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Then, if thou'rt graced with fair Miranda's bed,
Acteon's horns, she means, shall crown thy
head.
[Exit SIR GEO.
Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha! he is mad!
These fluttering fops imagine they can wind,
Turn and decoy to love all womankind;
But here's a proof of wisdom in my charge,
Old men are constant, young men live at large.
The frugal hand can bills at sight defray,
When he that lavish is has naught to pay.

[Exit SIR FRAN.

SCENE II.-Changes to SIR JEALOUS TRAF

FICK'S house.

Enter SIR JEALOUS, ISABINDA, and PATCH following.

Sir Jeal. What, in the balcony again, notwithstanding my positive commands to the contrary? -Why don't you write a bill on your forehead to shew passengers there's something to be let?-Isa. What harm can there be in a little fresh air, sir?

Sir Jeal. Is your constitution so hot, mistress, that it wants cooling, ha? Apply the virtuous Spanish rules; banish your taste and thoughts of flesh; feed upon roots, and quench your thirst with water.

Isa. That and a close room would certainly make me die of the vapours.

Sir Jeal. No, mistress; 'tis your high-fed, lusty, rambling, rampant ladies—that are trou- | bled with the vapours : 'tis your ratafia, persico, cinnamon, citron, and spirit of clara, cause such swimming in the brain, that carries many a guinea full tide to the doctor: but you are not to be bred this way: no galloping abroad, no receiving visits at home; for in our loose country the woinen are as dangerous as the men.

Patch. So I told her, sir, and that it was not decent to be seen in a balcony-but she threatened to slap my chops, and told me I was her servant, not her governess.

Sir Jeal. Did she so? but I'll make her to know that you are her duenna. O that incomparable custom of Spain! Why, here's no depending upon old women in my country-for they are as wanton at eighty, as a girl of eighteen; and a man may as safely trust to Asgil's translation, as to his great grandmother's not marrying again.

Isa. Or to the Spanish ladies' veils and duennas for the safeguard of their honour.

Sir Jeal. Dare to ridicule the cautious conduct of that wise nation, and I'll have you locked up this fortnight, without a peep-hole.

Isa. If we had but the ghostly helps in England which they have in Spain, I might deceive you if you did Sir, 'tis not the restraint, but the innate principle, secures the reputation and honour of our sex. Let me tell you, sir, con

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finement sharpens the invention, as want of sight strengthens the other senses, and is often more pernicious than the recreation that innocent liberty allows.

Sir Jeal. Say you so, mistress! who the devil taught you the art of reasoning? I assure you, they must have a greater faith than I pretend to, that can think any woman innocent who requires liberty; therefore, Patch, to your charge I give her; lock her up till I come back from Change. I shall have some sauntering coxcomb, with nothing but a red coat and a feather, think by leaping into her arms to leap into my estate-but I'll prevent them; she shall be only signior Babi

netto's.

Patch. Really, sir, I wish you would employ any body else in this affair; I lead a life like a dog with obeying your commands. Come, madam, will you please to be locked up?

Isa. Aye, to enjoy more freedom than he is aware of. [Aside.] [Exit with PATCH. Sir Jeal. I believe this wench is very true to my interest: I am happy I met with her, if I can but keep my daughter from being blown upon till Signior Babinetto arrives, who shall marry her as soon as he comes, and carry her to Spain as soon as he has married her. She has a pregnant wit, and I'd no more have her an English wife than the Grand Signior's mistress. [Exit.

Enter WHISPER.

Whis. So, I saw sir Jealous go out: where shall I find Mrs Patch now?

Enter PATCH.

Patch. Oh, Mr Whisper! my lady saw you out of the window, and ordered me to bid you fly, and let your master know she's now alone.

Whisp. Hush! speak softly! I go, I go! But hark ye, Mrs Patch, shall not you and I have a little confabulation, when my master and your lady are engaged?

Patch. Aye, aye; farewell.

[Goes in, and shuts the door. Re-enter SIR JEALOUS TRAFFICK, meeting WHISPER.

Sir Jeal. Sure, whilst I was talking with Mr Tradewell, I heard my door clap. [Seeing WHISPER.] Ha! a man lurking about my house! Who do you want there, sir?

