Young F. Get along, you rascal. [Exit LORY with the portmanteau.] But, colonel, are you acquainted with my proposed sister-in-law? Col. T. She is so, indeed; and Loveless being too careless and insensible of the treasure he possesses-my lodging in the same house has given me a thousand opportunities of making my assiduities acceptable: so that in less than a fortnight, I began to bear my disappointment from the widow with the most Christian resignation. Young F. And Berinthia has never appeared? Col. T. Oh, there's the perplexity; for just as I began not to care whether I ever saw her again or not, last night she arrived. Young F. And instantly resumed her empire? Col. T. No, faith-we met-but, the lady not condescending to give me any serious reasons for having fool'd me for a month, I left her in a huff. Young F. Well, well, I'll answer for it she'll soon resume her power, especially as friendship will prevent your pursuing the other too far-But my coxcomb of a brother is an admirer of Amanda, too, is be? Col. T. Yes, and, I believe, is most heartily despised by her-but come with me, and you shall see her and your old friend Loveless. Young F. I must pay my respects to his lordship-perhaps you can direct me to his lodging. Col. T. Come with me; I shall pass by it. Young F. I wish you could pay this visit for me, or could tell me what I should say to him. Col. T. Say nothing to him-apply yourself to his bag, his sword, his feather, his snuff-box; and when you are well with him, desire him to lend you a thousand pounds, and I'll engage you prosper. Young F. 'Sdeath and furies! Why was that coxcomb thrust into the world before me? O fortune, fortune, thou art a jilt, by Gad! [Exeunt. SCENE II-A Dressing-room. Col. T. Only by character-her father, Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, lives within a quarter of a mile of this place, in a lonely old house, which nobody comes near. She never goes abroad, nor sees company at home; to prevent all misfortunes, she has her breeding within doors; the parson of the parish teaches her to play upon the dulcimer, the Enter Lord FOPPINGTON, in his dressing-gown, and clerk to sing, her nurse to dress, and her father to dance ;-in short, nobody has free admission there but our old acquaintance, Mother Coupler, who has procured your brother this match, and is, I believe, a distant relation of Sir Tunbelly's. Young F. But is her fortune so considerable? Col. T. Three thousand a year, and a good sum of money independent of her father, beside. Young F. 'Sdeath! that my old acquaintance, Dame Coupler, could not have thought of me, as well as my brother, for such a prize. Col. T. Egad, I wouldn't swear that you are too late-his lordship, I know, hasn't yet seen the lady-and, I believe, has quarrelled with his pa Croness. Young F. My dear colonel, what an idea have you started? Col. T. Pursue it if you can, and I promise you you shall have my assistance; for beside my natural contempt for his lordship, I have at present the enmity of a rival towards him. Young F. What, has he been addressing your old flame, the widow Berinthia? Col. T. Faith, Tom, I am at present most whimsically circumstanced. I came here a month ago to meet the lady you mention; but, she failing in her promise, J, partly from pique, and partly from idleness, have been diverting my chagrin by offering up incense to the beauties of Amanda, our friend Loveless's wife. Young F. I never have seen her, but have heard her spoken of as a youthful wonder of beauty and prudence. LA VAROLE. Lord F. Well, 'tis an unspeakable pleasure to be a man of quality-strike me dumb-even the boors of this northern spa have learned the respect due to a title. [Aside.] La Varole! La Var. Mi lor La Var. Mi lor, de shoemaker, de tailor, de hosier, de sempstress, de peru, be all ready, if your lordship please to dress. Lord F. 'Tis well; admit them. Lord F. So, gentlemen, I hope you have all taken pains to show yourselves masters in your professions. Tai. I think I may presume, sir La Var. My lor, you clown, you. Tui. My lord, I ask your lordship's pardon, m SCENE II.] ACTING DRAMA. lord. I hope, my lord, your lordship will be pleased to own I have brought your lordship as accomplished a suit of clothes as ever peer of England wore, my lord; will your lordship please to view 'em now? Lord F. Ay; but let my people dispose the glasses so that I may see myself before and behind; for I love to see myself all round. [Servants place around him several large glasses. Whilst he puts on his coat, enter YOUNG FASHION and Lony. Young F. Hey-day! what the devil have we here?