These Londoners have got a gibberish with 'em would confound a gipsy. That which they call pin-money is to buy everything in the versal world, down to their very shoe-knots. Nay, I have beard some folks say that some ladies, if they'll have gailants, as they call 'em, are forced to find them out of their pin-money, too. But look, look, if his honour be not coming to you! Now, if I were sure you would behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me that have brought you up, I'd leave you alone together. Miss H. That's my best Nurse, do as you'd be done by. Trust us together this once, and, if I don't show my breeding, I wish I may never be married, but die an old maid. Nurse. Well, this once I'll venture you. But, if you disparage me Miss H. Never fear. [Exit Nurse. Enter Young FASHION. Young F. Your servant, madam: I'm glad to find you alone, for I have something of importance to speak to you about. Young F. So! matters go on swimmingly. This is a rare girl, i'faith. I shall have a fine time on't with her at London. Enter LORY. So, Lory, what's the matter? Lory. Here, sir,—an intercepted letter from the knew the livery, pretended to be a servant of Sir enemy; your brother's postillion brought it.-I Tunbelly's, and so got possession of the letter. Young F. [Looks at the letter.] Ouns! he tells Sir Tunbelly, here, that he will be with him this evening, with a large party, to supper. 'Egad, I must marry the girl directly. Lory. Oh, zounds, sir, directly, to be sure. Here she comes. [Exit. Young F. And the old jesabel with her. Re-enter Miss HOYDEN and Nurse. How do you do, good Mrs. Nurse? I desired your young lady would give me leave to see you, that I might thank you for your extraordinary care and kind conduct in her education: pray accept of this small acknowledgment for it, at present, and depend upon my further kindness when I shall be that happy thing, her husband. [Gives her money. Nurse. Gold, by the maakins! [Aside.] Your Miss H. Sir-my lord, I meant-you may speak to me about what you please, I shall give you a civil answer. Young F. You give so obliging a one, it en-honour's goodness is too great. Alas! all I can courages me to tell you, in a few words, what I think, both for your interest and mine. Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make me happy in being your husband; and I hope I may obtain your consent to perform what he desires. Miss H. Sir, I never disobey my father in any-Pray, one word with you. Pr'ythee, Nurse, don't thing but eating green gooseberries. Young F. So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife; I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so far consider the violence of my love, that you won't have the cruelty to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it. Miss H. Pray, my lord, how long is that? Young F. Madam, a thousand years-a whole week. Miss H. Why, I thought it was to be to-morrow morning, as soon as I was up. I'm sure Nurse told me so. Young F. And it shall be to-morrow morning, if you'll consent. Miss H. If I'll consent? Why, I thought I was to obey you as my husband? Young F. That's when we are married. Till then, I'm to obey you. Miss H. Why, then, if we are to take it by turns, it's the same thing. I'll obey you now, and, when we are married, you shall obey me. Young F. With all my heart. But I doubt we must get Nurse on our side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain. Miss H. No more we sha'n't, indeed; for he loves her better than he loves his pulpit, and would always be a preaching to her by his good will. Young F. Why, then, my dear, if you'll call her hither, we'll persuade her presently. Miss H. Oh, lud! I'll tell you a way how to persuade her to anything. Young F. How's that? Miss H. Why, tell her she's a handsome, comely woman, and give her half-a-crown. Young F. Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of them. Miss H. Oh! gemini! for half that she'd marry you herself. I'll run and call her. [Erit. boast of is, I have given her pure good milk, and so your honour would have said, an' had you seen how the poor thing thrived, and how it would look up in my face-and crow and laugh, it would. Miss H. [To Nurse, taking her angrily aside.] stand ripping up old stories, to make one ashamed before one's love. Do you think such a fine proper gentleman as he is, cares for a fiddle-come tale of a child? If you have a mind to make him have a good opinion of a woman, don't tell him what one did then, tell him what one can do now. [Goes to FASHION.] I hope your honour will excuse my mismanners to whisper before vou; it was only to give some orders about the family. Young F. Oh, everything, madam, is to give way to business; beside, good housewifery is a very commendable quality in a young lady. Miss H. Pray, sir, are young ladies good housewives at London town? Do they darn their own linen? Young F. Oh, no, they study how to spend money, not to save. Miss H. 'Ecod, I don't know but that may be the better sport! ha, Nurse! Young F. Well, you shall have your choice when you come there. Miss H. Shall I?—Then, by my troth, I'll get there as fast as I can. His honour desires you'll be so kind as to let us be married to-morrow. [To Nurse. Nurse. To-morrow, my dear madam? Miss H. 'Ecod, with all my heart! Young F. Yes, sweet Nurse, now, and privately; for, all things being signed and sealed, why should Sir Tunbelly make us stay a week for a weddingdinner? Nurse. But if you should be married now, what will you do when Sir Tunbelly calls for you to be married? Miss H. Why, then we will be married again. Nurse. What, twice, my child? Miss H. 'Ecod! I don't care how often I'm married, not I. Nurse. Well, I'm such a tender-hearted fool, I find I can refuse you nothing. So you shall e'en follow your own inventions. Miss H. Shall I?-Oh, Lord, I could leap over the moon. Young F. Dear Nurse, this goodness of yours shall be still more rewarded, But you must employ your power with the chaplain, that he may do his friendly office too, and then we shall all be happy. Do you think you can prevail with him? Nurse. Prevail with him? or he shall never prevail with me, I can tell him that. Young F. I'm glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your interest with him, you may let him know I have several fat livings in my gift, and that the first that falls shall be in your disposal. Nurse. Nay, then, I'll make him marry more folks than one, I'll promise him. Miss H. Faith, do, Nurse! make him marry you too; I'm sure he'll do it for a fat living. Young F. Well, Nurse, while you go and settle matters with him, your lady and I will go and take a walk in the garden. [Exit Nurse.] Come, madam, dare you venture yourself alone with me? [Takes Miss HoYDEN by the hand. Miss H. Oh dear, yes, sir! I don't think you'll do anything to me I need be afraid on. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-A Garden. Moonlight. Enter LOVELESS. Lw. Now, does she mean to make a fool of me, or not? I shan't wait much longer, for my wife will soon be inquiring for me to set out on our supping-party. Suspense is at all times the devil -but of all modes of suspense, the watching for a loitering mistress is the worst. But let me accuse her no longer; she approaches with one smile, to o'erpay the anxieties of a year! Enter BERINTHIA. O, Berinthia, what a world of kindness are you in my debt! Had you stayed five minutes longer Ber. You would have gone, I suppose? Lor. 'Egad! she's right enough. [Aside. Ber. And I assure you, 'twas ten to one that I came at all. In short, I begin to think you are too dangerous a being to trifle with; and, as I shall probably only make a fool of you at last, I believe we had better let matters rest as they are. Lov. You cannot mean it, sure? Ber. What more would you have me give to a married man? Lov. How doubly cruel to remind me of my misfortunes! Ber. A misfortune to be married to so charming a woman as Amanda ? Lov. I grant all her merit, but-'Sdeath! now see what you have done by talking of her-she's bere, by all that's unlucky, and Townly with her I'll observe them. Ber. O Ged, we had better get out of the way; for I should feel as awkward to meet her as you. Lov. Ay, if I mistake not, I see Townly coming this way also. I must see a little into this matter. [Steps aside. Ama. To you? Col. T. Yes, madam: the lady for whom he now deserts those charms which he was never worthy of, was mine by right; and I imagined, too, by inclination.-Yes, Madam Berinthia, who now. Ama. Berinthia! Impossible! Col. T. 