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Count A. Pray, how did your valour like the box Fig. I: and thus do the great distribute justice on the ear I gave you just now ?
Susan. Our errors past, and all our follias done, Page. With his hand on his sword.] Me, my colonel ? Oh! that 'twere possible you might be won Fig. Which I kindly received.
To pardon faults, and misdemeanors smother, Count A. Thou ?
Wáh the same ease we pardon one another. Ezu.
just right to be acquainted with the particulars of
your passion, that I may be the better enabled CAPTAIN LOVEIT
serve you. FRIBBLE
Capt. L. You shall have them. When I first le FLASH
the university, which is now seven months since, by PUFF
father, who loves his money better than his son, and JASPER.
would not settle a farthing upon me
Puff Mine did so by me, sir.
Capt. L. Purchased me a pair of colours, at sy
own request; but before I joined the regiment, which was going abroad, I took a ramble into the country with a fellow collegian, to see a relativa
his who lived in Berkshire. ACT I.
Puff. A party of pleasure, I suppose.
Capt. L. During a short stay there, I became ac.
quainted with this young creature; she was just SCENE I.-A Street.
come from the boarding-school, and thougt she had
all the simplicity of her age and the country, yet it Enter Captain LoveIt and Puff.
was mixed with such sensible vivacity, that i tot Capt. L. This is the place we were directed to; fire at once. and now, Puff, if I can get no intelligence of her, Puff. I was tinder myself at your age. But, pras, what will become of me?
sir, did you take fire before you knew of her fortune Puff. And me, too, sir. You must consider I am Capt. L. Before, upon my honour. a married man, and can't bear fatigue as I have done. Puft Folly and constitution! But, on, sir. But, pray, sir, why did you leave the army so Capt. L. I was introduced to the family by the abruptly, and not give me time to fill my knapsack name of Rhodophil; (for so my companion and I with common necessaries ? Half a dozen shirts and had settled it;) at the end of three weeks, I as your regimentals are my whole cargo.
obliged to attend the call of honour in Flanders Capt. L. I was wild to get away; and, as soon as Puff. Your parting, to be sure, was heart-breaking. I obtained my leave of absence, I thought every Capt. L. I feel it at this instant. We found moment an age till I returned to the place where 1 eternal constancy, and I promised to take the first first saw this young, charming, innocent, bewitch-opportunity of returning to her: I did so; bet se ing creature.
found the house was shut up; and all the in urma Puff. With fifteen thousand pounds for her for- tion, you know, that we could get from the beigb tune. Strong motives, I must confess. And now, bouring cottage was, that miss and her aunt wer sir, as you are pleased to say you must depend upon removed to town, and lived somewhere near tus my care and abilities in this affair, I think I have a l part of it.
Puff. And now we are got to the place of action, Puff. I have no luck, to be sure. (Aside.) Oh! I propose your plan of operation.
have heard of her; she’s of a pretty good family, and Capt. L. My father lives but in the next street; has some fortune, I know. But are things settled ? 80 I must decamp immediately for fear of discover Is the marriage fixed ? ies; you are not known to be my servant, so make Jas. Not absolutely; the girl, I believe, detests what inquiries you can in the neighbourhood, and I him; but her aunt, a very good, prudent old lady, shall wait at the inn for your intelligence.
bas given her consent, if he can gain her neice's; Puff. I'll patrole hereabouts, and examine all that how it will end I can't tell-but I am hot upon't pass; but I've forgot the word, sir : Miss Biddy, myself. Capt. L. Bellair.
Puff. The devil! not marriage, I hope. Puff. A young lady of wit, beauty, and fifteen Jas. That is not yet determined. thousand pounds fortune. But, sir
Puff. Who is the lady, pray? Capt. L. What do you say, Puff ?
Jas. A maid in the same family, a woman of hoPuff. If your honour pleases to consider that I nour, I assure you: she has one husband already, a had a wife in town, whom I left somewhat abruptly scoundrel sort of a fellow that has run away from half a year ago, you'll think it, I believe, but decent her, and listed for a soldier; so, towards the end of to make some inquiry after her first : to be sure, it the campaign, she hopes to have a certificate he's would be some small consolation to me to know whe-knocked o' the head; if not, I suppose we shall settle ther the poor woman is living, or has made away matters another way. with herself, or
Puff Well, speed the plough. But, harkye ! Capt. L. Prythee, don't distract me: a moment's consummate without the certificate, if you can; keep delay is of the utmost consequence; I must insist your neck out of the collar, do: I have wore it these upon an immediate compliance with my commands. two years, and y galled I am.