-Sure my gentleman's grown a favourite at court, he has got so many people at his levee. thou art an incomprehensive coxcomb-but thou Lord F. Well, prithee begone about thy busi- Men. My lord, methinks they look mighty well. Men. Indeed, my lord, they are the same kind I had the honour to furnish your lordship with in town. [Apart. Lory. Sir, these people come in order to make him a favourite at court-they are to establish him [Apart. Lord F. Very possibly, Mr. Mendlegs: but with the ladies. Young F. Good heaven! to what an ebb of taste should always remember, Mr. Hosier, that, if you are women fallen, that it should be in the power that was in the beginning of the winter, and you of a laced coat to recommend a gallant to them! [Apart. make a nobleman's spring-legs as robust as his Lery. Sir, tailors and hair-dressers debauch all autumnal calves, you commit a monstrous impro[Apart. priety, and make no allowance for the fatigues of [Rises-exit Hosier. the winter. [Apart. Jew. I hope, my lord, those buckles have had the unspeakable satisfaction of being honoured with your lordship's approbation? the women. Young F. Thou say'st true.-But now for my reception. Lord F. [To Tailor.] Death and eternal tortures! Lord F. Rat the hooks and buttons, sir! Can any thing be worse than this? As Gad shall jedge me, it hangs on my shoulders like a chairman's surtout. Tai. 'Tis not for me to dispute your lordship's fancy. Lord F. Why, they are of a pretty fancy; but Lord F. My good sir, you forget that these matters are not as they used to be; formerly, indeed, the buckle was a sort of machine, intended to keep on the shoe; but the case is now quite reversed, and the shoe is of no earthly use, but to Lory. There, sir, observe what respect does. [Apart. keep on the buckle. Now give me my watches Young F. Respect! D-n him for a coxcomb-[Servant fetches the watches], my chapeau [Servant but let's accost him. [Apart.] Brother, I'm your brings a dress hat], my handkerchief [Servant pours some scented liquid on a handkerchief, and brings it], my snaff-bax [Servant brings snuff-box]: there, now [Exit Jeweller. the business of the morning is pretty well over. humble servant. Lord F. O Lard, Tam, I did not expect you in Engiand-brother, I'm glad to see you-but what has brought you to Scarborough, Tam?-Look you sir, [to the Tailor] I shall never be reconciled to this nauseous wrapping-gown; therefore pray get me another suit with all possible expedition; for this is my eternal aversion. [Exit Tailor.] Well, but Tam, you don't tell me what has driven you to Scarborough.-Mrs. Calico, are not you of my mind? Sem. Directly, my lord.-I hope your lordship is pleased with your ruffles? Lord F. [Sits.] In love with them, stab my vitals. Bring me my bill; you shall be paid to-morrow. Sem. humbly thank your lordship. [Exit. Lord F. Hark thee, shoemaker, these shoes a'nt ugly, but they don't fit me. Sice. My lord, I think they fit you very well. Lord F. They hurt me just below the instep. Shoe. [Kneels, and feels his foot.] No, my lord, they don't hurt you there. Lord F. I tell thee, they pinch me execrably. Shce. [Rising.] Why, then, my lord, if those shoes pinch you, I'll be d-d. Lord F. Why, wilt thou undertake to persuade me I cannot feel? Shoe. Your lordship may please to feel what you Young F. Well, Lory, what dos't think on't? [Apart. a very friendly reception from a brother, after three years' absence! Lory. Why, sir, 'tis your own fault-here you have stood ever since you came in, and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. [Apart. Young F. [Servants all go off] Nor ever shall, while they belong to a coxcomb. [Apart.] Now your people of business are gone, brother. I hope I may obtain a quarter of an hour's audience of you. Lord F. Faith, Tam, I must beg you'l excuse me at this time, for I have an engagement which I would not break for the salvation of mankind. Hey there is my carriage at the door? You'll excuse me, brother. Young F. Shall you be back to dinner? Lord F. As Gad shall jedge me, I can't tell; for may dine with some friends at it is passible Donner's. Young F. Shall I meet you there? for I must needs talk with you. Lord F. That I'm afraid mayn't be quite so praper; for those I commonly eat with are a people of nice conversation; and you know, Tam, your education has been a little at large-but there are Young F. Agreed, agreed; and for thy re other ordinaries in town-very good beef ordina- the girl before sunset, you deserve to be hanged ries-I suppose, Tam, you can eat beef? How-before morning. ever, dear Tam, I'm glad to see thee in England, stab my vitals! (Exit. Young F. Hell and furies! is this to be borne? Lory. Faith, sir, I could almost have given him a knock o' the pate myself. Young F. 