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he shall : Here will I plant myself, and through | love! Who would have given a hundred pounds my breast be shall make his passage, if he en- only to have seen a woman he had not infinitely ters.
loved ? So I find my liking him has furnished me Patch. A most heroic resolution ! there might with arguments enough of his side; and now, be ways found out more to your advantage : po- the only doubt remains whether he will come or licy is often preferred to open force.
Cha. I apprehend you not.
Enter SCENTWELL and Sir GEORGE. Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marry Scent. That's resolved, madam; for here's the ing your mistress by his own consent?
[Exit SCENTWELL. Cha. Say'st thou so, my angel? Oh, could that Sir Geo. And do I once more behold that be done, my life to come would be too short to lovely object, whose idea fills my mind, and forms recompense thee: but how can I do that, when my pleasing dreams! I neither know what ship he came in, nor from Mir. What, beginning again in heroicks !what part of Spain, who recommends him, or Sir George, don't you remember how little fruit how attended ?
your last prodigal oration produced ? Not one Patch. I can solve all this. He is from Ma- bare single word in answer. drid; his father's name Don Pedro Questo Por Sir Geo. Ha! the voice of my incognita !tento Babinetto. Here's a letter of his to sir Jea- Why did you take ten thousand ways to captilous, which he dropt one day. You understand vate a heart your eyes alone had vanquished?" Spanish, and the hand may be counterfeited.-1 Mir. Prythee, no more of these flights; for You conceive me, sir?
our time's but short, and we must fall to busiCha. My better genius! Thou hast revived my Do you think we can agree on that same drooping soul. I'll about it instantly. Come to terrible hugbear, matrimony, without heartily remy lodgings, and we'll concert matters.
penting on both sides? [Exeunt. Şir Geo. It has been my wish since first my
longing eyes beheld you. SCENE III.-A garden-gate open; SCENTWELL Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleawaiting within.
sing news I had thirty thousand pounds.
Sir Geo. Unkind! did I not offer you, in those Enter SIR GEORGE AIRY.
purchased minutes, to run the risk of your forSir Geo. So, this is the gate, and most invi- tune, so you would but secure that lovely person tingly open. If there should be a blunderbuss to my arms! here, now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall Mir. Well, if you have such love and tendermake for fools, and what a jest for the wits! ness, since our wooing has been short, pray rehow my name would be roared about the streets ! serve it for our future days, to let the world see Well, I'll venture all.
we are lovers after wedlock; 'twill be a na Scent. Hist, hist! sir George Airy- [Enters. velty.
Sir Geo. A female voice! thus far I'm safe Sir Geo. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, My dear!
and prove the envied pairScent. No, I'm not your dear; but I'll con Mlir. Hold, not so fast; I have provided betduct you to her. Give me your hand; you must ter than to venture on dangerous experiroents go through many a dark passage and dirty step headlong—My guardian, trusting to my disbefore vou arrive
sembled love, has given up my fortune to my own Sir Geo. I know I must, before I arrive at pa- disposal, but with this proviso, that he to-morradise; therefore, be quick, my charming guide. row morning weds me. He is now gone to DocScent. For aught you know.
tors Commons for a licence. your hand, and away.
Sir Geo, lla! a licence ! Sir Geo. Here, here, child; you can't be half Mir. But I have planted emissaries that infalso swift as my desires.
[Ereunt. libly take him down to Epsom, under a pretence
that a brother usurer of his is to make him his SCENE IV.—The house.
executor, a thing on earth he covets.
Sir Geo. 'Tis his known character.
Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my mad man is dying, and he sends me word he goes this self. Now, don't I transgress all rules, to ven- minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can be fure upon a man without the advice of the grave undeceived: that time is ours. and wise? But then, a rigid, knavish guardian, Sir Geo. Let us improve it then, and settle on who would have married me—to whom? even to our coming years endless, endless happiness ! his nauseous self, or nobody. Sir George is what Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the road I have tried in conversation, inquired into his then I and my writings, the most material character, and am satisfied in both. Then his point, are soon removed,
Sir Geo. I have one favour to ask: if it lies Sir Fran. No, no, hussy; you have the green in your power, you would be a friend to poor pip already; I'll have no apothecary's bills. Charles; though the son of this tenacious man,
[Goes towards the chimney. he is as free from all his vices as nature and a Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy! I have a, good education can make him; and what now I a, a, a, a, monkey shut up there; and if you open bave vanity enough to hope will induce you, he is it before the man comes that is to tame it, 'tis so the man on earth I love.
wild 'twill break all my china, or get away, and Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it that would break my heart; for I'm fond on't to on as it helped my designs on his father. If his distraction—next thee, dear Gardy! uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, which
[In a flattering tone. I shrewdly suspect, I may do him a singular piece Sir Fran. Well, well, Chargy, I won't open it; of service.
she shall have her monkey, poor rogue! Here, Sir Geo. You are all goodness.
throw this peel out of the window.
