Crab. Yes, and she is a curious being to pretend to be censorious-an awkward gawky, without any one good point under heaven. Mrs. C. Positively, you shall not be so very severe. Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage, and as for her person, great allowance is to be made; for, let me tell you, a woman labours under many disadvantages who tries to pass for a girl at six-and-thirty. Lady S. Though, surely, she is handsome stilland for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads by candlelight, it is not to be wondered at. Lady S. Well, well, if Mrs. Evergreen does take some pains to repair the ravages of time, you must allow she effects it with great ingenuity; and surely that's better than the careless manner in Mrs. C. True, and then as to her manner; upon which the widow Ochre calks her wrinkles. my word, I think it is particularly graceful, consiSir B. Nay, now, Lady Sneerwell, you are se-dering she never had the least education; for you vere upon the widow. Come, come, 'tis not that know her mother was a Welsh milliner, and her she paints so ill-but when she has finished her father a sugar-baker at Bristol. face, she joins it on so badly to her neck, that she looks like a mended statue, in which the connoisseur may see at once that the head is modern, though the trunk 's antique. Crab. Ha ha ha! Well said, nephew! Mrs. C. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh; but I vow I hate you for it. What do you think of Miss Simper? Sir B. Why she has very pretty teeth. Lady T. Yes, and on that account, when she is neither speaking or laughing (which very seldom happens), she never absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it always on a jar, as it were,-thus. [Shows her teeth. Mrs. C. How can you be so ill-natured? Lady T. Nay, I allow even that's better than the pains Mrs. Prim takes to conceal her losses in front. She draws her mouth till it positively resembles the aperture of a poor's box, and all her words appear to slide out edgewise, as it were,thus-How do you do, madam? Yes, madam. [Mimics. Lady S. Very well, Lady Teazle; I see you can be a little severe. Lady T. In defence of a friend it is but justice. But here comes Sir Peter to spoil our pleasantry. Enter Sir PETER TEAZLE.' Sir. P. Ladies, your most obedient. Mercy on me! here is the whole set! a character dead at every word, I suppose. [Aside. Mrs. C. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter. They have been so censorious--they'll allow good qualities to nobody. Sir P. That must be very distressing to you, indeed, Mrs. Candour. Mrs. C. Not even good-nature to our friend Mrs. Pursy. Lady T. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Quadrille's last night? Mrs. C. Nay, but her bulk is her misfortune; and when she takes such pains to get rid of it, you saght not to reflect on her. Lady S. That's very true, indeed. Lady T. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey; laces herself by pullies; and often, in the hottest noon in summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a drummer's, and puffing round the Ring on a full trot. Mrs. C. I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her. damned good-natured! This their mercy on me! Sir B. Ah! you are both of you too good-natured! Sir P. Yes own relation. [Aside. Sir B. And Mrs. Candour is of so moral a turn. Mrs. C. Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend; and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle and you all know what pretensions she has to be critical on beauty. Crab. O to be sure! she has herself the oddest countenance that ever was seen; 'tis a collection of features from all the different countries of the globe. Sir B. So she has, indeed-an Irish front-- Crab. Austrian lips Sir R. Complexion of a Spaniard- Sir B. In short, her face resembles a table d'hôte at Spa-where no two guests are of a nation Crab. Or a congress at the close of a general war -wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a different interest, and her nose and chin are the only parties likely to join issue. Mrs. C. Ha! ha! ha! Sir P. Mercy on my life!-a person they dine with twice a week. [Aside. Mrs. C. Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh off so-for, give me leave to say, that Mrs. Ogle Sir P. Madam, madam, I beg your pardonthere's no stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I tell you, Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her part. Lady S. Ha! ha! ha! Well said, Sir Peter! but you are a cruel creature,-too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too peevish to allow wit in others. Sir P. Ah! madam, true wit is more nearly allied to good-nature than your ladyship is aware of. Lady T. True, Sir Peter; I believe they are so near akin that they can never be united. Sir B. Or rather, suppose them man and wife, because one so seldom sees them together. Lady T. But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I believe he would have it put down by parliament. Sir P. 'Fore heaven, madam, if they were to consider the sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors, and pass an act for Mrs. C. But, Sir Benjamin is as censorious as the preservation of fame, as well as game, I believe Mias Sallow Sir P. Yes, a good defence, truly! many would thank them for the bill. Lady S. O Lud! Sir Peter: would you deprive for me?-Child, you are wanted in the next room. us of our privileges? -[Exit MARIA.]-What is all this, pray? Sir P. Ay, madam; and then no person should be permitted to kill characters and run down reputations, but qualified old maids and disappointed widows. Lady S. Go, you monster! Mrs. C. But, surely, you would not be quite so severe on those who only report what they hear? Sir P. Yes, madam. I would have law merchant for them too; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should have a right to come on any of the indorsers. [Servant enters and whispers Sir PETER. Crab. Well, for my part, I believe there never was a scandalous tale without some foundation. Lady S. Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in the next room? Sir P [To the Servant.] I'll be with them directly-I'll get away unperceived. [Apart. [Exit Servant. Lady S. Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us ? Joseph S. O, the most unlucky circumstance in nature! Maria has somehow suspected the tender concern I have for your happiness, and threatened to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions, and I was just endeavouring to reason with her when you came in. Lady T. Indeed! but you seemed to adopt a very tender method of reasoning-do you usually argue on your knees? Joseph S. O, she's a child, and I thought a little bombast.-But, Lady Teazle, when are you to give me your judgment on my library, as you promised? Lady T. No, no; I begin to think it would be imprudent, and you know I admit you as a lover no farther than fashion requires. Joseph S. True-a mere platonic cicisbeo-what every London wife is entitled to. Lady T. Certainly, one must not be out of the fashion. However, I have so many of my country prejudices left, that, though Sir Peter's ill-humour may vex me ever so, it never shall provoke me to Sir P. Your ladyship must excuse me; I'm called away by particular business. But I leave my cha--I applaud your moderation. racter behind me. [Exit. Sir B. Well-certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of yours is a strange being: I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh heartily, if he were not your husband. Joseph S. The only revenge in your power. Well Lady T. O, pray don't mind that;-why don't you?-come, do let's hear them. SURFACE and MARIA advance. Joseph S. Maria, I see you have no satisfaction in this society. Lady T. Go-you are an insinuating wretch. But we shall be missed-let us join the company. Joseph S. But we had best not return together. Lady T. Well-don't stay; for Maria sha'n't come to hear any more of your reasoning, I promise you. [Exit LADY TEAZLE. Joseph S. A curious dilemma, truly, my politics have run me into! I wanted, at first, only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle, that she might not be my enemy with Maria; and I have, I don't know how, become her serious lover. Sincerely, I begin to wish I had never made such a point of gaining so very good a character, for it has led me into so many damn'd rogueries, that I doubt I shall be ex Maria. How is it possible I should?-If to raise malicious smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us, be the province of wit or humour, Heaven grant me a double por-posed at last. tion of dulness! Joseph S. Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are, they have no malice at heart. Maria. Then is their conduct still more contemptible; for, in my opinion, nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues, but a na tural and uncontrollable bitterness of mind. Joseph S But can you, Maria, feel thus for others, and be unkind to me alone?-Is hope to be denied the tenderest passion? Maria. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject? [Exit SCENE III.