[Erit. Jas. I'll take your advice; but I must run away · Puff. The devil's in these fiery young fellows; to my master, who will be impatient for an answer they think of nobody's wants but their own. He does to his message which I have just delivered to the not consider that I am flesh and blood as well as young lady; so, dear Mr. Puff, I am your most obehimself
. However, I may kill two birds at once; dient humble servant. for I sha'n't be surprised if I meet my lady walking Puff And I must to our agent's for my arrears. the streets. But who have we here ? Sure, I should If you have an hour to spare, you'll hear of me at know that face.
George's, or the Tilt-yard. Au revoir, as we say Enter Jasper from a house.
abroad. (Exit JASPER.) Thus we are as civil and as
false as our betters; Jasper and I were always the Who's that ? my old acquaintance, Jasper ? beau monde exactly; we ever hated one another Jas. What, Puff! are you here?
heartily, yet always shake hands. But now to my Puff. My dear friend ! Well, and now, Jasper, master, with a head full of news and a heart full of still easy and happy! Toujours le meme! What in joy.
(Going, starts. trigues now? What girls have you ruined, and what " Angels and ministers of grace defend me!" cuckolds made, since you and I beat up together, eh? It can't be. By heavens! it is, that fretful porcu
Jas. Faith, business hath been very brisk during pine, my wife. I can't stand it: what shall I do? the war; men are scarce, you know ; 'not that I can I'll try to avoid her say I ever wanted amusement in the worst of times.
Tag. It must be he. I'll swear to the rogue at a Jas. Why, faith, I should not have known you, mile's distance; he either has not seen me, or won't if you had not spoke first; you seem to be a little know me: if I can keep my temper I'll try him furen dishabille, too, as well as incognito. Whom do ther. Pray, good sir, if I may be so bold you honour with your service now? Are you from Puff. I have nothing for you, good woman; don't the wars?
trouble me. Puff Piping hot, I assure you; fire and smoke Tag. If your honour pleases to look this waywill tarnish; a man that will go into such service as Puff. The kingdom is over-run with beggars; I I have been in, will find his clothes the worse for suppose the last I gave to has sent this ; but I have wear, take my word for it: but how is it with you, no more loose silver about me; 80, pr’ythee, woman, friend Jasper? What, you still serve, I see. You don't disturb me. Live at that house, I suppose ?
Tag. I can hold out no longer! oh! you villain, Jas. I don't absolutely live, but I am most of my you! Where have you been, scoundrel? Do you time there; I have, within these two months, entered know me now, varlet ?
(Seizes him. into the service of an old gentleman, who hired a Puff. Here, watch, watch! Zounds! I shall have reputable servant, and dressed him as you see, be my pocket picked. cause he has taken it into his head to fall in love. Tag. Own me this minute, hang-dog! and confess
Puff Pale appetite and second childhood ! But, everything; or by the rage of an injured woman, I'll pr'ythee, what's the object of his passion ?
raise up the neighbourhood, throttle you, and send Jas. No less than a virgin of sixteen, I assure you. you to Newgate. Puff Oh, the toothless old dotard !
Puff Amazement! what, my own dear Tag? Jas. And he mumbles and plays with her till his Come to my arms, and let nie press you to my heart, mouth waters; and then he chuckles till ne cries, that pants for thee, and only thee, my true and law and calls it his Bid and his Bidsy, and is so foolishly ful wife. Now my stars have overpaid me for the fond
fatigue and danger of the field; I have wandered Puff. Bidsy! what's that ?
about like Achilles in search of faithful Penelope, Jar. Her name is Biddy.
and the gods have brought me to this happy spot. Puffi Biddy! What, Miss Biddy Bellair ?
Embraces her. Jas. The same.
