Puff. Put your finger to your head when you say t-and don't gallop off-steal cautiously off. Beef. But soft-I am observed.' [Exit Beefeater stealthily. Dan. That's a very short soliloquy. Puff. Yes-but it would have been a great deal onger if he had not been observed. Sneer. A most sentimental Beefeater that, Mr. Puff. Puff. Hark ye-I would not have you to be too sure that he is a Beefeater. Sneer. What, a hero in disguise? Puff. No matter-I only give you a hint.-But now for my principal character-here he comesLord Burleigh in person! Pray, gentlemen, step this way-softly-I only hope the Lord High Treasurer is perfect-if he is but perfect! Enter BURLEIGH, goes slowly to the chair and sits. Sneer. Mr. Puff! 'Now vengeance do thy worst.' Enter WHISKERANDOS. Whis. O hateful liberty-if thus in vain 'I seek my Tilburina! Both Nie. And ever shalt ! [Aside. [Sir CHRISTOPHER and Sir WALTER come forward. Sir C. and Sir W. Hold! we will avenge you. Whis. Hold you-or see your nieces bleed.' [The two Nieces draw their two daggers to strike WHISKERANDOS; the two Uncles, at the instant, with their two swords drawn, catch their two Nieces' arms, and turn the points of their swords to WHISKERANDOS, who immediately draws two duggers, and holds them to the two Nieces' bosoms.] Puff. There's situation for you! there's an heroic group! You see, the ladies can't stab Whis kerandos-he durst not strike them for fear of their uncles the uncles durst not kill him because of Puff. Hush! vastly well, sir! vastly well! a their nieces. I have them all at a dead lock! for most interesting gravity! Dan. What, isn't he to speak at all? Fuff. Egad, I thought you'd ask me that.-Yes, it is a very likely thing, that a minister in his s'tuation, with the whole affairs of the nation on his head, should have time to talk! But hush! or you'll put him out. Sneer. Put him out! how the plague can that be, if he's not going to say anything? Puff. There's a reason! Why, his part is to think and how the plague do you imagine he can think, if you keep talking? Dan. That's very true, upon my word! every one of them is afraid to let go first. Sneer. Why, then, they must stand there for ever. Puff. So they would, if I had'nt a very fine contrivance for't. Now, mind-Beef! Enter Beefeater, with his Halberd. • Beef. In the Queen's name, I charge you all to drop Your swords and daggers!' [They drop their swords and daggers.. Sneer. That is a contrivance, indeed. Puff. Aye-in the Queen's name. Sir C. Come, niece! Sir W. Come, niece! [BURLEIGH comes forward, shakes his head. Puff. Shake your head more-more-damn it, man, shake your head as if there was something in it. [BURLEIGH shakes his head extravagantly, and exit.] [Exeunt with the two Nieces, Whis. What's he, who bids us thus renounce Sneer. No; I don't, upon my soul. Puff. Why, by that shake of the head he gave you to understand, that even though they had more justice in their cause, and wisdom in their measures, yet, if there was not a greater spirit shown en the part of the people, the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the Spanish monarchy. Sueer. The devil!-Did he mean all that by shaking his head? Puff. Every word of it-if he shook his head as I taught him. Sneer. O here are some of our old acquaintance. Enter HATTON and RALEIGH. Sir C. My niece, and your niece too? By Heav'n! there's witchcraft in't. He could not else 'Have gain'd their hearts. But see where they approach; Some horrid purpose low'ring on their brows! Sir W. Let us withdraw and mark them.' our guard? Beef. Thou must do more! renounce thy love! Whis. Thou liest, base Beefeater! Beef. Ha! Hell! the lie! By Ileav'n, thou'st rous'd the lion in my heart! Off, yeoman's habit! base disguise! off! off! [Discovers himself, by throwing off his upper dress, and appearing in a very fine shape dress.] Am I a Beefeater now? [They retire. mind me. no Puff. Dear sir, you need'nt speak that speech, as the body has walked off. Beef. That's true, sir; then I'll join the fleet. Puff. If you please. [Exit Beefeater.] Now enter Tilburina! Sneer. Egad, the business comes on quick here. Puff. Yes, sir, now she comes in stark mad, in white satin. Sneer. Why in white satin? Puff. O Lord, sir, when a heroine goes mad, she always goes into white satin-don't she, Dangle? Dan. Always--it's a rule. Puff. Yes, here it is, [Looking at the book.] Enter Tilburina, stark mad, in white satin, and her Confidant, stark mad, in white linen.' Enter TILBURINA and Confidant, mad, according to custom. Sneer. But what the deuce! is the Confidant to be mad too? Sneer. What, you bring that in at last? Puff. Yes, yes; you know my play is called the Spanish Armada, otherwise, egad, I have no occason for the battle at all. Now then for my magnificence! my battle! my noise! and my procession! You are all