-Sir PETER TEAZLE'S. ha! That he should have stood bluff to old bachelor Row. But you must not rally him on the subject, Sir Oliver; 'tis a tender point, I assure you, though he has been married only seven months. Sir O. Then he has been just half a year on the Joseph S. Ah, Maria! you would not treat me stool of repentance !--Poor Peter!-But you say thus, and oppose your guardian, Sir Peter's will, he has entirely given up Charles,-never sees him, but that I see that profligate Charles is still a fa-hey? voured rival. Maria. Ungenerously urged!-But whatever my sentiments are for that unfortunate young man, be assured I shall not feel more bound to give him up, because his distresses have lost him the regard even of a brother. Joseph S. Nay, but Maria, do not leave me with a frown: by all that's honest, I swear. Gad's life, here's Lady Teazle!-[Aside.]-You must not-no, you shall not-for, though I have the greatest regard for Lady Teazle Maria. Lady Teazle! Row. His prejudice against him is astonishing, and I am sure, greatly increased by a jealousy of him with Lady Teazle, which he has been industriously led into by a scandalous society in the neighbourhood, who have contributed not a little to Charles's ill name. Whereas, the truth is, I believe, if the lady is partial to either of them, his brother is the favourite. Sir O. Ay, I know there are a set of malicious, prating prudent gossips, both male and female, who murder characters to kill time; and will rob a young fellow of his good name, before he has years to know the value of it.-But I am not to be prejudiced against my nephew by such, I promise you. —No, no,-if Charles has done nothing false or Lady T. What is this, pray? Does he take her mean, I shall compound for his extravagance. Joseph S. Yet, were Sir Peter to suspect Enter Lady TEAZLE. [Exeunt Row. Then, my life on't, you will reclaim him. | sorry that he has run out of the course a little for Ab, sir! it gives me new life to find that your my part, I hate to see prudence clinging to the heart is not turned against him; and that the son of green suckers of youth; 'tis like ivy round a sapmy good old master has one friend, however, left. ling, and spoils the growth of the tree. Sir O. What, shall I forget, Master Rowley, when I was at his years myself?-Egad, my brother and I were neither of us very prudent youths; and yet, I believe, you have not seen many better men than your old master was. Row. Sir, 'tis this reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet be a credit to his family.-But here comes Sir Peter. ACT III. SCENE I.-Sir PETER TEAZLE'S. Sir O. Egad, so he does.-Mercy on me!-he's Enter Sir OLIVER SURFACE, Sir PETER TEAZLE, greatly altered-and seems to have a settled married look! One may read husband in his face at this distance! Enter Sir PETER TEAZLE." Sir P. Hah! Sir Oliver-my old friend! come to England a thousand times! and ROWLEY. Sir P. Well, then, we will see this fellow first, and have our wine afterwards :-but how is this, master Rowley? I don't see the jet of your scheme Row. Why, sir, this Mr. Stanley, whom I was Wel-speaking of, is nearly related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin, but has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes. both to Mr. Surface and Charles; from the former He has applied, by letter, since his confinement. he has received nothing but evasive promises of future service, while Charles has done all that his Sir O. Thank you-thank you, Sir Peter! and 'faith I am glad to find you well, believe me. Sir P. Oh! tis a long time since we met-fifteen years, I doubt, Sir Oliver, and many a cross accident in the time. Sir O. Ay, I have had my share. But, what! I find you are married, hey, my old boy?--Well well-it can't be helped-and so-I wish you joy with all my heart. Sir P. Thank you, thank you, Sir O. True, true, Sir Peter: old friends should not begin on grievances at first meeting-no, no, no. Row. Take care, pray sir. Sir O. Well-so one of my nephews is a wild rogue, I find, hey? Sir P. Wild!-Ah! my old friend, I grieve for your disappointment there; he's a lost young man, indeed. However, his brother will make you amends; Joseph is, indeed, what a youth should be. Everybody in the world speaks well of him. Sir 0. I am sorry to hear it; he has too good a character to be an honest fellow. Everybody speaks well of him!-Pshaw! then he has bowed as low to knaves and fools as to the honest dignity of ge nius and virtue. Sir P. What, Sir Oliver! do you blame him for not making enemies? Sir O. Yes, if he has merit enough to deserve them. Sir P. Well, well-you'll be convinced when you know him. 