malice; but to attack me, who am really so innocent, and who never say an ill-natured thing of any body that is, of any friend; and then Sir Peter too, to have him so peevish, and so suspicious, when I know the integrity of my own heart-indeed, 'tis monstrous! Joseph S But, my dear Lady Teazle, 'tis your own fault if you suffer it. When a husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his wife, and withdraws his confidence from her, the original compact is broken, and she owes it to the honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him. Lady T. Indeed!-so that if he suspects me without cause, it follows, that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for't. Joseph S. Undoubtedly-for your husband should never be deceived in you,-and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discern ment. would not choose Sir Peter to come up withour announcing him. Joseph S. Sir Peter-Oons-the devil! -Lady T. Sir Peter! O lud-I'm ruined-I'm ruined! Serv. Sir, 'twasn't I let him in. Lady T. Oh! I'm quite undone! What will become of me? Now, Mr. Logic-Oh! mercy, sir, he's on the stairs-I'll get behind here-and if ever I'm so imprudent again[Goes behind the screen. [Sits down. Joseph S. Give me that book. Enter Sir PETER. Sir P. Ay, ever improving himself Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface! Joseph S. Oh! my dear Sir Peter, I beg your pardon-I have been dosing over a stupid book.Well, I am much obliged to you for this call. You Lady T. To be sure, what you say is very rea-haven't been here, I believe, since I fitted up this sonable; and when the consciousness of my inno-room.-Books, you know, are the only things I am a coxcomb in. cence Joseph S. Ah! my dear madam, there is the great mistake: 'tis this very conscious innocence that is of the greatest prejudice to you. What is it makes you negligent of forms, and careless of the world's opinion-why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you thoughtless in your conduct, and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences?-why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you impatient of Sir] Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions? -why, the consciousness of your innocence. Lady T. 'Tis very true! Joseph S. Now, my dear Lady Teazle, if you would but once make a trifling fuur pas, you can't conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour and agree with your husband. Lady T. Do you think so? Joseph S. Oh! I am sure on't; and then you wou'd find all scandal would cease at once; for, in snort, your character at present is like a person in a plethora, absolutely dying from too much health. Lady T. So, so; then I perceive your prescription is, that I must sin in my own defence, and part with my virtue to preserve my reputation. Joseph S. Exactly so, upon my credit, ma'am. Lady T. Well, certainly this is the oddest docrine, and the newest receipt for avoiding calumny! Joseph S. An infallible one, believe me. Prudence, like experience, must be paid for. Lady T. Why, if my understanding were once convinced Sir P. 'Tis very neat indeed.-Well, well, that's proper; and you can make even your screen a source of knowledge-hung, I perceive, with maps? [Walking up towards the screen. Joseph S. O, yes, I find great use in that screen. [Turning Sir PETER away from the screen. Sir P. I dare say you must, certainly, when you want to find anything in a hurry. Joseph S. Aye, or to hide anything in a hurry either. [Aside. Sir P. Well, I have a little private businessJoseph S. You need not stay. [Exit Servant.] Here's a chair, Sir Peter-I beg― Sir P. Well, now we are alone, there is a subject, my dear friend, on which I wish to unburden my mind to you-a point of the greatest moment to my peace; in short, my good friend, Lady Teazle's conduct of late has made me very unhappy. Joseph S. Indeed! I am very sorry to hear it. Sir P. Yes, 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me; but, what's worse, I have pretty good authority to suppose she has formed an attachment to another. Joseph S. Indeed! you astonish me! Sir P. Yes; and, between ourselves, I think I've discovered the person. Joseph S. How! you alarm me exceedingly. Sir P. Ay, my dear friend, I knew you would sympathize with me! Joseph S. Yes-believe me, Sir Peter, such a discovery would hurt me just as much as it would you. Joseph S. O, certainly, madam, your understand- Sir P. I am convinced of it.