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gain by it, offers to well-nigh double our it a safer plan than buying. The coachman, fortune for a paltry ten shillings a share, selected by Colonel De Crespin, and our and you fly in the face of Providence and James were in new and handsome liveries, kick fifty thousand pounds into somebody's which Mrs. Gummer warned them to take lap who has the feelings that a father of a care of, and never to wear indoors. family ought to have, if he is one.”

The first drive in one's carriage is a real I was so pestered about The Manitoulin pleasure. Keeping a carriage puts one above Company (Limited), that I spoke to Mr. the millions who don't, and is a certificate Floater. I told him that I would not incur of social importance. It is also a genuine any liability, but I would take fifty fully comfort. You can go where you like, when paid-up shares if there were any to be had. you like, and stop out as long as you like, Mr. Floater accommodated me. Samuel with nothing extra to pay. The only drawWilkins, Esq.-who, I afterwards learnt, was back to our perfect enjoyment was the Mr. Floater's late servant-sold me fifty fierce way in which the cattle were pulled shares at par. Six months afterwards I wanted up, and the awkwardness of James. He to sell, but could not find a purchaser; and climbed up and down as if he had never in nine months The Manitoulin Diamond done it before—as he had not. Fields and Gold Quartz Crushing Com- “That boy will tear his new livery, and pany (Limited) was wound up in Chan- be under the horses' feet; and we shall have cery, and the shareholders who could pay to pension his mother.” had to meet a call of three pounds per share. Mrs. Gummer jerked the check-string, I lost two hundred and fifty pounds, and and told James to mind what he was about, many families were beggars. If I were in and to practise getting up and down when Parliament, I would propose to alter the the horses were out of the carriage. preamble of the Limited Liability Act, and Fortunately for the horses—I mean the to describe it as an act to assist rascally cattle—we had a family dinner party at schemers in deceiving and plundering the seven, or our first drive might have lasted public. Mrs. Gummer was very vexed about till midnight. The De Crespins were to dine our loss, and I told her how much worse it with us, and the dinner was to be sent in might have been

from the pastrycook's. It went off without Really, Gummer, my temper can't stand a hitch. Mrs. Gummer and I were in spirits your aggravation. Do I deny that if you far above proof. Hitherto, in spite of their were a stone-blind idiot, that unhung thief cordiality, we had been rather stiff and fidFloater might have brought us down to gety with the De Crespins. Perhaps it was a back garret? But if a man has broken the ride in our own splendid carriage that his leg, and is suffering tortures, what com- caused us to feel at least their equals. If the fort is it to tell him that he might have De Crespin blood had been new as wine in broken his neck ?”

the wood, instead of old as a guinea a bottle

port, we could not have been more free and CHAPTER XIV.

social.

The Colonel was unusually jolly. He “ UMMER, if there is anything that had seen a place that would suit the young

makes every inch of one's body feel people, the lease of which was to be bought in eider-down and beautiful, this is it." for £ 500. The term was short, but in a

It was the first ride in our own carriage, few years Max might want a larger place. built by a crack builder, on the recommen- This remark was the signal for a little laugh dation of Colonel De Crespin. The figure all round, and a blush for Janet. in the bill was heavy, but the vehicle was The ladies were talking about dress, and not dear; for, as Mrs. Gummer remarked, Janet being presented. The Colonel told "the painting is far finer then any of the me the presentation was a plot to reduce pictures at Hampton Court, the linings are my banker's balance. Mrs. De Crespin said fit for a palace, and the springs would go the Colonel was to be the victim, as she had over the moon itself without a jolt.” The determined he was to pay for the presentaharness was silver-plated. The cattle tion dress. There was a loud laugh, in which swells always call carriage horses cattle-- the Colonel joined, and Max said that it was were contracted—that is, hired by the a beautiful sell for the governor. advice of Colonel De Crespin, who thought I was sipping a glass of claret, when Jones

ARRIVAL OF MR. SPARKES.

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came in, and whispered to Mrs. Gummer. white hair, curling up at the back. Farquhar Up she jumped, and exclaimed

bought Fonthill Abbey. “Gummer, young lawyer Sparkes is back, and is in the drawing-room.”