'Tis true, or may I never merit your attention. She is the deceitful sorceress who now holds your husband's heart in bondage. Ama. I will not believe it. Col. T. By the faith of a true lover, I speak from conviction. This very day I saw them together, and overheard Ama. Peace, sir, I will not even listen to such slander-this is a poor device to work on my resentment, to listen to your insidious addresses. No, sir, though Mr. Loveless may be capable of error, I am convinced I cannot be deceived so grossly in him, as to believe what you now report; and for Berinthia, you should have fixed on some more probable person for my rival, than she who is my relation and my friend: for, while I am myself free from guilt, I will never believe that love can beget injury, or confidence create ingratitude. Col. T. If I do not prove to you Ama. You never shall have an opportunity: From the artful manner in which you first showed yourself to me, I might have been led, as far as virtue permitted, to have thought you less criminal than unhappy; but this last unmanly artifice merits at once my resentment and contempt. [Exit. Col. T. Sure, there's divinity about her; and she has dispensed some portion of honour's light to me: yet can I bear to lose Berinthia withou revenge or compensation? Perhaps she is not so culpable as I thought her. I was mistaken when L I began to think lightly of Amanda's virtue, and Re-enter LOVELESS and BERINTHIA. Ber. Pray what do you think of this? Lov. Why tolerably so, I must confess. Ber. We!--Why, monster, you don't pretend that I ever entertained a thought? Young F. What the devil's the matter! Lory. Sir, your fortune's ruin'd if you are not married. Yonder's your brother arrived, with two coaches and six horses, twenty footmen, and a coat worth fourscore pounds-so judge what will become of your lady's heart. Young F. Is he in the house yet? Lory. No, they are capitulating with him at the gate. Sir Tunbelly luckily takes him for an im postor; and I have told him that we had heard of this plot before. Young F. That's right. [Turning to Miss HoyDEN.] My dear, here's a troublesome business my man tells me of; but don't be frightened, we shall be too hard for the rogue. Here's an impudent fellow at the gate (not knowing I was come hither incognito), has taken my name upon him, in hopes to run away with you. Miss H. Oh, the brazen-faced varlet, it's well we are married, or may be we might never have been so. Young F. 'Egad, like enough. [Aside.] Pr’ythee,. Nurse, run to Sir Tunbelly, and stop him from going to the gate before I speak with him. Lov. Why, then, sincerely and honestly, Berinthia, there is something in my wife's conduct which strikes me so forcibly, that if it were not for shame, and the fear of hurting you in her opirion, I swear I would follow her, confess my error, and trust to her generosity for forgiveness. Ber. Nay, pr'ythee, don't let your respect for me prevent you; for, as my object in trifling with you was nothing more than to pique Townly, and, as perceive he has been actuated by a similar motive, you may depend on't I shall make no mys-more, now I'm married. tery of the matter to him. Lov. By no means inform him; for though I may choose to pass by his conduct without resentment, how will be presume to look me in the face again? Ber. How will you presume to look him in the face again? Lov. He who has dared to attempt the bonour of my wife. Ber. You, who have dared to attempt the honour of his mistress! Come, come, be ruled by me, who affect more levity than I have, and don't think of anger in this cause. A readiness to resent injuries, is a virtue only in those who are slow to injure. Lov. Then I will be ruled by you; and when you shall think proper to undeceive Towaly, may your good qualities make as sincere a convert of him, as Amanda's have of me. When truth's extorted from us, then we own the robe of virtue is a sacred babit: Could women but our secret counsels scan- SCENE III. Sir TUNBELLY CLUMSY's House. Young F. This quick despatch of the chaplain's I take so kindly, it shall give him claim to my favour as long as I live, I assure you. Miss H. And to mine, too, I promise you. Nurse. I most humbly thank your honours; and may your children swarm about you like bees about a honeycomb. Miss H. l'cod, with all my heart-the more the merrier, I say-ha, Nurse! Enter LORY. Lory. One word with you, for Heaven's sake. Nurse. An't please your honour, my lady and I