THE ART OF PUNNING.

"PUNNATA dicuntur, id ipsum quod sunt, aliorum esse dicuntur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud referuntur."

Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have a relation to something else; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as well.

THE PHYSICAL DEFINITION OF PUNNING,
ACCORDING TO CARDAN.

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this, being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.

THE MORAL DEFINITION OF PUNNING.

Punning is a virtue that most effectually promotes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing.

N. B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms examples to the following rules:

RULE I. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift",

* Who greatly excelled in Punning; a talent which, he said, no man affected to despise, but those that were without it. He recorded the puns of several of his friends; wrote a ballad, full of puns, on the Westminster election (of which we have not been able to obtain a copy); and has given some humorous essays in that important science. N.

who said, when a lady threw down a Cremona fiddle with a frisk of her Mantua,

St.

"Mantua væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremona !" Or if you would have a more obvious reason, Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut offVid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii, p. 15000.

R. 2. The Rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my lord who puns in all com

panies.

He must have better who said, "That, as

R. 3. The Brazen Rule. assurance, like brigadierhe was passing through a street, he made up to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him, Whether it was his own hair, or a periwig? Whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest.

R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. -, who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time.

R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour after he has made them ; as Dr. and Mr. frequently do.

I remember one day I was in company with them, and, upon major saying, "That he would leave me the gout for a legacy;" I made answer, and told the company, "I should be sorry to have such a leg as he." They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had.

R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold; ex. gr. Suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, "This is a Carthaginian war."

Q. How, Sir?

A. Why, sir, it is a Pun-ick war.

R. 7. The Socratick Rule is, to instruct others by way of question and answer,

Q. Who was the first drawer?

A. Potifer.

Q. Which is the seat of the spleen?
A. The hips.

Q. Who were the first bakers?

A. The Crustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, quoth capt. Wolseley.)

Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come from?

A. Middle-sex.

Q. What part of England has the most dogs?
A. Bark-shire.

Q. From whence came the first tumblers?

A. From Somerset.

Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land?
A. The people of Cumber-land.

Q. What men in the world are the best soldiers? A. Your red-haired men, because they always carry their firelocks upon their shoulders.

Q. Why should a man in debt be called a diver? A. Because he is dipped over head and ears. Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified for hunting?

A. Because they come with a hoop and a hollow. Q. Why are presbyterians, independants, &c. said to be vermin?

A. Because they are in sects.

Q. Where were the first breeches made?

A. At Thy-atira.

Q. Who were the first gold-finders?

A. The Turditani.

Q. What part of the world is best to feed dogs in ?
A. Lap-land.

Q. What prince in the world should have a boar for his arms?

A. The duke of Tuscany.

Q. Where do the best corncutters live?

A. At Leg-horn.

Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the best racers?

A. Because their heels are given to running.

Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so much afraid of bass violins and fiddles?

A. Because they are strung with cat-cut.

Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be a tory, or vice versa, why should is gown be stripped off?

A. Because he is guilty of sham-party.

Q. How many animals are concerned in the formation of the English tongue?

A. According to Buck-anan, a great number; (viz.) cat-egorical, dog-matical, crow-nological, fleabotomy, fish-ognomy, squirril-ity, rat-ification, mouseolaum, pus-ilanimity, hare-editary, ass-tronomy, jayography, stag-yrite, duck-tility.

Q. Where were the first hams made?

A. They were made in the temple of Jupiter Hammon, by the Hamadryades*; one of them (if we may depend upon Baker's Chronicle) was sent as a present to a gentleman in Ham-shire, of the family of the Ham-iltons, who immediately sent it to Hampton court, where it was hung up by a string in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the English phrase ham-strung.

Thus did great Socrates improve the mind,
By questions useful since to all mankind;
For, when the purblind soul no farther saw,
Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law,
His method clear'd up all, enlarg'd the sight,
And so he taught his pupils with day-light,

R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most seri

→ Women of Calabria, who dealt in bacon; not nymphs of the groves, as represented by mistaken Antiquity. See a subsequent tract in this volume. N.

ous consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun; ex. gr. Suppose them poring over a problem in the mathematicks; you may, without offence, ask them, "How go squares with them?" You may say too, "That, being too intent upon those figures, they are become cycloeid, i. e. sicklyeyed; for which they are a pack of logarithms, i. c. loggerheads." Vide R. 34.

R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the
first that laughs at his own pun; as Martial advises :
Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore,
Imprimis rietum contrabat ipse suum.

"He that would move another man to laughter
Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after."

R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: sir W sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired my advice as to the management of them :

Miss-Chief, the ringleader,

Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint.
Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid.

Miss-Application, who has not done one letter in her sampler.
Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet.

Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate.

Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's needle,
Miss Chance, that broke her leg by romping.

Miss-Guide, that led the young misses in the dirt.

Miss-Laid; who left her porringer of flower and milk where the cat got it.

Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run out at heels for want of darning.

For which I sent the following Masters:

Master-Stroke, to whip them.

Master-Workman, to dress them.

Master-Ship to rig them.

Mafter-Lie, to excuse them.

Master-Wort, to purge them.

Master-Piece, to patch them.