Tag. The fellow's cracked, for certain. Leave
your bombastic stuff, and tell me, rascal, why you left Tag. Away to your master, and I'll prepare bis me, and where you have been these six months, eh? reception within.
Puff. We'll reserve my adventures for our happy Puff. Shall I bring the certificate with me? (Esut. winter's evenings. I shall only tell you now, that Tag. Go, you graceless rogue, you richly deserve my heart beat so strong in my country's cause, and it.
(Eszt. being instigated by either honour or the devil, (I can't tell which,) I set out for Flanders, to gather
SCENE II.-A Chamber. laurels, and lay them at thy feet.
Enter BIDDY. Tag. You left me to starve, villain, and beg my bread, you did so.
Bid. How unfortunate a poor girl am I! I dare not Puff' I left you too hastily, I must confess, and tell my secret to anybody, and if I don't I'm undore. often has my conscience stung me for it. I am got
Siytas into an officer's service, have been in several actions,
Enter Tag. gained some credit by my behaviour, and am now Pray, Tag, is my aunt gone to her lawyer about me! returned with my master' to indulge the genteeler Heigho! passions.
Tag. What's that sigh for, my dear young mistress? Tag. Don't think to fob me off with this nonsen. Bid. I did not sigh, not I.
(Sighs sical talk; what have you brought me home besides ? Tag. Nay, never gulp them down, they are the Puff Honour, and immoderate love.
worst things you can swallow. There's something Tag. I could tear your eyes out.
in that heart of your's, that swells it, and puffs is, Puf: Temperance, or I walk off.
and will burst it'at last, if you don't give it vent. Tag. Temperance, traitor, temperance! What can Bid. What would you have me tell you ? (Sigiu. you say for yourself ? Leave me to the wide world- Tag. Come, come, you are afraid I'll betray you; Puti: Well
, I have been in the wide world too, but you had as good speak, I may do you some serha'nt I? What would the woman have ?
vice you little think of. Tag. Reduce me to the necessity of going to ser- Bid. It is not in your power, Tag, to give me shat vice. (Cries. I want.
Sighs. Puff. Why, I'm in service, too, your lord and Tug. Not directly, perhaps; but I may be the master, a’n’t I, you saucy jade, you ? Come, where means of helping you to it; as for example, if you dost live, hereabouts ? Hast got good vails ? Dost should not like to marry the old man your aunt dsgo to market ? Come, give me a kiss, darling, and signs for you, one may find a way to breaktell me where I shall pay my duty to thee.
Bid. His neck, Tag? Tag. Why, there I live, at that house.
Tag. Or the match ; either will do, child. (Pointing to the house Jasper came out of. Bid. I don't care which, indeed, so I were clear Puff. What, there ? that house ?
of him. I don't think I'm fit to be married. Tag. Yes, there, that house.
Tag. To him, you mean : you have no objection Puff. Huzza! We're made for ever, you slut, you. to marriage, but the man; and I appland you for it Huzza! Everything conspires this day to make me But, come, courage, miss; never keep it in: ont happy. Prepare for an inundation of joy. My mas- with it all. ter is in love with your Miss Biddy over head and Bid. If you'll ask me any questions I'll answer ears, and she with him : I know she is courted by them; but I can't tell you anything of myself—Ishall some old fool, and her aunt is not against the match; blush if I do. but now we are come, the town will be relieved, and Tag. Well, then : in the first place, pray, tell me, the governor brought over: in plain English, our Miss Biddy Bellair, if you don't like somebody bet fortune is made; my master must marry the lady, ter than old Sir Simon Loveit? and the old gentleman may go to the devil.
Bid. Heigho! Tag. Heyday! What's all this?
Tag. What's heigho, miss ? Puff Say no more, the dice are thrown, doublets Bid. When I say heigho! it means yes. for us; away to your young mistress, while I run to Tag. Very well; and this somebody is a young my master; tell her Rhodophil-Rhodophil will be handsome fellow ? with her immediately; then, if her blood does not Bid. Heigho! mount to her face like quicksilver in a weather-glass, Tag. And if you were once his, you would be as and point to extreme hot, believe the whole to be a merry as the best of us ? lie, and your husband no politician.
