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DRAMATIS PERSONÆ

Jer. Humph! ana so be bes le av feast, where there is nothing to be astes?

Val. Yes.
SIR SAMPSON LEGEND
VALENTINE

Jer. Sir, you're a geefiemes, and probabes
BEN

derstand this fine feeding; be, please, I sa SCANDAL

rather be at board-sages Does foer Epictetes TATTLE

your Seneca here, or as be peer rică regue FORESIGHT

teach you how to pay for lebts mitest une JEREMY

will they shut up the mouths of your creditors! TRAPLAN

Plato be bail for you? or Diogenes, becuse be SNAP.

derstands confinement, and tired in a taš,

prison for you? Sife! sir, what do you tas, Mrs. FORESIGHT

mew yourself up here with three or for me Mrs. FRAIL

books, in commendation of starring and peret! Miss PRUE

Val. Why, sirrah, I bave no money, you know ANGELICA

and therefore resolve to rail at all that hare: Nurse

in that I but follow the examples of the misest JENNY

wittiest men in all ages-these poets and phi Servants.

phers, whom you naturally hate, for jest such other reason; because they abeund in sense, you are a fool.

Jer. Ay, sir, I am a fool, I know it; an' АСТІ.

heaven help me! I'm poor enough to beant, I was always a fool, when I told you what you

penses would bring you to; your coaches and SCENE I. --Valentine's Lodgings. liveries; your treats and your balls; your being

love with a lady, that did net care a farthing FALENTINE discovered reading ; JEREMY waiting. you in your prosperity; and keeping compay Several books upon the table.

wits, that cared for nothing but yosr prosperity, Vel. Jeremy!

now when you are poor, hate you as much as Jer. Sir?

do one another. Val. Here, take away; I'll walk a turn, and di- Val, Well! and now I am poor, I hare an gest what I have read.

[Rises.portunity to be revenged on them all; l'1 pus Jer. You'll

grow devilish fat upon this paper diet! Angelica with more love than ever, and app

(Aside, and taking away the books. more notoriously her admirer in this restraints Val. And, d'ye hear? go you to breakfast: there's when I openly rivalled the rich fops that made as a page doubled down in Epictetus, that is a feast for to her. So shall my poverty be a mortification an empero:

her pride, and perhaps make her compassicsak Jer. Was Epictetus a real cook, or did he only love, which has principally reduced me to this l write receipts :

ness of fortune And for the wits, I'm sure I Val. Read, read, sirrah, and refine your appetite; in a condition to be even with them. learn to live upon instruction ; feast your mind, and Jer. Nay, your condition is pretty erea mortify your desh. Read, and take your nourish- theirs, that's the truth on't. ment in at your eyes; shut up your mouth, and chew Val. I'll take some of their trade cut of the cud of understandin z: 80 Epictetus advises. hands. Jer. Oh, lord! I have to eard much of him, when

Jer. Now heaven of merey continue the more I waited upon a gentleman

at Cambridge, Pray, paper ! You don't mean to write ?
what was that Epictetus ?

Val. Yes, I do; I'll write a play
Pal. A very rich man-not worth a groat

Jer Hem! Sir if you please to give me - B

Epicgiqi el. very richdoit 1797

tificate of three lines; only to certify those to stage of Athens, and be allowed the force of open om it may concern, “ That the bearer hereof, honest satire. remy Fetch by name, has, for the space of seven Val, You are as inveterate against our poets, as ars, truly and faithfully served Valentine Legend, if your character had been lately exposed upon the quire; and that he is not now turned away for stage. Nay, I am not violently bent upon the trade. ý misdemeanor, but does voluntarily dismiss his [4 knock.) Jeremy, see who's there. L Èrit JEREMY.] ister from any future authority over him." But tell me what you would have me do? What does Val. No, sirrah! you shall live with me still. the world say of me, and my forced confinement ? Jer. Sir, it's impossible; I may die with you, Scand. The world behaves itself, as it uses to do irve with you, or be damned with your works : but on such occasions. Some pity you, and condemn

live, even three days, the life of a play, I no your father; others excuse him, and blame you. ore expect it, than to be canonized for a muse Only, the ladies are merciful, and wish you well; ter my decease.