[Exit SCENT. Enter SCENTWELL.
Mar. A monkey! dear madam, let me sce it; Scent, Oh, madam! my master and Mr Mar- I can tame a monkey as well as the best of them plot are just coming into the house.
all. Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man! Mir. Vodone, undone! if he finds you here in Mir. Be quiet, mischief! and stand farther this crisis all my plots are unravelled.
from the chimney
-You shall not see iny monSir Geo. What shall I do? can't I get back key-why sure
[Striving with him. into the garden?
Mar. For Heaven's sake, dear madam ! let me Scent. O no! he comes up those stairs. but peep, to see if it be as pretty as lady Fiddle
Mir. Here, here, here! can you condescend to Faddle's. Has it got a chain? stand behind this chimney-board, sir George? Mir. Not yet, but I design it one shall last its
Sir Geo. Any where, any where, dear madam! lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it.-Look, without ceremony.
Gardy, how he teazes me ! Scent. Come, come, sir; lie close
Sir Fran. (Getting between him and the chim[They put him behind the chimney board. ney.] Sirrah, sirrah, let my Chargy's monkey
alone, or bamboo shall fly about your ears. Enter Sir Francis and MARPLOT; Sir Frano | What! is there no dealing with you. cis peeling an orunge.
Alar. Pugh, pox of the monkey! here's a rout!
I wish he may rival you. Sir Fran. I could not go, though 'tis upon
life and death, without taking leave of dear Chargy.
Enter a Servant. Besides, this fellow buzzed into my ears, that thou Ser. Sir, they have put two more horses to might'st be so desperate as to shoot that wild the coach, as you ordered, and 'tis ready at the sake which haunts the garden-gate, and that door. would bring us into trouble, dear
Sir Fran. Well, I am going to be executor; Mir. So, Marplot brought you back then? better for thee, jewel. B'ye, Chargy; one buss ! Mar. Yes, I brought him back,
- I'm glad thou hast got a monkey to divert thee Mir. I'm obliged to him for that, I'm sure.
a little. [Frowning at Marplot aside. Mir. Thank'e, dear Gardy !-Nay, I'll see you Mar. By her looks she means she's not obliged to the coach. to me. I have done some mischief now, but what, Sir Fran. That's kind, adad ! I can't imagine.
Mir. Come along, impertinence. Sir Fran. Well, Chargy, I have had three
[TO MARPLOT. messengers to come to Epsom, to my neighbour Mar. [Stepping back.] Egad, I will see the Squeezuin's, who, for all his vast riches, is depart- monkey now. [Lifts up the board, and discovers ing.
[Sighs. Sir George.) O Lord ! O Lord! Thieves ! Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must come thieves! murder!
Sir Geo. Damn ye, you unlucky dog! 'tis I, Sir Fran. Peace, you young knave! Some which way shall I get out? Shew me instantly, forty years hence I may think on't-But, Chargy, or I'll cut your throat. I'll be with thee to-morrow before those pretty Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there, eyes are open; I will, I will, Chargy; I'll rouse But hold, hold; break that china, and I'll bring you, i'faith-Here, Mrs Scentwell, lift up your you off. lady's chimney-board, that I may throw my peel [He runs off at the corner, and throws down in, and not litter her chamber.
some china.] Mir. Oh my stars ! what will become of us now?
Re-enter Sir Francis, MIRANDA, and SCENTScent. Ob, pray, sir, give it me; I love it above all things in nature; indeed I do.
Sir Fran. Mercy on me! what's the matter?
