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ACT I.

SCENE 1.-Breakfast-table, with coffee-equipage, two chairs, Mr. and Mrs. DANGLE discovered at breakfast, reading newspapers.

abounds with the most striking and received beauties
of modern composition."-So! I am very glad my
friend Puff's tragedy is in such forwardness.-Mrs.
Dangle, my dear, you will be very glad to hear that
Puff's tragedy-

Mrs. D. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you plague me about such nonsense?-Now the plays are be gun I shall have no peace.-Isn't it sufficient to make yourself ridiculous by your passion for the theatre, without continually teazing me to join you? Why can't you ride your hobbyhorse without desiring to place me on a pillion behind you Mr. Dangle?

Dan. Nay, my dear, I was only going to read-Mrs. D. No, no, you will never read anything that's worth listening to:-havn't you made yourself the jest of all your acquaintance by your interference in matters where you have no business? Are you not call'd a theatrical quidnunc, and a mock Maecenas to second-hand authors?

Dan. True; my power with the managers is pretty notorious; but is it no credit to have applications from all quarters for my interest?-From lords to recommend fiddlers, from ladies to get boxes, from authors to get answers, and from actors to get engagements.

Mrs. D. Yes, truly; you have contrived to get a share in all the plague and trouble of theatrical property, without the profit, or even the credit of the abuse that attends it.

Dan. I am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no loser -mightn't you, last winter, have had the reading by it, however: you have all the advantages of it: of the new pantomime a fortnight previous to its Dan. [Reading.] Pshaw!--Nothing but poli-performance? And doesn't Mr. Notter let you take tics-and I hate all politics but theatrical politics. -Where's the Morning Chronicle? Lirs. D. Yes, that's your Gazette. Dan. So, here we have it.

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Theatrical intelligence extraordinary."-" We hear there is a new tragedy in rehearsal at Drurylane Theatre, called the Spanish Armada,' said to a gentleman well known in be written by Mr. Puff, the theatrical world: if we may allow ourselves to give credit to the report of the performers, who, truth to szy, are in general but indifferent judges, this piece

down for a box for every new piece through the places for a play before it is advertis'd, and set you season? And didn't my friend, Mr. Smatter, dedicate bis last farce to you at my particular request, Mrs. Dangle?

Mrs. D. [Rising.] Yes, but wasn't the farce damn'd, Mr. Dangle? And to be sure it is extremely pleasant to have one's house made the motley rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature.

Dan Mrs. Dangle, Mrs. Dangle, you will not

easily persuade me that there is no credit or importance in being at the head of a band of critics, who take upon them to decide for the whole town, whose opinion and patronage all writers solicit, and whose recommendation no manager dares refuse?

Mrs. D. Ridiculous!-Both managers and authors of the least merit laugh at your pretensions.-The Public is their Critic-without whose fair approbation they know no play can rest on the stage, and with whose applause they welcome such attacks as yours, and laugh at the malice of them, where they

can't at the wit.

Dan. Very well, madam-very well.
Enter Servant.

Serv. Mr. Sneer, sir, to wait on you.
Dan. O, show Mr. Sneer up. [Exit Servant.]
Plague on't, now we must appear loving and af-
fectionate, or Sneer will hitch us into a story.

Mrs. D. With all my heart; you can't be more ridiculous than you are.

Dan. You are enough to provoke

Enter Mr. SNEER.

-Ha! my dear Sneer, I am vastly glad to see you. My dear, here's Mr. Sneer; Mr. Sneer, my dear; my dear, Mr. Sneer.

Mrs. D. Good morning to you, sir.

Dan. Mrs. Dangle and I have been diverting ourselves with the papers.-Pray, Sneer, won't you go to Drury-lane Theatre the first night of Puff's tragedy?

Sneer. Yes; but I suppose one shan't be able to get in, for on the first night of a new piece they always fill the house with orders to support it. But. here, Dangle, I have brought you two pieces, one of which you must exert yourself to make the managers accept; I can tell you that, for 'tis written by a person of consequence.

[Gives DANGLE two manuscripts. Dan. [Reading]" Bursts into tears, and exit." What, is this a tragedy?

