Bruin. The devil! Heel. Chosen by yourselves, and approved of by Heel. Well, then, be silent and civil; stand back Sneak. No; she always helps me herself to the Heel. Let him come forward; we appoint him tough drum-sticks of the turkeys, and the d-d our secretary: for Simon is a scollard, and can read fat flaps of shoulders of mutton. I don't think I written hand; and so let him be respected accordhave eat a bit of under-crust since ve have been 3 Mob. Room for master Snuffle. [ingly. married. You see, brother Bruin, I am almost as thin as a lath. Bruin. An absolute skeleton! Sneak. Now, if you think I could carry my point, Bruin. By the lord Harry, she richly deserves it. Heel. Here, stand by me: and let us, neighbours, proceed to open the premunire of the thing: but first, your reverence to the lord of the manor: a long life and a merry one to our landlord, Sir Mob. Huzza! [Jacob! Huzza! Sneak. How fares it, honest Crispin? Heel. Servant, master Sneak. Let us now open the premunire of the thing, which I shall do briefly, with all the loquacity possible; that is, in a medium Sneak. Vhy, then, I vill werily pluck up a spirit! way: which, that we may the better do it, let the and the first time she offers to Mrs S. (Without.) Jerry, Jerry Sneak. Sneak. Gads my life, sure as a gun that's her woice: lookye, brother, I don't choose to breed a disturbance in another body's house; but as soon as ever I get home Bruin. Now is your time. Sneak. No, no; it vould not be decent. Sneak. I come, lovy. But you vill be sure to stand Enter SIR JACOB. Sir. J. Come, son Bruin, we are all seated at table, man; we have but just time for a snack; the candidates are near upon coming. Bruin. A poor, paltry, mean-spirited-D― it, before I would submit to such a Sir J. Come, come, man; don't be so crusty. Bruin. I follow Sir Jacob. De, when once a man gives up his prerogative, he might as well give up-But, however, it is no bread and butter of mine. Jerry! Jerry!-Zounds, I would Jerry and jerk her [Exeunt. too ACT IL SCENE I-SIR JACOB JOLLUP, MAJOR STUR- Enter Mob with HEELTAP at their head; some cry- secretary read the names of the candidates, and what they say for themselves; and then we shall know what to say of them. Master Snuffle, begin. Snuffle. (Reads.) "To the worthy inhabitants of the ancient corporation of Garratt:-Gentlemen, your votes and interest are humbly requested in favour of Timothy Goose, to succeed your late worthy mayor, Mr. Richard Dripping, in the said office, he being" Heel. This goose is but a kind of gosling, a sort of sneaking scoundrel. Who is he? Snuffle. A journeyman tailor from Putney. Heel. A journeyman tailor! a rascal! Has he the impudence to transpire to be mayor? D'ye consider, neighbours, the weight of this office? Why, it is a burden for the back of a porter; and can you think that this cross-legged cabbage-eating son of a cucumber, this whey-faced ninny, who is but the ninth part of a man, has strength to sup1 Mob. No goose! no goose! [port it? 2 Mob. A goose! 1 Mob. A mug! a mug! 2 Mob. Hear him; hear master Heeltap. Heel. Harkye, you fellow with your mouth full of Mug, let me ask you a question: bring him forward. Pray is not this Matthew Mug a victualler? 3 Mob. I believe he may. Heel. And lives at the sign of the Adam and Eve? 3 Mob. I believe he may. Heel. Now answer, upon your honour, and as you are a gentleman, what is the present price of a quart of home-brewed at the Adam and Eve? 3 Mob. I don't know. Heel. You lie, sirrah: an't it a groat? 