Bid. Heigho! Tag. This is news, indeed! I have had the place Tag. So far so good; and since I have got you ta but a little while, and have not quite got into the wet your feet, souse over head at once, and the pain secrets of the family; but part of your story is true, will be ever. and if you bring your master, and miss is willing, I Bid. There then. (A long sigh.] Now belp me warrant we'll be too hard for the old folks.
out, Tag, as fast as you can. Puff. I'll about it straight-But, hold, Tag, I had Tag. When did you hear from your gallant : forgot; pray, how does Mr. Jasper do?
Bid. Never since he went to the army. Tay. Mr. Jasper! what do you mean? I-I-1- Tag. How so?
Puff: What, out of countenance, child ? Oh, fie! Bid. I was afraid the letters would fall into sy Speak plain, my dear; and the certificate, when aunt's hands, so I would not let him write to mi comes that, eh, love ?
but I had a better reason then. Tag. He has sold himself and turned conjurer, or Tag. Pray, let's bear that, too. he would never have known it.
(Aside. Bid. Way, I thought if I should write to bs, and Put Are not you a jade ? Are not you a Jezebel? promise him to love nobody else, and should I Ar'n't you a
wards change my mind, he might think I was in Tag: 0, ho! temperance, or I walk off.
constant, and call me a coquette. Pufj. I know I am not finished yet, and so I am Tag. What a simple innocent it is! (Ande.) Au. easy; but more thanks to my fortune than your vir. have you changed your mind, miss? tue, madam
Bid. No, indeed, Tag; I love him the best of any of thein.
SCENE I.-A Chamber..
Enter CAPTAIN LOVEit, Biddy, Tag, and Puff. Bid. I will trust you with everything. When I parted with him I grew melancholy; so, in order to
Capt. L. To find you still constant, and to arrive divert me, I have let two others court me till he re
at such a critical juncture, is the height of fortune
and happiness. turns again. Tag. Is that all, my dear? Mighty simple, in.
Bid. Nothing shall force me from you; and if I deed!
am secure of your affections
Puff I'll be bound for him, madam, and give you Bid. One of them is a fine blustering man, and is called Captain Flash; he's always talking of fighting any
security you can ask. and wars; he thinks he's sure of me, but I shall
Tag. Everything goes on to our wish, sir ; I just baulk him; we shall see him this afternoon ; for he now had a second conference with my old lady, and pressed strongly to come, and I have given him she
was so convinced by my arguments, that she
releave, while my aunt is taking her afternoon's nap. out of any writings at all'; and she is determined
turned instantly to the lawyer to forbid the drawing Tag. And who is the other, pray ? Bid. Quite another sort of a man; he speaks like never
to thwart miss's inclinations, and left it to us to a lady for all the world, and never' swears
, as Mr. give the old gentleman his discharge at the next visit. Flash does, but wears nice white gloves, and tells
Capt. L. Shall I undertake the old dragon ? me what ribands become my complexion, where to
Tag. If we have occasion for help, we shall call stick my patches, who is the best milliner, where they sell the best tea, and which is the best wash for
Bid. I expect him every moment; therefore, I'll
tell the face and the best paste for the hands; he is al. be locked up in my bed-chamber till we have settled
you what, Rhodophil, you and your man shall ways playing with my-fan, and shewing his teeth; matters with the old gentleman. and whenever I speak, he pats me, so-and cries, “ The devil take me, Miss Biddy, but you'll be my
Capt. L. Do what you please with me.
Bid. You must not be impatient, though. perdition.” Ha, ha, ha! Tag. Oh, the pretty creature ! and what do you ward in view; one kiss, and I'll be quite resigned.
Capt. L. I can undergo anything with such a recall him, pray ?
And now, shew me the way. [Erit with Biddy. Bid. His name is Fribble, and you shall see him too; for, by mistake, I appointed them at the same lock and key I shall bring you to reason.
Tag. Come, sirrah, when I have got you under time; but you must help me out with them. Tag. And suppose your favourite should come too?
Puff. Are your wedding clothes ready, my dove ?
The certificate's come.
Tag. Go follow your captain, sirrah: march. You Bid. It begins with an R-h
may thank heaven I had patience to stay so long.
(Erit with Puff Tag. I'll be hang'd if it is not Rhodophil. Bid. I am frightened at you. You are a witch!