Old Luke White told me he had proI was startled, and went hot and cold in perty in every one of the Irish counties but a second.

two. “Shall we ask him in, my dear?”

Certainly not, Gummer," said the Colonel. I knew Sir William Gell in Rome - a “Leave us with your wine, and you go and dreadful talker. We went round the Roman look after the lawyer."

sights one day with Sir Walter Scott, who “Gummer, its mints and banks of money, was inclined to be most entertaining, but Gell and perhaps the Colonel will help us in the would not let him say a word the whole day. counting."

Mrs. Gummer supposed that Sparkes had There are two titles in Ireland which were brought the fortune in sovereigns.

“made" by smuggling. The Colonel smiled, and said,

“I don't think I shall be wanted; but we I was once presented to George IV. at are a united family, and I am at your ser- the Dublin Levée, and heard him swearing vice in case of need."

as I bowed “Come with us, Colonel," I replied. “We "It was d-d stupid-d-d stupid of have no secrets from you.”

him." The Colonel finished his glass of claret,

The chamberlain had omitted something. and offered his arm to Mrs. Gummer. I followed them into the drawing-room.

I often heard Mrs. Siddons read. The

effect was rather grotesque : the holding a MR. DILLY'S TABLE TALK. large pair of spectacles in one hand—which

she put on and off occasionally—and her HIS week I introduce a few more of book in the other.

THthe wquaint sayings of my good old

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friend, Mr. James Dilly. The reader will I knew Lady Morgan very well. She told trace the vein of quiet fun running through me once of a ridiculously affected excuse many of these interesting recollections of a sent by Grattan for not dining with herpast generation :

“He had just heard of Benjamin Constant's

being arrested!" Mr. Dilly's account of Grattan's easy flowing talk quite accorded with Rogers' notes. I once saw the eccentric Lord Coleraine

“So, you live in the town of Drogheda," who, when he was bowed to, used to take said Grattan to him one day. “A good off the hat of the person next him. meat market there?” “Yes, sir.”

Ries, Beethoven's only pupil, was my “And a good fish market?"

master. He told me that he once went to “Excellent."

Monzani and Hill's, the well-known music“Then I presume you have a consider- sellers of the day, to get some of Beethoable number of clergy of the Established ven's music for Beethoven himself. He was Church resident there?

obliged to pay for it. They said

“We charge Mr. Beethoven just as we do Grattan explained Flood's failure by the any one else." subject the India Bill — with which the Yet these people had made a fortune out House was familiar. “Then, too, he rose of Beethoven's works. Ries insisted on a suddenly, when many of the men had gone receipt to show. He said he did all he out to eat; and they all came crowding in could to prevent Beethoven's coming to in a body, which frightened him.”

England, for he knew he never would get

on with the people here. I once dined in company with Warren Hastings, Warren Angelo, and “Farquhar Tamburini often spoke to me of the exthe Miser," as he was called. Hastings was cellent musical taste of the Queen: of her an old man, broad and full-faced, with long going over to the piano to ask why he and

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Lablache had transposed such a duet--this ton, the Surgeon-General, from a rather without seeing the music.

talkative lady, who was given to laying down

the law. He spoke of her kindly. Tommy Moore told me he knew the “She considers you,” I said, "the second Godwins very well. They were queer, best physician in Ireland.” strange people: would give parties when He looked rather taken back. they were not on speaking terms-never ad- For," I added, "she looks on herself as dressing each other the whole night. God the first." win had a list of the company hung up at the mantelpiece; and, as each guest entered,

I have seen old Louis XVIII, eating. It he went over and struck the name out. was disgusting. He was limited at break

fast to twelve chops! I was once at a party given by a wealthy Jewish lady, well known for her charities. At Rome. I once gave a dinner party, Cardinal Wiseman was there; and the hostess at which were the ex-Queen of Denmark asked Mrs. W-wife of a Conservative and Mezzofanti, the linguist. There are Minister, would she like to be presented to many stories of his wonderful powers, and the Cardinal. The lady refused almost with no doubt much exaggeration; but this I can horror, and went off into a violent tirade vouch for. She was quoting some lines against Popery.

from a Danish poet, when Mezzofanti said“Well," said the hostess, “we are only "Are you sure it runs so?” Jews, you know; so you must forgive us if He then gave the correct version. we don't understand how Christians feel about these matters."