since love and pleasurable expense have been your Val. You are witty, you rogue ; I shall want your greatest faults lp. I'll have you learn to make couplets, to tag the end of acis. D'ye hear? get the maids to

Re-enter JEREMY. rambo in an evening, and learn the knack of Val. How now? ayming; you may arrive at the height of a song Jer. Nothing new, sir. I have despatched some ent by an unknown hand, or a chocolate-house half a dozen duns with as much dexterity as a hungry impoon.

judge does causes at dinner-time. Jer. But, sir, is this the way to recover your Val. What answer have you given them ? ather's favour? Why, Sir Sampson will be irre. Scand. Patience, I suppose the old receipt? oncilable. If your younger brother should come Jer, No, faith, sir: I have put them off so long rom sea, he'd never look upon you again. You're with patience and forbearance, and other fair words, ndone, sir; you're ruined ; you won't have a friend that I was forced to tell them in plain downright eft in the world, if you turn poet: I never think of Englishhe trade but the spirit of famine appears to me;

Val. What ? ometimes like a decayed porter, worn out with Jer. That they shonld be paid. vimping, and carrying billet-doux and songs; not Val. When ? ike other porters, for hire, but for the jest's sake : Jer. To-morrow. how like a thin chairman, melted down to half his Val. And how the devil do you mean to keep proportion, with carrying a poet upon tick, to visit your word ? come great fortune ; and his fare to be paid him, Jer. Keep it? not at all: it has been so very ike the wages of sin, either at the day of marriage, much stretched, that I reckon it will break of course br the day of death.

by to-morrow, and nobody be surprised at the malEnter SCANDAL.

ter! (Knocking) Again! Şir, if you don't like my

negociation, will you be pleased to answer these Scand. What! Jeremy holding forth ? :

yourself? Val. The rogue has (with all the wit he could Val. See who they are. (Erit Jeremy.] By this, muster up) been declaiming against wit.

Scandal, you may see what it is to be great. SecreScand. Ay! Why, then, I'm afraid Jeremy has taries of state, presidents of the council, and genewit: for wherever it is, it's always contriving its rals of an army, lead just such a life as I do; have own ruin.

just such crowds of visitants in a morning, all soliJer. Why so I have been telling my master, sir. citing of past promises; which are but a civiller Mr. Scandal, for heaven's sake! sir, try if you can sort of duus, that lay claim to voluntary debts. dissuade him from turning poet. Scand. Poet! he shall turn soldier first, and

Re-enter JEREMY. rather depend upon the outside of his head, than Jer. Oh! sir, there's Trapland, the scrivener, the lining! Why, what the devil! has not your with two suspicious fellows, like lawful footpads, poverty made you enemies enough? must you needs that would knock a man down with pocket tipshew your wit to get more ?

staves; and there's your father's steward; and the Jer. Ay, more indeed; for who cares for anybody nurse, with one of your children, from Twitnam. that has more wit than himself ?

Val. Plague on her! could she find no other time Scand. Jeremy speaks like an oracle. Don't you to fling my sins in my face? Here! give her this, see how worthless great men and dull rich rogues Gives money.) and bid her trouble me no more: avoid a witty man of small fortune ? Why he looks, bid Mr. Trapland come in. If I can give that Cerlike a writ of inquiry, into their titles and estates; berus a sop, I shall be at rest for one day. and seems commissioned by heaven to seize the bet

(Exit JEREMY. ter half. Val. Therefore, I would rail in my writings, and

Re-enter JEREMY, with Trapland. be revenged.

(Rises. Oh! Mr. Trapland, my old friend, welcome ! Jeremy, Scand. Rail! at whom ? the whole world ? Im- a chair quickly; a bottle of sack and a toast. Fiy potent and vain! Who would die a martyr to sense, –a chair first.