'Tis edification to hear him converse; he professes the noblest sentiments. Sir O. Oh! plague of his sentiments! If he salates me with a scrap of morality in his mouth, I thall be sick directly-But, however, don't mistake me, Sir Peter; I don't mean to defend Charles's errors: but before I form my judgment of either of them, I intend to make a trial of their hearts; and my friend Rowley and I have planned something for the purpose. Row. And Sir Peter shall own for once he has been mistaken. Sir P. Oh! my life on Joseph's honour. Sir O. Well-come, give us a bottle of good wine, and we'll drink the lads' health, and tell you our scheme. Ser P. Allons then! extravagance has left him power to do; and he is, at this time, endeavouring to raise a sum of money, part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know he intends for the service of poor Stanley. Sir O. Ah; he is my brother's son! Sir P. Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to Row. Why, sir, I will inform Charles and his brother, that Stanley has obtained permission to apply personally to his friends, and as they have neither of them ever seen him, let Sir Oliver assume his character, and he will have a fair oppor their dispositions; and believe me, sir, you will tunity of judging, at least, of the benevolence of find in the youngest brother, one, who, in the midst of folly and dissipation, has still, as our immortal bard expresses it," a heart to pity, and a hand, open as day, for melting charity." Sir P. Pshaw! What signifies his having an open hand or purse either, when he has nothing left to give? Well, well-make the trial, if you please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, relative to Charles's affairs? Row. Below, waiting his commands, and no one can give him better intelligence. This, Sir Oliver every thing in his power to bring your nephew to is a friendly Jew, who, to do him justice, has done a proper sense of his extravagance. Sir P. Pray let us have him in. Row. Desire Mr. Moses to walk up stairs. Sir P. But, pray, why should you suppose he will speak the truth? Row. Oh! I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering certain sums advanced to Charles, but through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who he knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his fidelity to his own interests: I have also another evidence in my power, one Snake, whom I have detected in a matter little short of forgery, and shall shortly produce to remove some of your prejudices, Sir Peter, relative to Charles and Lady Teazle. Sir P. I have heard too much on that subject. Si O. And don't, Sir Peter, be so severe against your old friend's son. Odds my life 1 am not This is Sir Oliver Sir O. Sir, I understand you have lately had great dealings with my nephew, Charles. Moses. Yes, Sir Óliver, I have done all I could for him; but he was ruined before he came to me for assistance. Sir O. That was unlucky, truly; for you have had no opportunity of showing your talents. Moses. None at all; I hadn't the pleasure of knowing his distresses till he was some thousands worse than nothing. Sir O. Unfortunate, indeed!-but I suppose you have done all in your power for him, honest Moses? Moses. Yes, he knows that;-this very evening I was to have brought him a gentleman from the city, who does not know him, and will, I believe, advance him some money. Sir P. What!-one, Charles had never money from before? Moses. Yes-Mr. Premium, of Crutched-friars, formerly a broker. Sir P. Egad, Sir Oliver, a thought strikes me !— Charles, you say, does not know Mr. Premium? Moses. Not at all. yourself, but are forced to borrow them for him of friend. Sir O. Oh! I borrow it of a friend, do I? Moses. Yes; and your friend is an unconscion able dog: but you can't help that. Sir O. My friend an unconscionable dog, is he? Moses. Yes, and he himself has not the monies by him, but is forced to sell stock at a great loss. Sir O. He is forced to sell stock at a great loss, is he? Well, that's very kind of him. Sir P. I'faith, Sir Oliver-Mr. Premium, I mean, you'll soon be master of the trade. Sir O. Moses shall give me further instructions as we go together. Sir P. You will not have much time, for your nephew lives hard by. Sir O. O! never fear: my tutor appears so able, that though Charles lived in the next street, it must be my own fault if I am not a complete rogue before I turn the corner. [Exeunt Sir OLIVER SURFACE and MOSES. Sir P. So, now, I think Sir Oliver will be convinced you are partial, Rowley, and