3 Mob. I believe it may. Heel. Oh, may be so. Now, neighbours, here's a pretty rascal; this same Mug, because, d'ye see, state affairs would not jog glibly without laying a farthing a quart upon ale; this scoundrel, not contented to take things in a medium way, has had the impudence to raise it a penny. Mob. No mug! no mug! Heel. So, I thought I should crack Mr. Mug. Come, proceed to the next, Simon. Suufle. The next upon the list is Peter Primmer, the schoolmaster. Heel. Ay, neighbours, and a sufficient man: let me tell you, master Primmer is the man for my money; a man of learning, that can lay down the law; why, adzooks! he is wise enough to puzzle the parson: and, then, how you have heard him oration at the Adam and Eve of a Saturday night, about Russia and Prussia. Ecod, George Gage, the exciseman, is nothing at all to un. 4 Mob. A Primmer. Heel. Ay, if the folks above did but know him. Why, lads, he will make us all statesmen in time. 2 Mob. Indeed! Heel. Why, he swears as how all the miscarriages are owing to the great people's not learning to read. 3 Mob. Indeed! Heel. "For," says Peter, says he, "if they would but once submit to be learned by me, there is no knowing to what pitch the nation might rise." 1 Mob. Ay, I wish they would. Sneak. Crispin, vhat is Peter Primmer a candiHeel. He is, master Sneak. [date? Sneak. Lord, I know him, mun, as vell as my mother; vhy, I used to go to his lectures to Pewterers'-hall, 'long vith deputy Firkin. Heel. Like enough. a snivelling sot as your son-in-law, Sneak, to truckle and cringe, to fetch and toRe-enter JERRY SNEAK, in a violent hurry, at the garden-gate. Sneak. Vhere's brother Bruin? O Lord! brother, I have such a dismal story to tell you. Bruin. What's the matter? Sneak. Vhy, you know I vent into the garden to look for my vife and the Major, and there I hunted and hunted as sharp as if it had been for one of my minikins; but the deuce a major or madam could I see: at last a thought came into my head to look for them up in the summer-house. Bruin. And there you found them? Sneak. I'll tell you: the door vas locked; and then I looked through the key-hole: and there,Lord ha' mercy upon us! (whispers) as sure as a gun. Bruin. Indeed! Zounds, why did you not break open the door? Sneak. I durst not. Vhat! vould you have me set my vit to a soldier? I varrant the Major vould have knocked me down with one of his boots. Bruin. Very well! Pretty doings! You see, Sir Jacob, these are the fruits of indulgence. You may call me a bear, but your daughter shall never make me a beast. (Mob huzzas.) [ready? Sir J. Heyday! What, is the election over al- Heel. The ancient corporation of Garratt, in consideration of your great parts and abilities, and out of respect to their landlord, Sir Jacob, have unanimously chosen you mayor. Sneak. Me! Huzza! Good lord, who vould have thought it? But how came master Primmer to lose it? Heel. Why, Phil Flem had told the electors, that master Primmer was an Irishman; and so they Sneak Ods me, brother Bruin, can you tell me would none of them give their vote for a foreigner. vhat is become of my vife? Heel. Gad so! the candidates are coming. [Exeunt Mob, &c. Re-enter SIR JACOB JOLLUP, BRUIN, and MRS. BRUIN, through the garden-gate. Sir J. Well, son Bruin, how d'ye relish the corporation of Garratt? Bruin. Why, lookye, Sir Jacob, my way is always to speak what I think :-I don't approve on't Mrs. B. No? Sir J. And what's your objection? [at all? Sneak. So, then, I have it for certain: huzza! Now, brother Bruin, you shall see how I'll manage my madam. 'Gad, I'll make her know I am a man of authority; she sha'n't think to bullock and domineer over me. Mrs. S. (Without.) Jerry! Jerry Sneak. Then now for it; I am ready, let her come vhen she vill. Enter MRS. SNEAK, through the garden-gate. Mrs. S. Where is the puppy? Sneak. Yes, yes, she is axing for me. Mrs. S. So, sot! what is this true that I hear? Sneak. May be 'tis, and may be 'tan't: I don't Bruin. Why, I was never over fond of your May-choose to trust my affairs with a voman. Is that games; besides corporations are too serious things: they are edge-tools, Sir Jacob. Sir J. That they are frequently tools, I can readily grant; but I never heard much of their edge. [it mightily. Mrs. B. Well now, I protest I am pleased with Bruin. And who the devil doubts it? You women folks are easily pleased. Mrs. B. Well, I like it so well, that I hope to see one every year. Bruin. Do you? Why then you will be d- bit; you may take your leave, I can tell you; for this is the last you shall see. So away with you. [Exit Mrs. Bruin. Sir. J. Fie, Mr Bruin, how