Whisp. Want-want? a pox! Sir Jealous! What must I say now?

Sir Jeal. Ay, want! Have you a letter or message for any body there? O'my conscience this is some he-bawd

Whisp. Letter or message, sir?
Sir Jeal. Ay, letter or message, sir?
Whisp. No, not I, sir.

Sir Jeal. Sirrah, sirrah! I'll have you set in the stocks, if you don't tell your business immediately.

Whisp. Nay, sir, my business-is no great matter of business neither, and yet 'tis business of consequence, too.

Sir Jeal. Sirrah, don't trifle with me.
Whisp. Trifle, sir! have you found him, sir?
Sir Jeal. Found what, you rascal?

Whis. Why, Trifle is the very lap-dog my lady lost, sir! I fancied I saw him run into this house. I'm glad you've seen him-Sir, my lady will be overjoyed that I have found him.

Sir Jeal. Who is your lady, friend? Whisp. My lady Lovepuppy, sir. Sir Jeal. My lady Lovepuppy, sir! then, prithee, carry thyself to her, for I know of no other whelp that belongs to her; and let me catch you no more puppy-hunting about my doors, lest I have you prest into the service, sirrah.

Whis. By no means, sir-Your humble servant. I must watch whether he goes or no, be fore I can tell my master. [Erit WHISPER.

Sir Jeal. This fellow has the officious leer of a pimp, and I half suspect a design; but I'll be upon them before they think on me, I warrant them.

SCENE III.-CHARLES's lodgings.

[Exit.

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cursedly out of humour at his disappointment.See how he looks! ha, ha, ha!

Sir Geo. Ah, Charles! I am so humbled in my pretensions to plots upon women, that I believe I shall never have courage enough to attempt a chambermaid again—I'll tell thee

Cha. Ha, ha, ha! I'll spare you the relation by telling you-Impatient to know your business with my father, when I saw you enter I slipt back into the next room, where I overheard every yllable.

Mar. Did you, Charles? I wish I had been with you.

Sir Geo. That I said-but I'll be hanged if you heard her answer-But, prithee, tell me, Charles, is she a fool?

Cha. I never suspected her for one; but Marplot can inform you better, if you'll allow him a judge.

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Cha. Pardon me, Marplot, 'tis a secret.

Mar. A secret! aye, or ecod I would not give farthing for it. Sir George, won't you ask Charles what news Whisper brings?

Sir Geo. Not I, sir; I suppose it does not relate to me.

Mar. Lord lord! how little curiosity some people have! Now, my chief pleasure is in knowing every body's business.

Sir Geo. I fancy, Charles, thou hast some engagement upon thy hands?

Mar. Have you, Charles?

Sir Geo. I have a little business, too.
Mar. Have you, sir George?

Sir Geo. Marplot, if it falls in your way to bring me any intelligence from Miranda, you'll find me at the Thatched-house at six

Mar. You do me much honour.

Cha. You guess right, sir George; wish me success.

Sir Geo. Better than attended me.

Adieu ! [Exit SIR GEOrge.

Cha. Marplot, you must excuse meMar. Nay, nay; what need of any excuse amongst friends? I'll go with you.

Cha. Indeed, you must not.

Mar. No! then, I suppose it is a duel, and I will go to secure you.

Cha. Well, but tis no duel, consequently no danger; therefore, prithee be answered.

Mar. What, is't a mistress, then? Mum-you know I can be silent upon occasion.

Cha. I wish you could be civil, too: I tell you, you neither must nor shall go with me.Farewell! [Exit CHARLES.

Mar. Why then-I must and will follow you. [Exit.

SCENE I.

Enter CHARLES.

АСТ

Char. WELL, here's the house which holds the lovely prize, quiet and serene: here no noisy footmen throng to tell the world that beauty dwells within; no ceremonious visit makes the lover wait, no rival to give my heart a pang.— Who would not scale the window at midnight without fear of the jealous father's pistol, rather than fill up the train of a coquette, where every mninute he is jostled out of place! [Knocks softly.] Mrs Patch, Mrs Patch!

Enter PATCH.

