the old gentleman left it. Sir Peter thought it a [ciety suffers by it intolerably: for now, instead of piece of extravagance in him. Sir O. In my mind, the other's economy in selling it to him was more reprehensible by half. Re-enter TRIP. Trip. My master says you must wait, gentlemen: he has company, and can't speak with you yet. Sir O. If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he would not send such a message? Trip. Yes, yes, sir: he knows you are heredid not forget little Premium: no, no, no. Sir O. Very well; and I pray, sir, what may be your name. Trip. Trip, sir; my name is Trip, at your ser. vice. Sir O. Well, then, Mr. Trip, you have a pleasant sort of place here, I guess? Trip. Why, yes-here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably enough; but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear-and not very great either-but fifty pounds a year, and find our own bags and bouquets. Sir O. Bags and bouquets' halters and bastinadoes! [Aside. Trip. And, a propos, Moses-have you been able to get me that little bill discounted? Sir 0. Wants to raise money, too!-mercy on me! Has his distresses too, I warrant, like a lord, and affects creditors and duns. the social spirit of raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy, their conversation is become just like the Spa water they drink, which bas all the pertness and flatulency of Champagne, without its spirit or flavour. Sir H. But what are they to do who love play better than wine? Care. True: there's Sir Harry diets himself for gaming, and is now under a hazard regimen. Charles. Then he'll have the worst of it. What' you wouldn't train a horse for the course by keeping him from corn? For my part, egad! I am never so successful as when I am a little merry: let me throw on a bottle of Champagne, and I never lose. All. Hey, what? Charles S. At least, I never feel my losses, which is exactly the same thing. Care. Ay, that I believe. Charles S. And then, what man can pretend to be a believer in love, who is an abjurer of wine! 'Tis the test by which the lover knows his own heart. Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that floats at the top is the maid that has bewitched you. Care. Now then, Charles, be honest and give us your real favourite. compassion to you. If I toast her, you must give Charles S. Why, I have withheld her only in [Aside. a round of her peers, which is impossible-on Moses. 'Twas not to be done, indeed, Mr. Trip.earth. Trip. Good lack, you surprise me! My friend | Care. Oh! then we'll find some canonized vesBrush has indorsed it, and I thought when he put tals, or heathen goddesses that will do, I warrant! his name at the back of a bill 'twas the same as Charles S. Here then, bumpers, you rogues! cash. bumpers! Maria! Maria! Moses. No! 'twouldn't do. Trip. A small sum-but twenty pounds. Hark'ee, Moses, do you think you couldn't get it me by way of annuity? Sir O. An annuity! ha ha! a footman raise money by way of annuity! Well done, luxury, egad! [Aside. Moses. Well, but you must ensure your place. Trip. Oh, with all my heart! I'll ensure my place, and my life too, if you please. Sir H. Maria who? have beauty superlative. Care. Nay, never study, Sir Harry: we'll stand eye, and you know you have a song will excuse to the toast, though your mistress should want an you. song instead of the lady. SONG. Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen; Sir O. It's more than I would your neck. [Aside. Moses. But is there nothing you could deposit? Trip. Why, nothing capital of my master's wardrobe has dropped lately; but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter clothes, with equity of redemption before November-or you shall have the reversion of the French velvet, or a pos-obit on the blue and silver: these, I should think, Moses, with a few pair of point ruffles, as a collateral security-Egad, I heard the bell! I be-Chorus. lieve, gentlemen, I can now introduce you. Don't forget the annuity, little Moses! This way, gentlemen. I'll insure my place, you know. Sir O. If the man be a shadow of the master, this is the temple of dissipation indeed! [Exeunt. SCENE III.-Antique Hall. Here's to the flaunting extravagant quean, I'll Drink to the lass, warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass. CHARLES SURFACE, CARELESS, Sir HARRY, &c., Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c. at a table, with wine, &c. Charles S. 'Fore beaven, 'tis true!-there's the great degeneracy of the age. Many of our acquaintance have taste, spirit, and politeness; but, plague on't, they won't drink wine. Care. It is so indeed, Charles! they give into all the substantial luxuries of the table, and abstain from nothing but wine and wit. O, certainly so Here's to the maid with a bosom of snow; Now to her that's as brown as a berry: Here's to the wife with a face full of woe, And now to the damsel that's merry Chorus. Let the toast pass, &c. For let 'em be clumsy, or let 'em be slim, Enter TRIP, and whispers CHARLES SURFACE. Charles S. Gentlemen, you must excuse me a .ittle. Careless, take the chair, will you? Care. Nay, prithee, Charles, what now? This is one of your peerless beauties, I suppose, has dropt in by chance? Charles S. No, faith! To tell you the truth, 'tis a Jew and a broker, who are come by appointment. Care. O damn it! let's have the Jew in. Sir H. Ay, and the broker too, by all means. Care. Yes, yes, the Jew and the broker. Charles S. Egad, with all my heart! Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in-[Exit TRIP]-though there's one of them a stranger, I can assure you. Care. Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they'll grow conscien tious. Care. Right, Moses-usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to succeed. Sir O. Then-here's all the success it deserves. Care. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper. Sir H. A pint bumper, at least. who has got money to lend.-I am blockhead enough to give fifty per cent. sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without farther ceremony. Sir O. Exceeding frank, upon my word.-I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments. Charles S. Oh no, sir, plain dealing in business I always think best. you are mistaken in one thing; I have no money. Sir O. Sir, I like you the better for it-however, to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog; isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you-mustn't be, Moses? Moses. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie! Charles S. Right. People that speak truth generally do; but these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't! Sir O. Well-but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose ? Charles S. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough-pots out of the window! Sir O. Nor any stock, I presume? Charles S. Nothing but live stock-and that's only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connexions? Sir O. Why, to say truth, I am. dev'lish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Charles S. Then you must know that I have a Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations. heard; but how your expectations will turn out, is Sir O. That you have a wealthy uncle I have I believe, than you can tell. more, Charles S. O no!-there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything. Sir O. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it. Moses. O pray, sir, consider-Mr. Premium's a 'tis true, don't you, Moses? gentleman. Care. And therefore loves good wine. Sir H. Give Moses a quart glass-this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair. Charles S. No hang it, you shan't! Mr. Pre mium's a stranger. Care. Plague on 'em the if they won't drink, we'll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room-Charles, you'll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen? Sir O. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. [Aside. Charles S. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time, the old fellow has been be very sorry to hear that anything had happened so liberal to me, tha: I give you my word, I should to him. Sir O. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me-for I might live Charles S. I will! I will! [Exeunt all the Gento a hundred, and never see the principal. tlemen,] Careless! Care. [Returning.] Well! Charles S. Perhaps I may want you. Care. O, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, 'tis all the same to me. [Exit. Moses. Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is Charles S. O, yes, you would-the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money. Sir O. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life. Sir Oliver is too good a life? Sir O. No, indeed, I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom. Charles S. Pshaw! have done.-Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at Charles S. There again, now you are misinexpression: he'll be an hour giving us our titles. formed. No, no, the climate has hurt him consiMr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: derably, p or uncle Oliver! Yes, yes, he breaks I am an extravagant young fellow, who want money apace, I'm told-and is so much altered lately, that toborrow-you I take to be a prudent old fellow, his nearest relations would not know him! Sir O. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately, that his nearest relations would not know him! ha ha! egad-Ha! ba! ha! Care. O, burn your ancestors! Charles S. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you Charles S. Ha ha!-you're glad to hear that, shall be auctioneer; so come along with us. little Premium? Sir O. No, no, I'm not. Care. Oh, have with you, if that's the case, I can handle a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! Charles S. Yes, yes, you are-ha! ha! ha!-going! You know that mends your chance. Sir O. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over?nay, some say he is actually arrived? Charles S. Pshaw! Sure I must know better than you whether he's come or not. No, no; rely on't, he's at this moment at Calcutta-is'nt he, Moses? Moses. O yes, certainly. Sir O. Very true, as you say, you must know beter than 1, though I have it from pretty good authority-hav'nt I, Moses? Moses. Yes, most undoubted!" Sir O. But, sir, as I understand you want a few bundreds immediately-is there nothing you could dispose of? Charles S. How do you mean? Sir O. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy oid plate? Charles S. O lud! - that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you better than I can. Sir O. Good lack! all the family race cups and corporation bowls. [Aside.]-Then it was also, Sir O. Oh, the profligates! [Aside. Charles S. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business? Ha! ha! ha! yes, Sir O. O yea, I do, vastly. yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction-ha! ha!-O the prodigal! [isid. Charles S. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations? Sir O. I'll never forgive him; never! never! [Exeunt. ACT IV. SCENE I.-Picture Room at Charles's. Enter CHARLES SURFACE, Sir OLIVER SURFACE, MOSES, and CARELESS. Charles S. Walk in, gentlemen; pray walk insupposed that his library was one of the most va-here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the luable and complete. Conquest. Charles S. Yes, yes, so it was-vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself. Sir O. Mercy upon me! Learning that had run in the family like an heir-loom! [Aside.]--Pray, what are become of the books? Charles S. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Pr-mium, for I don't believe even Moses can direct you. Moses. I know nothing of books. Sir O. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose? Sure, you Charles S. Not much indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a roomfull of ancestors above, and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain. Sir O. Hey! what the devil! would'nt sell your forefathers, would you? Charles S. Every man of them to the best bidder. Sir O. What! your great uncles and aunts? Charles S. Ay, and my great grandfathers and grandmothers too. Sir O. Now I give him up. [Aside.]-What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life, do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood? Charles S. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care if you have your money's worth. Sir O. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvass. Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never! [Aside, Enter CARELE S. Care. Come, Charles, what keeps you? Charles S. I can't come yet: i'faith, we are going to have a sale above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors. Sir O. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection. Charles S. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait painting;-no volontier grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of ou; so that you may sink the original, and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness-all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides. Sir O. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again. Charles S. I hope not.-Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am: here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family.-But, come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair of my grandfather's will answer the purpose. Care. Ay, ay, this will do.-But, Charles, I hav'n't a hammer; and what's an auctioneer without his hammer? Charles S. Egad, that's true; what parchment have we here?-0, our genealogy in full. Here, Careless,-you shall have no common bit of mahogany; here's the family tree for you, you rogue,-this shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree. Sir O. What an unnatural rogue!-an ex post facto parricide! [Aside. Care. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed; faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain.-Come, begin-A-going, a-going, a-going! Charles S. Bravo, Careless!-Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard Raveline, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and go that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet.- an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think What say you, Mr. Premium ?-look at him-so, little Premium ? there's a hero, not cut out of his feathers, as your modern-clipt captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be.-What do you bid? Sir O. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak. Charles S. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great aunt Deborah, done by Kneller in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten -the sheep are worth the money. Sir O. Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself! [Aside.]—Five pounds ten -she's mine. Sir O. Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive;-but I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber? Charles S. No, hang it; I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've a room to put it in. Sir O. The rogue's my nephew after all! [Aside.] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture. Charles S. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it.-Oons, haven't you got enough of them? Sir O. I forgive him everything! [Aside.]-But, sir, when I take a whim in my head I don't value money. I'll give you as much for that as for all the rest. Charles S. Don't tease me, master broker; I tell you I'll not part with it, and there's an end of it. Sir O. How like his father the dog is! [Aside.] -Well, well, I have done.—I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a resemcir-blance. [Aside.]-Here is the draught for your sum. Charles S. Why, 'tis for eight hundred pounds. Sir O. You will not let Sir Oliver go? Charles S. Knock down my aunt Deborah, Careless-This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's, a learned judge, well known on the western cuit. What do you rate him at, Moses? Moses. Four guineas. Charles S. Four guineas!-Gad's life, you don't bid me the price of his wig.-Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen. Sir O. By all means. Care Gone! Charles S. Zounds! no!-I tell you once more. Sir O. Then never mind the difference, we'll balance that another time-but give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles -I beg pardon, sir, for being so free.-Come, Moses. Charles S. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! hark'ee, Premium, you'll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen? Charles S. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both mem-But bers of parliament, and noted speakers; and what's very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold. Sir O. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at your own price, for the honour of parliament. Care. Well said, little Premium!-I'll knock them down at forty. Charles S. Here's a jolly fellow-I don't know what relation, but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds. Sir O. No, no: six will do for the mayor. Charles S. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen But, plague on't, we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds, and take all that remains on each side in a lump. Care. Ay, ay, that will be the best way. Sir O. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; -they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over. Care. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee? Sir Ŏ. Yes, yes, I'll send for them in a day or two. Sir O. A dear extravagant rogue! [Aside.]Good day!-Come, Moses.--Let me hear now who dares call him profligate! [Exeunt Sir OLIVER SURFACE and MOSES. Care. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with. Charles S. Egad, he's the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. -But hark! here's Rowley; do, Careless, say I'll join the company in a few moments. Care. I will-don't let that old blockhead persuade you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows. Charles S. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them. Ay, ay, never fear. -[Exit CARELESS.]-Soh! this was an odd old fellow, inSir O. Yes, sir, I mean that, though I don't | deed.- -Let me see-two-thirds of this five hunthink him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means. Charles S. What! that?-Oh! that's my uncle Oliver; 'twas done before he went to India. dred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. 'Fore Heaven! I find one's ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them for!-Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful servant. Enter RowLEY. Care. Your uncle Oliver!-Gad, then you'll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiv. Hah! old Rowley! egad, your just come in time ing eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! to take leave of your old acquaintance. Row. Yes, I heard they were a going. But Ilieve it, that puppy intercepted the Jew on our wonder you can have such spirits under so many coming, and wanted to raise money before he got to his master. distresses. Charles S. Why, there's the point! my distresses are so many, that I can't afford to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, is very affecting but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I? Row. There's no making you serious a moment. Charles S. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my bonest Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley. Row. A hundred pounds! Consider only Charles S. Gad's life, don't talk about it: poor Stanley's wants are pressing, and if you don't make haste, we shall have some one call that has a better right to the money. Row. Ah! there's the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old proverb Charles S. "Be just before you're generous.". Why, so I would if I could; but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can't get her to keep pace with Generosity for the soul of me. JOSEPH SURFACE and a Servant discovered. Joseph S. I am surprised she has not sent, if she vour. Serv. I believe that must be Lady Teazle. Joseph S. Hold !--See whether it is or not before you go to the door: I have a particular message Row. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour's re-for you, if it should be my brother. flection Charles S. Ay, ay, it's very true; but, hark'ee, Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I'll give; so damn your economy, and away to old Stanley with [Exeunt. the money. SCENE II-A Saloon. Enter MOSES and Sir OLIVER SURFACE. Sir O. But he would not sell my picture. Sir O. But he would not sell my picture.——O, here's Rowley. Enter RowLEY. Row. So, Sir Oliver, I find you have made a purchase Sir O. Yes, yes, our young rake has parted with his ancestors like old tapastry Row. And here has he commissioned me to redeliver you part of the purchase-money- I mean, though, in your necssi ous character of old Stanley. Moses. Ah! there is the pity of aii; he is so damned charitable. Row. And I left a hosier and two tailors in the hall, who, I'm sure, won't be paid, and this hundred would satisfy them. Sir O. Wel, well, I'll pay his debts, and his benevolence too. But now I am no more a broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder brother as old Stanley. Row. Not yet awhile; Sir Peter, I know, means o call there about this time. Enter TRIP. Serv. 'Tis her ladyship, sir; she always leaves her chair at the milliner's in the next street. Joseph S. Stay, stay; draw that screen before the window-[Servant does so.]-that will do; my opposite neighbour is a lady of curious temper.-[Servant exit.]-I have a difficult hand to play in this affair. Lady Teazle has lately suspected my views on Maria; but she must by no means be let into that secret,—at least, till I have her more in my power. Enter Lady TEAZLE. Lady T. What! sentiment in soliloquy now? Have you been very impatient?-O lud! don't pretend to look grave.-I vow I could'nt come before. Joseph S. O madam, punctuality is a species of Constancy very unfashionable in a lady of quality. Lady T. Upon my word you ought to pity me. Do you know Sir Peter is grown so ill-natured to me of late, and so jealous of Charles too-that's the best of the story, isn't it? Joseph S. I am glad my scandalous friends keep that up. [Aside. Lady T. I am sure I wish he would let Maria marry him, and then perhaps he would be convinced; don't you, Mr. Surface? Joseph S. Indeed I do not. [Aside.]-Oh certainly I do! for then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were, of my having any design on the silly girl. Lady T. Well, well, I'm inclined to believe you. But, is'nt it provoking, to have the most ill-natured things said of one?-And there's my friend, Lady Sneerwell, has circulated I don't know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any foundation too-that's what vexes me. Joseph S. Ay, madam, to be sure, that is the provoking circumstance-without foundation; yes, yes, there's the mortification, indeed; for when a show-scandalous story is believed against one, there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it. Trip. O, gentlemen, I beg pardon for not Lady T. No, to be sure, then I'd forgive their |