ÆäÀÌÁö À̹ÌÁö
PDF
ePub

Re-enter JEREMY.

. Sir, here's the steward again from your fa

I'll come to him. [Exit JEREMY.] Will you me leave? I'll wait on you again presently. rs. F. No; I'll begone. Come, who squires o the Exchange? I must call on my sister sight there.

and. I will: I have a mind to your sister. rs. F. Civil!

at. [To Mrs. FRAIL.] I will; because I have a re for your ladyship.

Irs. F. That's somewhat the better reason, to opinion. [Exeunt Mrs. FRAIL and TATTLE. al. Tell Angelica I am about making hard conons to come abroad, and be at liberty to see her. cand. I'll give an account of you and your prolings. If indiscretion be a sign of love, you are most a lover of anybody that I know. You y that parting with your estate will help you to r mistress; in my mind, he is a thoughtless adturer,

Who hopes to purchase wealth by selling land;
Or win a mistress with a losing hand.

ACT II.

[Exeunt.

[blocks in formation]

urse, where's your young mistress? Nurse. Wee'st heart! I know not; they're none them come home yet. Poor child! I warrant he's fond of seeing the town! Marry, pray heaen, they have given her any dinner! Good lack-day! ha, ha, ha! Oh, strange! I'll vow and wear now, ha, ha, ha! Marry, and did you ever ee the like?

For. Why, how now! what's the matter?

Nurse. Pray heaven send your worship good uck marry, and amen, with all my heart! for ou have put on one stocking with the wrong side

jutward.

our lives are chequered; mirth and sorrow, want and plenty, night and day, make up our time. But, in troth, I am pleased at my stocking-very well Sirrah, go tell Sir Sampson Legend I'll wait on pleased at my stocking! Oh! here's my niece! o'clock, a very good hour for business; Mercury him, if he's at leisure. [Erit JAMES.] 'Tis now three governs this hour.

Enter ANGELICA,

Ang. Is it not a good hour for pleasure, too, uncle? Pray lend me your coach; mine's gone to be mended.

For. What, would you be gadding too? Sure, all females are mad to-day. It is of evil portent, and bodes mischief to the master of a family. I remember an old prophecy, written by Messahalah, the Arabian, and thus translated by a reverend Buckinghamshire bard:

When housewives all the house forsake,
And leave good men to brew and bake,
Withouten guile, then be it said,

That house doth stand upon its head;
And when the head is set in ground,
No mar'l, if it be fruitful found.

Fruitful! the head fruitful! that bodes horns; the fruit of the head is horns! Dear niece, stay at home; for by the head of the house, is meant the husband; the prophecy needs no explanation.

Ang. Well, but I can neither make you a cuckold, uncle, by going abroad, nor secure you from being one, by staying at home.

For. Yes, yes; while there's one woman left, the prophecy is not in full force.

mind to go abroad; and if you won't lend me your Ang. But my inclinations are in force. I have a coach, I'll take a hackney, or a chair. Why don't her when she's abroad? You know my aunt is a you keep your wife at home, if you are jealous of little retrograde (as you call it) in her nature. Uncle, I'm afraid you are not lord of the ascendant! Ha, ha, ha!

For. Well, jill-flirt! you are very pert; and always ridiculing that celestial science.

Ang. Nay, uncle, don't be angry. If you are, dreams, and idle divinations. I'll swear you are a I'll reap up all your false prophecies, ridiculous nuisance to the neighbourhood. What a bustle did you keep against the last invisible eclipse, laying in provision, as it were for a siege! What a world of fire and candle, matches and tinder boxes, did you purchase! One would have thought we were ever after to live under ground; or, at least, to make a voyage to Greenland, to inhabit there all the dark season. Indeed, uncle, I'll indite you for a wizard.

For. How, hussy! was there ever such a provoking minx?

Nurse. Oh! merciful father, how she talks! Ang. Yes, I can make oath of your unlawful midnight practices! you and the old nurse there.