(Erit JEREMY. in a country where religion is folly? You may stand Trap. A good morning to you, Mr. Valentine ; at bay for a while ; but, when the full cry is against and to you, Mr. Scandal. you, you sba’n't have fair play for your life. If you Scand. The morning's a very good morning, if can't be fairly run down by the hounds, you will be you don't spoil it. treacherously slot by the huntsman. No; turn Val. Come, sit you down : you know his way. flatterer, quack, lawyer, anything but a poet : a Trap. (Sits. There is a debt, Mr. Valentine, of modern poet is worse, more servile, timorous, and fifteen hundred pounds, of pretty long standing fawning, than any I have named; without you could Val. I cannot talk about business with a thirsty retrieve the ancient hors ours of the name, recall the palate, Sirrah! the sack,

warm water: st I'll be Re-enter JEZEXT, srit rire, Sre.

shares was to his consecte
Trap. And I desire te kaza what coarse yon bare Trap Mi Scandal yao we er:
takes for the payment

Taize ar sack; but yoe ses
Vel. Faith and track. I am heartily glad to see -2-3 I mare draak it
yor. Mş service to you! fill, fill, to honest Mr. Sound And bor és ses espe
Trapland -feber!

Dar ages, when a rentes
Trap. Held! sweetheart, this is not to ar besi- Tel You need say as . I
Dess. 'Mş service to you, Mr. Scandal: (Drinka) conditions; they are very bari le
I bare forborne as long-

çery pressing: I agree to the Ta Pol Tothes glass, and then we'll talk F.nl. land sith you, and let bisa dresse Jeremy.

Trapland, you know this man; be Trap. No more, in truth I bare forborne, I Trap. Sincerely, I am in to

but my necessary Tal. And bow does your handsome daughter- Tel. No apologs, Ni. Serirese; Come, a good basband to ber.

| Drinks. paid. Trap. Thank yog-1 bare been out of this Trap. I hope you sorrin m. money

quiresFel. Drink &rst. Scandal, why do you not drink? [E.sessi Taapland, Stra

[They drink.

Seard. He begs parene, like a boxca Trap. And, in short, I can be put of no longer. execution.

Tal. I was mech obliged to you for your supply: ral. But I have got a reprizre. it did me signal service in my necessity. But you Scand. I am surprised What! delight in doing good. Scandal, drink to me my relent? friend Trapland's health. An honester man lives Fal No; be bas sent me the basis not, nor one

more ready to serve his friend in dis in the world. You have bardak tress; tboagh I say it to his face. Come, fill each of mine, that was sent to sea såre e man his glass.

brother, my father hears, is ba; Scand. What! I know Trapland has been a very afectionately sends

zils wencher, and loves a girl still

. You never knes a deed of conveyance of my wencher, that was not an honest fellow.

his death, to my younger Trap. Fie! Mr. Scandal, you never knew- ately furnish ne sith four shase

Ssand. What don't I know? I know the buxom my debts and make my farten black widow in the Poultry-eight hundred pounds proposed before, and I refused a; a-year jointure, and twenty thousand pounds in impatience of my creditors thes money. Ha ha! old Trap!

own impatience of confinement and Fal

. Say you so, i'faith Come, we'll remember Angelica, force me to osasest the widow; I know whereabouts you are; come, to Seard. A very desperate demuestrate the widow.

love to Angelica! and I thiak, she bes 3:1 Trap. No more, indeed.

you any assurance et bers Val. What! the widow's health? off with it. Val. You know bes temper; she stergate [They drink.] A lovely girl, i'faith, black sparkling any great reason either et bope et des eur. eyes, soft pouting ruby lips! Better sealing there, Scand. Women of bez ar tezpe, than a bond for a million, eh?

dom think before they act so that I Trap. Ha, ha, ha! Verily, give me a glass. any light to guess at what they sai Be You're a wag; and here's to the widow. !Drinks. little reason to believe that a won 12 |

Sand. He begins to chuckle; ply him close, or who has had an indifference for ** be'll relapse into a dun.

