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tell you I heard it no longer ago than last night. Tin. Fancy!

Lady True. But what if I should tell you my maid was with me?

Tin. Vapours, vapours! Pray, my dear widow, will you answer me one question? Had you ever this noise of a drum in your head, all the while your husband was living? Believe me, madam, I could prescribe you a cure for these imaginations.

Abi. Don't tell my lady of imaginations, sir; I have heard it myself.

Tin. Hark thee, child- -Art thou an old maid?

Abi. Sir, if I am, it is my own fault. Tin. Whims! Freaks! Megrims! indeed, Mrs Abigail.

Abi. Marry, sir, by your talk, one would believe you thought every thing that was good is a megrim.

Lady True. Though you give no credit to stories of apparitions, I hope you believe there are such things as spirits?

Tin. simplicity!

Abi. I fancy you don't believe women have souls, d'ye, sir?

Tin. Foolish enough! But where's this ghost? this son of a whore of a drummer? I'd fain hear him, methinks.

Abi. Pray, madam, don't suffer him to give the ghost such ill language, especially when you have reason to believe it is my master.

Tin. That's well enough, faith, Nab; dost thou think thy master so unreasonable, as to continue his claim to his relict after his bones are laid? Pray, widow, remember the words of your contract-you have fulfilled them to a tittle -Did not you marry sir George to the tune of Till death us do part?

Lady True. I must not hear sir George's memory treated in so slight a manner.

Tin. Give me but possession of your person, and I'll whirl you up to town for a winter, and

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Abi. That's well put, madam.

Tin. Why, faith, I have been looking upon this house, and think it is the prettiest habitation I ever saw in my life.

Lady True. Aye, but then this cruel drum!
Tin. Something so venerable in it!
Lady True. Aye, but the drum!

Tin. For my part, I like this Gothic way of building better than any of your new ordersit would be a thousand pities it should fall to ruin.

Lady True. Aye, but the drum!

Tin. How pleasantly we two could pass our time in this delicious situation! Our lives would be a continued dream of happiness Come, faith, widow, let's go upon the leads, and take a view of the country.

Lady True. Aye, but the drum! the drum!

Tin. My dear, take my word for it, 'tis all fancy: besides, should he drum in thy very bedchamber, I should only hug thee the closer.

Clasped in the folds of love, I'd meet my doom, And act my joys, though thunder shook the [Exeunt.

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room.

in a black cloak, enquires after you, give him 'admittance. He passes for a conjurer, but is really

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"Your faithful friend,

'G. TRUEMAN.

'P. S. Let this be a secret, and you shall find your account in it.'

This amazeth me! and yet the reasons why I should believe he is still living are manifoldFirst, because this has often been the case of other military adventurers. Secondly, because this news of his death was first published in Dyer's Letter. Thirdly, because this letter can be written by none but himself—I know his hand, and manner of spelling. Fourthly——————

Enter BUTLER,

But. Sir, here's a strange old gentleman that asks for you; he says he's a coujurer, but he looks very suspicious; I wish he ben't a Jesuit. Vel. Admit him immediately,

But. I wish he ben't a Jesuit; but he says he's nothing but a conjurer.

Vel. He says right-He is no more than a conjurer. Bring him in, and withdraw. [Exit Butler.]- -And fourthly, as I was saying, be

cause

-What a

Enter Butler, with SIR GEORGE. But. Sir, here's the conjurerdevilish long beard he has! I warrant it has been growing these hundred years. [Aside. Erit. Sir Geo. Dear Vellum, you have received my letter: but, before we proceed, Vel. It is his voice. Sir Geo. In the next place, this cumbersome cloak. Vel. It is his shape.

ble.

lock the door. [Shuts the door. help me off with

Sir Geo. So; now, lay my beard upon the ta

Vel. [After having looked on SIR GEORGE through his spectacles.] It is his face, every lineament!

Sir Geo. Well, now I have put off the conjurer and the old man, I can talk to thee more at my ease.

