"That which pleases long, and pleases many, must possess some merit."-DR. JOHNSON. THE NEW YORK DRAMA TRAGEDIES, A CHOICE COLLECTION OF COMEDIES, WITH FARCES, ETC., CASTS OF CHARACTERS, STAGE BUSINESS, COSTUMES RELATIVE POSITIONS, &c., ADAPTED TO THE HOME CIRCLE, PRIVATE THEATRICALS, AND THE AMERICAN STAGE. SCENE.-Brighton, in the bathing season. A Drawing-Room with window and balcony L., commanding a side view of the sea. Door C., in flat. Couch R. Telescope on stand at window, L. Pens, ink, note paper, string and small basket on table, c. MRS. BLOSSOM discovered, arranging articles on table, c. Mrs. Blossom. Oh, dear! oh, dear! I feel certain that Mr. Gilliflower will meet with a dreadful accident some day. There he is, all day long, and in all weathers, sail-sail-sail! His is indeed "a life on the ocean wave." But why should I take any particular interest in Mr. Gilliflower? He is only a lodger. I suppose it is because he is so agreeable, and so very different from any other lodger. There-there's the basket and the string; and now, Mr. Gilliflower, whenever you please to show yourself, you will find your quarters, as you call them, in excellent order. Gilli. [without, singing.] "A life on the ocean wave! A home on the rolling deep! Enter GILLIFLOwer, c. Gilli. [singing as he enters.] "Like an eagle caged I pine-" Mrs. B. Oh, Mr. Gilliflower, I have no anxiety on that account! Gilli. [aside.] Nor I! [Aloud.] Any inquiries for me this morning? [Anxiously. Mrs. B. None, sir! Gilli. [aside.] That's all right! [Goes to balcony, L.] Ah! there's my charming_neighbor opposite. [Kisses his hand. To MRS. BLOSSOM, aloud.] I shall not require anything just at present, thank you. [Comes down. Mrs. B. Is there anything I can do for you, sir? Gilli. Nothing, for at least a couple of hours. Mrs. B. Will you take anything, sir? Gilli. Thank you, I am about to take a nap. [Throws himself on to couch, R.; stretches and yawns. Mrs. B. Should you require anything, you will ring the bell? Gilli. I will. [Aside.] I certainly am not likely to ring the landlady. [Yawns. Mrs. B. Don't be afraid of giving trouble, sir. Gilli. Mrs. Blossom, I am unaccustomed to be afraid of anything or anybody. [Throws his handkerchief over his face and pretends to snore. Mrs. B. Dear me! the effect of the sea air, I suppose. [Exit c. Gilli. [suddenly, and in a sitting posture.] Ha, ha! Mrs. B. [looking in at the door, c.] Did you call, sir? Gilli. No! I was merely turning over. [Snores violently. Exit MRS. BLOSSOM, C. Rising from couch.] Gone at last! She means something, evidently. A nice looking woman, and I dare say pretty well off. But then a fellow can't marry his landlady-so I am not likely to propose to her. Ha, ha! since my last proposal in that unfortunate "Goldwater" affair, I've been deuced careful in that way. At one time, I used to say to a pretty girl, after about five minutes' acquaintance, [Sees MRS. BLOSSOM.] Ah! there you are again," Here's my heart and there's my hand '--will Mrs. Blossom. you have me?" By the bye, I wonder what is going Mrs. B. [concernedly.] Oh, dear me! how very unfortunate! Gilli. [aside.] She has money in the Funds! Mrs. B. [aside.] He has money in the Funds, and would sell out to pay my bill! [Aloud.] Pray excuse me, Mr. Gilliflower; do not sell out on my account. Gilli. [aside.] Ha, ha! She thinks that I have money in the Funds. Mrs. B. Besides, I can supply you with money for present use. Gilli. [takes her hand.] My dear Mrs. Blossom, I have just found out that I have a great regard for you! Mrs. B. Indeed, Mr. Gilliflower! on in that extraordinary case, "Goldwater versus not at all bad-looking, and I dare say has saved Gilliflower"? Let me see. I've enjoyed freedom something. I'll pump her. [Aloud.] Mrs. Blosand the sea breezes for two whole months. Pay som, things are in a frightful state in the city: damages, indeed! Very likely! 