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Lady True. What an escape you have had, Exter VELLUM and Sir GEORGE, in his con Mr Tinsel, that you were not bred a scholar! jurer's habit.
Tin. And so I fancy, doctor, thou thinkest me
an illiterate fellow, because I have a smooth Teh I will introduce this profound person to chin? Four ladyship, and then leave him with
Sir Geo. Hark ye, sir; a word in your ear. Sir, this is her honour.
You are a coxcomb, by all the rules of physiogSir Geo. I know it well. [Exit Vel. nomy: but leç that be a secret between you and (Aside, walking in a musing posture.]* That dear me.
[2 side to Tix. woman! the sight of her unmans me. I could Lady True. Pray, Mr Tinsel, what is it the weep for tenderness, did not I, at the same time, doctor whispers ? feel an indignation rise in me to see that wretch Tin. Only a compliment, child, upon two or with her. And yet, I cannot but smile to see her three of my features. It does not become me to in the company of her first and second husband repeat it. at the same time.
Lady True. Pray, doctor, examine this gentleLady True. Mr Tinsel, do you speak to him; man's face, and tell me his fortune. you are used to the company of men of learn Sir Geo. If I may believe the lines of his face,
he likes it better than I do, or-than you do, fair Tir. Old gentleman, thou dost not look like an lady. inhabitant of this world; I suppose thou art Tin. Widow, I hope now thou’rt convinced he's lately come down from the stars. Pray, what a cheat. news is stirring in the Zodiac?
Lady True. For my part, I believe he's a Sir Geo. News that ought to make the heart witch -Go on, doctor. of a coward tremble. Mars is now entering into Sir Geo. He will be crossed in love; and that the first house, and will shortly appear in all his soon. doimal dignises –
Tin. Prithee, doctor, tell us the truth. Dost Tin. Mars -Prithee, father Grey-beard, ex- not thou live in Moorfields ? plain thyself.
Sir Geo. Take iny word for it, thou shalt neSir Geo. The entrance of Mars into his house, ver live in my lady Trueman's mansion-house. portends the entrance of a master into this fa Tin. Pray, old gentleman, hast thou never muly—and that soon.
been plucked by the beard when thou wert sauTin. D'ye hear that, widow? The stars have cy? cut me out for thy husband. This house is to Lady True. Nay, Mr Tinsel, you are angry: have a master, and that soon. Hark thee, old do you think I would marry a man that dares not Gadbury? Is not Mars very like a young fellow have his fortune told? called Tom Tinsel?
Sir Geo. Let him be angry
-I matter notSir Geo. Not so much as Venus is like this He is but short-lived. He will soon die of lady.
Tin. Come, come, speak out, old Hocus; he, Tin. A word in your ear, doctor; these two be, he! This fellow makes nie burst with laughplanets will be in conjunction by and by; I can ing.
[Forces a laugh. tell you that
Sir Geo. He will soon die of a fright—or of Sir Geo. (Aside, walking disturbed.] Curse on the_let me see your nose~Ay—'tis so! this impertinent fop! I shall scarce forhear dis Tir. You son of a whore! I'll run ye through covering myself—Madam, I am told that your the body. I liever yet made the sun shine through house is visited with strange noises.
a conjurer. Lady True. And I am told that you can quiet Lady True. Oh, fy, Mr Tinsel! you will not thein." I must confess, I had a curiosity to see | kill an old mao? the person I had heard so much of; and indeed Tin. An old inan! The dog says he's but fivepour aspect shows, that you have had much ex- and thirty. perience in the world. You must be a very aged Ludy True. Oh, fy, Mr Tinsel ! I did noo
think could have been so passionate ! I hate Sir Geo. My aspect deceives you : what do a passionate man. Put up your sword, or I must you think is my real age?
never see you again. Tin. I should guess thee within three years of Tin. Ha, ha, ha! I was but in jest, my dear, Methusalah. Prithee, tell me, wast, thou not I had a mind to have made an experiment bor before the flood?
upon the doctor's body. I would but have Lady True. Truly, I should guess you to be in drilled a little eyelet hole in it, and have seen your second or third century.
whether he had art enough to close it up again. Sir Geo. Ha, ha, ha! If there be truth in man, Sir Geo. Courage is but ill shown before a I was but five-and-thirty last August. Oh, the lady. But know, if ever I meet thee again, thou stndy of the occult sciences makes a man's beard shalt find this arın can wield other weapous grow faster than you would imagine !
besides this wand.