I knew the late Lord Guillamore, the faceA fine rebuke.

tious Chief Baron O'Grady. Some of his

sayings were excellent: as when he heard My friend Dilly excelled in little sketches that some spendthrift barristers, friends of almost too frail to bear transferring to print: his, were appointed to be Commissioners of as his little outline of the late Bishop of Insolvent DebtorsIat Ella's morning concert, who slept

“At all events, th' insolvents can't comprofoundly all through, but at the end woke plain of not being tried by, their peers!" up, and was heard blandly assuring the leading players that "it was the finest music

Also his sarcastic judgment when two of he had ever heard.”

his brethren differed from each other

“I agree with my brother for the The Irish nobleman with the strong

reasons given by my brother Mbrogue, which he wished to refine: “Let me send you a little beacon with

In the same court, I once heard a Registrar administer the oath to a witness with the

following variationApropos of this dish comes the story of

“The truth, the whole truth, and nothing Lady N

di parvenue, who affected to be at all but the truth." surprised and delighted when was set be

I knew the Edgeworths - Maria, her fore her, as though she had seen it for the first time.

brother, and father - very well. Richard “Oh, I so like it! Do, my lord, let us

Edgeworth, when a good story was told, have a bacon for dinner to-morrow.'

would call out

“Ştop – stop — wait till Maria comes

down.' I was at the Opera one night when Queen Caroline went in state. The Prince was

Maria kept a sort of repository, in which

she “booked” such things. there also, but at the opposite side of the house. Whitbread came in ostentatiously to

READY- MONEY MORTIBOY. - This Novel pay his homage-a fine, portly-looking man,

was commenced in No, 210, and can be obtained so stately; also Brougham. There was pro- through all Booksellers, or by post, from the Office digious shaking of hands and welcome. direct on receipt of stamps.

Terms of Subscription for ONCE A Week, free by

post:- Weekly Numbers for Six Months, 5s, 5d.; I once brought an introduction to Cramp- Monthly Parts, 55. 8d.

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NEW SERIES.

No. 224.

April 13, 1872.

Price ad.

A MATTER-OF-FACT STORY.

READY-MONEY MORTIBOY.

I left school. My appetite is becoming serious and embarrassing. The wind,' as Mr. Sterne very prettily said, though King David gene

rally gets the credit of it, 'is tempered to CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SEVENTH.

the shorn lamb.' My experience is, that his AVING-STONES appetite does not suit itself to his circum

become hard after stances. Hang it, I must have some breakwalking about on fast, and as well now as in an hour's time." them for twenty- He walked through the Temple into Fleetfour hours or so, no street. In the window of a modest-looking doubt," Frank said coffee-house, an impracticable china tea-pot, to himself as he surrounded by freshly cut chops and rashers strolled along the of ham, gave notice to hungry men that Embankment, and breakfast was to be had within.

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looked in vain for Frank took a seat in a box near the door,

a seat. A police- and ordered his meal; ate it with the greatest man passed him. relish, and wondered if Dick Mortiboy was “Now, who would up, and whether he would be surprised if

be a bobby?" he his cousin failed to keep his appointment R thought. "What an with him.

“ awful time of it they Then he took up that wonderful chronicle, must have. Yet I the advertisement sheet of the Times. Order might put on the in disorder, if you happen to know where blue. I suppose I to look for things. Frank did not; so he could procure a no- looked at every page but the right before mination. I might his eye caught the columns of Wanteds and

come down to that, Want Places. He read the list-the conand yet be No; a gentleman drives tents of which everybody knows perfectly a Hansom, or he enlists as a soldier, but well

, because it never alters—with the cunobody ever heard of a gentleman in the riosity of one interested. He was struck, of police force. Officers, it is true; but even a course, with that coincidence of people admetropolitan magistrate has never yet com- vertising for a place in terms that exactly plimented them on their gentlemanlike de- suit the apparent requirements of people meanour in the box. Prejudices are queer advertising for a person. Everybody has things. I confess—though I haven't many noticed this peculiarity, and the novelists left I have an objection to the force. have made an especially good thing out of it. Francis Melliship, you must aim higher than “Why don't they read this paper, apply

He sent a bit of flint skimming over for the vacant places, and save their money?" the river wall.

was his reflection. He pulled out his watch. It had stopped Any number of cooks and clerks were at half-past six. The key was at Islington. wanted by advertisers; any number of "genHe looked up at the clock tower. It was tlemen," possessed of every possible qualifi

cation, advertised for employment for time, "A quarter to nine. I am getting hungry capital, or both.