had best lock ourselves up till the danger be over. Young F. Do so, if you please. Miss H. Not so fast; I won't be lock'd up any Young F. Yes, pray, my dear, do, till we have seized this rascal. thing. Miss H. Nay, if you'll pray me, I'll do any [Exit Miss HoYDEN and Nurse. Young F. [To LoPY.] Hark you, sirrah, things are better than you imagine. The wedding's over. Lory. The devil it is, sir! [Capers about. Young F. Not a word-all's safe-but Sir Tunbelly don't know it, nor must he yet. So I am resolved to brazen the brunt of the business out and have the pleasure of turning the impostor upon his lordship, which I believe may easily be done. Enter Sir TUNBELLY CLUMSY. Did you ever hear, sir, of so impudent an undertaking? Sir T. Never, by the mass; but we'll tickle him, I'll warrant you. Young F. They tell me, sir, he has a great many people with him, disguised like servants. Sir T. Ay, ay, rogues enow, but we have mastered them. We only fired a few shot over their beads, and the regiment scowered in an instant. Here, Tummus, bring in your prisoner. Young F. If you please, Sir Tunbelly, it will be best for me not to confront the fellow yet, till you have heard how far his impudence will carry him. Sir T. 'Egad, your lordship is an ingenious person. Your lordship then will please to step aside. Lory. 'Fore heaven, I applaud my master's modesty. [Exit with Young FASHION. Enter Servants, with Lord FOPPINGION disarmed. Sir T. Come, bring him along, bring him along. Lord F. What the plague do you mean, gentlemen? Is it fair time, that you are all drunk before supper? Sir T. Drunk, sirrah! here's an impudent rogue for you now. Drunk or sober, bully, I'm a justice of the peace, and know how to deal with strollers. Lord F. Strollers! Sir T. Ay, strollers. Come, give an account of yourself. What's your name? where do you live? do you pay scot and lot? Come, are you a freeholder or a copyholder? Lord F. And why dost thou ask me so many impertinent questions? Sir T. Because I'll make you answer 'em, before I have done with you, you rascal you. Lord F. Before Gad, all the answers I can make to them is, that you are a very extraordinary old fellow, stap my vitals! Sir T. Nay, if thou art joking, deputy lieutenants, we know how to deal with you. Here, draw a warrant for him immediately. Lord F. A warrant! What the devil is't thou wouldst be at, old gentleman ? Sir T. I would be at you, sirrah (if my hands were not tied as a magistrate), and with these two double fists beat your teeth down your throat, you dog you. [Driving him. Lord F. And why wouldst thou spoil my face at that rate? Sir T. For your design to rob me of my daughter, villain. Lord F. Rab thee of thy daughter! Now do I begin to believe I am in bed and asleep, and that all this is but a dream. Pr'ythee, old father, wilt thou give me leave to ask thee one question? Sir T. I can't tell whether I will or not, till I know what it is. Lord F. Why, then, it is, whether thou didst not write to my Lord Foppington, to come down and marry thy daughter? Sir T. Yes, marry, did I, and my Lord Foppington is come down, and shall marry my daughter before she's a day older. Lord F. Now give me thy hand, old dad; I thought we should understand one another at last. Sir T. The fellow's mad-here, bind him hand and foot. [They bind him. Lord F. Nay, pr'ythee, koight, leave fooling; thy jest begins to grow dull. Sir T. Bind him, I say—he's mad; bread and water, a dark room, and a whip, may bring him to his senses again. Lord F. Pr'ythee, Sir Tunbelly, why should you take such an aversion to the freedom of my address, as to suffer the rascals thus to skewer down my arms like a rabbit? 'Egad, if I don't awake, by all that I can see, this is like to prove one of the most impertinent dreams that ever I dreamt in my [Aside. life. Re-enter Miss HOYDEN and Nurse. Miss H. [Going up to him.] Is this he that would have run?-Fough, how he stinks of sweets. Pray, father, let him be dragged through the horse-pond. Lord F. This must be my wife, by her natural inclination to her husband. [Aside. Miss H. Pray, father, what do you intend to do with him-hang him? Sir T. That at least, child. Young F. Is this the fellow, sir, that designed to trick me of your daughter? Sir T. This is he, my lord; how do you like him? Is not he a pretty fellow to get a fortune? Young F. I find by his dress he thought your daughter might be taken with a beau. Miss H. Oh, gemini! Is this a beau? Let me see him again. [Surveys him.] Ha! I find a beau is no such ugly thing, neither. Young F. 