Tin. Ha, ha, ha!
just by—[Brings in a rummer.] I'll pledge you; Ludy True. Well, learned sir, you are to give iny lady's good health. a proof of your art, not of your courage.
. And your own with it-sweet Mrs Abigail. you will shew your courage, let it be at nine Abi. Pray, good Mr Vellum, buy me a little o'clock--for that is the time the noise is general- parcel of this sack, and put it under the article ly heard.
of tea - I would not have my name appear Tin. And look ye, old gentleman, if thou to it. dost not do thy business well, I can tell thee, by Vel. Mrs Abigail, your name seldom appears the little skill I have, that thou wilt be tossed in in my bills—and yet if you will allow me a a blanket before ten. We'll do our endeavour merry expression--you have been always in my to send thee back to the stars again.
books, Mrs Abigail. Ha, ha, ha! Sir Geo. I'll go and prepare myself for the Abi. Ha, ha, ha! Mr l'ellum, you are such a ceremonies-And, lady, as you expect they dry jesting man! should succeed to your wishes, treat that fellow Vel. Why, truly, Mrs Abigail, I have been with the conteinpt he deserves.
looking over my papers—and I find you have
[Erit Sir GEORGE been a long time iny debtor. Tin. The sauciest dog I ever talked with in Abi. Your debtor! For what, Mr Vellum? my whole life!
Vel. For my heart, Mrs Abigail-And our acLady True. Methinks he's a diverting fellow; counts will not be balanced between us, till I one may see he's no fool.
bave yours in exchange for it. Ha, ha, ha! Tin. No fool! Ay, but thou dost not take Abi. Ha, ha, ha! You are the most gallant him for a conjurer ?
dun, Mr Vellum! Lady True. Truly, I don't know what to take Vel. But I am not used to be paid by words him for; I am resolved to employ him how- only, Mrs Abigail; when will you be out of my
When a sickness is desperate, we often debt ? try remedies that we have no great faith in. Abi. Oh, Mr Vellum, you make one blush
My humble service to you.
Vel. I must answer you, Mrs Abigail, in the
country phrase.—Your love is sufficient. Ha, Abi. Madam, the tea is ready in the parlour, ha, ha! as you ordered.
Abi. Ha, ha, ha! Well, I must own I love a Lady True. Come, Mr Tinsel, we may
there talk of the subject more at leisure.
Vel. Let me see ! how long is it, Mrs Abigail, [Erennt LADY TRUE. and Tin. since I tirst broke my mind to you?-It was, I Abi, Sure never any lady had such servants as think, undeciino Gulielmi:-- -We have conmine has ! Well, If I get this thousand pounds, versed together these fifteen years—and yet, Mrs I hope to have some of my own. Let me see, Abigail, I must drink to our better acquaintance. I'll have a pretty tigit girl-just such as I was He, he, he! Mrs Abigail, you know I am ten years ago (I'm afraid I may say twenty); naturally jocose. she shall dress me and flatter me--for I will Abi. Ah! you men love to make sport with be fattered, that's pos! My lady's cast suits us silly creatures. will serve her after I have given them the Vel. Mrs Abigail, I have a trifle about me, wearing. Besides, when I am worth a thous which I would willingly make you a present of. and pounds, I shall certainly carry off the stew- It is indeed but a little toy. ard-Madam Vellum-how prettily that Abi. You are always exceedingly obliging. will sound! Ilere, bring out Madam Vellum's Vel. It is but a little toy-scarce worth your chaise- Nay, I do not know but it may be a acceptance. chariot-It will break the attorney's wife's heart Abi. Pray, don't keep me in suspense; what is -for I shall take place of every body in the it, Mr Vcllum? parish but my lady. If I have a son, he shall V'cl. A silver thimble. be called Fantome. But see, Mr Vellum, as I Abi. I always said Mr Vellum was a generous could wish. I know his humour, and will do my lover. utnost to gain his heart.
V'cl. But I must put it on myself, Mrs Abigail Enter VELLUM, with a pint of sack.
-You have the prettiest tip of a finger-I must
take the freedom to salute it. Vel. Mrs Abigail, don't I break in upon you Abi. Oh, fy! you make me ashamed, Mr Velunseasonably?
lum; how can you do so? I protest I am in such Abi. Oh, no, Mr Vellum; your visits are al- a confusion
(A feigned struggle. ways seasonable.
l'el. This finger is not the finger of idleness; Vel. I bave brought with me a taste of fresh it bears the honourable scars of the needle. canary, wbich, I think, is delicious.
