Scene IV.-Acres's Lodgings. ACRES and DAVID discovered-ACRES as just dressed. Acres. Indeed, David-dress does make a difference, David. David. 'Tis all in all, I think-difference! why, an' you were to go now to Clod Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn't know you: Master Butler would'nt believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, "Lard, presarve me!" our dairy maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly Tester, your honour's favourite, would blush like my waistcoat-Oons! I'll hold a gallon, there an't a dog in the house, but would bark, and I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail! Acres. Ay, David, there's nothing like polishing. David. So I says of your honour's boots; but the boy never heeds me! Acres. But, David, has Mr. De la Grace been here, I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring. David. I'll call again, sir. Acres. Do-and see if there are any letters for me at the Post Office. David. I will.-By the mass, I can't help looking at your head !—if I hadn't been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again my self! [Exit. [ACRES comes forward, practising a dancing step. Acres. Sink, slide-ccupee -Confound the first inventors of cotillions, say I!-they are as bad as algebra, to us country gentlemen-I can walk a minuet easy enough, when I am forced!—and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance.-Odds jiggs and tabors!-I never valued your cross-over two couplefigure in right and left-and I'd foot it with e'er a captain in the country !—but these outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me!—I shall never prosper at them, that's sure-mine are true-born English legs-they don't understand their curs'd French lingo!their pàs this, and pàs that, and pas t'other!d-me! my feet don't like to be called paws! Enter DAVID. David. Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger, to wait on you, sir. Acres. Show him in. Enter SIR LUCIUS O'TRIGger. [Exit DAVID. Sir L. Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you. Acres. My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands. Sir L. Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath? Acres. 'Faith, I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-Lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last!-In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius. I don't choose to mention names, but look on me as a very ill-used gentle man. Sir L. Pray, what is the case?—I ask no names. Acres. Mark me, Sir Lucius; I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady-her friends take my part I follow her to Bath-send word of my arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of. This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill used. Sir L. Very ill, upon my conscience!-Pray, can you divine the cause of it? Acres. Why there's the matter: she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath.Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it. Sir L. A rival in the case, is there?and you think he has supplanted you unfairly? Acres. Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly. Sir L. Then sure you know what is to be done! Sir L. We wear no swords here, but you me? Acres. What! fight him! understand Sir L. Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else? Sir L. Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul, it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship. Acres. Breach of friendship! Ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man. I never saw him in my life. Sir L. That's no argument at all-he has the less right then to take such a liberty. Acres. 'Gad, that's true-I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius! I fire apace! odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side? Sir L. What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? do you think, Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it. Acres. Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching!-I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were-a kind of courage, as I may say-odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly. Sir L. Ah, my little friend! if I had Blunderbuss Hall here I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the New Room; every one of whom had killed his man!-For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family pictures are as fresh as ever. Acres. Oh, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!every man of them colonel or captain in the militia!— odds balls and barrels! say no more-I'm braced for it. -The thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast!-Z-ds! as the man in the play says, "I could do such deeds”— Sir L. Come, come; there must be no passion at all in the case-these things should always be done civilly. Acres. I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius-I must be in a rage-Dear Sir Lucius, let me be in a rage, if you love me. -Come, here's pen and paper. [Sits down to write] I would the ink were red!—Indite, I say, indite! -How shall I begin! Odds bullets and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however. Sir L. Pray, compose yourself. Acres. Come-now, shall I begin with an oath? Do, Sir Lucius, let me begin with a d—me ! Sir L. Pho! pho! do the thing decently, and like a christian. Begin now—Sir Acres. That's too civil by half. Sir L. To prevent the confusion that might arise— Sir L. From our both addressing the same lady- Acres. Well, then, honour of your company- Acres. Well Sir L. Let me see-ay, King's Mead-fields will do -in King's Mead-fields. Acres. So, that's done.-Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest-a hand and dagger, shall be the seal. Sir L. You see, now, this little explanation will put a stop at once to all confusion or misunderstanding that might arise between you. VOL. II. F Acres. Ay, we fight to prevent any misunderstanding. Sir L. Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.— Take my advice, and you'll decide it this evening if you can; then, let the worst come of it, 'twill be off your mind to-morrow. Acres. Very true. Sir L. So I shall see nothing more of you, unless it be by letter, till the evening.—I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands. There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out. Acres. By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life, I should like to see you kill him, if it was only to get a little lesson! Sir L. I shall be very proud of instructing you.Well, for the present-but remember now, when you meet your antagonist, do every thing in a mild and agreeable manner. Let your courage be as keen, but, at the same time, as polished, as your sword. [Exeunt severally. ACT IV. Scene I.-Acres's Lodgings. ACRES and David. David. Then by the mass, sir, I would do no such thing!-ne'er a Sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wa'n't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't! Acres. But my honour, David, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour. David. Ay, by the mass! and I would be very care |