Vel. Believe me, my good master, I am as much rejoiced to see you alive, as I was upon the day you were born. Your name is in all the newspapers in the list of those that were

slain.

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Vel. I am--and moreover, I question not but your good lady will likewise be convinced of it. Her honour is a discerning lady.

Sir Geo. I am only afraid she could be convinced of it to her sorrow. Is she not pleased with her imaginary widowhood? Tell me truly; was she afflicted at the report of my death? Vel. Sorely.

Sir Geo. How long did her grief last? Vel. Longer than I have known any widow's at least three days.

Sir Geo. Three days, say'st thou ?-Three whole days!-I am afraid thou flatterest meOh, woman, woman!

Vel. Grief is twofold

Sir Geo. This blockhead is as methodical as ever-but I know he is honest, [Aside.

Vel. There is a real grief, and there is a methodical grief: she was drowned in tears till such time as the tailor had made her widow's weeds-Indeed, they became her.

Sir Geo. Became her! and was that her comfort? Truly, a most seasonable consolation!

Vel. I must needs say she paid a due regard to your memory, and could not forbear weeping when she saw company.

Sir Geo. That was kind, indeed! I find she grieved with a great deal of good breeding. But how comes this gang of lovers about her? Vel. Her jointure is considerable.

Sir Geo. How this fool torments me!

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[Aside.

Vel. But her character is unblemished. She has been as virtuous in your absence as a Penelope

Sir Geo. And has had as many suitors?
Vel. Several have made their overtures.
Sir Geo. Several !

Vel. But she has rejected all.

Sir Geo. There thou revivest me! But what means this Tinsel? Are his visits acceptable? Vel. He is young.

Sir Geo Does she listen to him?
Vel. He is gay.

Sir Geo. Sure she could never entertain a thought of marrying such a coxcomb! Vel. He is not ill made.

Sir Geo. Are the vows and protestations that passed between us come to this? I can't bear the thought of it! Is Tinsel the man designed for my worthy successor ?

Vel. You do not consider that you have been dead these fourteen months

Sir Geo. Was there ever such a dog! [Aside. Vel. And I have often heard her say, that she must never expect to find a second sir George Trueman-meaning your ho—nour.

Sir Geo. I think she loved me! but I must search into this story of the drummer, before I discover myself to her. I have put on this habit of a conjurer, in order to introduce myself. It must be your business to recommend me as a most profound person, that, by my great knowledge in the curious arts, can silence the drummer, and disposess the house.

Vel. I am going to lay my accounts before my lady; and I will endeavour to prevail upon her ho-nour to admit the trial of your art.

Sir Geo. I have scarce heard of any of these stories, that did not arise from a love-intrigue.— Amours raise as many ghosts as murders.

Vel. Mrs Abigail endeavours to persuade us, that 'tis your ho-nour who troubles the house. Sir Geo. That convinces me 'tis a cheat; for I think, Vellum, I may be pretty well assured it

is not me.

Vel. I am apt to think so, truly. Ha, ha, ha!

Sir Geo. Abigail had always an ascendant over her lady; and if there is a trick in this matter, depend upon it, she is at the bottom of it. I'll be hanged if this ghost is not one of Abigail's familiars!

Vel. Mrs Abigail has of late been very mysterious.

Sir Geo. I fancy, Vellum, thou couldst worm it out of her. I know formerly there was an amour between you.

Vel. Mrs Abigail hath her allurements; and she knows I have picked up a competency in your honour's service.

Sir Geo. If thou hast, all I ask of thee, in return, is, that thou wouldst immediately renew thy addresses to her. Coax her up. Thou hast such a silver tongue, Vellum, as 'twill be impossible for her to withstand. Besides, she is so very a woman, that she'll like you the better for giving her the pleasure of telling a secret. In short, wheedle her out of it, and I shall act by the advice which thou givest me.

Vel. Mrs Abigail was never deaf to me, when I talked upon that subject. I will take an opportunity of addressing myself to her in the most pathetic manner.