would have Row. No, upon my word, Sir Peter. Sir P. Now then, Sir Oliver, you may have a bet-prepared Charles for the other plot. ter opportunity of satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor relation go with my friend Moses, and represent Premium, and then, I'll answer for it, you'll see your nephew in all his glory. Sir O. Egad I like this idea better than the other, and I may visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley. Sir P. True-so you may. Row. Well, this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be sure;-however, Moses, you understand Sir Peter, and will be faithful? Moses. You may depend upon me; Looks at his watch.] this is near the time I was to have gone. Sir O. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses-But hold! I have forgot one thing-how the plague shall I be able to pass for a Jew? Moses. There's no need-the principal is Christian. Sir O. Is he? I'm very sorry to hear it. But then again, an't I rather too smartly dressed to look like a money-lender? Sir P. Not at all; 'twould not be out of character, if you went in your own carriage,—would it, Moses? Moses. Not in the least. Sir O. Well-but how must I talk ?-there's certainly some cant of usury and mode of treating that 1 ought to know. Sir P. O! there's not much to learn. The great point, as I take it, is to be exorbitant enough in your demands-hey, Moses? Moses. Yes, that's a very great point. Moses. If you ask him no more than that, you'll be discovered immediately. Sir O. Hey-what the plague-how much then? Moses. That depends upon the circumstances. If he appears not very anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty per cent.; but if you find him in great distress, and want the monies very bad, you may ask duble. Sir P. A good honest trade you're learning, Sir Oliver! Sir P. Well, go bring me this Snake, and I'm hear what he has to say, presently. -I see Maria, and want to speak with her. [Exit ROWLEY.] I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles were unjust. I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to my friend Joseph-I am determined I will do it-he will give me his opinion sincerely. Enter MARIA. So, child, has Mr. Surface returned with you? Sir P. Well, Maria, do you not reflect, the more you converse with that amiable young man, what return his partiality for you deserves ? Maria. Indeed, Sir Peter, your frequent importunity on this subject distresses me extremely-you compel me to declare, that I know no man who has ever paid me a particular attention, whom I would not prefer to Mr. Surface. Si P. So here's perverseness !-No, no, Maria, 'tis Charles only whom you would prefer. 'Tis evident his vices and follies have won your heart. Maria. This is unkind, sir. You know I have obeyed you in neither seeing nor corresponding with him: I have heard enough to convince me that he is unworthy my regard. Yet I cannot think it culpable, if, while my understanding severely condemns bis vices, my heart suggests some pity for his distresses. Sir P. Well, well, pity him as much as you please; but give your heart and hand to a worthier object. Maria. Never to his brother! Sir P. Go-perverse and obstinate! but take care, madam; you have never yet known what the authority of a guardian is: don't compel me to inform you of it. Maria. I can only say, you shall not have just reason. 'Tis true, by my father's will, I am for a short period bound to regard you as his substitute; but must cease to think you so, when you would compel me to be miserable. [Exit MARIA. Sir P. Was ever man so crossed as I am? Every thing conspiring to fret me! I had not been inSir O. Truly, I think so-and not unprofitable. volved in matrimony a fortnight, before her father, Moses. Then, you know, you hav'n't the moniesla hale and hearty man, died, on purpose, I believe, for the pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his daughter. [Lady TEAZLE sings without.] But here comes my helpmate! She appears in great good humour. How happy I should be if I could tease her into loving me, though but a little! Enter Lady TEAZLE. Laay T. Lud! Sir Peter, I hope you haven't been quarrelling with Maria? It is not using me well to be ill-humoured when I am not by. Sir P. Ah! Lady Teazle, you might have the power to make me good-humoured at all times. Lady T. I am sure I wish I had; for I want you to be in a charming sweet temper at this moment. Do be good-humoured now, and let me have two hundred pounds, will you? Sir P. There now! you want to quarrel again. Lady T. No, I am sure I