ready? Promp. [Within.] Yes, sir. Puff. Very well. Now, then, change the scene, and then for our grand display. [The scene changes to a view af the Spanish Armada in close action with the British fleet. Music plays "Britons strike home." Spanish fleet destroyed by fireships, &c. English fieet advances,-Music plays "Ruie Britannia." During this scene, PUFF directs and applauds everything · then] Puff. To be sure she is: the Confidant is always to do whatever her mistress does; weep when she weeps, smile when she smiles, go mad when she goes mad. Now, madam Confidant--but keep your Well, pretty well-but not quite perfect; so, ladies madness in the back-ground, if you please. and gentlemen, if you please, we'll rehearse this Til. The wind whistles--the moon rises-piece again on the first opportunity. [screams]--see [Curtain drops. THE RIVALS: A COMEDY. BY RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN Author of "The School for Scandal," &c. PERSONS REPRESENTED. Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. Captain ABSOLUTE. FAG. DAVID. Coachman. Mrs. MALAPROP. LYDIA LANGUISH. JULIA Lucy. ACT I. SCENE I.--A Street in Bath. Coachman and FAG meeting. Fig. What! Thomas!-Sure, 'tis he !-What, Thomas, Thomas! Coach. Hey? odds life!-Mr. Fag, give us your hand, my old fellow-servant! Fog. Excuse my glove, Thomas; I'm devilish glad to see you, my lad! why, my prince of charioteers, you look as hearty! but who the deuce thought of seeing you in Bath? Corch Sure, master, madam, Julia, Harry, Mrs. Kate, and the postilion, be all come. Fag. Indeed! Coach. Ay: master thought another fit of the Fut was coming to make him a visit, so he'd a ind to gi't the slip-an whip! we were all off at an hour's warning. Fag. I have not chang'd, Thomas. Coach. No! why, didn't you say you had left young master? Fag. No.-Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle you no further;-briefly then-Captain Absolute and Ensign Beverley are one and the same person. Coach. The devil they are: do tell us, Mr. Fag, the meaning on't. Fag. Why, then, the cause of all this is lovelove, Thomas, who has been a masquerader ever since the days of Jupiter. Coach. But, pray, why does your master pass. only for ensign?-now, if he had shammed general, indeed Fag. Ah, Thomas, there lays the mystery o' the matter!-Hark ye, Thomas, my master is in love with a lady of a very singular taste-a lady who likes him better as a half-pay ensign, than if she knew he was son and heir to Sir Anthony Absolute, a baronet, of three thousand a year. Coach. That is an odd taste, indeed!-But has she got the stuff, Mr. Fag? is she rich, eh? Fag. Rich! why, I believe she owns half the stocks:-Z-s, Thomas, she could pay the national debt as easily as I could my washerwoman! She has a lap dog that eats out of gold-she feeds her parrot with small pearls, and all her threadpapers are made of bank-notes! Coach. Bravo, faith-Odd! I warrant she has a set of thousands at least; but does she draw kindly with the captain? Fag. As fond as pigeons. Coach. May one hear her name? Fag. Miss Lydia Languish :-but there is an old tough aunt in the way, though, by the by, she has never seen my master-for he got acquainted with miss while on a visit to Gloucestershire. Coach. Well, I wish they were once harnessed together in matrimony. But pray, Mr. Fag, what kind of a place is this Bath? I ha' heard a great deal of it;-here's a mort o' merry-making, eh? Fag. Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well-'tis a good lounge-but damn the place, I'm tired of it: their regular hours stupify me-not a fiddle or a card after eleven! however, Mr. Faulkland's gentleman and I keep it up a little in private parties, I'll introduce you there, Thomas, you'll like him much. But, Thomas, you must polish a little-indeed you must:-Here, now, this wig; what the dence. devil do you do with a wig, Thomas? none of the London whips, of any degree of ton, wear wigs now. Coach. More's the pity, more's the pity. I say, Mr. Fag-Odds life! when I heard how the lawyers and doctors had took to their own hair, I thought how 'twould go next. Odd rabbit it! when the fashion had got foot on the bar, I guessed 'twould mount to the box! but 'tis all out of character, believe me, Mr. Fag: and look ye, I'll never give up mine, the lawyers and doctors may day will. , Thomas, we'll not quarrel about that. But hold, mark-mark, Thomas. Coach. Zooks, 'tis the captain! Is that the lady with him? Fag. No, no, that is madam Lucy, my master's mistress's maid: they lodge at that house-but I must after him, to tell him the news. Coach. Odd, he's giving her money! Mr. Fag Well, Fag. Good bye, Thomas; I have an appointment in Gyde's porch, this evening, at eight; meet me there, and we'll make a little party.-But Thomas-Thomas-damn the wig! [Exeunt THOMAS and FAG. SCENE II.