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3 Mob. I don't know.
Heel. Oh, may be so. Now, neighbours, here's a pretty rascal; this same Mug, because, d'ye see, state affairs would not jog glibly without laying a farthing a quart upon ale; this scoundrel, not contented to take things in a medium way, has had the impudence to raise it a penny.
Mob. No mug! no mug!
Heel. So, I thought I should crack Mr. Mug. Come, proceed to the next, Simon.
Suufle. The next upon the list is Peter Primmer, the schoolmaster.
Heel. Ay, neighbours, and a sufficient man: let me tell you, master Primmer is the man for my money; a man of learning, that can lay down the law; why, adzooks! he is wise enough to puzzle the parson: and, then, how you have heard him oration at the Adam and Eve of a Saturday night, about Russia and Prussia. Ecod, George Gage, the exciseman, is nothing at all to un.
4 Mob. A Primmer.
Heel. Ay, if the folks above did but know him. Why, lads, he will make us all statesmen in time. 2 Mob. Indeed!
Heel. Why, he swears as how all the miscarriages are owing to the great people's not learning to read. 3 Mob. Indeed!
Heel. "For," says Peter, says he, "if they would but once submit to be learned by me, there is no knowing to what pitch the nation might rise."
1 Mob. Ay, I wish they would.
Sneak. Crispin, vhat is Peter Primmer a candiHeel. He is, master Sneak. [date? Sneak. Lord, I know him, mun, as vell as my mother; vhy, I used to go to his lectures to Pewterers'-hall, 'long vith deputy Firkin.
Heel. Like enough.
Sneak Ods me, brother Bruin, can you tell me vhat is become of my vife?
Bruin. She is gone off with the Major. Sneak. Mayhap to take a valk in the garden. vill go and take a peep at vhat they are doing.
Mob. (Without.) Huzza!
[Exit from the wall.
Heel. Gad so! the candidates are coming.
[Exeunt Mob, &c.
Bruin. Why, lookye, Sir Jacob, my way is al-
a snivelling sot as your son-in-law, Sneak, to truckle
Sneak. Vhere's brother Bruin? O Lord! brother,
Sneak. Vhy, you know I vent into the garden to look for my vife and the Major, and there I hunted and hunted as sharp as if it had been for one of my minikins; but the deuce a major or madam could I see at last a thought came into my head to look for them up in the summer-house.
Bruin. And there you found them?
Sneak. I'll tell you: the door vas locked; and then I looked through the key-hole: and there,— Lord ha' mercy upon us! (whispers) as sure as a gun. Bruin. Indeed! Zounds, why did you not break open the door?
Sneak. I durst not. Vhat! vould you have me set my vit to a soldier? I varrant the Major vould have knocked me down with one of his boots.
Bruin. Very well! Pretty doings! You see, Sir Jacob, these are the fruits of indulgence. You may call me a bear, but your daughter shall never make me a beast. (Mob huzzas.) [ready? Sir J. Heyday! What, is the election over alEnter CRISPIN HEELTAP, &c. Heel. Where is master Sneak? Sneak. Here, Crispin.
Heel. The ancient corporation of Garratt, in consideration of your great parts and abilities, and out of respect to their landlord, Sir Jacob, have unanimously chosen you mayor.
Sneak. Me! Huzza! Good lord, who vould have thought it? But how came master Primmer to lose it?
Heel. Why, Phil Flem had told the electors, that master Primmer was an Irishman; and so they would none of them give their vote for a foreigner.
Sneak. So, then, I have it for certain: huzza! Now, brother Bruin, you shall see how I'll manage my madam. 'Gad, I'll make her know I am a man of authority; she sha'n't think to bullock and domineer over me.
Mrs. S. (Without.) Jerry! Jerry
Sneak. Then now for it; I am ready, let her come vhen she vill.
Enter MRS. SNEAK, through the garden-gate. Mrs. S. Where is the puppy?
Sneak. Yes, yes, she is axing for me.
Mrs. S. So, sot! what is this true that I hear? Sneak. May be 'tis, and may be 'tan't: I don't May-choose to trust my affairs with a voman. Is that right, brother Bruin? (Apart.)
Sir J. And what's your objection? Bruin. Why, I was never over fond of your games; besides corporations are too serious things: they are edge-tools, Sir Jacob.
Sir J. That they are frequently tools, I can readily grant; but I never heard much of their edge. [it mightily. Mrs. B. Well now, I protest I am pleased with Bruin. And who the devil doubts it? You women folks are easily pleased.