don't :-but if you will be so peevish Sir P. There now! who begins first? Lady T. Why you, to be sure. I said nothingbut there's no bearing your temper. Sir P. No, no, madam: the fault's in your own temper. Lady T. Ay, you are just what my cousin Sophy said you would be. Sir P. Your cousin Sophy is a forward impertinent gipsy. Lady T. You are a great bear, I'm sure, to abuse my relations. Sir P. Now may all the plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I try to be friend with you any more! Lady T. So much the better. Sir P. No, no, madam: 'tis evident you never cared a pin for me, and I was a madman to marry you-a pert, rural coquette, that had refused half the honest 'squires in the neighbourhood. Sir P. Two hundred pounds! What, an't I to be in a good humour without paying for it? But speak to me thus, and i'faith there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it [Gives her notes]; but seal me a bond for the repayment. Lady T. O no-there-my note of hand will do as well. [Offering her hand. Lady T. And I am sure I was a fool to marry Sir P. And you shall no longer reproach me you--an old dangling bachelor, who was single at with not giving you an independent settlement. Ififty, only because he never could meet with any mean shortly to surprise you :- but shall we always one who would have him. live thus, hey? Lady T. If you please. I'm sure I don't care how soon we leave off quarrelling, provided you'll own you were tired first. Sir P. Well-then, let our future contest be, who shall be most obliging. Lady T. I assure you, Sir Peter, good nature becomes you -you look now as you did before we were married, when you used to walk with me under the elms, and tell me stories of what a gal lant you were in your youth, and chuck me under the chin, you would; and ask me if I thought I could love an old fellow, who would deny me nothing-didn't you? Sir P. Yes, yes, and you were as kind and attentive Lady T. Ay, so I was, and would always take your part, when my acquaintance used to abuse you, and turn you into ridicule. Sir P. Indeed! Lady T. Ay, and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff, peevish old bachelor, and laughed at me for thinking of marrying one who might be ay father, I have always defended you, and said, I didn't think you so ugly by any means. Sir P. Thank you. Lady T. And I dared say you'd make a very good sort of a husband. Sir P. And you prophesied right; and we shall now be the happiest couple Lady T. And never differ again? Sir P. No, never!-though at the same time, indeed, my dear Lady Teazle, you must watch your temper very seriously; for in all our little quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my love, you always begin first. Lady T. I beg your pardon, my dear Sir Peter: indeed, you always gave the provocation. Sir P. Now see, my angel! take care-contradieting isn't the way to keep friends. Lady T. Then don't you begin it, my love! Sir P. There, now! you-you are going on. You don't perceive, my life, that you are just doing the very thing which you know always makes me angry. Laay T. Nay, you know if you will be angry without any reason, my dear Sir P. Ay, ay, madam; but you were pleased enough to listen to me: you never had such an offer before. Lady T. No! did'nt I refuse Sir Tivy Terrier, who every body said would have been a better match? for his estate is just as good as yours, and he has broke his neck since we have been married. Sir P. I have done with you, madam! You are an unfeeling, ungrateful-but there's an end of every thing. I believe you capable of every thing that is bad.-Yes, madam, I now believe the re ports relative to you and Charles, madam.-Yes, madam, you and Charles are-not without grounds Lady T. Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not insinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause, I promise you. Sir P. Very well, madam! very well! A separate maintenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam, or a divorce!-I'll make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors. Lady T. Agreed! agreed !-and now, my dear Sir Peter, we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple-and never differ again, you know-ha! ha! ha! Well, you are going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you -so, bye-bye. [Esit. Sir P. Plagues and tortures! Can't I make her SCENE II.-Charles Surface's House. name? Sir O. Mr. Moses, what is my name? Trip. Premium-very well. Moses. Yes, sir; Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph, with the furniture, pictures, &c., just as |