptible, driven into ill-manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. Tony. Here's another! We shall have old Bedlam broke loose presently. Miss N. And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe every obligation. Mar. What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance and youth are a protection? Hast. A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace correction. Miss N. Yet, with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry with all our embarrassments. Hast. An insensible cub! Mar. Replete with tricks and mishief. Tony. Baw! (Starts up.) D-e! but I'll fight you both, one after the other-with baskets. But Mar. As for him, he's below resentment. your conduct, Mr. Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would not undeceive me. Hast. Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time for explanations? It is n.t friendly, Mr. Marlow. Mas. But, sir Miss N. Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was too late to undeceive you. Be pacified. Enter DIGGORY. Dig. My mistress desires you'll get ready imThe horses are putting to; mediately, madam, We are your hat and things are in the next room. [Exit. to go thirty miles before morning. Miss N. I come. Oh! Mr. Marlow, if you knew what a scene of constraint and ill-nature lies before me, I'm sure it would convert your resentment into pity. Mrs. H. (Within) Miss Neville! why, Constance, I say! Constance! Miss N. I'm coming. Well, constancy; remem[Exit. ber, constancy is the word. Hast. My heart, how can I support this? To be so near happiness, and such happiness! Mar. (To Tony.) You see now, young gentleman, What might be amusethe effects of your folly. ment to you, is here disappointment, and even distress. Tony. (From a reverie.) Ecod! I have hit it; it's here. Your hands; and yours, and yours, my poor Sulky. Meet me, two hours hence, at the bottom of the garden; and if you don't find Tony Lumpkin, a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I'm give you leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain. Come along. [Exeunt. ACT V.-SCENE I.-An old-fashioned House. Enter SIR CHARLES MARLOW and HARD CASTLE. Hard. Ha, ha, ha! The peremptory tone in which Le sent forth his sublime commands. Sir C. And the reserve with which I suppose. he treated all your advances. Hard. And yet, he might have seen something in me above a common innkeeper, too. Sir C. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper. Ha, ha, ha! Hard. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal friendships hereditary; and though my daughter's fortune is but small Sir C. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to me? My son is possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a good and virtuous girl to share his happiness, and increase it. If they like each other, as you say they do Hard. If, man! I tell you, they do like each other; my daughter as good as told me so. Sir C. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know. Hurd. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and here he comes to put you out of your ifs, I warrant him. Enter MARLOW. Mar. I come, sir, once more to ask pardon for my strange conduct. I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. Hard. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness upon her veracity. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely, and without reserve. Has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and affection? Miss H. The question is very abrupt, sir; but Sir C. And pray, madam, have you and my son Sir C. But did he profess any attachment? Sir C. Did he talk of love? Sir C. Amazing! and all this formally? Hard. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied. Miss H. As most professed admirers do. Said some civil things of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with pretended rapture. Hard. Tut! boy, a trifle; you take it too gravely. Sir C. Now I'm perfectly convinced; indeed, I An hour or two's laughing with my daughter will know his conversation among women to be modest set all to rights again. She'll never like you the and submissive. This forward, canting, ranting worse for it. [bation. manner, by no means describes him, and I'm conMar. Sir, I shall be always proud of her appro-fident he never sat for the picture. Iard. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You take me? Mar. Really, sir, I have not that happiness. Hard. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what, as well as you that are younger. I. know what has passed between you; but, mum. Mar. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You don't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the family. Hard. Impudence! No, I don't say that-not quite impudence. Girls like to be played with, and rumpled too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. Mar. May I die, sir, if I ever Miss H. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of my sincerity? If you and my papa, in about half-an-hour, will place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his passion to me in person. Sir C Agreed; and if I find him what you decribe, all my happiness in him must have an end. [Exit with Hard. Miss H. And if you don't find him what I describe, I fear my happiness must never have a beginning. SCENE II-The Back of the Garden. Enter HASTINGS. Hast. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow, who probably takes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, and I'й wait no longer. What do I see? It is he, and per Hard. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and as haps, with news of my Constance. I'm sure you like her Mar. Dear, sir, I protest, sir Hard. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as the parson can tie you. Mar. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, I never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting. Hard. This fellow's formal, modest impudence is beyond bearing. (Aside.) Sir C. And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations. Mar. As heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without reluctance. I hope you'll exact no further proofs of my duty, nor prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many mortifications. [Exit. Sir C. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he parted. Hard. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his assurance. [truth. Sir C. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his Enter TONY, booted, &c. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man of your word. This looks like friendship. Tony. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, if you knew but all. This riding by night, by-the-by, is cursedly tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage coach. Hast. But how? where did you leave your fellowtravellers? Are they in safety? Are they housed? Tony. Five-and-twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it. Rabbit me! but I'd rather ride forty miles after a fox, than ten with such varment. Ilast. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience. Tony. Left them! why, where should I leave them, but where I found them? Hast. This is a riddle. Tony. Riddle me this, then. What's that goes round the house, and round the house, and never touches the house? Hast. I'm still astray. Tony. Why, that's it, mun. I have led them astray. By jingo! there's not a pond or slough within five miles of the place, but they can tell the taste of. Hast. Ha, ha, ha! I understand; you took them in a round, while they thought themselves going forward. And so you have at last brought them home again! Tony. You shall hear. I first took them down. Feather-bed-lane, where we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack over the stones, up-anddown hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-tree-heath; and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in the horse-pond at the bottom of the garden. Hast. But no accident, I hope? Tony. No, no; only mother is confoundedly frightened. She thinks herself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey, and the cattle can scarce scrawl. So if your horses be ready, you may whip off with cousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow you. Hast. My dear friend, how can I be grateful? Tony. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'squire. Just now it was all idiot, cub, and run me through the guts. D-n your way of fighting, I say! After we take a knock, in this part of the country, we shake hands and be friends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should be dead, and you might shake hands with the hangman. Hast. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss Neville; if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of the young one. [Exit. Tony. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish! She's got into the pond, and is draggled up to the waist like a mermaid. Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE. Mrs. H. Oh! Tony, I'm killed! shook! battered to death! I shall never survive it. The last jolt against the quick-set hedge has done my business. Tony. Alack! mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for running away by night, without knowing one inch of the way. Mrs. H. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many accidents it so short a journey. Drench'd in the mud, overturned in a ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose our way! Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony? Tony. By my guess, we should be upon Crackskull common, about forty miles from home. Mrs. H. Oh, lud! oh, lud! the most notorious spot in all the country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't. Tony. Don't be afraid, mamma, don't be afraid. Two of the five that kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don't be afraid. Is that a man gallopping behind us? No; it's only a tree. Don't be afraid. Mrs. H. The fright will certainly kill me. Tony. Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket? Mrs. H. Oh, death! [ma; don't be afraid. Tony. No, it's only a cow. Don't be afraid, mamMrs. H. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah! I'm sure on't. If he perceives us, we are undone. Tony. Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky! come to take one of his night-walks. (Aside.) Ah! it's a highwayman with pistols as long as my arm. A d-d ill-looking fellow! Mrs. H. Good heaven defend us! he approaches. Tony. Do you hide yourself in that thicket, and leave me to manage him. If there be any danger I'll cough and ery hem. When I cough be sure to keep close. (Mrs. H. hides behind a tree in the back scene.) Enter HARDCASTLE. Hard. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of help. Oh! Tony, is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are your mother and her charge in safety? Tony. Very safe, sir, at my aunt Pedigree s. Hem Mrs. II. (From behind.). Ah, death! I find there's danger. Hard. Forty miles in three hours! sure, that's too much, my youngster. Tony. Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys as they say. Hem! [boy no harm. Mrs. H. (From behind.) Sure, he'll do the dear Hard. But I heard a voice here; I should be glad to know from whence it came. Tony. It was I, sir, talking to myself, sir. I was saying, that forty miles in three hours was very good going. Hem! As to be sure it was. Hem I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air. We'll go in, if your please. Hem! Hard. But if you talked to yourself, you did not answer yourself. I am certain I heard two voices, and am resolved (raising his voice) to find the other out. Mrs. H. (Rushing forward.) Oh, lud; he'll murder my poor boy-my darling. Here, good gentleman, whet your rage upon me. Take my moneymy life, but spare that young gentleman; spare my child, if you have any mercy. Hard. My wife, as I'm a Christian! From whence can she come? or what does she mean? Mrs. H. (Kneeling.) Take compassion on us, good Mr. Highwayman. Take our money, our watches all we have, but spare our lives. We will never bring you to justice; indeed, we won't, good Mr. Highwayman. Hard. I believe the woman's out of her senses, What, Dorothy, don't you know me? Mrs. H. Mr. Hardcastle, as I'm alive! My fears blinded me. But who, my dear, could have expected to meet you here, in this frightful place, so far from home? What has brought you to follow us? Hard. Sure, Dorothy, you have not lost your wits. So far from home, when you are within forty yards of your own door. (To Tony.) This is one of your old tricks, you graceless rogue, you! (To Mrs. H.) Don't you know the gate, and the mulberry-tree? and don't you remember the horse-pond, my dear? Mrs. H. Yes, I shall remember the horse-pond as long as I live; I have caught my death in it. (To Tony.) And is it to you, you graceless varlet, I owe all this? I'll teach you to abuse your mother, I will. Tony. Ecod! mother, all the parish say you have spoiled me, and so you may take the fruits on't. Mrs. H. I'll spoil you, I will. (Beats him off) Hard. Ha, ha, ha! [Exit. SCENE III-A Parlour. Enter SIR CHARLES MARLOW, and MISS HARDCASTLE. Sir C. What a situation am I in! If what you say appears, I shall then find a guilty son. If what he says be true, I shall then lose one that, of all others, I most wished for a daughter. Miss H. I am proud of your approbation, and to shew I merit it, if you place yourselves as I directed, you shall hear his explicit declaration. But he comes. Sir C. I'll to your father, and keep him to the appointment. [Exit. Enter MARLOW. Mar. Though prepared for setting out, I come once more to take leave; nor did I till this mo ment, know the pain I feel in the separation. Miss H. (In her own natural manner.) I believe these sufferings cannot be very great, sir, which you A TRAGEDY, IN FIVE ACTS.-BY JOHN HOME. ACT L Persons Represented. YOUNG NORVAL SCENE L-The four of Castle, surrounded with Enter LADY RANDOLPH through the castle gates. Lady R. Ye woods and wilds, whose melancholy gloom Accords with my soul's sadness, and draws forth LADY RANDOLPH ANNA Oh! Douglas, Douglas! if departed ghosts |