him.] You were observing, sir, that in this age of hypocrisy-something about hypocrisy, sir. Mar. Yes, madam. In this age of hypocrisy, there are few, who, upon strict enquiry, do not— a-a-a Miss Hard. I understand you perfectly, sir. do myself. Miss Hard. You mean, that in this hypocritical age, there are few that do not condemn in public what they use in private, and think they pay every debt to virtue when they praise it. Mar. True, madam; those who have most virtue in their mouths, have least of it in their bosoms. But I'm sure I tire you, madam. I tell you, cousin Con, it won't do; so I beg Mrs Hura. Well! I vow, Mr Hastings, you are very entertaining. There's nothing in the world I love to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. Hast. Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St James's, or Tower Wharf. So. :: Mrs Hard. O, sir! you're only pleased to say We country persons can have no manner at all. I'm in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics but who can have a manner that has never -that seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Bowant rough, and such places where the nobility chief-andly resort? All I can do, is to enjoy London at second-hand. I take care to know every tete-atete from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked-lane Pray, how do you like this head, Mr Hastings? Miss Hard. Not in the least, sir; there is something so agreeable and spirited in your manner, such life and force-Pray, sir, go on. Mar. Yes, madam. I was sayingthere are some occasions-when a total of courage, madam, destroys all theputs us upon aMiss Hard. I agree with you entirely. A want of courage, upon some occasions, assumes the appearance of ignorance, and betrays us when we most wish to excel. I beg you'll pro ceed. ·a· -a Mar. Yes, madam: Morally speaking, madam-But I see Miss Neville expecting us in the next room. I would not intrude for the world. Miss Hard. I protest, sir, I never was more agreeably entertained in all my life. Pray, go on. Mar. Yes, madam. I was-] -But she beckons us to join her. Madam, shall I do myself the honour to attend you? Miss Hard. Well, then, I'll follow. Mar. [Aside.] This pretty smooth dialogue has done for me. Erit. Hast. Extremely elegant and degagée, upon my word, madam! Your friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose? Mrs Hard. I protest I dressed it myself from a print in the ladies' memorandum book for the last year. Hust. Indeed! Such a head in a side box, at the play-house, would draw as many gazers as my lady Mayoress at a city-ball. Mrs Hard. I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little particular, or one may escape in the crowd. Hast. But that can never be your case, mnaMiss Hard. Ha! ha! ha! Was there ever dam, in any dress. [Bowing. such a sober sentimental interview? I am cer- Mrs Hard. Yet, what signifies my dressing, tain he scarce looked in my face the whole time. when i have such a piece of antiquity by my Yet the fellow, but for his unaccountable bash-side as Mr Hardcastle? all I can say will not arfulness, is pretty well, too. He has good sense, but then so buried in his fears, that it fatigues one more than ignorance. If I could teach him a little confidence, it would be doing somebody that I know of a piece of service. But who is that somebody? that, faith, is a question I can [Exit. scarce answer. Enter TONY and MISS NEVILLE, followed by MISS HARDCASTLE and HASTINGS. Miss Nev. I hope, cousin, one may speak to one's own relations, and not be to blame. Tony. Ay, but I know what sort of a relation you want to make me though; but it won't do. gue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bauld, to plaster it over, like my lord Pately, with powder. Hast. You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies, there are none ugly, so, among the men, there are none old. Mrs Hard. But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted to throw off his wig to convert it into a tete for my own wearing. Hast. Intolerable! At your age, you may wear what you please, and it must become you. Mrs Hard. Pray, Mr Hastings, what do you take to be the most fashionable age about town? Hast. Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I am told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. Mrs Hard. Seriously? Then, I shall be too young for the fashion. Hast. No lady begins now to put on jewels till she is past forty. For instance, Miss, there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, a mere maker of samplers. Mrs Hard. And yet Mrs Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. Hast. Your niece is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should presume? Mrs Hard. My son, sir! They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. [To them.] Well, Tony, child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? Tony. I have been saying no soft things; but that it's very hard to be followed about so.Ecod! I've not a place in the house now, that is left to myself, but the stable. Mrs Hard. Never mind him, Con, my dear.He's in another story behind your back. Miss Nev. There's something generous in my cousin's manner. He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private. Tony. That's a damned confoundedcrack. Mrs Hard. Ah, he's a sly one! Don't you think they're like each other about the mouth, Mr Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth, to a T.They are of a size, too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr Hastings may see you. Come, Tony. Tony. You had as good not make me, I tell you. [Measuring. Miss Nev. O, lud! he has almost cracked my head. Mrs Hard. O, the monster! For shame, Tony! You a man, and behave so! Tony. If I am a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I'll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs Hard. Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I am to get for the pains I have taken in your education? I, that have rocked you in your cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, and weep while the receipt was operating? Tony. Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dozing me ever since I was born. I have gone through every recipe in the Complete Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through Quincy next spring.Bat, ecod! I tell you, I'll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs Hard. Was not it all for your good, viper? Was not it all for your good? Tony. I wish you would let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way when I am in spirits! If I am to have any good, let it come of itself; not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so! Mrs Hard. That's false; I never see you when you are in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the ale-house or kennel. I am never to be delighted with your agreeable, wild notes, unfeeling monster! Tony. Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. Miss Hard. Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my heart; I see he does. Hast. Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. I am certain I can persuade him to his duty. Mrs Hard. Well! I must retire.-Come, Constance, my love. You see, Mr Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation! Was ever poor woman so plagued with a dear, sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy. [Exeunt MRS HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE. Tony. [Singing.] There was a young man riding by, And fain would have his will. Rang do didlo dee. Don't mind her. Let her cry. It's the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better the more it made them cry. Hast. Then, you're no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman? Tony. That's as I find 'um. Hast. Not to her of your mother's choosing, I dare answer? And yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. Tony. That is because you don't know her as well as I. Ecod! I know every inch about her; and there's not a more bitter cantanckerous toad in all Christendom. Hast. [Aside.] Pretty encouragement this for a lover! Tony. I have seen her since the height of that! She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day's breaking. Hast. To me she appears sensible and silent. Tony. Ay, before company. But when she's with her play-mates, she's as loud as a hog in a gate. Hast. But there is a meck modesty about her that charms me. Tony. Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you're flung in a ditch. Hast. Well, but you must allow her a little beauty-Yes, you must allow her some beauty, Tony. Bandbox! She's all a made up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cushion! She'd make two of she. Hast. Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bargain off your hands? Tony. Anan? Hast. Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and your dear Betsy? Tony. Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her? Hast. I am he. If you but assist me, I'll engage to whip her off to France, and you shall never hear more of her. Tony. Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I'll clap a pair of horses to SCENE I. Enter HARDCASTLE. your chaise that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, and may be get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, that you little dream of. Hast. My dear 'squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. Tony. Come along, then, and you shall see more of my spirit before you have done with me, [Singing. ACT III. Hard. WHAT Ccould my old friend, sir Charles, mean, by recommending his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most impudent piece of brass, that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of the easy chair by the fire-side already. He took off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter-She will certainly be shocked at it. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, plainly dressed. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress as I bid you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion. Miss Hard. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their propriety. Hard. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover to-day. Miss Hard. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I find the original exceeds the description. Hard. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my faculties! Miss Hard. I never saw any thing like it: And a man of the world, too! Hard. Ay, he learned it all abroad-what a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modesty by travelling! He might as soon learn wit at a masquerade. Miss Hard. It seems all natural to him. Hard. A good deal assisted by bad company, and a French dancing-master. Miss Hard. Sure you mistake, papa! a French dancing-master could never have taught him that timid look-that aukward address-that bashful manner— Hard. Whose look? whose manner, child Miss Hard. Mr Marlow's : his mauvaise honte, his timidity struck me at the first sight. Hard. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses. Miss Hard. Sure, sir, you rally? I never saw any one so modest. Hard. And can you be serious! I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him. Miss Hard. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a stammering voice, and a look ixed on the ground. Hard. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again! Miss Hard. He treated me with diffidence. and respect-censured the manners of the ageadmired the prudence of girls that never laughed-tied me with apologies for being tiresome— hen left the room with a bow, and, madam, I would not for the world detain you. Hard. He spoke to me as if he knew me all hus life before. Asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer. Interrupted my best remarks with some silly pun, and when T was in my best story of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch! Miss Hard. One of us must certainly be mis taken. Hard. If he be what he has shewn himself, I'm determined he shall never have my consent, Miss Hard. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall never have mine. Hard. In one thing, then, we are agreed-to reject him. Hard. If we should find him so- -But that's [ impossible. The first appearance has done my business. I'm seldom deceived in that. Miss Hard. And yet there may be many good qualities under that first appearance. Hard. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow's outside to her taste, she then sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth face stands for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue. Miss Hard. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment to my good sense, won't end with a sneer at my understanding? Tony. Never you mind her resentment; leave me to manage that. I don't value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they are! Morrice! Prance! [Ecit HASTINGS. Enter MRS HARDCASTLE, and MISS NEVILLE. Mrs Hard. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you want jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years hence, when your beauty begins to want repairs. Miss Nev. But what will repair beauty at for Hard. Pardon me, Kate! But if young Mrty, will certainly improve it at twenty, madam. Brazen can find the art of reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps. Miss Hard. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make further discoveries? Hard. Agreed. But depend on't I'm in the right. Miss Hard. And depend on't I'm not much in the wrong. [Exeunt. Enter TONY, running in with a casket. Tony. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their fortune neither. O! my genius, is that you? Enter HASTINGS. Hast. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I hope you have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that you are willing to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshed in a short time, and we shall soon be ready to set off. Tony. And here's something to bear your charges by the way, [giving the casket.] Your sweetheart's jewels. Keep them, and hang those, I say, that would rob you of one of them. Hast. But how have you procured them from your mother? Tony. Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. I procured them by the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother's bureau, how could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man may rob himself of his Own at any time. Hast. Thousands do it every day. But, to be p'in with you, Miss Neville is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very instant. If she succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of obtaining them. Tony. Well, keep them, till you know how it will be. But I know how it will be well enough; she'd as soon part with the only sound tooth in her head. Hast. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds she has lost them. Mrs Hard. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural blush is beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewets are quite out at present. Don't you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my lady Kill-day-light, and Mrs Crump, and the rest of them, carry their jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back?. Miss Nev. But who knows, madam, but somebody, that shall be nameless, would like me best with all my little finery about me? Mrs Hard. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, with such a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, my dear? does your cousin Con want any jewels, in your eyes, to set off her beauty? Tony. That's as hereafter may be. Miss Nev. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me. Mrs Hard. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table-cut things. They would make you look like the court of king Solomon at a puppet-show. Besides, I believe I can't readily come at them. They may be missing for aught I know to the contrary. Tony. [Apart to MRS HARD.] Then why don't you tell her so at once, as she's so longing for them? Tell her they're lost. Its the only way to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness. Mrs Hard. [Apart to TONY.] You know, my dear, I'm only keeping them for you. So if I say they're gone, you'll bear me witness, will you? He! he! be! Tony. Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with my own eyes. Miss Nev. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be permitted to shew them as relics, and then they may be locked up again. Mrs Hard, To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I could find them, you should have them. They're missing, I assure you. Lost, for aught I know; but we must have patience wherever they are. This is but a Miss Nev. I'll not believe it. shallow pretence to deny me. I know they're too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as you are to answer for the loss. Mrs Hard. You must learn resignation, my dear; for, though we lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how calm I am. Miss Nev. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of others. Mrs Hard. Now, I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and, in the mean time, you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found. Miss Nev. I detest garnets. Mrs Hard. The most becoming things in the world to set off a clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You shall have them. [Exit. Miss Nev. I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir-Was ever any thing so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to wear trumpery? Tony. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark; he'll tell you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her. Miss Nev. My dear cousin! Tony. Vanish! She's here, and has missed them already. Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about, like & Catharine wheel! Enter MRS HARDCASTLE. Mrs Hard. Confusion! thieves! robbers! We are cheated, plundered, broke open, undone ! Tony. What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has happened to any of the good family! Mrs Hard. We are robbed! My bureau has been broke open, the jewels taken out, and I'm undone ! Tony. Oh! is that all? Ha, ha, ha! By the laws, I never saw it better acted in my life! Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, ha, ha, ha! Mrs Hard. Why, boy, I am ruined in earnest. My bureau has been broke open, and all taken Mrs Hard. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say ! Tony. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha, ha! I know who took them well enough, ha, ha, ha! Mrs Hard. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the difference between jest and earnest! I tell you I'm not in jest, booby. Tony. That's right, that's right: You must be in a bitter passion, and then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are gone. Mrs Hard. Was there ever such a crossgrained brute, that won't hear me! Can you bear witness that you're no better than a fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and thieves on the other! Tony. I can bear witness to that. Mrs Hard. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn you out of the room directly! My poor niece! what will become of her? Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress? Tony. I can bear witness to that. Mrs Hard. Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to vex your mother, I will. Tony. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him. Enter MISS HARDCASTLE, and Maid.、 Miss Hard. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, to send them to the house as an inn, ha, ha! I don't wonder at his impudence. Maid. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He mistook you for the bar-maid, madam. Miss Hard. Did he? Then, as I live, I'm resolved to keep up the delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don't you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem? Maid. It's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but when she visits or receives company. Miss Hard. And are you sure he does not remember my face or person? Maid. Certain of it. Miss Hard. I vow I thought so; for though we spoke for some time together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up during the interview. Indeed if he had, my bonnet would have kept him from seeing me. Maid. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake? Miss Hard. In the first place, I shall be seen; and that is no small advantage to a girl, who brings her face to a market. Then I shall perhaps make an acquaintance; and that's no small victory gained over one, who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief aim is to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an 6 E |