Patch. Oh, are you come, sir? All's safe. Cha. So! in, in, then.

Enter MARplot.

Mar. There he goes! Who the devil lives here? except I can find out that, I am as far from knowing his business as ever. Gad I'll watch; it may be a bawdy-house, and he may have his throat cut. If there should be any mischief I can make oath he went in. Well, Charles, in spite of your endeavours to keep me out of the secret, I may save your life for aught I know. At that corner I'll plant myself; there I shall see whoever goes in or comes out. Gad I love discoveries. [Exit MAR.

SCENE II.

Draws, and discovers CHARLES, ISABINDA,

and PATCH.

III.

uncle's estate; that surely will support us till one of our fathers relent.

Isa. There's no trusting to that, my friend. I doubt your father will carry his humour to the grave, and mine till he sees me settled in Spain.

Cha. And can you, then, cruelly resolve to stay till that cursed Don arrives, and suffer that youth, beauty, fire, and wit, to be sacrificed to the arms of a dull Spaniard, to be immured, and forbid the sight of any thing that's human?

Isa. No; when it comes to that extremity, and no stratagem can relieve us, thou shalt list for a soldier, and I'll carry thy knapsack after thee.

Cha. Bravely resolved! the world cannot be more savage than our parents, and fortune generally assists the bold; therefore consent now: why should we put it to a future hazard? who knows when we shall have another opportunity?

Isa. Oh, you have your ladder of ropes, I suppose, and the closet window stands just where it did; and if you han't forgot to write in characters, Patch will find a way for our assignations. Thus much of the Spanish contrivance my father's severity has taught me, I thank him: though I hate the nation, I admire their management in these affairs.

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Isa. Oh! for Heaven's sake, don't go that Isa. Patch, look out sharp; have a care of way; you'll meet him full in the teeth. Oh, undad.

Patch. I warrant you.

Isa. Well, sir, if I may judge your love by your courage, I ought to believe you sincere; for you venture into the lion's den when you come

to see me.

Cha. If you'd consent whilst the furious beast is abroad, I'd free you from the reach of his paws.

Isa. That would be but to avoid one danger by running into another; like poor wretches, who fly the burning ship, and meet their fate in the water. Come, come, Charles; I fear, if I consult my reason, confinement and plenty is better than liberty and starving. I know you would make the frolic pleasing for a little time, by saying and doing a world of tender things; but, when our small substance is exhausted, and a thousand requisites for life are wanting, Love, who rarely dwells with Poverty, would also fail us.

Cha. Faith, fancy not; methinks my heart has laid up a stock will last for life; to back which I have taken a thousand pounds upon my

lucky moment!

Cha. 'Adsheart! can you shut me into no cupboard, nor ram me into a chest, ha?

Patch. Impossible, sir; he searches every hole in the house.

Isa. Undone for ever! if he sees you, I shall never see you more.

Patch. I have thought on it: run you to your chamber, madam; and, sir, come you along with me; I'm certain you may easily get down from the balcony.

Cha. My life! adieu-Lead on, guide. [Exeunt PATCH and CHA. Isa. Heaven preserve him! [Exit ISA.

SCENE III.-Changes to the street.

Enter SIR JEALOUS, with MARPLOT behind him.

Sir Jeal. I don't know what's the matter, but I have a strong suspicion all is not right within; that fellow's sauntering about my door, and his tale of a puppy, had the face of a lie, methought.

By St Iago, if I should find a man in the house,
I'd make mince-meat of him-

Mar. Mince-meat! Ah, poor Charles! how I sweat for thee! Egad he's old-I fancy I might bully him, and make Charles have an opinion of my courage. Egad I'll pluck up, and have a touch with him.

Sir Jeal. My own key shall let me in; I'll give them no warning. [Feeling for his key. Mar. What's that you say, sir?

[Going up to SIR JEAL. Sir Jeal. What's that to you, sir?

[Turns quick upon him. Mar. Yes, 'tis to me, sir; for the gentleman you threaten is a very honest gentleman. Look to't, for if he comes not as safe out of your house as he went in

Sir Jeal. What, is he in, then?