'Pon my life, my quite a panic in the Money Market-the Funds adventure with the rich Belgravian heiress at the are falling rapidly. Rifle Ball was like a dream. Balancez! you look charming! [Goes partly through the figure.] Ladies' chain! the happiest moment of my life! Half right and left! my feelings compel me to avow that I love you! Turn partners! Angel, if you will accept my hand, 'tis yours forever! And she did! she--one of the richest heiresses in Belgravia-positively did accept it, and, shortly afterwards, requested me to escort her to her brougham. I followed it up-not the brougham, but the engagement. However, fortunately enough, I found out that the estate of one of the richest heiresses in Belgravia consisted chiefly of one electro-gold brooch and a locket with hair guard. The locket, too, contained the portrait of another. I broke it off-not the locket, but the engagement; and finding the long and strong arm of the law stretching out and grasping for damages-only five hundred pounds!-I resolved on sea air and a change of scene. [Goes to window, L.] Ah! there she is. [[Bows, kisses his hand, and then goes to table, c.] Now, then, to open my line of communication, and establish a "love'sown" telegraph. String! thank you, Blossom. [Takes up string from table.] Penny, with a hole in it! [Takes penny out of his pocket.] Tie a knot! that's it. [Passes the end of the string through the hole in the coin and ties a knot.] There we are! [Holds up the string with the coin suspended.] Now, then, one-two-three-and away my little Mercury! [Pitches the coin towards opposite window; noise of broken glass is heard.] Shiver my timbers! just my luck! [A knock is heard at door, c.] Halloa! who's there? Don't come in! [Attaches string to the telescope stand. Enter MRS. BLOSSOM, C., with a bouquet. Gilli. Have you ever entertained an idea of sharing with another the Blossom interest in these chairs, tables, telescopes, etc.? Mrs. B. Oh, Mr. Gilliflower! Gilli. Because if you have, my dear Mrs. Blossom Mrs. B. Yes, Mr. Gilliflower! Gilli. Accept my [pause] advice, and when the Enter, in much haste, CAPTAIN COURTLY, C. Mrs. B. I have just intruded, Mr. Gilliflower-you want? Mrs. B. With this charming bouquet. Mrs. B. And you are not going away, sir? Gilli. Not at present. [Aside.] But I wish you would. [Aloud.] A couple of months, and my little bill Mrs. B. Don't mention it, sir. Gilli. No, I won't! it's such a trifle. Mrs. B. So it is, sir, and I hope you will remain here. Gilli. [aside.] And I hope I shall be allowed to do so. Mrs. B. I often wonder, Mr. Gilliflower, why a gentleman like you remains single. Gilli. Do you? [Aside.] Come, that's a pretty broad hint. Mrs. B. You need not go far in Brighton to find a nice, agreeable, eligible person. Gilli. I am quite aware of that, Mrs. Blossom. [Looks towards opposite window. Aside.] It's a clear case-the woman's in love with me! She's Capt. C. I want you, sir! Gilli. What for? [Aside.] A sheriff's officer, by jingo! Capt. C. You have resided here for some time, sir? Gilli. I certainly have. [Aside.] Just a little too long. Capt. C. And you are the very person I want! Gilli. Then I won't go! [Rushes toward the balcony.] Approach one step, and I plunge into the yawning area below! Capt. C. Why, the fellow's mad! Pshaw! I don't want your body, I merely wish to extract some information from your head. Gilli. Impossible! Capt. C. Not quite, I hope. Capt. C. On the honor of an officer in the Queen's service. Gilli A sheriff's officer? Capt. C. A captain in the army. Gilli. Oh! in the army! [Aside.] Pshaw! what a ridiculous mistake! [Aloud, comes down, swaggers a little.] You'll excuse me, aw; I was merely joking just now, aw. How are you? Devilish glad to see you, aw. Capt. C. The fact is, a young lady, a friend of mine, is on a visit in this street. Gilli. Indeed, aw! What's the number? Capt. C. Having lost the address, that's precisely the information which I require from you. You know the lady. Gilli. Possibly, aw. I flatter myself I am ac- Capt. C. Goldwater! Capt. C. Yes, Goldwater! Miss Emily Goldwater! Gilli. Then I don't know the lady. [About to retire. Gilli. Then, my dear sir, I'd recommend you to do so at once. Capt. C. I would-but how? I've made inquiry at every house on this side of the street. Gilli. Then I'd advise you to try round the corner, and work away through the town. Capt. C. Find her I am determined! [Exit c. Gilli. [having thrown himself into a chair.] Gilliflower, collect your scattered thoughts! Goldwater is in the vicinity! Be cool! Renovate yourself with a little fresh air in the balcony. [Goes to window.] What a magnificent afternoon. [Looks toward