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title an authentic passport to every woman's heart | below the degree of a peeress.

Col. T. He's coxcomb enough to think anything; but I would not have you brought into trouble for him. I hope there's no danger of his life?

Lov. None at all-he's fallen into the hands of a roguish surgeon, who, I perceive, designs to frighten a little money out of him-but I saw his wound 'tis nothing-he may go to the ball tonight if he pleases.

Col. T. I am glad you have corrected him without further mischief, or you might have deprived me of the pleasure of executing a plot against his lordship, which I have been contriving with an old acquaintance of yours.

Lov. Explain

Col. T. His brother, Tom Fashion, is come down here, and we have it in contemplation to save him the trouble of his intended wedding; but we want your assistance. Tom would have called, but he is preparing for his enterprise, so I promised to bring you to him—so, sir, if these ladies can spare

you

Ama. You'll hardly make me think so. Ber. Poh! because you are in love with your husband.

Ama. Pray, 'tis, with a world of innocence, I would inquire whether you think those we call women of reputation, do really escape all other men as they do those shadows of beaus?

Ber. Oh, no, Amanda; there are a sort of men make dreadful work amongst 'em-men that may be called beau's antipathy-for they agree in nothing but walking on two legs. These have brains the beau has none. These are in love with their mistresses-the beau with himself. They take care of their reputation-the beau is industrious to destroy it. They are decent-he's a fop; in short, they are men-he's an ass.

Ama. If this be their character, I fancy we had here, e'en now, a pattern of 'em both.

Ber. His lordship and Colonei Townly?
Ama. The same.

Ber. As for the lord, he is eminently so; and for the other, I can assure you there's not a man in the town who has a better interest with the

Lov. I'll go with you, with all my heart-women, that are worth having an interest with. [Aside]-though I could wish, methinks, to stay and gaze a little longer on that creature.-Good gods! how engaging she is-but what have I to do with beauty! I have already had my portion,

and must not covet more.

Ama. Mr. Loveless, pray one word with you before you go. [Exit Colonel TOWNLY.

Lov. What would my dear? Ama. Only a woman's foolish question-how do you like my cousin, here?

Lor. Jealous already, Amanda?

Ama. He answers the opinion I had ever of him. [Takes her hand.] I must acquaint you with a secret 'tis not that fool alone that has talked to me of love. Townly has been tampering too.

Ber. So, so! here the mystery comes out! [Aside.] Colonel Townly! impossible, my dear!

Ama. 'Tis true, indeed; though he has done it in vain; nor do I think that all the merit of mankind combined could shake the tender love I bear my husband; yet I will own to you, Berinthia, I did not start at his addresses, as when they came from one whom I contemned.

Ama. Not at all.-I ask you for another reason. Lov. Whate'er her reason be, I must not tell Ber. Oh, this is better and better. [Aside.] Well her true. [Aside.] Why, I confess, she's hand-said, innocence: and you think, my dear, that some: but you must not think I slight your kins-nothing could abate your constancy and attachment woman, if I own to you, of all the women who to your husband? may claim that character, she is the last that would

triumph in my heart.

Ama. I am satisfied.

Lov. Now tell me why you ask'd.

Ama. At night I will-adieu.
Lov. I'm yours.

[Kissing her-Exit.
Ama. I am glad to find he does not like her, for
I have a great mind to persuade her to come and
live with me.
[Aside.
Ber. [Aside.] So! I find my colonel continues
in his airs; there must be something more at the
bottom of this than the provocation he pretends
from me.
[Aside.
Ama. For Heaven's sake, Berinthia, tell me what
way I shall take to persuade you to come and live
with me!

Ber. Why one way in the world there is-and

but one.

Ama. Aud pray what is that?

Ber. It is to assure me-I shall be very wel

come.

Ama. If that be all, you shall e'en sleep here tonight.

Ber. To-night!

Ama. Yes, to-night.

Ber. Why, the people where I lodge will think me mad.

Ama. Let 'em think what they please.

Ber. Say you so, Amanda?-Why then they shall think what they please for I'm a young widow, and I care not what anybody thinks.—Ah! Amanda, it's a delicious thing to be a young widow.

