"Good-mornin'! good-mornin', Gineral!' says the Captain. "Good-morning, Captain!' replied the General. Why you are a complete walking armory, Captain!' tend that his client was dead. The Judge asked him what reason he had for believing that his client had deceased. The young limb of the law mentioned several very unsatisfactory reasons, and wound up by saying: 'And furthermore, your honor, I received a letter from him a few days Yes, Gineral, so they calls me in camp.' since, in which he stated that he was dead!' The Well, Captain,' says the General, 'I should Judge smiled, the bar smiled, and the young law-really like to know how you manage to fight all yer subsided." THIS is very well for five years old. It comes from Louisiana, where the happy mother writes: "When Willie was five years old I often amused him by taking from its shelf a 'Pictorial History of America,' showing him the illustrations, and relating the incidents they were designed to represent. One day a quantity of cotton-wool was lying near us. Willie had been busy with the snowy heap, and presently he came to my side, a paper soldier-cap on his head, a wooden sword in his hand, and the bosom of his frock-for he had not yet been advanced to the dignity of 'unmentionables'-filled with cotton. "Look, sister!' he cried, 'I am General Jackson at the Battle of New Orleans!' "General Jackson!' I exclaimed, laughing at the comical appearance he presented. 'How so, Willie ?' 666 666 your guns.' "Gineral,' answered the Captain, 'you do me proud; I'll examplify it to you immedintly.' "So, without more ado, he fired his gun right and left, laid it down before him, unslung carbine and fired direct in front, then drew bowie-knife with his right hand, with the left drew a doublebarreled pistol, fired to the right, and was in the act of half-facing to the left to fire the other barrel, when the General, almost convulsed with laughter, cried out, "Stop, stop, Captain, for Heaven's sake, stop; you'll alarm the camp! I see it now, I see it all; but, Captain, tell me what do you do with the little pistols ?' 666 "Oh, Gineral,' says the Captain, 'them's for the little Ingins.' "The redoubtable Captain was subsequently made Uncle Sam's guardian angel of live oak and other ship stuff, in East Florida, and while in that "Why,' he said, his blue eyes spreading with capacity cut such pranks before high heaven as wonder as he clapped his little hand on his well-made his brother angels sometimes laugh, and wadded chest, don't you see my cotton breastworks?' "The same dear little fellow said to his sister one night when he saw a mist around the moon: 'Oh, Eee-a pet name for her-a sadness stealing over the little uplifted face, the moon has its crown of thorns on to-night!" AND this is good for Charley, a California young ster: sometimes cry. "He, that is the Captain, 'first inventeď a gun or swivel to be carried on and fired from the back of a horse or mule; and when it was suggested by an artillery officer that the recoil would be distressing to the animal, he answered that 'it would not rekile a bit, or if it did, the rekile would be more for'ards than back'ards.' "A GREAT-UNCLE of mine, one of the early graduates of Dartmouth College, used to relate the fol 666 "Winney, the District Attorney, rode up to a tavern at the county town when Court was in ses-lowing: sion, and Charley was on the piazza ringing a bell right lustily. The lawyer was powerful hungry, and observing that the people did not go in to dinner at the first ringing of the bell, asked Charley if they rung two bells for dinner at that house. "Charley looked at the bell, and then at the lawyer, and then at the bell again; and with eyes all aglow, answered, "They ring this bell two times.'" A VERSION of the following story appeared some years since in the St. Augustine News. It has died with the News. It is "true as holy writ," and too good to be lost in oblivion: In some of the earliest days of the college, during the presidency of one of the venerable Wheelocks, it was frequently unsafe for any one to ride outside the town to any considerable distance on account of the danger of attack from hostile Indians, as well as from wild beasts, as the town was still closely hemmed in by the dense, primitive forest. But one pleasant afternoon in autumn, the venerable President was observed jogging out of the village on his little poddy black horse, on one of the thoroughfares leading into the woods; no further notice was taken of the circumstance until just before dark a noise of alarm heard in the street attracted all the citizens to see what was the matter, when, behold, the Doctor hove in sight, bending over his horse's neck, his hat off and his white hair streaming in the wind, and belaboring his horse's sides with a stout cudgel, at the same time shouting at the top of his voice, "Bear and nine cubs! bear and nine cubs!!" "As soon as he could recover his breath he hastily explained to the alarmed by-standers that at the corner of a certain corn-field, but a little dis "Some days after the corps d'armée,' led by General Gaines from Louisiana to Florida, was relieved from the log-pen in which they had been cabined and cribbed by the Seminoles, and was safely encamped at Fort King, while the valiant Captain Thistle-who, at the head of a 'gallant band of heroes bold,' had come all the way from the Opelousas-was taking his matutinal walk in the environs of the encampment, as usual, 'like Turk or Tartar, armed to the teeth,' double-bar-tance from the village, they would find the objects of reled-gun in hand, rifle-carbine slung over his shoulder, a brace of double-barreled pistols (this was before the days of revolvers), bowie-knife and tomahawk in belt, and two small pistols in the breast-pocket of his hunting-shirt, he met with General Clinch. his terror, which had disputed his further progress and for more than an hour kept him at a stand, afraid even to turn and fly. The citizens hastily armed themselves and proceeded to the well-known spot to secure the game, and avenge this outrage on the highest dignitary of the place. But no bear was to be seen; the field had been newly cleared up, and the tree tops and limbs burned on the ground; and at the corner indicated by the Doctor stood, in threatening attitude, the blackened stump of a large