'Egad, she'll be in love with him presently-I'll e'en have him sent away to gaol. [Aside.] Sir, though your undertaking shows you a person of no extraordinary modesty, I suppose you ha'n't confidence enough to expect much favour from me? [To Lord FOPPINGTON. Lord F. Strike me dumb, Tam, thou art a very impudent fellow. Nurse. Look! if the varlet has not the effrontery to call his lordship, plain Thomas. Lord F. My Lord Foppington, shall I beg one word with your lordship? Nurse. Ho, ho, it's my lord with him now. See how afflictions will humble folks. Miss H. Pray, my lord, [To FASHION] don't let him whisper too close, lest he bite your ear off. Lord F. I am not altogether so hungry as your ladyship is pleased to imagine. Look you, Tam, I am sensible I have not been so kind to you as I ought, but I hope you'll forgive what's past, and accept of the five thousand pounds I offer--thou mayst live in extreme splendour with it, stap my vitals. [Apart to Young FASHION. Young F. It's a much easier matter to prevent a disease than to cure it. A quarter of that sum would have secured your mistress, twice as much [Apart-leaving him. cannot redeem her. Sir T. Well, what says he? Young F. Only the rascal offered me a bribe to let him go. Sir T. Ay, he shall go, with a plague to himlead on, constable. Enter a Servant. Serv. Sir, here is Muster Loveless, and Muster Colonel Townly, and some ladies to wait on you. [To Young FASHION. Lory. So, sir, what will you do now? [Aside. Young F. Be quiet; they are in the plot. [Aside to LORY.] Only a few friends, Sir Tunbelly, whom I wish'd to introduce to you. Lord F. Thou art the most impudent fellow, Tam, that ever nature yet brought into the world. Sir Tunbelly, strike me speechless, but these are my friends and acquaintance, and my guests, and they will soon inform thee whether I am the true Lord Foppington or not. Enter LOVELESS, Colonel TOWNLY, AMANDA, and BERINTHIA.-Lord FoPPINGTON accosts them as they pass, but none answer him. Young F. So, gentlemen, this is friendly; I re Col. T. My lord, we are fortunate to be the witnesses of your lordship's happiness. Nurse. Ay, and it's e'en too good for him, too. Lord F. Madame la governante, I presume:joice to see you. hitherto this appears to me to be one of the most extraordinary families that ever man of quality marched into. [Aside. Sir T. What's become of my lord, daughter? Miss H. He's just coming, sir. Lord F. My lord! What does he mean by that, now ? Aside. Re-enter Young FASHION and LORY. Stap my vitals, Tam! now the dream's out. Lov. But your lordship will do us the honour to introduce us to Sir Tunbelly Clumsy. Ama. And us to your lady. Lord F. [Amazed.] Ged take me, but they are all in a story. Sir T. Gentlemen, you do me much honour; my Lord Foppington's friends will ever be welcome to me and mine. Young F. My love, let me introduce you to these ladies. Miss II. By goles, they look so fine and so stiff, I am almost ashamed to come nigh 'em. Ama. A most engaging lady, indeed! Miss H. Thank ye, ma'am. Ber. And, I doubt not, will soon distinguish herself in the beau monde. Miss H. Where is that? Young F. You'll soon learn, my dear. Lov. But, Lord Foppington Lord F. Sir! Lov. Sir! I was not addressing myself to you, sir Pray, who is this gentleman? He seems rather in a singular predicament Col. T. For so well-dressed a person, a little oddly circumstanced, indeed. Sir T. Ha, ha, ha! So these are your friends and your guests, ha! my adventurer? Lord F. I am struck dumb with their impudence, and cannot positively say whether I shall ever speak again or not. Sir T. Why, sir, this modest gentleman wanted to pass himself upon me as Lord Foppington, and carry off my daughter. Lov. A likely plot to succeed, truly; ha, ha! Lord F. As Gad shall judge me, Loveless, I did not expect this from thee. Come, pr'ythee, confess the joke: tell Sir Tunbelly that I am the real Lord Foppington, who yesterday made love to thy wife, was honoured by her with a slap on the face, and afterwards pinked through the body by thee. Sir T. A likely story, truly, that a peer would behave thus! Lov. A pretty fellow, indeed, that would scan dalize the character he wants to assume; but what will you do with him, Sir Tunbelly? Sir T. Commit him, certainly, unless the bride and bridegroom choose to pardon him. Lord F. Bride and bridegroom! for Gad's sake, Sir Tunbelly, 'tis tarture to me to hear you call 'ein so. Miss H. Why, you ugly thing, what would you have him call us-dog and cat? Lord F. By no means, miss; for that sounds ten times more like man and wife than t'other. Sir T. A precious rogue, this, to come a wooing! Re-enter a Servant. Serv. There are some gentlefolks below to wait upon Lord Foppington. Col. T. 