Sneer. No; that's genteel comedy, not a translation-only taken from the French; it is written in a style which they have lately tried to run down; the true sentimental, and nothing ridiculous in it from the beginning to the end.

Mrs. D. Well, if they had kept to that, I should not have been such an enemy to the stage; there was some edification to be got from those pieces, Mr. Sneer.

Sneer. I am quite of your opinion, Mrs. Dangle. Dan. [Looking at the other MS.] But what have we here?-This seems a very odd

Sneer. O, that's a comedy, cn a very new plan; replete with wit and mirth, yet of a most serious moral! You see it is call'd "The Reformed Housebreaker;" where, by the mere force of humour, housebreaking is put into so ridiculous a light, that if the piece has its proper run, I have no doubt but that bolts and bars will be entirely useless by the end of the season.

Dan. Egad, this is new, indeed! Sneer. Yes; it is written by a particular friend of mine, who has discovered that the follies and foibles of society are subjects unworthy of the notice of the Comic Muse, who should be taught to stoop only at the greater vices and blacker crimes of humanity-gibbeting capital offences in five acts, and pillorying petty larcenies in two.-In short,

his idea is to dramatize the penal laws, and make the stage a court of ease to the Old Bailey. Dan. That is to unite poetry and justice indeed!

Enter Servant.

Serv. Sir Fretful Plagiary, sir.

Dan. Beg him to walk up.-[Exit Servant.] Now, Mrs. Dangle, Sir Fretful Plagiary is an author to your own taste.

Mrs. D. I confess he is a favourite of mine, because everybody else abuses him.

Sneer. Very much to the credit of your charity, madam, if not of your judgment.

Dan. But, egad, he allows no merit to any author but himself; that's the truth on't, though he's my friend.

Sneer. Never. He's as envious as an old maid verging on the desperation of six-and-thirty.

Dan. Very true, egad-though he's my friend. Sneer. Then his affected contempt of all newspaper strictures; though, at the same time, he is the sorest man alive, and shrinks like scorch'd parchment from the fiery ordeal of true criticism. Dan. There's no denying it-though he is my friend.

Sneer. You have read the tragedy he has just finished, haven't you?

Dan. O, yes; he sent it to me yesterday. Sneer. Well, and you think it execrable, don't you?

Dan. Why, between ourselves, egad I must own -though he's my friend-that it is one of the most He's here [Aside]-finished and admirable per

form

[Sir FRETFUL without.] Mr. Sneer with him, did you say?

Enter Sir FRETFUL.

Dan. Ah, my dear friend !-Egad, we were just speaking of your tragedy.-Admirable, Sir Fretful, admirable!

Sneer. You never did anything beyond it, Sir Fretful-never in your life.

Sir F. You make me extremely happy; for, without a compliment, my dear Sneer, there isn't a man in the world whose judgment I value as I do yours-and Mr. Dangle's.

Mrs. D. They are only laughing at you, Sir Fretful, for it was but just now that-

Dan. Mrs. Dangle! Ah, Sir Fretful, you know Mrs. Dangle. My friend Sneer was rallying just now-He knows how she admires you, and

Sir F. O Lord, I am sure Mr. Sneer has more taste and sincerity than to- -[Aside.] A damn'd double-faced fellow !

Dan. Yes, yes,-Sneer will jest—but a better humour'd

Sir F. O, I know

Dan. He has a ready turn for ridicule-his wit costs him nothing.—

Sir F. No, egad,-or I should wonder how he came by it. [Aside. Dan. But, Sir Fretful, have you sent your play to the managers yet?-or can I be of any service to you?

Šir F. No, no, I thank you; I sent it to the manager of Covent-garden Theatre this morning.

Sneer. I should have thought now, that it might have been cast (as the actors call it) better at Drury-lane.

Sir F. O lud! no-never send a play there while Dan. Really, I can't agree with my friend Sneer. I live-harkee! [Whispers SNEER.I think the plot quite sufficient; and the four first acts by many degrees the best I ever read or saw in my life. If I might venture to suggest any thing, it is that the interest rather falls off in the fifth.

Sneer. "Writes himself!" I know he doesSir F. I say nothing-I take away from no man's merit-am hurt at no man's good fortune-I say nothing-But this I will say-through all my knowledge of life, I have observed-that there is not a passion so strongly rooted in the human heart as envy !