Nurse. Marry, heaven defend! I at midnight practices! Oh, lord! what's here to do? I in unlawful doings with my master's worship! Why, did you ever hear the like now? Sir, did ever I do anything but warm your bad, and tuck you up, and set the candle and your tobacco-box by you, and now and then rub the soles of your feet? Oh,

For. Ha! how? Faith and troth, I'm glad of it! and so I have; that may be good luck, in troth; in roth, it may, very good luck: nay, I have had some mens. I got out of bed backwards, too, this morn-lord! Ing, without premeditation; pretty good that, too. But, then, I stumbled coming down stairs, and met weasel; bad omens those! Some bad, some good; NO. 27.

Ang. Yes, I saw you together, through the keyhole of the closet, one night, like Saul and the witch of Endor, turning the sieve and shears, and 4 G

pricking your thumbs to write poor innocent servants' names in blood, about a little nutmeg-grater which she had forgot in the caudle-cup.

For. I defy you, hussy! but, I'll remember this. I'll be revenged on you, cockatrice! I'll hamper you! You have your fortune in your own hands! but I'll find a way to make your lover, your prodigal spendthrift gallant, Valentine, pay for all, I will. | I will have patience, since it is the will of the stars that I should be thus tormented; this is the effect of the malicious conjunctions and oppositions in the third house of my nativity; there the curse of kindred was foretold. But I will have my doors locked up; I'll punish you; not a man shall enter my house.

Ang. Do, uncle; lock them up quickly, before my aunt comes home; you'll have a letter for alimony to-morrow morning! But let me begone first; and then let no mankind come near the house: but converse with spirits and the celestial signs; the bull, and the ram, and the goat. Bless me! there are a great many horned beasts among the twelve signs, uncle! But cuckolds go to heaven ! For. But there's but one virgin among the twelve signs, spitfire - but one virgin

Ang. Nor there had not been that one, if she had had to do with anything but astrologers, uncle! That makes my aunt go abroad.

For. How, how! is that the reason? (Come, you know something; tell me, and I'll forgive you; do, good niece, Come, you shall have my coach and horses; faith and troth, you shall. Does my wife complain? Come, I know women tell one another. Ang. Ha, ha, ha!

When was this signed? what hour?
should have consulted me for the time. Wal
we'll make haste.

Sir S. Haste! ay, ay, haste enough; mywa Ba
will be in town to-night; I have ordered w'aye
to draw up writings of settlement and joints,
shall be done to-night. No matter for the
pr'ythee, brother Foresight, leave
there's no time but the time present;
more to be said of what's past; and all
come will happen. If the sun shine byd
the stars by night-why, we shall kas ne
other's faces without the help of a candle; uni fa.
all the stars are good for.

For. How, how, Sir Sampson? that me leave to contradict you, and tell ignorant.

Sir S. I tell you, I am wise; and agiewe komis bitur astris ;; there's Latin for you to prove it, a an argument to confound your Epheme rant! I tell you I have travelled, old Fer know the globe. I have seen the antips, there the sun rises at midnight, and sets at non-day.

For. But I tell you I have travelled, and t velled in the celestial spheres; know the sig the planets, and their houses; can judge of a direct and retrograde; of sextiles, quadrates, trios and oppositions; fiery trigons, and aquatirul ti gons; know whether life shall be long or short, happy or unhappy; whether diseases a curable or incurable; if journeys shall be propenos, undertakings successful, or goods stolen, recovered: I know

Sir S. I know the length of the emperor of China' For. Do you laugh? Well, gentlewoman, I'll-foot; have kissed the great magul's slippet, und But, come, be a good girl; don't perplex your poor rid a hunting upon an elephant with the can of uncle! Tell me-Won't you speak ? Od! I'll—

Enter JAMES.

James. Sir Sampson is coming to wait upon you, sir. [Erit. Ang. Good b'ye, uncle. Call me a chair. I'll find out my aunt, and tell her she must not come home. Erit. For. I am so perplexed and vexed, I am not fit to receive him; I shall scarce recover myself before the hour be past. Go, nurse, and bid them tell Sir Sampson I'm ready to wait on him.

Nurse. Yes, sir.

[Erit

For. Well-why, if I were born to be a cuckold, there's no more to be said! He is here already.