Re-enter Biddy. Tag. I am so, and I can tell your fortune, too. Look me in the face. The gentleman you love most gallants should come in upon us unawares;
Bid. I was very much alarmed for fear my two in the world will be at our house this afternoon; he should have had sad work if they had; I find I love arrived from the army this morning, and dies till he Rhodophil vastly; for though my other sparks flatter sees you.
me more, I can't abide the thoughts of them now. I Bid. Is he come, Tag? Don't joke with me.
have business upon my hands enough to turn my Tag. Not to keep you longer in suspense, you little head; but, egad! my heart's good, and a fig must know, the servant of your Strephon, by some for dangers ! Let me see:-what shall I do with my unaccountable fate or other, is my lord and master; two gallants ? I must, at least, part with them de. he has just been with me, and told me of his master's centiy. Suppose I set them together by the ears? arrival and impatience
The luckiest thought in the world ! For if they won's Bid. Oh! my dear, dear Tag, you have put me quarrel, (as I believe they won't) I can break with out of my wits; I am all over in a futter. I shall them for cowards, and very justly dismiss them m; leap ont of my skin—I don't know what to do with service; and if they will fight, and one of them myself
. Is he come, Tag ? I am ready to faint. I'd should be killed, the other will certainly be hanged give the world I had put on another dress to-day.
or run away, and so I shall very handsomely get Tag. I assure you, miss, you look charmingly. rid of them both. Bid. Do I, indeed, though ? I'll alter my hair im
Re-enter Tag. mediately.
Tag. We'll go to dinner first, and then I'll assist Well, Tag, are they safe ? you.
Tag. I think so; the door's double-locked, and I Bid. Dinner! I can't eat a morsel. I don't know have the key in my pocket. what's the matter with me; my ears tingle, my Bid. That's pure; but have you given them any. heart beats, my face flushes, and I tremble every thing to divert them? joint of me. I must run in and look at myself in the Tag. I have given the Captain one of your old glass this moment.
(Erit. gloves to mumble: but my Strephon is diverting Tag. Yes, she has it, and deeply, too; this is no himself with the more substantial comforts of a cold hypocrisy:
venison pasty. Nolari but nature now performs her part,
Bid. What shall we do with the next that comes ? And every word's the language of the heart. (Exit. Tag. If Mr. Fribble comes first, I'll clap him up
into my lady's store room; I suppose he is a great
maker of marmalade himself, and will have an op- scissors, my Mecca smelling-bottle, and my husvik. portunity of making some critical remarks upon our Bid. I shall laugh in his face. (Aside. I am afraid pastry and sweetmeats.
you are in great pain; pray sit down, Mr. Fribbles Bid. When one of 'em comes, do you go and but I hope your hand is in no danger? (They al watch for the other; and as soon as you see him, Frib. Not in the least, ma'am; pray don't be ar run in to us and pretend it is my aunt, and so we shall prehensive; a milk poultice, and a gentle sudoritie have an excuse to lock him up till we want him. io-night, with a little manna in the morning, I am
Tag. You may depend upon me. Here is one confident will relieve me entirely. of oem.
Bid. But pray, Mr. Fribble, do you make we of
a huswife ? Enter FribBLE.
Frib. I can't do without it, ma'am: there is a Bid. Mr. Fribble, your servant.
club of us, all young bachelors, the sweetest society Frib. Miss Biddy, your slave. I hope I have not in the world; and we meet three times a-week at eada come upon you abruptly; I should have waited upon others lodgings, where we drink tea, hear the chat you sooner, but an accident happened that discom- of the day, invent fashions for the ladies, make so posed me so, that I was obliged to go home again dels of 'em, and cut out patterns in paper. We were to take drops.
the first inventors of knotting, and this fringe is the Bid. Indeed you don't look well, sir Go, Tag, original produce and joint labour of our little com and do as I bid you.
munity. Tag. I will, madam.
(Exit. Bid. And who are your pretty set, pray? Bid. I have set my maid to watch my aunt, that Frib. There's Phil Whiffle, Jacky Wagtail, my we mayn't be surprised by her.