But why are you so cruel as not to pair your Abi. Pray set it down--I have a dram-glass nails ?
Abi. Oh, I vow, you press it so hard ! pray, Vel. I'm transported! give me my finger again.
[Catching her in his arms. Vel. This middle finger, Mrs Abigail, has a Abi, Dear, charming man! pretty neighbour—a wedding ring would become Vel. Thou sum total of all my happiness! I it mightily-He, he, he!
shall grow extravagant! I can't forhear!--to drink Abi. You're so full of your jokes. Ay; but thy virtuous inclinations in a bumper of sack. where must I find one for it?
Your lady must make haste, my duck, or we shall Vel
. I design this thimble only as the forerun- provide a young steward to the estate, before she ner of it; they will set off each other, and are - has an heir to it.—Pr’ythec, my dear, does she indeed, a twofold emblem. The first will put intend to marry Mr Tinsel ? you in mind of being a good housewife, and the Abi. Marry him, my love! No, no; we must other, of being a good wife. Ha, ha, ha! take care of that! there would be no staying in
dbi. Yes, yes; I see you laugh at me. the house for us, if she did. That young rakeVel. Indeed, I am serious.
hell would send all the old servants a-grazing. Abi. I thought you had quite forsaken me~! You and I should be discarded before the honeyam sure you cannot forget the many repeated moon was at an end. vows and promises you formerly made me. Vel. Pr’ythee, sweet one, does not this drum
Vel. I should as soon forget the multiplication put the thoughts of marriage out of her head ? table.
Abi. This drum, my dear, if it be well manaAbi. I have always taken your part before my ged, will be no less than a thousand pounds in lady.
Vel. You have so; and I have itemed it in my Vel. Ay, say'st thou so, my turtle? memory.
Abi. Since we are now as good as man and Abi. For I have always looked upon your inte- wifeI mean, almost as good as man and wife rest as my own.
-I ought to conceal nothing from you. Vel. It is nothing but your cruelty can hinder Vel. Certainly, my dove; not from thy yokethem from being so.
fellow, thy help-mate, thy own flesh and blood ! Abi. I must strike while the iron's hot. [Aside.] Abi. Hush ! 'I hear Mr Tinsel's laugh; my la-Well, Mr Vellum, there is no refusing you; dy and he are coming this way; if you will take you have such a bewitching tongue !
a turn without, I'll tell you the whole contriVel. How? speak that again! Abi. Why, then, in plain English, I love you. Vel. Give me your hand, chicken. Tel. I am overjoyed !
Abi. Here, take it; you have my heart already. Abi. I must own iny passion for you.
Vel. We shall have much issue. [Ereunt.
quarter of an hour's warning. But pray, sir, is
this entertainment to be made for the conjuEnter VELLUM and Butler.
rer? Vel. John, I have certain orders to give you Vel. It is, John, for the conjurer; and yet it is and therefore be attentive.
not for the conjurer. But, Attentive ! Ay, let me alone for that, But. Why, look you, master Vellum, if it is I suppose he means, being sober. [Aside. for the conjurer, the cook-maid should have or
Vel. You know I have always recommended ders to get him some dishes to his palate. Perto you a method in your business; I would have baps he may like a little brimstone in his sauce. your knives and forks, your spoons and napkins, Vel. This conjurer, John, is a complicated creayour plate and glasses, laid in a method. ture, an amphibious animal, a person of a twofold
But. Ay, master Vellum! you are such a nature-But he eats and drinks like other men. sweet-spoken mau, it does one's heart good to re But. Marry, master Vellum, he should eat and · ceive your orders.
drink as much as two other'men, by the account Vel. Method, John, makes business easy; it you give of him. banishes all perplexity and confusion out of fa Vel. Thy conceit is not amiss; he is indeed a milies.
double man; ha, ha, ha! But. How he talks! I could hear him all day. But. Ha! I understand you; he's one of your
Vel, And now, John, let me know whether hermaphrodites, as they call them. your table-linen, your side-board, your cellar, and Vel. He is married, and he is not marriedevery thing else within your province, are pro- He hath a beard, and he hath no beard. He is perly and methodically disposed for an enter-old, and he is young. tainment this evening?
