directly. He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his regiment.

Mrs. Mal. We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side.

Sir Anth. Objection!-let him object if he dare!— No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a phrensy directly. My process was always very simple-in their younger days, 'twas 'Jack, do this'; -if he demurred, I knocked him down-and if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the room.

Mrs. Mal. Ay, and the properest way, o'my conscience! -nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity.— Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations ;and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible.

Sir Anth. Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. -Well, I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to the girl;— take my advice-keep a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come [Exit Sir ANTH.

about.

Mrs. Mal. Well, at any rate I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition. She has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger-sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me!-No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her confess it.—Lucy!— Lucy!-(calls). Had she been one of your artificial ones I should never have trusted her.

Enter Lucy

Lucy. Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs. Mal. Yes, girl.—Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?

Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs. Mal. You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned

Lucy. O Gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out. Mrs. Mal. Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on.

Lucy. No, ma'am.

Mrs. Mal. So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir Lucius; but mind, Lucy-if ever you betray what you are intrusted with (unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence for ever; and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your locality. [Exit Mrs. MAL.

Lucy. Ha! ha ha!-So, my dear simplicity, let me give you a little respite-(altering her manner)-let girls in my station be as fond as they please of appearing expert and knowing in their trusts; commend me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it!-Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately (looks at a paper). For abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away with an ensign !-in money, sundry times, twelve pound twelve; gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, etc. etc. numberless !-From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas and a half.-About a quarter's pay!-Item, from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her when I found matters were likely to be discovered-two guineas and a black padusoy.—Item, from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters-which I never delivered-two guineas and a pair of buckles.-Item, from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuff-box!-Well done, simplicity!—yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe that he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece: for though not over rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune. [Exit.

ACT II. SCENE 1.

Captain ABSOLUTE's Lodgings

Captain ABSOLUTE and FAG

Fag. Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you.

Abs. And what did he say on hearing I was at Bath? Fag. Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He started back two or three paces, rapt out a dozen interjectural oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here?

Abs. Well, sir, and what did you say ?

Fag. O, I lied, sir-I forget the precise lie; but you may depend on't he got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath, in order that we may lie a little consistently.-Sir Anthony's servants were curious, sir, very curious indeed.

Abs. You have said nothing to them?

Fag. O, not a word, sir,-not a word. Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)—

him!

Abs. 'Sdeath!-you rascal! you have not trusted

Fag. O, no, sir-no-no-not a syllable, upon my veracity!-He was, indeed, a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir-devilish sly! My master (said I) honest Thomas (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors), is come to Bath to recruit-Yes, sir, I said to recruit-and whether

for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else.

Abs. Well, recruit will do-let it be so.

Fag. O, sir, recruit will do surprisingly-indeed, to give the thing an air, I told Thomas that your Honour had already inlisted five disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen billiard-markers.

Abs. You blockhead, never say more than is necessary. Fag. I beg pardon, sir-I beg pardon-But, with submission, a lie is nothing unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good current lie I always forge indorsements as well as the bill.

Abs. Well, take care you don't hurt your credit by offering too much security.Is Mr. Faulkland returned? Fag. He is above, sir, changing his dress.

Abs. Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony's and Miss Melville's arrival?

Fag. I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol. -I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming downAbs. Go, tell him I am here.

Fag. Yes, sir-(going)—I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

Abs. Well, well.

Fag. And in tenderness to my character, if your Honour could bring in the chairmen and waiters, I should esteem it as an obligation; for though I never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience to be found out.

[Exit.

Abs. Now for my whimsical friend-if he does not know that his mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him

Enter FAULKLAND

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your return.

Faulk. Yes; I had nothing to detain me when I had finished the business I went on. Well, what news since

I left you?
Lydia ?

How stand matters between you and

Abs. Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel; however, I expect to be recalled every hour.

Faulk. Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

Abs. What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? You forget that, my friend.-No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago.

Faulk. Nay then, you trifle too long-if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent.

Abs. Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side : no, no; I must prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to her, before I risk it.-Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day at the Hotel?

Faulk. Indeed I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

Abs. By Heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover!1 Do love like a man.

Faulk. I own I am unfit for company.

Abs. Am not I a lover; ay, and a romantic one too! Yet do I carry everywhere with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain!

Faulk. Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could stake and throw again :-but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed, were to be stript of all.

Abs. But, for Heaven's sake! what grounds for apprehension can your whimsical brain conjure up at present? Faulk. What grounds for apprehension, did you say?