can you be such a bear? Is that a manner of treating your wife? Bruin. What! I suppose you would have me such right, brother Bruin? (Apart.) Bruin. Fine! don't bate her an inch. (Apart.) Mrs. S. Heyday! I am amazed! Why, what is the meaning of this? Sneak. The meaning is plain: that I am grown a man, and vill do vhat I please, vithout being accountable to nobody. Mrs. S. Why, the fellow is surely bewitched. Sneak. No; I am unvitched, and that you shall know to your cost; and since you provoke me, I vill tell you a bit of my mind; vhat, I am the husband, I hope? Bruin. That's right; at her again. (Apart.) Sneak. Yes; and you sha'n't think to hector and domineer over me as you have done: for I'll go to the club vhen I please; and stay out as late as I list; and row in a boat to Putney on Sundays; and wisit my friends at Vitsontide; and keep the key of the till; and help myself at table to vhat wittles I like; and I'll have a bit of the brown, d-n me. Bruin. Bravo, brother Sneak! the day's your own. (Apart.) Sneak. An't it? Vhy, I did not think it was in me. Shall I tell her all I know? (Apart.) Bruin. Every thing. You see she is struck dumb. (Apart.) Sneak. As an oyster. (Apart.) Besides, madam, I have something furder to tell you: ecod, if some folks go into gardens vith majors, mayhap other people may go into garrets with maids. There, I gave it her home, brother Bruin. (Apart.) Mrs. S. Why, doodle! jackanapes! harkye, who am I? Sneak. Come, don't go to call names. Am I? vhy, my vife, and I am your master. Mrs. S. My master! you paltry, puddling puppy! you sneaking, shabby, scrubby, snivelling whelp! Sneak. Brother Bruin, don't let her come near me. (Apart.) Mrs. S. Havo I, sirrah, demeaned myself to wed such a thing, such a reptile as thee? Have I not made myself a by-word to all my acquaintance? Don't all the world cry, "Lord, who would have thought it? Miss Molly Jollup to be married to Sneak; to take up at last with such a noodle as he!" Sneak. Ay, and glad enough you could catch me: you know you vas pretty near your last legs. Ms. S. Was there ever such a confident cur? My last legs! Why, all the country knows I could have picked and chosen where I would. Did not I refuse squire Ap-Griffith, from Wales? Did not counsellor Crab come a courting a twelvemonth? Did not Mr. Wort, the great brewer of Brentford, make an offer that I should keep my post-chay? Sneak. Nay, brother Bruin, she has had werry good proffers, that is certain. (Apart.) Mrs. S. My last legs!-But I can rein my passion no longer; let me get at the villain. Bruin. O fle, sister Sneak. (Holds her.) Mrs. S. Mr. Bruin, unhand me: what is it you that have stirred up these coals, then? He is set on by you to abuse me. [like a man. Bruin. Not I; I would only have a man behave Mrs. S. What! and you are to teach him, I warrant. But here comes the Major. Enter MAJOR STURGEON. Oh, Major, such a riot and rumpus! Like a man indeed! I wish people would mind their own affairs, and not meddle with matters that does not concern them-but all in good time; I shall one day catch him alone, when he has not his bullies to back him. Sneak. Adod, that's true, brother Bruin; vhat shall I do ven she has me at home, and nobody by but ourselves? (Apart.) Bruin. If you get her once under, you may do with her whatever you will. Major S. Lookye, master Bruin, I don't know how this behaviour may suit with a citizen; but were you an officer, and Major Sturgeon upon your court-martial-(Goes up to Bruin.) Bruin. What then? (Retreats) Major S. Then, why then you would be broke. Bruin. Broke! and for what? Major S. What! read the articles of war. But these things are out of your spear: points of honour are for the sons of the sword. Major S. Stop whilst you are safe, mas er Sneak! for the sake of your amiable lady, I pardon what is past, but for you-(To Bruin.) Bruin. Well. Major S. Dread the whole force of my fury. Bruin. Why lookye, Major Sturgeon, I don't much care for your poppers and sharps, because why, they are out of my way; but if you will doff with your boots, and