Sir Geo. In the mean time, lock me up in your office, and bring me word what success you have-Well, sure I am the first that ever was employed to lay himself!

Vel. You act, indeed, a threefold part in this house; you are a ghost, a conjurer, and my ho noured master, sir George Trueman; he, he, he! You will pardon me for being jocular. Sir Geo. Oh, Mr Vellum, with all heart! You my know I love you men of wit and humour. Be as merry as thou pleasest, so thou dost thy business. [Mimicking him.] You will remember, Vellum, your commission is twofold; first, to gain admission for me to your lady; and, secondly, to get the secret out of Abigail.

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Enter LADY TRUEMAN. Lady True. Women, who have been happy in a first marriage, are the most apt to venture upon a second. But, for my part, I had a husband so every way suited to my inclinations, that I must entirely forget him, before I can like another man. I have now been a widow but fourteen months, and have had twice as many lovers, all of them professed admirers of my person, but passionately in love with my jointure. I think it is a revenge I owe my sex, to make an example of this worthless tribe of fellows. But, here comes Abigail; I must tease the baggage; for, I find she has taken it into her head, that I'm entirely at her disposal.

Enter ABIGAIL.

Abi. Madam, madam! yonder's Mr Tinsel has as good as taken possession of your house. Marry, he says, he must have sir George's apartinent en

larged; for, truly, says he, I hate to be straiten ed. Nay, he was so impudent as to shew me the chamber where he intends to consummate, as he calls it.

Lady True. Well, he's a wild fellow.

Abi. Indeed, he's a very sad man, madam. Lady True. He's young, Abigail; 'tis a thousand pities he should be lost; I should be mighty glad to reform him!

Abi. Reform him! marry, hang him!

Lady True. Has he not a great deal of life? Abi. Ay! enough to make your heart ache. Lady True. I dare say thou think'st him a very agreeable fellow.

Abi. He thinks himself so, I'll answer for him.
Lady True. He's very good-natured.
Abi. He ought to be so; for he's very silly.
Lady True. Dost thou think he loves me?
Abi. Mr Fantome did, I'm sure.

Lady True. With what raptures he talked!
Abi. Yes; but 'twas in praise of your jointure-

house.

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Vel. Madam, is your ho-nour at leisure to look into the accounts of the last week? They rise very high. Housekeeping is chargeable in a house that is haunted.

Lady True. How comes that to pass? I hope the drum neither eats nor drinks. But read your account, Vellum.

Vel. [Putting on and off his spectacles in this scene.] A hogshead and a half of ale-It is not for the ghost's drinking; but your ho-nour's servants say, they must have something to keep up their courage against this strange noise. They tell me, they expect a double quantity of malt in their small beer, so long as the house continues in this condition.

Lady True. At this rate, they'll take care to be frightened all the year round, I'll answer for them. But go on.

Vel. Item, Two sheep, and a-Where is the ox?-Oh, here I have him!-and an ox-Your ho-nour must always have a piece of cold beef in the house, for the entertainment of so many strangers, who come from all parts to hear this drum. Item, Bread, ten peck loaves-They cannot eat beef without bread. Item, Three barrels of table beer-They must have drink with their meat.

Lady True. Sure no woman in England has

a steward that makes such ingenious comments on his works! [Aside. Vel. Item, To Mr Tinsel's servants, five bottles of port wine-It was by your honour's order. Item, Three bottles of sack, for the use of Mrs Abigail.

Lady True. I suppose that was by your own order.

Vel. We have been long friends; we are your honour's ancient servants. Sack is an innocent cordial; and gives her spirit to chide the servants, when they are tardy in their business; he, he, he! Pardon me for being jocular.

Lady True. Well, I see you'll come together at last.

Vel. Item, A dozen pound of watch-lights, for the use of the servants.

Lady True. For the use of the servants! What! are the rogues afraid of sleeping in the dark? What an unfortunate woman am I! This is such a particular distress, it puts me to my wits end. Vellum, what would you advise me to do?