-Ah! it is a hap- Lady T. Don't you think we may as well leave honour out of the argument? Joseph S. Ah! the ill effects of your country education, I see, still remain with you. Lady T. I doubt they do, indeed; and I will fairly own to you, that if I could be persuaded to do wrong, it would be by Sir Peter's ill usage, Booner than your honourable logic after all. Jeseph S. Then, by this hand, which he is unworthy of[Taking her hand. Enter Servant. death, you blockhead--what do you want? Serv. I beg your pardon, sir, but I thought you! Joseph S. I haven't the most distant idea. It can't be Sir Benjamin Backbite? Sir P. Oh, no! What say you to Charles? Sir P. Oh my dear friend, the goodness of your own heart misleads you. You judge of others by yourself. Joseph S. Certainly, Sir Peter, the heart that is couscious of its own integrity is ever slow to credit another's treachery. Sir P. True-but your brother has no sentiment -you never hear him talk so. Joseph S. Yet, I can't but think Lady Teazle herself has too much principle. Sir P. Ay, but what is principle against the flattery of a handsome, lively, young fellow? Joseph S. That's very true. Sir P. And then, you know, the difference of our ages makes it very improbable that she should have any very great affection for me; and if she were to be frail, and I were to make it public, why the town would only laugh at me, the foolish old bachelor, who had married a girl. Joseph S. That's true, to be sure they would laugh. Sir P. Laugh-ay, and make ballads, and paragraphs, and the devil knows what, of me. Joseph S. No-you must never make it public. Sir P. But then again-that the nephew of my old friend Sir Oliver, should be the person to attempt such a wrong, hurts me more nearly. Joseph S. Ay, there's the point.-When ingratitude barbs the dart of injury, the wound has double danger in it. Sir P. Ay-I, that was in a manner, left his guardian; in whose house he had been so often entertained; who never in my life denied him— any advice. Serv. Your brother, sir, is speaking to a gentleman in the street, and says he knows you are within. Joseph S. 'Sdeath, blockhead, I'm not withinI'm out for the day. Sir P. Stay-hold-a thought has struck me :you shall be at home. Joseph S. Well, well, let him up. [Erit Servant.] He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however. [Aside. Sir P. Now, my good friend, oblige me. I entreat you.-Before Charles comes, let me conceal myself somewhere-then do you tax him on the point we have been talking, and his answer may satisfy me at once. Joseph S. O fie, Sir Peter! would you have me too! join in so mean a trick!-To trepan my brother, Joseph S. O, 'tis not to be credited. There may be a man capable of such baseness, to be sure; but Sir P. Nay, you tell me you are sure he is infor my part, till you can give me positive proofs, nocent; if so, you do him the greatest service by I cannot but doubt it. However, if it should be giving him an opportunity to clear himself, and proved on him, he is no longer a brother of mine-you will set my heart at rest. Come, you shall not I disclaim kindred with him: for the man who can refuse me. [Going up] here, behind this screen will break through the laws of hospitality, and tempt be-Hey! what the devil! there seems to be one the wife of his friend, deserves to be branded as listener here already-I'll swear I saw a petticoat. the pest of society. Sir P. What a difference there is between you! what noble sentiments! Joseph S. Yet, I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honour. Sir P. I am sure I wish to think well of her, and to remove all ground of quarrel between us. She has lately reproached me more than once with having made no settlement on her; and, in our last quarrel, she almost hinted that she should not break her heart if I was dead. Now, as we seem to differ in our ideas of expense, I have resolved she shall have her own way, and be her own mistress, in that respect, for the future; and if I were to die, she will find I have not been inattentive to her interest while living. Here, my friend, are the drafts of two deeds, which I wish to have your opinion on. By one, she will enjoy eight hundred a year independent while I live; and, by the other, the bulk of my fortune after my death. Joseph S. This conduct, Sir Peter, is indeed truly generous. I wish it may not corrupt my pupil. [Aside. Sir P. Yes, I am determined she shall have no cause to complain, though I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection yet awhile. Josep S. Nor I, if I could help it. [Aside. Sir P. And now, my dear friend, if you please, we will talk over the situation of your hopes with Maria. Joseph S. O, no, Sir Peter; another time, if you please. Sir P. I am sensibly chagrined at the little progress you seem to make in her affections. Joseph S. I beg you will not mention it, sir. What are my disappointments when your happiness is in debate!--'Sdeath! I shall be ruined every way. Joseph S. Ha ha! ba! Well this is ridiculous enough. I'll tell you, Sir Peter, though I hold a man of intrigue to be a most despicable character, yet, you know, it does not follow that one is to be French milliner-a silly rogue that plagues me,an absolute Joseph either! Hark'ee, 'tis a little and having some character to lose, on your coming, sir, she ran behind the screen. Sir P. Ah! Joseph! Joseph! Did I ever think that you-But, egad, she has overheard all I have been saying of my wife. Joseph S. O, 'twill never go any farther, you may depend upon it. Sir P. No! then, faith, let her hear it out— Here's a closet will do as well. Joseph S. Well, go in there. [Going into the closet Joseph S. A narrow escape, indeed! and a curious situation I'm in, to part man and wife in this Charles S. Holla! brother, what has been the matter? Your fellow