Ama. Nothing, I am convinced.

Ber. What if you found he lov'd another woman better?

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Ber. That I never may.
Ama. You banter me.

Ber. Indeed I don't-but I consider I'm a woman, and form my resolutions accordingly. Ama. Well, my opinion is, form what resolution you will, matrimony will be the end on't.

Ber. I doubt it but a-Heavens! I have business at home, and am half an hour too late. Ama. As you are to return with me, I'll just give some orders, and walk with you.

. Well, Lake haste, and we'll finish this bject as we go. [Erit AMANDA.] Ah, poor amanda, you have led a country life. Well, this discovery is lucky! Base Townly!-at once false to me and treacherous to his friend! and my innocent and demure cousin, too! I have it in m power to be revenged on her, however. Не.

husband, if I have any skill in countenance, would a year. But now for my business with him. [Aside.] be as happy in my smiles as Townly can hope to Brother, though I know to talk of any business be in hers. I'll make the experiment, come what (especially that of money) is a theme not quite so will on't. The woman who can forgive the being entertaining to you as that of the ladies, my nerobb'd of a favoured lover, must be either an idiot cessities are such, I hope you'll have patience to or something worse. [Exit. hear me—

ACT II.

SCENE I-A Drawing-room.

Enter Lord FOPPINGTON and LA VAROLE.

Lord F. Hey, fellow, let my vis-a-vis come to

the door.

La Var. Will your lordship venture so soon to expose yourself to the weather?

Lord F. Sir, I will venture as soon as I can to expose myself to the ladies.

La Var. I wish your lordship would please to keep house a little longer; I'm afraid your honour does not well consider your wound.

Lord F. My wound!-I would not be in eclipse another day, though I had as many wounds in my body as I have had in my heart. So mind, Varole, let these cards be left as directed; for this evening I shall wait on my future father-in-law, Sir Tun- a belly, and I mean to commence my devoirs to the lady, by giving an entertainment at her father's expense; and bark thee, tell Mr. Loveless I request he and his company will honour me with their presence, or I shall think we are not friends. La Var. I will be sure, mi lor.

Enter Young FASHION.

[Exit.

Young F. Brother, your servant; how do you find yourself to-day?

Lord F. So well that I have ordered my coach to the door-so there's no danger of death this baut, Tam.

Young F. I'm very glad of it

Lord F. That I believe's a lie. [Aside.] Pr'y. thee, Tam, tell me one thing-id not your heart cut a caper up to your mauth, when you heard I was run through the bady?

Young F. Why do you think it should? Lord F. Because I remember mine did so, when I heard my uncle was shot through the head. Young F. It then did very ill. Lord F. Pr'ythee, why so?

Young F. Because he used you very well. Lord F. Well!-naw strike me dumb, he starv'd me; he has let me want a thausand women, for want of a thausand pawnd.

Young F. Then he hinder'd you from making a great many ill bargains; for I think no woman worth money that will take money.

Lord F. If I was a younger brother, I should think so too.

Young F. Then you are seldom much in love?
Lord F. Never, stap my vitals.

Young F. Why then did you make all this bustle

about Amanda?

Lord F. Because she's a woman of insolent virtue, and I thought myself piqued, in honour, to debauch her.

Young F. Very well.-Here's a rare fellow for you, to have the spending of ten thousand pounds

Lord F. The greatness of your necessities, Tam, is the worst argument in the waurld for your being patiently heard. I do believe you are going to make a very good speech, but strike me dumb, it has the worst beginning of any speech I have heard this twelvemonth.

Young F. I'm sorry you think so. Lord F. I do believe thou art-but come, know the affair quickly.

let's

Young F. Why, then, my case in a word is this. much exceeded the wretched income of my an-The necessary expenses of my travels have so nuity, that I have been forced to mortgage it for five hundred pounds, which is spent. So, unless you are so kind as to assist me in redeeming it, I know no remedy but to take a purse.

Lord F. Why, faith, Tam, to give you my best remedy in the waurld-for if you succeed you sense of the thing, I do think taking a purse the his hand round his neck]-you are relieved are relieved that way, if you are taken [Drawing t'other.