Mrs. B. Well, I like it so well, that I hope to see one every year.
Bruin. Do you? Why then you will be d- bit; you may take your leave, I can tell you; for this is the last you shall see. So away with you.
[Exit Mrs. Bruin. Sir. J. Fie, Mr Bruin, how can you be such a bear? Is that a manner of treating your wife? Bruin. What! I suppose you would have me such
Bruin. Fine! don't bate her an inch. (Apart.)
Mrs. S. Heyday! I am amazed! Why, what is the meaning of this?
Sneak. The meaning is plain: that I am grown a man, and vill do vhat I please, vithout being accountable to nobody.
Mrs. S. Why, the fellow is surely bewitched.
Sneak. No; I am unvitched, and that you shall know to your cost; and since you provoke me, I vill tell you a bit of my mind; vhat, I am the husband, I hope?
Bruin. That's right; at her again. (Apart.) Sneak. Yes; and you sha'n't think to hector and domineer over me as you have done: for I'll go to the club vhen I please; and stay out as late as I
list; and row in a boat to Putney on Sundays; and wisit my friends at Vitsontide; and keep the key of the till; and help myself at table to vhat wittles I like; and I'll have a bit of the brown, d-n me. Bruin. Bravo, brother Sneak! the day's your own. (Apart.)
Sneak. An't it? Vhy, I did not think it was in me. Shall I tell her all I know? (Apart.) Bruin. Every thing. You see she is struck dumb. (Apart.)
Sneak. As an oyster. (Apart.) Besides, madam, I have something furder to tell you: ecod, if some folks go into gardens vith majors, mayhap other people may go into garrets with maids. There, I gave it her home, brother Bruin. (Apart.) Mrs. S. Why, doodle! jackanapes! harkye, who am I?
Sneak. Como, don't go to call names. vhy, my vife, and I am your master.
Mrs. S. My master! you paltry, puddling puppy! you sneaking, shabby, scrubby, snivelling whelp! Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come near me. (Apart.)
Mrs. S. Have I, sirrah, demeaned myself to wed such a thing, such a reptile as thee? Have I not made myself a by-word to all my acquaintance? Don't all the world cry, "Lord, who would have thought it? Miss Molly Jollup to be married to Sneak; to take up at last with such a noodle as he!"
Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could catch me: you know you vas pretty near your last legs.
Ms. S. Was there ever such a confident cur? My last legs! Why, all the country knows I could have picked and chosen where I would. not I refuse squire Ap-Griffith, from Wales? Did not counsellor Crab come a courting a twelvemonth? Did not Mr. Wort, the great brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I should keep my post-chay?
Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, she has had werry good proffers, that is certain. (Apart.)
Mrs. S. My last legs!-But I can rein my passion no longer; let me get at the villain.
Bruin. O fle, sister Sneak. (Holds her.)
Mrs. S. Mr. Bruin, unhand me: what is it you that have stirred up these coals, then? He is set on by you to abuse me. [like a man. Bruin. Not I; I would only have a man behave Mrs. S. What! and you are to teach him, I warrant. But here comes the Major.
Enter MAJOR STURGEON.
Oh, Major, such a riot and rumpus! Like a man indeed! I wish people would mind their own affairs, and not meddle with matters that does not concern them-but all in good time; I shall one day catch him alone, when he has not his bullies to back him.
Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin; vhat shall I do ven she has me at home, and nobody by but ourselves? (Apart.)
Bruin. If you get her once under, you may do with her whatever you will.
Major S. Lookye, master Bruin, I don't know how this behaviour may suit with a citizen; but were you an officer, and Major Sturgeon upon your court-martial-(Goes up to Bruin.) Bruin. What then?
Major S. Then, why then you would be broke. Bruin. Broke! and for what?
Major S. What! read the articles of war. But these things are out of your spear: points of honour are for the sons of the sword.
Sneak. Honour! if thou come to that, vhere vas your honour vhen you got my vife in the garden?
Major S. Now, Sir Jocób, this is the curse of our cloth: all suspected for the faults of a few. Sneak. Ay, and not without reason. I heard of your tricks at the King of Bohemy, when you vas campaigning about, I did. Father, Sir Jacob, he is as wicious as an old ram.
Major S. Stop whilst you are safe, mas er Sneak! for the sake of your amiable lady, I pardon what is past, but for you-(To Bruin.) Bruin. Well.