white birch, with those of several smaller ones immediately around it, and which, from one point of view, did indeed bear a close resemblance to the varmints in question. "Thus ended the affright, and, in the multitude of similar alarms at that day, both real and false, the affair was soon forgotten. But the President was, at the time, filling the chair of Professor of Mental Philosophy in the college, and the recitation of the senior class in this department, a few days after the above incident, chanced to be on the emotions, the particular topic of the day being the emotion of terror. As was his wont in conducting these exercises, the Doctor called upon each member, in due order, to give extempore an illustration of the emotion of terror. Accordingly, one named a ship foundered on a lee-shore, the surf beating around her, passengers and crew hanging to the bulwarks and shrieking for help, when no help could be afforded them. Another named a burning house, and a delicate female on the roof with outstretched arms, begging for succor when no ladder could be found to reach her. Some drew their illustration from the bloody scenes of savage warfare so common and so true, too, at that day; and so on, some one thing and some another, to the end of the list, except one, a lazy little wag, the youngest in the class, a mere stripling, who had never made his voice heard in that department of study; but the President, noticing an unwonted look of intelligence in his bright eye, in his very blandest tone of voice, said, "Now, George, can you give us an illustration of this emotion that will compare with those we have just heard?" "The boy instantly sprang to his feet, and hastily running his fingers through his hair to dishevel it, he bent forward and threw himself into a position, as he well knew how to do, to imitate "old prex," and, with both hands raised and fingers spread, exclaimed, with his eyes and every feature and muscle fixed as in extreme terror, "A bear and nine cubs! bear and nine cubs!!" "Even the Doctor was forced to admit that this, manner and matter included, was the best illustration of the emotion that had been given, and the poor boy's standing was not a little elevated by this his first success.' "The old gentleman immediately arose to the desk, and without opening the Bible or naming the chapter and verse of the text, said, 'Give us of your oil, for our lamps are gone out,' and merely added, 'It isn't necessary to enlarge upon this subject, brethren, the application is obvious.' It was an entire sermon of itself." OLD JACOB J was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey, and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself. An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, bought some goods at Jacob's store, when he was absent, and in crossing the river on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usual with him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle of goods and untied it to see what she had been buying. "Oh now," says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that, and that?" taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price without, however, saying where she had got them. "Oh now," says he, again, "I could have sold you those goods for so much a yard," mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "You know," says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so he went on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reached Bristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and when there the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked to examine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, the price he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile, taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill of the difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; then, coming up to him, she said, "Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the price thee mentioned ?" "Oh now, yes," says he. "Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought the goods from thy store, and, of course, under the circumstances, thee can have no objection to refund me the difference." Jacob being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circumstances, have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's first inquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods ?" instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay ?". "THE same great-uncle, before mentioned, was, THE late General John M'Niel, brother-in-law in his day, a Baptist clergyman, and was a good of President Pierce, formerly surveyor of the port deal distinguished for his gift at off-hand or ex- of Boston, talked of for Governor for New Hamptempore sermonizing, which peculiar kind of preach- shire, a prominent politician, was Major-General ing many of that persuasion, even at the present of the militia of that State, and a man of high milday, deem the only kind of preaching that is preach-itary bearing. In the war with Great Britain he ing. At a meeting of his Association once, in the had received an honorable wound in the knee that town of W, a young and aspiring brother, and caused it to be stiff during his life. Like all other not a little conceited withal, had contrived to ob- war-wounded veterans, he was proud of his scars. tain the appointment as preacher of the annual At one of his military reviews a distinguished poli sermon. Elder M, as the oldest minister in tician, who had recently risen into notice, observthe Association, was seated in the pulpit and as-ing the General's lameness, remarked: sisted in the preliminary exercises. Soon the time came for the sermon. The youngster arose, opened the Bible, read his text, and, with a great flourish, made a splurge to begin his discourse, but, after several trials, became confused and finally broke down entirely, whispering in the ear of the aged elder as he sank back on the sofa beside him, You must speak to them, Father M, I can't say a word.' "I perceive you have a stiff knee, General. How did you injure it ?" The General was piqued to think that any body should be ignorant of so memorable an event as his wound, and, looking at him with great contempt, responded: "Fell off a horse, Sir! You never read the history of your country, did you?" |