Young F. I'm glad to see you are in so pleasant humour; I hope I shall find the effects on't. sonable thing, that I should give you five hundred Lord F. Why, do you then really think it a reapawnds?

Young F. I do not ask it as a due, brother; I am willing to receive it as a favour.

Lord F. Then thou art willing to receive it any bow, strike me speechless! But these are d--n'd times to give money in; taxes are so great, repairs so exorbitant, tenants such rogues, and bouquets so dear, that, the devil take me, I am reduced to that extremity in my cash, I have been forced to retrench in that one article of sweet pawder, till I have brought it down to five guineas a maunthnow judge, Tam, whether I can spare you five hundred pawnds?

Young F. If you can't, I must starve, that's all.-Damn him! [Aside. Lord F. All I can say is, you should have been a better husband.

Young F. Ouns!-If you can't live upon ten thousand a year, how do you think I should do't upon two hundred ?

Lord F. Don't be in a passion, Tam, for passion is the most unbecoming thing in the waurldto the face. Look you, I don't love to say anything to you to make you melancholy, but, upon this occasion, I must take leave to put you in mind, that a running-horse does require more attendance than a coach-horse.-Nature has made some difference 'twixt you and me.

Young F. Yes-she has made you older.Plague take her! [Aside

Lord F. That is not all, Tam. Young F. Why, what is there else? Lord F. [Looks first on himself, and then on his brother.] Ask the ladies.

Young F. Why, thou essence-bottle, thou muskcat!-dost thou then think thou hast any advantage over me but what fortune has given thee? Lord F. I do, stap my vitals!

Young F. Now, by all that's great and powerful, thou art the prince of coxcombs!

Lord F. Sir, I am proud at being at the head of so prevailing a party. Young F. Will nothing provoke thee?-Draw,

coward.

Lord F. Look you, Tam, you know I have always taken you for a mighty dull fellow, and here is one of the foolishest plats broke out that I have seen a lang time. Your poverty makes life so burdensome to you, you would provoke me to a quarrel, in hopes either to slip through my lungs into my estate, or to get yourself run through the guts, to put an end to your pain, but I will disappoint you in both your designs; far, with the temper of a philasapher, and the discretion of a statesman-I shall leave the room with my sword in the scabbard. [Exit. Young F. So! farewell, brother; and now, conscience, I defy thee.-Lory!

Lory. Sir.

Enter LORY.

Young F. Here's rare news, Lory; his lordship has given me a pill has purged off all my scruples.

Lory. Then my heart's at ease again. For I have been in a lamentable fright, sir, ever since your conscience had the impudence to intrude into your company.

Young F. Be at peace; it will come there no more: my brother has given it a wring by the nose, and I have kick'd it down stairs. So run away to the inn, get the chaise ready quickly, and bring it to Dame Coupler's without a moment's delay.

Lory. Then, sir, you are going straight about the fortune?

Young F. I am.-Away-fly, Lory! Lory. The happiest day I ever saw. the wing already; now then I shall get

SCENE II-A Garden.

Enter LOVELESS and Servant.

Lov. Is my wife within?

I'm upon my wages. [Exeunt.

Serv. No, sir, she has gone out this half-hour. Lov. Well, leave me. [Exit Servant.] How strangely does my mind run on this widow-never was my heart so suddenly seized on before-that my wife should pick out her, of all womankind, to be her play fellow. But, what fate does, let fate answer for I sought it not-soh!-by heav'ns!here she comes!

Enter BERINTHIA.

Ber. What makes you look so thoughtful, sir? I hope you are not ill!

Lev. I was debating, madam, whether I was so or not, and that was it which made me look so thoughtful.

Ber. Is it, then, so hard a matter to decide? I thought all people were acquainted with their own bodies, though few people know their own minds. Lov. What, if the distemper I suspect be in the mind?

Ber. Why, then, I'll undertake to prescribe you

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Lov. Ob, you might betray me to my wife.
Ber. And so lose all my practice.

Lov. Will you then keep my secret?
Ber. I will.

Lov. Well-but swear it.

Ber. I swear by woman!

Lov. Nay, that's swearing by my deity; swear by your own, and I shall believe you. Ber. Well, then, I swear by man!