Major S. Dread the whole force of my fury.
Bruin. Why lookye, Major Sturgeon, I don't much care for your poppers and sharps, because why, they are out of my way; but if you will doff with your boots, and box a couple of bouts-(erry and Bruin strip.)
Major S. Box, box! Blades, bullets! Bagshot!
Mrs S. Not for the world, my dear Major! oh, risk not so precious a life. Ungrateful wretches! And is this the reward for all the great feats he has done? After all his marchings, his sousings, his sweatings, his swimmings, must his dear blood be spilt by a broker?
Major S. Be satisfied, sweet Mrs. Sneak; these little fracases we soldiers are subject to; trifles, bagatiles, Mrs. Sneak. But that matters may be conducted in a military manner, I will get our chaplain to pen me a challenge. Expect to hear from my adjutant. (To Bruin. Sneak and Bruin put on their coats.)
Mrs. S. Major, Sir Jacob, what, are you all leagued against his dear life? A man! yes, a very manly, action indeed, to set married people a quarrelling, and ferment a difference between husband and wife: if you were a man, you would not stand by and see a poor woman abused by a brute, you would not.
Sneak. Oh, Lord, I can hold out no longer! vhy, brother Bruin, you have set her a veeping. My life, my lovy, don't veep: did I ever think I should have made my Molly to veep? (Goes up to her.) Mrs. S. Last legs, you lubberly-(Beats him.) Sir J. Oh, fie, Molly!
[Sir Jacob? Mrs. S. What, are you leagued against me, Sir J. Pr'ythee don't expose yourself before the whole parish. But what has been the occasion of this?
Mrs. S. Why, has he not gone and made himself the fool of the fair. Mayor of Garratt, indeed, ecod, I could trample him under my feet.
Sneak. Nay, vhy should you grudge me my purfarment?
Mrs. S. Did you ever hear such an oaf? Why, thee wilt be pointed at wherever thee goest. Lookye, Jerry, mind what I say; go get 'em to choose somebody else, or never come near me again. Sneak. Vhat shall I do, father, Sir Jacob? Sir J. Nay, daughter, you take this thing in too serious & light; my honest neighbours thought to compliment me: but come, we'll settle the business at once. I'll get Crispin Heeltap to be his locum tenens.
Sneak. Do, Crispin; do be my locum tenens. Heel. Master Sneak, to oblige you I will be locum tenens. [Exit.
Sneak. Forget and forgive, Major.
Nor be it said, that after all my toil,
A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS-BY THOMAS HOLCROFT.
Mr. Smith. Sir.
Enter MR. SMITH.
Dornton. Is Mr. Sulky come in?
Mr. Smith. No, sir. [should return to-night? Dornton. Are you sure Harry Dornton said he Mr. Smith. Yes, sir.
Dornton. And you don't know where he is gone? Mr. Smith. He did not tell me, sir. Dornton. (Angrily.) I ask you if you know? Mr. Smith. I believe to Newmarket, sir. Dornton. You always believe the worst. I'll sit up no longer. Tell the servants to go to bed. And, do you hear, should he apply to you for money, don't let him have a guinea.
MR. SMITH. TRADESMEN, &c. WIDOW WARREN.
Mr. Smith. Very well, sir.
Dornton. I have done with him; he is henceforth no son of mine. Let him starve.
Mr. Smith. He acts very improperly, sir, indeed. Dornton. Improperly! How? What does he do? (Alarmed.)
Mr. Smith. Sir!
Dornton. Have you heard anything of
Mr. Smith. (Confusel.) No, no, sir, nothing; nothing but what you yourself tell me. Dornton. Then how do you know he has acted improperly?
Mr. Smith. He is certainly a very good-hearted young gentleman, sir. [an assertion? Dornton. Good-hearted! How dare you make such Mr. Smith. Sir!
Dornton. How dare you, Mr. Smith, insult me so? Is not his gaming notorious? his racing, driving, riding, and associating with knaves, fools, debauchees, and black legs?
Mr. Smith. Upon my word, sir, I— Dornton. But it's over. His name has this very day been struck out of the firm. Let his drafts be returned. It's all ended. (Passionately.) And, observe, not a guinea. If you lend him any yourself, I'll not pay you. I'll no longer be a fond, doating father. Therefore take warning. Take warning, I say. Be his distress what it will, not a guinea: though you should hereafter see him begging, starving in the streets, not so much as the loan or the gift of a single guinea. (With great passion.)