opposite window.] Ah! there's my lovely neighbor again! [Bows and kisses his hand.] Let me see! I'll send over the bouquet. Capt. C. [stopping him.] Yes, you do, sir! [Writes note at table, c.] 66 Pray accept this floriYou know all the good-looking girls. You don't cultural offering." [Puts bouquet and note into risk your neck over that balcony for nothing! basket; he elevates the cord, and the things glide Gilli. My dear sir, I haven't the slightest knowl-out of window.] There they go! What a splenedge of the object of your search. [Retiring. Capt. C. [detaining him.] Stop, sir! it is, perhaps, necessary for me to explain the cause of my anxiety to find the young lady in question. Gilli. [aside.] He hasn't the slightest suspicion. [Aloud.] Pray proceed. Capt. C. Know, then, that in a short time I shall be married to Miss Goldwater. a charming young lady. Gilli. Is she? Capt. C. Do you dispute it, sir? Gilli. Not in the slightest. I only say, is she? Capt. C. She is, sir! and one of the richest heiresses in Belgravia! Gilli. No, no! Now, that won't do! Gilli. I mean, that's coming it a little too strong. Capt. C. Truth, I assure you! Miss Goldwater has had numerous offers of marriage; but having invariably represented herself to be without fortune, has, by that stratagem, ascertained the true value of her admirers. Gilli. [astonished.] You don't say so! Capt. C. You must have heard of the case, "Goldwater versus Gilliflower." Now, a greater fool than Gilliflower Gilli. [sharply.] I beg your pardon. did invention this is! Ah! her lily-white hand Capt. C. I say, sir, a greater fool than Gilli- about to make a purchase?" What implicit conflower Gilli. [violently.] Sir! Capt. C. Do you know the fellow ? Gilli. Oh, dear, no! Capt. C. Then, sir, as I said before, a greater fool than Gilliflower cannot possibly exist. His conduct throughout the case was absurd. He would be represented before the public as a man of property, whereas the fellow's a rank impostor. Gilli. [very violently.] Sir! Capt. C. I say, a rank impostor, sir! he hasn't a feather to fly with; and he has not been heard of since the verdict was given against him. Gilli. [aside.] My head's in a perfect whirl. [Aloud.] My dear sir, I'm exceedingly sorry to part with your agreeable company; but really, at the present moment, I'm quite unequal to the excitement of conversation. At any other time I shall be glad to kill an hour with you. [Shakes hands with him. Capt. C. I beg pardon-my conversation doubtless wearies a disinterested person, like yourself. Gilli. [dolefully.] It is not of a cheering nature. Capt. C. But find Miss Goldwater I must. fidence the charming creature reposes in me! [Opens a watch case.] Now, that is remarkably neat! [Opens another.] That is exceedingly pretty! [Comes down with a watch in each hand.] My opinion of these watches is that they are good ones to go. [A knock at door, c.] Interrupted again! Come in! Gilli. Do you mean to say that she is dying? Mrs. B. There is very little hope. Gilli. [shouting.] Dying! down-stairs on the door-mat! Mrs. B. Oh, Mr. Gilliflower, you misunderstand me. Poor Mrs. Knaggs was my former lodger. She was with me for three years, and left some time since. Gilli. Oh, I see. Then I am filling up the gap created by the departed Knaggs! Who is Knaggs? Is Knaggs pretty well off? Mrs. B. Very well off indeed; and I've often heard her say that when she dies there will be no one to claim her property. Gilli. Then I, as her representative here, ought to step into everything. Mrs. B. I hope she may not die. Oh, if she had but stayed with me, and been shampooed every morning. [Sobs. Gilli. [coaxingly.] There, there, never mind, dry your eyes; who knows-perhaps she may leave you something worth having. Mrs. B. I am a little better now, and will go at once to the poor old lady. [Going. Gilli. [persuasively.] Go, by all means; that's exactly what I wish you to do. Mrs. B. Oh, poor old Mrs. Knaggs! [Exit, c., sobbing. แ Gilli. Robert the sea-sick, if you won't believe me, the young and elegant creature herself must explain. [Goes to table, takes pen and paper, writes.] Pray come over immediately; the freedom of a British subject is at stake!" [Sends over note in basket. To POLICEMAN.] That's the way we run 'em in! in. Pol. Is it? Then