Enter Sir SAMPSON Legend, with a paper. Sir S. Nor no more to be done, old boy; that is plain-here it is, I have it in my hand, old Ptolemy; I'll make the ungracious prodigal know who begat him; I will, old Nostrodamus. What, I warrant, my son thought nothing belonged to a father but forgiveness and affection; no authority, no correction, no arbitrary power; nothing to be done, but for him to offend, and me to pardon! I warrant you, if he danced till doomsday, be thought I were to pay the piper. Well, but here it is under black and white, signatum, sigillatum, and deliberatum that, as soon as my son Benjamin is arrived, he is to make over to him his right of inheritance. Where's my daughter that is to be, eh! old Merlin? Body of me! I'm so glad I'm revenged on this undutiful rogue!

For. Odso! let me see; let me see the paper. Ay, faith and troth, here it is, if it will but hold; things were done, and the conveyance made.

Tartary. Body o'me! I have made a cuckold of a king; and the present majesty of Bantam is the

issue of these loins.

For I know when travellers lie, or speak truth, when they don't know it themselves.

Sir S. I have known an astrologer made a cuck old in the twinkling of a star.

For What! does he twit me with my wife, too? I must be better informed of this. [Aride.] D mean my wife, Sir Sampson? Though you ma a cuckold of the king of Bantam, yet, by the body of the sun

Sir S. By the horns of the moon, you would sty. brother Capricorn.

For. Capricorn in your teeth, thon modern Mas deville; Ferdinand Mendez Pinto was but at of thee, thou liar of the first magnitude. Take back your paper of inheritance; send your sa to sa again. I'll wed my daughter to an Egyptian mummy, ere she shall incorporate with a contenner of sciences and a defamer of virtue.

Sir S. [Aside.] Body o'me! I have gone tre år I must not provoke honest Albumarer. An Egy tian mummy is an illustrious creature, my trusty hieroglyphic; and may have significations of futority about him. Odsbud! I would my son were at Egyptian mummy for thy sake. What! this a not angry for a jest, my good Haly? I reverenc the sun, moon, and stars, with all my heart. Whe I'll make thee a present of mummy. Now think on't, body o'me! I have a shoulder of Egyptian king, that I purloined from one of t pyramids, powdered with hieroglyphics; thou have it brought home to thy house, and make a entertainment for all the philomaths, and stude in physic and astrology, in and about Londen.

[blocks in formation]
[ocr errors]

Sir S. Body o' me! so do I. Harkye! Valene, if there be too much, refund the superfluity; st hear, boy?

Val. Superfluity, sir! it will scarcely pay my bts. I hope you will have more indulgence than oblige me to those hard conditions which my nessity signed to.

Sir S. Sir! how, I beseech you, what were you eased to intimate concerning indulgence? Val. Why, sir, that you would not go to the exemity of the conditions, but release me at least om some part.

Sir S. Oh! sir, I understand you; that's all, eh? Val. Yes, sir; all that I presume to ask; but hat you, out of fatherly fondness, will be pleased add, will be doubly welcome.

Sir S. Here's a rogue, brother Foresight, makes bargain under hand and seal in the morning, and zould be released from it in the afternoon! here's a ogue, dog! here's conscience and honesty! This s your wit now, this is the morality of your wit! You are a wit, and have been a beau, and may be -Why, sirrah! is it not here under hand and seal? Can you deny it?

Val. Sir, I don't deny it !

Sir S. Sirrah, you'll be hanged; I shall live to see you go up Holborn-hill. Has he not a rogue's face? Speak, brother; you understand physiognomy; a hanging look to me; of all my boys the most unlike me. He has a dd Tyburn face, without the benefit of the clergy.

For. Hum! Truly, I don't care to discourage a young man; he has a violent death in his face; but I hope no danger of hanging.

Val. Sir, is this usage for your son? For that old weather-headed fool, I know how to laugh at him; but you, sir

Sir S. You, sir! and you, sir! Why, who are you, sir?

Val. Your son, sir.

Sir S. That's more than I know, sir; and I beheve not.

Val. Faith! I hope not.

Sir S. What, would you have your mother a whore? Did you ever hear the like? did you ever hear the like? Body o' me

Val. I would have an excuse for your barbarity and unnatural usage.