But. How charmingly he talks! I fancy, masBut. Master Vellum, they shall be ready at a ter Vellum, you could make a riddle. The same
like a serpent.
man old and young ! How do you make that out, Vel. Adieu; and let me hear the result of your master Vellum ?
conference. Vel. Thou hast heard of a snake casting his Abi. How can you leave one so soon? I shall skin, and recovering his youth ? Such is this sage think it an age till I see you again. person.
Vel. Adieu, my pretty one! But. Nay, 'tis no wonder a conjurer should be Abi. Adieu, sweet Mr Vellum!
Vel. My pretty one [As he is going off. Vel. When he has thrown aside the old conju Abi, Dear Mr Vellum ! rer's slough, that hangs about him, he'll come out Vel. My pretty one!
[Erit. as fine a young gentleman as ever was seen in Abi. I have him--If I can but get this thouthis house.
sand pounds. But. Does he intend to sup in his slough? [FANTOME gives three raps upon his drum Vel. That, time will shew.
behind the wainscot.] But. Well, I have not a head for these things. Abi. Three raps upon the drum? the signal Indeed, Mr Vellum, I have not understood one Mr Fantome and I agreed upon, when he had a word you have said this half hour.
mind to speak with me. [FANTOME raps again.) Vel. I did not intend thou shouldst -But to Very well, I hear you : come, fox, come out of our business Let there be a table spread in your hole. the great ball
. Let your pots and glasses be washed, and in a readiness. Bid the cook pro
SCENE II. vide a plentiful supper; and see that all the servants are in their best liveries.
Opens, and Fantome comes out. But. Ay, now I understand every word you Abi. You may leave your drum in the wardsay. But I would rather hear you talk a little robe, till you have occasion for it. in that t'other way.
Fan. Well, Mrs Abigail, I want to hear what's Vel. I shall explain to thee what I have said, doing in the world. by and by-Bid Susan lay two pillows upon your Abi. You are a very inquisitive spirit. But I lady's bed.
must tell you, if you do not take care of yourBut. Two pillows ! Madam won't sleep upon self, you will be laid this evening. them both! She is not a double woman, too? Fan. I have overheard something of that mat
Vel. She will sleep upon neither. But hark! ter. But let me alone for the doctor-I'll enMrs Abigail; I think I hear her chiding the cook- gage to give a good account of him. I am more maid.
in pain about Tinsel. When a lady's in the case, But. Then I'll away, or it will be my turn I'm more afraid of one fup than twenty conjunext : she, I am sure, speaks plain English; one may easily understand every word she says. Abi. To tell you truly, he presses his attacks
(Exit Butler. with so much impudence, that he has made more Vel. Servants are good for nothing, unless they progress with any lady in two days, than you did have an opinion of the person's understanding in two months. who has the direction of them.—But see, Mrs
Fan. I shall attack her in another manner, if Abigail ! she has a bewitching countenance; I thou canst but procure me another interview. wish I may not be tempted to marry her in good There's nothing makes a lover so keen, as being earnest.
kept in the dark
Abi. Pray, no more of your distant bows, your Enter ABIGAIL.
respectful compliments -Really, Mr FanAbi. Ha ! Mr Vellum.
tome, you're only fit to make love across a teaVel. What brings my sweet one hither? table,
Abi. I am coming to speak to my friend be Fan. My dear girl, I can't forbear hugging hind the wainscot. It is fit, child, he should have thee for thy good advice. an account of this conjurer, that he may not be Abi. Ay, now I have some hopes of you ; but, surprised.
why don't you do so to my lady? Vel
. That would be as much as thy thousand Fan. Child, I always thought your lady loved pounds is worth.
to be treated with respect. Abi. I'll speak low
-Walls have ears. Abi. Believe me, Mr Fantome, there is not so
[Pointing at the wainscot. great a difference between woman and woman, Vel. But hark you, duckling! be sure you do as you imagine. You see Tinsel has nothing but not tell him that I am let into the secret.
his sauciness to recommend him. Abi. That's a good one, indeed! as if I should Fan. Tinsel is too great a coxcomb to be caever tell what passes between you and me. pable of love-- And let me tell thee, Abigail, a
Vel. No, no, my child; that must not be; he, man, who is sincere in his passion, makes but a he, he! that must not be; he, he, he !
very awkward profession of it But I'll inend Abi. You will always be waggish.