box a couple of bouts-( erry and Bruin strip.) Major S. Box, box! Blades, bullets! Bagshot! Mrs S. Not for the world, my dear Major! oh, risk not so precious a life. Ungrateful wretches! And is this the reward for all the great feats he has done? After all his marchings, his sousings, his sweatings, his swimmings, must his dear blood be spilt by a broker? Major S. Be satisfied, sweet Mrs. Sneak; these little fracases we soldiers are subject to; trifles, bagatiles, Mrs. Sneak. But that matters may be conducted in a military manner, I will get our | chaplain to pen me a challenge. Expect to hear from my adjutant. (To Bruin. Sneak and Bruin put on their coats.) Mrs. S. Major, Sir Jacob, what, are you all leagued against his dear life? A man! yes, a very manly, action indeed, to set married people a quarrelling, and ferment a difference between husband and wife: if you were a man, you would not stand by and see a poor woman abused by a brute, you would not. Sneak. Oh, Lord, I can hold out no longer! vhy, brother Bruin, you have set her a veeping. My life, my lovy, don't veep: did I ever think I should have made my Molly to veep? (Goes up to her.) Mrs. S. Last legs, you lubberly-(Beats him.) Sir J. Oh, fie, Molly! [Sir Jacob? Mrs. S. What, are you leagued against me, Sir J. Pr'ythee don't expose yourself before the whole parish. But what has been the occasion of this? Mrs. S. Why, has he not gone and made himself the fool of the fair. Mayor of Garratt, indeed, ecod, I could trample him under my feet. Sneak. Nay, vhy should you grudge me my purfarment? Mrs. S. Did you ever hear such an oaf? Why, thee wilt be pointed at wherever thee goest. Lookye, Jerry, mind what I say; go get 'em to choose somebody else, or never come near me again. Sneak. Vhat shail I do, father, Sir Jacob? Sir J. Nay, daughter, you take this thing in too serious a light; my honest neighbours thought to compliment me: but come, we'll settle the business at once. I'll get Crispin Heeltap to be his locum tenens. Sneak. Do, Crispin; do be my locum tenens. Heel. Master Sneak, to oblige you I will be locum tenens. [Exit. Sneak. Forget and forgive, Major. Major S. Freely. Nor be it said, that after all my toil, you I dedicate boots, sword, and shieldSir J. As harmless in the chamber as the field, A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS.-BY THOMAS HOLCROFT. Mr. Smith. Sir. Enter MR. SMITH. Dornton. Is Mr. Sulky come in? Dornton. And you don't know where he is gone? Mr. Smith. He did not tell me, sir. Dornton. (Angrily.) I ask you if you know? Mr. Smith. I believe to Newmarket, sir. Dornton. You always believe the worst. I'll sit up no longer. Tell the servants to go to bed. And, do you hear, should he apply to you for money, don't let him have a guinea. MR. SMITH. TRADESMEN, &c. WIDOW WARREN. Mr. Smith. Very well, sir. SOPHIA. MRS. LEDGER. JENNY. Dornton. I have done with him; he is henceforth no son of mine. Let him starve. Mr. Smith. He acts very improperly, sir, indeed. Dornton. Improperly! How? What does he do? (Alarmed.) Mr. Smith. Sir! Dornton. Have you heard anything of Mr. Smith. (Confused.) No, no, sir, nothing; nothing but what you yourself tell me.." Dornton. Then how do you know he has acted improperly? Mr. Smith. He is certainly a very good-hearted young gentleman, sir. [an assertion? Dornton. Good-hearted! How dare you make such Mr. Smith. Sir! Dornton. How dare you, Mr. Smith, insult me so? Is not his gaming notorious? his racing, driving, riding, and associating with knaves, fools, debauchees, and black legs? Mr. Smith. Upon my word, sir, I— Dornton. But it's over. His name has this very day been struck out of the firm. Let his drafts be returned. It's all ended. (Passionately.) And, observe, not a guinea. If you lend him any yourself, I'll not pay you. I'll no longer be a fond, doating father. Therefore take warning. Take warning, I say. Be his distress what it will, not a guinca: though you should hereafter see him begging, starving in the streets, not so much as the loan or the gift of a single guinea. (With great