(Erit JEREMY. perity, will fall in love with year after Enter Sxap.

sides, Angelica has a great fortone a non

great fortunes either expect another pas Snap. By your leave, gentlemen. Mr. Trapland, or a fool. if we must do our office, tell us. We have half a

Re-enter JEESWT.
dozen gentlemen to arrest in Pall-mall and Covent-
garden; and if we don't make haste, the chairmen Jer. More misfortunes, sir!
will be abroad, and block up the chocolate-houses ; Val. What! another dan ?
and then our labour's lost.

Jer. No, sir; but Mr. Tattle is
Re-enter JEREMT.

you.

Val. Well, I can't help it; Fog Trap. Odso! that's true. Mr. Valentine, I love up; he knows I don't go abroad. mirth; but business must be done ; are you ready Scand. Plague on him, I'll begone. to

Val. No, pr’ythee, stay: Tattle and so Jer. Sir, your father's steward says he comes to never be asunder; you are light and sisu make proposals concerning your debts.

shew one another. He is perfectly to

(Exit JEREMY. both in humour and understanding; and *** Val. Bid him come in: Mr. Trapland, send away up for defamation, he is a mender of defek acil your officer; you shall have an answer presently. Scand. A mender of reputations! as, jos

Trap. Mr. Snap, stay within call. (Exit Snap is a keeper of secrets; ancaber virtue thai ?* Enter JEREMY and Steward, who whispers Valens up for in the same manner, For the rogae vat

aloud, in the posture of a whisper; and ex

man's name, while he gives you the mare! Scand. Here's a dog now, a traitor in his wine! person : he will forswear receiving a letters Sirrah! refund the sack; Jeremy, fetch bim some ) and, at the same time, sex you be hadi

1

TINE,

ed.

cription; and yet, perhaps, he has counter- Tat. Not a word, as I hope to be saved; an arthe han., too, and sworn to a truth. In short, rant lapsus linguæ ! Come, let us talk of something

public professor of secrecy, and makes pro-else. tion that he holds private intelligence. He

Val. Well! but how did you acquit yourself?

Tat. Pooh, pooh! nothing at all; I only rallied Enter Tattle.

with you. A woman of ordinary rank was a little

jealous of me, and I told her something or other, 4. Valentine, good morrow: Scandal, I am Faith! I know not what. Come, let's talk of somethat is, when you speak well of me. thing else.

[Hums a song. Ind. That is, when I am your's : for while I am Scand. Hang him! let him alone; he has a mind wn, or anybody's else, that will never happen. we should inquire. t. How inhuman!

Tat. Valentine, I supped last night with your . Why, Tattle, you need not be much con- mistress, and her uncle, old Foresight : I think your d at anything that he says: for to converse father lies at Foresight's. Scandal, is to play at Losing Loadum ; you Val. Yes.

lose a good name to him, before you can win Tat. Upon my soul, Angelica's a fine woman ! : yourself.

And so is Mrs. Foresight, and her sister, Mrs. Frail. it. But how barbarous that is, and how unfor- Scand. Yes; Mrs. Frail is a very fine woman; te for him, that the world shonld think the bet. we all know her. of any person for his calumniation! I thank Tat, Oh! that is not fair. en, it has always been a part of my character Scand. What ? andle the reputations of others very tenderly,

Tat, To tell

Scand. To tell what? Why, what do you know of and. Ay, such rotten reputations as you have Mrs. Frail ? al with, are to be handled tenderly, indeed. Tat. Who, I? Upon honour, I don't know whether at. Nay, why rotten ? why should you say rot- she be a man or a woman; but by the smoothness when you know not the persons of whom you of her chin, and roundness of her hips. k? How cruel that is !

Scand, No! rand. Not know them? Why thou never hadst Tat. No. O with any one that was not common to all the Scand. She says otherwise.

Tat. Impossible ! at. Ha, ha, ha! nay, now you make a jest of Scand. Yes, faith! Ask Valentine else. ndeed. For there is nothing more known, than Tat. Why, then, as I hope to be saved, I believe

nobody knows anything of that nature of me. | a woman only obliges a man ta secrecy, that she I hope to be saved, Valentine, I never exposed may have the pleasure of telling herself. oman, since I knew what woman was.