Mr. Smith. I shall be careful to observe your orders, sir.
Dornton. Sir! (With terror.) Why, would you see him starve; Would you see him starve, and not lend him a guinea? Would you, sir? Would you? Mr. Smith. Sir! Certainly not, except in obedience to your orders.
Dornton. (With amazement and compassion.) And could any orders justify your seeing a poor unfortunate youth, rejected by his father, abandoned by his friends, starving to death?
Mr. Smith. There is no danger of that, sir. Dornton. I tell you the thing shall happen. He shall starve to death. (With horror at the supposition.) I ll never look on him more as a son of mine; and I am very certain, when I have forsaken him, all the world will forsake him too. (Almost in tears.) Yes, yes; he is born to be a poor wretched outcast. Mr. Smith. I hope, sir, he still will make a fine
Dornton. Will! There is not a finer, handsomer, nobler looking youth in the kingdom; no, not in the world.
Mr. Smith. I mean a worthy good man, sir. Dornton. How can you mean any such thing? The company he keeps would corrupt a saint.
Mr. Smith. Sir, if you will only tell me what your pleasure is, I will endeavour to act like a faithful
Dornton. I know you are a faithful servant, Mr. Smith. (Takes his hand.) I know you are; but you -you are not a father. [Exit Mr. Smith.
Enter MR. SULKY.
Dornton. Is not his name struck off the firm?
Dornton. What the effect of such a paragraph may be, I cannot tell
Sulky. I can; ruin.
Dornton. Are you serious, sir?
Sulky. I am not inclined to laugh. A run against the house, stoppage, disgrace, bankruptcy! Dornton. Really, Mr. Sulky, you
Sulky. Yes, I know I offend. I was bred in your house, you used me tenderly, I served you faithfully, and you admitted me a partner. Don't think I care for myself: no; I can set at the desk again: but you, you; first man of the first commercial city on earth! your name in the Gazette? Were it mine only, I would laugh at it. What am I? Who cares for me? Dornton. Where is the vile-(Calling.) Mr Smith! Thomas! William!
Enter MR. SMITH. Call all the servants together, Mr. Smith; clerks, footmen, maids, every soul. Tell them their young master is a scoundrel.
Mr. Smith. Very well, sir.
Dornton. Sir! (His anger recurring.) Bid them shut the door in his face. I'll turn the first away that let's him set foot in this house ever again. Mr. Smith. Very well, sir.
Dornton. Very well, sir? D-n your very well, sir. I tell you it is not very well, sir. He shall starve, die, rot in the street. Is that very well, sir? [Exeunt Mr. Dornton and Mr. Smith. Sulky. He has a noble heart. A fond father's heart. The boy was a fine youth; but he spoiled him; and now he quarrels with himself and all the world, because he hates his own folly. (Distant knocking heard at the street door.) So! here is the Where is he? youth returned. (Knocking again.) [L.cit.
Dornton. Well, Mr. Sulky, have you heard any Sulky. Yes. [thing of him? Dornton. And, eh? (Excessively impatient.) Any thing consoling, any thing good? Sulky. No.
No, say you? What is he about?
Sulky. I don't know. Dornton. Don't? You love to torture me, sir! You love to torture me. Sulky. Humph!
[heard. Dornton. For heaven's sake, tell me what you have Sulky. I love to torture you.
Dornton. Put me out of my pain. If you are not a tiger, put me out of my pain.
Sulky. (Reluctantly drawing a newspaper out of his pocket.) There! read
Dornton. Mercy defend me!
Sulky. The first paragraph in the postscript: the beginning line in capitals.
Dornton. (Reads.) The junior partner of the great banking-house, not a mile from the Post-office, has again been touched at Newmarket, for upwards of ten thousand pounds! (Pause.) It can't be.
Dornton. Why, can it? Sulky, Yes.
Enter MR. DORNTON, followed by Servants. Dornton. Don't stir. On your lives, don't go to the door. Are the bolts and ocks all fastened? Servants. All, sir. (Knocking.)
Dornton. Don't mind his knocking. Go to bed, every soul of you instantly, and fall fast asleep. He shall starve in the streets. (Knocking age.n.) Fetch me my blunderbuss. Make haste. [Exeunt. SCENE 11.-A Street.