passion.) Mr. Smith. I shall be careful to observe your orders, sir. Dornton. Sir! (With terror.) Why, would you see him starve; Would you see him starve, and not lend him a guinea? Would you, sir? Would you? Mr. Smith. Sir! Certainly not, except in obedience to your orders. Dornton. (With amazement and compassion.) And could any orders justify your seeing a poor unfortunate youth, rejected by his father, abandoned by his friends, starving to death? Mr. Smith. There is no danger of that, sir. Dornton. I tell you the thing shall happen. He shall starve to death. (With horror at the supposition.) I ll never look on him more as a son of mine; and I am very certain, when I have forsaken him, all the world will forsake him too. (Almost in tears.) Yes, yes; he is born to be a poor wretched outcast. Mr. Smith. I hope, sir, ho still will make a fine man. Dornton. Will! There is not a finer, handsomer, nobler looking youth in the kingdom; no, not in the world. Mr. Smith. I mean a worthy good man, sir. Dornton. How can you mean any such thing? The company he keeps would corrupt a saint. Mr. Smith. Sir, if you will only tell me what your pleasure is, I will endeavour to act like a faithful servant. Dornton. I know you are a faithful servant, Mr. Smith. (Takes his hand.) I know you are; but you -you are not a father. [Exit Mr. Smith. Dornton. Is not his name struck off the firm? Dornton. What the effect of such a paragraph may be, I cannot tell. Sulky. I can; ruin. Dornton. Are you serious, sir? Sulky. I am not inclined to laugh. A run against the house, stoppage, disgrace, bankruptcy! Dornton. Really, Mr. Sulky, you Sulky. Yes, I know I offend. I was bred in your house, you used me tenderly, I served you faithfully, and you admitted me a partner. Don't think I care for myself: no; I can set at the desk again: but you, you; first man of the first commercial city on earth! your name in the Gazette? Were it mine only, I would laugh at it. What am I? Who cares for me? Dornton. Where is the vile-(Calling.) Mr Smith! Thomas! William! Enter MR. SMITH. Call all the servants together, Mr. Smith; clerks, footmen, maids, every soul. Tell them their young master is a scoundrel. Mr. Smith. Very well, sir. Dornton. Sir! (His anger recurring.) Bid them shut the door in his face. I'll turn the first away that let's him set foot in this house ever again. Mr. Smith. Very well, sir. Dornton. Very well, sir? D-n your very well, sir. I tell you it is not very well, sir. He shall starve, die, rot in the street. Is that very well, sir? [Exeunt Mr. Dornton and Mr. Smith. Sulky. He has a noble heart. A fond father's heart. The boy was a fine youth; but he spoiled him; and now he quarrels with himself and all the world, because he hates his own folly. (Distant knocking heard at the street door.) So here is the Where is he? youth returned. (Knocking again.) [E.cit. Enter MR. SULKY. Dornton. Well, Mr. Sulky, have you heard any Sulky. Yes. [thing of him? Dornton. And, eh? (Excessively impatient.) Any thing consoling, any thing good? Sulky. No. Dornton. No? No, say you? What is he about? Sulky. I don't know. Enter MR. DORNTON, followed by Servants. Dornton. Don't stir. On your lives, don't go to Dornton. Don't? You love to torture me, sir! the door. Are the bolts and locks all fastened? You love to torture me. Servants. All, sir. (Knocking.) Dornton. Don't mind his knocking. Go to bed, every soul of you instantly, and fall fast asleep. He shall starve in the streets. (Knocking again.) Fetch me my blunderbuss. Make haste. [Exeunt. SCENE 11.-A Street. Enter HARRY DORNTON, MILFORD, and Postillions. We smoked along, your honour. Harry. (Knocks at the aor of Mr. Dornton's horse.) I know you did. Had you been less free with your whips, you would have been a crown the richer. Your next step should be to turn drummers, and handle the cat-o'-nine-tails. Postillions. It is very late, your honour. Harry. Be gone! I'll give you no more. (Knocks) Exeunt Postillions. Dornton. (Throwing up the sash, and pres nting the blunderbuss; Mr. Sulky behind.) Knock again, |