would not let me up at first. What! have you had a Jew or a wench with you? Joseph S. Neither, brother, I assure you? Charles S. But what has made Sir Peter steal off? I thought he had been with you. [Aside. Joseph S. He was, brother; but hearing you were coming, he did not choose to stay. Sir P. And though you are sɔ averse to my ac Charles S. What! was the old gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money of him? Joseph S. No, sir: but I am sorry to find, Charles, that you have lately given that worthy man grounds for great uneasiness. Charles S. Yes, they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men-But how so, pray? Joseph S. To be plain with you, brother-he thinks you are endeavouring to gain Lady Teazle's affections from him. Charles S. Who, I? O lud! not I, upon my word Ha, ha, ha, ha! So the old fellow has found out that he has got a young wife, has he? Joseph S. This is no subject to jest on, brother. He who can laugh Charles S. True, true, as you were going to say -then, seriously, I never had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour. Joseph S. Well, it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this. [Aloud. Charles S. To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to have taken a fancy to me; but, upon my soul, I never gave her the least encouragement: besides, you know my attachment to Maria. Joseph S. But sure, brother, even it Lady Teazle had betrayed the fondest partiality for you Charles S. Egad, then, "twas lucky you didn't hear any more wasn't it, Joseph ? [Apart to JOSEPH. Sir P. Ah! you would have retorted on him. Charles S. Ay, ay, that was a joke. Sir P. Yes, yes, I know his honour too well. Charles S. But you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter, for all that-mightn't he, Joseph ? [Apart to JOSEPH. Sir P. Well, well, I believe you. Joseph S. Would they were both out of the room? [Aside. Sir P. And in future, perhaps, we may not be such strangers. Enter Servant. Serv. Lady Sneerwell is below, and says she will come up. Joseph S. Lady Sneerwell! Gads life! she must not come here! Gentlemen, I beg pardon-I must wait on you down stairs: here is a person come on particular business. Charles S. Well, you can see him in another room. Sir Peter and I have not met a long time and I have omething to say to him. Joseph S. They must not be left together. [Aside.] I'll send Lady Speerweli away, and return diCharles S. Why, look'ee, Joseph, I hope I shall rectly.-Sir Peter, not a word of the French milnever deliberately do a dishonourable action; but liner. [Apart to Sir PETER if a pretty woman was purposely to throw herself Sir P. I! not for the world!--[Apart to JOSEPH.] in my way-and that pretty woman married to a-Ah! Charles, if you associated more with your man old enough to be her fatherbrother, one might indeed hope for your reforJoseph S. Wellmation. He is a man of sentiment-Well, there Charles S. Why, I believe I should be obliged to-is nothing in the world so noble as a man of senJoseph S. What? timent! Charles S. To borrow a little of your morality, Charles S. Pshaw! he is too moral by halfthat's all. But, brother, do you know now, that and so apprehensive of his good name, as he calls you surprise me exceedingly, by naming me with it, that he would as soon let a priest into his house Lady Teazle; for, faith, I always understood you as a wench. were her favourite. Sir P. No, no.-Come, come,-you wrong him. Joseph S. O, for shame, Charles! This retort is-No, no! Joseph is no rake, but he is no such foolish. saint either, in that respect.-I have a great mind to tell him—we should have such a laugh at Joseph. Charles S. Nay, I swear I have seen you exchange such significant glances Joseph S. Nay, nay, sir, this is no jest. Charles S. Egad, I'm serious.-Don't you remember one day when I called hereJoseph S. Nay, prythee, Charles Charles S. And found you together Joseph S. Zounds, sir! I insist [Aside. Charles S. Oh, hang him! He's a very anchorite a young hermit. Sir P. Hark'ee-you must not abuse him: he may chance to hear of it again, I promise you. Charles S. Why, you won't tell him? Sir P. No-but-this way. Egad, I'll tell him. Charles S. And another time when your servant--[Aside.] Hark'ee-have you a mind to have a Joseph S. Brother, brother, a word with you! good laugh at Joseph? Gad, I must stop him. [Aside. Charles S. I should like it of all things. Sir P. Then, i'faith, we will-I'll be quit with him for discovering me-He had a girl with him when I called. [Whispers. Charles S. What! Joseph ?-you jest. Sir P. Hush!--a little French milliner-and the best of the jest is--she's in the room now. Charles S. The devil she is! [Looking at closet. Sir P. Hush! I tell you! [Points to screen. Charles S. Behind the screen! 'Slife, let us un Charles S. Informed, I say, thatJoseph S. Hush! I beg your pardon, but Sir Peter has heard all we have been saying. I knew you would clear yourself, or I should not have consented. Charles S. How, Sir Peter! Where is he? Joseph S. Softly; there! [Points to the closet. Charles S. O, 'fore heaven, I'll have him out. Sir Peter, come forth! [Trying to get to the closet. Joseph S. No, no[Preventing him. Charles S. I say, Sir Peter, come into court-veil. [Pulls in Sir PETER.] What! my old guardianWhat turn inquisitor, and take evidence incog? 