Sneer. I believe you have reason for what you say, indeed.

Sir F. Besides-I can tell you it is not always so safe to leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves.

Sneer. What, they may steal from them, hey, my dear Plagiary?

Sir F. Rises, I believe you mean, sir-
Dan. No; I don't, upon my word.

Sir F. Yes, yes, you do, upon my soul-it certainly don't fall off, I assure you-No, no, it don't

fall off.

Dan. Now, Mrs. Dangle, didn't you say it struck you in the same light?

Mrs. D. No, indeed, I did not-I did not see a fault in any part of the play from the beginning to the end.

Sir F. Upon my soul, the women are the best

Sir F. Steal!-to be sure they may; and, egad, serve your best thoughts as gypsies do stolen chil-judges after all! dren, disfigure them to make 'em pass for their own. Sneer. But your present work is a sacrifice to Melpomene, and he you know never

Sir F. That's no security.-A dextrous plagiarist may do anything.-Why, sir, for aught I know, he might take out some of the best things in my tragedy, and put them into his own comedy.

Sncer. That might be done, I dare be sworn. Sir F. And then, if such a person gives you the least hint or assistance, he is devilish apt to take the merit of the whole

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Dan. O you know he never means what he says. Sir F. Sincerely, then-you do like the piece? Sneer. Wonderfully!

Sir F. But come now, there must be something that you think might be mended, hey?—Mr. Dangle, has nothing struck you?

Dan. Why, faith, it is but an ungracious thing, for the most part, to

Sir F. With most authors it is just so indeed; they are in general strangely tenacious!-But, for my part, I am never so well pleased as when a judicious critic points out any defect to me; for what is the purpose of showing a work to a friend, if you don't mean to profit by his opinion?

Sneer. Very true. Why then, though I seriously admire the piece upon the whole, yet there is one small objection; which, if you'll ‍give me leave, I'll mention.

Sir F. Sir, you can't oblige me more.
Saeer. I think it wants incident.

Sir F. Good God!-you surprise me!-wants incident!

Sneer. Yes; I own I think the incidents are too few.

Sir F. Good God!-Believe me, Mr. Sneer, there is no person for whose judgment I have a more implicit deference.-But I protest to you, Mr. Sneer, I am only apprehensive that the incidents are too crowded. My dear Dangle, how does it strike you?

Mrs. D. Or, if I made any objection, I am sure it was to nothing in the piece! but that I was afraid it was, on the whole, a little too long.

Sir F. Pray, madam, do you speak as to duration of time; or do you mean that the story is tediously spun out?

Mrs. D. O lud! no.-I speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays.

Sir F. Then I am very happy-very happy indeed-because the play is a short play, a remarkably short play: I should not venture to differ with a lady on a point of taste; but, on these occasions, the watch, you know, is the critic.

Mrs. D. Then, I suppose, it must have been Mr. Dangle's drawling manner of reading it to me.

Sir F. O, if Mr. Dangle read it! that's quite another affair!--But I assure you, Mrs. Dangle, the first evening you can spare me three hours and a half, I'll undertake to read you the whole from beginning to end, with the Prologue and Epilogue, and allow time for the music between the acts.

Mrs. D. I hope to see it on the stage next. [Exit. Dan. Well, Sir Fretful, I wish you may be able to get rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours.

Sir F. The newspapers!-Sir, they are the most villanous-licentious-abominable-infernal Not that I ever read them! No! I make it a rule never to look into a newspaper.

Dan. You are quite right-for it certainly must hurt an author of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take.

Sir F. No!-quite the contrary:-their abuse is, in fact, the best panegyric-I like it of all things. An author's reputation is only in danger from their support.

Sneer. Why, that's true-and that attack now on you the other day

Sir F. What? where?

Dan. Aye, you mean in a paper of Thursday; it was completely ill-natur'd, to be sure.

Sir F. O, so much the better-Ha! ha! ha!-I wouldn't have it otherwise.

Dan. Certainly, it is only to be laugh'd at; forSir F. You don't happen to recollect what the fellow said, do you?

Sneer. Pray, Dangle-Sir Fretful seems a little anxious!