Lov. I'm satisfied. Now hear my symptoms, and give me your advice. The first were these: when I saw you at the play, a random glance you threw at first alarm'd me. I could not turn my eyes from whence the danger came-I gaz'd upon you till my heart began to pant-nay, even now, on your approaching me, my illness is so increased, that, if you do not help me, I shall, whilst you look on, consume to ashes.

[Takes her hand.. Ber Oh, Lord! let me go! 'tis the plague, and we shall be infected. [Breaking from him. Lov. Then we'll die together, my charming:

angel. Ber. Oh, 'gad! the devil's in you. Lord, let me go--here's somebody coming.

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Col. T. Soh! what's here-Berinthia and Loveless-and in such close conversation!-I cannot now wonder at her indifference in excusing herself to me!-Oh, rare woman-well, then, let Loveless look to his wife, 'twill be but the retort courteous on both sides. Your servant,-madam, need not ask you how you do, you have got so good a colour.

I

Ber. No better than I used to have, I suppose.

Col. T. A little more blood in your cheeks.
Ber. I have been walking!

Col. T. Is that all? Pray was it Mr. Loveless went from here just now?

Ber. Oh, yes he has been walking with me. Col. T. He has!

Ber. Upon my word, I think he is a very agreeable man and there is certainly something particularly insinuating in his address!

Col. I. So! so! she hasn't even the modesty to dissemble! [Aside.] Pray, madam, may I, without impertinence, trouble you with a few serious questions?

Ber. As many as you please; but pray let them be as little serious as possible.

Col. T. Is it not near two years sinee I have presumed to address you?

Ber. I don't know exactly-but it has been a tedious long time.

Col. T. Have I not, during that period, had every reason to believe that my assiduities were far from being unacceptable?

Ber. Why, to do you justice, you have been extremely troublesome and I confess I have been more civil to you than you deserved.

Ber. Think so! I am sure of it.
Ama. You are sure on't?

Ber. Positively-he fell in love at the play. Ama. Right-the very same-but who could have told you this?

Ber. Um-oh-Townly !-I suppose your husband has made him his confidant.

Ama. Oh, base Loveless! and what did Townly

Ber. So, so-why should she ask that? [Aside.] Say! why he abused Loveless extremely, and said all the tender things of you in the world.

Col. T. Did I not come to this place at your ex-say on't? press desire, and for no purpose but the honour of meeting you?-and, after waiting a month in disappointment, have you condescended to explain, or, in the slightest way, apologize for your conduct?

Ber. Oh, heavens! apologize for my conduct!apologize to you!-Oh, you barbarian!-But pray, now, my good serious colonel, have you anything more to add?

Ama. Did he?-Oh! my heart!--I'm very illdear Berintbia, don't leave me a moment. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-Outside of Sir Tunbelly's House.

Enter Young FASHION and LORY. Col. T. Nothing, madam, but that, after such Young F. So here's our inheritance, Loy, if behaviour, I am less surprised at what I saw just we can but get into possession--but, methinks, the now it is not very wonderful that the woman who seat of our family looks like Noah's ark, as if the can trifle with the delicate addresses of an honour-chief part on't were designed for the fowls of the able lover, should be found coquetting with the air and the beasts of the field. husband of her friend.

:

Ber. Very true-no more wonderful than it was for this honourable lover to divert himself, in the absence of this coquette, with endeavouring to seduce his friend's wife! Oh, colonel, colonel, don't talk of honour or your friend, for Heaven's

sake!

Col. T. 'Sdeath! how came she to suspect this? [Aside.] Really, madam, I don't understand you. Ber. Nay-nay-you saw I did not pretend to misunderstand you. But here comes the lady: perhaps you would be glad to be left with her for an explanation.

Col. T. Oh, madam, this recrimination is a poor resource; and, to convince you how much you are mistaken, I beg leave to decline the happiness you propose me. Madam, your servant.

Enter AMANDA.-Colonel TowNLY whispers
AMANDA, and exit.

Lory. Pray, sir, don't let your head run upon the orders of building here--get but the heiress, let the devil take the house.

Young F. Get but the house! let the devil take the heiress, I say-but come, we have no time to squander; knock at the door. [LORY knocks two or three times at the gate.] What the devil, have they no ears in this house?-Knock harder.