'Tis enough; I will now show you the excess of my passion, by being very calm. Come, Lory, lay your loggerhead to mine, and, in cold blood, let us contrive his destruction. Lory. Here comes a head, sir, would contrive it better than both our loggerheads, if she would but join the confederacy. Young F. By this light, Madame Coupler-she seems dissatisfied at something; let us observe her. [They retire. Mrs. C. Ha! stripling, how came you here? What, hast spent all, eh? And art thou come to dun his lordship for assistance? Young F. No; I want somebody's assistance to cut his lordship's throat, without the risk of being hanged for him. Mrs. C. Egad! sirrah, I could help thee to do him almost as good a turn, without the danger of being burned in the hand fort't. Young F. How-how, old Mischief? Mrs. C. Why, you must know I have done you the kindness to make up a match for your brother. Young F. I'm very much beholden to you, truly! Mrs. C. You may, before the wedding-day, yet: the lady is a great heiress, the match is concluded, the writings are drawn, and his lordship is come bither to put the finishing hand to the business. Young F. I understand as much. Mrs. C. Now, you must know, stripling, your brother's a knave. Young F. Good. Mrs. C. He has given me a bond of a thousand pounds for helping him to this fortune, and has promised me as much more, in ready money, upon the day of the marriage; which, I understand by a friend, he never designs to pay me; and his just now refusing to pay me a part is a proof of it. If, therefore, you will be a generous young rogue, and secure me five thousand pounds, I'll help you to the lady. Young F. And how the devil wilt thou do that? Mrs. C. Without the devil's aid, I warrant thee. Thy brother's face not one of the family ever saw the whole business has been managed by me, and all his letters go through my hands. Sir Tuubelly Clumsy, my relation for that's the old gentle. man's name is apprized of his lordship's being down here, and expects him to-morrow to receive his daughter's hand; but the peer, I find, means to bait here a few days longer,-to recover the fatigue of his journey, I suppose. Now you shall go to Muddymoat Hall in his place-I'll give you a letter of introduction: and, if you don't marry ward Mrs. C. Well, well;-though I warrant thou hast not a farthing of money in thy pocket now— no-one may see it in thy face. Young F. Not a souse, by Jupiter. Mrs. C. Must I advance, then? Well, be at my lodgings, next door, this evening, and I'll see what may be done-we'll sign and seal, and, when I have given thee some further instructions, thou shalt hoist sail and begone. [Exit. Young F. So, Lory, fortune, thou seest, at last takes care of merit: we are in a fair way to be great people. Lory. Ay, sir, if the devil don't step between the cup and the lip, as he used to do. Young F. Why, faith! he has played me many a damned trick to spoil my fortune; and, egad! I am almost afraid he's at work about it again now; but if I should tell thee how, thoud'st wonder at me. Lory. Indeed, sir, I should not. Lory. Because, sir, I have wondered at you so often, I can wonder at you no more. Young F. No!-What would'st thou say, if a qualm of conscience should spoil my design? Lory. I would eat my words, and wonder more than ever. Young F. Why, faith! Lory, though I have played many a roguish trick, this is so full-grown a cheat, I find I must take pains to come up to'tI have scruples. Lory. They are strong symptoms of death. If you find they increase, sír, pray make up your will. Young F. No, my conscience shan't starve me, neither, but thus far I'll listen to it. Before I execute this project, I'll try my brother to the bottom. If he has yet so much humanity about him as to assist me—though with a moderate aidI'll drop my project at his feet, and show him how I can do for him much more than what I'd ask he'd do for me. This one conclusive trial of him I resolve to make: Succeed or fail, still vict'ry is my lot: SCENE III-A Drawing-room. Enter LOVELESS and AMANDA. [Exeunt. Lov. How do you like these lodgings, my dear? For my part, I am so pleased with them, I shall hardly remove whilst we stay here, if you are satisfied. Ama. I am satisfied with every thing that pleases you; else I had not come to Scarborough at all. Lov. O! a little of the noise and folly of this place will sweeten the pleasures of our retreat; we shall find the charms of our retirement doubled when we return to it. Ama. That pleasing prospect will be my chiefest entertainment, whilst, much against my will, I engage in those empty pleasures which 'tis so much the fashion to be fond of. Lov. I own most of them are, indeed, but empty; yet there are delights of which a private life is Mr. Loveless, here's a relation and a friend of mine, destitute, which may divert an honest man, and I desire you'll be better acquainted