Jarvis. You have no friends, Mr. H. Well; from my acquaintance then ? Jarvis. [Pulling out Bills.] A cards of compliment, that's all. tailor; this from your mercer; tle broker, in Crooked Lane. at a great deal of trouble to get borrowed. few of our usual This bill from your and this from the litHe says he has been back the money you Mr. H. That I don't know; but I'm sure we were at a great deal of trouble in getting him to lend it. Jarvis. He has lost all patience. Mr. H. Then he has lost a very good thing. Jarvis. There's that ten guineas you were sending to the poor gentleman and his children in the Fleet. I believe that would stop his mouth, for a while at least. Mr. H. Ay, Jarvis, but what will fill their mouths in the mean time? Must I be cruel because he happens to be importunate; and, to relieve his avarice, leave them to insupportable distress? Jarvis. 'Sdeath, sir! the question now is how to relieve yourself. Yourself! hav'n't I reason to be out of my senses, when I see things going at sixes and sevens? Mr. H. Whatever reason you may have for being out of your senses, I hope you'll allow that I'm not quite unreasonable for continuing in mine. Jarvis. You're the only man alive in your present situation that could do so-Every thing upon the waste. There's Miss Richland and her fine fortune gone already, and upon the point of being given to your rival. Mr. H. I'm no man's rival. Jarcis. Your uncle in Italy, preparing to disinherit you; your own fortune almost spent; and nothing but pressing creditors, false friends, and a pack of drunken servants, that your kindness has made unfit for any other family. Mr. H. Then they have the more occasion for being in mine. Jarvis. Soh! What will you have done with him, that I caught stealing your plate, in the pantry? In the fact;-I caught him in the fact. Mr. H. Then pay him his wages, and turn him off. Jarvis. He shall be turned off at the Old Bailey, the dog; we'll hang him, if it be only to frighten the rest of the family. Mr. H. No, Jarvis: it's enough that we have lost what he has stolen; let us not add to it the loss of a fellow creature! Jarvis. Very fine; well, here was the footman just now, to complain of the butler; he says he does most work, and ought to have most wages. Mr. H. That's but just; though, perhaps, here comes the butler to complain of the footman. Enter BUTLER, drunk. Butler. Sir, I'll not stay in the family with Jonathan; you must part with him, or part with me, that's the ex-ex-exposition of the matter, sir. Mr. H. Full and explicit enough. But what's his fault, good Philip? Butler. Sir, he's given to drinking, sir, and I shall have my morals corrupted, by keeping such company. Mr. H. Ha! ha! very pleasant Jarvis. O, quite amusing! Butler. I find my wines a going, sir; and liquors don't go without mouths, sir ;-I hate a drunkard, sir. Mr. H. Well, well, Philip, I'll hear you upon that another time, so go to bed now. Jarvis. To bed! Let him go to the devil. Butler. Begging your honour's pardon, and begging your pardon, master Jarvis, I'll not go to bed, nor to the devil neither. I have enough to do to mind my cellar. I forgot, your honour, Mr. Croaker is below. I came on purpose to tell you. Mr. H. Why didn't you show him up, blockhead } Butler. Show him up, sir? With all my heart, sir. Up, or down, all's one to me. [Exit. Jarvis. Ay, we have one or other of that family in this house from morning till night. He comes on the old affair, I suppose. The match between his son, that's just returned from Paris, and Miss Richland, the young lady he's guardian to. Mr. H. Perhaps so.-Mr. Croaker, knowing my friendship for the young lady, has got it into his head, that I can persuade her to what I please. Jarvis. Ah! if you loved yourself but half as well as she loves you, we should soon see a marriage, that would set all things to rights again. Mr. H. Love me! Sure, Jarvis, you dream.-No, no; her intimacy with me never amounted to more than friendship-mere friendship. That she is the most lovely woman that ever warmed the human heart with desire, I own: But never let me harbour a thought of making her unhappy, by a connexion with one so unworthy her merits as I am. No, Jarvis, it shall be my study to serve her, even in spite of my wishes ;and to secure her happiness, though it destroys my own. Jarvis. Was ever the like!-I want patience! Mr. H. Besides, Jarvis, though I could obtain Miss Richland's consent, do you think I could succeed with ber guardian, or Mrs. Croaker, his wife; who, though both very fine in their way, are yet a little opposite in their dispositions, you know. Jarvis. Opposite enough, Heaven knows: the very reverse of each other; she all laugh, and no joke; he always complaining, and never sorrowful;-a fretful poor soul, that has a new distress for every hour in The four and twenty Mr. H. Hush, bush, he's coming up, he'll hear you! Jarvis. A raven, that bodes nothing but mischief; a coffin and cross bones; a bundle of rue; a sprig of deadly nightshade; a [HONEYWOOD stopping his mouth at last, pushes him off. [Exit JARVIS. Mr. H. I must own my old monitor is not entirely wrong. There is something in my friend Croaker's conversation that quite depresses me. His very mirth is an antidote to all gaiety, and his appearance has a stronger effect on my spirits than an undertaker's shop.--Mr. Croaker, this is such a satisfaction Enter CROAKER. Croak. A pleasant morning to Mr. Honeywood, and many of them.-How is this?-You look most shockingly to-day, my dear friend. I hope this weather does not affect your spirits. To be sure, if this weather continues-I say nothing-But God send we be all better this day three months. Mr. H. I heartily concur in the wish, though I own, not in your apprehensions. Croak. May be not; Indeed what signifies what weather we have in a country going to ruin like ours? -Taxes rising, and trade falling.-Money flying out of the kingdom, and Jesuits swarming into it. I know at this time, no less than a hundred and twentyseven Jesuits between Charing Cross, and Temple Bar! Mr. H. The Jesuits will scarce pervert you or me, I should hope. Croak. May be not; Indeed, what signifies whom they pervert, in a country that has scarce any religion to lose? I am only afraid for our wives and daugh ters. Mr. H. I have no apprehensions for the ladies, I assure you. Croak. May be not. Indeed, what signifies whether they be perverted or no? The women, in my time, were good for something. I have seen a lady dressed from top to toe in her own manufactures formerly. But now-a-days, the devil a thing of their own manufactures about them, except their faces. Mr. H. But, however these faults may be practised abroad, you don't find them at home, either with Mrs. Croaker, Olivia, or Miss Richland. Croak. The best of them.will never be canonized for a saint when she is dead.-By the bye, my dear friend, I don't find this match between Miss Richland and my son, much relished, either by one side or the other. Mr. H. I thought otherwise. Croak. Ah, Mr. Honeywood, a little of your fine serious advice to the young lady might go far: I know she has a very exalted opinion of your understanding. Mr. H. But would not that be usurping an authority, that more properly belongs to yourself. Croak. My dear friend, you know but little of my authority at home. People think, indeed, because they see me come out in the morning thus, with a pleasant face, and to make my friends merry, that all's well within. But I have cares that would break a heart of stone.--My wife has so encroached upon every one of my privileges, that I am now no more than a mere lodger in my own house. Mr. H. But a little spirit exerted on your side might perhaps restore your authority. Croak. No, though I had the spirit of a lion! I do rouse sometimes; but what then! Always haggling and haggling. A man is tired of getting the better before his wife is tired of losing the victory. Mr. H. It's a melancholy consideration indeed, that our chief comforts often produce our greatest anxieties, and that an increase of our possessions, is but an inlet to new disquietudes. Croak. Ah, my dear friend, these were the very |