Sir S. Excuse! Impudence! Why, sirrah, mayn't I do what I please? are not you my slave? did not I beget you? and might not I have chosen whether I would have begot you or no? Oons! who are you? whence came you? what brought you into the world? how came you here, sir? here, to stand here, upon those two legs, and look erect, with that audacious face, eh? Answer me that. Did you come a volunteer into the world? or did I, with the lawful authority of a parent, press you to the service?

Val. I know no more why I came, than you do why you called me. But here I am; and if you don't mean to provide for me, I desire you would leave me as you found me.

Sir S. With all my heart. Come, uncase, strip, and go naked out of the world as you came into it.

Val. My clothes are soon put off; but you must also divest me of my reason, thought, passions, inclinations, affections, appetites, senses, and the huge train of attendants that you begot along with me.

Sir S. Body o' me! what a many-headed monster have I propagated!

Val. I am of myself, a plain, easy, simple creature; and to be kept at small expense: but the retinue that you gave me are craving and invincible; they are so many devils that you have raised, and will have employment.

Sir S. Oons! what had I to do to get children? Can't a private man be born without all these followers? why, nothing under an emperor should be born with appetites; why, at this rate, a fellow that has but a groat in his pocket may have a stomach capable of a ten shilling ordinary.

Jer. Nay, that's as clear as the sun; I'll make oath of it before any justice in Middlesex.

Sir S. Here's a cormorant, too! 'Sheart! this fellow were not born with you? I did not beget him, did I?

Jer. By the provision that's made for you, you might have begot me, too. Nay, and to tell your worship another truth, I believe you did; for I find I was born with those same whoreson appetites, too, that my master speaks of.

Sir S. Why, look you there now! I'll maintain it, that, by the rule of right reason, this fellow ought to have been born without a palate. 'Sheart! what should he do with a distinguishing taste? I warrant, now, he'd rather eat a pheasant than a piece of poor John and smell, now; why, I warrant, he can smell, and loves perfume above a stink: why, there's it; and music-don't you love music, scoundrel ?

Jer. Yes, I have a reasonable good ear, sir, as to jigs and country-dances, and the like. I don't much matter your solos or sonatas; they give me the spleen.

Sir S. The spleen! Ha, ha, ha! A pox confound you! Solos or sonatas! Oons! whose son are you, muckworm?

Jer. I am, by my father, the son of a chairman; my mother sold oysters in winter, and cucumbers in summer: and I came up stairs into the world; for I was born in a cellar.

For. By your looks you shall go up stairs out of the world, too, friend.

Sir S And if this rogue were anatomized now,

Mrs. Farmight

[blocks in formation]
[merged small][ocr errors]

expected. I did gelica; but turned another

de. What's here mil! - They are earnest. F'il aved them. Come this way, and go and inquire when Angelica will return.

Esad Mrs. Fongsight und Mrs. FraIE.
Ms. F. What have you
"Sife! F'll do what I plewe.
Mrs. For. You will ?

Mr. F. Yes, marry, will I! A great piece
business to go to Covent Garden, to tal
a hackary-coach with one's friend !

Mrs. For. Nay, two or three turus, I'll take my

Mr. F. Well, what if I took twenty? I warrant, if you had been there, it had only been innocent recreation! Lord! where's the comfort of this life, if we can't have the happiness of conversing where we like?

Mrs. For. But can't you converse at home? I own it, I think there's no happiness like conversing with an agreeable man; I don't quarrel at that, nor I don't think but your conversation was very inno cent. But the place is public; and to be seen with a man in a hackney-coach is scandalous What if anybody else should have seen you alight, as I did? How can anybody be happy, while they are in perpetual fear of being seen and censured? Besides, it would not only reflect upon you, sister, but on

me.

Mr. F. Pooh! here's a clutter! Why should it reflect upon you? I don't doubt but you have thought yourself happy in a hackney-coach before now! If I had gone to Knightsbridge, or to Chelsea, or to Spring Gardens, or to Barn Elms, with a man alone, something might have been said.

Mrs. Fer. Why, was I ever in any of those places?
What do you mean, sister?