—A Dressing-room in Mrs. Malaprop's Lodgings. LYDIA LANGUISH sitting on a sofa, with a book in her hand; Lucy, as just returned from a message. Lucy. Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the town in search of it: I don't believe there's a circulating library in Bath I ha'n't been at. Lyd. And could not you get "The Reward of Constancy?" Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am. The Fatal Connexion? Lucy. No, indeed, ma'am. Lyd. Nor" The Mistakes of the Heart?" Lucy. Ma'am, as ill luck would have it, Bull said, Miss Sukey Saunter had just fetched away. [They embrace.] How unexpected was this happiness! Jul. True, Lydia, and our pleasure is the greater; but what has been the matter? you were denied to me at first. του το Lyd. Ab, Julia, I have a thousand things to tell you! but first inform me what has conjured Bath ?-Is Sir Anthony here? Jul. He is; we are arri within this hour, and 1 sunnasa la wil ve here to wait on Mrs. Malaprop as soon as he is dressed. Lyd. Then before we are interrupted, let me impart to you some of my distress; I know your gentle nature will sympathize with me, though your prudence may condemn me: my letters have informedy ou of my whole connexion with Beverley; but I have lost him, Julia;-my aunt has discovered our intercourse, by a note she intercepted, and has confined me ever since: Yet, would you believe it? she has fallen absolutely in love with a tall Irish baronet, she met one night, since we have been here, at Lady Macshuffle's rout. Jul. You jest, Lydia. Lyd. No, upon my word '-She really carries on a kind of correspondence with him, under a feigned name, though, till she chooses to be known to him; but it is a Delia, or a Celia, I assure you. Jul. Then, surely, she is now more indulgent to her niece? Lyd. Quite the contrary. Since she has discovered her own frailty, she is become ten times more suspicious of mine. Then I must inform you of another plague; that odious Acres is to be in Bath to-day, so that, I protest, I shall be teazed out of all spirits! Jul. Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best. Sir Anthony shall use his interest with Mrs. Mala prop. Lyd. But you have not heard the worst. Unfortunately I had quarrelled with my poor BeverMr.ley, just before my aunt made the discovery, and I it have not seen him since to make it up. Lyd. Heigbo! Did you inquire for " The Delicate Distress?" Jul. What was his offence? Lyd. Nothing at all; but I don't know how it was, as often as we had been together, we had neLucy. Or, "The Memoirs of Lady Woodford?' ver had a quarrel; and, somehow, I was afraid be -Yes, indeed, ma'am, I asked everywhere for it; would never give me an opportunity; so, last and I might have brought it from Mr. Frederick's, Thursday, I wrote a letter to myself, to inform mybut Lady Slattern Lounger, who had just sent itself that Beverley was, at that time, paying his home, had so soiled and dog's-eared it, it wa'n't fit for a Christian to read. Lyd. Heigho! Yes, I always know when Lady Slattern has been before me; she has a most observing thumb, and, I believe, cherishes her nails for the convenience of making marginal notes. Well, cild, what have you brought me? addresses to another woman. I signed it," Your unknown friend," showed it to Beverley, charged him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent passion, and vow'd I'd never see him more. Jul. And you let him depart so, and have not seen him since? Lyd. 'Twas the next day my aunt found the un-matter out; I intended only to have teased him three days and a half, and now I've lost him for Lucy. Oh, here, ma'am! [Taking books from der her cloak, and from her pockets.] This is The Man of Feeling," and this" Peregrine Pickle."Here are "The Tears of Sensibility," and "Humphrey Clinker." Lyd. Hold! here's some one coming-quick, see who it is-[Exit Lucy.]-Surely I heard my cousin Julia's voice! Re-enter LUCY. Lucy. Lud, ma'am ! here is Miss Neville! Lyd. Is it possible! Enter JULIA. Lud. My dearest Julia, how delighted Jam ! ever. Jul. If he is as deserving and sincere as you have represented him to me, he will never give you up so.