0, fie! O, fie! Sir P. Give me your hand, Charles-I believe I have suspected you wrongfully; but you musn't be angry with Joseph-'twas my plan! Char es S. Indeed! Sir P. But I acquit you. I promise you I don't think near so ill of you as I did: what I have heard has given me great satisfaction. Sir P. No, no-he's coming-you shant, indeed! Charles S. O, egad, we'll have a peep at the little milliner! [Endeavouring to get towards screen, Sir PETER preventing. Sir P. Not for the world, Joseph will never forgive me- Charles S. I'll stand by you Sir P. Odds, here he is! [JOSEPH S. enters just as CHARLES S. throws down the screen. Charles S. Lady Teazle! by all that's wonderful! Sir P. Lady Teazle! by all that's damnable ! Charles S. Sir Peter, this is one of the smartest French milliners I ever saw. Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at hide and seek, and I don't see who is out of the secret.Shall I beg your ladyship to inform me? Not a word!-Brother, will you be pleased to explain this matter? What is Morality dumb too?-Sir Peter, though I found you in the dark, perhaps All mute!-Well-though you are not so now! I can make nothing of the affair, I suppose you perfectly understand one another-so I'll leave you to yourselves. Brother, I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so much uneasiness. Sir Peter! there's nothing in the world so noble as a man of sentiment. [Exit CHARLES. Joseph S. Sir Peter-notwithstanding-I confess -that appearances are against me-if you will afford me your patience-I make no doubt-but I shall explain every thing to your satisfaction. Sir P. If you please, sir. Sir P. That you are a villain! and so I leave you to your conscience. Joseph S. You are too rash, Sir Peter; you shall hear me.-The man who shuts out conviction by refusing to Sir P. O, damn your sentiments! [Exeunt Sir PETER and SURFACE. ACT V. SCENE I.-The Library. Enter JOSEPH SURFACE and Servant. think I would see him? You must know he comes Joseph S. Mr. Stanley!-and why should you to ask something. Serv. Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with him. Joseph S. Pshaw! blockhead? to suppose that I should now be in a temper to receive visits from relations!-Well, why don't you show the fellow up! Joseph S. The fact is, sir, that Lady Teazle, Knowing my pretensions to your ward Maria-I say, sir, Lady Teazle, being apprehensive of the jealousy of your temper-and knowing my friend-poor ship to the family-she, sir, I say,-called here-in order that-I might explain these pretensions but on your coming-being apprehensive-as 1 said-of your jealousy-she withdrew-and this, you may depend on it, is the whole truth of the matter. Sir P. A very clear account, upon my word; and I dare swear the lady will vouch for every ar ticle of it. Lady T. For not one word of it, Sir Peter! Sir P. How! don't you think it worth while to agree in the lie? Lady T. There is not one syllable of truth in what that gentleman has told you. Sir P. I believe you, upon my soul, ma'am? Joseph S. [Aside.]-'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me? Lady T. Good, Mr. Hypocrite, by your leave, I'll speak for myself. Sir P. Ay, let her alone, sir; you'll find she'll make out a better story than you, without prompting. Lady T. Hear me, Sir Peter!-I came hither on no matter relating to your ward, and even ignorant of this gentleman's pretensions to her. But I came seduced by his insidious arguments, at least to listen to his pretended passion, if not to sacrifice your honour to his baseness. Sir P. Now, I believe, the truth is coming, in deed! Joseph S. The woman's mad! that Sir Peter discovered my lady- Joseph S. Go, fool! [Exit Servant.)-Sure Forbefore. My character with Sir Peter, my hopes tune never played a man of my policy such a trick rare humour to listen to other people's distresses! with Maria, destroyed in a moment! I'm in a I sha'n't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley.-So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. I must try to recover myself, and put a little charity into my face, however. [Exit. Enter Sir OLIVER SURFACE and RowLEY. Sir O. What does he avoid us!-That was he, was it not? Row. It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too ab uptly. His nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor relation may be too much for him. I should have gone first to break it to him. whom Sir Peter extols as a man of the most beneSir O. O, plague of his nerves! Yet this is he volent way of thinking! Row. As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to decide; for, to do him justice, he appears to have as much speculative benevolence as any private gentleman in the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the ex ercise of it. Sir O. Yet he has a string of charitable sentiments, I suppose, at his fingers' ends. Row. Or rather, at his tongue's end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has