Scand. No doubt on't. Well, but has she done 'al. And yet you have conversed with several ? you wrong or no? You have succeeded with her, "at. To be free with you, I have; I don't care if eh? wn that; nay, more, (I'm going to say a bold Tat. Though I have more honour than to tell d, now,) I never could meddle with a woman, first, I have more manners than to contradict what t had to do with anybody else.

a laly has declared. Scand. How!

Scand. Well, you own it? Pal. Nay, faith! I'm apt to believe him; except Tat. I am strangely surprised! Yes, yes; I can. husband, Tattle.

not deny it, if she taxes ine with it. Tat. Oh! that

Scand. She'll be here by-and-by; she sees ValenScand. What think you of that noble commoner, tine every morning. '3. Drab?

Tat. How ? Tat. Pooh! I know Madam Drab has made her Val. She does me the favour-I mean, of a visit igs in three or four places, that I said this and sometimes. I did not think she had granted more it, and writ to her, and did I know not what to anybody. b, upon my reputation, she did me wrong. Well, Scand. Nor I, faith! But Tattle does not use to 11! that was malice; but I know the bottom of it. belie a lady; it is contrary to his character. How e was bribed to that by one we all know-a man, one may be deceived in a woman, Valentine ! only to bring me into disgrace with a certain Tat, Nay, what do you mean, gentlemen ? man of quality

Scand, I'in resolved I'll ask her. Scand. Whom we all know.

Tat. Ob, barbarous! Why did you not tell me Tat. No matter for that. Yes, yes ; everybody Scand. No; you told us. lows! no doubt on't, everybody knows my secrets !

Tat. And bid me ask Valentine ? it I soon satisfied the lady of my innocence; for Val. What did I say? I hope you won't bring me Lold her: “ Madam, (says 1,) there are some per- to confess an answer, when you ne'zer asked me the ns who make it their business to tell stories, and question. y this and that of one and the other, and every- Tat. But, gentlemen, this is the most inhuman ing in the world; and, (says I,) if your grace proceedingScand. Grace !

Val. Nay, if you have known Scandal thus long, Tat. Oh, lord! what have I said ? My unlucky and cannot avoid sur'a a palpable decoy as this was ; ngue !

the ladies have a fine time, árbose reputations are in Val. Ha, ha, ha!

your keeping Scand. Why, Tattle, thou hast more impudence an one can in reason expect: I shall have an

Re-enter JEREMY teem for thee. Well, andha, ha, ha! well, go 1; and what did you say to her grace ?

Jer. 'sir, Mrs. Frail has sent to know if you are Vol. I confess this is something extraordinary.

Val. Shew her up when she comes. (Exit JEREMY,

stirsi in

[graphic]

Tat. I'll begone.

we shall have a most amphibious brede Val. You'll meet her.

gedy will be all otters: he has been inita, Tat. Is there not a back way?

and she has never been oat of the Co
Val If there were, you have more discretion than Val. Plague take them! their wajua
to give Scandal such an advantage; why, your run- no good, I'm sure.
ning away will prove all that he can tell her. Mrs. F. Now you talk of conjunctie,

Tat. Scandal, you will not be so ungenerous. Oh! Foresight has cast both their satives,
I shall lose my reputation of secrecy for ever. I nosticates an admiral, and an eminent je
shall never be received but upon public days; and peace, to be the issue male of their treba
muy visits will never be admitted beyond a drawing the most superstitious old fool! He
room: I shall never see a bed-chamber again, never persuaded me that this was as unidas
be locked in a closet, nor run behind a screen, or would not let me come abroad: but I
under a table; never be distinguished among the dream, and sent him to Artemidorus
waiting-women by the name of trusty Mr. Tattle tation, and so stole out to see you. W
more. You will not be so cruel ?

will you give me now? what all you at
Val Scandal, have pity on him; he'll yield to Tattle?
any conditions.

Tat. I? My soul, madam.
Tal. Any, any terms!