-Yet consider, Lydia, you tell me he is but an ensign: and you have thirty thousand pounds! Lyd. But, you know, I lose most of my fortune, if I marry, without my aunt's consent, till of age; and that is what I have determined to do ever since I knew the penalty; nor could I love the man who would wish to wait a day for the alternative. Jul. Nay, this is caprice! SC.NE II] ACTING DRAMA. Jul. Adieu! [Exit. ther staircase. Lyd. What, does Julia tax me with caprice? I land. There-through my room you'll find ancthought her lover Faulkland had inured her to it. Jul. I do not love even his faults. Lyd. But you have seut to him, I suppose? Jul. Not yet, upon my word! nor has he the least idea of my being in Bath -ir Anthony's resolution was so sudden I could not inform him of it. Lyd. Well, Julia, you are your own mistress, though under the protection of Sir Anthony; yet have you, for this long year, been a slave to the caprice, the whim, the jealousy of this ungrateful Faulkland, who will ever delay assuming the right of a husband, while you suffer him to be equally imperious as a lover. Lyd. Here, my dear Lucy, hide these books. [Erit Lucy. Enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY Mrs. M. There, Sir Anthony, there stands the Lyd. Madam, I thought you once- Jul. Nay, you are wrong entirely. We were contracted before my father's death: that, and some consequent embarrassments, have delayed what I know to be my Faulkland's most ardent wish. He is too generous to trifle on such a point; and, for his character, you wrong him there too. No, Lydia, he is too proud, too noble, to be jealous; if he is captious, 'tis without dissembling; Unused to the foppeif fretful, without rudeness. Lyd. Ah! madam! our memories are indepenries of love, he is negligent of the little duties ex-memory. It is not so easy to forget. pected from a lover; but, being unhacknied in the Mrs. M. But I say it is, miss! there is nothing passion, his affection is ardent and sincere ; and as dent of our wills. it engrosses his whole soul, he expects every look and emotion of his mistress to move in unison with on earth so easy as to forget, if a person chooses to bis. Yet, though his pride calls for this full re-set about it. I'm sure I have as much forgot your turn, his humility makes him undervalue those poor dear uncle, as if he had never existed; and I qualities in him, which would entitle him to it; thought it my duty so to do; and let me tell you, and not feeling why he should be loved to the de- Lydia, these violent memories don't become gree he wishes, be still suspects that he is not young woman. This, I must own, has cost me loved enough. many unhappy hours; but I have learned to think myself his debtor for those imperfections which arise from the ardour of his attachment. Lyd. Well, I cannot blame you for defending him; but, tell me candidly, Julia, had he never saved your life, do you think you should have been attached to him as you are? Believe me, the rude blast that overset your boat was a prosperous gale of love to him. Jul. Gratitude may have strengthened my attachment to Mr. Faulkland, but I loved him before he had preserved me; yet, surely, that alone were an obligation sufficient Lyd. Obligation! why, a water-spaniel would Well, I should never think have done as much! of giving my heart to a man because he could swim! -What's here? watch. Enter Lucy, in a hurry. Lucy. O, ma'am, here is Sir Anthony Absolute, just come home with your aunt! Lud. They'll not come here:-Lucy, do you [Exit Lucy. Jul. Yet I must go; Sir Anthony does not know I am here, and if we meet, he'll detain me, to show me the town. I'll take another opportunity of paying my respects to Mrs. Malaprop, when she shall treat me, as long as she chooses, with her select words, so ingeniously misapplied, without being misprozounced. Enter Lucy. a Lyd. What crime, madam, have I committed, to be treated thus ? Mrs. M. Now don't attempt to extirpate yourself from the matter; you know I have proof controvertible of it. But, tell me, will you promise me to do as you're bid? Will you take a husband of your friends' choosing? Lyd. Madam, I must tell you plainly, that, had have made would be my aversion. I no preference for any one else, the choice you Mrs. M. What business have you, miss, with preference and aversion? They don't become a both always wear off, 'tis safest, in matrimony, to young woman; and you ought to know, that, as begin with a little aversion. I am sure I hated your poor dear uncle, before marriage, as if he'd sible what a wife I made; and, when it pleased been a black-a-moor; and yet, miss, you are senHeaven to release me from him, 'tis unknown what tears I shed! But, suppose we were going to give this Beverley? you another choice, will you promise us to give up Lyd. Could I belie my thoughts so far as to give that promise, my actions would certainly as far belie my words. fit Mrs. M. Take yourself to your room. You are [Exit. company for nothing but your own ill humours. Lyd. Willingly, ma'am; I cannot change for the worse. Mrs. M. There's a little intricate hussy for you! Sir Anth. It is not to be wondered at, ma'am ; all that is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read. In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming forth from a cirthey were half-bound volumes, with marble covers: culating library: she had a book in each handfrom that moment, I guessed how full of duty I should see her mistress! G |