Sir F. O lud, no!-anxious,-not I,-not the least. I--But one may as well hear, you know. Dan. Sneer, do you recollect?-Make out something. [Aside. Sneer. I will. [To DANGLE.] Yes, yes, I remember perfectly.

Sir F. Well, and prav now-not that it signifies -what might the gentleman say?

Sneer. Why, he roundly asserts that you have not the slightest invention or original genius whatever: though you are the greatest traducer of all other authors living.

Sir F. Ha! ha! ha! Very good!

Sneer. That, as to comedy, you have not one idea of your own, he believes, even in your common-place-book, where stray jokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as much method as the ledger of the Lost and Stolen Office.

Dan. Nay, I only thought

Sir F. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damn'd affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt, when I tell you I am not.

Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful?

Sir F. Gadslife! Mr. Sncer, you are as absurd as Dangle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damn'd nonsense you have been repeating to me!—And let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen-and then your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticismsand I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic contempt-and so your servant. [Exit.

Sir F. Ha! ha! ha! Very pleasant! Sneer. Nay, that you are so unlucky as not to have the skill even to steal with taste: but that you glean from the refuse of obscure volumes, where more judicious plagiarists have been before Sneer. Ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir Fretful! Now you; so that the body of your work is a composi-will he go and vent his philosophy in anonymous tion of dregs and sediments, like a bad tavern's abuse of all modern critics and authors. But, worst wine. Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy.

Sir F. Ha! ha!

Sneer. In your more serious efforts, he says, your bombast would be less intolerable, if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression; but the homeliness of the sentiment stares through the fantastic encumbrance of it's fine language, like a clown in one of the new uniforins!

Sir F. Ha! ha!

Sneer. That your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your style, as tambour sprigs would a ground of linsey-wolsey; while your imitations of Shakspeare resemble the mimicry of Falstaff's page, and about as near the standard of the original.

Sir F. Ha!

Sneer. In short, that even the finest passages you steal are of no service to you; for the poverty of your own language prevents their assimilating; so that they lie on the surface like lumps of marl on a barren moor, encumbering what it is not in their power to fertilize!

Sir F. [After great agitation.] Now, another person would be vex'd at this.

Sncer. Oh! but I wouldn't have told you, only to divert you.

Sir F. I know it-I am diverted,-Ha! ha! ha! --not the least invention!-Ha! ha! ha! very good very good!

Sneer. Yes-no genius! Ha! ha! ha!

Dan. A severe rogue! ha! ha! But you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such

sense.

Dan. I'll answer for't, he'll thank you for desiring it. Re-enter Servant.

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Dan. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer; my friend Puff only talks to you in the style of his profession. Sneer. His profession!

Puff. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow-among friends and brother authors, Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself vivá voce.-I am, sir, a Practitioner in Panegyric, or, to speak more plainly-a Professor of the Art of Puffing, at your service-or anybody else's.

Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging!-I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talents in the daily prints.

Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much non-business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town-Devilish hard work all the summer-Friend Dangle never work'd harder!-But harkee,-the winter managers were a little sore, I believe.

Sir F. To be sure-for, if there is anything to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and if it is abuse,-why, one is always sure to hear of it from one damn'd good-natur'd friend or another!

Enter Servant.

Serv. Mr. Puff, sir, bas sent word that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you presently.

Dan. That's true-I shall certainly be at home. [Exit Servant.] Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer -Egad, Mr. Puff's your man.

Sir F. Pshaw! sir, why should I wish to have it answered, when I tell you I am pleased at it? Dan. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer

Sir F. Zounds! no. Mr. Dangle, dou't I tell you these things never fret me in the least.

Dan. No! I believe they took it all in good

part.

Puff. Aye!-Then that must have been affectation in them; for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at!

Sneer. Aye, the humorous ones. But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves.

Puff. Why, yes-but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I dare say now you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be written by the parties concerned, or their friends? No such thing. Nine out of ten, manufactured by me in the way of business. Sneer. Indeed!

Puff. Even the auctioneers now-the auctioneers, I say, though the rogues have lately got some

SCENE I.]

ACTING DRAMA.