I'll show you how we run 'em [They struggle. Gilli. [indignantly.] Policeman, you're exceeding your duty, and perhaps are not aware thatPol. We'll give you an opportunity of speechifying at the station. POLICEMAN is dragging off GILLIFLOWER, when MISS GOLDWATER, closely veiled, enters c. Gilli. Ah, my charming incognita! I took the liberty of asking you to step over and explain to this active and intelligent officer, that my having received a variety of small parcels from the opposite window does not exactly justify him in compelling me to pass my time in his society, when I happen to be better engaged. Miss G. Explanation is unnecessary. [Takes watches from GILLIFLOWER.] You will be good enough to hand these watches to the young man who waits below, and desire him to say that the lady will call upon his master. [Gives watches to POLICEMAN. Gilli. [aside.] What a delightful creature! Pol. I don't quite like it; but, however, I've collared the property. Miss G. [aside.] My object is gained. [Comes down, R. Gilli. [to POLICEMAN.] I'd advise you now to "move on," or my inclination may lead me to strike you. Pol. I only wish it would. Gilli. Poor old Knaggs, indeed-keeping my charmer waiting in this mauner. [Comes down as before, with a watch in each hand.] 'Pon my life, I hardly know how to advise her. I judge the value of an article of this kind by the money to be realized, supposing the unfortunate owner to Gilli. At the present moment I happen to be be laboring under temporary financial pressure. better engaged, and I offer you what I dare say POLICEMAN C 6, with truncheon, enters mysteri-you are rather partial to-the cold shoulder. ously at door, C., and comes down behind GILLI FLOWER. Now, I have an idea that the handsome sum of five pounds ten shillings might be advanced on that article [holds out a watch] without the slightest risk. [POLICEMAN collars GILLIFLOWER.] Holloa! who are you? Pol. One of the force. Gilli. A policeman? Pol. A policeman. Gilli. What's your number? Then, Pol. [pointing to his collar.] C 6. Gilli. [misunderstanding.] Sea-sick! sea-sick policeman, what are you about? Pol. There, come along, I've seen quite enough. Gilli. Have you? Then remove your berlins, ruffian-what do you take me for? Pol. Take you for? Why, for stealing watches. Gilli. Stealing watches! [Aside.] Ha, ha, ha! It's all right. I thought I was wanted for the "Goldwater" affair. Pol. I've had my eye on you. Gilli. Yes! the bull's eye, I should say, for you have made a blunder of it this time. Pol. Come, move on! Gilli. Man in blue, be calm. These watches were sent to me by a young and elegant creature over the way, with a polite request that I would favor her with my opinion as to their going qualities. Pol. It's no go; so move on. Pol. I go; but I keep my eye on you. [Exit c. Gilli. [advancing toward MISS GOLDWATER.] Madame, your presence here is indeed a source of gratification to me. Miss G. It is equally gratifying to me. Gilli. [aside.] She reciprocates the sentiment. [Aloud.] And so unexpected, too. Miss G. To me not so unexpected. [Pause. Miss G. Certainly, if you will hand one to me. Gilli. [aside.] Pshaw! I never thought of that! What a fool I am! I really feel quite confused. [Comes down with chairs; they sit. Pause. Aloud.] Splendid weather, isn't it? Miss G. Very, if it do not rain. Gilli. I don't think we need be alarmed at a slight shower. I have an umbrella. Miss G. Have you? I [Pause. Gilli. A capital thing is an umbrella. [Pause.] say, a capital thing is an umbrella! Miss G. Useful, I must admit Gilli. Mine is a green one. Miss G. I should have thought so. Gilli. Should you, indeed! May I ask for what reason? Miss G. Possibly for harmony of color. Gilli. [doubtfully.] Ha, ha! Yes, of course. [Pause.] Nice town, Brighton. Miss G. Very! especially if you have an attraction there. Gilli. [insinuatingly.] Of course! if you have an attraction there. railway is! What a convenience the Miss G. It is, indeed-for runaway people. Gilli. [aside.] Holloa! What does she mean by that? I'll retaliate. [Aloud.] I hope that is not your case? Miss G. Oh, dear, no! Yet, were it not for an affair of rather a delicate nature, I should be in London. Gilli. [anxiously.] An affair of rather a delicate nature? [Pause.] My dear madame, were