Lory. 'Egad, sir, this will prove some enchanted castle-we shall have the giant come out, by and by, with his club, and beat our brains out,

[Knocks again.

Young F. Hush, they come.
Serv. [Within.] Who is there?
Lory. Open the door, and see-is that your coun.
try breeding?

Serv. Ay, but two words to that bargain-Tummus, is the blunderbuss prim'd?

Young F. Ouns! give 'em good words, Loryor we shall be shot here a fortune-catching. Ber. He carries it off well, however-upon my Lory. 'Egad, sir, I think you're in the right on't word-very well! - how tenderly they part.--ho!-Mr. What-d'ye-call-em-will you please [Aside.]-So, cousin-I hope you have not been to let us in? or are we to be left to grow like wilchiding your admirer for being with me-I assure you we have been talking of you.

Ama. Fy, Berinthia!-my admirer-will you never learn to talk in earnest of anything?

Ber. Why, this shall be in earnest, if you please; for my part, I only tell you matter of fact.

Ama. I'm sure there's so much of jest and earnest in what you say to me on this subject, I scarce know how to take it. I have just parted with Mr. Loveless-perhaps it is fancy, but I think there is an alteration in his manner which alarms me.

Ber. And so you are jealous? is that all?
Ama. That all-is jealousy, then, nothing?
Ber. It should be nothing, if I were in your

case.

Ama. Why, what would you do?

Ber. I'd cure myself.

Ama. How?

Ber. Care as little for my husband as he did for me. Look you, Amanda, you may build castles on the air, and fume and fret, and grow thin, and lean, and pale, and ugly, if you please; but I tell you, no man worth having is true to his wife, or ever was, or ever will be so.

Ama. Do you then really think he's false to me? for I did not suspect him."

lows by your moat-side?

[Servant looks over the wall with a blunderbuss in
his hand.

Serv. Well, naw, what's ya're business?
Young F. Nothing, sir, but to wait upon Sir
Tunbelly, with your leave.

Serv. To weat upon Sir Tunbelly? Why, you'll find that's just as Sir Tunbelly pleases.

Young F. But will you do me the favour, sir, to learn whether Sir Tunbelly pleases or not?

Serv. Why, look you, d'ye see, with good words much may be done. Ralph, go thy ways, and ask Sir Tunbelly if he pleases to be waited upon-and, dost hear, call to Nurse, that she may lock up Miss Hovden before the gates open.

Young F. D'ye hear that, Lory?

Gates open-Enter Sir TUNBELLY CLUMSY, M. D., with Servants, armed with guns, clubs, pitchforks, &c.

Lory. O! [Runs behind his master.] O Lord! O
Lord! we are both dead men!

Young F. Fool! thy fear will ruin us.
[Apart to LORY.
Lory. My fear, sir! 'Sdeath, sir, I fear nothing.

SCENE IV.

[Apart.] Would I were well up to the chin in a [Aside. horse-pond. Sir T. Who is it here hath any business with

me?

Young F. Sir, 'tis I, if your name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsy.

Sir T. Sir, my name is Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, whether you have any business with me or not.So you see I am not ashamed of my name, nor my face, either.

desire

for, ha ?What do you din a body's ears for? Can't one be quiet for you?

Nurse. What do I din your ears for? Here's one come will din your cars for you.

Miss H. What care I who's come? I care not a fig who comes or who goes, as long as I must be lock'd up like the ale-cellar.

Nurse. That, miss, is for fear you should be drunk before you are ripe.

Miss H. Oh, don't trouble your head about that; I m as ripe as you, though not so mellow.

Nurse. Very well, now I have a good mind to lock you up again, and not let you see my lord tonight.

Miss H. My lord! why, has my husband come?
Nurse. Yes, marry, is he, and a goodly person,

too.