such faith in as that "Charity begins at home." Sir O. And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all. Lady T. No, sir,-she has recovered her senses, and your own arts have furnished her with the means. Sir Peter, I do not expect you to credit me-but the tenderness you expressed for me, when I am sure you could not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated to my heart, that had 1 left the place without the shame of this discovery, I musn't seem to interrupt you; and you know imRow. I doubt you'll find it so ;-but he's coming. my future life should have spoken the sincerity of my gratitude. As for that smooth-tongued hypo-mediately as you leave him, I come in to announce crite, who would have seduced the wife of his too your arrival in your real character. credulous friend, while he affected honourable addresses to his ward-I behold him now in a light so truly despicable, that I shall never again respect myself for having listened to him. [Exit Lady TEAzle. Josepn S. Notwithstanding all this, Sir Peter, Heaven knows Sir O. True; and afterwards you'll meet me at Row. Without losing a moment. tures. Enter JOSEPH SURFACE. Joseph S. Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons for keeping you a moment waiting-Mr. Stanley, I presume. Sir O. At your service. Joseph S. Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down-I entreat you, sir! Sir O. Dear sir- there's no occasion-too civil by half! [Aside. Joseph S. I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother, Mr. Stanley, I think? Sir O. I was, sir;-so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trou ble you. Joseph S. Dear sir, there needs no apology :-he that is in distress, though a stranger, has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy. I am sure I wish I was one of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief. Sir O. If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were here, I should have a friend. Joseph S. I wish he was, sir, with all my heart: you should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir. Sir O. I should not need one-my distresses would recommend me. But I imagined his bounty Sir O. What! has he never transmitted to you bullion rupees-pagodas? Joseph S. O, dear sir, nothing of the kind :-No, no-a few presents now and then--china, shawls, congou tea, avadavats, and Indian crackers-little more, believe me. Sir O. Here's gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!- Avadavats and Indian crackers! Sir O. Sir, your most obsequious. Joseph S. In the mean time, I wish you health and spirits. Sir O. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant. Joseph S. Sir. yours as sincerely. [Aside: Exit. Row. Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will in form you. Joseph S. Always happy to see Mr. Rowley,-a face! My uncle is arrived! rascal! [Aside.-Reads the letter.]-Sir Oliver Sur Row. He is, indeed: we have just parted with him-quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew. Joseph S. I am astonished!-William! Stanley, if he's not gone. stop Mr. Row. Oh! he's out of reach, I believe. Joseph S. Why did you not let me know this when you came in together? Row. I thought you had particular business;--point him here to meet your uncle. He will be but I must begone to inform your brother, and apwith you in a quarter of an hour. Joseph S. So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed at his coming.--Never, to be sure, was any thing so damned unlucky. [Aside Row. You will be delighted to see how well he looks. at this time! -Just Joseph S. Oh! I am overjoyed to hear it[Aside. Row. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect Joseph S. Then, my dear sir, you have heard, 1 doubt not, of the extravagance of my brother: there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man. Sir O. Not I, for one? [Aside. Joseph S. The sums I have lent him!-Indeed, I have been exceedingly to blame; it was an amiable weakness: however, I don't pretend to defend it, and now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates. Sir O. Dissembler? [Aside.]-Then, sir, you can't assist me? Joseph S. At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me. Sir O. I am extremely sorryJoseph S. Not more than I, believe me ;-to pity, without the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied. vant. him. [Aside. [Exit Joseph S. Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him-Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruelest piece of ill-for[Exit. tune! SCENE II.-Sir PETER TEAzle's. Maid. Indeed, ma'am, my lady will see nobody at present. Mrs. C. Did you tell her it was her friend, Mrs. Candour. Maid. Yes ma'am; but she begs you will excuse her. Mrs. C. Do go again,-I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I am sure she must Sir O. Kind sir, your most obedient humble ser-be in great distress. [Exit Maid.] Dear heart, how provoking! I'm not mistress of half the cirWe shall have the whole affair in cumstances' the newspapers, with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses Joseph S. You leave me deeply affected, Mr. |