'Sdeath, Tom, what will you do now? [Apart to Young FASHION. Lord F. Now, Sir Tunbelly, here are witnesses, who, I believe, are not corrupted. Sir T. Peace, fellow! Would your lordship choose to have your guests shown here, or shall they wait till we come to 'em? Young F. I believe, Sir Tunbelly, we had better not have these visiters here yet. 'Egad, all must [Aside. out. Lov. Confess, confess; we'll stand by you. [Apart to Young FASHION. Lord F. Nay, Sir Tunbelly, I insist on your calling evidence on both sides-and, if I do not prove that fellow an impostor Young F. Brother, I will save you the trouble, by now confessing that I am not what I have Sir T. Ouns!-what's this?-an impostor?-a cheat?-fire and faggots, sir, if you are not Lord Foppington, who the devil are you? Young F. Sir, the best of my condition is, I am your son-in-law; and the worst of it is, I am bro ther to that noble peer. Lord F. Impudent to the last, Gad demme. Sir T. My son-in-law! Not yet, I hope. Young F. Pardon me, sir; thanks to the good ness of your chaplain, and the kind offices of this old gentlewoman. Lory. 'Tis true, indeed, sir; I gave your daughter away, and Mrs. Nurse, here, was clerk. Sir T. Knock that rascal down! But speak, Jesabel, how's this? Nurse. Alas! your honour, forgive me! I have been overreach'd in this business as well as you. Your worship knows, if the wedding-dinner had been ready, you would have given her away with your own hands. Sir T. But how durst you do this, without acquainting me. Nurse. Alas! if your worship had seen how the poor thing begg'd and pray'd, and clung and twin'd about me like ivy round an old wall, you would say, I, who had nurs'd it, and rear'd it, must have had a heart like stone to refuse it. Sir T. Ouns! I shall go mad! Unloose my lord, there, you scoundrels! Lord F. Why, when these gentlemen are at leisure, I should be glad to congratulate you on your son-in-law with a little more freedom of address. Miss H. 'Egad, though, I don't see which is to be my husband, after all. Lov. Come, come, Sir Tunbelly, a man of your understanding must perceive, that an affair of this kind is not to be mended by anger and reproaches. Col. T. Take my word for it, Sir Tunbelly, you are only trick'd into a son-in-law you may be proud of; my friend, Tom Fashion, is as honest a fellow as ever breath'd. Lov. That he is, depend on't; and will hunt or drink with you most affectionately; be generous, old boy, and forgive them Sir T. Never. The bussy!--when I had set my heart on getting her a title. Lord F. Now, Sir Tunbelly, that I am untruss'd, give me leave to thank thee for the very extraordinary reception I have met with in thy damn'd, execrable mansion; and, at the same time, to assure you, that, of all the bumpkins and blockheads I have had the misfortune to meet with, thou art the most obstinate and egregious, strike me ugly! Sir T. What's this? I believe you are both rogues alike. Lord F. No, Sir Tunbelly, thou wilt find, to thy unspeakable mortification, that I am the real Lord Foppington, who was to have disgraced myself by an alliance with a clod; and that thou hast match'd thy girl to a beggarly younger brother of mine, whose title-deeds might be contained in thy tobacco-box. Sir T. Puppy! puppy!-I might prevent their being beggars, if I choose it; for I could give them as good a rent-roll as your lordship. thou art a barbarian, stap my vitals! Lord F. Ay, old fellow, but you will not do that passed myself for. Sir Tunbelly, I am a gentle--for that would be acting like a Christian, and man, and, I flatter myself, a man of character; but, 'tis with great pride I assure you I am not Lord Feppington. Sir T. Udzookers! Now six such words more, and I'll forgive them directly. |