Puff. Why, yes, though I made some occacredit for their language-not an article of the merit theirs!Take them out of their pulpits, and sional attempts at felo de se; but as I did not find they are as dull as catalogues!-No, air; 'twas those rash actions answer, I left off killing myself I first enriched their style-'twas I first taught very soon.-Well, sir,-at last, what with bankthem to crowd their advertisements with panegy-ruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, rical superlatives, each epithet rising above the and other valuable calamities, having got together other-like the bidders in their own auction-rooms! a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a buFrom ME they learn'd to enlay their phraseology with variegated chips of exotic metaphor; by ME, too, their inventive faculties were called forth. Yes, sir, by ME they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruit-to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves-to teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil! or, on emergencies, to raise upstart oake, where there had never been an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage, without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire!

Dan. I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit.

Sneer. Service! if they had any gratitude, they would erect a statue to him. But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way?

Puff. Egad, sir-sheer necessity-the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention; you must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, my success was such, that, for some time after, I led a most extraordinary life indeed!

Sneer. How, pray?

siness which had always gone rather against my
conscience, and in a more liberal way still to in-
dulge my talents for fiction and embellishments,
through my favourite channels of diurnal commu-
Sneer. Most obligingly communicative, indeed.
nication-and so, sir, you have my history.
But surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in
your present profession?

Puff. Mystery! Sir, I will take upon me to say
the matter was never scientifically treated, nor re-
duced to rule, before.

Sneer. Reduced to rule?

Puff. O lud, sir! you are very ignorant, I am the principal are-the Puff direct-the Puff preliafraid.-Yes, sir,-Puffing is of various sorts:— minary-the Puff collateral-the Puff collusiveand the Puff oblique, or Puff by implication. These forms of-Letter to the Editor-Occasional Anecall assume, as circumstances require, the various dote-Impartial Critique-Observation from CorSneer. The Puff direct, I can conceive--respondent-or Advertisements from the Party.

Puff. O yes, that's simple enough,—for instance -A new Comedy or Farce is to be produced at one of the Theatres (though, by the by, they don't bring out half what they ought to do) the author, suppose

Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely Mr. Smatter, or Mr. Dapper, or any particular by my misfortunes.

Sneer. By your misfortunes?

Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other occasional disorders; and a very comfortable living I had of it.

Sneer. From sickness and misfortune!
Puff. Harkee!--By advertisements" To the
charitable and humane!" and "To those whom
Providence hath blessed with affluence!"

Sneer. Oh, I understand you.

Puff. And, in truth, I deserved what I got; for I suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time!-Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! Then, sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burnt out, and lost my little ail, both times! I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs! That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself.

Dan. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on me—

Puff. What, in November last?-O no! When I called on you I was a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend! I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consumption! I was then reduced to-O no-then, I became a widow with six helpless children,after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into an hospital!

Seer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt!

friend of mine--very well; the day before it is
to be performed, I write an account of the manner
in which it was received-I have the plot from
drawn-highly coloured-hand of a master
the author,-and only add-Characters strongly
fund of genuine humour-mine of invention-neat
dialogue-attic salt!-Then for the performance-
of Sir Harry! That universal and judicious actor,
Mr. Baker was astonishingly great in the character
Mr. Egerton, perhaps never appeared to more ad-
vantage than in the Colonel: but it is not in the
power of language to do justice to Mr. Jones!-
Indeed, he more than merited those repeated bursts
of applause which he drew from a most brilliant
and judicious audience! In short, we are at a
loss which to admire most,—the unrivalled genius
of the author, the great attention and liberality of
the managers, the wonderful abilities of the painter,
Sreer. That's pretty well, indeed, sir.
or the incredible exertions of all the performers!

do.

Puff. O cool, quite cool, to what I sometimes

Sneer. And do you think there are any who are Puff. O, lud! yes, sir; the number of those who influenced by this? undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed!

Dan. Ha! ba! ha!-'gad, I know it is so.

Puff. As to the Puff oblique, or Puff by impli cation, it is too extensive, and branches into so many varieties, that it is impossible to be illustrated by an instance ;-it is the last principal class of the Art cf Fuffing-an art which I hope you will now agree with me, is of the highest dignity.

Sneer. Sir, I am completely a convert both to the importance and ingenuity of your profession; possibly increase my respect for you, and that is, and now, sir, there is but one thing which can

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