Vel. Madam, your ho-nour has two points to consider. Imprimis, To retrench these extravagant expences, which bring so many strangers upon you-Secondly, to clear the house of this invisible drummer.

Lady True. This learned division leaves me just as wise as I was. But how must we bring these two points to bear?

Vel. I beseech your ho-nour to give me the hearing.

Lady True. I do; but, prithee, take pity on me, and be not tedious.

Vel. I will be concise.. There is a certain person arrived this morning, an aged man, of a venerable aspect, and of a long, hoary beard, that

SCENE I.

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reacheth down to his girdle. The common people call him a wizard, a white-witch, a conjurer, a cunning man, a necromancer, a

Lady True. No matter for his titles. But what of all this?

Vel. Give me the hearing, good my lady. He pretends to great skill in the occult sciences, and is come hither upon the rumour of this drum. If one may believe him, he knows the secret of laying ghosts, or of quieting houses that are haunted.

Lady True. Pho! these are idle stories, to amuse the country people: this can do us no good.

Vel. It can do us no harm, my lady. Lady True. I dare say, thou dost not believe there is any thing in it thyself?

Vel. I cannot say I do; there is no danger, however, in the experiment. Let him try his skill; if it should succeed, we are rid of the drum; if it should not, we may tell the world that it has, and, by that means, at least get out of this expensive way of living; so that it must turn to your advantage, one way or another.

Lady True. I think you argue very rightly. But where is the man? I would fain see him. He must be a curiosity.

Vel. I have already discoursed him, and he is to be with me, in my office, half an hour hence. He asks nothing for his pains till he has done his work-No cure, no money.

Lady True. That circumstance, I must confess, would make one believe there is more in his art than one would imagine. Pray, Vellum, go and fetch him hither immediately.

Vel. I am gone. He shall be forth-coming forthwith. [Exeunt.

ACT III.

Opens, and discovers SIR GEORGE in VELLUM's office.

Sir Geo. I WONDER I don't hear of Vellum yet. But I know his wisdom will do nothing rashly. This fellow has been so used to form in business, that it has infected his whole conversation. But I must not find fault with that punctual and exact behaviour which has been of so much use to me; my estate is the better for it.

Enter VELLUM.

Well, Vellum, I'm impatient to hear your suc

cess.

Vel. First, let me lock the door.

Sir Geo. Will your lady admit me?

Vel. If this lock is not mended soon, it will be quite spoiled.

VOL. II.

Sir Geo. Prithee, let the lock alone at present, and answer me.

Vel. Delays in business are dangerous-I must send for the smith next week; and, in the mean time, will take a minute of it.

Sir Geo. But what says your lady?

Vel. This pen is naught, and wants mendingMy lady, did you say?

Sir Geo. Does she admit me?

Vel. I have gained admission for you as a conjurer.

Sir Geo. That's enough-I'll gain admission for myself as a husband. Does she believe there's any thing in my art?

Vel. It is hard to know what a woman believes.

Sir Geo. Did she ask no questions about me? Vel. Sundry-She desires to talk with you herself, before you enter upon your business. Sir Geo. But when?

Vel. Immediately-this instant.

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Sir Geo. Pugh! what hast thou been doing all this while? Why didst not tell me so? Give me my cloak-Have you met with Abigail?

Abi. Ay! where does he live?

Tin. In the Horse-Guards. But he has one fault I must tell thee of; if thou canst bear with

Vel. I have not yet had an opportunity of talk-that, he's a man for thy purpose. ing with her; but we have interchanged some languishing glances.

Sir Geo. Let thee alone for that, Vellum. I have formerly seen thee ogle her through thy spectacles. Well, this is a most venerable cloak. After the business of this day is over, I'll make thee a present of it. Twill become thee mightily.

Vel. He, he, he! Would you make a conjurer of your steward?

Sir Geo. Prithee, don't be jocular; I'm in haste. Help me on with my beard.