with. be a harmless entertainment to a virtuous woman: Lov. If my wife never desires a harder thing, good music is one; and truly (with some small al-madam, her request will be easily granted. lowance) the plays, I think, may be esteemed an other. Ama. Plays, I must confess, have some small charms. What do you think of that you saw last night? Lov. To say truth, I did not mind it much-my attention was for some time taken off to admire the workmanship of nature, in the face of a young lady who sat some distance from me; she was so exquisitely handsome. Ama. So exquisitely handsome! Lov. Why do you repeat my words, my dear? Ama. Because you seem'd to speak them with such pleasure; I thought I might oblige you with their echo. Lor. Then you are alarmed, Amanda? Ama. It is my duty to be so when you are in danger. Lor. You are too quick in apprehending for me. I viewed her with a world of admiration, but not one glance of love. Ama. Take heed of trusting to such nice distinctions. But were your eyes the only things that were inquisitive? Had I been in your place, my tongue, I fancy, had been curious too. I should have asked her where she lived-yet still without design-who was she, pray? Lov. Indeed I cannot tell. Lov. Upon my honour, then, I did not ask. her? Lov. I do not. But why are you so earnest ? Loc. But you thought wrong, Amanda; for turn the case, and let it be your story: should you come home, and tell me you had seen a handsome man, should I grow jealous because you had eyes? Ama. But, should I tell you he was exquisitely so, and that I had gazed on him with admiration, should you not think 'twere possible I might go one step further, and inquire his name? Re-enter a Servant. ` Serv. Sir, my Lord Foppington presents his humble service to you, and desires to know how you do. He's at the next door; and, if it be not inconvenient to you, he'll come and wait upon you. Lov. Give my compliments to his lordship, and I shall be glad to see him. [Exit Servant.] If you are not acquainted with his lordship, madam, you will be entertained with his character. Ama. Now it moves my pity more than my mirth to see a man, whom nature has made no fool, be so very industrious to pass for an ass. Lov. No, there you are wrong, Amanda: you should never bestow your pity upon those who take pains for your contempt; pity those whom nature abuses, never those who abuse nature. Enter Lord FOPPINGTON. Lord F. Dear Loveless, I am your most humble servant. Lov. My lord, I'm yours. Lord F. Madam, your ladyship's very obedient slave. Lov. My lord, this lady is a relation of my wife's. Lord F. [Kisses her hand.] The beautifullest race of people upon earth, rat me. Dear Loveless, I am overjoyed that you think of continuing here. I am, stap my vitals. For Gad's sake, madam, how has your ladyship been able to subsist thus long, under the fatigue of a country life? [To AMANDA. Ama. My life has been very far from that, my lord,-it has been a very quiet one. Lord F. Why, that's the fatigue I speak of, madam; for 'tis impossible to be quiet without thinking: now thinking is to me the greatest fatigue in the world. Ama. Does not your lordship love reading, then? Lord F. Oh, passionately, madam; but I never think of what I read. For example, madam, my Lor. She has reason on her side; I have talked life is a perpetual stream of pleasure, that glides too much; but I must turn off another way. [Aside.] through with such a variety of entertainments, I Will you, then, make no difference, Amanda, be- believe the wisest of our ancestors never had the tween the language of our sex and yours? There least conception of any of 'em. I rise, madam, is a modesty restrains your tongues, which makes when in tawn, about twelve o'clock. I don't you speak by halves when you commend; but rov-rise sooner, because it is the worst thing in the ing flattery gives a loose to ours, which makes us still speak double what we think. world for the complexion: nat that I pretend to be a beau; but a man must endeavour to look decent, lest he makes so odious a figure in the side-bax, the ladies should be compelled to turn their eyes upon Naw, if I find it is a good day, I resalve to take the play. So, at twelve o'clock, I say, I rise. the exercise of riding; so drink my chocolate, and draw on my boots, by two. On my return, I dress; and, after dinner, lounge, perhaps, to the Opera. Ber. Your lordship, I suppose, is fond of music? turdays; for then there is always the best cumLord F. Oh, passionately! on Tuesdays and Sapany, and one is not expected to undergo the fatigue of listening. Ama. Does your lordship think that the case at the Opera ? Lord F. Most certainly, madam. There is my Lady Tattle, my Lady Prate, my Lady Titter, my Lady Sneer, my Lady