Mr. F. Was I? What do you mean?
Mr. For. You have been at a worse place.
Mrs F. I at a worse place, and with a man
Mrs. For. I suppose you would not go alone to

the World's-end.

Mrs. F. The World s-end! What, do you mean

to baming me?

Poor innocent! You don't know that

Mrs. For. You deny it positively to my i
Your fac What's your fee!

o matter for that; it's as guida far

F. Not by a dozen years” wesing. it positively to your face, then Mrx. For. I'll allow you now to fad int vis my face; for, I'll swear your impodone in pet me out of countenance. But look you where dui you lose this gold bodkin?

sister

Mr. F. My

Mr For. Nay, your's; loak zi

F. Well, if you go to that, when fid yn find this bodkin? Oh! sister, sister! sitter

Mr For. Oh! devil on't! that I would not discover her without betraying myself!

Ms. F. I have heard gentlemen siy, side, one should take great care, when one makes a thres in fencing, not to lay open one's self.

Mrs. For. It is very trae, sister. Well, since ail's out, and, as you say, since we are åuch wounded, let us do what is often done à duels, take care une another, and grow better fiends than behra. Mr. F. With all my heart. Well give me you hand, in token of sisterly secrecy and affection. Mrs. For. Here it is, with all my heart.

Mex. F. Well, to tell truth, and speak openly a to another, I'm afraid the world have observed more than we have observed one another. I'm have a rich, husband, and are provided for: I am at a loss, and have no gmat stuck either of fortune or reputation, and, therefore, must look sharply ason that is expected about me. Sir Sampson to-night; and, by the account I have heard of his education, can be r conjurer.” The estate, you know, is to be made over to him. Now, if I wheedle him, sister, eh? you understand

Mrs. For. 1 do; and will help you, to the of my power. And I can tell you one thing falls out luckily enough; my awkward daughter-itlaw, who, you know, is designed to be les viz, grown fond of Mr. Tattle; now, if we can improve that, and make her have an aversion for the banky, it may go a great way towards his liking you. Here they come together; and let us contrive some way or other to leave them together.

I

Enter TATTLE and Miss Parɛ.

Miss P. Mother, mother, mother, look you here! Mrs. For. Fie, fie, miss, how you bawl! Besid have told you, you must not call me moder. Min P. What must I call you, then? are you n father's wife?

my

Mrs. For Madam; you must say madam Miss P. Look you here, madam, then, what Mt Tattle has given me. Look you here, cousin; hen a snuff-box; nay, there's snuff in't: here, will have any? Oh, good! how sweet it is! Mr. tle is all over sweet; his peruke is sweet, and gloves are sweet, and his handkerchief is pure sweet, sweeter than roses; smell him, mater madam, I mean. He gave me this ring fora be

"at. Oh, fie! miss; you must not kiss and tell. Liss P. Yes, I may tell my mother. And he says ì give me something to make me smell so. Oh! y, lend me your handkerchief. Smell, cousin ; not pure? It's better than lavender, mun. I'm >lved I won't let nurse put any more lavender >ng my clothes, eh! cousin ?

.1rs. F. Fie, miss!

Fat. Oh! madam, you are too severe upon miss; ■ must not find fault with her pretty simplicity; >ecomes her strangely. Pretty miss, don't let m persuade you out of your innocency. -fri. For. I wish you don't persuade her out of innocency.

"at. Who, I, madam? Oh, lord! how can your y ship have such a thought? sure, you don't know 1rs. F. Ah! devil, sly devil! He's as close, sisas a confessor. He thinks we don't observe him. at. Upon reputation—Oh, lord! I swear I would for the world.

Irs. F. Oh, hang you! who'll believe you? You'll anged before you'd confess. We know you s very pretty! Lord! ne'er stir; I don't know, I fancy, if I were a man

fiss P. How you love to jeer one, cousin! Irs. For. Harkye! sister, by my soul, the girl is led already: d'ye think she'll ever endure a at lubberly tarpaulin? 'Gad! I warrant you, she 't let him come near her, after Mr. Tattle. frs. F. On my soul, I am afraid not, eh! filthy sture, that smells all of pitch and tar! Devil ⚫ you, you confounded toad! you will supplant sailor.

frs. For. My husband will hang us: he'll think brought them acquainted.