Enter HARRY DORNTON, MILFORD, and
Postillions. We smoked along, your honour. Harry. (Knocks at the aor of Mr. Dornton's house.) I know you did. Had you been less free with your whips, you would have been a crown the richer. Your next step should be to turn drummers, and handle the cat-o'-nine-tails.
Postillions. It is very late, your honour. Harry. Be gone! I'll give you no more. (Knocks.) Exeunt Postillions. Dornton. (Throwing up the sash, and pres nting the blunderbuss; Mr. Sulky behind.) Knock again,
you scoundrel, and you shall have the full contents, loaded to the muzzle, rascal!
Harry. So! I suspected dad was in his tantrums.
Harry. Bad women, sir; damps, night air.
Harry. Watch-houses, pick-pockets, cut-throats. Sulky. Come, come, sir. (Shutting the window.) Milford. We shall not get in. Harry. Psha! How little do you know of my father. The door will open in less than fifteen seconds.
Milford. Done! for a hundred.
Harry. Done, done! (They take out their watches, and the door opens.) I knew you were had; double or quits we find the cloth laid, and supper on the table.
Milford. No; it won't do. [Exeunt into the house.
SCENE III-The former Apartment.
Enter HARRY DORNTON, MILFORD, and
Footman. My old master is in a bitter passion, sir.
Footman. He is gone down to turn the servant
out of doors that let you in.
Harry. Is he? Then go you and let your fellowservant in again.
Footman. I dare not, sir.
was ten times more furious.
Re-enter HARRY DORNTON.
rank and honour, having lost their fortunes, have doubly recovered them.
Harry. And very honourably?
Harry. Ha, ha, ha! Nobody, nobody. Milford. But pray, Harry, what is it you find so attractive in my late father's amorous relict?
Harry. Ha, ha, ha! What, the widow Warren? Milford. She seems to think, and even reports, you are to marry her.
Harry. Marry! her? A coquette of forty, who ridiculously apes all the airs of a girl: fantastic, selfish, and a fool. And marry? Disgusting idea! Thou wert philosophising, as we drove, on the condition of a post horse.
Harry. I would rather be a post-horse; nay, the brute that drives a post-horse, than the base thing thou hast imagined.
Milford. Then why are you so often there?
Milford. What, it is her daughter, Sophia?
Harry. Lovely, bewitching innocent!
Milford. The poor young thing is fond of you? Harry. I should be half mad, if I thought she was not; yet am obliged to half hope she is not. Milford. Why?
and, in all probability, ruined? Harry. What a question. Am I not a profligate; Not even my
father can overlook this last affair. No. Heigho! Milford. The loss of my father's will, and the mystery made of its contents by those who witnessed it, are strange circumstances.
being a bastard, and left by law to starve, she Harry. In which the widow triumphs. And you willingly pays obedience to laws so wise.
Milford. She refuses even to pay my debts. Harry. And the worthy alderman, your father, being overtaken by death in the south of France, Harry. All's well that ends well. This has been carefully makes a will, and then as carefully hides a cursed losing voyage, Milford.
Milford. I am a hundred and fifty in.
Milford. I believe I had better avoid your father for the present.
Harry. I think you had. Dad considers you as my tempter; the cause of my ruin.
Milford. And I being in his debt, he conceives he may treat me without ceremony.
Harry. Nay; d-n it, Jack, do him justice. It is not the money you had of him, but the ill advice he imputes to you, that galls him.
Milford. I hear he threatens to arrest me.
Harry. Yes; he has threatened to strike my name out of the firm, and disinherit me, a thousand times.
Milford. Oh! but he has been very serious in menacing me.
Harry. And me too.
it where it is not to be found; or commits it to the
My dear Mr. Sulky, how do you do?
Harry. Indeed! I am very sorry.
Harry. Ha, ha ha!
Sulky Ruin, bankruptcy, infamy!
Harry. What, my good cynie?
Sulky. And fashionably ruined. Harry. No; I have a father. Sulky. Who is ruined likewise.
Ilarry. Ha, ha, ha! Is the Bank of England Sky. I say, ruined. Nothing less than a miracle can save the house. The purse of Fortunatus could not supply you. [bills, paper, for me. Harry. No; it held nothing but guineas. Notes, Sulky. Such an effrontery is insufferable. For these five years, sir, you have been driving to ruin more furiously than
Harry. An ambassador's coach on a birth-night. I saw you were stammering for a simile. Sulky. Sir!
Harry. Youth mounts the box, seizes the reins,