Abi. Ay, or you'll never gain a widow, but their ho—nours What would you, Mr Come, I must tutor you a little; suppose me to
Tinsel? be my lady; and let me see how you'll behave Tin. Let me beg a favour of thee, old gentleyourself?
Fan. I'm afraid, child, we han't time for such Vel. What is that, good sir? a piece of mummery.
Tin. Prithee, run and fetch me the rent-roll *Abi. Oh, it will be quickly over, if you play of thy lady's estate. your part well.
Vel. The rent-roll! Fan. Why then, dear Mrs Ab-I mean, my Tin. The rent-roll! Ay, the rent-roll. Dost lady Trueman.
not understand what that means ? Abi . Ay; but you han't saluted me.
Vel. Why, have you thoughts of purchasing of
intention. Fan. How long must I be condemned to lan Vel. The purchase will be considerable. guish? when shall my sufferings have an end? Tin. And for that reason I have bid thy lady My life, iny happiness, my all, is wound up in very high-She is to have no less for it than this you
entire person of mine. Abi. Well! why don't you squeeze my
hand ? Vel. Is your whole estate personal, Mr Tinsel? Fan. What! thus?
-he, he, he ! Abi. Thus! Ay—now throw your arm about Tin. Why, you queer old dog, you don't premy middle : hug me closer.—You are not afraid tend to jest, d'ye? Look ye, Vellum, if you think of hurting me! Now, pour forth a volley of rap- of being continued my steward, you must learn ture and nonsense, till you are out of breath. to walk with your toes out.
Fan. Transport and ecstacy! where am I? Vel. (Aside.] An insolent companion ! my life, iny bliss !I rage, I burn, I bleed, I die! Tin. Thou're confounded rich, I see, by that Abi. Go on, go on.
dangling of thy arms. Fan, Flames and darts !
-Bear me to the Vel. Aside. An ungracious bird ! gloomy shade, rocks and grottos !—Flowers, ze Tin. Thou shalt lend me a couple of thousand phyrs, and purling streams!
pounds. Abi. Oh, Mr Fantome, you have a tongue would Vel. Aside.) A very profligate! ando a vestal! You were born for the ruin of Tin. Look ye, Vellum, I intend to be kind to
you—I'll borrow some money of you. Fan. This will do, then, Abigail ?
Vel. I cannot but smile to consider the disapAbi. Ay; this is talking like a lover : though I pointment this young fellow will meet with; I will only represent my lady, I take pleasure in hear- make myself merry with him. (Aside.]—And so, ing you. Well, o' my conscience, when a man of Mr Tinsel, you promise you will be a very kind sense has a little dash of the coxcomb in him, no master to me?
[Stifling a laugh. woman can resist hins. Go on at this rate, and Tin. What will you give for a life in the house the thousand pounds is as good as in my pocket. you live in?
Fan. I shall think it an age, till I have an op Vel. What do you think of five hundred pounds? portunity of putting this lesson in practice. -Ha, ha, ha!
Abi. You may do it soon, if you make good use Tin. That's too little. of your time. Mr Tinsel will be here with my Vel. And yet it is more than I shall give you lady at eight, and at nine the conjurer is to take - And I will offer you two reasons for it. you in hand.
Tin. Prithee, what are they? Fan. Let me alone with both of them.
Vel. First, because the tenement is not in your Abi. Well! forewarned, fore-armed. Get into disposal; and, secondly, because it never will be your box, and I'll endeavour to dispose every in your disposal : and so fare thee well, good Mr thing in your favour.
Tinsel-Ha, ha, ha! You will pardon me for [Fantom E goes in. Erit ABIGAIL. being jocular.
Tin. This rogue is as saucy as the conjurer : Enter VELLUM.
I'll be hanged if they are not a-kin! Vel. Mrs Abigail is withdrawn—I was in hopes
Enter LADY TRUEMAN. to have heard what passed between her and her invisible correspondent,
Lady True. Mr Tinsel! what, all alone? You
free-thinkers are great admirers of solitude. Enter Tixsel.
Tin. No, faith; I have been talking with thy Tin, Vellum! Vellum!
steward; a very grotesque figure of a fellow; the Vel. (Aside.] Vellum! We are, methinks, very very picture of one of our benchers. How can familiar! I am not used to be called so by any you bear his conversation?