Mar. Yes sir, he is in then; and, I say, if he does not come out, I have half a dozen myrmidons hard by, shall beat your house about your ears. Sir Jeal. Ah! a combination to undo me-I'll myrmidon you, ye dog you !-Thieves! thieves! [Beats MARPLOT all the while he cries thieves. Mar. Murder! murder! I was not in your house, sir.

Enter Servant.

Ser. What's the matter, sir?

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out.

Patch. Take courage, madam; I saw him safe [Aside to ISA. Isa. Bless me! what's the matter, sir? Sir Jeal. You know best-Pray, where's the man that was here just now?

Isa. What man, sir? I saw none.

Patch. Nor I, by the trust you repose in me. Do you think I would let a man come within these doors, when you are absent?

Sir Jeal. Ah, Patch! she may be too cunning for thy honesty: the very scout, that he had set to give warning, discovered it to me—and threatened me with half a dozen myrmidons—but I think I mauled the villain. These afflictions you draw upon me, mistress!

Isa. Pardon me, sir; 'tis your own ridiculous humour draws you into these vexations, and gives every fool pretence to banter you.

Sir Jeal. No, 'tis your idle conduct, your co

Isa. And with what industry shall I avoid him!

Sir Jeal. The matter, rascal! you have let a man into my house; but I'll flea him alive. Follow me; I'll not leave a mousehole unsearched.quettish flirting into the balcony-Oh! with what If I find him, by St Iago, I'll equip him for the joy shall I resign thee into the arms of Don opera. [Exit SIR JEAL. Diego Babinetto! Mar. A deuce of his cane! there's no trusting to age-What shall I do to relieve Charles? egad I'll raise the neighbourhood.- -Murder! murder!-CHARLES drops down upon him from the balcony.] Charles! faith I'm glad to see thee safe out, with all my heart!

Cha. A pox of your bawling! how the devil came you here?

Mar. Egad it's very well for you that I was here; I have done you a piece of service: I told the old thunderbolt that the gentleman that was gone in was

atoms.

Cha. Was it you that told him, sir? [Laying hold of him.] 'Sdeath! I could crush thee into [Exit CHA. Mar. What! will you choke me for my kindness? Will my inquiring soul never leave searching into other people's affairs till it gets squeezed out of my body? I dare not follow him now for my blood, he's in such a passion. I'll to Miranda; if I can discover aught that may oblige sir George, it may be a means to reconcile me again to Charles.

Sir Jeal. [Within.] Look about! search! find him out!

Mar. Oh, the devil! there's old Crabstick again! [Exit MAR.

[Aside.

Sir Jeal. Certainly that rogue had a message from somebody or other, but, being baulked by my coming, popped that sham upon me. Come along, ye sots! let's see if we can find the dog again. Patch! lock her up, d'ye hear?

[Exit SIR JEAL. Patch. Yes, sir-Ay, walk till your heels ache; you'll find nobody, I promise you. Isa. Who could that scout be whom he talks

of?

Patch. Nay, I can't imagine, without it was Whisper.

Isa. Well, dear Patch! let's employ all our thoughts how to escape this horrid Don Diego; my very heart sinks at his terrible name.

Patch. Fear not, madam; Don Carlo shall be the man, or I'll lose the reputation of contriving; and then, what's a chambermaid good for?

Isa. Say'st thou so, my girl? then

'Let dad be jealous, multiply his cares;
"Whilst love instructs me to avoid the snares,
'I'll, spite of all his Spanish caution, show
"How much for love a British maid can do.'

[Exeunt.

SCENE IV.-SIR FRANCIS GRIPE's house. Enter SIR FRANCIS and MIRANDA meeting. Mir. Well, Gardy, how did I perform the dumb scene?

Sir Fran. To admiration-Thou dear little rogue! let me buss thee for it: nay, adad I will, Chargy, so muzzle, and tuzzle, and hug thee; I will, i'faith, I will. [Hugging and kissing her. Mir. Nay, Gardy, don't be so lavish. Who would ride post when the journey lasts for life? Sir Fran. Ah wag, ah wag! I'll buss thee again for that. Oh, I'm transported! When, when, my dear, wilt thou convince the world of the happy day? when shall we marry, ha?