Irs. F. Come, faith, let us begone. If my brother esight should find us with them, he'd think so, e enough.

Mrs. For. So he would: but then, the leaving n together is as bad; and he's such a sly devil, ll never miss an opportunity.

tion.

Mrs. F. I don't care; I won't be seen in it. [Exit. Mrs. For. Well, Mr. Tattle, we trust to your dis[Erit. Miss P. What makes them go away, Mr. Tattle? hat do they mean, do you know?

Tat. Yes, my dear, I think I can guess; but hang if I know the reason of it.

Miss P. Come, must not we go too?
Tat. No, no; they don't mean that.

Miss P. No! what then? What shall you and I together?

Tat. I must make love to you, pretty miss; will u let me make love to you? - Miss P. Yes, if you please.

Tat. Frank, egad! at least. What a plague does Ars. Foresight mean by this civility? Is it to make fool of me? or does she leave us together out of od morality, and do as she would be done by. igad! I'll understand it so. [Aside. Miss P. Well, and how will you make love to me? Some, I long to have you begin. Must I make love, 50? You must tell me how.

Tat You must let me speak, miss; you must not peak first. I must ask you questions, and you must

nswer.

Miss P. What, is it like the catechism? Come, hen, ask me.

Tat. D'ye think you can love me?

Miss P. Yes.

ready. I sha'n't care a farthing for you, then, in a twinkling.

Miss P. What must I say, then?

Tat. Why, you must say no; or, believe not; or, you can't tell.

Miss P. Why, must I tell a lie then?

Tat. Yes, if you'd be well-bred. All well-bred persons lie. Besides, you are a woman; you must never speak what you think: your words must contradict your thoughts; but your actions may contradict your words. So, when I ask you if you can love me, you must say no; but you must love me, too. If I tell you you are handsome, you must deny it, and say, I flatter you; but you must think yourself more charming than I speak you, and like me for the beauty which I say you have, as much as if I had it myself. If I ask you to kiss me, you must be angry; but you must not refuse me. If I ask you for more, you must be more angry but more complying; and as soon as ever I make you say you'll cry out, you must be sure to hold your tongue.

Miss P. Oh, lord! I swear this is pure! I like it better than our old-fashioned country way of speaking one's mind. And must not you lie, too?

Tat. Hum! Yes; but you must believe I speak truth.

Miss P. Oh, gemini! Well, I always had a great mind to tell lies; but they frighted me, and said it was a sin.

Tat. Well, my pretty creature, will you make me happy by giving me a kiss?

Miss P. No, indeed; I'm angry at you. [Runs and kisses him. Tat. Hold, hold! that's pretty well: but you should not have given it to me, but have suffered me to have taken it.

Miss P. Well, we'll do it again.

Tat. With all my heart. Now, then, my little angel! [Kisses her.

[blocks in formation]

Miss P. No, indeed, won't I: but I'll run there, and hide myself from you, behind the curtains. Tat. I'll follow you.

Miss P. Ah! but I will hold the door with both hands, and be angry; and you shall push me down before you come in.

Tat. No, I'll come in first.

Miss P. Will you? then I'll be more angry, and more complying

Tat. Then I'll make you cry out.

Miss P. Oh! but you sha'n't, for I'll hold my

tongue.

Tat. Oh! my dear, apt scholar!

than you.

Miss P. Well, now I'll run, and make more haste
Exit.
Tat. You shall not fly so fast as I'll pursue. [Erit.
Enter Nurse.

Nurse. Miss, miss, Miss Prue! Come to your
father, child. Open the door, miss. I hear you cry
husht! Oh, lord! who's there? [Peeps.] A man
with her! [Knocks.] Won't you open the door? I'll
come in the back way.
[Ent.

Re-enter TATTLE and Miss PRUE.
Miss P. Oh, lord! she's coming: and she'll tell

Tat. Pooh! plague! you must not say yes al- my father. What shall I do now?

« ÀÌÀü°è¼Ó »