Giggle, and my Lady Grin→→ Ꮶ these have boxes in the front, and, while any favourite air is singing, are the prettiest company in the waurld, stap my vitals! Mayn't we hope for the honour to see you added to our society, madam? Ama. Alas! my lord, I am the worst company in the world at a concert; I'm so apt to attend to the music. Lord F. Why, madam, that is very pardonable in the country or at church, but a monstrous inattention in a polite assembly. But I am afraid I tire the company. Lov. Not at all. Pray go on. Lord F. Why, then, ladies, there only remains to add, that I generally conclude the evening at one or other of the clubs; nat that I ever play deep; indeed, I have been tied up for some time from losing above five thousand paunds at a sitting. Lov. But isn't your lordship sometimes obliged to attend to the weighty affairs of the nation? Lord F. Sir, as to weighty affairs, I leave them to weighty heads; I never intend mine shall be a burden to my body. Ber. Nay, my lord but you are a pillar of the state. Lord F. An ornamental pillar, madam; for, sooner than undergo any part of the fatigue, rat me, but the whole building should fall plump to the ground. Ama. But, my lord, a fine gentleman spends a great deal of his time in his intrigues; you have given us no account of them yet. Lord F. Soh! She would inquire into my amours-that's jealousy, poor soul! I see she's in love with me. [Aside.] Oh Lord! madam, I like to have forgot a secret I must needs tell your ladyship. -Ned, you must not be so jealous now as to listen. Lov. [Leading BERINTHIA up the stage.] Not1, my lord,--I am too fashionable a husband to pry into he secrets of my wife. Lord F. [Squeezing AMANDA's hand.] I am in love with you to desperation, strike me speechless! [Apart. Ama. [Strikes him on the ear.] Then thus I return your passion, impudent fool! Lord F. Gad's curse! madam, I am a peer of the realm. Lov. [Hastily returning.] Hey! what the devil, do you affront my wife? Nay, then [Draws.-They fight. Ama. What has my folly done? Help! murder! help! Part them, for Heaven's sake! Lord F. [Falls back, and leans on his sword.] Ah! quite through my body, stap my vitals! Enter Servants. Lov. [Runs to Lord FOPPINGTON.] I hope I ha'n't killed the fool, however. Bear him up--Call a surgeon, there. Lord F. Ay, pray make haste. Enter PROBE and Servant. you never see a man run through the body before? Pray stand by. Lord F. Ah, Mr. Probe, I'm a dead man. Probe. A dead man, and I by! I should laugh to see that, 'egad! Lov. Pr'ythee, don't stand prating, but look upon his wound. Probe. Why, what if I don't look upon his wound this hour, sir? sir. Lov. Why, then, he'll bleed to death, sir. Lov. 'Slife! he's run through the body, I tell thee! Probe. I wish he was run through the heart, and I should get the more credit by his cure. Now, I hope, you are satisfied? Come, now let me come at him-now let me come at him. [Viewing his wound.] Oons! what a gash is here! Why, sir, a man may drive a coach and six horses into your body. Lord F. Oh! Lord F. Are there any hopes? Probe. Hopes! I can't tell. What are you willing to give for a cure? Lord F. Five hundred pounds with pleasure. Probe. Why, then, perhaps there may be hopes; but we must avoid a further delay. Here, help, help the gentleman into a chair, and carry him to my house presently-that's the properest place-to bubble him out of his money. [Aside.] Come, come-there, in with him. Lord F. [As he is borne away.] Dear Loveless, adieu: if I die, I forgive thee; and, if I live, I hope thou wilt do as much by me. I am sorry you and I should quarrel, but I hope here's an end on't; for, if you are satisfied, I am. Lov. I shall hardly think it worth my prosecuting any further; so you may be at rest, sir. Lord F. Thou art a generous fellow, strike me dumb!-but thou hast an impertinent wife, stap | my vitals! [Aside. Probe. So-carry him off-carry him off-we shall have him prate himself into a fever by and by -carry him off. [Exeunt with Lord FOPPINGTON. Enter Colonel TOWNLY. Col. T. So, so, I am glad to find you all alive— I met a wounded peer carrying off. For Heaven's sake, what was the matter? Lov. Oh, a trifle-he would have made love to my wife before my face; so she obliged him with box o'the ear, and I ran him through the body, that was all. a Col. T. Bagatelle on all sides. But pray, maServ. Here's Mr. Probe, sir, was just going by dam, how long has this noble lord been an humble the door. Lord F. He's the welcomest man alive. Probe. Stand by, stand by, stand by; pray, gentlemen, stand by. Lord have mercy upon us, did servant of yours? Ama. This is the first I have heard on't-so, I suppose, 'tis his quality more than his love has brought him into this adventure. He thinks his |