Mir. O, you toad! what have
Enter Patch. Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to forgive me: Longing to see the monkey, I did but just How do ye, Mrs Patch? What news from your lady? raise up the board, and it flew over my shoulders, Patch. That's for your private ear, madam. scratched all my face, broke yon china, and Sir George, there's a friend of your's has an whisked out of the window.
urgent occasion for your assistance. Sir Fran. Where, where is it, sirrah?
Sir Geo. His name? Mar. There, there, sir Francis, upon your Patch, Charles. neighbour Parmazan's pantiles.
Mar. Ha! then there's something a-foot that Sir Fran. Was ever such an unlucky rogue ! I know nothing of. I'll wait on you, sir George. Sirrah, I forbid you my house. Call the servants Sir Geo. A third person may not be proper, to get the monkey again. Pug, Pug, Pug! I perhaps. As soon as I have dispatched my own would stay myself to look for it, but that you affairs, I am at his service. I'll send my servant know my earnest business.
to tell him I'll wait on him in half an hour. Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it Mir. How came you employed in this mesback: all them creatures love my lady extreme-sage, Mrs Patch? ly.
Patch. Want of business, madam ; I am Mir. Go, go, dear Gardy! I hope I shall re- discharged by my master, but hope to serve my cover it.
lady still. Sir Fran. B'ye, b'ye, dearee ! Ah, mischief! Mir. How! discharged ! you must tell me the how you look now! B'ye, b'ye.
whole story within.
[Exit Sir Frax. Patch. With all my heart, madam. Mir. Sceutwell, see him in the coach, and Mar. Tell it here, Mrs Patch. Pish, Pox! I bring me word.
wish I were fairly out of the house. I find marScent. Yes, madam.
[Exit Scent. riage is the end of this secret; and now I am Mir. So, sir, you have done your friend a half mad to know what Charles wants him for. signal piece of service, I suppose ?
1.4side. Mar. Why, look you, madam, if I have com Sir Geo. Madam, I'm doubly pressed by love mitted a fault
, thank yourself; no man is more and friendship. This exigence admits of no serviceable when I am let into a secret, and none delay. Shall we make Marplot of the party? more unlucky at finding it out. Who could di Mir. If you'll run the hazard, sir George ; I vine your meaning ? when you talked of a blun- believe he means well. derbuss, who thought of a rendezvous ? and when Mar. Nay, nay; for my part, I desire to be let you talked of a monkey, who the devil drcamt of into nothing; I'll be gone; therefore, pray don't sir George?
[Going. Mir. A sign you converse but little with our Sir Geo. So, now he has a mind to be gone to sex, when you can't reconcile contradictions. Charles : but not knowing what affairs he may
upon his hands at present-I'm resolved he Enter SCENTWELL.
shan't stir. No, Mr Marplot, you must not leave Scent. He's gone, madam, as fast as the coach us; we want a third person. and six can carry him
[Takes hold of him.
Mar. I never had more mind to be gone in Enter Sir GEORCE. Sir Geo. Then I may appear.
Mir. Come along, then; if we fail in the voyMar. Here's Pug, ma'am-Dear sir George! age, thank yourself for taking this ill-starred make my peace. On my soul I never took you gentleman on board. for a monkey before !
Sir Geo. That vessel ne'er can unsuccessful Sir Geo. I dare sware thou didst not. Madam,
prove, · I beg you to forgive him.
Whose freight is beauty, and whose pilot's love. Mir. Well, sir George, if he can be secret.
[E.cit Sir GEORGE and MIRANDA. Mar. 'Odsheart, madam! I'm as secret as a Mar. Tyty ti, tyty ti. [Steals off the other way. priest, when trusted. Sir Geo. Why, 'tis with a priest our business
Re-enter Sir George. is at present.
Sir Geo. Marplot ! Marplot! Scent. Madam, here's Mrs Isabinda's woman Mar. [Entering.] Here! I was coming, sir
George, "Lord, can't you let one tie up one's Mir. Bring her up.
to wait on you.