Mrs. F. Pooh! no, I thank yer; I baze Scand. Come, then, sacrifice half a dozen women to do to take care of my own. Wel is is of good reputation

to me presently. Come, where and see you one of these mornings: I lear
are you familiar? And see that they are women of have a great many pietures.
quality, too; the first quality.

Tat. I have a pretty good collection
Tai. "Tis very hard. Won't a baronet's lady pass ? vice; some originals.
Scand. No; nothing under a right honourable. Scand. Hang him! he has nothing to the

Tat, Oh, inhuman? You don't expect their sons, and the Twelve Caesars, pale copies names?

the Five Senses, as il-represented as they Scand. No, their titles shall serve.

himself; and he himself is the sols enigsel Tat. Alas! that is the same thing! Pray spare will see there. me their titles ; I'll describe their persons.

Mrs. F. Ay, but I hear he has a cluest of beszbis Seand. Well, begin, then. But take notice, if Scand. Yes; all that have doze bine fanses, you are so ill a painter, that I cannot know the per- you will believe him. son by your picture of her, you must be condemned, Mrs. F. Ay! let me see those, Mr. Tatke. like other bad painters, to write the name at the Tat. Oh! madam, these are sure to love si bottom.

contemplation. No man but the painter and a Tat. Well, first, then

self was erer blest with the sight. Mrs. F. [Within.] No, no; bid them wait. Mrs. F. Well, but a woman

Tat. Oh, unfortunate! she's come already. Will Tat. Nor woman, till she consented to have be you have patience till another time? I'll double the picture there, too; for then she is obliged to keeg number.

the secret. Scand. Well, on that condition—Take heed you Scand. No, no! come to me if you'd see don't fail me.

tures.

Mrs. F. You ?
Enter Mrs. FRAIL

Scand. Yes, faith! I can shes you your
Mrs. F. I shall get a fine reputation, by coming picture, and most of your sequaintance, to the lik
to see fellows in a morning! Scandal, you devil, are and as like as at Kneller's.
you here, too? Oh! Mr. Tattle, everything is safe Mrs. F. Oh! lying creature! Valentine,
with you, we know.

not he lie? I can't believe a word he says. Scand. Tattle!

Val. No, indeed; he speaks truth mor; for, Tat. Mum-Oh! madam, you do me too much Tattle has pictures of all that has granted bas honour.

vours, he has the pictures of all that bas zefus Val. Well

, Lady Galloper, how does Angelica ? him; if satires, characters, and lampons are Mrs F. Angelica ? Manners!

tures. Val. What, you will allow an absent lover- Scand. Yes; mine are most in black and white

Mrs F. No; I'll allow a lover present with his and yet there are some set out in the true color mistress to be particular ; but, otherwise, I think both men and women. I can see you pride, fully his passion ought to give place to his manners. affectation, wantonness, inconstancy, CTOSES

Val. But what if he has more passion than man- dissimulation, malice, and ignorance, all is ners ?

piece. Then, I can shew yos lying, fappers, Mrs F. Then let him marry, and reform. nity, cowardice, bragging, and ugliness, is dat

Val. Marriage, indeed, may qualify the fury of piece: and yet one of these is a celebrated beans his passion; but it very rarely amends a man's and t'other a professed beaz. I have sesse kies manners.

glyphics, too. Mrs. F. You are the most mistaken in the worid; Mrs. 7. Come, let's hear them. there is no creature perfectly civil, but a husband: Scand. I have a lawyer with a hundred base for in a little time, he grows only rude to his wife; two heads, and but one face; a divine, with and that is the highest good breeding, for it begets faces, and one head; and I have a soldier, with his civility to other people. Well, I'll tell you brains in his belly, and his heart where his is news; but I suppose you heard your brother Ben- should be. jamin is landed; and my brother Foresight's daugh- Tat. And no head: ter is come out of the country: I assure you, there's Scand. No head. a match talked of by the old people. Well, if he

Mrs. F. Pooh! this is all intention. Wat be but as great a sea beast, as she is a land monster, come, if it be but to disprove you. the coun

of by the 9 -at a sea beast, et284

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