Remarkable thing. I do not re- There was not in the list one advertisemember being hungry before nine a.m. since ment which seemed to fit his case. Stay,

a quarter to nine.

again.

VOL. IX.

NO. 224

Fond of children.

Age 24.

street.

there was one-a secretary was wanted for Transparent traps to catch half-crowns. an established public company.

“A know- The sun shines through a ruse so clumsy. ledge of the Fine Arts absolutely requisite. Very likely. But people won't see it. A Preference will be given to a graduate of proportion of the applicants—large enough Oxford or Cambridge.” Frank wrote down to made the game at least remunerativethe address in his pocket-book. It was an pay their half-crowns in the certain assurAgency; and Frank Melliship had neither ance of getting a Mary exactly like the one heard, nor read, nor learned from experience, who was so unfortunately ravished from that of all the humbugs in a city full of them, their grasp. Of course, they never get her. Agencies of all sorts are the greatest hum- Then the fool-trap is baited afresh. bugs. And the very cream of these swindles Now, multiply Mrs. —'s humble halfare Agencies that rob those poor wretches crown by eight. That makes a sovereign. who, having tried every other method of The fee is one sovereign. Divide the numgetting employment, as a last resource enter ber of applicants by any numeral you think one of these spiders' dens. I will give an will give you the truth as the result of this

. example of their common method of proce- sum in simple division, and you will know dure, which is representative. I will take a. how much Mr. — who flies at higher Servants' Agency to serve my purpose. game, gets by his profession of not finding

Here is a copy of an advertisement from places for secretaries, clerks, ushers, and the the Times. You may see one similarly catch- rest, who want employment in this great ing any day and every day:

city ;-always remembering that his most GENERAL SERVANT. Is a good PLAIN frequent quarry is the broken man who

to washing.

knows neither trade nor profession, but must active, willing, and obliging: Waits well at tales. 33 years' like young Frank Melliship, are ruined; but

From the country., Clean, have a gentlemanlike occupation: men who, . Wages £Mary," Mrs.

who, unlike him, have no friend. Hundreds This advertisement appears in the Times, of these men have given a sovereign out of

on the

last or to the Agent, and day. The advertisements cost m. saye same received iwo retuhtes. teen shillings altogether.

To find these men who want work and Now, how many poor innocent ladies do can't get it, who deserve well—yet, asking you think apply to Mrs. for that do- bread, receive stones: here is a field for mestic treasure? —poor women who have charity! large families and little means; who can only afford to keep one servant; and perhaps, Now let us return to Frank Melliship. ever since they were first married, have been I have not called him the hero of my wanting that clean, willing country girl who story, because he has done nothing heroicwill cook the dinner, and nurse the children, because he seems to stand in the way of and all well for nine pounds a-year, and his own success; and, with that noble object have never found her. How many? I he has in view, to be wasting precious time should not like to say.

only to earn an indifferent living. Do you think there ever was such a Why does he not apply to John Heath“ Mary"?

cote? Why will he not be helped by his Never.

superlatively rich cousin, Dick Mortiboy? Apply to the advertiser. You may write I will tell you why, for I must paint him as to her, or go and see her. If the latter, she he was. He was on his mettle: it was a point will smile affably, and tell you—what she of pride: determined to show his inde

, : will tell you in a letter if you write to her- pendence of all those who, as he thought, that it is most unfortunate, because some ought to have saved his father from ruin, body has just engaged that particular madness, and death. “Mary." On payment, however, of a fee “I will do without them. The world is of half a crown, your name will be placed wide. Energy overcomes all difficulties. on the books of the Agency, and you will, Labor omnia vincit.” doubtless—say in a week or two—be re- Boys' copybook rubbish. It does not. RES warded by having such another phonix of OMNIA VINCIT. It is capital that conquers domestic servants transferred to your own all things, from a kingdom up to a woman. kitchen.

“ To London and to Art.” He had

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