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Vel. And what will your honour do with your cast beard?

Sir Geo. Why, faith, thy gravity wants only such a beard to it. If thou wouldst wear it with the cloak, thou wouldst make a most complete heathen philosopher. But where's my wand?

Vel. A fine taper stick-It is well chosen. I will keep this till you are sheriff of the county. It is not my custom to let any thing be lost.

Sir Geo. Come, Vellum, lead the way. You must introduce me to your lady. Thou art the fittest fellow in the world to be master of the ceremonies to a conjurer.

[Exeunt.

Enter ABIGAIL, crossing the stage, TINSEL following.

Tin. Nabby, Nabby! whither so fast, child? Abi. Keep your hands to yourself. I'm going to call the steward to my lady.

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Tin. What, Goodman Twofold? I met him walking with a strange old fellow yonder. I suppose he belongs to the family, too. He looks very antique. He must be some of the furniture of this old mansion-house.

Abi. What does the man mean? Don't think to palm me, as ye do my lady.

Tin. Prithee, Nabby, tell me one thingWhat's the reason thou art my enemy?

Abi. Marry, because I'm a friend to my lady. Tin. Dost thou see any thing about me thou dost not like? Come hither, hussy-Give me a kiss. Don't be ill-natured.

care.

Abi. Sir, I know how to be civil. [Kisses her.] This rogue will carry off my lady, if I don't take [Aside. Tin. Thy lips are as soft as velvet, Abigail. I must get thee a husband.

Abi. Ay, now you don't speak idly-I can talk to you.

Tin. I have one in my eye for thee. Dost thou love a young lusty son of a whore?

Abi. Lud! how you talk!

Tin. This is a thundering dog.
Abi. What is he?

Tin. A private gentleman.

Abi. Pray, Mr Tinsel, what may that be?
Tin. He's but five-and-twenty years old.
Abi. 'Tis no matter for his age, if he has been
well educated.

Tin. No man better, child; he'll tie a wig, toss a die, make a pass, and swear with such a grace, as would make thy heart leap to hear him.

Abi. Half these accomplishments will do, provided he has an estate. Pray, what has he?' Tin. Not a farthing.

Abi. Pox on him! what do I give him the hearing for? [Aside. Tin. But as for that, I would make it up to him. Abi. How?

Tin. Why, look ye, child, as soon as I have married thy lady, I design to discard this old prig of a steward, and to put this honest gentleman Ĭ am speaking of, into his place.

Abi. [Aside.] This fellow's a fool—I'll have no more to say to him.- -Hark! my lady's a

coming.

Tin. Depend upon it, Nab, I'll remember my promise.

Abi. Ay, and so will I too, to your cost.
[Aside. Exit ABI.
Tin. My dear is purely fitted up with a maid—
But I shall rid the house of her.

Enter LADY TRUEMAN.

Lady True. Oh, Mr Tinsel, I am glad to meet you here. I am going to give you an entertainment that won't be disagreeable to a man of wit and pleasure of the town. There may be something diverting in a conversation between a conjurer, and this conceited ass. [Aside.

Tin. She loves me to distraction, I see that. [Aside.]-Prithee, widow, explain thyself.

Lady True. You must know, here is a strange sort of man come to town, who undertakes to free the house from this disturbance. The steward believes him a conjurer.

Tin. Ay, thy steward is a deep one. Lady True. He's to be here immediately. It is indeed an odd figure of a man.

Tin. Oh, I warrant you, he has studied the black art! Ha, ha, ha! Is he not an Oxford scholar?-Widow, thy house is the most extraordinarily inhabited of any widow's this day in Christendom. I think thy four chief domestics are, a withered Abigail, a superannuated steward, a ghost, and a conjurer.

Lady True. [Mimicking TIN.] And you would have it inhabited by a fifth, who is a more extraordinary person than any of all these four.

Tin. Tis a sure sign a woman loves you, when she imitates your manner. [Aside.] Thou'rt very smart, my dear. But see, sinoke the doctor.

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