Young F. Sir, you have no cause that I know of. Sir T. Sir, you have no cause either. to know who you are; for, till I know your name, I shan't ask you to come into my house; and, when I do know your name, 'tis six to four I don't ask you then. Young F. Sir, I hope you'll find this letter an [Flinging away her knife, loaf, and butter. [Gives him a letter. authentic passport. Miss H. [Hugs Nurse.] Oh, my dear Nurse, forSir T. Cod's my life, from Mrs. Coupler !-1 ask your lordship's pardon ten thousand times. [To give me this once, and I'll never misuse you again; no, if I do, you shall give me three thumps on the his Servant.] Here, run in a-doors quickly; get a Scotch coal fire in the parlour, set all the Turkey-back, and a great pinch by the cheek. work chairs in their places, get the brass candlesticks out, and be sure stick the sockets full of laurel-run-[Turns to Young FASHION ] My lord, I ask your lordship's pardon. [To the Servant.] And, do you hear, run away to Nurse, bid her let Miss Hoyden loose again. [Exit Servant.] I hope your honour will excuse the disorder of my family.-tucker, though I'm lock'd up for a month for't.

We are not used to receive men of your lordship's great quality every day. Pray where are your coaches and servants, my lord?

Young F. Sir, that I might give you and your daughter a proof how impatient I am to be nearer akin to you, I left my equipage to follow me, and came away post with only one servant.

Sir T. Your lordship does me too much honourit was exposing your person to too much fatigue. and danger,-1 protest it was; but my daughter shall endeavour to make you what amends she can ; and, though I say it that should not say it, Hoyden has charms.

Young F. Sir, I am not a stranger to them, though I am to her common fame has done her justice.

Nurse. Ah, the poor thing! see how it melts its as full of good nature as an egg's full of meat. Miss H. But, my dear Nurse, don't lie, now-is he come, by your troth?

Nurse. Yes, by my truly, is he.

Miss H. Oh, Lord! I'll go and put on my laced

[Exeunt-Miss HOYDEN goes off capering and twirling her doll by its leg.

ACT III.

SCENE I.-An Apartment at Sir TUNBELLY
CLUMSY'S.

Enter Miss HOYDEN and Nurse.
Nurse. Well, miss, how do you like your hus-
band that is to be?

Miss H. Oh, Lord, Nurse, I'm so overjoyed, I can scarce contain myself.

Nurse. Oh, but you must have a care of being fond; for men, now-a-days, hate a woman that loves 'em.

Sir T. My lord, I am common fame's very grateful, humble servant. My lord, my girl's young-too Hoyden is young, my lord: but this I must say for her, what she wants in art, she has in breeding and what's wanting in her age, is made good in her constitution. So pray, my lord, walk in; pray my lord, walk in.

Young F. Sir, I wait upon you.

[Exeunt.

SCENE IV.- An Apartment in Sir TUNEELLY

CLUMSY's House.

Miss HOYDEN discovered.

Miss H. Love him! why, do you think I love him, Nurse? 'Ecod, I would not care if he was bang'd, so I were but once married to him. No, that which pleases me is, to think what work I'll make when get to London; for, when I'm a wife and a lady both, 'ecod, I'll flaunt it with the best of 'em. Ay, and I shall have money enough to do so,

too, Nurse.

Nurse. Ah, there's no knowing that, miss; for, though these lords have a power of wealth, indeed, yet, as I have heard say, they give it all to their Miss H. Sure, nobody was ever used as I am. I sluts and their trulls, who joggle it about in their know well enough what other girls do, for all they coaches, with a murrain to 'em, whilst poor madam think to make a fool o' me. It's well I have a hus-sits sighing and wishing, and has not a spare halfband a coming, or, icod! I'd marry the baker, I would so. Nobody can knock at the gate, but pre sently I must be locked up; and here's the young greyhound can run loose about the house all the day long, so she can.-'Tis very well

Nurse. [Without, opening the door.] Miss Hoyden, miss, miss, miss! Miss Hoyden!

Enter Nurse.

crown to buy her a "Practice of Piety."

Miss H. Oh, but for that, don't deceive yourslf, Nurse; for this I must say of my lord, he's as free as an open house at Christmas; for this very morning he told me I should have six hundred a year to buy pins. Now, if he gives me six hundred a year to buy pins, what do you think he'll give me to buy petticoats?

Nurse. Ah, my dearest, he deceives thee foully, Miss H. Well, what do you make such a noise and he's no better than a rogue for his pais

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