· Mir. The wench is a fool, I think! could you
not have carried it to be mended without putting Enter Miranda, Parcu, and SCENTWELL.
it in the box? Mir. Well, Patch, I have done a strange bold Sir Frun. What's the matter? thing; my fate is determined, and expectation is Mir. Only, dearee! I bid her, I bid her — no more. Now, to avoid the impertinence and Your ill usage has put every thing out of my roguery of an old man, I have thrown myself head. But won't you go, Gardy, and find out into the extravagance of a young one : if he these fellows, and have them punished?-and, should despise, slight, or use me ill, there's no andremedy froin a husband but the grave; and that's Sir Fran. Where should I look for them, a terrible sauctuary to one of my age and con child ? no, I'll sit me down contented with my stitution.
safety, nor stir out of my own doors till I go Patch. O! fear not, madam; you'll find your
with thee to a parson. account in sir George Airy; it is impossible a Mir. [Aside.] If he goes into his closet I am man of sense should use a woman ill, endued with ruined. "Oh bless me! in this fright I had forgot beauty, wit, and fortune. It must be the lady's Mrs Patch. fault, if she does not wear the unfashionable name Patch. Aye, madam; and 'I stay for your of wife easy, when nothing but complaisance and speedy answer. good humour is requisite on either side to make Mir. [Aside.) I must get him out of the house. them happy.
Now, assist me, Fortune! Mir. I long till I am out of this house, lest Sir Fran. Mrs Patch! I profess I did not see any accident should bring my guardian back. you: how dost thou do, Mrs Patch? Well, don't Scentwell, put my best jewels into the little you repent leaving my Chargy? casket, slip them into thy pocket, and let us Patch. Yes, every body inust love her-but I march off to sir Jealous's.
- Madam, what did I come for ? Scent. It shall be done, madam. (Erit Scent. my invention is at the last ebb. Patch. Sir George will be impatient, madam.
(Aside to Miranda, If their plot succeeds, we shall be well received; Sir Fran. Nay, never whisper; tell me. if not, he will be able to protect us. Besides, I Mir. She came, dear Gardy ! to invite me to long to know how my young lady fares.
her lady's wedding, and you shall go Blir. Farewell old Mammon, and thy detested Gardy; 'tis to be done this moment, to a Spawalls ! 'Twill be no more sweet sir Francis ! Inish merchant. Old sir Jealous keeps on his shall be compelled the odious task of dissembling humour; the first minute he sees her, the next he no longer to get my own, and coax him with the marries her. wheedling names of my precious, my dear, dear Sir Fran. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I'd g go, if I thought Gardy! 0 Heavens !
the sight of matrimony would tempt Chargy to Enter Sir Francis behind.
perform her promise. There was a smile! there
was a consenting look, with those pretty twinkSir Fran. Ah, my sweet Clmrgy ! don't be lers, worth a million ! Ods-precious! I am hapfrighted [She starts] but thy poor Gardy has pier than the Great Mogul, the emperor of Chibeen abused, cheated, fooled, betrayed; but no na, or all the potentates that are not in wars.body knows by whom.
Speak, confirm it, make me leap out of my skin! Mir. Undone, past redemption ! (Aside]. Mir. When one has resolved, 'tis in vain to Sir Fran. What ! won't you speak to me, stand shilly-shally. If ever I marry, positively Charyy?
this is my wedding-day. Jir. I am so surprised with joy to see you, I Sir Fran. Oh! happy, happy man! Verily I know not what to say.
will beget a son the first night shall disinherit that Sir Fran. Poor dear girl! But do you know dog, Charles. I have estate enough to purchase that my son, or some such rogue, to rob or mur a barony, and be the immortalizing the whole fader me, or both, contrived this journey? for, up- mily of the Gripes. on the road, I met my neighbour Squeezum well, Mir. Come, then, Gardy; give me thy hand; and coming to town.
let's to this house of Hymen. Jir. Good lack! good lack! what tricks are My choice is fixed, let good or ill betide. there in this world !
Sir Fran. The joyful bridegroom I,
Mir. And I the happy bride. [Ereunt. Enter Scentwell, with a diamond necklace in
SCENE II. her hand, not seeing Sir FRANCIS. Scent. Madam, be pleased to tie this necklace
Enter Sir JEALOUS, meeting a Sertant. on, for I can't get into the-[Seeing Sir Francis, Scrv. Sir, here's a couple of gentlemen inquire Vol. II.
for you; one of them calls himself Signior Diego Sir Jeal. Nay, I know this town swarms with Babinetto.
them. Sir Jeal. Ha ! Signior Babinetto! admit them Sir Geo. Aye, and then you know the Spainstantly-joyful minute! I'll have my daughter niards are naturally amorous, but very constant; married to-night.
the first face fixes them; and it may be very
dangerous to let him ramble ere he is tied. Enter Charles in a Spanish habit, with Sir Cha. Well hinted. GEORGE, dressed like a merchant.