Mir. There's nothing wanting but your consent, sir Francis,

Sir Fran. My consent! what does my charmer mean?

Mir. Nay, 'tis only a whim; but I'll have every thing according to form-therefore, when you sign an authentic paper, drawn up by an able lawyer, that I have your leave to marry, the next day makes me yours, Gardy.

Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha! a whim indeed! why, is it not demonstration I give my leave, when I marry thee?

Mir. Not for your reputation, Gardy; the malicious world will be apt to say you trick me into marriage, and so take the merit from my choice: now, I will have the act my own, to let the idle fops see how much I prefer a man loaded with years and wisdom.

Sir Fran. Humph! Prithee leave out years, Chargy; I'm not so old, as thou shalt find. Adad I'm young: there's a caper for ye! [Jumps.

Mir. Oh, never excuse it; why, I like you the better for being old-but I shall suspect you don't love me, if you refuse me this formality.

Sir Fran. Not love thee, Chargy! Adad I do love thee better than, than, than, better thanwhat shall I say? egad better than money; i'faith I do

Mir. That's false, I'm sure. [Aside.] To prove it, do this, then.

Sir Fran. Well, I will do it, Chargy, provided I bring a licence at the same time.

Mir. Ay, and a parson, too, if you please. Ha, ha, ha! I can't help laughing to think how all the young coxcombs about town will be mortified when they hear of our marriage!

Sir Fran. So they will, so they will; ha, ha, ha! Mir. Well, I fancy I shall be so happy with my Gardy

Sir Fran. If wearing pearls and jewels, or eating gold, as the old saying is, can make thee happy, thou shalt be so, my sweetest, my lovely, my charming, my-verily I know not what to call thee.

Mir. You must know, Gardy, that I am so eager to have this business concluded, that I have employed my woman's brother, who is a lawyer

in the Temple, to settle matters just to your liking. You are to give your consent to my marriage, which is to yourself you know: but, mum, you must take no notice of that. So then I will, that is, with your leave, put my writings into his hands; then, to-morrow, we come slap upon them with a wedding that nobody thought on, by which you seize me and my estate, and I suppose make a bonfire of your own act and deed. Sir Fran. Nay, but Chargy, if——— Mir. Nay, Gardy, no ifs

-Have I refused three northern lords, two British peers, and half a score knights, to have you put in your ifs?

Sir Fran. So thou hast indeed, and I will trust to thy management. 'Od, I'm all of a fire! Mir. 'Tis a wonder the dry stubble does not blaze. [Aside.

Enter MARPLOT.

Sir Fran. How now, who sent for you, sir? What, is the hundred pound gone already? Mar. No, sir; I don't want money, now, Gardy.

Sir Fran. No, that's a miracle! but there's one thing you want I'm sure.

Mar. Ay, what's that?

Sir Fran. Manners! What, had I no servants without?

Mar. None that could do my business, guardian, which is at present with this lady. Mir. With me, Mr Marplot! what is it, I beseech you?

Sir Fran. Ay, sir, what is it? any thing that relates to her may be delivered to me. Mar. I deny that.

Mir. That's more than I do, sir.

Mar. Indeed, madam! Why, then, to proceed: Fame says-you know best whether she lies or not-that you and my most conscionable guardian here have designed, contrived, plotted, and agreed, to chouse a very civil, honest, honourable gentleman out of a hundred pounds: Guilty or not?

Mir. That I contrived it!

Mar. Ay, you-you said never a word against it; so far you are guilty.

Sir Fran. Pray tell that civil, honest, honourable gentleman, that if he has any more such sums to fool away, they shall be received like the last; ha, ha, ha! Choused, quotha! But hark ye, let him know at the same time, that if he dare to report I tricked him of it, I shall recommend a lawyer to him shall shew him a trick for twice as much. D'ye hear? tell him that.

Mar. So, and this is the way you use a gentleman, and my friend!

Mir. Is the wretch thy friend? Mar. The wretch! look ye, madam, don't call names; egad I won't take it.

Mir. Why, you won't beat me, will you? Ha,

ha!

Mar. I don't know whether I will or no.

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