Lord Trip, Billy Dimple, Sir Düberry Dudle, and Frib. Your prudence is equal to your beauty, your humble : miss; and I hope your permitting me to kiss your Bid. What a sweet collection of happy ereatures! hands will be no impeachment to your understanding. Frib. Indeed, and so we are miss; but a ptodi
Bid. I hate the sight of him. (Aside.] I was afraid gious fracas disconcerted us some time ago, at Billy I should not have had the pleasure of seeing you; Dimple's--three drunken naughty women of the pray let me know what accident you met with, and town burst into our club-room, curst us all, threw what's the matter with your hand? I sha'n't be easy down the china, broke six looking-glasses, scalded till I know.
us with the slop-basin, and scratched poor Phil Frib. Well, I vow, Miss Biddy, you're a good l Whiffle's cheek in such a manner, that he has kepe creeter : I'll endeavour to muster up what little spirits his bed bis bed these three weeks. I have, and tell you the whole affair. Hem ! But, Bid. Indeed, Mr. Fribble, I think all our sex have first, you must give me leave to make you a present great reason to be angry; for if you are se bays of a small pot of my lip-salve; my servant made it now you are bachelors, the ladies may wish ani sigt this morning; the ingredients are innocent, I assure to very little purpose. you; nothing but the best virgin-wax, conserve of Frib. You are mistaken, I assure you; I am proroses, and lily of the valley water.
digiously rallied about my passion for you, I can Bid. I thank you, sir, but my lips are generally tell you that, and am looked upon as lost to our se red, and when they a'n't, I bite 'em.
ciety already. He, he, he! Frib. I bite my own sometimes, to pout 'em a little; Bid. Pray, Mr. Fribble, now you have gones but this will give them a softness, colour, and an far, don't think me impudent if I long to know how agreeable moister. Thus let me make an humble you intend to use the lady who has been bonoured offering at that shrine where I have already sacrificed with your affections ? my heart.
[Kneels, and gives the lip-salve. Frib. Not as most other wives are used, I assume Bid Upon my word, that's very prettily ex- you; all the domestic business will be taken of her pressed; you are positively the best company in the hands; I shall make the tea, comb the degs, sed world. I wish he were out of the house. (Aside. dress the children myself; so that, though a
Frib. But to return to my accident, and the rea-commoner, Mrs. Fribble will lead the life of a woman son why my hand is in this condition,- I beg you'll of quality; for she will have nothing to do, bet be excuse the appearance of it, and be satisfied that no- in bed, play at cards, and scold the servants. thing but mere necessity could have forced me to Bid. What a happy creature she must be ! appear thus muffled before you.
Frib. Do you really think so ? Then pray let me Bid. I am very willing to excuse any misfortune have a little serious talk with you: though my pasthat happens to you, sir.
(Curtsies. sion is not of a long standing, I hope the sincerity Prib. You are vastly good, indeed. Thus it was: of my intentions -Hem! You must know, miss, there is not an ani. Bid. Ha, ha, ha! mal in the creation I have so great an aversion to, Frib. Go, you wild thing. (Pats her.] The devil as those hackney-coach fellows. As I was coming take me, but there is no talking to you. How can out of my lodgings, says one of 'em to me, “Would you use me in this barbarous manner? if I had the your honour have a coach ?” “No, man,” said I, constitution of an alderman it would sink under say “not now,” with all the civility imaginable. “I'll sufferings. Hooman nater can't support it. carry you and your doll, too,” said he, “Miss Mar- Bid. Why, what would you do with me, Mr. Frib gery for the same price." Upon which, the mascu- ble ? line beasts about us fell a laughing; then I turned Frib. Well, I vow I'll beat you if you talk round in a great passion, “ Curse me,”
says I, “fel. Don't look at me in that manner-flesh and blood low, but I'll trounce thee." And as I was holding can't bear it. I could but I won't grow indecent. out my hand in a threatening poster, thus, he makes Bid. But, pray, sir, where are the verses you wem a cut at me with his whip, and striking me over the to write upon me? I find, if a young lady depends nail of my little finger, it gave me such exquisite too much upon such fine gentlemen as you, when torter that I fainted away; and while I was in this certainly be disappointed. -tition, the mob picked my pocket of my purse,
Frib. 'I vow, the futter I was put into this after