Sir Jeal. Pat to my purpose ! Well, sir, there
is but one thing more, and they shall be married Senhor, beso las manos : vuestra merced es muy instantly. bien venido en esta tierra.
Cha. Pray Heaven, that one thing more don't Cha. Senhor, soy muy humilde, y muy obliga- spoil all!
[ Aside. do cryado de vuestra merced : mi padre einbia Şir Jeal. Don Pedro writ me word, in his last a vuestra merced, los mas profondos de sus res but one, that he designed the sum of five thoupetos; y a commissionado este mercadel Ingles, sand crowns, by way of jointure, for my daughter; de concluyr un negocio, que me haze el mas di- and that it should be paid into my hand upon choss hombre del mundo, haziendo me su yerno. the day of marriageSir Jeal. I am glad on't, for I find I have lost Cha. Oh, the devil !
[Aside. much of my Spanish. Sir, I am your most hum Sir Jeal. In order to lodge it in some of our ble servant. Signior Don Diego Babinetto has funds, in case she should become a widow, and informed me that you are commissioned by signi- return for England-or Don Pedro, &c. his worthy father
Sir Geo. Pox on't, this is an unlucky turn ! Sir Geo. To see an affair of marriage con What shall I say?
[Aside. summated between a daughter of your's and sig Sir Jeal. And he does not mention one word nior Diego Babinetto his son here. True, sir, of it in this letter. such a trust is reposed in me, as that letter will Cha. I don't know how he should. [Aside.
I hope, 'twill pass upon him. Sir Geo. Humph! True, sir Jealous, he told [Aside.)
[Gives him a letter. me such a thing, but, but, but, but—he, he, he Sir Jeal. Aye, 'tis his hand. [Seems to read. he did not imagine that you would insist upon
Sir Geo. Good; you have counterfeited to a the very day; for, for, for, for money, you nicety, Charles.
[Aside to CHARLES. know, is dangerous returning by sea, an, an, an, Cha. If the whole plot succeeds as well, I'm happy.
Cha. Zounds ! say we have brought it in comSir Jeal. Sir, I find by this that you are a man modities.
[Aside to Sir GEORGE. of honour and probity; I think, sir, he calls you Sir Geo. And so, sir, he has sent it in merMeanwell?
chandize, tobacco, sugars, spices, lemons, and so Sir Geo. Meanwell is my name, sir.
forth, which shall be turned into money with all : Sir Jeal. A very good name, and very signi- expedition: in the mean time, sir, if you please ficant.
to accept of my bond for performanceCha. Yes, faith, if he knew all. [Aside. Sir Jeal. It is enough, sir; I am so pleased
Sir Jeal. For, to mean well, is to be honest; with the countenance of signior Diego, and the and to he honest, is the virtue of a friend ; and a harmony of your name, that I'll take your word, friend is the delight and support of human soci- and will fetch my daughter this moment. Withety.
in there. Sir Geo. You shall find that I'll discharge the
Enter Servant. part of a friend in what I have undertaken, sir Jealous.
Desire Mr Tackum, my neighbour's chaplain, to Cha. But little does he think to whom. [Aside. walk hither. Sir Geo. Therefore, sir, I must entreat the Sero. Yes, sir.
of your fair daughter, and the assist Sir Jeal. Gentlemen, I'll return in an instant. ance of your chaplain; for signior Don Pedro
[Erit. strictly enjoined me to see the marriage rites Cha. Wondrous well! let me embrace thee. performed as soon as we should arrive, to avoid Sir Geo. Egad, that five thousand crowns had the accidental overtures of Venus.
like to have ruined the plot. Sir Jeal. Overtures of Venus !
Cha. But that's over; and if Fortune throws Sir Geo. Aye, sir; that is, those little hawk- no other rubs in our waying females that traverse the Park and the play Sir Geo. Thou'lt carry the prize But hist! house to put off their damaged ware—they fasten here he comes. upon foreigners like leeches, and watch their arrival as carefully as the Kentish men do a ship
Enter Sir JEALOUS, dragging in ISABINDA. wreck: I warrant you they have heard of him Sir Jeal. Come along, you stubborn baggage already
you! come along.