it not for an affair of rather a delicate nature, I, too, might have remained in London. Miss G. I am quite aware of that. Gilli. [aside.] I should like to gaze upon the features of this charming but mysterious creature. [Pause. Aloud.] Are you fond of dancing? Miss G. Very! Gilli. So am I! [Rushes toward balcony.] I'll throw myself over the balcony of my hopes. Miss G. Hold! Be not rash, young man, but listen. On my first acquaintance with you, I was made aware that you, like many others of vain, mean and frivolous disposition, habitually trifled with the feelings of those to whom you sought an introduction; and I do not blush to admit that I have used stratagem in order to read you a lesson. Come, sir, if you have one spark of manly feeling left-at once-an apology for your conduct. Gilli. [comes down in great trepidation and kneels in front of MISS GOLDWATER.] Miss Goldwater, there was a time when one hundred lines of Virgil were to me a severe lesson; but one hundred pages would be nothing to this. Accept my humble apology-pray forgive me; I am a poor, unfortunate Gilliflower. Miss G. [laughs aside.] Rise, sir, your lesson is over; and now let me tell you that throughout the proceedings taken against you it has been my Miss G. The last public ball that I went to in intention to forego damages. Gilli. [astonished.] The Rifle Ball! Miss G. You appeared to be very much engaged. to the mark. Miss G. Why not "up to the mark"? Gilli. Well, the fact is, "my face is my fortune, sir, she said," and I thought better of it. Miss G. [aside.] Impudent puppy! [Aloud.] Then your only objection to the lady was her want of fortune? Gilli. Now, that is hardly fair-you put the question in such a plain, business-like way. Miss G. Then I am to understand you are rich? Gilli. Well, not exactly; but I am single and happy. [Moves toward her. Miss G. Then why not remain so ?-single and happy. Gilli. My dear madame, not being of a selfish disposition, I am desirous of sharing such happiness with another. Miss G. Oh! you would marry? Gilli. I would; and I have an angel in my eye -an adorable creature, who revels in the mysteries of almond soap and violet powder; and that angelic creature is yourself! Miss G. Indeed? Were you to see my face, I think you would change your mind. Gilli. [rises.] Generous being! [Aside.] Shall I try it on again, pull the nose of my rival, and marry one of the richest heiresses of Belgravia ? Miss G. So now, farewell! [Going. Gilli. [detaining her.] Oh, kind and beautiful creature, stay! Listen to your slave, Adonis Gilliflower, who acknowledges to have been one of the greatest dolts in Christendom! Spare him, when you think what a precious fool he has been, and how he might have married a most charming woman, one of the richest heiresses in Belgravia! Miss G. Certainly, at one time I might have Gilli. You have? [Aside.] She means me! Miss G. And then-to Paris. Miss G. Thence up the Rhine-or Switzerland. Gilli. Or, if the weather's cool, up Mount Vesuvius and down the crater; in fact, one continual whirl of pleasure and excitement. Miss G. The husband whom I have selected is Miss G. That, my dear Harry, I will explain to Gilli. [aside.] Egad! I never thought of that- you. [MISS GOLDWATER and CAPTAIN COURTLY perhaps she's old and ugly. However, never retire up. mind; if she doesn't suit, I'll visit the Isle of Gilli. [aside.] Now, what does that fellow with Wight to-morrow and forget to return. [Aloud.] no adress mean by interrupting our charming Change my mind, my dear madame? Never! tête-à-tête-just as we were arranging matters so when I say a thing, I mean it. Miss G. You do? Gilli. 'Pon my life I do! Miss G. [raising her veil.] Then, sir-[rises] behold the plaintiff in the action, "Goldwater versus Gilliflower." Gilli. [rising and with a start. Aside.] Miss G., by jingo! Here's a position! This is too much! Ha! I see a way out of it—the window! Suicide! pleasantly, too? [CAPTAIN COURTLY kisses MISS GOLDWATER'S hand.] By Jove! he kisses her hand! I can't stand that! [Aloud.] Miss Goldwater, I should like to have a word in private with you, if you please. [CAPTAIN COURTLY comes down, and MISS GOLDWATER retires to window, L. Capt. C. Ha, ha! Poor devil! And this is Gilliflower! Gilli. This is, sir. Have you any objection? |